You can always be a better person.
If you want to be.
Ingat, lelaki.
Tangan yang kuat, kau guna untuk belai.
Bukan pukul.
Badan yang sasa, depang untuk kau lindung.
Bukan tindas.
Actng Mets
- missnoperfect
- KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
- This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Aku Ngerti Rasamu. Maafkan Aku.
Aku tau kau marahkan perbuatanku.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Aku Faham
Bila aku mau kau buat pilihan, kau pilih dia.
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Biar Aku Sendiri
Kau marah, aku tinggalkan kau. Kau tau KENAPA aku tinggalkan kau? Kau ada fikir?
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life Goes On
When I saw you the other day, I couldn't help it. I felt a huge rush of blood running to my face. My hands trembled uncontrollably. My temperature rose, and I felt like as if my heart was about to explode. I couldn't walk straight, and I looked down so I don't get hurt by seeing you. I felt my whole body vibrate, because I know I'm longing for your touch. Your big hug.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I Tried. I Failed.
I once told you, I don't just want to live with you. I want to go to the Paradise with you.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Invizibel Line
8.25am., KL Sentral. I sit next to a white man, and I ask him, is it OK if I smoke? He said doesn't mind. We talked about general stuff, and suddenly I remembered what you told me when we started getting close back then.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
If You...
If you only knew, whatever that I've scolded you before was my effort to make you better.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Me, or Her?
After all that we've been through together, after everything that we've done and shared together, you put a friend whom you knew for a few months over me?
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Time Bomb
Since I never really did confront you on this matter, if you read this, please read it through. This is my confrontation, and so are the previous two entries.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hung-over
There. I've put the rings we bought right there. I never meant to hurt you, but I've been hurt so many times by you. I'm no superwoman, but I have got to be strong this time, to make you realise that a relationship is never one-sided. I never thought that it will cost our relationship just to show you that.
It's never easy for me, to leave you after all that we've been through together. But if this is for the best, I have to give in. You once said girlfriends are your last priority. Friends come first. So I guess it doesn't matter for you if I'm not around.
Go. Go somewhere far from me, that I can't find you no matter how hard I try. Because it's easier for me to let you go if I don't see the one I love.
Yes, I do love you. You are the only man that I've give all my heart to. I can never love another the way that I love you. I don't even know how. But the love that I've given to you backfires me. It kills me. And for you, though I really love you with every drop of my blood, I can't go on. Not in this kind of relationship.
I've given you so many chances, I've forgiven you a million times. But you never changed. I tried to make you a better person, a gentleman. But I never succeeded. I can't. I was the one who changed for you, according to you wants, your needs. But you never bothered.
Ask yourself - do I really treat you so badly, that you turn to your friend? Have I ever scold you? Have I ever yell at you? Have I ever curse at you? Have I ever hurt you so badly, that you give up on me? Tell me.
You once told me that your ex didn't behave like a future wife. Ask yourself - do you behave like a future husband? Are you ready to carry the heavy burden of being leader of the house? Do you have what it takes to guide your family to the straight path? Tell me.
I tried. I did. I listened. I gave in. I attempted. I cried. I did everything you asked.
You told me, you can relate to me. You can communicate with me. Now, who do you communicate with? Tell me. I struggled to talk to you, tried to create a conversation so we can communicate. But you refused. You looked for your friend. You've left me behind.
How can I get into your heart, how can I understand you, if you avoid talking to me? Tell me. How can I really know what you want from me, what you need from me, if I can't reach out for you? Tell me.
Tell me, what do I do to make you love me, care for me, hear me, want me?
Alas, the damage is done. We don't walk the same path anymore. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who is perfect enough for you. Because I know I'm far from perfect.
Goodbye my Love.
It's never easy for me, to leave you after all that we've been through together. But if this is for the best, I have to give in. You once said girlfriends are your last priority. Friends come first. So I guess it doesn't matter for you if I'm not around.
Go. Go somewhere far from me, that I can't find you no matter how hard I try. Because it's easier for me to let you go if I don't see the one I love.
Yes, I do love you. You are the only man that I've give all my heart to. I can never love another the way that I love you. I don't even know how. But the love that I've given to you backfires me. It kills me. And for you, though I really love you with every drop of my blood, I can't go on. Not in this kind of relationship.
I've given you so many chances, I've forgiven you a million times. But you never changed. I tried to make you a better person, a gentleman. But I never succeeded. I can't. I was the one who changed for you, according to you wants, your needs. But you never bothered.
Ask yourself - do I really treat you so badly, that you turn to your friend? Have I ever scold you? Have I ever yell at you? Have I ever curse at you? Have I ever hurt you so badly, that you give up on me? Tell me.
You once told me that your ex didn't behave like a future wife. Ask yourself - do you behave like a future husband? Are you ready to carry the heavy burden of being leader of the house? Do you have what it takes to guide your family to the straight path? Tell me.
I tried. I did. I listened. I gave in. I attempted. I cried. I did everything you asked.
You told me, you can relate to me. You can communicate with me. Now, who do you communicate with? Tell me. I struggled to talk to you, tried to create a conversation so we can communicate. But you refused. You looked for your friend. You've left me behind.
How can I get into your heart, how can I understand you, if you avoid talking to me? Tell me. How can I really know what you want from me, what you need from me, if I can't reach out for you? Tell me.
Tell me, what do I do to make you love me, care for me, hear me, want me?
Alas, the damage is done. We don't walk the same path anymore. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who is perfect enough for you. Because I know I'm far from perfect.
Goodbye my Love.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Tunangan
Kata orang, bertunang ni banyak dugaannya. Betul ke?
Kata orang lagi, bertunang ni perlu banyak bersabar. Perlu ke?
Dugaan. Sejak dari mula berkenalmu aku diduga. Memilih antara kawan dan kekasih. Antara suka dan selesa. Katamu kawan bisa aku cari dimana mana. Lantas, aku menurutmu dan meninggalkan temanku.
Kemudian, aku diduga lagi. Kau pergi. Aku sendiri. Kau bersama dia lagi. Kembali. Kau memanggilku biarpun dia kau dampingi.
Setelah kau berpatah hati, kau berpaling padaku menduga lagi. Katamu ingin mencuba lagi. Ku peluk kau kembali.
Mencakar hati, kau duga lagi. Kau ku kejar namun sepi.
Aku sendiri.
Belum sempat ku melangkah, kau kembali memohon dalam pasrah.
Aku mendesah. Kerna payah untuk aku pangkah.
Kau asak. Aku pasak.
Kau sesah. Aku lelah.
Kau tikam. Aku pejam.
Kau tanam. Aku pendam.
Dugaan. Dugaan.
Kau mahu intan. Aku hanya pasiran.
Kecilnya harapan. Kau patahkan.
Kau mau ratu. Aku hanya abu.
Tajamnya paku. Terpacak kemas di kalbu.
Aku berkeras. Kau lagi keras.
Aku berlembut. Kau tundukkan aku ke rumput.
Jalannya yang cerah. Aku kau punah.
Apa yang tinggal, hanya sesal.
Apa yang ada, cuma tiada.
Aku putus asa.
Tunangan? Apa kau aku tunangan?
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taburlah ihsan untuk kau jadi sanjungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, jagalah badan untuk kau ku belaikan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah dirimu dalam kawalan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, janjilah kau aku bersimpan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah aku dalam perhatian.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, simpanlah nafsumu dalam kurungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taruh harapan untuk aku kau nikahkan.
Kata orang lagi, bertunang ni perlu banyak bersabar. Perlu ke?
Dugaan. Sejak dari mula berkenalmu aku diduga. Memilih antara kawan dan kekasih. Antara suka dan selesa. Katamu kawan bisa aku cari dimana mana. Lantas, aku menurutmu dan meninggalkan temanku.
Kemudian, aku diduga lagi. Kau pergi. Aku sendiri. Kau bersama dia lagi. Kembali. Kau memanggilku biarpun dia kau dampingi.
Setelah kau berpatah hati, kau berpaling padaku menduga lagi. Katamu ingin mencuba lagi. Ku peluk kau kembali.
Mencakar hati, kau duga lagi. Kau ku kejar namun sepi.
Aku sendiri.
Belum sempat ku melangkah, kau kembali memohon dalam pasrah.
Aku mendesah. Kerna payah untuk aku pangkah.
Kau asak. Aku pasak.
Kau sesah. Aku lelah.
Kau tikam. Aku pejam.
Kau tanam. Aku pendam.
Dugaan. Dugaan.
Kau mahu intan. Aku hanya pasiran.
Kecilnya harapan. Kau patahkan.
Kau mau ratu. Aku hanya abu.
Tajamnya paku. Terpacak kemas di kalbu.
Aku berkeras. Kau lagi keras.
Aku berlembut. Kau tundukkan aku ke rumput.
Jalannya yang cerah. Aku kau punah.
Apa yang tinggal, hanya sesal.
Apa yang ada, cuma tiada.
Aku putus asa.
Tunangan? Apa kau aku tunangan?
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taburlah ihsan untuk kau jadi sanjungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, jagalah badan untuk kau ku belaikan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah dirimu dalam kawalan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, janjilah kau aku bersimpan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah aku dalam perhatian.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, simpanlah nafsumu dalam kurungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taruh harapan untuk aku kau nikahkan.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A Matter of Choice
For you and me. Choose. Me or your friend. Choose. Stay or leave.
Because I dah penat sakit hati tengok both of you.
Don't care about me no more. You told me once, that friends are more important than girlfriends. What about now? We're engaged to be married. Still, kawan2 lagi penting ke?
You cakap apa, tak nak kawan dia lagi dah. After I told you we were done. Yep, I gave up. But I'm still here. And you lied to me. Lies. That's what I can't tolerate.
Bukannya I tak bagi you kawan dengan dia. It's about how you treat her as a friend. As I can see, you treat her more than just a close friend. You both have crossed the boundaries of treating a friend, though I've warned you. Dia sekarang lagi penting dari I. At least that's how I feel, in case you don't see it.
I told you, I hate it bila you kata nak make out dengan dia. Even if it's just a joke for both of you, I tak suka. Macamlah selama ni you tak happy dengan apa yang I dah bagi kat you. And her, dia suka bila you cakap pasal tu. Gelak besar dia. Yes, you both make me feel insulted when you said it. On my face! Both of you, tak malu ke? Tak rasa sundal ke? I pulak yang rasa cheap gila when my fiancee talks about doing another person.
When your bike was ready, I told you I want to ride with you. You said, 'kita naik kereta je lah.' But on our engagement day, you bawak dia datang naik motor. I was hurt, yet again. Because your future fiancee wanted to ride with you, but you took your trans friend instead. Oh, I really felt bad. Again, you letak dia sebelum I.
Bila I masak untuk you, bagi you rasa and you said OK, you suruh I bagi dia rasa pulak. Tanya kawan you, OK ke tak. What is this? I felt like a maid for both of you. You've put me down so low that I felt worthless in front of her. I malu. Malu!
I tanya you about our wedding plans. you suruh I tanya dia instead, bila dia tak bagi jawapan pun kat I. As if you tak minat nak kahwin, or you lagi suka biar kawan you handle your wedding. Is it? Who am I getting married to? You or her? Who is my fiancee? You or her? Or do you wish to marry her instead of me?
Wherever we go - watching movies, hang out, dine, shopping, fishing.. She was always there. As if there was no more our time, our date. Mana2 kita pergi, mesti you nak dia ada sekali. Apa kita buat, mesti you nak ajak dia sekali. I don't feel like we're together anymore, you guys were. When you walk, you walk with her. I was left behind. When you talk or joke, you do it with her. I was like a statue between you and her. You forgot about me when she's around.
When you make a stupid joke, and she laughs at your joke, she curses at you as well. Babi, bodoh, lancau.. Rude. Don't you feel like she doesn't respect you? Although it's a joke, I can't take it when someone curses at you. You know for yourself I hate people who curse. Macam mana kalau I buat macam tu kat you, curse at your jokes. Marah? I know you will. Silap2 lempang muka I terus.
Everytime kawan you tak habis makan, dia arah you 'weh, habiskan makanan aku.' And you ambik, habiskan. Both of you - she doesn't respect my position as your fiancee when she asked you to finish her meal. Who is she to do that? None of your friends do that. What gives her privilege to do that? She's only a friend. And she's crossed the line. And you tak hormat perasaan I bila you ambik makanan dia, habiskan. I tengok you dah macam kuli dia, habiskan sisa makanan dia. Selalu pulak tu. No wonder you listen to her. I hurt, bila I tengok orang sesuka hati arah you bila I sendiri tak mampu nak buat macam tu. I hurt bila you tak pedulikan I bila you habiskan sisa makanan kawan you, sedangkan mak dia sendiri pun tak buat macam tu!
She orders around asking you to do this and that for her. Is she a family to you? Think. Even your fiancee doesn't do that. Let alone friends. She's your only friend who does that. Again, I feel disrespected. Don't you?
Everytime the three of us walk together, I always observe both of you. You will be the one ahead, and then she will walk faster so she can walk beside you. And I walk alone. Who's your fiancee? Me or her? If you're aware of my position as your fiancee, you'll walk with me. And if she respected my position as your fiancee, she would let me walk next to you. Both of you. I tak mintak orang tunduk sembah I, tapi at least hormat perasaan I as a person. We treat strangers nicely, but why do we treat our loved ones badly?
And yes, I'm extremely annoyed seeing your relationship with her. I feel like slapping her face everytime she curses at you. I feel like slapping yours when you talk about sleeping with her. I feel like throwing her food away when she orders you to finish her meal. And I feel like splashing you with the drinks when you do. Why? Jealous? I won't be if you both don't cross the boundaries. I know, you are well aware of that. But you choose to ignore. You choose to annoy me rather than watching your actions with her. You've totally left me out. I don't have a say when it comes to her. I sakit hati tengok dia buat you sesuka hati dia. Tapi bagi you tak apa, sebab dia kawan you. Macam terbalik, sepatutnya you layan tunang you nicely. Tapi you layan kawan you macam raja, and tunang you macam hamba.
U made her your priority over me. Apa2 pun mesti tanya dia, ajak dia, consult dia. Semuanya kena dapat approval dia ke? You dengan dia sapa? Dia boss you ke? Adik beradik you ke? No! She's only a friend. A friend!
You dengar cakap dia, you tak pernah dengar cakap I. Whatever she says, whatever she wants.. Semua you turutkan. Tapi apa yang I mintak dari you, punyalah susah nak dapat. Sometimes I kena tunggu turn dengan dia. Bila dia dah dapat apa yang dia nak, baru you nak cari I and tanya apa yang I nak. Am I sharing my fiancee with a pengkid??
You told her how you feel, you never told me. Siapa tunang you sebenarnya? I ke dia? Kenapa susah untuk you share your feelings with me when I'm the closest to your heart in you life? But you turn to her. Segala apa pun, you cari dia. Then I ni apa? Tunggul kayu? Kenapa susah sangat you nak cakap, slow talk dengan I? I told you, talk to me. No matter how bad it is. For heaven's sake, communicate with me!
You care about her feelings, you never care about mine. You told me to behave, you told me to speak with manners when I'm talking to her. You don't hurt her, you hurt me.
Seriously, I give up.
Because I dah penat sakit hati tengok both of you.
Don't care about me no more. You told me once, that friends are more important than girlfriends. What about now? We're engaged to be married. Still, kawan2 lagi penting ke?
You cakap apa, tak nak kawan dia lagi dah. After I told you we were done. Yep, I gave up. But I'm still here. And you lied to me. Lies. That's what I can't tolerate.
Bukannya I tak bagi you kawan dengan dia. It's about how you treat her as a friend. As I can see, you treat her more than just a close friend. You both have crossed the boundaries of treating a friend, though I've warned you. Dia sekarang lagi penting dari I. At least that's how I feel, in case you don't see it.
I told you, I hate it bila you kata nak make out dengan dia. Even if it's just a joke for both of you, I tak suka. Macamlah selama ni you tak happy dengan apa yang I dah bagi kat you. And her, dia suka bila you cakap pasal tu. Gelak besar dia. Yes, you both make me feel insulted when you said it. On my face! Both of you, tak malu ke? Tak rasa sundal ke? I pulak yang rasa cheap gila when my fiancee talks about doing another person.
When your bike was ready, I told you I want to ride with you. You said, 'kita naik kereta je lah.' But on our engagement day, you bawak dia datang naik motor. I was hurt, yet again. Because your future fiancee wanted to ride with you, but you took your trans friend instead. Oh, I really felt bad. Again, you letak dia sebelum I.
Bila I masak untuk you, bagi you rasa and you said OK, you suruh I bagi dia rasa pulak. Tanya kawan you, OK ke tak. What is this? I felt like a maid for both of you. You've put me down so low that I felt worthless in front of her. I malu. Malu!
I tanya you about our wedding plans. you suruh I tanya dia instead, bila dia tak bagi jawapan pun kat I. As if you tak minat nak kahwin, or you lagi suka biar kawan you handle your wedding. Is it? Who am I getting married to? You or her? Who is my fiancee? You or her? Or do you wish to marry her instead of me?
Wherever we go - watching movies, hang out, dine, shopping, fishing.. She was always there. As if there was no more our time, our date. Mana2 kita pergi, mesti you nak dia ada sekali. Apa kita buat, mesti you nak ajak dia sekali. I don't feel like we're together anymore, you guys were. When you walk, you walk with her. I was left behind. When you talk or joke, you do it with her. I was like a statue between you and her. You forgot about me when she's around.
When you make a stupid joke, and she laughs at your joke, she curses at you as well. Babi, bodoh, lancau.. Rude. Don't you feel like she doesn't respect you? Although it's a joke, I can't take it when someone curses at you. You know for yourself I hate people who curse. Macam mana kalau I buat macam tu kat you, curse at your jokes. Marah? I know you will. Silap2 lempang muka I terus.
Everytime kawan you tak habis makan, dia arah you 'weh, habiskan makanan aku.' And you ambik, habiskan. Both of you - she doesn't respect my position as your fiancee when she asked you to finish her meal. Who is she to do that? None of your friends do that. What gives her privilege to do that? She's only a friend. And she's crossed the line. And you tak hormat perasaan I bila you ambik makanan dia, habiskan. I tengok you dah macam kuli dia, habiskan sisa makanan dia. Selalu pulak tu. No wonder you listen to her. I hurt, bila I tengok orang sesuka hati arah you bila I sendiri tak mampu nak buat macam tu. I hurt bila you tak pedulikan I bila you habiskan sisa makanan kawan you, sedangkan mak dia sendiri pun tak buat macam tu!
She orders around asking you to do this and that for her. Is she a family to you? Think. Even your fiancee doesn't do that. Let alone friends. She's your only friend who does that. Again, I feel disrespected. Don't you?
Everytime the three of us walk together, I always observe both of you. You will be the one ahead, and then she will walk faster so she can walk beside you. And I walk alone. Who's your fiancee? Me or her? If you're aware of my position as your fiancee, you'll walk with me. And if she respected my position as your fiancee, she would let me walk next to you. Both of you. I tak mintak orang tunduk sembah I, tapi at least hormat perasaan I as a person. We treat strangers nicely, but why do we treat our loved ones badly?
And yes, I'm extremely annoyed seeing your relationship with her. I feel like slapping her face everytime she curses at you. I feel like slapping yours when you talk about sleeping with her. I feel like throwing her food away when she orders you to finish her meal. And I feel like splashing you with the drinks when you do. Why? Jealous? I won't be if you both don't cross the boundaries. I know, you are well aware of that. But you choose to ignore. You choose to annoy me rather than watching your actions with her. You've totally left me out. I don't have a say when it comes to her. I sakit hati tengok dia buat you sesuka hati dia. Tapi bagi you tak apa, sebab dia kawan you. Macam terbalik, sepatutnya you layan tunang you nicely. Tapi you layan kawan you macam raja, and tunang you macam hamba.
U made her your priority over me. Apa2 pun mesti tanya dia, ajak dia, consult dia. Semuanya kena dapat approval dia ke? You dengan dia sapa? Dia boss you ke? Adik beradik you ke? No! She's only a friend. A friend!
You dengar cakap dia, you tak pernah dengar cakap I. Whatever she says, whatever she wants.. Semua you turutkan. Tapi apa yang I mintak dari you, punyalah susah nak dapat. Sometimes I kena tunggu turn dengan dia. Bila dia dah dapat apa yang dia nak, baru you nak cari I and tanya apa yang I nak. Am I sharing my fiancee with a pengkid??
You told her how you feel, you never told me. Siapa tunang you sebenarnya? I ke dia? Kenapa susah untuk you share your feelings with me when I'm the closest to your heart in you life? But you turn to her. Segala apa pun, you cari dia. Then I ni apa? Tunggul kayu? Kenapa susah sangat you nak cakap, slow talk dengan I? I told you, talk to me. No matter how bad it is. For heaven's sake, communicate with me!
You care about her feelings, you never care about mine. You told me to behave, you told me to speak with manners when I'm talking to her. You don't hurt her, you hurt me.
Seriously, I give up.
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