OK. Here's my friend on my right, and her fiancee on my left. Her fiancee made me his adik angkat about a month ago when we first met in Borneo Rainforest on Halloween. He made my friend invite me to join them that day and I did.
Here's how it went.
I was disappointed with my Prince, who is now an ex. He and others saw me crying and looking gloomy back then. All of them was trying to cheer me up - not crying in the middle of a chaotic club. Then two of them - her fiancee and there's this guy who cared about me and always telling me not to cry but smile always (kinda like him.hehe). Both of them helped me in getting over my ex (as well as my friend and others)..making me a stronger person, strong enough to dump my ex. Then, God knows how and why, three of us - me, this guy and this fiancee guy. We hang out together a lot and talk about almost everything. And he made me his adik angkat. I even asked for her permission - is it OK if he takes me as his adik angkat. She said yes.
Then there's this someone who pointed at me saying I like my own friend's fiancee. It's almost out of this world, at least for me. How could I ever take my friend's love when I had feel the pain of having my partner taken? And it happened twice!
Never!
The relationship grows between me and my brother as time goes by, and we bond in a very short period of time. We had luahan perasaan to each other, we talked about all the things in the world. But the part where I can hang on to this brother of mine is that I'm comfortable with him. No, we are comfortable with each other. Even sometimes when we are close I don't really feel comfort, I kept in mind that he's a brother and we are supposed to be that close. A brother right? Blood binding doesn't matter - what's in your heart matters. I hold on to that.
As time flies, we grow closer to each other and he's been telling me about how he wants to walk away and that he admits being with her all along was a mistake. He's just waiting for the right time to pop the statement that might hurt her to the deepest. And I've been trying to tell him that if he still loves her, just go on with whatever that they're having right now and just fix any wreck, talk to each other and make something out of it. Even to her, I asked her to come up to him and fix everything.
But, there's a but.
He keeps running away from her and avoiding her approaches and just let everything be. She was miserable, he was spending his time with me instead. Guilt was on every inch of my flesh. Luckily most of the time, the other guy was there - so it was three of us, not just me and him. And at the same time his friends (whom are her friends too) are telling her that he's cheating on her with me. Many kinds of accusations that I wasn't aware of. Only him and the other guy. This suffocates me as she is my bestfriend, she knows about me, my life, who I am and what I've been through.
So, as I was telling him (and her aswell) to keep going on, last Friday 28/11 when he picked me up from work and I asked him where was he from - Kampung Baru, fiancee's place; he left her. Well if he asks me I would say it's so unbelievable. It really was, as I kept asking him about it - did it really happen or that he was just messing around. But my hunch was true. he left her.
And now I have a feeling that my friend is blaming me for that - maybe thinking that I wanted to steal her fiancee in the first place. Plus, all those nasty people around her poisoning her mind telling this and that about me. I can tell. It's common among women. Instead of coming up to me and clear things up, she prefers to listen to all her ridiculous friends, who clearly don't know anything about me. I bet she knows me better. Way better than her other friends.
Alas, coming up to the third party isn't always a preferred thing to do unless a person has experienced terrible loss due to a third party. I think I can digest that. And that I understand how a girl would act if she thought her own bestfriend betrays her. Definitely I can get that to my head.
Nevertheless, the damage is done and lesson learnt. I should never step into a person's relationship, especially when it's going over a rough patch. Definitely a no no. And what I'm upset about is that she really thought I backstabbed her, which is totally absurd! I never betrayed her. I even stayed on her side when my brother was telling me all the things about her doings behind him that he gets to know much later, or those things she did without him knowing. And when he asked me, I just told him the truth without knowing that he never knew anything about her activities behind him. I only told him the truth! I never want them to split..
:: Dear friend, if you read this, please understand and realize that I never betray you. Not in any way or with any intentions. I treasure you.
Actng Mets
- missnoperfect
- KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
- This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Why Oh Why...
It has been 3 months and nearly two weeks and I'm feeling like hell. Mum is not approving him hanya sebab dia tak ada degree dalam tangan dia. And that her current boyfriend is so much of a wealthy person. Kaya lah sangat. I hate it when she brings him up on every event that happens. No matter what, and by that I meant no matter what event. She always said; kau tu baru je kenal dia, kau tu baru je berapa bulan dengan dia.. I hate it when she says that.
True, I've only been with him for a short period of time. But that doesn't mean she can blame him on everything! No matter directly or indirectly! I hate this situation where, her boyfriend is staying in this house for over a week now, but she won't let me out to see my boyfriend! What is that? How can that be fair to me?!
Absolutely not fair!!
Dah ramai yang cakap dengan aku perangai macam si ketam yang nak ajar anak berjalan lurus, tapi diri sendiri berjalan senget. Dah ramai sangat. Tapi diri sendiri tak sedar-sedar lagi. Masih jugak nak teruskan life yang tah pape dengan boyfriend yang dia claim bagus sangat tu.
Belajar Tarikat lah, ape lah..
Kalau setakat nak makan je boleh mengaji, boleh baca ayat-ayat suci, tapi solat lima waktu tak buat, even solat Jumaat pun tak pergi, pastu dok melepak kat rumah ni macam dia punya rumah and then nak ajar aku disiplin sedangkan dia dok tidur dengan mak aku, baik tak payah la nak canang-canangkan kat orang yang dia tu a good Muslim ke apa ke.
Tak payah.
Memang ada some good qualities in him, especially bila dia dok tolong mak aku kemas rumah la apa la.. of course dia suka ada orang tolong buat kerja2 dia. Tak payah di suruh2 pun rumah+ laman orang tua tu dia dah tolong kemaskan. Tapi tak payah la tunjuk bagus dia tu kat depan orang. Mentang2lah dah hidup lama, apa je yang orang muda2 ni buat semua dia nak kondem. Even depan bapak sedara aku pun dia nak tunjuk bagus. Apa punya orang la dia ni.
Tak paham aku.
Serius tak paham.
Dah tu, bila aku cakap boyfriend aku tu bukan orang senang, bukan banyak duit, bukan berpelajaran tinggi, dua2 dok cucuk aku slowly, cakap itu lah, ini lah, bagi mesej+hint nak aku tinggalkan boyfriend aku yang sorang tu.
Apakejadah??
Aku yang pilih dia, aku suka dia, and the most important thing is, I love him! Bagi aku, itu yang penting. Pasal dia tak ada degree ke apa ke, itu belakang kira. Sebabnya, aku tau duit boleh cari kat mana2. Tapi cinta+kasih sayang aku tak boleh jumpa kat tepi longkang macam mana aku jumpa duit.
And then, dengan dia ni, after a couple of months together barulah aku dapat rasa dia tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku. Takkan aku nak lepaskan dia macam tu je? Aku takkan semudah tu nak lepaskan dia lepas semua usaha yang aku dah bagi untuk dapatkan hati dia. Takkan sekali-kali aku buat macam tu. Aku tak nak lukakan dia, and at the same time I don't want to be hurt myself. And I definitely don't want to be like my former and his other former partners.
Back to the issue.
Apa yang aku boleh buat, itupun selagi aku boleh buat sekarang ni; tak tau lah tahan sampai bila, sabar je. Sabar, sabar dan sabar. Tu je lah. Aku tau, setiap kali aku bukak pasal salah+silap dia, mau tak mau dia tetap pusing balik kat salah aku. Ada je yang dia nak korek sampai ada jugak salah aku no matter what. So, in the end, daripada aku dok bergaduh+bertekak dengan dia and cari salah each other, lebih baik aku diam je. Lagi banyak aku diam, lagi kurang aku bertegang urat. Biar la hati sakit macam mana pun, selagi aku diam selagi tu aku tak porak perandakan this so-called a happy family of mine.
Tapi diam tak bererti kalah.
True, I've only been with him for a short period of time. But that doesn't mean she can blame him on everything! No matter directly or indirectly! I hate this situation where, her boyfriend is staying in this house for over a week now, but she won't let me out to see my boyfriend! What is that? How can that be fair to me?!
Absolutely not fair!!
Dah ramai yang cakap dengan aku perangai macam si ketam yang nak ajar anak berjalan lurus, tapi diri sendiri berjalan senget. Dah ramai sangat. Tapi diri sendiri tak sedar-sedar lagi. Masih jugak nak teruskan life yang tah pape dengan boyfriend yang dia claim bagus sangat tu.
Belajar Tarikat lah, ape lah..
Kalau setakat nak makan je boleh mengaji, boleh baca ayat-ayat suci, tapi solat lima waktu tak buat, even solat Jumaat pun tak pergi, pastu dok melepak kat rumah ni macam dia punya rumah and then nak ajar aku disiplin sedangkan dia dok tidur dengan mak aku, baik tak payah la nak canang-canangkan kat orang yang dia tu a good Muslim ke apa ke.
Tak payah.
Memang ada some good qualities in him, especially bila dia dok tolong mak aku kemas rumah la apa la.. of course dia suka ada orang tolong buat kerja2 dia. Tak payah di suruh2 pun rumah+ laman orang tua tu dia dah tolong kemaskan. Tapi tak payah la tunjuk bagus dia tu kat depan orang. Mentang2lah dah hidup lama, apa je yang orang muda2 ni buat semua dia nak kondem. Even depan bapak sedara aku pun dia nak tunjuk bagus. Apa punya orang la dia ni.
Tak paham aku.
Serius tak paham.
Dah tu, bila aku cakap boyfriend aku tu bukan orang senang, bukan banyak duit, bukan berpelajaran tinggi, dua2 dok cucuk aku slowly, cakap itu lah, ini lah, bagi mesej+hint nak aku tinggalkan boyfriend aku yang sorang tu.
Apakejadah??
Aku yang pilih dia, aku suka dia, and the most important thing is, I love him! Bagi aku, itu yang penting. Pasal dia tak ada degree ke apa ke, itu belakang kira. Sebabnya, aku tau duit boleh cari kat mana2. Tapi cinta+kasih sayang aku tak boleh jumpa kat tepi longkang macam mana aku jumpa duit.
And then, dengan dia ni, after a couple of months together barulah aku dapat rasa dia tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku. Takkan aku nak lepaskan dia macam tu je? Aku takkan semudah tu nak lepaskan dia lepas semua usaha yang aku dah bagi untuk dapatkan hati dia. Takkan sekali-kali aku buat macam tu. Aku tak nak lukakan dia, and at the same time I don't want to be hurt myself. And I definitely don't want to be like my former and his other former partners.
Back to the issue.
Apa yang aku boleh buat, itupun selagi aku boleh buat sekarang ni; tak tau lah tahan sampai bila, sabar je. Sabar, sabar dan sabar. Tu je lah. Aku tau, setiap kali aku bukak pasal salah+silap dia, mau tak mau dia tetap pusing balik kat salah aku. Ada je yang dia nak korek sampai ada jugak salah aku no matter what. So, in the end, daripada aku dok bergaduh+bertekak dengan dia and cari salah each other, lebih baik aku diam je. Lagi banyak aku diam, lagi kurang aku bertegang urat. Biar la hati sakit macam mana pun, selagi aku diam selagi tu aku tak porak perandakan this so-called a happy family of mine.
Tapi diam tak bererti kalah.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Feeling Like A Trash
Dah lama aku cuba gapai hati, kasih sayang, perhatian daripada mamat sekor ni. Aku sampai dah tak tau nak buat apa dengan dia. Bila tanya, dia pandai mengaku kata sayang, kalau tak sayang takde lah dia nak jumpa aku hari2 kata dia. Bila bergaduh, pandai pulak dia nak pujuk, sayang la, rindu la apa la. Tapi, lepas satu, satu dia lukakan hati aku. lepas satu, satu aku sedih dengan apa yang dia buat. Sayang apa macam tu?
Serius, aku tak paham dengan perangai dia.
Sekarang, dah nak masuk 3 bulan aku dengan dia. Aku tak mau benda ni habis macam tu je. Aku nak bina life dengan dia. Aku nak bahagia dengan dia. Tapi, dah lama macam ni aku tak dapat rasa dia betul2 sayang kat aku. Aku rasa macam dia main2 je dengan aku, bukan betul2 serius nak commit dalam relation ni. Aku dah nak naik buntu dengan semua ni.
Aku mengaku, dia bukan apa yang aku nak. Dia bukan orang senang, dia bukan bijak pandai, nak kata romantik apatah lagi. Tak payah aku nak mula, dia yang spoil mood awal2. Dia pun bukan baik hati sangat nak pujuk2 aku bila aku marah ke, merajuk dengan dia ke..(walaupun memang aku nak sangat tengok macam mana dia pujuk aku.huhu.) Dia pun bukan a perfect gentleman yang pompuan2 kat luar sana nak sangat (memang tak gentle pun). Aku nampak banyak flaw dia yang tak kena dengan kehendak aku kat seorang lelaki.
Tapi lepas 2 bulan lebih aku dengan dia, walaupun dia pendiam+perahsia tahap gaban, susah nak bawak berbincang, mudah terasa even aku bergurau dengan dia, tak peduli sangat dengan perasaan aku (memang tak peduli), tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu, buat aku tak keruan+tak dapat baca perasaan dia. Pastu bila aku buat silap ke apa ke, tak dapat agak dia ada masalah ke apa ke, mula nak marah aku pulak. Sakit je hati aku.
Tapi macam mana pun dia, aku tau dia tu apa yang aku perlukan dalam life aku yang caca-marba ni. Aku perlukan dia untuk advice2 yang aku takkan terfikir langsung - solutions yang ridiculous tapi possible. Dia ada kelembutan dalam sentuhan dia yang aku perlu dan tak pernah dapat dari sapa2 . Dia selalu sedarkan aku betapa kadang2 aku silap, kadang2 aku fikir terlalu negatif (even dia pun kadang2 negatif.huhu). Aku perlu dia untuk stay waras dalam nak teruskan hidup aku (sebab kadang2 aku rasa macam nak pergi mati je).
Cuma, yang aku ralat dalam relationship ni, aku rasa dia layan aku macam bukan sapa2 dalam life dia. Bukan orang yang dia sayang, tatang, jaga, cinta. Aku selalu tertanya2 sendiri, dia sayang aku? Dia cinta aku? Dia nak aku dalam hidup dia?
Aku tertanya2 sendiri. Tak ada jawapan yang dapat aku cari.
Soalan yang paling kerap datang dalam kepala aku - kenapa. Kenapa dia buat aku macam ni? kenapa dia buat aku macam sampah? Kenapa kalau dia kat dia sayang, kenapa dia keep on lukakan hati aku? Kenapa buat aku kejar2 dia? Kenapa buat aku menangis sebab dia?
Kenapa?
Aku ni apa untuk dia? Bukan couple dia? Bukan aku yang sepatutnya dia jaga hati, jaga diri, ambik berat, ambik tau apa aku buat, aku kat mana, dengan sapa.. Apa yang aku nampak - dia memang tak ada nak pedulikan aku. Dalam gaung ke, atas gunung ke, hidup ke mati ke.. Memang tak ada..
Aku fikir, dengan ada dia dalam life aku, takkan ada airmata tumpah lagi sebab lelaki. Tapi rasa macam makin banyak aku menangis pun ada. Lepas satu, satu benda dia buat yang kecewakan aku, sakitkan hati aku. Aku tak tau sampai bila aku boleh bertahan dengan perangai dia yang macam2 ni. Apa yang aku boleh buat dan tengah buat sekarang ni - sabar selagi aku boleh sabar, bertahan selagi aku boleh bertahan.
Aku tak nak dia kecewa dengan pompuan lagi. Cukuplah apa yang dia pernah rasa dengan pompuan2 dia dulu. Tapi yang paling aku risau nanti bila aku dah muak dengan semua ni dia baru nak tunjuk apa tu kasih sayang sebenarnya. By the time aku dah tawar hati, dah tak ada hati, semua tu dah sangat2 terlambat.
::p/s:: Putra hati, if u baca, please do something.
Serius, aku tak paham dengan perangai dia.
Sekarang, dah nak masuk 3 bulan aku dengan dia. Aku tak mau benda ni habis macam tu je. Aku nak bina life dengan dia. Aku nak bahagia dengan dia. Tapi, dah lama macam ni aku tak dapat rasa dia betul2 sayang kat aku. Aku rasa macam dia main2 je dengan aku, bukan betul2 serius nak commit dalam relation ni. Aku dah nak naik buntu dengan semua ni.
Aku mengaku, dia bukan apa yang aku nak. Dia bukan orang senang, dia bukan bijak pandai, nak kata romantik apatah lagi. Tak payah aku nak mula, dia yang spoil mood awal2. Dia pun bukan baik hati sangat nak pujuk2 aku bila aku marah ke, merajuk dengan dia ke..(walaupun memang aku nak sangat tengok macam mana dia pujuk aku.huhu.) Dia pun bukan a perfect gentleman yang pompuan2 kat luar sana nak sangat (memang tak gentle pun). Aku nampak banyak flaw dia yang tak kena dengan kehendak aku kat seorang lelaki.
Tapi lepas 2 bulan lebih aku dengan dia, walaupun dia pendiam+perahsia tahap gaban, susah nak bawak berbincang, mudah terasa even aku bergurau dengan dia, tak peduli sangat dengan perasaan aku (memang tak peduli), tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu, buat aku tak keruan+tak dapat baca perasaan dia. Pastu bila aku buat silap ke apa ke, tak dapat agak dia ada masalah ke apa ke, mula nak marah aku pulak. Sakit je hati aku.
Tapi macam mana pun dia, aku tau dia tu apa yang aku perlukan dalam life aku yang caca-marba ni. Aku perlukan dia untuk advice2 yang aku takkan terfikir langsung - solutions yang ridiculous tapi possible. Dia ada kelembutan dalam sentuhan dia yang aku perlu dan tak pernah dapat dari sapa2 . Dia selalu sedarkan aku betapa kadang2 aku silap, kadang2 aku fikir terlalu negatif (even dia pun kadang2 negatif.huhu). Aku perlu dia untuk stay waras dalam nak teruskan hidup aku (sebab kadang2 aku rasa macam nak pergi mati je).
Cuma, yang aku ralat dalam relationship ni, aku rasa dia layan aku macam bukan sapa2 dalam life dia. Bukan orang yang dia sayang, tatang, jaga, cinta. Aku selalu tertanya2 sendiri, dia sayang aku? Dia cinta aku? Dia nak aku dalam hidup dia?
Aku tertanya2 sendiri. Tak ada jawapan yang dapat aku cari.
Soalan yang paling kerap datang dalam kepala aku - kenapa. Kenapa dia buat aku macam ni? kenapa dia buat aku macam sampah? Kenapa kalau dia kat dia sayang, kenapa dia keep on lukakan hati aku? Kenapa buat aku kejar2 dia? Kenapa buat aku menangis sebab dia?
Kenapa?
Aku ni apa untuk dia? Bukan couple dia? Bukan aku yang sepatutnya dia jaga hati, jaga diri, ambik berat, ambik tau apa aku buat, aku kat mana, dengan sapa.. Apa yang aku nampak - dia memang tak ada nak pedulikan aku. Dalam gaung ke, atas gunung ke, hidup ke mati ke.. Memang tak ada..
Aku fikir, dengan ada dia dalam life aku, takkan ada airmata tumpah lagi sebab lelaki. Tapi rasa macam makin banyak aku menangis pun ada. Lepas satu, satu benda dia buat yang kecewakan aku, sakitkan hati aku. Aku tak tau sampai bila aku boleh bertahan dengan perangai dia yang macam2 ni. Apa yang aku boleh buat dan tengah buat sekarang ni - sabar selagi aku boleh sabar, bertahan selagi aku boleh bertahan.
Aku tak nak dia kecewa dengan pompuan lagi. Cukuplah apa yang dia pernah rasa dengan pompuan2 dia dulu. Tapi yang paling aku risau nanti bila aku dah muak dengan semua ni dia baru nak tunjuk apa tu kasih sayang sebenarnya. By the time aku dah tawar hati, dah tak ada hati, semua tu dah sangat2 terlambat.
::p/s:: Putra hati, if u baca, please do something.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Someone Who I Call Mr. Boyfriend
It's been a month, three weeks and two days since 19th of July, where I asked for his consent to be my partner - and he said yes. I, although am still wounded and shadowed by my past, have been trying to give my best to him and the relationship.
I have been keeping all the thoughts about him and his past with his ex-girlfriends. How he still keeps her pictures in his wallet, phone and even on MySpace. Aku tak paham kenapa dia nak buat semua tu lepas minah tu dah tipu dia kaw2.
Otak aku tak dapat nak hadam tu.
It's just unacceptable - at least for me, and now that he's with me he's got to understand that. I told him to get rid of those pictures so many times but he just ignored me. Of course I'm jealous! She's an ex, I'm his partner now! My pictures are supposed to be in his belongings! Not hers!
She lied to you, what's the point of keeping her stuff? He knew how she hurt him, but he still possess her pictures as if he's still waiting for her. And the worst is, he treats me as if I'm just a friend and someone who doesn't mean anything to him.
What la wei?
I've been trying to reach out for him, treat him nice, try my best to be an understanding girlfriend to him. Keeping all the hurt inside - forgetting all the pain and just keep going on no matter how hard it is for me to win his heart over Ms. Syahira.
Maybe this is a bad time for me to step into his life, I think of this sometimes. He simply come and go, all the things that a boyfriend does to his partner, he failed to do. Sometimes I feel like he's making me a person to be with when he's feeling blue, someone to attend him whenever he needs help..not someone whom he calls his girlfriend. The thought of that really, really breaks my heart.
As for now, I don't know, really I don't know what to do, how to reach him - physically, emotionally and the hardest, spiritually. It's as if I'm still in a bubble where I can't get out and get into his arms. I wish, Lord I wish he could open his heart, open his mind and take me wholly as someone who loves him deeply.
If only that wish comes true..
I have been keeping all the thoughts about him and his past with his ex-girlfriends. How he still keeps her pictures in his wallet, phone and even on MySpace. Aku tak paham kenapa dia nak buat semua tu lepas minah tu dah tipu dia kaw2.
Otak aku tak dapat nak hadam tu.
It's just unacceptable - at least for me, and now that he's with me he's got to understand that. I told him to get rid of those pictures so many times but he just ignored me. Of course I'm jealous! She's an ex, I'm his partner now! My pictures are supposed to be in his belongings! Not hers!
She lied to you, what's the point of keeping her stuff? He knew how she hurt him, but he still possess her pictures as if he's still waiting for her. And the worst is, he treats me as if I'm just a friend and someone who doesn't mean anything to him.
What la wei?
I've been trying to reach out for him, treat him nice, try my best to be an understanding girlfriend to him. Keeping all the hurt inside - forgetting all the pain and just keep going on no matter how hard it is for me to win his heart over Ms. Syahira.
Maybe this is a bad time for me to step into his life, I think of this sometimes. He simply come and go, all the things that a boyfriend does to his partner, he failed to do. Sometimes I feel like he's making me a person to be with when he's feeling blue, someone to attend him whenever he needs help..not someone whom he calls his girlfriend. The thought of that really, really breaks my heart.
As for now, I don't know, really I don't know what to do, how to reach him - physically, emotionally and the hardest, spiritually. It's as if I'm still in a bubble where I can't get out and get into his arms. I wish, Lord I wish he could open his heart, open his mind and take me wholly as someone who loves him deeply.
If only that wish comes true..
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Scorpio vs Virgo
http://www.gotohoroscope.com/
Their interests are the same in many areas, but they are too different when it refers to the sexual sphere. It is difficult for them to establish good relationships. Virgo can become captious. Restrained Virgo has trouble keeping up with highly demonstrative Scorpio and doesn't understand what all the fuss and bother is about. Scorpio can fly into jealous rages for no reason, even if Virgo has proved to be a faithful mate, and the general Scorpio views are hard for Virgo to take or agree with for Virgo always sees the other side of the situation and the other persons point of view. In other words Scorpio can be roughly frank. The spiritual affinity is possible for some time, and then Scorpio will probably begin to search for new sexual partners. Friendship may be the best idea here.
erk..aku mau kapel la.
mane lak suruh kawan je.hampeh tul.
Their interests are the same in many areas, but they are too different when it refers to the sexual sphere. It is difficult for them to establish good relationships. Virgo can become captious. Restrained Virgo has trouble keeping up with highly demonstrative Scorpio and doesn't understand what all the fuss and bother is about. Scorpio can fly into jealous rages for no reason, even if Virgo has proved to be a faithful mate, and the general Scorpio views are hard for Virgo to take or agree with for Virgo always sees the other side of the situation and the other persons point of view. In other words Scorpio can be roughly frank. The spiritual affinity is possible for some time, and then Scorpio will probably begin to search for new sexual partners. Friendship may be the best idea here.
erk..aku mau kapel la.
mane lak suruh kawan je.hampeh tul.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Dream
I dreamt of my father, again.
This time, he had long hair and somehow very calm and cheerful. I can't really remember all of it but some pieces that are left on the back of my mind pictured him being so happy living his life somewhere I don't know.
He had sort of a home, or a place of living - very small but he looked so happy and grateful with what he had. I can't recall the place where I met him, but it seemed like some place far from the city - almost like my hometown.
Again, we talked to each other but unfotunately I can't record what were the things that we were talking about. But I do remember he mentioned about how happy he is with his little life, in his very own world.
I couldn't stop recalling about how upset I was when he told me he got married to another woman. It's not that I hate it or that I can't accept, but I was more like shocked - when I know my father was still with my step-mother when he left. I wondered how, why and who did he marry.
Nonetheless, I kept all those question marks roam in my head.
He showed me a picture of his home. Very small and a bit dirty. Seemed like he was living a very moderate life. Reminds me of the house of his in Pandan Indah. The one every heir wants but too greedy to let me and my sisters have.
Especially his brother.
I don't really know whether this dream has any meaning or that its just a dream.. but, regarding this, I feel that I have to do something about the house or Father's effort in it would be in vain..
This time, he had long hair and somehow very calm and cheerful. I can't really remember all of it but some pieces that are left on the back of my mind pictured him being so happy living his life somewhere I don't know.
He had sort of a home, or a place of living - very small but he looked so happy and grateful with what he had. I can't recall the place where I met him, but it seemed like some place far from the city - almost like my hometown.
Again, we talked to each other but unfotunately I can't record what were the things that we were talking about. But I do remember he mentioned about how happy he is with his little life, in his very own world.
I couldn't stop recalling about how upset I was when he told me he got married to another woman. It's not that I hate it or that I can't accept, but I was more like shocked - when I know my father was still with my step-mother when he left. I wondered how, why and who did he marry.
Nonetheless, I kept all those question marks roam in my head.
He showed me a picture of his home. Very small and a bit dirty. Seemed like he was living a very moderate life. Reminds me of the house of his in Pandan Indah. The one every heir wants but too greedy to let me and my sisters have.
Especially his brother.
I don't really know whether this dream has any meaning or that its just a dream.. but, regarding this, I feel that I have to do something about the house or Father's effort in it would be in vain..
Cinta?
Ku ingin lihat cinta di matamu
Agar bisaku rai musim bunga di hati
Kuingin lihat kasih pada senyummu
Agar takku lelah mencari nafas sendiri
Ku ingin rasakan sayang sentuhanmu
Agar lepas rindu yang menggebu
Ku ingin dirimu
Ku ingin segala apa yang ada
Rasa sayangmu
Rasa cintamu
Gelora asmara
Dalam dirimu untukku
Kerna padamu ku beri semua
Bila hati melara duka kecewa
Kau buat ku lupa semua derita
Bila hanya hilai tawa kamu
Buat ku bahagia diselubung rasa
Cinta.
Agar bisaku rai musim bunga di hati
Kuingin lihat kasih pada senyummu
Agar takku lelah mencari nafas sendiri
Ku ingin rasakan sayang sentuhanmu
Agar lepas rindu yang menggebu
Ku ingin dirimu
Ku ingin segala apa yang ada
Rasa sayangmu
Rasa cintamu
Gelora asmara
Dalam dirimu untukku
Kerna padamu ku beri semua
Bila hati melara duka kecewa
Kau buat ku lupa semua derita
Bila hanya hilai tawa kamu
Buat ku bahagia diselubung rasa
Cinta.
Serabut Kepala
Benda ni dok serabutkan kepala aku. Dia sayang aku ke tak? Yang aku tau, aku tengah pupuk rasa sayang kat dia. Tapi dia?
Aku tak tau.
Aku dah cakap terang2 kat dia, perhatian+belaian. Tu je. Aku tak mintak duit ke, material ke, apa ke. Bagi aku perhatian, panggil aku dengan sweet2 names, bagi aku rasa happy bila aku dengan dia. Masalahnya dia macam tak tunjuk dia sayang aku -tak tunjuk ke atau memang tak ada sayang untuk aku, aku tak tau la. Aku nak sangat tengok+rasa kasih sayang yang ada kat dia untuk aku.
Kenapa simpan? Kenapa tak tunjuk kat aku? Kalau dia tunjuk kat aku, secara tak langsung dia buat aku bertambah-tambah sayang kat dia. Ini, panggil sayang pun tak mau, apatah lagi nak tunjuk dia sayang kat aku. Haih.. pening kepala aku. Kalau ye pun chill, tak payah la sampai macam aku yang dok kejar dia. Malu jugak aku ni oii...
Ingat perempuan tak ada pride ke?
Aku mintak tak banyak kot, just tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku secara fizikal. Ini, layan aku pun lebih kurang je. Rasa macam dia cakap dengan minah semalam tu lagi baik daripada dia cakap dengan aku. Sakit je hati dengar dia sembang dengan minah tu semalam. Rasa macam nak switch off, bukak bateri skali fon dia tu. Mana taknya, bila call aku, cakap macam takde mood, macam terpaksa je. Kadang2 aku rasa dia treat kawan2 dia lebih baik dari dia treat aku. Memang la dia dok balik rumah aku la apa la. Tapi balik rumah aku pun macam tu jugak. Macam tunggul je aku ni dia buat. Macam tak ada apa2 makna aku ni kat dia. Jangan sampai aku naik fed up sudah la. Sayang yang dah ada ni patutnya dia baja, siram. Buat benda2 yang buat aku jadi lagi sayang kat dia.
Ni tak, buat bodo, buat muka menyampah pulak kat aku. Aku ni apa? Tempat aku kat mana dalam hati dia? Cakap sayang, tapi dia tak behave macam dia sayang kat aku pun? Macam buat2 sayang je ada la. Kadang2 ok kadang2 tak.
Ape ni?
Sayang buat la cara sayang. Jangan la dok layan aku macam sofa kat rumah je. Aku ni orang, dan aku ni sangat2la sensitif bila aku ada rasa sayang kat orang tu. Tapi dia seolah2 tak peduli.
Apa ni? Dah declare semua, buat la betul2. Kalau ye pun gagal dengan ex-girfriend dia, jangan la buat aku ni mangsa dia pulak.
Aku pun gagal jugak dulu.
Walaupun aku tak lama dengan ex aku tu, tapi dia buat aku blah dengan cara yang paling sakit. Terus buat aku jadi takut nak ada hubungan dengan lelaki. Tapi aku bukak hati ni untuk dia. Sebab? Ada fireworks dalam hati bila aku dengan dia. Tapi tu je tak cukup untuk buat aku sayang gila kat kat dia lebih dari aku sayang ex aku tu. Dan aku nak sayang dia lebih dari aku sayang ex2 aku.
Aku nak cinta+kasih sayang. Bukan kompromi.
Aku nak buang apa yang mat DK tu cakap dengan aku -cinta sekali je, yang lain semua kopromi.
Aku tak mau.
Dan aku tak mau bercinta beratus kali dalam hidup. Aku nak apa yang aku ada untuk dia, hanya untuk dia. Aku tak mau bagi orang lain. Dan apa yang dia ada untuk aku. Tolonglah Mr., faham, aku sayang kat dia tak ada bersyarat. Biarla apa pun dia tu. Bila aku kata aku dah suka, aku suka. Cuma sekarang ni aku mintak satu je kat dia -buat aku tambah2 sayang kat dia.
Sampai gilakan dia pun tak apa.
Aku nak tu je. Jangan buat aku mangsa lepas apa yang dah jadi antara dia dengan ex dia. Tolonglah, aku ni hati tisu. Jangan buat aku merana tagih cinta dia, sedangkan dia dok tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu. Mati la aku. Aku tak mau.
Tolonglah, tunjuklah yang dia cinta aku. Bagitau aku dia sayang aku. Tu je. Yang lain tak ada pun tak apa.
Aku nak cinta dia.
Aku tak tau.
Aku dah cakap terang2 kat dia, perhatian+belaian. Tu je. Aku tak mintak duit ke, material ke, apa ke. Bagi aku perhatian, panggil aku dengan sweet2 names, bagi aku rasa happy bila aku dengan dia. Masalahnya dia macam tak tunjuk dia sayang aku -tak tunjuk ke atau memang tak ada sayang untuk aku, aku tak tau la. Aku nak sangat tengok+rasa kasih sayang yang ada kat dia untuk aku.
Kenapa simpan? Kenapa tak tunjuk kat aku? Kalau dia tunjuk kat aku, secara tak langsung dia buat aku bertambah-tambah sayang kat dia. Ini, panggil sayang pun tak mau, apatah lagi nak tunjuk dia sayang kat aku. Haih.. pening kepala aku. Kalau ye pun chill, tak payah la sampai macam aku yang dok kejar dia. Malu jugak aku ni oii...
Ingat perempuan tak ada pride ke?
Aku mintak tak banyak kot, just tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku secara fizikal. Ini, layan aku pun lebih kurang je. Rasa macam dia cakap dengan minah semalam tu lagi baik daripada dia cakap dengan aku. Sakit je hati dengar dia sembang dengan minah tu semalam. Rasa macam nak switch off, bukak bateri skali fon dia tu. Mana taknya, bila call aku, cakap macam takde mood, macam terpaksa je. Kadang2 aku rasa dia treat kawan2 dia lebih baik dari dia treat aku. Memang la dia dok balik rumah aku la apa la. Tapi balik rumah aku pun macam tu jugak. Macam tunggul je aku ni dia buat. Macam tak ada apa2 makna aku ni kat dia. Jangan sampai aku naik fed up sudah la. Sayang yang dah ada ni patutnya dia baja, siram. Buat benda2 yang buat aku jadi lagi sayang kat dia.
Ni tak, buat bodo, buat muka menyampah pulak kat aku. Aku ni apa? Tempat aku kat mana dalam hati dia? Cakap sayang, tapi dia tak behave macam dia sayang kat aku pun? Macam buat2 sayang je ada la. Kadang2 ok kadang2 tak.
Ape ni?
Sayang buat la cara sayang. Jangan la dok layan aku macam sofa kat rumah je. Aku ni orang, dan aku ni sangat2la sensitif bila aku ada rasa sayang kat orang tu. Tapi dia seolah2 tak peduli.
Apa ni? Dah declare semua, buat la betul2. Kalau ye pun gagal dengan ex-girfriend dia, jangan la buat aku ni mangsa dia pulak.
Aku pun gagal jugak dulu.
Walaupun aku tak lama dengan ex aku tu, tapi dia buat aku blah dengan cara yang paling sakit. Terus buat aku jadi takut nak ada hubungan dengan lelaki. Tapi aku bukak hati ni untuk dia. Sebab? Ada fireworks dalam hati bila aku dengan dia. Tapi tu je tak cukup untuk buat aku sayang gila kat kat dia lebih dari aku sayang ex aku tu. Dan aku nak sayang dia lebih dari aku sayang ex2 aku.
Aku nak cinta+kasih sayang. Bukan kompromi.
Aku nak buang apa yang mat DK tu cakap dengan aku -cinta sekali je, yang lain semua kopromi.
Aku tak mau.
Dan aku tak mau bercinta beratus kali dalam hidup. Aku nak apa yang aku ada untuk dia, hanya untuk dia. Aku tak mau bagi orang lain. Dan apa yang dia ada untuk aku. Tolonglah Mr., faham, aku sayang kat dia tak ada bersyarat. Biarla apa pun dia tu. Bila aku kata aku dah suka, aku suka. Cuma sekarang ni aku mintak satu je kat dia -buat aku tambah2 sayang kat dia.
Sampai gilakan dia pun tak apa.
Aku nak tu je. Jangan buat aku mangsa lepas apa yang dah jadi antara dia dengan ex dia. Tolonglah, aku ni hati tisu. Jangan buat aku merana tagih cinta dia, sedangkan dia dok tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu. Mati la aku. Aku tak mau.
Tolonglah, tunjuklah yang dia cinta aku. Bagitau aku dia sayang aku. Tu je. Yang lain tak ada pun tak apa.
Aku nak cinta dia.
Merindu Lagi
Dingin hujan meredup gelap malam
Membawa rindu relung hati
Basahnya tanah bumi yang kelam
Kala sendiri aku tangisi
Bilamana kemarau merundung hati
Ragaku menggapai angin dinihari
Rindu sayangku menggebu
Menyesak dada menggoncang kalbu
Ku genggam manis musim bersama
Kuatnya tiada apa bisa meragut setia
Kemanisan dulu membunga
Kini debu tandus yang melanda
Jiwa raung meminta padamu
Hati merindu pelukan syahdu
Dewa hati moga dapat kembali
Kerna jauhnya lama dikau pergi
Aku sendiri. Merindu lagi.
Aku sendiri. Merindu lagi.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Ladies Night - Centro
19th of July 2009; marked those footsteps where I moved on from Faizul's shadow. I was introduced to this person at Centro somewhere on the earlier days of July by Farah, a good friend of mine (apparently we became close after school 0.o). At first, he was just another ordinary Joe I encounter along the way living my night life. I've never met a person who talks more than I do (huhu) but it seems that he does. =)
Elaboration later.
That day; Ladies Night at Centro I went with my Dinda (only 2 of us - crazy) and I invited Farah to tag along. She came much later and brought with her some friends. I jumped from my seat and danced like hell and sweat like a pig!
But then something terrible happened.
Someone stole Farah's handbag! I just can't believe what happened as we were in the club and I suppose - there should not be any theft in there. It's a place to have fun, for crying out loud! Not a place to steal things!
Swearing aside.
Me, Dinda and him accompanied Farah to lodge a police report (Brickfields) about her missing stuff in the handbag and we helped her calm down.
Everything was done at around 6am - she went home with a friend who came later and 3 of us went straight home too (yes, I had to send him home, he came with Farah). Arrived home approximately around 7am++. Apa lagi, both us get to the bed as fast as we can and slept all day.
He managed to gave us his e-mail and asked us to add him up in Facebook etc..huhu
originally expressed on 9th July.
Burning Slowly
Burn slowly,
On the flame of life.
Slowly, slowly - It's a fragile dream.
Lest it may shatter;
Be careful to light the flame..
The imminent is inevitable
The sky never descends.
All I wish is to live a few moments
In the grace of your beauty.
The dreams I saw in your eyes
Continue to live in my heart.
But the edges of those dreams
Pierce my eyes.
Slowly it burns,
The flame of life.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
I didn't have anything to do yesterday so I strolled around the net and I read one of the blogs online about celebrities and gossips etc the other day, specifically a day after I watched the Transformers part II and I was - well, shocked - as I read the post about 5 confusing scenes in the movie. As I read, I found the scenes they question about are absurd! Haven't they ever heard of fiction? blah..
OK, the first one, they question about a fighting scene that took place in LA. Question - how does the US government cover this thing and make it looks like a rumor in the internet, and bagi suggestion pulak tu - kerajaan US rasuah orang2 supaya tutup mulut.
I think this one is just an accusation. Not that I'm siding the US, but, come on, takkan la semua benda yang happen dalam movie tu diorang nak masukkan? Takkan la every step of an event nak kena masuk dalam movie tu? Movie tu pun dah cukup panjang, kalo sume nak masuk tak ke jadi 4-5 jam cerita tu? Aiyo. Be relevan la. Kalo dah jadi macam tu mesti ada press conference ke apa ke yang explain sebenarnya apa yang bergaduh kat tengah2 highway LA tu. Plus, everybody knows US is the biggest liar on earth. Senang je kalo diorang nak cakap its just a prototype robot ke, military training ke, or whatever the hell is. It's simple, really. Them blogger made it so big but without further research. Dumbass.
The 2nd one said ada 2 pieces of Allspark on earth. 1 Decepticons dah curi, pastu bila Sam nak hidupkan Optimus, kenapa tak guna the other piece, sedangkan that piece ada je dalam beg Mikaela. Kenapa nak kena guna the Matrix of Leadership. Then pertikaikan pulak kehebatan Optimus. Gosh! Teruk betul! Helo.. Did they watch the movie or did they produce another movie in the hall?
I don't know whether or not they remember, but I sure do. The small piece of Allspark yang ada kat Mikaela tu diorang dah guna untuk re-activate robot yang kat muzium tu - Jetfire. (remember robot tua - one of the pioneers yang nyanyuk tu?) Ofcos la dah tak ada lagi Allspark, and the last resort is to use the Matrix. And that Matrix happened to be in a desert. Ni lagi satu, kalo ye pun nak kutuk a movie, make sure You watch that movie at least five times, baru la nak buat conclusion about flaws ke apa ke. Ad0iai..
The 3rd one is fine, they got it right I suppose. Memang Michael Bay tersalah kira. Huhu. Or maybe radar detect robot kecik yang re-activate Megatron tu. Who knows? Haha.
Nombor 4, Sam mati and pergi syurga robot. They question - robot pun ada syurga ke?
For me, its not exactly syurga, but merely as a metaphor replacing Sam's obsession.. obsession? Bukan really obsession la kot, tapi as a booster for him to keep on living and courage untuk re-activate Optimus. Tu je. Or maybe those Autobots memang ada syurga of their own since kononnya diorang ada nyawa+feelings+ada dunia sendiri. On the other hand, maybe.. all those Primes yang Sam nampak tu probably just in his mind or merely a vision of Sam being subconscious - or, yeah, unconscious. Pernah dengar? (to them blogger) Tak ada pulse, tak bermakna mati. Ever heard of brain dead? I believe in that. Memang la looks like cerita Hindustan, but then, that scene is possible in real world.
Lastly, the part where they say Bumble Bee still can't talk, and said rasanya voicebox Bumblebee dah dibaiki dalam filem yang lepas. True, memang dah fix Bumble Bee head-to-toe. Tapi, remember the scene Sam slow talk dengan Bee about college and Bee still guna radio untuk cakap denagn Sam? Mikaela kan ada tanya about Bee's voice? Sam kan dah state yang suara Bumble Bee memang dah elok, tapi dia sengaja tak mau cakap. The reason? I don't know, maybe Bee simply tak mau cakap guna suara dia - or it's much more fun to talk through the radio. Ada rhyme lagi. Haha.
Apa la, kalo pergi tengok movie just for fun, tak digest pastu nak kutuk2 the movie, aku rasa baik orang2 macam ni duduk rumah tidur je. Tak payah susah2 keluar pergi cinemas. Ramai lagi orang yang boleh pergi tengok, faham and digest the movie. Do some research la dude, sebelum nak kutuk satu2 movie tu. Akal dah pendek, pastu nak ajar orang ramai akal pendek macam them bloggers, cakap tak usul periksa. Betul la what Aqasha said in his blog. Fir'aun pun tak sombong macam they all ni. Actually, I think diorang ni bukan setakat sombong, tapi bodoh dan sombong. That's why they don't have anything else to do but cari kurap/kayap dalam kain orang. What the hell?
Memang, looking at all the comments posted banyak lagi ada flaw movie ni sebenarnya. Cuma people from different fields je yang boleh detect (eg: RMAF/engineer) but this is just a movie - for us, it's for fun. For Micael Bay and the crony, it's for money. Simple as that. So I think there's no use kalo nak cari flaw dalam satu2 movie. Jumpa flaw pun, the movie is done and they still get the big bucks! So who the hell cares? And another thing, aliens are just an imagination. Autobots and Decepticons - semua tu imagination. So, even movie ni tak berat sangat to digest, but one still need a high level of imagination to really understand this one.
p/s :: this is merely a thought from what I saw, heard and experienced. So there's really no need to dig deep down to find what's right and wrong. The movie is a success, so just sit back and enjoy!
OK, the first one, they question about a fighting scene that took place in LA. Question - how does the US government cover this thing and make it looks like a rumor in the internet, and bagi suggestion pulak tu - kerajaan US rasuah orang2 supaya tutup mulut.
I think this one is just an accusation. Not that I'm siding the US, but, come on, takkan la semua benda yang happen dalam movie tu diorang nak masukkan? Takkan la every step of an event nak kena masuk dalam movie tu? Movie tu pun dah cukup panjang, kalo sume nak masuk tak ke jadi 4-5 jam cerita tu? Aiyo. Be relevan la. Kalo dah jadi macam tu mesti ada press conference ke apa ke yang explain sebenarnya apa yang bergaduh kat tengah2 highway LA tu. Plus, everybody knows US is the biggest liar on earth. Senang je kalo diorang nak cakap its just a prototype robot ke, military training ke, or whatever the hell is. It's simple, really. Them blogger made it so big but without further research. Dumbass.
The 2nd one said ada 2 pieces of Allspark on earth. 1 Decepticons dah curi, pastu bila Sam nak hidupkan Optimus, kenapa tak guna the other piece, sedangkan that piece ada je dalam beg Mikaela. Kenapa nak kena guna the Matrix of Leadership. Then pertikaikan pulak kehebatan Optimus. Gosh! Teruk betul! Helo.. Did they watch the movie or did they produce another movie in the hall?
I don't know whether or not they remember, but I sure do. The small piece of Allspark yang ada kat Mikaela tu diorang dah guna untuk re-activate robot yang kat muzium tu - Jetfire. (remember robot tua - one of the pioneers yang nyanyuk tu?) Ofcos la dah tak ada lagi Allspark, and the last resort is to use the Matrix. And that Matrix happened to be in a desert. Ni lagi satu, kalo ye pun nak kutuk a movie, make sure You watch that movie at least five times, baru la nak buat conclusion about flaws ke apa ke. Ad0iai..
The 3rd one is fine, they got it right I suppose. Memang Michael Bay tersalah kira. Huhu. Or maybe radar detect robot kecik yang re-activate Megatron tu. Who knows? Haha.
Nombor 4, Sam mati and pergi syurga robot. They question - robot pun ada syurga ke?
For me, its not exactly syurga, but merely as a metaphor replacing Sam's obsession.. obsession? Bukan really obsession la kot, tapi as a booster for him to keep on living and courage untuk re-activate Optimus. Tu je. Or maybe those Autobots memang ada syurga of their own since kononnya diorang ada nyawa+feelings+ada dunia sendiri. On the other hand, maybe.. all those Primes yang Sam nampak tu probably just in his mind or merely a vision of Sam being subconscious - or, yeah, unconscious. Pernah dengar? (to them blogger) Tak ada pulse, tak bermakna mati. Ever heard of brain dead? I believe in that. Memang la looks like cerita Hindustan, but then, that scene is possible in real world.
Lastly, the part where they say Bumble Bee still can't talk, and said rasanya voicebox Bumblebee dah dibaiki dalam filem yang lepas. True, memang dah fix Bumble Bee head-to-toe. Tapi, remember the scene Sam slow talk dengan Bee about college and Bee still guna radio untuk cakap denagn Sam? Mikaela kan ada tanya about Bee's voice? Sam kan dah state yang suara Bumble Bee memang dah elok, tapi dia sengaja tak mau cakap. The reason? I don't know, maybe Bee simply tak mau cakap guna suara dia - or it's much more fun to talk through the radio. Ada rhyme lagi. Haha.
Apa la, kalo pergi tengok movie just for fun, tak digest pastu nak kutuk2 the movie, aku rasa baik orang2 macam ni duduk rumah tidur je. Tak payah susah2 keluar pergi cinemas. Ramai lagi orang yang boleh pergi tengok, faham and digest the movie. Do some research la dude, sebelum nak kutuk satu2 movie tu. Akal dah pendek, pastu nak ajar orang ramai akal pendek macam them bloggers, cakap tak usul periksa. Betul la what Aqasha said in his blog. Fir'aun pun tak sombong macam they all ni. Actually, I think diorang ni bukan setakat sombong, tapi bodoh dan sombong. That's why they don't have anything else to do but cari kurap/kayap dalam kain orang. What the hell?
Memang, looking at all the comments posted banyak lagi ada flaw movie ni sebenarnya. Cuma people from different fields je yang boleh detect (eg: RMAF/engineer) but this is just a movie - for us, it's for fun. For Micael Bay and the crony, it's for money. Simple as that. So I think there's no use kalo nak cari flaw dalam satu2 movie. Jumpa flaw pun, the movie is done and they still get the big bucks! So who the hell cares? And another thing, aliens are just an imagination. Autobots and Decepticons - semua tu imagination. So, even movie ni tak berat sangat to digest, but one still need a high level of imagination to really understand this one.
p/s :: this is merely a thought from what I saw, heard and experienced. So there's really no need to dig deep down to find what's right and wrong. The movie is a success, so just sit back and enjoy!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Cerah Putih Datangnya Seri
There's actually nothing much to write hari ni, since aku tak buat apa2 kat rumah. Menghabiskan masa mengadap lappie je. So, aku terfikir nak post benda alah ni. Not to say a poem or anything, merely some sort of a feeling I had back in Perlis and aku pun tak tau macam mana boleh jadi benda ni. Tapi it's just an expression, even though aku ni takdelah religious sangat. Huhu.
Saat mata terpejam
Hati rapat ditutup
Hijab gelap meredup kalbu
Jalanan jatuhnya pasir hidup, tanpa arah lurus
Muncul sang cahaya,
Biar malap tak berseri
Walau jauh dari diri
Tangan menjangkau cuba
Ingin hati menggapai secebis
Cahaya itu yang tinggalnya
Kesan jauh dalam ke jiwa
Petanda yang diberi Kamu
Suara yang menggema sedar
Aura menggegar kuatnya raga
Buat aku terpana, akan
Besarnya kuasa yang ada
Meliputi segala apa
Harus bagaimana? Ku cuba
Meletak derap langkah
Membersih hati bernanah
Merawat jiwa redup melanda
Pohonku setiap jenguknya suria
Agar menghindar hitam gelita
Cerah putih datangnya seri
Pada-Mu Maha segala
Pintaku selurusnya jalan menghadap
Originally expressed;
June 30, 3.36 AM.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Alone, cigarettes and single. Single..
Hari ni official lah kiranya aku start hari tinggal sorang2 kat KL. Mum's up in Perlis, Baby east coast Kuantan. Aku je sorang kat sini kematu tak ada ahli keluarga (yang terdekat la). Lepas hantar Baby kat stesen bas pagi tadi aku tak sambung tidur pun. Ntah naik gila apa layan cerita Hindustan dari balik tu sampai la ke petang (dulu arwah Pak Lang selalu cakap gila iseng, aku ni nak naik iseng la kot).
Now that aku duduk rumah ni sorang2, rasa lost sangat when it comes to coming back. Bila dah keluar tu rasa macam tak mau balik - kalau sebelum ni Mama ada dok suruh aku balik cepat la, jangan keluar malam sangat la dan macam2 lagi quote dia, now it feels like there's no point returning home. There's nobody; only me, TV kaler hijau and my lappie. Sunyi betul rasanya bila balik rumah. Dah la single. Oops, single? Mm, hopelessly and pathetically single. Macam fobia dengan perkataan tu pun ada. Takut tak berteman, bermanja, sayang+kasih+cinta. Senang cerita tak mau alone lah! Tapi single best jugak, flirting activity is in the air! Heheheh.
Bak kata Robbie Williams -
Rasa macam nak ikut Mama pergi Perlis pun ada, macam nak suruh dia balik stay KL je pun ada. Adoi, feels like baru lepas putus cinta pulak. Huhu.
Plus, since Mama balik Perlis+Baby balik Kuantan aku semakin ketagih Semporna kaler hijau. Lepas sebatang, sebatang aku habiskan (teringat time2 melara. Aih..). Makan pun aku tak peduli, layan lappie dengan Semporna je kerja aku sehari suntuk. Serupa macam 4 bulan dulu la. Hopeless betul!
Layan punya layan Hindustan it occured to me that aku tak tengok Transformers part 2 lagi. Aiya, patutnya awal2 keluar lagi dah tengok - ni dah sampai naik kempunan belum tengok2 lagi. Sesudah berpikir panjang, aku decide nak pergi tengok kat Mid Valley je sorang2. Dah tak tahan nak tengok Bumble Bee+Optimus Prime. Tapi in the end aku pergi tengok kat The Summit USJ dengan Nazmi. Hai, kawan aku sorang tu..
But then Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen tu memang tersangatlah best. This time, more humor+values instilled compared to the 1st one. Memang enjoy habis! Especially kawan Sam+robot kembar tu. Sedih jugak tengok Optimus mati, tapi aku tau, selagi ada cube+energon gerenti Optimus bleh recharge balik (paling cuak time Sam tak ada pulse. Confirm menyampah kalau dia mati. Hehe).
Habis wayang, pergi makan sekejap kat Restoran Anggerik (rasanya nama tu la) then sembang2 je dengan kawan aku sorang tu. Matang jugak dia sebenarnya, aku ingat sengal memanjang je. (Nazmi kalau ko baca jangan marah ek!) Hehe. At some point, aku terfikir - why the hell don't I fall in love with this guy? Ciri2 lelaki sedarah dah ada, aku kenal pun dah lama, baik hati. Ntah la, aku sendiri tak pasti kenapa hati aku tak terbukak untuk dia. Aih! tak mau lah! biar je hubungan aku dengan dia kekal best friends sampai bila2! Senang, dua2 hapi, tak makan hati!
--Or maybe aku dah lama ada crush kat dia, cuma aku kept on denying myself to him. Maybe aku tak nak hilang dia kalau we all couple, pastu hit a wall, gaduh3, break off and terus drift away from each other. Maybe aku still takut dengan idea building a relationship after what has happened to me last few months. Well, only The Almighty knows what lies ahead for me. Bagi aku, gamble je la sape pun. Yang penting aku hapi, semua hapi.
Now that aku duduk rumah ni sorang2, rasa lost sangat when it comes to coming back. Bila dah keluar tu rasa macam tak mau balik - kalau sebelum ni Mama ada dok suruh aku balik cepat la, jangan keluar malam sangat la dan macam2 lagi quote dia, now it feels like there's no point returning home. There's nobody; only me, TV kaler hijau and my lappie. Sunyi betul rasanya bila balik rumah. Dah la single. Oops, single? Mm, hopelessly and pathetically single. Macam fobia dengan perkataan tu pun ada. Takut tak berteman, bermanja, sayang+kasih+cinta. Senang cerita tak mau alone lah! Tapi single best jugak, flirting activity is in the air! Heheheh.
Bak kata Robbie Williams -
I just wanna feel real love
feel the home that I live in
'Cos I got too much love
running through my veins going to waste..
Rasa macam nak ikut Mama pergi Perlis pun ada, macam nak suruh dia balik stay KL je pun ada. Adoi, feels like baru lepas putus cinta pulak. Huhu.
Plus, since Mama balik Perlis+Baby balik Kuantan aku semakin ketagih Semporna kaler hijau. Lepas sebatang, sebatang aku habiskan (teringat time2 melara. Aih..). Makan pun aku tak peduli, layan lappie dengan Semporna je kerja aku sehari suntuk. Serupa macam 4 bulan dulu la. Hopeless betul!
Layan punya layan Hindustan it occured to me that aku tak tengok Transformers part 2 lagi. Aiya, patutnya awal2 keluar lagi dah tengok - ni dah sampai naik kempunan belum tengok2 lagi. Sesudah berpikir panjang, aku decide nak pergi tengok kat Mid Valley je sorang2. Dah tak tahan nak tengok Bumble Bee+Optimus Prime. Tapi in the end aku pergi tengok kat The Summit USJ dengan Nazmi. Hai, kawan aku sorang tu..
But then Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen tu memang tersangatlah best. This time, more humor+values instilled compared to the 1st one. Memang enjoy habis! Especially kawan Sam+robot kembar tu. Sedih jugak tengok Optimus mati, tapi aku tau, selagi ada cube+energon gerenti Optimus bleh recharge balik (paling cuak time Sam tak ada pulse. Confirm menyampah kalau dia mati. Hehe).
Habis wayang, pergi makan sekejap kat Restoran Anggerik (rasanya nama tu la) then sembang2 je dengan kawan aku sorang tu. Matang jugak dia sebenarnya, aku ingat sengal memanjang je. (Nazmi kalau ko baca jangan marah ek!) Hehe. At some point, aku terfikir - why the hell don't I fall in love with this guy? Ciri2 lelaki sedarah dah ada, aku kenal pun dah lama, baik hati. Ntah la, aku sendiri tak pasti kenapa hati aku tak terbukak untuk dia. Aih! tak mau lah! biar je hubungan aku dengan dia kekal best friends sampai bila2! Senang, dua2 hapi, tak makan hati!
--Or maybe aku dah lama ada crush kat dia, cuma aku kept on denying myself to him. Maybe aku tak nak hilang dia kalau we all couple, pastu hit a wall, gaduh3, break off and terus drift away from each other. Maybe aku still takut dengan idea building a relationship after what has happened to me last few months. Well, only The Almighty knows what lies ahead for me. Bagi aku, gamble je la sape pun. Yang penting aku hapi, semua hapi.
QUE SERA SERA.
Whatever happens, happens.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wira Oh Wira
Tak tau kenapa hari ni terasa nk tulis dalam BM pulak. Maybe sebab dah banyak post aku tulis dalam English, or terpengaruh dengan blog2 orang lain yang aku baca.huhu.
Hari ni Mama dah gerak pergi Perlis. Sayu pulak bila Mama dah pergi. I'll be here alone, alone, totally alone kat dalam rumah besar ni. Baby plak dah nak balik Kuantan esok pagi, tak tau la nak buat apa esok sorang2. Nak harapkan Dinda, takkan nak berkepit dengan dia 24/7 kot. Mesti dia pun ada plan lain dengan kawan2 dia. Aduiai, rasa macam casted away from family pulak.huhu.
Anyway, hari ni pergi Mid Valley dengan Baby. Said nak beli baju+seluar sebelum balik Kuantan. Cari punya cari, at last dia beli seluar kat Giordano je. Dalam pukul 10 nak balik dah, Wira pulak buat hal - tak boleh nak ignite. Nak kata cuak/panik tu takdelah, tapi more like tak tau nak buat apa. Baby suruh cari sekuriti, tapi aku suruh dia balik. Sporting pulak dia nak mencari orang. Kalau tak, liat je nak tegur orang.
Baby tegur ada la sorang Bangla ke Nepal ke aku tak tau la. Tanya dia mana sekuriti tup2 ada dorang brader ni lalu. Dia pergi la approach brader tu. Brader tu bawak kitorang pergi concierge kat area bayar parking. Tunggu mekanik kat situ dalam 10mins then ada la sorang pak cik ni datang. Cakap2 sikit pastu dia nak pergi kat kereta la. Dalam pada tu ada la pulak sorang mamat ni datang kat kaunter concierge tu cakap pasal apa tah. takdela hot, tapi muka dia sangat cumil+sweet. Sekali pandang lekat pulak mata ni kat muka dia. Nasib baik sempat cover pandang si Baby. Dalam dok tengah trouble tu sempat jugak aku nak menggatal. Sejak aku single ni galak pulak mata aku ni mencari si kumbang. Nak cari pengganti kot. Hehe.
Then pak cik ni bawak kitorang pergi kat Wira hampeh tu nak jump guna kereta dia (cap Mid Valley la). Lepas tu pak cik yang nama dia Hassan ni tengok2 isi perut Wira tu dia cakap kepala positif bateri kereta dah longgar, kena tukar, kalau tak pun letak aluminium buat lapik so bagi ketat balik kepala bateri tu. Dia cakap sebab kepala tu longgar yang kereta tu tak boleh start. Then dia godek2 bateri tu, dia letak a piece of kuprum/aluminium (kaler copper) kat kepala bateri pastu ketuk2 sampai rapat. Dalam dok mem-pomen tu sempat jugak pak cik Hassan ni recommend workshop dia kat Batu Caves - dalam hati aku niat nak hantar Kancil nanti kat pak cik ni, mengenang jasa dia tolong aku.. Huhu.
Lepas semua dah OK aku dengan Baby balik rumah hati lega sebab pak cik tu tolong kitorang, even tu memang kerja dia tapi still, nak jugak dia tolong. I think he was sincere when he helped us. Sebab tu dia buat semua tu. Terima kasih banyak2 pak cik Hassan from Mid Valley.
Dah 3 hari headache tak mau hilang since balik dari Perlis haritu. Tak tau la kenapa. Owww...sakit kepala...
Hari ni Mama dah gerak pergi Perlis. Sayu pulak bila Mama dah pergi. I'll be here alone, alone, totally alone kat dalam rumah besar ni. Baby plak dah nak balik Kuantan esok pagi, tak tau la nak buat apa esok sorang2. Nak harapkan Dinda, takkan nak berkepit dengan dia 24/7 kot. Mesti dia pun ada plan lain dengan kawan2 dia. Aduiai, rasa macam casted away from family pulak.huhu.
Anyway, hari ni pergi Mid Valley dengan Baby. Said nak beli baju+seluar sebelum balik Kuantan. Cari punya cari, at last dia beli seluar kat Giordano je. Dalam pukul 10 nak balik dah, Wira pulak buat hal - tak boleh nak ignite. Nak kata cuak/panik tu takdelah, tapi more like tak tau nak buat apa. Baby suruh cari sekuriti, tapi aku suruh dia balik. Sporting pulak dia nak mencari orang. Kalau tak, liat je nak tegur orang.
Baby tegur ada la sorang Bangla ke Nepal ke aku tak tau la. Tanya dia mana sekuriti tup2 ada dorang brader ni lalu. Dia pergi la approach brader tu. Brader tu bawak kitorang pergi concierge kat area bayar parking. Tunggu mekanik kat situ dalam 10mins then ada la sorang pak cik ni datang. Cakap2 sikit pastu dia nak pergi kat kereta la. Dalam pada tu ada la pulak sorang mamat ni datang kat kaunter concierge tu cakap pasal apa tah. takdela hot, tapi muka dia sangat cumil+sweet. Sekali pandang lekat pulak mata ni kat muka dia. Nasib baik sempat cover pandang si Baby. Dalam dok tengah trouble tu sempat jugak aku nak menggatal. Sejak aku single ni galak pulak mata aku ni mencari si kumbang. Nak cari pengganti kot. Hehe.
Then pak cik ni bawak kitorang pergi kat Wira hampeh tu nak jump guna kereta dia (cap Mid Valley la). Lepas tu pak cik yang nama dia Hassan ni tengok2 isi perut Wira tu dia cakap kepala positif bateri kereta dah longgar, kena tukar, kalau tak pun letak aluminium buat lapik so bagi ketat balik kepala bateri tu. Dia cakap sebab kepala tu longgar yang kereta tu tak boleh start. Then dia godek2 bateri tu, dia letak a piece of kuprum/aluminium (kaler copper) kat kepala bateri pastu ketuk2 sampai rapat. Dalam dok mem-pomen tu sempat jugak pak cik Hassan ni recommend workshop dia kat Batu Caves - dalam hati aku niat nak hantar Kancil nanti kat pak cik ni, mengenang jasa dia tolong aku.. Huhu.
Lepas semua dah OK aku dengan Baby balik rumah hati lega sebab pak cik tu tolong kitorang, even tu memang kerja dia tapi still, nak jugak dia tolong. I think he was sincere when he helped us. Sebab tu dia buat semua tu. Terima kasih banyak2 pak cik Hassan from Mid Valley.
Dah 3 hari headache tak mau hilang since balik dari Perlis haritu. Tak tau la kenapa. Owww...sakit kepala...
RIP King of Pop Michael Jackson
The man who triggered interest in moonwalking,
May Lord be with thou leaving,
Thy name will always be green in all reminiscing,
Live thou immortally through voice and melody long as there is a living.
May Lord be with thou leaving,
Thy name will always be green in all reminiscing,
Live thou immortally through voice and melody long as there is a living.
RIP dear Michael Jackson.
A Person I Watched and Waited Since School
I first watched him in a telemovie (I guess) when I was a child (perhaps primary school, when I was about 11 or 12) and I immediately fell in love with this one. I didn't even watch that telemovie start-to-end, just glimpses.. or maybe parts of it. But I did remember to catch his name at the end of the telemovie. After that, I sort of lost him from TV - no telemovies, no ads, no series, don't even bother to mention movies! I waited for his comeback on screen but he never showed up. Maybe he wasn't on TV, or maybe I didn't check properly whether he was on or not.
Then, there was this time when he actually played a role in a telemovie (or series) as an unfilial son. It was like - heaven, when I saw him. Then - again, I lost him (from the TV la). So I kept on waiting and waiting. For years! I wonder where did he go? I can't seem to find him anywhere on TV back then. I didn't know where to find him - either on TV or the net. Don't let me start with Astro, I never knew Astro until I was in high school! So zaman batu. Huhu. So I can't really look for him in there.
As I grow up, I still remember him - as someone who kind of disappeared from TV for quite a long time; until one day I saw him in one of the series on TV3. Unfortunately I can't stick to the series since I don't have a TV back in my hostel room. Damn Uni! Short after came along the movies - those movies where he was in, but not as a lead.
Well, not as a lead is OK for me long as I can watch him and put me - somehow a little away from the misery of craving to see him. Still, I have a few movies that have him in it that I haven't watched yet. Will find any DVDs or VCDs anywhere available and make a collection. Man, I'm totally head over heels for this guy!
Actually, I have met him - not really met; me and my sister sort of saw him and he noticed us looking at him. I didn't recognize him at first - he wore a pair of nerd glasses (huge black frame) with a hat (or a cap, I don't recall) but my sister said he was the one from the TV. We looked at each other for quite a moment and then stared (yeah, we smiled also) at him for a while and he just passed through the crowd. I hope there's going to be a deja vu for that incident. Lord please let it happen again.. Hehe.
**Now that he's one of the most hottest male star, everybody seems to put a little extra attention to him. I feel kind of jealous. Yep, jealous! Hell yeah I'm jealous! I discovered him - well, not to say discovered; but more to knowing him even when he was 16 man! Gosh! Yang baru2 kenal this guy ni dah mengaku fanatic la, #1 fan la, mad about him la and lotsa other craps! Dare I say that I am his #1 fan. Why? Cos, boy, have I waited so very long for him to appear on TV or movies! So to all those who watched Bohsia/Syurga Cinta/Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak and claim themselves as his #1 fan, you guys (or should I say girls) are just full of shit!
Ter-emo la pulak. Eheh.. :p But then, who gives a damn about it eh?
Then, there was this time when he actually played a role in a telemovie (or series) as an unfilial son. It was like - heaven, when I saw him. Then - again, I lost him (from the TV la). So I kept on waiting and waiting. For years! I wonder where did he go? I can't seem to find him anywhere on TV back then. I didn't know where to find him - either on TV or the net. Don't let me start with Astro, I never knew Astro until I was in high school! So zaman batu. Huhu. So I can't really look for him in there.
As I grow up, I still remember him - as someone who kind of disappeared from TV for quite a long time; until one day I saw him in one of the series on TV3. Unfortunately I can't stick to the series since I don't have a TV back in my hostel room. Damn Uni! Short after came along the movies - those movies where he was in, but not as a lead.
Well, not as a lead is OK for me long as I can watch him and put me - somehow a little away from the misery of craving to see him. Still, I have a few movies that have him in it that I haven't watched yet. Will find any DVDs or VCDs anywhere available and make a collection. Man, I'm totally head over heels for this guy!
Actually, I have met him - not really met; me and my sister sort of saw him and he noticed us looking at him. I didn't recognize him at first - he wore a pair of nerd glasses (huge black frame) with a hat (or a cap, I don't recall) but my sister said he was the one from the TV. We looked at each other for quite a moment and then stared (yeah, we smiled also) at him for a while and he just passed through the crowd. I hope there's going to be a deja vu for that incident. Lord please let it happen again.. Hehe.
**Now that he's one of the most hottest male star, everybody seems to put a little extra attention to him. I feel kind of jealous. Yep, jealous! Hell yeah I'm jealous! I discovered him - well, not to say discovered; but more to knowing him even when he was 16 man! Gosh! Yang baru2 kenal this guy ni dah mengaku fanatic la, #1 fan la, mad about him la and lotsa other craps! Dare I say that I am his #1 fan. Why? Cos, boy, have I waited so very long for him to appear on TV or movies! So to all those who watched Bohsia/Syurga Cinta/Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak and claim themselves as his #1 fan, you guys (or should I say girls) are just full of shit!
Ter-emo la pulak. Eheh.. :p But then, who gives a damn about it eh?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
That Particular Dream
It was night..perhaps at dusk when I was busy putting on my praying clothes. At the time I looked at my reflection in the mirror, checking if there is any strands of hair, I saw a hand over my head, its finger pointing at a strand in the mirror, quite hairy, the hand I saw, I may say - touching my forehead. It startled me so I turned back to see whose hand was it - there he was, standing tall before me looked at me straight in the eyes and giving me the sweetest smile ever. Fireworks in my chest as well as a mountain of happiness in me,being able to see him flesh and blood. The sight of him reminds me of how much I've been missing him all my life since he went away that I couldn't even remember. We sat together with me still in my praying clothes and he before me. I stared at him while he looked at me - both of us were filled with bliss and joy. We talked and talked and talked like we used to do back in our old times at home when I lived with him. I needed to go to the toilet, we both knew that, but I sat there still, and he didn't say a word about that, as if he never noticed about that. We just kept talking, about happy-happy stuff; only those things that brings smile to our faces. Long did it go until I don't know when and how it ended...
June 17, I dreamt of my father coming to visit me thinking about how he came to me, I kinda realised that maybe this was a sign from The Greatest making me think that this maybe a kickstart for me to start putting myself closer to The Almighty. Dear Lord, nobody knows how I miss him. Only Thee and me.
June 17, I dreamt of my father coming to visit me thinking about how he came to me, I kinda realised that maybe this was a sign from The Greatest making me think that this maybe a kickstart for me to start putting myself closer to The Almighty. Dear Lord, nobody knows how I miss him. Only Thee and me.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Coldness That Freezes Bones
Just then he said he wanted to be friends with all but he did exactly the opposite. Heart was coming to a nice piece he turned it back to ashes, in split seconds flat. Flame was heating up inside he turned it to biting ice cold. Love learns bloom again he turned it to dry, lonesome, barren. With him around, it eases the pain and lifts the heart. Talking together instil laughs and smiles. Really thought I he could bring back all happiness and bliss. Heart says he could light up the faded hue in the eyes. How he could be the person I love all my life. How he could be the person I want to sing my feelings with. How he could be the person I devote all feelings inside.
I see him as a man with a kind heart. And I thought he was a very nice person. Blindly love grows to his features, forget all the flaws. Taught myself did I, search deeper than external so the Crimson feel remains eternal. Him to be the one, my last one of all I long for. Want to hold him high and lift his pain away. Wishing I he sings love songs to and honest with. Thought he could be the one I think of before falling asleep. Dream he would hand flower bouquet and speak of love. Crave for touch of his fingertips on bare skin and parting lips come together. Hope for a Garden of bliss in journey of life with him.
Does he have so much love in him that it never seems enough for him to share with only one person? Is the love so big that he has got to pour it to all the people around him? Does he enjoy hurting feelings that are for him? The tears for him, does he count them? He grows love and then kills it cold-heartedly? He calls here Love, another Dear, the other Darling? Must be mirth for him to tell lies and make fool of all. Is it joyful for him to watch breaking hearts? How it is easy for him to mutter sorry and offer friendship, when he knows the barren heart is trying to bloom with spring. He strikes lightning and blows storms thus making heart wounded and weather in heart is not gay no more; for all ever left is black, broken, empty heart.
Shall I call love Absurdity?
Shall I treat love Harshly?
Shall I see love Despicably?
Must all I feel is Pain; in love?
How fooled was I by a creature named man. Every other time.
Here, in blackest night of all the silent woods stand still and watch
Tears flooding on wet face; faunas stop chirp and listen to quiet cry
Along with coldness that freezes bones.
I see him as a man with a kind heart. And I thought he was a very nice person. Blindly love grows to his features, forget all the flaws. Taught myself did I, search deeper than external so the Crimson feel remains eternal. Him to be the one, my last one of all I long for. Want to hold him high and lift his pain away. Wishing I he sings love songs to and honest with. Thought he could be the one I think of before falling asleep. Dream he would hand flower bouquet and speak of love. Crave for touch of his fingertips on bare skin and parting lips come together. Hope for a Garden of bliss in journey of life with him.
Does he have so much love in him that it never seems enough for him to share with only one person? Is the love so big that he has got to pour it to all the people around him? Does he enjoy hurting feelings that are for him? The tears for him, does he count them? He grows love and then kills it cold-heartedly? He calls here Love, another Dear, the other Darling? Must be mirth for him to tell lies and make fool of all. Is it joyful for him to watch breaking hearts? How it is easy for him to mutter sorry and offer friendship, when he knows the barren heart is trying to bloom with spring. He strikes lightning and blows storms thus making heart wounded and weather in heart is not gay no more; for all ever left is black, broken, empty heart.
Shall I call love Absurdity?
Shall I treat love Harshly?
Shall I see love Despicably?
Must all I feel is Pain; in love?
How fooled was I by a creature named man. Every other time.
Here, in blackest night of all the silent woods stand still and watch
Tears flooding on wet face; faunas stop chirp and listen to quiet cry
Along with coldness that freezes bones.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Promise
Ready.
Are all we ready, prepared?
A journey, some called this -
Agree had I with - a journey life indeed
Facing the inevitable - inescapable
Certain moment where
The very last grain in
Hourglass falls
Breaths away does it take- leaving
Corpses lying..
A certainty us search for of what
Lies ahead - eternity.
Afford, are we of flames?
Of tortures along thus hellfire itself
Do we bear?
O sweet Paradise. How
To live in the
Wonderful allowed - are we even to see?
How then -
In God’s eyes, the life lived we?
Resentful?
Obey?
Worst?
Awaits..
Promise from The Mighty for
All living.
Are all we ready, prepared?
A journey, some called this -
Agree had I with - a journey life indeed
Facing the inevitable - inescapable
Certain moment where
The very last grain in
Hourglass falls
Breaths away does it take- leaving
Corpses lying..
A certainty us search for of what
Lies ahead - eternity.
Afford, are we of flames?
Of tortures along thus hellfire itself
Do we bear?
O sweet Paradise. How
To live in the
Wonderful allowed - are we even to see?
How then -
In God’s eyes, the life lived we?
Resentful?
Obey?
Worst?
Awaits..
Promise from The Mighty for
All living.
i love thee
I shall never let go
Lingering is what i desire
One blink of a moment, how the
Valley of running faces of thee
Every space of red heart of mine – thou art
Tender touch that arouses
How I long for thee – fill my senses!
Each moment - shall be in me til
Every petal falls from every rose
Lingering is what i desire
One blink of a moment, how the
Valley of running faces of thee
Every space of red heart of mine – thou art
Tender touch that arouses
How I long for thee – fill my senses!
Each moment - shall be in me til
Every petal falls from every rose
Shall I Ever Weep?
The bygone is bygone
Steadfast is sand of life
Leaving thus, a life, wasted
How shall I know when death is?
Not welcoming nor running
From destiny
As crimson of life breathes
Alive
Thou’ve gone far as Heaven
Leaves sorrow, tears upon heart
Why not stars, thee? Still.
Shall’t never change,
As I behold, beauty
Voice of nightingale in the woods
Forever shall thou embrace,
Love of a child
Awaits, the wings of God
For mortal it is men.
Shall I ever weep?
Steadfast is sand of life
Leaving thus, a life, wasted
How shall I know when death is?
Not welcoming nor running
From destiny
As crimson of life breathes
Alive
Thou’ve gone far as Heaven
Leaves sorrow, tears upon heart
Why not stars, thee? Still.
Shall’t never change,
As I behold, beauty
Voice of nightingale in the woods
Forever shall thou embrace,
Love of a child
Awaits, the wings of God
For mortal it is men.
Shall I ever weep?
bleed
i dont know how i did not learn from my past failure. i open my heart so easily to a person just because im comfortable with him and that being with him helps me forget my previous, even for such a short time. when i ask him for an answer, he said he was not ready and was too afraid of losing. he still is now. so i told him that its ok if he's not ready and i wont put much hope on him. but the truth is that i face another rejection-another failure. maybe i was being impatient. maybe he was still haunted of the pain of losing. maybe.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Fallen To Stony Ground
Someone told me that he's getting engaged with someone, and here I am, still alone..
Wondering, 1 question pops up after another. How much love have I poured in the relationship, for him, yet I still can't get ahold of the one I want.
He made me walk away, and yes; I'm walking away from him. Far, far away so I can mend this bleed, put back all those returned broken pieces to its place.
I still dream of him, for what? I don't understand the meaning of this! I don't even know why he still lingers! Letting go is the hardest part for me to do, but I realize, this will be the best part of it when I get over it.
I just hope the best for both of them (that's the least I could do) and that he could change into a better person for the lady. I don't want her to end up like me - left alone bleeding and bleeding with endless pain. Instead, I want him to feel however I felt when I busted him cheating on me! I wish he would eventually know how it feels like to be dumped, fooled, cheated on, hurt and may you learn what exactly is pain!
Although I hate her for hooking up with him when he was mine, really, it is his fault because he was the one who wanted to cheat on me. Not with one, but a lot of them girls! Damn you my ex! Argh!
Wondering, 1 question pops up after another. How much love have I poured in the relationship, for him, yet I still can't get ahold of the one I want.
He made me walk away, and yes; I'm walking away from him. Far, far away so I can mend this bleed, put back all those returned broken pieces to its place.
I still dream of him, for what? I don't understand the meaning of this! I don't even know why he still lingers! Letting go is the hardest part for me to do, but I realize, this will be the best part of it when I get over it.
I just hope the best for both of them (that's the least I could do) and that he could change into a better person for the lady. I don't want her to end up like me - left alone bleeding and bleeding with endless pain. Instead, I want him to feel however I felt when I busted him cheating on me! I wish he would eventually know how it feels like to be dumped, fooled, cheated on, hurt and may you learn what exactly is pain!
Although I hate her for hooking up with him when he was mine, really, it is his fault because he was the one who wanted to cheat on me. Not with one, but a lot of them girls! Damn you my ex! Argh!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Broken
I provoked him until up to that extent where I didn't remember the start and end. Later that day I went to see Yem, then to Klang - to see Skye and his friends; he invited me to a karok and I brought my Dinda.
I screamed all my lungs out - this person hating and loving him deeply at the same time makes it hurt even more for me. He made me walk away by cheating on me, many a drop of tears linger every night.
I keep pushing myself to walk away and leave all sweet memories behind.
Damn painful.
I screamed all my lungs out - this person hating and loving him deeply at the same time makes it hurt even more for me. He made me walk away by cheating on me, many a drop of tears linger every night.
I keep pushing myself to walk away and leave all sweet memories behind.
Damn painful.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
2009 - Bad Start
How I was fooled by some guy, I loved him so much that it really hurts and kills me! I gave him everything I could, everything!
He cheated on me just because I'm too sensitive! He can't take it that I'm easily touched at heart and all the mood swings! Actually those mood swings I have is nothing compared to those cases that need attention! And him? He's just don't want to take it! I think he's not emotionally healty, since he can't handle me - or.. he's just not up to the challenge of handling emo-freak like me! Hah! What a weako!
I stood upon and bear his temper, ego and all the foul languages, his selfishness and all - but he can't take my sensitivity! I'm walking away - from all the things I have with him. All the memories! And all the love.. I want to go to a place so far away that he can never find me anymore!
I don't want to hate him, just giving me my own time to heal from the crash. I really fall hard and hit stony ground. But somehow, somewhere deep inside, I'm glad that we're done! I don't have to put up with all his temper and selfishness anymore!
I'm going to be a better person now. Thank and Praise be Almighty for showing me that he's not the one for me.
--Or else..well, easy. A whole lotta crying, begging (me to him), swearing and bossing (him to me) for the rest of my life! And really, I am free as a bird in the sky!
Though I still can't let him go. Hukhuk..
He cheated on me just because I'm too sensitive! He can't take it that I'm easily touched at heart and all the mood swings! Actually those mood swings I have is nothing compared to those cases that need attention! And him? He's just don't want to take it! I think he's not emotionally healty, since he can't handle me - or.. he's just not up to the challenge of handling emo-freak like me! Hah! What a weako!
I stood upon and bear his temper, ego and all the foul languages, his selfishness and all - but he can't take my sensitivity! I'm walking away - from all the things I have with him. All the memories! And all the love.. I want to go to a place so far away that he can never find me anymore!
I don't want to hate him, just giving me my own time to heal from the crash. I really fall hard and hit stony ground. But somehow, somewhere deep inside, I'm glad that we're done! I don't have to put up with all his temper and selfishness anymore!
I'm going to be a better person now. Thank and Praise be Almighty for showing me that he's not the one for me.
--Or else..well, easy. A whole lotta crying, begging (me to him), swearing and bossing (him to me) for the rest of my life! And really, I am free as a bird in the sky!
Though I still can't let him go. Hukhuk..
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