If You Only Knew

Benda2 ni aku copy dari entah sapa punya FB yang ter-ada kat home aku. To whom it may concern, if you read this, inilah apa yang aku rasa selama kita bersama. Sayang sekali, kau tak pernah tau. Atau mungkin, kau tak pernah ingin ambik tau.


Andainya lelaki tau--


* Apabila seprang perempuan jatuh cinta, lelaki itu tidak semstinya punya segalanya. Tetapi lelaki itu adalah segala2nya dihatinya.


* Apabila seseorang perempuan itu mengalirkan air mata, itu bukan bermakna dia lemah, tetapi dia sedang mencari kekuatan untuk terus tabah mencintai lelaki itu


* Apabila perempuan marah, dia tidak mampu mengawal perasaanya - tapi percayalah, itu maknanya dia sangat mengambil berat & menyayangi lelaki itu. Lihat saja pasangan yang baru bercinta, mereka jarang bergaduh. Tetapi percayalah, semakin bertambah sayang merekapada seseorang, semakin banyak pula pertelingkahan yang berlaku.


* Apabila perempuan bercakap banyak, dia tidak pernah bermaksud untuk membuat anda rimas, tapi dia mahu lelaki mengenalinya dengan lebih dekat.


* Apabila perempuan berkata dia mahu anda berubah, itu bukan bermakna dia tidak mahu menerima anda seadanya, tetapi dia mahu menjadikan anda lebih baik. Bukan untuk dirinya, tetapi untuk masa depan anda.


* Apabila perempuan cemburu & tidak percayakan anda, bukan bermakna dia tidak sayang. Tetapi dia terlalu sayangkan anda & masih menganggap anda anak kecil yang masih memerlukan sepenuh perhatian. Kadang2 dia terlalu risau sekiranya dia terlalu percaya, anda akan mengkhianati kepercayaan yang diberi. Naluri keibuannya sangat kuat. Dia hanya mahukan yang terbaik untuk anda.


* Apabila perempuan merajuk. jangan kata dia mengada-ngada. Dia bukannya mahu dipujuk dengan wang ringgit atau hadiah sedozen, tetapi cukup dengan perhatian yang boleh buat perempuan rasa dihargai.


* Apabila perempuan jarang mengatakan 'I Love You', itu tidak bermaksud dia tidak menyintai tetapi dia mahu lelaki itu merasai sendiri cintanya, bukan hanya hadir dari kata-kata tetapi juga melalui bahasa tubuhnya.   


* Apabila perempuan kata dia rindu sama kamu, dia benar-benar maksudkannya. Apabila berjauhan, bayanganmu akan sentiasa bermain di mata. 


* Apabila perempuan kata lelaki lain itu lebih baik dari kamu, jangan percaya kata-katanya kerana dia hanya mahu menguji kamu. Dia mahu melihat sejauh mana kamu sanggup menjadi yang terbaik di matanya. Walaupun sebenarnya memang kamulah yang terbaik di hatinya.   Selagi dia dengan kamu, percayalah, walaupun perempuan menganggap masih ramai lagi yang lebih baik di matanya tetapi di hatinya, kamu tetap yang terbaik. 


* Apabila perempuan menjadi degil, dia bukan bermaksud untuk menjadi degil tapi dia mahu melihat sejauh mana lelaki itu mampu bersabar dengan kerenahnya. Percayalah, hati perempuan itu sangat lembut.  Andai kena caranya, jangan terkejut kalau akhirnya dia menukar fikirannya dalam masa sesaat.


* Apabila perempuan berkata, “tolong tinggalkan saya!”, dia tidak bermaksud menyuruh anda pergi selamanya. Dia hanya mahu menenangkan fikirannya sebentar saja. Apabila dia kembali tenang, percayalah dia akan mencari anda semula. Itu tandanya dia benar-benar menyintai anda. Perempuan sukar untuk mengawal perasaan. Dia terlalu emosional. Tapi dialah yang paling menyayangi anda dan sangat sensitif dengan perubahan pada diri anda.


* Sememangnya Allah menciptakan lelaki dan perempuan itu dengan perbezaan yang tersendiri. Tetapi sekiranya mereka saling memahami, mereka akan saling melengkapi dan menyempurnakan. 


* Perempuan itu diciptakan oleh Allah indah sekali. Di sebalik air matanya, tersimpan seribu satu kekuatan yang bakal menjadikan seorang lelaki itu merasa selamat bersamanya. Biarpun zahirnya perempuan itu tampak lemah tapi dia punya kekuatan tersendiri yang bisa menggoncang dunia dan mungkin bisa pula membuat lelaki menjadi lemah kerananya. 


Jadi hargailah kehadiran seorang perempuan dalam hidup anda kerana dia didatangkan bukan dengan kelemahan sahaja tetapi dia juga ada kekuatan untuk menyokong anda dan membuatkan hidup anda lebih sempurna. Dialah yang bakal menjadi perempuan bekerjaya, isteri juga ibu yang terbaik untuk anak2 anda.

Aku Putus Asa

Biar aku mulakan entry kali ni dengan flow hubungan kita. Mula aku kenal kau, kau mau buat aku adik angkat. Dengan alasan; kau anak tunggal, tak punya adik. Aku terima. Kemudian kau tinggalkan tunang yang bersama kau selama 4 tahun macam tu je sebab kau mau buat aku milik kau. Aku cair dengan kata2 manis kau, aku terima. 3 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sebab kau mau bersama tunang kau balik. Kata kau, susah untuk kau lupakan dia. Aku pergi dengan hati luka. 3 bulan kemudian, setelah kau ditipu & diperbodohnya, sekali lagi kau ingin bersama aku. Memandangkan aku tak punya siapa2 pada waktu tu, aku terima kau semula. Selepas 5 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sekali lagi lepas kita bergaduh teruk. Aku pergi lagi dengan hati luka & rasa bersalah. Tak sampai sebulan lepas tu, setelah kau berbuat salah dengan aku, kau ingin mohon maaf & mau sekali lagi peluang dengan aku. Fikirku kau mungkin sudah berubah, apa salahnya aku maafkan kau, aku bagi kau 1 lagi peluang. Sekarang, baru lepas 4 bulan kita bersama, kau mula berpaling dari aku. Kau mula tak endahkan aku. Dan aku mula rasa yang tak lama nanti kau akan hancurkan hati aku lagi.


Walaupun dah beratus2 kali kau hancurkan hati aku.

Selama kita bersama, aku berusaha tunaikan apa saja yang kau mau. Apa saja yang kau minta. Aku bersabar dengan kerenah kau, ego kau, baran kau, selfish kau, perangai tak boleh blah kau. Aku turut kata2 kau, aku buat apa yang kau suruh. Kau hancurkan hati aku bukan sekali, tapi berkali2. Aku maafkan kau, aku bagi kau peluang. Aku jadikan kau keutamaan aku. Aku tinggalkan kawan2 aku, aku tinggalkan life aku sebelum aku jumpa kau. 

Aku ingat lagi, masa kau sibuk minta maaf, minta peluang lagi sekali untuk bina hubungan yang kau dah hancurkan. Bila aku tak nak, kau kata apa? Aku sorang je GF kau yang sampai ke kampung kau. Aku ikut kau balik kampung tolong majlis pengebumian arwah mak kau. Cakap manis kau. Tapi sekarang? Apa pun kau tak ingat. Yang kau tau, kau mau jaga sangat kawan kau tu. Hormatkan dia.  Apa kau ada fikirkan aku? Ada? 


Apa kau ada hormatkan aku?


Orang sekeliling caci, maki aku sebab aku terima kau balik. Semua orang kata aku bodoh sebab aku masih nak bagi peluang kat kau walaupun dah kali kedua kau buat perangai. Tapi takpa, aku cuba bagi kau pelung.. mana tau kau dah berubah. Aku percaya sejahat2 manusia, masih tetap ada sikit kebaikan dalam diri dia. Tapi kau? walaupun dah berapa kali aku bagi peluang, kau masih sama, tak pernah berubah malah makin teruk jadinya hubungan yang kau kata nak baiki.
Nak improve konon. Bullshit!!


Kata kau, aku tak pedulikan rumah, tak kemas, tak masak, tak jaga rumah. Ada kau fikir kenapa aku tak buat semua tu? Adakah  terlintas di kepala kau yang aku kecewa, aku terluka dengan tindakan kau? Untuk apa aku jaga segalanya tentang kau, bila apa yang kau buat cuma layan aku macam tunggul? Sedangkan kau sibuk jagakan orang lain! Kata kau dia faham apa kau mau. Kata kau aku tak pernah faham dirimu. Katakan, bagaimana untuk aku fahami kau bila aku tak pernah dapat untuk gapai, untuk selami hati kau? Bila semua yang aku tanya kau biar berlalu macam tu ja? Segala kesalahan kau mau letakkan atas aku!

Aku mau tanya kau, apa lagi yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Kain baju kau aku jaga. Makan kau aku cuba jaga. Hati kau aku elak daripada luka. Aku jaga bahasa bila aku bercakap dengan kau. Aku jaga air muka kau, maruah kau. Apa lagi yang kau mau dari aku? Apa lagi yang tak cukup? Kau mau perempuan yang macam mana? Perempuan yang ikut semua kata kau? Apa aku tak buat semua tu? Hah? Cermin diri kau! Bagitau aku, jenis perempuan mana yang kau nak? Perempuan alim? Perempuan bijak? Perempuan bagai ibu?

Bagitau aku! 

Walaupun cuma setahun lebih hubungan kita, aku rasa sepertinya aku tlah menderita berpuluh2 tahun! Aku sakit, sakit sangat dengan perangai kau. Nyata, segala apa yang kau janjikan, segala apa yang kau kata semua dusta. Semua tipu helah belaka. Segalanya untuk kepentingan diri kau. Apa sebenarnya aku pada kau? Mana janji2 kau? Mana cinta & sayang kau? Mana? Aku mau tau, mana perginya cinta kau yang pernah kau canang2kan dulu?

Aku sedar, aku bukan sempurna. Aku bukan yang terbaik. Aku sedar aku sangat beremosi, malas, kuat tidur. Tak cukup untuk kau. Tapi aku berusaha untuk kau, aku kerja keras untuk puaskan hati kau. Dan aku juga mau ingatkan kau, kau juga jauh dari sempurna! Tak sehebat mana! Kau mau aku katakan dimana tak sempurnanya kau? Kau selekeh! Kau pemalas! Kau pembaran tak tentu pasal! Kau ego, fikirkan kau hebat sedangkan kau tak punya apa2! Itu kau! Tak perlu kau nafikan, aku ngerti semua pasal kau! Kau bagitau aku, apa permintaan aku yang kau tunaikan? Kamera tu jangan kau berani sebut, sebab kau beli itu untuk kau, bukan untuk aku. Canang kau saja belikan untuk aku. Sedangkan pintaku nyalakan sebatang rokok pun payah, apa saja yang kau buat untuk aku? Hah? Kau bagi 1 benda yang aku tak buat untuk kau? Kau cakap apa yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Semua aku buat, semua aku bagi kat kau! 


Takkan tak cukup lagi untuk kau?

Dalam masa aku sakit hati, aku luka sebab perangai kau yang tak pernah peduli nak bagitau apa kau buat supaya aku tak risau, supaya aku tak resah fikirkan diri kau, ada kau ingat mau datang pujuk hati aku? Ada kau buat apa2 untuk sejukkan hati aku? Tak, kau pergi bersayang dengan ex kau, kau sibuk pergi jaga kawan kau. Tak ada sikitpun kau peduli pada aku. Aku ni apa? Kau bagitau aku, siapa aku ni, yang duduk rumah kau, yang jaga kau, yang makan hati sebab kau! Siapa aku?! Katakan aku tak memahami apa sebenarnya antara kau & dia? Apa kau pernah buatkan supaya aku faham keadaan sebenar? Apa kau ada jujur dan terus terang tentang apa sebenarnya? Jangan kau kata aku tak memahami, bila setiap kali aku bertanya kau lari dari berkata jujur!!

Buatkan supaya aku faham! 

Aku mau tanya, aku tak jaga kau baik ke? Aku tak layan kau elok ke? Aku pergi menyundal dengan jantan lain ke, sampai tak peduli pada kau? Aku tak faham, apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk gembirakan hati kau? Apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk kau sedar yang kasih sayang tu bukan mainan? Kau ingat aku ni apa, anak patung? Yang boleh kau campak kesana kemari sesuka hati kau? Hah?!?!

Aku buat kau stress, aku buat kau kusut, ada kau pikir betapa aku kusut mengenang perangai kau? Apa kau ada peduli segala yang kau lakukan, buat aku menangis sendiri? Pernah kau mau kongsi apa masalah kau? Tak, kata kau aku takkan pernah boleh bantu kau. Kenapa? Hanya sebab aku perempuan, aku tak bekerja, aku tak mampu tolong kau? Bukak mata luas2, bantu bukan hanya dari segi duit, lelaki! Aku tau aku tak mampu beri kau duit, tapi aku tau aku mampu beri kau moral support! Tapi sayang, aku hanya tunggul dalam hatimu. Rendahnya aku pada pandangan matamu aku dapat rasakan sampai ke tulang. Tak pernah aku rasa sekelumit hormat pun dari dirimu untuk aku!

Aku dah penat! Aku lelah! Aku dah tak larat! Aku bosan dengan kau, perangai kau, sifat kau, sikap kau yang takkan pernah berubah. Wwalau bagaimana nasihatku, pujukku, kau takkan pernah mau berubah menjadi insan yang lebih baik! Aku dah puas berusaha, aku dah puas bersabar. Aku tak rasa aku mampu untuk bertahan lagi dengan kau. Lupakanlah semua memori kita, lupakan hajat arwah mak kau, lupakan yang aku pernah ada dalam hidup kau. Walau dalamnya cinta aku untuk kau, lupakan semua. Pergilah kau. Segala apa yang aku buat untuk kau, segala cinta yang aku bagi pada kau, semuanya sia2. Semuanya tak berguna. Kau tetap yang sama. Lupakanlah semua. Biar sampai sini saja perjalanan kita. Aku hilang kudrat untuk berusaha. Aku putus asa. 
Aku putus asa...

Let Me Down.

You already know, I can never accept it if you contact your ex. For what reason? Let me tell you.

One. She thought I stole you in the first place, when the real deal is that you left her because you wanted to be with me. Please don't deny it. What would she think when you go around texting her as if you guys are still together? That I can't really make you get over her? That she still has major influences on you? That you're trying to win her heart again when you're still attached to me? Please, I beg you please, be considerate.

Two. You did the same thing to me, when you told me you wanted to withdraw from our relationship before. I know, because you wanted to be with her, because you couldn't get over her. If you could only imagine how crushed I was back then. You don't have any idea. At this moment, I have every right to be cautious, or even paranoid.

Three. Whether you realise about it or not, contacting your ex when everybody thought I stole you from her, you'll just tarnish my name. And especially for her, in her eyes, she will see me as someone who fails to win your heart. Someone who fails to make you Love. Someone who is not powerful enough to make you forget her. You will let me down and I know, she may as well think of me as a loser.

Please, I know you've told me that it was nothing but looking at a larger view, I wouldn't know what your intentions are. Was it really nothing? Or was there something? Call me anything you want; paranoid, insecure, too much.. But for all I know, you've done this before and if you want to make it happen again, please let me walk far away from you so I won't really feel the pain.

And now, when I asked you on whether you want to keep the relationship going between us, I found that it's really difficult for you to give me even a simple answer. Please, do let me know if you have even the slightest intention to let this go. Don't leave this and me hanging around with questions without answers.

Please.

A Letter For You

If I've been bad, I apologise.
But let me tell you how I actually felt when we were in Ipoh.

Masa kat Pasar Pagi, you marah I kat public just because I tak gantung camera leash kat keher. I rasa sangat offended. Even you kata I degil etc., tapi I still buat apa yang you suruh. Then, masa I dok berpeluh2 panas+haus+penat mata betulkan casting machine you, I mintak you nyalalkan rokok sebatang pun, you tak nak tolong. I know, maybe you tak nak bagi I smoke depan Mami. Tapi I dah mintak izin Mami; dia bagi. In fact, dia sendiri suruh I smoke, jangan segan2 depan dia. I kecik hati, sebab apa yang you suruh I buat, I cuba fulfill every single thing, tapi bila I mintak you nyalakan sebatang rokok pun, you tak nak tolong..

Then masa I lapar, haus, tengok2 you tak tapau apa2 for my breakfast, bila you tau I tak makan, tak minum air setitik pun malam sebelumnya. Lagi I tambah kecik hati, terus potong apetite I nak makan masa tu. Because I know how you'd act if this was your situation. Even if you masakkan untuk I pun lepas tu, I terpaksa jamah sikit sebab lapar sangat. But my heart was still hurt.

And then I found out you contact you ex. Muk Muk? Sempat lagi you nak bermanja dengan your ex-gf sedangkan gf you kat sebelah tengah hurt gila pasal you and your actions. And I think just calling her name would be enough kalau you just nak say Hi. Tapi Muk Muk? Of course, I lagilah tambah sakit hati. Macam mana kalau I contact ex I masa you tengah hurt about me and my behaviour, panggil nama manja dia masa I dengan dia dulu?

Now your turn pulak nak play quiet. I tak tau if you just nak balas balik or you dah tak nak teruskan relation ni lagi. Kalau you rasa you dah tak nak relation ni, and that you think your ex is better, wayyy better, let me know if you're leaving so I won't in vain. But if you nak teruskan hubungan ni, a big tight hug and a sincere 'Sorry' dah cukup baik untuk I.

And please, stop contacting your ex if you want to be with me. You know I hate it, and you know that I takkan nak bermanja2 dengan my ex, under any conditions.

Like you said, we improvise.

Awak

Awak, lepas kita gaduh dengan aman hari tu, lepas awak marah saya, lepas saya lawan cakap awak, lepas saya nangis2, lepas awak grip lengan saya (& awak cakap awak tak nak buat saya GF je tapi awak nak buat saya isteri awak & saya sangat terharu), saya nampak awak berubah. Saya tengok awak dah tak kasar2 sangat dengan saya. Awak cakap baik2, elok2 dengan saya even lepas saya buat salah. Awak dah tak jerkah2 saya mcam dulu. Mula2 saya tak perasan, tapi lama2 baru saya nampak perubahan kat awak bila kita dah berapa lama tak gaduh. Saya tengok awak pun dah faham bila saya tak suka apa yang awak buat kat saya & awak apologise. Saya pun dah boleh keraskan hati saya sikit, tak emo sangat bila awak tegur saya, sebab saya tau kadang2 awak tak bermaksud pun nak berkasar dengan saya. Takpe, saya cuba faham situasi awak.

Terima kasih, awak. Dengan perubahan awak ni, saya rasa bahagia sangat, awak. Saya perasan, lepas malam tu, kita dah tak ada gaduh2 dah pasal benda2 kecik yang jadi. Saya tengok awak dah semakin tenang, kecuali masa awak bangun tidur. Hehe. Yang tu saya tak kisahlah, kadang2 saya pun moody bila baru bangun tidur.

Awak, saya harap kita dapat teruskan hubungan yang harmoni macam ni sampai bila2. Saya harap perubahan positif yang ada kat hubungan kita ni berkekalan. Saya bersyukur sangat, awak. Saya tau, awak banyak bersabar dengan perangai saya. Percayalah, saya pun banyak bersabar dengan kerenah awak. Tapi buat masa ni, walaupun tak keseluruhan, saya nampak perubahan dalam hubungan kita. Terima kasih sangat2 awak. Awak betul2 buat saya happy.

Awak sentiasa ada kat sebelah saya. Mana2 awak pergi, kalau saya nak ikut, awak bawak saya. Saya happy, awak. Walaupun kadang2 saya rasa awak macam dingin dengan saya, dan saya tau awak fikirkan masalah awak sangat, tapi saya tak kisah, asalkan awak ada dengan saya. kat sebelah saya. Saya tau awak selamat.

Terima kasih, awak. Saya betul2 hargai perubahan positif dalam diri awak, saya dan hubungan kita. Sekarang saya dapat rasa nikmat lepas setahun lebih saya bersabar. Terima kasih, awak. Terima kasih sangat2. Saya sayang awak.

Open Heart, Open Mind.

Saya bukan nak mengungkit, tapi ini yang saya rasa, dan saya tak boleh nak bagitau awak face-to-face sebab nanti awak melenting meletup sebab awak tak boleh terima. Saya dah tak boleh nak tahan lagi dengan perangai awak yang selalu lukakan hati saya. Hari2, saya jaga hati awak, saya elakkan daripada tinggi suara kat awak. Saya tak pernah maki awak. Saya cuba & cuba bersabar dengan kerenah awak, dengan baran awak, dengan mulut awak. Bila awak marah saya, awak tak cakap elok2, awak terus burst kat saya. Awak ada pernah tak, sekali pun terfikir yang hati saya selalu remuk sebab awak? Pernah tak? Pernah tak awak terfikir yang kata2 awak tu macam pisau, tajam sangat? Awak ada pernah terfikir tak? 

Bila saya selalu pesan kat awak supaya selalu bersabar dengan orang, beradab dengan orang, awak kata saya berlagak mulia. WTF?? Selama awak dengan saya, memang itu je ke yang awak nampak kat saya? Berlagak mulia? Awak, kalau saya berlagak je mulia, saya takkan bertahan dengan awak sampai setahun lebih. Saya dah tinggal awak, takpun cari lelaki lain awal2 lagi dah. Saya betul2 tak boleh terima bila awak cakap macam tu. Lagi satu bila awak cakap macam tu, saya faham lah, maknanya awak tak suka merendah diri. Awak tak nak mengalah. Awak nak semua orang hormat awak. 

Awak ego. Ego sangat2. Saya tanya awak, ego awak tu pernah bagi apa kelebihan kat awak? Dengan ego awak tu, awak dapat rumah besar ke? Dapat kereta besar ke? Awak bawak ego awak tu pergi kedai pajak, orang kedai tu nak ambik ke ego awak tu? Saya tanya awak, boleh ke ego awak tu bagi kebahagiaan kat awak? Saya dah cuba rendahkan ego awak, lembutkan hati awak supaya aawak jadi orang yang boleh bertoleransi. Tapi awak ingat saya nak buat awak tunduk kat saya. Awak ni bodoh ke apa? Tak reti nak tengok kelebihan rendahkan ego? Bukannya saya mintak awak buang semua ego awak tu. Saya nak awak rendahkan sikit je. 

Sebabnya? Awak tanyalah siapa pun, tak ada perempuan yang suka lelaki ego. Sesama lelaki pun menyampah. Sebab ego ni setan. Awak sendiri tau, berapa banyak rumahtangga hancur sebab ego. Takkan awak tak faham2 lagi? Ego awak yang awak sayang sangat tu sebenarnya tak ada guna sikit pun. Kalau kita kahwin, dengan perangai awak yang awak tak nak ubah tu, tak mustahil satu hari nanti kita bercerai sebab ego kesayangan awak tu.

Awak panas baran. Sangat! Sifat ni pun tak guna satu sen pun. Untuk apa awak nak simpan baran awak tu kalau awak sendiri pun tau yang fungsi baran tu satu je - menghancurkan. Awak tau sangat2 pasal ni. Tapi tak, awak nak jugak simpan baran awak tu. Saya pun tak tau kenapa. Sebab saya yang paling dekat dengan awak, sayalah yang selalu jadi tempat awak nak lepaskan baran awak tu. Takkan awak nak lepaskan kat kawan2 kesayangan awak pulak kan? Saya tau. Memang saya yang selalu dapat habuan tu. Tapi, awak ada terfikir tak, kalau baran saya sama level dengan baran awak? Awak ada fikir tak berapa banyak saya kena sabar dengan baran awak tu? 

Saya asyik nasihat, nasihat. Sampai saya sendiri pun dah tak larat nak nasihat awak supaya lose the temper! Awak macam tak faham bahasa melayu. Saya nak kena ukir kat otak awak tu ke, baru awak nak ingat? Dah berbuih mulut saya cakap, cakap dan cakap kat awak yang perangai baran awak tu tak bagi apa2 manfaat pun. Either kat awak, kat saya or kat mana2 hubungan. Boleh tak awak faham? Boleh tak awak jadi orang yang rasionalnya tinggi? Yang boleh kawal diri? Susah sangat ke nak buat? Sedangkan diri awak sendiri kot. Takkan diri awak nak kena orang lain yang kawal pulak?

Awak biadap. Panggillah apa pun; laser, mulut longkang, celupar, outspoken, blunt, rude.. Semua tu awak ada. Sebab awak buat semua tu. Mungkin awak tak perasan, tapi saya & orang2 kat sekeliling awak tau perangai awak tu. Tanyalah siapa pun, semua kawan2 awak cakap awak macam tu. Awak tak malu ke, orang cakap awak mulut celupar? Biadap? Awak tak rasa segan ke bila orang tengok awak macam tu? Saya malu. Saya malu bila orang datang kat saya kata BF saya mulut kurang ajar. Saya tak tau nak defend apa kat orang sebab memang awak macam tu. Awak rasa, dengan mulut awak tu, orang boleh hormat awak ke? Orang boleh pandang tinggi kat awak sebab mulut awak ke? Entah2 orang malas nak layan mulut awak tu, and orang dah tak kuasa nak tegur awak sebab awak memang tak makan nasihat. 

Pujuklah, nasihatlah macam mana pun, awak tetap dengan mulut celupar awak. Awak ada terfikir tak, kalau perangai awak ni turun kat anak awak, dia pulak marah awak, tengking awak, perli awak, kurang ajar dengan awak? Awak ada terfikir tak pasal tu? Saya rasa tak. Sebab awak bangga sangat dengan mulut awak tu, dengan celupar awak tu. Akal awak letak kat mana? Kat tapak kasut awak ke? 

Bila saya buat kat awak, pandai awak marah. kata saya kurang ajar la apa la. Tapi awak? Ada awak cermin diri awak tu, perangai macam mana? Kalau perangai awak tu elok sangat boleh la kalau awak nak marah saya. Tapi hakikatnya awak lagi teruk dari saya. Awak pernah kata, anak yang baik datang dari keluarga yang baik. Dari perangai awak, saya dah tau keluarga saya yang porak peranda lagi baik dari keluarga awak. Sebab saya tak tengking mak ayah saya macam mana awak buat kat mak bapak awak. Awak boleh sedar sikit tak, yang mulut lancang awak yang non-stop tu buat orang menyampah kat awak? Sesuka hati cakap orang tu bodoh, orang ni stupid, orang tu idiot.. 

Awak tu pandai sangat ke nak kata orang lain bodoh? Awak tau segala2nya ke nak kata orang lain tak pandai? Saya tanya awak, awak reti melukis ke? Awak tau bertukang ke? Awak reti menanam ke? Tak kan? So, sedarlah yang awak tak tau segala2nya. Ada bidang yang awak tak tau, melainkan awak belajar pasal bidang tu. 

Awak nak orang hormat awak, awak nak orang takut kat awak. Awak ingat awak tu siapa? Tuhan? Malaikat? Awak nobody, tau ke? NOBODY. Kalau kat ofis awak, orang  hormat awak sebab awak rajin, sebab awak senior.. Tak apa lah. Tapi kalau awak nak sampai semua orang untuk hormat awak, awak silap la. Bukan semua orang kerja satu ofis dengan awak, yang mana yang kerja kat situ rata2nya minah gedik, minah rempit, unggek2 je. Memanglah semua boleh hormat awak. Sebab diorang tengok awak berduit, sebab dengan kerja macam tu awak boleh pakai motor besar, kereta lagi.. Kan? 

Jujur saya cakap, awak tak ada apa2. Bila awak nak saya takut kat awak jugak, memang saya tak boleh terima. Sebab awak bukan siapa2 untuk saya. Lainlah kalau awak tu suami saya. Ada sebab jugaklah kalau awak nak saya takut kat awak, sebab syurga kat bawah tapak kaki awak. Tapi saya tak rasa saya patut takut kat awak. Sebab awak tak ada apa2. Sebab kalau setakat sebab badan awak besar, duit awak banyak (banyak ke?), baran awak tinggi saya kena takut kat awak, awak silaplah. Yang ada kat saya untuk awak cuma hormat. Saya hormat awak sebab awak banyak pengalaman, awak banyak pengetahuan. Tapi bukan sebab duit awak. Duit saya pun boleh cari. Mana2 pun boleh jumpa duit. Tapi saya takkan hormat seseorang sebab duit dia. Mengarut!

Ingatlah Tuhan bila awak nak orang takut kat awak. Sebab bila2 masa je Tuhan boleh buat awak hilang upaya untuk berdiri gagah depan mata orang. 

Awak selalu berlagak, menunjuk kat orang apa yang awak ada. Saya tak suka, sebab saya percaya kat sifat rendah diri. Awak ingat orang kisah sangat ke dengan apa yang awak ada? Orang tengok sekejap je orang suka, lepas tu bila orang dah tau apa yang awak ada, orang gunakan awak. Awak nampak tak kronologi tu? Saya dah lama perhati je perangai awak ni. Bila saya nasihat, awak kata saya bising, saya membebel. Yang sampai orang pecahkan bearing kereta awak tu? Tak gunakan awak namanya? Bila saya kata awak pendek akal, awak marah, tak boleh terima. Tapi itu hakikatnya. Awak tak nampak apa niat orang kat awak melalui perangai diorang. Awak nak saya buka cerita satu per satu ke pasal orang gunakan awak? Saya rasa awak sendiri tau pasal tu kot.

Awak sangat pentingkan diri. Sangat sangat sangat! Awak pentingkan masa awak, kawan2 awak, hartabenda awak, diri awak!  Ada awak peduli kebajikan orang lain, ayah awak contohnya. Dari awak kecik dia besarkan awak, sampaikan awak pun dah jadi lagi besar dari dia, ada awak peduli kesihatan dia? Tak, awak buat bodoh je. Saya faham, awak anak tunggal, dah biasa hidup sendiri. Tapi itu bukan alasan awak untuk pentingkan diri sendiri. Bila awak kahwin, kepentingan awak jadi nombor 2, keluarga, anak2 yang patut diutamakan. Ini tidak, awak kata awak nak kahwin dengan saya tapi awak buat saya macam mana? Awak lagi sayang material daripada orang yang selalu jaga awak! Semua benda saya kena buat. Semua benda saya kena mengalah. Awak nak menang je selalu. tak pentingkan diri ke namanya tu? Bukak mata awak tu sikit. Dengan perangai awak yang macam ni, tak taulah siapa yang boleh tahan dengan awak. Kawan2 awak pun tak tahan dengan awak tau tak?

Awak, kalau awak nak saya kurangkan emo saya, saya boleh buat. Saya akan buang emo saya tu. Syaratnya? Awak buang la ego & baran & celupar awak tu. Awak sendiri tau, kalau tak ada apa2 yang buat saya kecik hati kat awak, saya takkan nak emo2 & merajuk. Takkanlah saya nak merajuk tak tentu pasal dengan awak tanpa sebab. Saya boleh kurangkan emo saya, kalau awak tak marah2 saya, blunt dengan saya. Kan saya dah bagitau awak dari dulu lagi, saya sensitif sangat2. So, of course-lah saya emo kalau apa yang awak cakap kata saya tu lukakan hati saya. Kalau awak tak buat perangai, tak baran, tak ego, tak celupar, nak buat apa saya nak emo2 dengan awak? Betul tak?

Kalau awak baca entri ni, saya harap awak tak marah. Saya harap awak dapat buka hati, buka minda, lapangkan dada awak luas2 dan terima. Saya nak awak sedar, yang semua tu tak elok untuk awak, especially untuk masa depan awak. Ini kebenaran. Awak nafikan macam mana pun, semua orang tau yang inilah awak. Bukannya saya nafikan kebaikan awak, tak. Saya tau banyak kebaikan awak sebenarnya, tapi sebab ego awak tu, sebab selfish awak tu, sebab awak nak orang hormat awak, takut kat awak, segala kebaikan awak, awak simpan. Kalau saya jadi awak lah, saya keluarkan semua kebaikan saya supaya orang tak takut kat saya, tapi orang sayang & hormat kat saya. 

Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak tengok satu2nya lelaki yang saya sayang boleh jadi seorang lelaki budiman, yang disayangi di dunia dan jugak di akhirat nanti. Awak, kalaulah awak boleh berubah, hidup awak akan lagi tambah2 bahagia & orang2 kat sekeliling awak sayangkan awak, hormat awak. Bukan sebab harta, tapi sebab awak; diri awak. Kalau saya masih kat sebelah awak masa tu, saya lah partner yang paling bangga, paling bahagia, dan sayalah orang yang paling hormat awak.

Awak tau tak, kalau kita kahwin, nanti kalau saya masuk syurga tapi awak kena masuk neraka, Allah akan kahwinkan saya lagi sekali dengan pari2 lelaki yang ada kat syurga tau? Mana2 isteri pun macam tu. Awak nak masuk neraka ke? 

Awak, saya mintak maaf banyak2 kalau awak baca entri ni & awak sakit hati. Tapi ini je cara saya untuk luahkan apa yang saya rasa, apa yang saya nampak, apa yang saya tak puas hati. Dan ini lebih baik daripada saya cerita kat orang lain, & boleh jadi fitnah. Saya tau, awak pun tau, kalau saya cakap benda2 ni depan awak, saya takkan boleh habis sebab tak sampai separuh saya cakap awak akan potong & awak akan melenting2 marah. Sebab saya tau awak tak boleh terima. Saya sedih sangat bila awak buat macam tu. Seolah2 saya ni nobody untuk awak. Hina sangat ke saya kat mata awak? Sampai awak boleh buat sesuka hati awak kat saya? Kalau awak sayang, macam ni ke cara awak tunjukkan kasih sayang awak kat saya?

Awak belajarlah terima kebenaran, walaupun semua orang tau, kebenaran tu memang sangat2 menyakitkan. Belajarlah bersabar, merendah diri. Belajarlah mengaku kesilapan & maafkan kesilapan orang lain. Belajarlah handle kritikan dari orang lain. Belajarlah awak, masih belum terlambat untuk awak belajar sekarang. Jangan nanti bila dah nazak, nak mati baru awak nak belajar. Masa tu dah tak guna kalau awak nak menyesal ke apa ke. Sekarang ni lah awak, sementara masih ada lagi orang yang sayang kat awak, kawan2 ada kat sekeliling awak. Takkan lah bila dah tinggal sorang2 baru awak nak sedar? Masa tu orang dah tak nak kawan awak dah, orang dah tak nak sayang awak dah. Semua dah sibuk dengan hal masing2.
Berhenti sekejap. Fikir. Apa jenis masa depan yang awak nak. 

Again, saya mintak maaf kat awak sangat2 kalau awak baca entri ni. Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak buktikan, yang awak boleh jadi lelaki budiman kat orang2 kat luar sana yang selalu perlekehkan awak, kutuk2 awak. Buktikanlah awak, yang awak ni lelaki sejati, a true gentleman yang sempurna & boleh bahagiakan orang yang sayang kat awak. Saya tau awak boleh, sebab awak kuat. Awak mampu. Jadilah lelaki budiman, B. InsyaAllah, banyak faedahnya. 

If I Trouble You Too Much--

OK, here goes. Nak pergi pick you up @Sentral, tapi minyak habis kat tengah2 jalan. I pergi masuk Chow Kit, tapi tak sempat sampai kat Shell yang ada kat situ. So I walked to the station and beli minyak masuk tong. You called, and I taknak bagitau you yang minyak kereta habis and I tengah nak refuel balik. Sebabnya? I taknak susahkan you pergi balik belikan minyak etc. I tak tau yang you nak pergi Pertama Complex and that kedai yang you nak pergi tu tutup awal. The second time you called, you dah marah2 tanya pasal apa lambat etc. Bila I sampai Sentral, you masuk2 kereta je terus nak marah2 I. Kenapa I tak bagitau you awal2? Susah sangat ke nak bagitau kereta habis minyak?

Sebenarnya memanglah tak susah, cuma I just tak nak you kehulu kehilir sebab kecik je. Salah I, sebab I tak isi minyak semalam, even 10rm pun should be enough nak amik you & pergi Pertama. Tapi I nak save duit, that's why I tak nak withdraw duit dari bank. Duit yang ada tu I nak guna masa emergency dah tak ada duit sangat2 nanti, at least ada back-up. I tak boleh nak bagitau you yang I nak simpan duit tu, nanti you marah, kata I tak nak bantu you ke apa ke nanti.

I tak nak susahkan you tadi. Sebabnya? I dah susahkan you in terms of  money, so I tak nak susahkan you in terms of your energy. Tapi bila you kata I tak payah mintak duit makan, duit belanja kat you kalau betul I taknak susahkan you, I betul2 rasa macam I ni mintak sedekah kat you, even untuk isi minyak je. I tak mintak banyak pun, just duit untuk fuel je. Takkan itu pun too much? I bukannya mintak 100rm seminggu, untuk buat belanja. I mintak duit buat isi minyak je. Kalau nak diikutkan, seingat I, you kata I tak payah kerja, biar you je tanggung I. So this is you supporting me. Tapi kenapa you cakap macam tu? Seolah2 I bebankan you sangat2. I tak ada mintak pun duit untuk beli buku ke apa ke, let alone mintak duit untuk shopping. Sebab I tak nak susahkan you.

Salah ke kalau I selesaikan sendiri masalah, I just nak you tunggu je sampai I settle. Salah ke? Why didn't you tell me you were going to a place that closes at 8.30pm (wtf?) in the first place? I mengaku, salah I, sebab tak bagitau you awal2. Tapi if I'd known, of course I dah bagitau you awal2.

I'm sorry. Tapi kedai tu boleh pergi lagi esok lusa kan? Janganlah bitter sangat over a stupid shop with a stupid owner who closes at 8.30pm. OK? OK?

Retarded?

Sapa2 pun, bila dipanggil terencat akal, marah tak? Bila you sendiri orang kata retarded/terencat, you marah tak? I bet you do. Apatah lagi depan orang. Bila you sesuka hati kata I retarded, you ada terfikir tak, apa yang I rasa? I admit, I lurus bendul. I tak tau pasal banyak benda macam you. I tak peka macam you. Tapi one thing for sure, I ada hati, I tau apa rasa offended, I bukan patung batu yang tak rasa apa2, yang tak akan reply apa pun yang you buat..

I manusia, dan hati I tak sekuat mana nak handle mulut blunt you. I tau, you tau yang I sangat sensitif. Tapi kali ni, you're the one who's not alert about what I feel. I bukan kawan you, yang you boleh main2, yang you boleh nak perlecehkan sesuka hati you. I someone yang sayang you. I someone yang you kata you nak nikah. Tapi, macam ni ke you layan isteri you? Sama macam kawan2 you? Kalau macam tu, masudnya I tak ada apa2 makna untuk you. I bukan orang yang you nak nikah. Bukan.

Sebab sepatutnya, if you love someone, you would never hurt them, you would never want to make them cry, you would never want to insult/humiliate them. If you love someone, you'd want to take a really good care of them, you'd make them smile/laugh all the time. You'd be there when they need you.

Macam mana dengan you? I tak tau apa makna sayang untuk you. How do you define love. Sebab apa yang I rasa sekarang bukan sayang, tapi penghinaan.

Apa you rasa kalau I panggil you retard depan2 Nabila/Long/Pa? Marah tak? I bet you will. Silap2 you mengamuk. Tapi you sesuka hati panggil I retard depan2 Ijam, you have no idea betapa I malu depan Ijam. And Ijam yang kawan yang I tak tahu hati budi pun boleh tunjukkan kat I baik2 what should I do. Tapi you? I malu kat Ijam - 1. sebab you boleh kata I terencat akal depan dia, 2. sebab BF I dah sangat terbiasa dengan mulut kurang ajar dia sampai GF sendiri pun dia boleh kata terencat akal.

I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dari I, yang boleh buatkan you hargai I macam mana sepatutnya seorang lelaki menghargai wanita. Mungkin sebab you dah biasa sangat jadi jantan, that I can't change you jadi lelaki balik. I'm sorry, but that's just what I feel.

Kalau macam ni cara you layan I, and kalau cara ni takkan berubah, I rasa sepanjang hidup I dengan you I akan menangis menangis menangis.. sebab perangai you, mulut you. Tak boleh ke kurangkan biadab, tambahkan adab dalam diri you? Bukannya I mintak you alihkan gunung untuk I.. I cuma mintak you jadi seorang lelaki budiman. Sebabnya? Bukan untuk I, sebabnya, bila kita manusia ada anak, apa yang kita buat 10x anak akan buat.. I tak nak kalau kita ada anak, anak kita 10x kurang ajar dari you. I tak nak. Sebab tu I suruh you berubah kalau you  nak kahwin dengan I..Bukan I suruh you berubah suka2 untuk kepentingan diri I.. Tolonglah faham..

Jadilah lelaki budiman sayang, ramai yang akan sayang you.. Tolonglah..

Despicable!

Hate is a strong word. But God, I really, really don't like your guts! Just because you're close to him at work, it doesn't mean you can go around and act as if you're his girlfriend! Or perhaps, he's so nice to you that you think he might give just about everything u ask for! Damn!

How would you feel if some other girl do that to your man?

Fine, call me a paranoid, but maybe it's just me; I don't like girls who behave like you. As if you don't have any self-pride. Don't you feel any shame doing that to another man, where you are already attached to someone? Oh, that is so not me. And I can't deal with people behaving like that. Just, not possible. If only I could just banish you off...

A Tale of Tears

You're angry. But did you ever give it a thought about it when you yelled at me across the EPF office hall? Did it ever occurred to you how would I feel when you said you can't afford to live with me and that you don't want to live with me? Can you imagine how much it hurts when the person you Love most say those words to you? You wanted to annoy me with Nia? Well, congratulations. You did.

Just yesterday you said you Love me. I asked you, how much? And you answered so much. Today you said you don't want to live with me. Why, because of my emotions. But for me, I suppose it is better for me to be quiet and stay quiet while I'm upset rather than yelling around. Don't you think?

I'm tired. I'm tired of you walking out on me, I'm tired of crying over small, small matters, I'm tired of being blamed almost every time, I'm tired of being yelled at, all I want is to be happy. Make one mistake after another and then fix them, enjoy life while I still can walk and speak and see you. Because I'll never know when I'm going to fall sick, be blinded or break my legs.

I thought all the Love that I have given you through these many days was enough. But apparently it's not. Apparently you want more.

You. Should I?

You apologised. You wanted another chance. You realised that you were wrong. You want to make it up to me, improve our relationship and be happy together. What were you thinking when you broke this up and destroyed me?

I still remember, it was November 9th, I went to your office parking lot at the basement and waited for you from 10pm to 2am, just to ask for another chance to patch things up between us. 4 hours of waiting, hurting and hoping that you might think twice about our relationship. But all I got was ultimate disappointment and humiliation. Yes, I know I've insulted you pretty bad when I threw all your stuff outside the house. And I've explained it to you why. Why, what made me do that, because for all you know, I would never do such things to you.

But you said you would rather die alone than live your life with me. Can you imagine how those words slammed my heart? Everything that I had hope, all the things we built together was ruined, destroyed in a split second after you said that. And what made it worse is that you told me you were living a happier life without any commitment and me. In one week, you told me, you didn't have anybody to control your movements and whereabouts you were going. Well, let me tell you something. Within that one week where you were living happily, I was stuck at home, crying and crying, and hoping that you would come back. Sending you messages and cards and even flowers to make you come home. But you did not. You never did.

And, did you ever thought of me after that November 9th? Did you ever miss me along the 3 weeks after you dumped me, for the second time? I didn't stop thinking of you. Everywhere I went, everything I saw and felt, every song I heard, it all reminded me of you. Especially Ruby. Driving that car made me miss you so much, I wanted to run to you and tell you how much I love and care for you, and how I wanted to relive our relationship so we can be happy again. I just wonder, did I ever cross your mind, even for a second? Did you ever want to call me and say you missed me? I wonder.

And then came 2nd December. Thursday, I was drunk and I wanted you so much. I called you, I said I hate you repeatedly. I did, I did hate you, because you, instead of giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes, you walked away. You left me hanging, and then you crushed me to ground when you end it. I was satisfied for hurting you. But you came. You came and God knows, how I wanted to hold you and say I'm sorry for everything. But you hit me, humiliated me again in front of our friends. You left us and with me nothing at 4am in the morning. Don't be mad at Wani, she just had to to what she needed to do. Or I would never get home that night. None of of us would.

But after that you started calling and calling me, from Saturday night. Until yesterday, insisting that you want to see me. For whatever reasons, I don't know. But I was sure I didn't want to meet you. I was hurt so badly after what you did that I never wanted to see you again. I even prayed to God to put you away from me if we're not meant for each other. But you kept on coming. You never stopped coming. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what are God's plans for us. You came to me asking for forgiveness and telling me how sorry you were after that night. And that you realised how you still loved me after you found out you broke into anger knowing I was taking alcohol. What? Where was your conscience when I was begging at you for another chance? Where was your heart when you said you love me, but you can't keep our relationship? And the part where you were willing to give any amount of money, long as I walk away from you? What happened to you? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? See me cry for you?

I don't know what you feel, but somewhere in me is saying that you might be lying to me. I know, everyone knows that you are an excellent liar. How you lied to me pretty much about everything that I needed to know and that you preferred it to be that way because you just couldn't tell me the truth. For all I know, I have told you about everything I need in a relationship. And the most important is that I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how painful it is. But you couldn't, you just couldn't.. Why is it so difficult for you to tell me, tell everybody the truth?

I can't stop thinking - why should I give you another chance? Will we be happier if we get back together? Will you prove yourself to me, according to what you've said that night? Will I not be hurt by you again? Will I not be crying alone in my room because of what you do and say, again? Can we live a happy life together and live by God's rules? Happily? Can you stand my mood swings which can burst at any time for the rest of your life? Will you stay faithful to me in say, 30 years? I have so much to lose in this. And I'm so afraid if I let you have this opportunity, you will break me again. I want to forgive you. I want to let you fix what you've done. I want to try again and make it work. But I'm afraid. I am so afraid, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt you, I can't. But I'm afraid you will. My brain says I gotta be selfish in this. But my heart says you should be given another chance. I don't know which to follow. You can say anything, but if this doesn't work out, I will be the one who cries every night in her room until you fade.

Things That I Hate About You

You. I never fancied you in the first place. Just so you know, here are the things that I don't like about you.

1. I hate your long hair. It makes you look messy and you look miserable.

2. I never liked your eyes. Maybe it takes time for me to get used to it.

3. I hate your huge ego. It suffocates me. If ego was a person, I'd kill it long time ago.

4. I hate it when you snore. I can't sleep with you snoring loudly next to me. I need more than a half hour to sleep hearing your snores.

5. I hate the way you wear your pants. It's so low, everybody can see you ass. They don't even have to peek. At least, you could wear high-waist undies to cover it, but you didn't. It's gross. Like, so ew.

6. I hate it when you were always controlling my movement, I can't even go out anywhere to meet friends. I ain't your pet, I was your partner..

7. I hate it when I asked you about something, you lied to me, even though you were just playing around. I didn't like it. Just tell me the truth. End of story.

8. I hate it when you escaped our fights, instead of sitting down with me and solve it.

9. I hate it when you kept on provoking me even after I gave in to our fights.

10. I hate your guts when you never wanted to admit your mistakes and kept on blaming me on small2 matters that occur. It made both of us look childish with you blaming and me defending myself.

11. I hate your shoes. It's yellow, for God's sakes. Ew.

12. I hate it when you wanted to spend a lot of money when it's time for you to save.

13. I hate your credit cards sooo fucking much!

14. I hate it that I still can't forget Farah when I look at you, cos I know she was your best (as you told me).

15. I hate you, because you love to make me do things I don't like. Allll the time. Remember the satay scene?

16. I hate your temper. You're always get angry even over little mistakes I make.

17. I hate your exaggerated words when you talk. Be humble-lah.

18. I hate it that you are far from The Almighty. I know I'm not a good servant, but hey, you're a man. You should know more than I do.

19. I don't like the way you smoke. Looks sissy. Haha!

20. I hate it when you use violence on me. Come on, I'm only half your size!

21. I hate it when you sweet-talk me. Like I don't know men!

22. I hate it when you never called after we fight and then act as if nothing happened later. Hate it.

What else? Hm. I can't figure out yet. But I will add them sooner or later. But those flaws, those things that I hate can't match your advantages and little things that I like about you. Let me tell you what I like about you.

1. I actually like your curly hair. You'll look super sexy with out-of-bed hairdo.

2. I like your fingers. They're weird. Don't ask me why I like them.

3. I like your nose, because when you kiss me, it's stuck on my cheek. And it's sharp. Hihi.

4. I like you feet. I don't even know why. Maybe because of your long toes.

5. I love it when you come and hug me tenderly. It makes me feel safe.

6. I like it when you always look after me, protect me.

7. After some of our fights, when you give in, you made me feel like a princess. You really made me feel happy.

8. I like it when you always give your hand so I can hold them. Shows that you really care about me.

9. Though not much, I love your attention and patience for me. You look so mature with them.

10. I just love the way you love me. Minus the temper and violence.

I guess that'd be all. I apologise in advance if you feel offended reading this. But this is just how i feel. And you know I'm not that good at lying. All I'm saying is no matter how flawed, how bad, how mean you are or anybody, when I love, I don't just love the good things about you. I take everything you have to offer. And I choose to look only on your good side because them bad things about you are not important as long as I know I love you. Or anybody. For me, that is unconditional love. No requirements. No qualifications. Just love.

I dengan You

I tak nak menangis lagi sebab lelaki..
I cannot deal with your temper.
Maybe, cara you cintakan someone tak sama dengan cara I..
I rasa kita terlalu berbeza--

I tak boleh tahan dengan perangai you, yang selalu lukakan hati I..
It seems like you never care about how I feel..
I tried to talk n communicate with you, but somehow most of them end up in vain..

I tak tau, maybe ini dugaan Allah untuk kita sebelum berumahtangga.. Tapi at the same time, with your attitude and treatment towards me, I mula rasa tak selesa, when I have too much doubts in me about you and how are you going to be after we get married.

Will you stay the same - loving me tenderly and never fail to make me laugh? Will you not look at other woman and make them your wedded? Will you wipe my tears whenever I'm in sorrow and in need of your presence to calm me down in your arms? Will you be honest to me no matter how bad and hurtful a matter can be? Will you stay ahead as the family leader and guide our family to the right path?

I tak tahu, I tak yakin, I serba salah.. Kepala I kusut, bercelaru fikirkan tentang ni. Perkara yang paling I mintak supaya tak akan terjadi is that you berhenti menyayangi I and me too, stop loving you. Everytime I look at you when you are asleep, I sedar yang every inch of me is filled with love for you. I tak tahu you, tapi I harap the situation is the same.

I spend half of my night thinking about you - what you do, what you think, where you are, are you awake or asleep... and all sorts of worries come into my mind whenever you play M.I.A with me. For crying out loud, I hate it. Please stop doing it.

I tak nak kecewa lagi, I tak nak sedih tiap2 malam lagi.. I harap you faham keadaan I, for I have had enough of loving and losing, and the hardest part is that I have to go through the trails of memories and that they remind me of yet another failure.

I leave all to the Almighty.
As for you, you are well aware of the things that I want from you - honesty and your heart. No more.

Bad One

I called you yesterday, almost a hundred times and you never picked up. When I got home, you were lying there doing nothing and your phone was just next to you! Can you imagine how I feel? Then rupa2nya you were mad at me for not taking off the waterpipe that the people from water department completely shut down out water supply. You sangat marah that you tak nak pandang muka I pun..

When It's All About ...

Tak boleh kalau tak burukkan dia..


Wtf?? Awak nak bela lagi dia? Tak boleh blah! Awak pun tahu, dah memang perangai dia buruk, cerita2 buruk je la yang awak dengar pasal dia! Awak nak bela dia sangat, sayang dia sangat, awak pergilah kat dia! Pergilah tatang dia! Saya dah naik muak dengan perangai awak yang selalu nak membela dia. Saya bukannya tipu awak, reka cerita pasal dia sebab nak buat awak bencikan dia, saya cuma bagitau awak apa yang saya dengar, saya bagitau awak apa yang betul. Salah ke saya cakap benda yang betul? Seriously, saya tak ada niat apa pun!

Saya rasa apa yang saya dengar dengan apa yang awak dengar lebih kurang je, tentang dia, apa yang dia buat, macam mana perangai dia, life dia macam mana. Come on lah, dia kawan baik saya kot dulu! Segala rahsia dia semua saya tau lah! All her little black secrets! Awak tu yang buta! Sebab tu awak macam tak dapat nak terima, walaupun segala apa yang awak dengar tu benda yang betul! Saya rasa awak sendiri pun tau macam mana perangai dia.

Tapi, the point is here, saya bagitau awak the truth! Saya tak reka cerita! Kalau awak tak boleh terima, then just go back and bear with her! Biar awak sendiri rasa! Saya malas nak kisah! Saya dah bagi awak segala yang saya mampu bagi kat awak, takkan itu tak cukup untuk awak? Masih lagi nak simpan dia, kononnya kenangan lah, apa lah. Awak ingat dia ada fikir nak simpan semua kenangan masa dia dengan awak? I don't think so! Dia sibuk dengan boyfriend baru dia, awak sibuk nak simpan kenangan awak masa awak dengan dia. Kenangan, my foot!!

Permintaan saya sikit je awak, itupun awak cakap saya melampau, selfish! Apa ni? Saya kecik hati tak habis2 bila saya tengok gambar masa zaman2 awak happy dengan dia yang awak simpan sampai sekarang, awak tak ada amik peduli pun! Saya tak suka! Kalau ya pun awak nak simpan, simpan la kat tempat lain, tak payah la letak depan mata saya. Awak sendiri tau hati saya macam mana..

Hollow

When we talked last night, I got a feeling that you will never love me like you loved her. Don't even start with me asking for you to love me more than you loved her. When you tripped over this issue, I somehow feel that she'll always be there, over me. What the hell?

I guess I'm being too gentle with you, that somehow, I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

In case you don't know about it, yes, I went through your status threads, your photo albums in your facebook account, and I've seen those pictures of her on the PC as well as your phone. You still call her baby in your contact! (forgive me, but I am very detail). And it breaks my heart knowing that you still keep her in you. I understand, it's not easy for you to let her go. But if so, what am I doing here? Shouldn't you be forgetting her first then be with me, rather than be with me while forgetting her? That's not fair! When I had you before, I let them go. All my previous partners, I buried them! But you, I don't know, something inside tells me that you still think of her, all about her. No matter what you tell me, I know. I just know.

You don't have to justify the situation and give me reasons why you would never take her back. You can give me millions of reasons, but deep inside, I know you're missing her. How much? That I don't know. I can just hope that you don't do that while you're with me. Gee, if only I can break this curse, I don't have to live like this! Living in guilt and knowing it's eating me day by day.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm the one who isn't over the issue. But tell me, how the hell am I supposed to get over it when I can find her at everywhere? Online, in your phone, even in our room! She is everywhere in our life, in my life! With you! Now, can you imagine just how I feel every time I bump into her stuff? I'm crashed! My heart sinks, my mood spoiled, and the feelings just fly away! And I will have to pretend that I'm OK when you're home, while I actually am hurting inside!

Can you even imagine how I feel when yesterday, I found her stuff in our room? And when it never fails to break me when My baby Muk is still in your phone? She'll always be your baby! Me? A company only, for you, perhaps. (I don't mean to be harsh, but this is just what I feel!)  Because I know I will never be one. Do you deeply love me? Seriously, I can't tell. Do you?

I know, what I'm asking from you is a little too much. Just putting our names together on Facebook is huge, I understand. And all the things you do to prove how much you love me - how you treat me and so on, I can feel that you love me. But something is missing here, I don't know what. I've been searching for the hole, but I can't seem to find it. Though I do love you, but somehow, at the same time, I feel so hollow. So empty. And it's killing me! I don't want to lie, I don't want to hurt you. But this glitch is eating me little by little. And I don't know how to get over it.

Perhaps you're right, I'm the one who hasn't gotten over the past. Why? Because of the fact that I got together with my best friend's ex! That's why! Nobody would ever do that! And if I haven't get over the past, and her, what am I supposed to do? I don't know, what should I do? I tried before, and when i almost succeeded, comes her picture that reminds me how happy you were with her and I ruined all of it! Every finger points at me! I can ignore the thoughts, but until when? Sooner or later I will have to face my demons, get it all done and make it clear! I don't want to live in shadows of guilt for the rest of my life, I want a true peace of mind. And I'm struggling to have one!

Yes, I know you feel that I'm asking too much from you, but who else can I turn to, in this issue, if not you? There was a time when I can't stop thinking of her every time I look at you, and how I wanted for both of you to get together again. But I realise that it will never happen. Why do I want you to be with her again? Because I know you guys love each other! I'm just the third party. I can't believe I'll fall into this trouble when this is what I avoided all my life before I met her and you guys. At some point, I feel like I want to make everything right, although I know it's too late for that. And I can't arrange someone else's life. I know that.

But I still feel guilty!

I think the day you have only me in you and the very day you really forget her is the day I'm waiting for. That day, I guess I'll be satisfied having you by my side. Till then, there is a hole, and it will remain there.

And by the way, I do, love you.

WTF??

Can I name our daughter after Farah? That question stunned me. Aku terkedu. Kenapa? Kenapa mesti ada jugak Farah? Aku ingat dia dah betul2 get over her. Tapi soalan dia buat aku rasa yang dia tak akan lupakan ex dia. Bila dia kata macam tu, aku terfikir yang aku takkan dapat tempat dalam hati dia and I was like, excuse me! Don't I deserve a little dignity here? A little respect please! Bersusah payah aku tatang dia, Farah jugak yang dia nak. I think I have every right to be selfish here!

Nak sangat kat Farah? Ha, pergilah! Ada aku kesah?? Fuck it!

Banyak lagi lelaki kat luar sana yang boleh jaga aku lebih baik dari dia. Silaplah kalau dia fikir aku dia boleh buat sesuka hati macam dulu. Aku bukan barang mainan yang dia boleh simpan buang. Bila teringat, ambik. Bila tak nak, lempar jauh2. Ingat aku tak ada harga diri ke?

Bencilah!

Weaving A Tangled Web

It ended on Mar 8th, and I kept it in my head that I wanted to be alone after that.

And now, I'm not sure whether it's certain or not, we're back together. He starts treating me nice, calling me the name he used to call me with (I think he knows I always love that name. hihi), and he seems to care about me. I know, he does that because he's lonely after she refused him and that I'm around. And I was there when he needs somebody. He starts talking about future again, caress me again, being sweet to me again, and making me feel what I felt 4 months ago (argh!).

But I can't possibly feel the same. Nah, I don't think so.

I'm torn between two; staying or leaving. The past haunts me (every day), and I'm afraid. I don't want it to be the same, it only lasted for a while and the rest is fucked up. I can't really tell whether he does really love me or I'm just a shoulder to cry on, and when the sorrow is over, he stands up to find another woman And I'll beat the crap outta him!). I can't risk my heart to be broken again when he had already broken it so badly before. The reason I stayed and mend him while he's hurt is that I do really care about him (yes, I know he wasn't nice to me before). Though we weren't together, and I didn't plan to get back together, I'll help him to get what he needs and get him back onto his feet.Call me dumb, but that's just what I'll do if he needs it. Even if I know that the chances for me to have his heart wholly is very thin.
But if he says he wants to get back together with me, he better prove himself to me. Don't make me feel like he loves me when he genuinely doesn't (then I will seriously look like a dumb ass).

Why?

Because I've had enough of his lies. He lied to me before (and I didn't like it). In fact, I hated it. Because what I had for him was genuine and honest, but he tore it apart.

What am I doing? Staying with him and making him happy when I don't understand how I feel myself? Am I taking chances? Do I really want to take this risk? Honestly, no. But I can't help it. When I look at him, I just couldn't help it. And yes, the old flame is still there, though not fiery as before, I guess it's enough. He needs someone to soothe him, and though I'm not the one, I try my best to lift him up to the way he was. I don't know, but when I said I don't feel the same to him,I think I hurt him. Or maybe he doesn't give a damn about it. But as for me, I know I'm giving him a second chance. But I don't give him all of me because I know I'm not the one he wants in his heart in the first place.That insecurity still lingers. I don't really know why, perhaps because I'm not pretty enough for him, as she is pretty. And that I'm just another ordinary girl, nothing next to stylish and confident her. She dresses well, always with a pair of nice clothes on her. She carries herself well, and always a centre of attraction. Me? I'm just a plain Jane.


I don't know. Perhaps.

I know he longs for her. If ever he gets her, I will never be in his mind. Assumption? I guess I know so ( I do! she will always be the one!). And his behavior of trying out every chick he can lay his eyes on and getting them (yes, you do Darling). That two things stop me. Every time I look at him, she comes into my head, and how he betrayed he for me and then  made me feel like a schmuck for getting back to her after only three months! Three months! I guess that thought has planted in my brain - that I can never be the one. In case she wants him back, it's a definite certainty he'll be with her. Definitely! I'm just a second choice. In a cruel phrase, a back-up. A Plan-B. A whatever-you-wanna-call-it as long as it's number two.

Because whatever that he's told me before and how cruel he was to me, I still keep it in my mind (yes, I forgive, but I don't forget). How he treated me wrong and so forth. I'm not holding grudge, but I'm just being cautious. It's not easy to take him back when I'm scared of the possibility he will get back to his Playboy style when he's done grieving for losing her. And there might be texts i don't like to read when I found out, and another girl calling me telling stories I don't want to hear. And me? What's left for me? Nothing. Just crying and living my life in disappointment and agony. That's how the story ends.

What's more in the picture? The matter of trust. How can I ever trust him again when he had betrayed me before? Whatever that's around are pieces of it (and I don't want to betrayed twice!). No solid trust for him. All the things that I did to him before, those things that did to prove to him of how much I loved him and how much I cared for him, and how much I wanted to make him happy. But he unfortunately, didn't see that. Unless he can prove to me that he can be faithful, I can't stay with him. Even if I can, it won't be long.

And then comes issue of religion. Me, I want to be a good Muslim, and fulfill my responsibilities as one (poyo je). Though not now, perhaps later on when I have already got a strong ground and knowledge. But him? I don't know. Doesn't he want to be a good Muslim? Later on, I want to get married to someone I love, someone who can guide me to the straight path and together with my spouse, I really want to lead a life with God on the line. Though now I can't call myself a real Muslim, I want to be one. And if God wills it, I want him to be one too, so that if we get together, we'll enjoy living under God's bliss. How great will it be if both of us can live lives according to our religion. But when it comes to this matter, he always disappoints me.

Just like the things I told him on our break-up night, I don't ask for anything. I just want his heart and that he can be transparent-honest to me. I don't like secrets and bad surprises. The rest, we work it out together.

<3 If you ever read this, that's just how I feel. I'm sorry if you feel offended but I don't have the strength to spill all this to you directly.

Untuk Kamu

Kamu.
Satu ketika tak pernah ingin
Bukan di damba sang hati
Tak tumpah kasih secangkir;
Bukan kamu.

Tapi cerita singkat berlalu
Dari jauh menyapa syahdu
Minggir tepi aku tak mau
Bimbang ada jiwa disembilu

Pejam mata erat
Agar bisa hati melihat
Bukan rupa jadi pengikat
Dasar kalbu yang memikat

Belum sempa tmenerpa angkasa
Kilat hujung belati menjerumus
Bagai pedang menghiris halus
Menghancur luluh itu kamu.

Left, Abandoned, and All the Things Related.

Last night,
You held me tight and you said you really love me. You said you're going to be sleeping alone in our room and you find the room creepy without me. You said you're going to miss me, my hugs, my scent, my presence. You said you can't give our relation another try because you still have your old flame in your heart that you can't seem to forget. You said I was pushy, I nag at you, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm egoistic. You said, although you do love me, you still want to withdraw from giving us another try to work on this relation.

When I asked you, am I not good enough for you, am I not better than her? You said I am way better than her. But when I asked why do you still want to leave, you said you can't go on with me anymore. When I asked you, why did you think I agreed to be with you? You came before me and held my hands, weave them together with yours, looked at my face and wondered. You did ask why - and I said, I want to make you happy. You were too busy making other people happy that you forget your own happiness. I was around just to make you happy as others don't. You looked at me, with surprised look and you kissed my hand saying thank you for the things that I did.

When I told you about her, what she did to you and what I did to you, I think I know that you know I did better. You know, she was not a good partner for you. But still, you want to return to her. For whatever reason, I don't know.

When I asked you, what did I demand from you? Do I ask for your money? You said no. Then you asked me, what do I want from you? Simple, I just wanted you to be honest with me. But you can't do that.

Last night, it was 8th, our third month anniversary. But on our third month anniversary, you end it and put the deepest hole in my heart. You said you feel like we've been together for so long when it was just three months. I wanted to bring you to the bridge where we shared our first kiss, but on that day you made me feel like a cheap whore.

You said, what you did that day and all the mean things you did to me - you didn't really mean those. You did that because you want to make me hate you. I looked at you, and I said; I never hated any of my exes. And that goes to you too. You just looked at me, speechless. I can never hate you. I know that. I can just put aside my feelings towards you until it eventually fade away. No matter what you do, I'm never going to hate you, in any way.

When we had had our last hand shake and you kissed me, the spark was still there, and I told you, every time you hold me in your arms, I always had that same spark - every single time. We kissed, and I know how much you long to be in my arms. But your ego wins over everything. I cried, even I know it makes me look weak. I want you to know that you are the only person I have in my heart. I told you, I took the risks of losing you when we were an item. I was well aware of the risks but boy, did I ignore it. I tried everything I could to make you happy, to make our relation work. I told you, I've had enough of relationships.

I wanted you to be the last, I don't want any other relationship anymore. I'm sick of trying and trying to work on fresh relationships. I just want to end up with you. I give every effort to please you, to make you comfortable, to ensure that you are happy being with me, but along the tears that are running down my cheeks I said to you; I still lost you. No matter how I tried, I strive, I still lose you. Upon hearing that, you pulled me close to your chest and tried to soothe me. I felt loved, but I know it's empty. Because I know, you were just trying to soothe me and there's nothing more.

You once said, I have my own card that you named me after. And you said no star can shine with a broken heart. You said too, that no matter how mean and bad I was, I still tickle your heart and make you laugh.

I said, if there is still love in us, why can't we give it another try? When I said I'm willing to do anything, I meant it. I will do anything to save this relation from falling apart. Then you said you need some space to think about it over. I told you I can understand that but last night, I can't let you go. I want to be with you, even in the car and it was dawning. I wanted to spend every second I have just to be with you, in your arms and make you smile.

But I realize now, that you are just a phase in my life. You are just another bus that I missed on my journey to happiness.