You. Should I?

You apologised. You wanted another chance. You realised that you were wrong. You want to make it up to me, improve our relationship and be happy together. What were you thinking when you broke this up and destroyed me?

I still remember, it was November 9th, I went to your office parking lot at the basement and waited for you from 10pm to 2am, just to ask for another chance to patch things up between us. 4 hours of waiting, hurting and hoping that you might think twice about our relationship. But all I got was ultimate disappointment and humiliation. Yes, I know I've insulted you pretty bad when I threw all your stuff outside the house. And I've explained it to you why. Why, what made me do that, because for all you know, I would never do such things to you.

But you said you would rather die alone than live your life with me. Can you imagine how those words slammed my heart? Everything that I had hope, all the things we built together was ruined, destroyed in a split second after you said that. And what made it worse is that you told me you were living a happier life without any commitment and me. In one week, you told me, you didn't have anybody to control your movements and whereabouts you were going. Well, let me tell you something. Within that one week where you were living happily, I was stuck at home, crying and crying, and hoping that you would come back. Sending you messages and cards and even flowers to make you come home. But you did not. You never did.

And, did you ever thought of me after that November 9th? Did you ever miss me along the 3 weeks after you dumped me, for the second time? I didn't stop thinking of you. Everywhere I went, everything I saw and felt, every song I heard, it all reminded me of you. Especially Ruby. Driving that car made me miss you so much, I wanted to run to you and tell you how much I love and care for you, and how I wanted to relive our relationship so we can be happy again. I just wonder, did I ever cross your mind, even for a second? Did you ever want to call me and say you missed me? I wonder.

And then came 2nd December. Thursday, I was drunk and I wanted you so much. I called you, I said I hate you repeatedly. I did, I did hate you, because you, instead of giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes, you walked away. You left me hanging, and then you crushed me to ground when you end it. I was satisfied for hurting you. But you came. You came and God knows, how I wanted to hold you and say I'm sorry for everything. But you hit me, humiliated me again in front of our friends. You left us and with me nothing at 4am in the morning. Don't be mad at Wani, she just had to to what she needed to do. Or I would never get home that night. None of of us would.

But after that you started calling and calling me, from Saturday night. Until yesterday, insisting that you want to see me. For whatever reasons, I don't know. But I was sure I didn't want to meet you. I was hurt so badly after what you did that I never wanted to see you again. I even prayed to God to put you away from me if we're not meant for each other. But you kept on coming. You never stopped coming. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what are God's plans for us. You came to me asking for forgiveness and telling me how sorry you were after that night. And that you realised how you still loved me after you found out you broke into anger knowing I was taking alcohol. What? Where was your conscience when I was begging at you for another chance? Where was your heart when you said you love me, but you can't keep our relationship? And the part where you were willing to give any amount of money, long as I walk away from you? What happened to you? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? See me cry for you?

I don't know what you feel, but somewhere in me is saying that you might be lying to me. I know, everyone knows that you are an excellent liar. How you lied to me pretty much about everything that I needed to know and that you preferred it to be that way because you just couldn't tell me the truth. For all I know, I have told you about everything I need in a relationship. And the most important is that I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how painful it is. But you couldn't, you just couldn't.. Why is it so difficult for you to tell me, tell everybody the truth?

I can't stop thinking - why should I give you another chance? Will we be happier if we get back together? Will you prove yourself to me, according to what you've said that night? Will I not be hurt by you again? Will I not be crying alone in my room because of what you do and say, again? Can we live a happy life together and live by God's rules? Happily? Can you stand my mood swings which can burst at any time for the rest of your life? Will you stay faithful to me in say, 30 years? I have so much to lose in this. And I'm so afraid if I let you have this opportunity, you will break me again. I want to forgive you. I want to let you fix what you've done. I want to try again and make it work. But I'm afraid. I am so afraid, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt you, I can't. But I'm afraid you will. My brain says I gotta be selfish in this. But my heart says you should be given another chance. I don't know which to follow. You can say anything, but if this doesn't work out, I will be the one who cries every night in her room until you fade.