Actng Mets

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KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You. Should I?

You apologised. You wanted another chance. You realised that you were wrong. You want to make it up to me, improve our relationship and be happy together. What were you thinking when you broke this up and destroyed me?

I still remember, it was November 9th, I went to your office parking lot at the basement and waited for you from 10pm to 2am, just to ask for another chance to patch things up between us. 4 hours of waiting, hurting and hoping that you might think twice about our relationship. But all I got was ultimate disappointment and humiliation. Yes, I know I've insulted you pretty bad when I threw all your stuff outside the house. And I've explained it to you why. Why, what made me do that, because for all you know, I would never do such things to you.

But you said you would rather die alone than live your life with me. Can you imagine how those words slammed my heart? Everything that I had hope, all the things we built together was ruined, destroyed in a split second after you said that. And what made it worse is that you told me you were living a happier life without any commitment and me. In one week, you told me, you didn't have anybody to control your movements and whereabouts you were going. Well, let me tell you something. Within that one week where you were living happily, I was stuck at home, crying and crying, and hoping that you would come back. Sending you messages and cards and even flowers to make you come home. But you did not. You never did.

And, did you ever thought of me after that November 9th? Did you ever miss me along the 3 weeks after you dumped me, for the second time? I didn't stop thinking of you. Everywhere I went, everything I saw and felt, every song I heard, it all reminded me of you. Especially Ruby. Driving that car made me miss you so much, I wanted to run to you and tell you how much I love and care for you, and how I wanted to relive our relationship so we can be happy again. I just wonder, did I ever cross your mind, even for a second? Did you ever want to call me and say you missed me? I wonder.

And then came 2nd December. Thursday, I was drunk and I wanted you so much. I called you, I said I hate you repeatedly. I did, I did hate you, because you, instead of giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes, you walked away. You left me hanging, and then you crushed me to ground when you end it. I was satisfied for hurting you. But you came. You came and God knows, how I wanted to hold you and say I'm sorry for everything. But you hit me, humiliated me again in front of our friends. You left us and with me nothing at 4am in the morning. Don't be mad at Wani, she just had to to what she needed to do. Or I would never get home that night. None of of us would.

But after that you started calling and calling me, from Saturday night. Until yesterday, insisting that you want to see me. For whatever reasons, I don't know. But I was sure I didn't want to meet you. I was hurt so badly after what you did that I never wanted to see you again. I even prayed to God to put you away from me if we're not meant for each other. But you kept on coming. You never stopped coming. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what are God's plans for us. You came to me asking for forgiveness and telling me how sorry you were after that night. And that you realised how you still loved me after you found out you broke into anger knowing I was taking alcohol. What? Where was your conscience when I was begging at you for another chance? Where was your heart when you said you love me, but you can't keep our relationship? And the part where you were willing to give any amount of money, long as I walk away from you? What happened to you? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? See me cry for you?

I don't know what you feel, but somewhere in me is saying that you might be lying to me. I know, everyone knows that you are an excellent liar. How you lied to me pretty much about everything that I needed to know and that you preferred it to be that way because you just couldn't tell me the truth. For all I know, I have told you about everything I need in a relationship. And the most important is that I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how painful it is. But you couldn't, you just couldn't.. Why is it so difficult for you to tell me, tell everybody the truth?

I can't stop thinking - why should I give you another chance? Will we be happier if we get back together? Will you prove yourself to me, according to what you've said that night? Will I not be hurt by you again? Will I not be crying alone in my room because of what you do and say, again? Can we live a happy life together and live by God's rules? Happily? Can you stand my mood swings which can burst at any time for the rest of your life? Will you stay faithful to me in say, 30 years? I have so much to lose in this. And I'm so afraid if I let you have this opportunity, you will break me again. I want to forgive you. I want to let you fix what you've done. I want to try again and make it work. But I'm afraid. I am so afraid, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt you, I can't. But I'm afraid you will. My brain says I gotta be selfish in this. But my heart says you should be given another chance. I don't know which to follow. You can say anything, but if this doesn't work out, I will be the one who cries every night in her room until you fade.

Things That I Hate About You

You. I never fancied you in the first place. Just so you know, here are the things that I don't like about you.

1. I hate your long hair. It makes you look messy and you look miserable.

2. I never liked your eyes. Maybe it takes time for me to get used to it.

3. I hate your huge ego. It suffocates me. If ego was a person, I'd kill it long time ago.

4. I hate it when you snore. I can't sleep with you snoring loudly next to me. I need more than a half hour to sleep hearing your snores.

5. I hate the way you wear your pants. It's so low, everybody can see you ass. They don't even have to peek. At least, you could wear high-waist undies to cover it, but you didn't. It's gross. Like, so ew.

6. I hate it when you were always controlling my movement, I can't even go out anywhere to meet friends. I ain't your pet, I was your partner..

7. I hate it when I asked you about something, you lied to me, even though you were just playing around. I didn't like it. Just tell me the truth. End of story.

8. I hate it when you escaped our fights, instead of sitting down with me and solve it.

9. I hate it when you kept on provoking me even after I gave in to our fights.

10. I hate your guts when you never wanted to admit your mistakes and kept on blaming me on small2 matters that occur. It made both of us look childish with you blaming and me defending myself.

11. I hate your shoes. It's yellow, for God's sakes. Ew.

12. I hate it when you wanted to spend a lot of money when it's time for you to save.

13. I hate your credit cards sooo fucking much!

14. I hate it that I still can't forget Farah when I look at you, cos I know she was your best (as you told me).

15. I hate you, because you love to make me do things I don't like. Allll the time. Remember the satay scene?

16. I hate your temper. You're always get angry even over little mistakes I make.

17. I hate your exaggerated words when you talk. Be humble-lah.

18. I hate it that you are far from The Almighty. I know I'm not a good servant, but hey, you're a man. You should know more than I do.

19. I don't like the way you smoke. Looks sissy. Haha!

20. I hate it when you use violence on me. Come on, I'm only half your size!

21. I hate it when you sweet-talk me. Like I don't know men!

22. I hate it when you never called after we fight and then act as if nothing happened later. Hate it.

What else? Hm. I can't figure out yet. But I will add them sooner or later. But those flaws, those things that I hate can't match your advantages and little things that I like about you. Let me tell you what I like about you.

1. I actually like your curly hair. You'll look super sexy with out-of-bed hairdo.

2. I like your fingers. They're weird. Don't ask me why I like them.

3. I like your nose, because when you kiss me, it's stuck on my cheek. And it's sharp. Hihi.

4. I like you feet. I don't even know why. Maybe because of your long toes.

5. I love it when you come and hug me tenderly. It makes me feel safe.

6. I like it when you always look after me, protect me.

7. After some of our fights, when you give in, you made me feel like a princess. You really made me feel happy.

8. I like it when you always give your hand so I can hold them. Shows that you really care about me.

9. Though not much, I love your attention and patience for me. You look so mature with them.

10. I just love the way you love me. Minus the temper and violence.

I guess that'd be all. I apologise in advance if you feel offended reading this. But this is just how i feel. And you know I'm not that good at lying. All I'm saying is no matter how flawed, how bad, how mean you are or anybody, when I love, I don't just love the good things about you. I take everything you have to offer. And I choose to look only on your good side because them bad things about you are not important as long as I know I love you. Or anybody. For me, that is unconditional love. No requirements. No qualifications. Just love.