Crush Crush Crush

Rodrigo Santoro. Not many people know him, I think. But if they watch 300, the gay Xerxes with piercings and makeup is him. I can't believe that gold-painted character with drawn eyebrows is really, actually so cute & amazing guy! Uh, I am so in love right now! Well, theoretically. I think. Hm, on the other hand, maybe not.

He's not really that good looking for some, but man, those eyes! I don't know, he has those kind eyes that'll make you melt if he stares! Well, not exactly perfect eyes, but he has such kind eyes. And the way he looks at someone oh so very gently. I've never met a person with such eyes or gaze. Not personally.

And his smile. Like, OhEmGee!

That sweet, boyish smile. Looks sincere in this photo. Hihi. So sweet! And it's perfect with his cute little teeth. I don't care about anything else, just those eyes and smile. Smothering!

Born in Rio De Janeiro, I think he's Brazilian. And I think he speaks Portuguese. I wonder if he speaks Spanish. And he's goddamn tall. Over 6 feet! He's like, 30-ish, but still looks like a 20s guy. Awhhh... I'm sooo floating!

Sigh, why doesn't he act more? I mean, why doesn't he get the leading part more often?

A Man Can Change His Armour...

If u read this note,

We're not together anymore,

or i'm just not around anymore, probably...

Perhaps maybe u were browsing through my folder when u're thinking about me...

thanks for still remembering me...

don't let the memories walk away, thats what made us here now...

I'm taking my time to write these note,

So u can take ur time to read also...

A man can change his armor, but not his heart...

U are my heart now...

even sometime i'm not noticing u around...

but i always need u...



Such a f*ckin' liar. So full of shit! I wish you rot in hell!

Rindu & Hilang

12.17am. Isnin, 5 November 2012.
Aku sunyi. Terasa sunyi yang teramat sangat. Terlalu amat. Walaupun ada orang lain kat dalam rumah ni, aku rasa macam hanya ada aku sorang kat atas muka bumi ni. Aku rasa macam aku tak ada sapa2 kat dunia. Kosong. Aku masih tak tau apa status hubungan aku dengan lelaki tu, masih tertanya2 & tunggu apa yang dia nak kata. Satu bahagian besar dalam diri aku hilang. Lesap. Tak jumpa, even puas aku cari merata2. Satu lagi makhluk yang aku sayang pun dah pergi tinggalkan aku. Selama2nya. Aku takkan dapat pegang, peluk, usap dia lagi. Aku cuma boleh tengok kubur dia, tengok gambar dia. Tapi dua2 tu buat dada aku sesak, kerongkong aku sempit, mata aku basah. Aku teresak2 setiap kali tengok gambar dia. Aku tak dapat terima kenyataan dia dah tak ada, dan dia takkan ada lagi untuk hiburkan rumah ni. No more. Aku gigil. Satu lagi bahagian dalam diri aku hilang. And aku tau, aku takkan dapat jumpa yang ni. Hilang, pergi bersama2 dia. Watak Iris ada cakap satu ayat; for some, love is simply lost. Tapi aku refuse. Aku tak nak kehilangan dia.

Aku tak boleh elak daripada salahkan diri sendiri atas apa yang dah jadi. Aku nampak dia muntah, aku nampak dia tak makan, tak minum. Tak terlintas dalam fikiran aku yang dia sakit teruk. Tak terfikir otak aku ni nak contact Papa Hero, tanyakan apa yang patut. Kenapa aku dangkal sangat? Kenapa otak aku tak fikirkan pasal tu? Aku tak mampu lepaskan dia. Hati aku tak nak terima terima keyataan yang Allah dah ambik dia balik. Aku tak nak terima kenyataan yang Allah cuma pinjamkan dia kat kami hanya untuk 5 bulan. And aku tak bersama dia all the time pun, hanya sebulan terakhir dia yang aku jaga dia. Kenapa? Kenapa aku bodoh sangat? Kenapa aku tak bawak dia pergi klinik cepat2? Kenapa aku still nak monitor dia lagi? Sekarang apa dah jadi? It's too late for anything. Dia dah tak ada. Aku kehilangan dia. Budak kecik yang aku sayang2, yang semua orang sayang..

Aku fikir, kalaulah lelaki tu ada dengan aku, mungkin benda ni tak jadi. Mungkin dia dah suruh aku bawak budak kecik tu pergi hospital awal2 lagi. Sebab dia lebih tau. Tapi takkan aku nak mintak tolong dia, sedangkan dah sebulan dia pergi? Takkan dia nak jawab call aku? Takkan dia nak reply sms aku? Takkan dia nak tolong aku? Ego & kelelakian dia lagi penting. Siapa la aku ni, just some troublesome idiot yang pernah dia kenal. Kalaupun aku mintak tolong dia, nak ke dia tolong aku? Aku tak rasa macam tu. Tapi aku tak boleh buat apa2. Kuasa Allah mengatasi segala2nya. Aku nak bawak dia jumpa doktor pagi ni, tapi sayang, dia dah pergi dulu. Aku tak sempat, Ya Allah. Aku tak sempat!

Aku fikir, kalaulah lelaki tu ada kat sebelah aku masa tu, maybe he would've know what to do. Tapi dia tak ada.

Aku penat tenangkan diri sendiri. Aku lelah menangis sendiri. Depan orang, aku happy, outgoing, ketawa sana sini. Tapi bila aku alone, aku sakit! Aku tak dapat tanggung rindu yang takkan terubat. Aku tak kuat hadapi kehilangan ni sorang2. Aku rasa sunyi, lemah selemah2nya. Aku cuma mampu menangis sampai penat & lena sendiri. Aku harap, setiap kali aku bangun tidur, Allah kurniakan aku kekuatan untuk teruskan hidup selagi mampu. Sebab memang aku tak mampu nak bangun, teruskan hidup2 aku sehari2 dengan rasa ni. Aku hollow tanpa budak comel tu. Macam Robbie Williams pernah cakap; I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either.

Aku tak sangka, dia pergi mendadak. In fact, too sudden. And aku tak sangka, budak ni tinggalkan kesan yang cukup2 mendalam kat hati aku. Setiap sudut yang aku tengok, mesti aku terbayang dia. Setiap minit yang berlalu hari2, tak ada satu pun yang aku miss ingatkan dia. Aku kosong. Aku cuma mampu tengok luar tingkap & harapkan keajaiban. Aku mau budak kecik tu kembali. Aku belum puas belai dia. Aku nak tengok dia membesar, lincah & happy. Aku nak jaga dia. Aku nak tengok dia jadi hero. Aku tak nak tangisi dia. Tuhan, kuatkan hati hambamu. Kuatkan aku untuk hadapi semua ni. Sebab hati aku lemah, hati aku tak mampu handle kehilangan ni.

Untuk kamu, budak kecik yang selalu hiburkan hati semua, aku takkan dapat lupa apa pun yang kau tinggalkan. Aku tak sangka, kau makhluk Tuhan yang kecil, tapi kehilangan kau sangat2 besar untuk aku. Ya, Allah lebih sayangkan kau. Dan aku harap, satu hari nanti, bila Allah perkenankan permintaan aku, kita akan bertemu lagi. Aku tunggu hari tu tiba untuk kita & semua.

Untuk kau lelaki, tak mungkin kau bersusah hati. Mungkin kau gembira bersayang2 dengan mantan kau & yang lain. Untuk kesedihan aku, untuk sunyi yang aku rasa, untuk hati & diri aku yang kau luka, & untuk segala perbuatan kau yang sakitkan aku, jangan datang lagi. Andai kau mau pergi tanpa kata, pergilah kau jauh2, sejauh yang kau boleh pergi. Andai kau berpaling dari aku  kelmarin, jangan kau pusing untuk pandang aku lagi. Andai masa aku sunyi kau tak pernah peduli, jangan lagi kau tunjukkan muka depan aku nanti. Anggap aku mati. Anggap aku tak pernah wujud dalam cerita hidup kau. Jangan sekali2 kau datang untuk kembali. Aku tak mau apa2 lagi. Sebab semua harapan yang kau pernah bagi, itu palsu. Aku tak tau kalau kau pernah ikhlas selama kau bersama aku. Pergilah kau bersuka ria dengan mereka2 yang kau panggil sayang. Bukan lagi aku. Biar aku heal sendiri. Susah senang aku, biar sendiri.

Pergilah kau. Pergi. Aku akan buang semua memori antara kita. Tak guna aku tangisi lelaki yang tak hargai perempuan. Aku tak mau hampa lagi. Biar rasa yang aku simpan untuk kau perlahan2 mati sendiri. Biar sakit rindu untuk kau hilang juga sendiri. Aku tak mau kata2 & tangan kau lukakan hati & diri aku lagi. Aku tak mau kena tindas & dibuat macam nobody oleh kau lagi. Cukup2 lah apa yang kau dah buat. Terima kasih untuk jasa & kebaikan kau, terima kasih untuk sakit pedih & keburukan kau. Berbahagialah kau dengan apa & siapa yang kau suka, yang kau sayang. Aku tak mau sakit lagi.

Dah lama Allah tak turunkan ujian seberat ni untuk aku. Jika ini untuk yang terbaik, aku terima ketentuanMu. Tunjukkan jalan untuk aku. Ya, aku tau. Kau lebih Mengetahui. Aku hanya selemah2 hamba. Apa pun juga hikmahnya, Terima Kasih Allah.

My Dear Little Boy

He was very quiet and timid. I put him in the house, I don't want him to be away. He sounded and I let him come to us. He could barely walk. He lied there, weak and helpless. Of course, he didn't consume anything for the past few days. He's lost weight so drastically.

We decided to give him a drink.

He gulped a few drops, still laying there. His eyes blanked, and he didn't blink even once. The iris of his eyes were dull. He didn't move much.

I lifted him, put him on my lap and caress him a little - thought I could ease his pain even a little. He suddenly kicked, his body stretched. I heard his painful voice when he shrieked and vomited fluid, he was in such unimaginable pain. We didn't care about the carpet, or the fluid vomit, nothing. I just want him to be fine.

But not a second after that, he lied there in my hands motionless. Limb. Lifeless. He didn't move a bit. I put my hand on his chest. Tried to find a pulse. I pressed his chest lightly, repeatedly. I wanted his heart to beat again. I tapped his abdomen, opened his mouth, lifted his body.

But he lied there still, and there wasn't any heartbeat anymore. Nothing. Only a lifeless body.

We sit there, hoping that he'd breathe again soon, but no. Still nothing. There were only the sounds of us crying out his name filling the air.

We didn't know what to do.

Only a minute later, I touched him again, hoping for a miracle. But no. He was cold and stiff. There was nothing that we could do. He was gone.

We cried, we called his name, we wanted him to get up and jump, run around the he used to.

But no. He left.

It rained that night.

He lived with our pouring love. He died with our arms around him. It was raining outside, and it also poured heavily in our hearts. We looked at his innocent cute face the last time. We wrapped him with our tender love and care for the last time. We stood there, and buried him in rain and tears.

I'm going to have to sleep alone in the small room from tonight onward. You won't be accompanying me anymore now. I won't wake up looking at you sleeping nor will I wake up and look into your marble-like eyes. God, I really hope for a miracle to happen.

You are one of the most beautiful creature I've ever seen and loved. You will be dearly missed throughout our lives. That well-behaved, active, obedient cute little boy. We all love you.

She says your fur is like a painting. A Siamese pattern with fading stripes from your tail to abdomen. And I say the color of your fur is like sand. Light brown, dark ears, legs and tail.

I wonder, what went wrong? What didn't we do to save him? What did we miss, that we weren't able to save him? Why couldn't we save him? Why was it too late to save him? Why? Why can't we save him?

I'm so sorry, dear boy.

I don't want to lose you. We all don't. Never. But you left.

Lameness

He texted wishing happy birthday. I didn't feel a thing.

Weird, isn't it?

Nah. Not for me.

Because I know he actually did not remember. I think he saw my post on my Facebook wall and decided to text me.

Ah, well.

Knowing him, I didn't even expect that he'd remember.

Because he doesn't, usually.

I'm used to that.

But I wonder, though. Why even bother? He has been ignoring me, all this while. Why should he give a damn about my birthday?

Strange.

A Woman's Worth

Is he worth it to fight for? At first, I thought he is. But after giving it a real deep thought and considering him being himself.. I don't think I'm going to fight that hard for him.

Why? If you ask me, I'm not really going to ask him to come back. What for? Why should I fight when he's comfortable there with his bunch of friends, right?

It's not that aku tak nak fight, or give up trying. It's just that aku tak fikir yang usaha aku untuk dia visible, or can be seen by him. Sebab, kalau dia nampak aku betul2 nak perbetulkan salah aku, maybe he'll reply my texts or even call me. Tapi tak ada apa2. And memang aku saja letak time frame seminggu untuk dia respond. Tapi tak ada. So I take it as he quits. Sensible? For me, yeah.

Kadang2 aku wonder, why am I still in this ridiculous, melodramatic rut?

Kenapa aku still biarkan diri aku dalam keadaan macam ni, sedangkan aku and everybody else know I can do better? Kenapa? Aku sendiri pun tak faham dengan diri sendiri. Aku selalu fikir, kenapa aku susah nak lepaskan dia pergi? Apa yang aku sayang sangat kat dia? And no matter how many times that question pops up in my mind, aku tak ada jawapan. Aku stuck.

People say; you don't need a reason to love someone.

Maybe.

Memang aku tak tau pun sebab apa aku sayang dia. And kalau boleh aku tak nak let go. Note, kalau boleh. Even after all the things yang jadi antara kitorang.

But then, bila aku fikir balik, aku rasa he doesn't give a rat's ass about it. Biar je. And aku rasa memang dia happy dengan kawan2 dia. Nobody controls him, tak ada sapa pun yang tegur apa dia buat kan. So I guess, biar la dia. Maybe bila  dia dengan aku, life dia tak fun. Dia tak ketawa, tak bergurau sampai gelak nak pecah perut. Dia tak happy macam mana dia dengan kawan2 dia. Takkan dia nak berkepit dengan aku when he can have all the fun in the world dengan kawan2 dia kan? Plus, dia pun selalu cakap, kawan2 priority dia. Siapa la aku ni, nak mintak lebih2. Girlfriend? Tunang? Do I even have a title/name in his life? Methinks not. Maybe just a person to stand beside him. Who knows?

Then again, since I'm not your everything, how about I be nothing at all to you?

Easier, no?

Bukan ke lagi senang kalau masa aku text2 dia hari tu, dia bagitau terus yang dia dah tak nak teruskan? Simple. One text. The end. Period.

Sebab aku pun dah tak rasa yang dia nak teruskan lagi dah. Why? According to my paranoid thinking.. Sebab dia pun boleh buat bodoh, as if takde pape jadi. As if dia single kan. So be it lah. Aku pun dah tak nak jatuhkan pride aku lagi sebagai perempuan, mintak2 sangat kat dia sedangkan dia tak peduli sikit pun. As if dia sorang je lelaki kat atas muka bumi ni. He should know better, yang aku takkan nak fight sangat untuk dia. Sebab apa? After all those things yang dah jadi, dia nak aku fight for him oh so full-heartedly ke?

Think again.

Aku rasa maybe its better if we are apart. Sebab aku tak rasa aku mampu nak tahan lagi perangai baran dia, maki, pukul.. Even kalau tak pukul pun, dia tetap akan berkasar dengan aku. I don't think he knows his strength. Dia rasa macam tak kuat, tapi aku rasa macam mana dia tak tau. And then those words.. Those sharp, penetrating words yang akan keluar bila dia naik angin. Especially bila aku tengah broke. Memang dibuat macam sampah masyarakat. As if aku ni hina sangat sebab tak ada duit. Aku ingat lagi apa yang dia cakap. Penniless. Fuh, aku tak tau macam mana aku boleh bertahan lama dengan dia. It is such a mystery.

The best part yang buat aku tak nak fight untuk dia is, perangai mata keranjang dia. Those girls! Aku tak tau apa sebenarnya niat dia, penuhkan akaun Facebook dia dengan perempuan. Seriously, aku tak tau apa akan jadi kat Facebook aku kalau perangai dia ada kat aku. Full with cute & good looking guys. Will he feel intimidated? I wonder.. Tapi aku rasa, daripada aku sakit hati tengok dia flirt dengan perempuan tah sapa2 & his exes, lagi baik aku single kot. Hm. Better. Hati aku pun tak sakit tengok dia bermanja2 dengan perempuan lain kan. Tak buat depan aku pulak tu. Sorok2. Kau ingat aku ni buta? Haish..

Bad, bad relationship/love resume.

One more reason not to fight for it.

Sayang? Of course. Tapi aku tak nak biar hati aku menanah dengan perangai dia lagi. Hidup tak lama. Kalau esok aku mati, kan dah sia2 hidup? Sibuk dengan orang lain, hati aku dah rupa debu. Baik aku jaga diri sendiri dulu. Dia bukannya peduli aku hidup ke mati pun. Aku je yang kepoh nak risaukan dia sangat. Nak buat apa? Sia2 je. Dia dah besar panjang. Pandai la dia jaga diri.

Then again, aku rasa, lama jugak ni untuk aku get over relationship ni. Lama kot. Attached. Susah sikit nak let go. Maybe'll take a couple of months. Once aku dah stabil nanti, ok lah kot. Gotta beautify myself balik. Dah lama diri sendiri terbiar. Nak mekap pun dah tak berapa rajin dah. Hm. Teruk betul!

Stop sighing lah! Take a deep breath, turn over a new leaf.

I can do it!

Life is full of surprises~

From Ashes to Dust

Days fly so fast
Yet why am I steadfast?
I can't move
I can't think
Even meals don't taste the same
Feels like someone turn out the flame

Time seems to freeze
I've lost my dreams
Fourth October night, my fright
If only I can turn the clock on the wall
How I can only wish for it all

I gotta fix it, fix it!

But I can't do it without you
Don't you feel the same too?

I'll be waiting for a hello from you
No matter a sunshine or lightning
Why won't you say something?

Perhaps if I can vanish
Don't think I'm running away
'Cos you know where I'd stand
But if you don't want this
It wouldn't kill for you to say
That all you want is for this to end.

I can't fix it anymore
I'll just vanish say no more


... If only you sent me home to find truce, I'd be happy to. But instead, I was asked to go home because I was just a burden standing next to you. Two weeks, and I feel like this has been going on for two years. But thanks to you, for deserting me that night. I regained what I have left when I was with you. Being alone helps finding that. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

You know what I want the most? One text from you. Only one. Either saying you've forgiven me, or a text that says the end. That's all.

If only feelings can be taken out.. I would rip it off my chest, put it in a steel box and throw it away into the ocean.

Final Draw

I love you. With all my heart.
But I can't take your words & how you torture my insides.

I can never forget the humiliation.
It sticks in my heart like a stain.

Never forget what you said,
"You don't fit to be with me".


I'll find someone else.
Who takes me as I am.

I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being stepped on.

Dear Jimmy

I tak tau sampai bila you nak buat diam macam ni. Dah lebih seminggu I tunggu you. Kalau you buat macam ni in order to torture me, yes. You have succeeded. Memang you berjaya buat I sakit. Congratulations. Sampai bila you nak buat macam ni? I tak tau. Apa yang I tau, I nak fix apa yang dah jadi. That night, kita dua2 salah. Tapi kenapa I rasa macam I sorang je yang buat salah? Kenapa I rasa macam I dah buat one really bad thing yang you sampai nak hukum I macam ni? I tak faham.

Padahal malam tu, you jerit kat I just because I rushing mintak buku resit dari you. Tu je. I pun tak tau kenapa boleh jadi isu besar.

That night, I ingat you akan betul2 pujuk I untuk stay, tapi tak. I jalan tak pedulikan you. I nak jugak tengok sejauhmana you nak halang I. Sikit je you try and then you left. Never bothered about how am I going to live on the street, never bothered if I'm safe or in danger. Tak sangka...

Entahlah, B.

You marah, sebab I pergi keluar dari kereta & ignore you. Tapi, ada you fikir kenapa I buat macam tu? You really crushed me bila you halau I balik Cheras. Memang. Termasuk malam tu, dah 3-4 kali you suruh I balik Cheras. Kalau you suruh I balik Cheras & minta maaf dengan Mama takpe jugak.. It kills me setiap kali I dengar you cakap macam tu. Tak terlintas ke kat fikiran you sebab I stay is because I nak tolong you? Sebab I tak nak tengok you buat kerja sorang2?

Maybe not.

That day, you balik I tengah tidur kat rumah. Mesti you ingat I overnight kat rumah kan? Nope. I didn't. And I rasa you tak perlu tau I merempat tidur kat mana lepas you tinggal I sorang malam tu. Dua malam I ada kat area situ. I ada kat Keramat lagi that day sebab I nak basuh baju2 I & pergi mana2 tempat yang I boleh pergi. I mintak tolong you hantar I pergi KL Sentral. Remember what did you say? Pergilah naik bas!

Takpe lah. I usung kain baju I naik tren pergi KL Sentral.

Sebelum ni, I tak rasa sangat bila kita gaduh & separate. Tapi kali ni memang I terasa, yang sebenarnya I tak penting pun dalam hidup you. That's why I pergi mana, dengan siapa, naik apa, balik macam mana, you tak peduli. Masa tu I cuma ada RM2 dalam purse. You ada tak terfikir macam mana I nak balik Cheras dengan duit banyak tu? I don't think so. Sebab I tau apa yang lagi penting bagi you daripada nak fikir benda2 macam ni. 

I tau, I pun ada salah dalam hal ni. Tapi kita dua2 salah. Kenapa bila I cuba baiki masalah ni, you refuse? I mintak maaf, I pujuk you, macam2 I cakap untuk lembutkan hati you. Tapi you buat derk je. Macam I terhegeh2 sangat kat you. I just want to fix it. Salah ke?

Then I tengok kat FB you, lagu Khatimah Cinta. Siap tulis sudahlah sudah, ku harus pergi, jangan kau tangisi aku lagi. If you nak pergi, just say it! Cakap, we settle apa yang patut and I takkan ganggu you lagi.

Memang I sayang you. Memang kalau boleh I tak nak lepaskan you, I nak pertahankan lagi apa yang ada. I dah start sayang you macam mana I pernah sayang you dulu. Tapi, too bad. Shit happens. We fight. And you tak berganjak dari silent treatment macam yang you selalu buat. You tau I tak suka. You buat jugak.

I wonder, apa lagi yang you nak B. I dengar cakap you. I setia dengan you. Apa yang you tak suka, I tak buat. I hadap caci maki you. I tahan pukul you. I tak buat benda mengarut belakang you. Berapa banyak airmata I keluar sebab you pun I lost track. I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dalam relationship. I tak tau apa lagi yang you cari dalam life you. Sebab bagi I, apa yang I ada sekarang dah cukup. Orang2 yang I sayang ada dekat dengan I & I tau diorang semua selamat. You, I tak tau.

You nak I jadi isteri mithali untuk you? Boleh. Syaratnya, you imamkan I solat 5 waktu sehari semalam. Tu je I mintak. At least dalam satu hari you imamkan I solat walaupun satu waktu, and I dapat cium tangan you lepas you imamkan I pun, I dah happy.

Tapi, you rasa relationship kita ni ada bright future ke? Even dah dekat 3 tahun, kita pun dah banyak tau pasal each other. What do you think?

Ada lagi ke ruang untuk improvement?

I rasa, mungkin ni last la kot kita gaduh. Last kita separate. I rasa mungkin separate kali ni for good. I dah try fix masalah ni & pujuk you. I'm not like you, boleh biar melarat lama2. No. I akan buat, buat & buat. Tapi bila I tengok tak ada hasil, time to buat benda lain pulak lah.

Memang I ada cakap yang I takkan give up on us. Tapi I rasa, sia2 I buat kalau the effort is only on my side. I also said that you are my life. Tapi maybe it's not important to you anymore. I pun tak tau, maybe you're happier living among your friends without me. Call me paranoid, call me insecure. I tak tau apa yang you buat kat sana. And my insecure feelings say that you happy. Tak tau lah kalau otherwise...

Banyak lagi benda yang I nak cakap kat you. Tapi I rasa, biarlah. Tak guna lagi kalau I nak cakap apa2 pun. Mana ada you nak spend time listen to me pun...

Sigh--

Takpe lah, B. If you nak pergi, I akan tangisi, tapi I tak boleh halang you. I cuba pujuk you, all pride ke apa sekalipun I tolak tepi, tapi you tetap berkeras. I tak mampu buat apa2. And I belum ada apa2. I cuma ada setia & sayang untuk you.

Kalau apa yang I ada tak cukup untuk you, then there's nothing that I can do to stop you from going. Apa yang I mampu buat is doakan you happy, walaupun maybe bukan I yang buat you happy.

I Love You.

And I'm sincerely sorry atas apa yang dah jadi.

So long...

Lesson Taught.

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time.
All the time..

Lagu ni untuk u.. Kalau ada u baca blog i.. Memang i nak turn back time & stay with u malam tu. I don't care about pride ke apa ke. I just nak u. I tak kisah kalau u tak nak i ada dengan u macam dulu, kalau u nak i duduk cheras. It's ok. Just i nak u.

I can't help feeling like u dah tak nak teruskan hubungan kita. Tapi kalaupun u tak nak teruskan, bagitau i yang u dah tak nak. I akan cuba terima keputusan u. Its's not easy, tapi sekrang2nya u bagitau i that u nak withdraw.

Even macam tu, i nak peluang teruskan relationship ni dengan u. Dalam hati i tak ada tempat untuk orang lain. Dah penuh dengan u.

Please come back, b. U sorang je yang i nak. U je. Maafkan i..

Being Alone

Hubby, remember when I told you that you are the only man in my life? Well, I think you know where you stand.

That night, I thought I could live a homeless life. But I can't. I actually can't. I depend on you. On almost everything. I regret. I regret on leaving you that night, yelling back at you. I regret. Shouldn't have done that.

I'm hoping, waiting for you to pick me up somewhere and continue living our troublesome life together. I want to be with you, through thick and thin. Through hard and ease. Please. Let me be with you at this time of hardship. Please.

I'll be waiting for you. I know I asked whether it's yes or no, but I crave for you. For us. I will be waiting. No matter how hard it is, I'd still be waiting to hear from you. I know it's my fault to say those mean things to you without thnking straight. And I know I have hurt you deeply with those words. But please, come back.

I miss my monster. I miss us.

I'll be waiting. Come back. Come back.

Talk about Drugs

"If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door
Cos it will take a whole lot of medication
To realise what we used to have
We don't have it anymore"

I too, will need medications to ever forget whatever we had for so long... Hell, it will be on my mind as long as I breathe. The most adventurous relationship I've been in, my whole life.

I have no place to live, I have no shoulder to lie on. If you remember where did I ask you to send me..

I won't go to the place you want me to. I can't. Not in this condition. I have nothing. I have nobody. I thought I had you, but I forgot that our relationship is too fragile.

But honey, I never wanted this thing to happen. I know you' re offended. And I'm sorry for that. I was really disappointed by what you said. I need to fix t
I thought you were going to really stop me from going, but I was wrong. You were never that type. And I thought I could get your attention by throwing those words at you.. But, boy was I wrong. I was pushing you away farther.

And I know how wrong I was.

And I know I need to control my feelings & emotions, so I won't end up screaming at you with harsh words again.

But believe me, I'm truly sorry.

From the last text that I sent to you, I want you to know that I meant every word I said.

If you feel like there's still hope for us, I'll be waiting for you. Somewhere. But I won't be in Damai Bakti 4.

But somewhere, with or without drugs, I will be waiting. For my one and only.

The Trouble with Us is...

I dont know what went wrong the other night, tapi bila u sebut kata nak hantar i balik cheras, i betul2 naik angin. As if u memang tak nak i ada kat sebelah u, tak nak i tolong bisnes u etc etc. As if u memang tunggu masa nak hantar i balik cheras so that i wont bother u anymore. It all starts with a small matter, yang i rasa tak perlu dibesarkan. U were on the phone, i was asking for the receipt book meanwhile. Kecik je hal nye kan? Tapi kenapa i kena marah & macam i buat salah besar sangat, i tak tau.

I tak faham b, kenapa? U dah fed up dgn i, sampai benda kecik camtu pun u nak jerit kat i? U dah tak kuasa?

Marah b, memang i marah malam tu. Sebab dah berapa kali u halau i balik cheras. How many times do i have to tell u i tak nak balik sana? I kalau nak balik sana, i boleh balik sendiri, tak payah mintak u hantar, even jalan kaki pun i sanggup kalau i nak balik sana sendiri. But the point is, i nak ada dengan u. I nak stay by your side masa sekarang, masa u tengah susah. I tak nak u bersusah payah amik i kat cheras kalau u nak jumpa i. I nak tolong u apa yg i boleh, apa yg i mampu. Tapi u fikir i selfish, i pentingkan nak berkepit dgn u. No. I tak nak nanti bila u dah senang baru i ada dgn u. No. I nak ada dengan u from the start, from down below sampai nanti kita senang sama2. I tak nak just pakai duit u bila u dah senang, i nak tolong u, at least whatever i take from u i pun ada tolong keluar kudrat for it. Bukan saja2 pow duit u.

But then maybe intention i tak selari dengan tindakan i. Maybe i buat u rimas, i buat u rasa susah when i sebenarnya nak bantu u. I tak nak tengok u buat kerja sorang2. Tapi maybe i buat u rasa yg i ni beban, extra luggage that u have to carry along your daily job.

If u ever feel that way, im sorry.

I dengar u say sorry that night, but then masa tu i frust & upset bila u suruh i balik cheras. Dah tak ada tempat untuk i lagi kat sana. Tambah lagi masa tu u grip i kuat sangat, i nk lari dari u. I takut u pukul i. Cos the last time pun jadi masa dlm kereta. I tak nak jadi lagi. Especially bila u ckp u xnak pukul i. I fear for the worst.

Tapi the aftermath memang salah i. I tak mampu control perasaan i bila u off phone and just leave me ther. I mintak maaf sangat untuk tu.

Last but not least, i just nak u tau yang i nak ada dengan u sekarang. I tak nak biar sorang2 struggle. I tak nak duduk lepak while u do all the work sorang. Let me be there for you. Let me share the pain with you.

Panggil lah i apapun, yang i tau i want to be next to you. All the time. Susah, senang, i nak ada dengan u. I nak jadi peneman u sampai bila2. I mintak maaf sangat sangat atas apa yang i cakap kat u malam tu. I tak patut lukakan u macam tu. Salah i.

Apa pun yang i buat tiap2 hari, u sentiasa dlam kepala i, b.

Sentiasa.

Hanya u yang i selalu ingat, u yang i selalu mimpi, u yang i selalu rindu. Even seminit u tak ada, i rindu.

Only you.

Rabu malam Khamis

Lepas lepak, balik, tengok ada love letter kat atas laptop. Ayat2 indah yang ditulis. Yang paling terkesan kat hati aku - pengotor tak ada tempat dalam rumah ni. Tolong faham!. Semua ditulis dalam huruf besar. Aku fikir sendiri. Agak2 orang lain ada kena macam ni tak dengan family diorang?

Frust. Memang frust sangat. Dah la pagi2 kena halau macam kucing kurap, just because aku lepak tidur kat hall rumah. Macam aku ni tak ada value. Macam aku ni tenant yang menyewa kat rumah ni. Cuma ada ada space kat bilik yang aku bayar. Tapi bukan untuk rumah ni.

Aku pernah terbaca kat FB; Mums always say that the house belongs to them. But when it comes to cleaning, the house magically becomes mine too. Betul jugak statement ni. Aku setuju.

Balik, ingat boleh terus sambung kerja yang tertangguh, tapi mood terus spoiled sebab surat cinta yang teramat2 indah yang aku dapat. Tak sangka, sebab mug 2 bijik, mangkuk sebijik kat dapur, boleh jadi camni. Padahal sinki kat dapur dah clear pun, monster tolong siang tadi. Sikit pun tak grateful, even rumah tak kemas habis. Bagi aku better daripada macam tongkang pecah.

Dalam aku nak repair mood untuk sambung kerja, monster suruh aku tolong dia kemas rumah. Kata dia, kita kemas rumah ni cantik2. Biar dia tengok esok rumah ni kemas. OK lah, aku kemas. Tapi dalam dok kemas2 tu aku tak puas hati sebenarnya. Dalam dok kemas2 tu mulut aku tek berenti mengomel.

Memang, banyak benda yang aku tak puas hati. Pasal rumah, behaviour, attitude.. Even pasal cara dia layan adik. Irritating. Rumah nak kemas, tapi nak orang yang kemas. Adik pulak tiap2 pagi kena marah sebab lambat nak pergi sekolah. Padahal boleh je bangun 10-15minit awal sikit. Ada la masa nak tengok itu ini. Tapi tak, selagi jam tu tak pukul 7, adik takkan turun siap.

Kesian aku tengok adik, pagi2 mamai2 baru bangun tidur dah kena marah camtu. Baru darjah 1, kena macam tu. Diajar bangun ngam2 time nak pergi sekolah, lepas tu kena tempik2. Every single day. Bila budak tu melawan, dikata budak tu biadap la, tak cukup ajar la apa la. Padahal budak tu tiap2 pagi tension kena tempik.

Aku rasa, apa yang arwah bapak aku ajar banyak buat aku sabar. Walaupun tak berapa sangat pun la. Kalau tak, dah lama aku blah. Balik kadang2 je. Semak otak! And, bila jadi macam malam ni, aku teringat one of the reasons why I left the house to live outside.

***

Tapi bila aku ngomel2 ngadu kat monster, lain pulak jadinya. Tiba2 timbul pasal rumah kawan dia. Dafuq? Aku bukan tak bagi langsung dia nak tolong2 kat rumah kawan dia, tapi aku tak suka cara bini kawan dia tu layan dia. Macam semua orang dia nak buat khadam. Yang dia tu, duduk mengadap TV, tak habis2 hisap rokok. Lepas sebatang, sebatang. Sampai laki sendiri terkejut kenapa rokok cepat sangat habis. Padahal bini pregnant. Biar je bini. Biar..

Aku kadang2 rasa macam aku ni asking too much pun ada. Tapi bagi aku, biar buat lambat sikit tak apa, janji buat. Yang paling aku suka, buat sama2. Biar la kerja tu sikit pun, buat sama2. Entah la, maybe itu aku. Maybe seetengah orang suka buat kerja sendiri2. Sesetengah orang pulak suka orang lain buatkan untuk dia. Even aku pun sometimes camtu. Tapi janganlah all the time. Dengan family sendiri pulak tu. Aku rasa macam tak berapa betul je. Dok kata family first la apa la, tapi family dikhadam2kan. Tah pape tah.

Paling aku tak suka bila orang lepas marah. Paling aku pantang. Penat ke, marah kat orang lain ke apa ke, kalau balik lepas kat family memang aku marah. Nyamuk gigit, pi mengamuk kat perhimpunan balairaya. Macam tu la gaya dia. Menyampah!

Tadi monster suruh tanya, adik aku yg sorang lagi tu dah makan ke belum? Tanya2 tengok, dia belum makan lagi. Aku tanya, tak ada orang tanya dia dah makan ke belum ke? Dia kata tak.

Surat cinta kemain lagi. Cakap macam2. Ahli keluarga sendiri yang baru nak sihat dari food poisoning tu tak tanya sikit pun makan dia cukup ke tak. Nampak sangat pinggan mangkuk 2-3 bijik dalam sinki tu lagi penting dari perut anak, lagi penting daripada kesihatan anak. Tak fikir.

Semalam pun sama. Balik kerja, lepak makan kat luar, balik memekak, lepas tu naik bilik terus senyap sunyi. Tidur. Tak ada sikit pun nak tanya; hari ni makan apa? Malam dah makan ke belum? Takkk... Dok bising pasal rumah bersepah, pinggan mangkuk dalam sinki tak ada sapa nak cuci, rumah tak ada maid la apa la...

Sinki kosong & hall kemas tu lagi penting. Sinki & hall tu boleh jadi ubat ke kalau anak sakit gastrik?

Buah jambu tiga serangkai, bak kata arwah Pak Lang.

Tears at Noon

Today, she cried after several weeks being with him. Over not so much of a big deal but she cried. She didn't even understand why.

It's not a matter of life and death, but she couldn't make him understand the importance. But she didn't expect him to yell & throw a tantrum. She thought he was going to apologise, but she was bombarded with something else.

She looked away, trying to hide tears that were running down her face. She hid her disappointment with arrogance & harshness. She doesn't want to look weak before him.

Alone in her thoughts--

She started thinking, was the decision she made correct?

Dia Luka Lagi

Hati berkata khayal sendiri
Tak mungkin dihiris lagi

Tapi sepi kembali membingit
Antara logika dan kehendak rasa
Dia lelah terhimpit
Bila takut berubah nyata

Semua janji cuma mainan kata

Ikhlas?
Selalu dia berkata harap

Tapi diam. Jangan kata apa-apa.
Dia tahu.

Semua sumpah juna plastik.
Dia nampak.
Tapi dia paling,
Kangen hati yang real.


Dia tahu.
Tak mungkin sekali
Nanti dia tak akan mengadu

Sebab semua itu sia-sia.

Diam.
Tak perlu minta perjelas.

Diam!

Tied

The other day aku pergi wedding kawan aku, I talked to the bride's aunt. Aku bagitau la kenapa aku tak ada along the days diorang prepare wedding tu. Dia cakap ok, then we started talking.

Aunt: Kenapa tak baik dengan dia dah?
Aku: Entah lah..
Aunt: Pegi tanya dia betul2. Nak kawan ke nak kahwin. Kalo nak kahwin, bagi dia 6 bulan je. Kalo tak kahwin, tak payah terus.
Aku: Masalahnya bila saya nak kahwin, dia nak kawan. Tapi bila dia nak kahwin dia pulak yang nak kawan je.
Aunt: *geleng kepala & ketawa*


That's actually what I feel sometimes. Aku kadang2 tak tau apa yang patut aku decide. Kahwin? Aku tak rasa kitorang dah ready. Or at least me, for that matter. Tapi kadang2 aku rasa nak buat gila ajak dia kahwin je terus. Tak payah semak2 kepala. Buat kerja gila pegi menikah kat Thailand, balik bayar jabatan 3k, then buat kenduri. Tak payah nak semak2 prepare paperwork ape jadah lagi ntah.

Itu kalau aku. Itu kalo aku betul2 nak kahwin & tak nak menyusahkan diri sendiri. Senang. Tapi masalahnya betul ke aku nak kahwin? And at this moment, dengan dia. Really? Aku nak gamble?

Aku selalu terfikir jugak, katakan la aku kahwin dengan dia. Sang monster tu. Takut jugak aku, kalo gaduh & kena pukul lagi. Plus, aku pun takut nanti kena curang pulak. And the other thing, kalo ye pun aku nak buat gila kahwin, kalo aku pilih dia; dia pilih aku ke? Dia nak settle down dengan aku ke? Daripada gaya macam dia tak nak je. Takkan aku nak hegeh2 kat dia ajak kahwin? Macam popmuan desperate la pulak.

Aku suka ayat ni: One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love, and they hug you back even tighter. Aku pernah rasa. Dengan dia. Tapi ada lagi ke semua tu? Macam dah fade pun ada. Macam dah tak ada apa2 yang kitorang boleh fix dalam relationship ni. Weird. Sebab at the same time, aku tak tau kenapa tiba2 aku nak try lagi dengan dia. Aku tak paham dengan diri sendiri. Sangat3 weird.

Aku selalu fikir, apa yang ada kat dia, yang buat aku susah sangat nak let go? Apa? Apa? Aku tak dapat jawapan. Tapi bila aku fikir2 balik, apa yang dia buat kat aku & untuk aku, benda2 tu aku tak pernah dapat. Not from his predecessors. All those crazy things yang kitorang buat untuk each other yang kadang2 buat aku lekat dengan dia.

And the nights. And the consummation. Argh! itu yang buat aku lagi susah nak blah. Rare. Even kadang2 aku tak berapa suka, tapi best! Dafuq, man! Aku dah tak patut fikir dah benda2 macam tu. Aku tak rasa hubungan ni boleh pegi lagi. Macam dah sampai final stop. Macam dah tak boleh fix lagi dah.

Maybe.

You Stole My Star. Lalala~

I don't know what to say. Tapi aku rasa weird gila bila aku jumpa balik dengan dia. I mean, part of me memang tergedik2 terketaq2 nak jumpa dia, but the other part macam takut. Sebab aku rasa macam tak patut je jumpa dia. Should I? Should I not?

Question mark.

Tapi dah tak boleh nak buat apa2. Benda dah jadi. And knowing this, aku rasa macam aku tak sepatutnya buat semua ni. Sebab aku tau dia macam mana, and aku tau whatever happens, at the end of the day aku sorang je yang akan be alone & hurt. Bukan dia. Silly, macam mana la aku boleh ingat yang dia akan buat aku happy even for the slightest moment? Tak boleh blah betul.

On the other thought, aku rasa, he just doesn't care. Dia lagi suka mind his own business dengan kawan2 dia rather than try to console aku, for that matter. Bila aku tunjuk yang aku tak suka certain things yang dia buat, or aku start asking him questions, dia avoid. Seboleh2nya dia nak elak dari jawab soalan2 aku. Kenapa? Apa yang dia nak rahsiakan daripada aku?

What, he's trying to hide how he really feels for me? Really? Then why bother? Kenapa dia nak susah2 spend masa untuk aku & even susahkan diri dia sendiri untuk aku? For what? Just to prove that he's a gentleman? Come on, aku bukan kenal dia semalam. Aku tau dia inside out. But the point is, KENAPA?

I don't get it.

Nak play games dengan aku? We both know each other too well untuk main2 la. Aku tak rasa perlu pun nak main2 ni. Unless he plans to avenge himself sebab aku dah buat dia frust not too long ago. Tapi dia sendiri tau that it was his own fault. Bukannya aku saja2 nak withdraw. Bukannya aku ada jantan lain. Dah dua bulan aku single kot. Kalau aku blah sebab jantan lain, aku dah tak ingat dia dah.

Kadang2 aku rasa macam relation aku dengan dia ni takkan habis. Macam inseparable. Bila gaduh, dia tak nak go on, aku tak nak lepaskan. Tapi bila aku pulak yang tak nak go on, dia try so hard tak nak lepaskan aku pergi. Aku sendiri macam susah nak percaya.

Kawan kitorang pernah cakap dia tak pernah tengok this guy go back to any girl before me.Not even my predecessor. Tapi aku kadang2 rasa macam there's no more future for us, even aku kadang2 nak lagi try dengan dia. Sebab aku percaya ada something redeemable dalam diri dia. Cuma benda tu dia tak nak admit.  Maybe dia tak nampak lagi. Maybe.

Aku just wish that dia sedar kalau dia still dengan diri dia sekarang & proud of it, dia bukannya akan hilang aku (at the moment), tapi dia akan hilang sapa pun yang datang dalam life dia nanti. That's pretty much what I see. Either they leave, or they cheat on him.

Aku pun tak tau nak cakap dengan dia macam mana, even best friend dia pun dah tak tau nak nasihat apa lagi kat dia. He's still the same. Bukan dia tak boleh control & change. The problem is, dia tak nak buat.

And that's why he is a 30-year old behaving like a 17-year old. Bila nak mature aku pun tak tau.


Dear you,
You once told me that I was your star card
You also said that 'no star can shine with a broken heart'
But right now I can't shine like before
Because you stole my star.

And left me alone in the dark.

Love, Rage.

I'm sorry. That's pretty much I can say. I don't think we can ever be together again. Things are just so messed up between us that I don't see any chances for us to finish what we have started.

Do you think so?

Let's see. There are so many things that we've done to each other and there are also many things that we keep to ourselves. They bottled up into rages & grudges. You told me that yourself.

 How can we forget everything that has happened? Its never going to ever be the same again. There's too much blood in the relationship. And though I still have some feelings for you, I don't see any possibilities that we are going to be happy together. Ever.

If you think otherwise, prove me wrong.

Because I can't see anything promising for us.
No hope.
No guarantee.
No beautiful colours.

 The reason I've been treating you so bad is that I want you to hate me. Please, hate me with all your heart. Hate me with every cell in you. Because I can't tell you that I'm no longer yours & break your heart, over & over. I can't do it.

 Please, hate me.

 Let's move on with lives and return to each other if God wills it.

Defeat in the Battlefield

Dulu, dia pernah bagitau aku. Love, is a battlefield sayang. Kena fight. So I fought. So hard that dedicated almost my entire self. I fought for the thing called love in me for him. But unfortunately, in that battlefield dia commit ONE fatal mistake. And that mistake has lost him in the fight. My mum always says; if you push your luck too far, you might lose it all. This is what you've done. And the consequences? You lost everything that I always keep in my heart. What you did totally banished every single flame that I have lit for you. And what people say is right, it's like a mirror. Once it's broken, even if you fix it, you can still see the crack marks. I'm sorry, I can't be anymore in your arms. I can't bear the flashbacks I see everytime I look at your face. And the fear, it is almost unbearable. Every single time your hand touches mine. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't..

Like A Soap Opera

Haih, entahlah. Tak tau nak cakap apa.

Aku sayangggg dia. Tapi bila aku takut, ni lah jadinya.

Bila makan tangan, aku tak marah. Aku tak benci. Apa lagi dendam. Memang tak ada. Tapi aku jadi takut. Aku takut sangat.
Aku takut dengan kemugkinan yang dia akan buat lagi. Aku takut nanti benda ni jadi macam common thing between us. Aku tak nak. Aku takut.

Marahlah kalau nak marah. Bencilah kalau nak benci. Tapi memang sungguh aku takut. Aku takut dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. Aku tak tau nak buat apa. Aku serba salah, antara sayang dengan takut. Aku tak mau sakit lagi.

Aku mintak maaf, terlalu terlalu. Bukan aku ada niat sengaja lukakan hati kau, sayang. Tapi aku takut. Inside out, aku mintak maaf.

Sepenuh hati, aku tak nak benda ni jadi. Aku tak nak hubungan berantakan lagi. Aku macam numb, tak rasa apa2. Aku jalan, buat apa yang aku buat haritu, tapi otak aku kosong. Aku menangis. Tapi, entahlah. Aku rasa kosong. Aku rasa macam terawang2 tak ada arah.

Sungguh, aku sayang. Aku cinta. Dan sekarang, aku rindu. Rindu sangat. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi dia kembali. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi ada kita. Mungkin, dia pun tak nak lagi.

Kalaulah saat kau marah, aku peluk kau sekuat2 hati, mungkin semua ni takkan jadi.

Mungkin, mungkin.

My Small One

That kitten has died. Thanks to him, keras kepala dia, degil dia. Banyak kali aku kata, pergi hantar kitten tu pergi kat Papa Hero, sana ada ibu kucing yg menyusu. Tapi dia tak nak.. degil.

Bangun pagi aku tanya mana budak kecik tu? Dia kata dah tanam.

Aku dah cakap. AKU DAH CAKAP!

Terbang lagi satu nyawa kat tangan dia. Degil tak habis-habis! Semua nak ikut kepala dia!