Lameness

He texted wishing happy birthday. I didn't feel a thing.

Weird, isn't it?

Nah. Not for me.

Because I know he actually did not remember. I think he saw my post on my Facebook wall and decided to text me.

Ah, well.

Knowing him, I didn't even expect that he'd remember.

Because he doesn't, usually.

I'm used to that.

But I wonder, though. Why even bother? He has been ignoring me, all this while. Why should he give a damn about my birthday?

Strange.

A Woman's Worth

Is he worth it to fight for? At first, I thought he is. But after giving it a real deep thought and considering him being himself.. I don't think I'm going to fight that hard for him.

Why? If you ask me, I'm not really going to ask him to come back. What for? Why should I fight when he's comfortable there with his bunch of friends, right?

It's not that aku tak nak fight, or give up trying. It's just that aku tak fikir yang usaha aku untuk dia visible, or can be seen by him. Sebab, kalau dia nampak aku betul2 nak perbetulkan salah aku, maybe he'll reply my texts or even call me. Tapi tak ada apa2. And memang aku saja letak time frame seminggu untuk dia respond. Tapi tak ada. So I take it as he quits. Sensible? For me, yeah.

Kadang2 aku wonder, why am I still in this ridiculous, melodramatic rut?

Kenapa aku still biarkan diri aku dalam keadaan macam ni, sedangkan aku and everybody else know I can do better? Kenapa? Aku sendiri pun tak faham dengan diri sendiri. Aku selalu fikir, kenapa aku susah nak lepaskan dia pergi? Apa yang aku sayang sangat kat dia? And no matter how many times that question pops up in my mind, aku tak ada jawapan. Aku stuck.

People say; you don't need a reason to love someone.

Maybe.

Memang aku tak tau pun sebab apa aku sayang dia. And kalau boleh aku tak nak let go. Note, kalau boleh. Even after all the things yang jadi antara kitorang.

But then, bila aku fikir balik, aku rasa he doesn't give a rat's ass about it. Biar je. And aku rasa memang dia happy dengan kawan2 dia. Nobody controls him, tak ada sapa pun yang tegur apa dia buat kan. So I guess, biar la dia. Maybe bila  dia dengan aku, life dia tak fun. Dia tak ketawa, tak bergurau sampai gelak nak pecah perut. Dia tak happy macam mana dia dengan kawan2 dia. Takkan dia nak berkepit dengan aku when he can have all the fun in the world dengan kawan2 dia kan? Plus, dia pun selalu cakap, kawan2 priority dia. Siapa la aku ni, nak mintak lebih2. Girlfriend? Tunang? Do I even have a title/name in his life? Methinks not. Maybe just a person to stand beside him. Who knows?

Then again, since I'm not your everything, how about I be nothing at all to you?

Easier, no?

Bukan ke lagi senang kalau masa aku text2 dia hari tu, dia bagitau terus yang dia dah tak nak teruskan? Simple. One text. The end. Period.

Sebab aku pun dah tak rasa yang dia nak teruskan lagi dah. Why? According to my paranoid thinking.. Sebab dia pun boleh buat bodoh, as if takde pape jadi. As if dia single kan. So be it lah. Aku pun dah tak nak jatuhkan pride aku lagi sebagai perempuan, mintak2 sangat kat dia sedangkan dia tak peduli sikit pun. As if dia sorang je lelaki kat atas muka bumi ni. He should know better, yang aku takkan nak fight sangat untuk dia. Sebab apa? After all those things yang dah jadi, dia nak aku fight for him oh so full-heartedly ke?

Think again.

Aku rasa maybe its better if we are apart. Sebab aku tak rasa aku mampu nak tahan lagi perangai baran dia, maki, pukul.. Even kalau tak pukul pun, dia tetap akan berkasar dengan aku. I don't think he knows his strength. Dia rasa macam tak kuat, tapi aku rasa macam mana dia tak tau. And then those words.. Those sharp, penetrating words yang akan keluar bila dia naik angin. Especially bila aku tengah broke. Memang dibuat macam sampah masyarakat. As if aku ni hina sangat sebab tak ada duit. Aku ingat lagi apa yang dia cakap. Penniless. Fuh, aku tak tau macam mana aku boleh bertahan lama dengan dia. It is such a mystery.

The best part yang buat aku tak nak fight untuk dia is, perangai mata keranjang dia. Those girls! Aku tak tau apa sebenarnya niat dia, penuhkan akaun Facebook dia dengan perempuan. Seriously, aku tak tau apa akan jadi kat Facebook aku kalau perangai dia ada kat aku. Full with cute & good looking guys. Will he feel intimidated? I wonder.. Tapi aku rasa, daripada aku sakit hati tengok dia flirt dengan perempuan tah sapa2 & his exes, lagi baik aku single kot. Hm. Better. Hati aku pun tak sakit tengok dia bermanja2 dengan perempuan lain kan. Tak buat depan aku pulak tu. Sorok2. Kau ingat aku ni buta? Haish..

Bad, bad relationship/love resume.

One more reason not to fight for it.

Sayang? Of course. Tapi aku tak nak biar hati aku menanah dengan perangai dia lagi. Hidup tak lama. Kalau esok aku mati, kan dah sia2 hidup? Sibuk dengan orang lain, hati aku dah rupa debu. Baik aku jaga diri sendiri dulu. Dia bukannya peduli aku hidup ke mati pun. Aku je yang kepoh nak risaukan dia sangat. Nak buat apa? Sia2 je. Dia dah besar panjang. Pandai la dia jaga diri.

Then again, aku rasa, lama jugak ni untuk aku get over relationship ni. Lama kot. Attached. Susah sikit nak let go. Maybe'll take a couple of months. Once aku dah stabil nanti, ok lah kot. Gotta beautify myself balik. Dah lama diri sendiri terbiar. Nak mekap pun dah tak berapa rajin dah. Hm. Teruk betul!

Stop sighing lah! Take a deep breath, turn over a new leaf.

I can do it!

Life is full of surprises~

From Ashes to Dust

Days fly so fast
Yet why am I steadfast?
I can't move
I can't think
Even meals don't taste the same
Feels like someone turn out the flame

Time seems to freeze
I've lost my dreams
Fourth October night, my fright
If only I can turn the clock on the wall
How I can only wish for it all

I gotta fix it, fix it!

But I can't do it without you
Don't you feel the same too?

I'll be waiting for a hello from you
No matter a sunshine or lightning
Why won't you say something?

Perhaps if I can vanish
Don't think I'm running away
'Cos you know where I'd stand
But if you don't want this
It wouldn't kill for you to say
That all you want is for this to end.

I can't fix it anymore
I'll just vanish say no more


... If only you sent me home to find truce, I'd be happy to. But instead, I was asked to go home because I was just a burden standing next to you. Two weeks, and I feel like this has been going on for two years. But thanks to you, for deserting me that night. I regained what I have left when I was with you. Being alone helps finding that. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

You know what I want the most? One text from you. Only one. Either saying you've forgiven me, or a text that says the end. That's all.

If only feelings can be taken out.. I would rip it off my chest, put it in a steel box and throw it away into the ocean.

Final Draw

I love you. With all my heart.
But I can't take your words & how you torture my insides.

I can never forget the humiliation.
It sticks in my heart like a stain.

Never forget what you said,
"You don't fit to be with me".


I'll find someone else.
Who takes me as I am.

I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being stepped on.

Dear Jimmy

I tak tau sampai bila you nak buat diam macam ni. Dah lebih seminggu I tunggu you. Kalau you buat macam ni in order to torture me, yes. You have succeeded. Memang you berjaya buat I sakit. Congratulations. Sampai bila you nak buat macam ni? I tak tau. Apa yang I tau, I nak fix apa yang dah jadi. That night, kita dua2 salah. Tapi kenapa I rasa macam I sorang je yang buat salah? Kenapa I rasa macam I dah buat one really bad thing yang you sampai nak hukum I macam ni? I tak faham.

Padahal malam tu, you jerit kat I just because I rushing mintak buku resit dari you. Tu je. I pun tak tau kenapa boleh jadi isu besar.

That night, I ingat you akan betul2 pujuk I untuk stay, tapi tak. I jalan tak pedulikan you. I nak jugak tengok sejauhmana you nak halang I. Sikit je you try and then you left. Never bothered about how am I going to live on the street, never bothered if I'm safe or in danger. Tak sangka...

Entahlah, B.

You marah, sebab I pergi keluar dari kereta & ignore you. Tapi, ada you fikir kenapa I buat macam tu? You really crushed me bila you halau I balik Cheras. Memang. Termasuk malam tu, dah 3-4 kali you suruh I balik Cheras. Kalau you suruh I balik Cheras & minta maaf dengan Mama takpe jugak.. It kills me setiap kali I dengar you cakap macam tu. Tak terlintas ke kat fikiran you sebab I stay is because I nak tolong you? Sebab I tak nak tengok you buat kerja sorang2?

Maybe not.

That day, you balik I tengah tidur kat rumah. Mesti you ingat I overnight kat rumah kan? Nope. I didn't. And I rasa you tak perlu tau I merempat tidur kat mana lepas you tinggal I sorang malam tu. Dua malam I ada kat area situ. I ada kat Keramat lagi that day sebab I nak basuh baju2 I & pergi mana2 tempat yang I boleh pergi. I mintak tolong you hantar I pergi KL Sentral. Remember what did you say? Pergilah naik bas!

Takpe lah. I usung kain baju I naik tren pergi KL Sentral.

Sebelum ni, I tak rasa sangat bila kita gaduh & separate. Tapi kali ni memang I terasa, yang sebenarnya I tak penting pun dalam hidup you. That's why I pergi mana, dengan siapa, naik apa, balik macam mana, you tak peduli. Masa tu I cuma ada RM2 dalam purse. You ada tak terfikir macam mana I nak balik Cheras dengan duit banyak tu? I don't think so. Sebab I tau apa yang lagi penting bagi you daripada nak fikir benda2 macam ni. 

I tau, I pun ada salah dalam hal ni. Tapi kita dua2 salah. Kenapa bila I cuba baiki masalah ni, you refuse? I mintak maaf, I pujuk you, macam2 I cakap untuk lembutkan hati you. Tapi you buat derk je. Macam I terhegeh2 sangat kat you. I just want to fix it. Salah ke?

Then I tengok kat FB you, lagu Khatimah Cinta. Siap tulis sudahlah sudah, ku harus pergi, jangan kau tangisi aku lagi. If you nak pergi, just say it! Cakap, we settle apa yang patut and I takkan ganggu you lagi.

Memang I sayang you. Memang kalau boleh I tak nak lepaskan you, I nak pertahankan lagi apa yang ada. I dah start sayang you macam mana I pernah sayang you dulu. Tapi, too bad. Shit happens. We fight. And you tak berganjak dari silent treatment macam yang you selalu buat. You tau I tak suka. You buat jugak.

I wonder, apa lagi yang you nak B. I dengar cakap you. I setia dengan you. Apa yang you tak suka, I tak buat. I hadap caci maki you. I tahan pukul you. I tak buat benda mengarut belakang you. Berapa banyak airmata I keluar sebab you pun I lost track. I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dalam relationship. I tak tau apa lagi yang you cari dalam life you. Sebab bagi I, apa yang I ada sekarang dah cukup. Orang2 yang I sayang ada dekat dengan I & I tau diorang semua selamat. You, I tak tau.

You nak I jadi isteri mithali untuk you? Boleh. Syaratnya, you imamkan I solat 5 waktu sehari semalam. Tu je I mintak. At least dalam satu hari you imamkan I solat walaupun satu waktu, and I dapat cium tangan you lepas you imamkan I pun, I dah happy.

Tapi, you rasa relationship kita ni ada bright future ke? Even dah dekat 3 tahun, kita pun dah banyak tau pasal each other. What do you think?

Ada lagi ke ruang untuk improvement?

I rasa, mungkin ni last la kot kita gaduh. Last kita separate. I rasa mungkin separate kali ni for good. I dah try fix masalah ni & pujuk you. I'm not like you, boleh biar melarat lama2. No. I akan buat, buat & buat. Tapi bila I tengok tak ada hasil, time to buat benda lain pulak lah.

Memang I ada cakap yang I takkan give up on us. Tapi I rasa, sia2 I buat kalau the effort is only on my side. I also said that you are my life. Tapi maybe it's not important to you anymore. I pun tak tau, maybe you're happier living among your friends without me. Call me paranoid, call me insecure. I tak tau apa yang you buat kat sana. And my insecure feelings say that you happy. Tak tau lah kalau otherwise...

Banyak lagi benda yang I nak cakap kat you. Tapi I rasa, biarlah. Tak guna lagi kalau I nak cakap apa2 pun. Mana ada you nak spend time listen to me pun...

Sigh--

Takpe lah, B. If you nak pergi, I akan tangisi, tapi I tak boleh halang you. I cuba pujuk you, all pride ke apa sekalipun I tolak tepi, tapi you tetap berkeras. I tak mampu buat apa2. And I belum ada apa2. I cuma ada setia & sayang untuk you.

Kalau apa yang I ada tak cukup untuk you, then there's nothing that I can do to stop you from going. Apa yang I mampu buat is doakan you happy, walaupun maybe bukan I yang buat you happy.

I Love You.

And I'm sincerely sorry atas apa yang dah jadi.

So long...

Lesson Taught.

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time.
All the time..

Lagu ni untuk u.. Kalau ada u baca blog i.. Memang i nak turn back time & stay with u malam tu. I don't care about pride ke apa ke. I just nak u. I tak kisah kalau u tak nak i ada dengan u macam dulu, kalau u nak i duduk cheras. It's ok. Just i nak u.

I can't help feeling like u dah tak nak teruskan hubungan kita. Tapi kalaupun u tak nak teruskan, bagitau i yang u dah tak nak. I akan cuba terima keputusan u. Its's not easy, tapi sekrang2nya u bagitau i that u nak withdraw.

Even macam tu, i nak peluang teruskan relationship ni dengan u. Dalam hati i tak ada tempat untuk orang lain. Dah penuh dengan u.

Please come back, b. U sorang je yang i nak. U je. Maafkan i..

Being Alone

Hubby, remember when I told you that you are the only man in my life? Well, I think you know where you stand.

That night, I thought I could live a homeless life. But I can't. I actually can't. I depend on you. On almost everything. I regret. I regret on leaving you that night, yelling back at you. I regret. Shouldn't have done that.

I'm hoping, waiting for you to pick me up somewhere and continue living our troublesome life together. I want to be with you, through thick and thin. Through hard and ease. Please. Let me be with you at this time of hardship. Please.

I'll be waiting for you. I know I asked whether it's yes or no, but I crave for you. For us. I will be waiting. No matter how hard it is, I'd still be waiting to hear from you. I know it's my fault to say those mean things to you without thnking straight. And I know I have hurt you deeply with those words. But please, come back.

I miss my monster. I miss us.

I'll be waiting. Come back. Come back.

Talk about Drugs

"If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door
Cos it will take a whole lot of medication
To realise what we used to have
We don't have it anymore"

I too, will need medications to ever forget whatever we had for so long... Hell, it will be on my mind as long as I breathe. The most adventurous relationship I've been in, my whole life.

I have no place to live, I have no shoulder to lie on. If you remember where did I ask you to send me..

I won't go to the place you want me to. I can't. Not in this condition. I have nothing. I have nobody. I thought I had you, but I forgot that our relationship is too fragile.

But honey, I never wanted this thing to happen. I know you' re offended. And I'm sorry for that. I was really disappointed by what you said. I need to fix t
I thought you were going to really stop me from going, but I was wrong. You were never that type. And I thought I could get your attention by throwing those words at you.. But, boy was I wrong. I was pushing you away farther.

And I know how wrong I was.

And I know I need to control my feelings & emotions, so I won't end up screaming at you with harsh words again.

But believe me, I'm truly sorry.

From the last text that I sent to you, I want you to know that I meant every word I said.

If you feel like there's still hope for us, I'll be waiting for you. Somewhere. But I won't be in Damai Bakti 4.

But somewhere, with or without drugs, I will be waiting. For my one and only.

The Trouble with Us is...

I dont know what went wrong the other night, tapi bila u sebut kata nak hantar i balik cheras, i betul2 naik angin. As if u memang tak nak i ada kat sebelah u, tak nak i tolong bisnes u etc etc. As if u memang tunggu masa nak hantar i balik cheras so that i wont bother u anymore. It all starts with a small matter, yang i rasa tak perlu dibesarkan. U were on the phone, i was asking for the receipt book meanwhile. Kecik je hal nye kan? Tapi kenapa i kena marah & macam i buat salah besar sangat, i tak tau.

I tak faham b, kenapa? U dah fed up dgn i, sampai benda kecik camtu pun u nak jerit kat i? U dah tak kuasa?

Marah b, memang i marah malam tu. Sebab dah berapa kali u halau i balik cheras. How many times do i have to tell u i tak nak balik sana? I kalau nak balik sana, i boleh balik sendiri, tak payah mintak u hantar, even jalan kaki pun i sanggup kalau i nak balik sana sendiri. But the point is, i nak ada dengan u. I nak stay by your side masa sekarang, masa u tengah susah. I tak nak u bersusah payah amik i kat cheras kalau u nak jumpa i. I nak tolong u apa yg i boleh, apa yg i mampu. Tapi u fikir i selfish, i pentingkan nak berkepit dgn u. No. I tak nak nanti bila u dah senang baru i ada dgn u. No. I nak ada dengan u from the start, from down below sampai nanti kita senang sama2. I tak nak just pakai duit u bila u dah senang, i nak tolong u, at least whatever i take from u i pun ada tolong keluar kudrat for it. Bukan saja2 pow duit u.

But then maybe intention i tak selari dengan tindakan i. Maybe i buat u rimas, i buat u rasa susah when i sebenarnya nak bantu u. I tak nak tengok u buat kerja sorang2. Tapi maybe i buat u rasa yg i ni beban, extra luggage that u have to carry along your daily job.

If u ever feel that way, im sorry.

I dengar u say sorry that night, but then masa tu i frust & upset bila u suruh i balik cheras. Dah tak ada tempat untuk i lagi kat sana. Tambah lagi masa tu u grip i kuat sangat, i nk lari dari u. I takut u pukul i. Cos the last time pun jadi masa dlm kereta. I tak nak jadi lagi. Especially bila u ckp u xnak pukul i. I fear for the worst.

Tapi the aftermath memang salah i. I tak mampu control perasaan i bila u off phone and just leave me ther. I mintak maaf sangat untuk tu.

Last but not least, i just nak u tau yang i nak ada dengan u sekarang. I tak nak biar sorang2 struggle. I tak nak duduk lepak while u do all the work sorang. Let me be there for you. Let me share the pain with you.

Panggil lah i apapun, yang i tau i want to be next to you. All the time. Susah, senang, i nak ada dengan u. I nak jadi peneman u sampai bila2. I mintak maaf sangat sangat atas apa yang i cakap kat u malam tu. I tak patut lukakan u macam tu. Salah i.

Apa pun yang i buat tiap2 hari, u sentiasa dlam kepala i, b.

Sentiasa.

Hanya u yang i selalu ingat, u yang i selalu mimpi, u yang i selalu rindu. Even seminit u tak ada, i rindu.

Only you.