I wonder.
Aku selalu tanya diri sendiri, cukup kuat ke aku nak teruskan perjalanan dengan kamu? Building a stable, mutual relationship is never easy. Mesti kena ada persefahaman yang tinggi, give and take, sabar, etc etc. Can I, can we afford that?
Aku fikir sendiri.
June 10, 2011. I left.
June 12, 2011. I returned the rings.
June 13, 2011. It was over.
I closed my eyes, consoled my heart, and I thought to myself that this may be the best for us. Love? I had to give it up. I walked, forcing myself to keep walking and look straight ahead, don't look back. Painful, it was. Very.
I know, all the things that we worked together, all our efforts, all the time spent in building a home in each other's heart was put to a stop, crumbled.
And I know, when you said I was being too harsh when I opted for leaving instead of looking for a space to tell you what's in my heart, it was true. I did that. But, knowing our relationship, I know, it wouldn't work with words.
I know, it stabbed your heart, but I thought it was for the best. For both of us. You knew this.
It was never easy. You were my everything. My hero, my mentor, my philosopher, my pillow, my guide, everything. But I know that I had to. I just had to.
July 15, 2011. You returned.
In the middle of the night, you came to me and pulled me into your arms. Honestly? I really miss you big hug! But when I pushed you away, I know, I shouldn't put hopes too high on you. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. Many things! Because I'm afraid. Because don't want to be crying alone anymore. No, I hate that.
But I know too, you're my biggest weakness. When you knelt down before me, holding me tight, with those dear eyes that I've always miss, I can't help it. And when you were willing to plead to have me back into your arms, I know it was from the bottom of your heart. At least, that's what I thought.
Like I said, I do love you. I do care about you. But unfortunately the spark, the butterflies; they're no longer in my heart. I don't feel the goosebumps when you touch me, I don't feel the rolling thunder to my fingertips when we kiss, it's not there. No more electric jolts. Not the way it used to be.
Frankly. I'm afraid. Of many things.
What if I can't love you like before?
What if you leave?
What if we change our minds?
What if we fight and hurt each other again?
What if? What if?
Because God always tests us servants.
I need to feel safe. I need guarantee that you won't break my heart again. I need to know that the same old drama won't repeat.
How to build our relation again?
How will you make me trust you again?
How to get closer to God?
How to keep this relation safe from influences out there?
How to love each other more as time goes?
How about our financial security?
I have so many questions. I hope you have the answers.
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