Bila Penipu Berlagak Jujur

Orang kata trust macam cermin. Sekali pecah, kalau cantum balik, reflection takkan sama macam sebelumnya.

Masalah aku yang paling besar; aku mudah percaya kat orang. Be it anybody, bila aku selesa dengan dia, aku akan mudah percaya even bukan 100%.

Tadi aku tengok gambar kau berpeluk dengan kawan baik kau. Mesranya sampai berpeluk2! Sayangnya kau kat kawan baik kau tu kan? Sampai berpeluk sakan. Kawan kau pun suka kau peluk dia. Senyum je dia. Suka lah, berjaya buat aku tinggalkan kau & dia dapat kau totally untuk dia. Tak payah nak share2 dengan aku. Honestly, aku rasa macam nak baling kamera tu bagi bersepai. Baru puas hati aku. Panas!

Tapi nak buat apa, kan? Rugi je kamera mahal2 lingkup.

Jujur aku cakap, memang dulu aku tengok dia bukan apa2 untuk kita. Tapi lama2 aku tengok dia makin melampau. Buat kau sesuka hati dia. Aku tau, kau tu kawan yang caring lah, ambik berat lah. Tapi takkan ambik berat sampai kau nak peluk betina laknat tu? Kawan2 jantan kau sentuh pun tak! Konon, anggap dia macam adik lelaki kau. Adik lelaki orang tak peluk lah! Bebal ke apa?

OK. Whatever it is, point aku is that betina laknat yang kau sayang2 tu penipu besar! Kau tu buta!

Panggil aku jealous freak, tapi bila aku kata aku tak suka betina tu, aku tak suka! Aku takkan terima dia balik sebagai kawan. Takkan. Kau sendiri panggil dia pondan, maknanya dia tak sejantan mana macam yang dia canang2kan. Sejak dari awal aku rapat dengan ko dulu betina, aku dah tangkap kau menipu. Minum kopi, tapi bila aku tanya balik, ko kata ko tak minum kopi? WTF? Who are you fooling here, bitch? Aku bukan 5 tahun. Aku bukan kawan2 kau yang kau boleh kencing sesuka hati.

Banyak kali aku tengok kau menipu. Apa kau dapat dengan menipu? Kau dapat win hati tunang aku, kau dapat buat dia tunduk kat segala kehendak kau?

Aku tengok profile kau. Aku mengaku. Call me a stalker, or whatever you want. After all, mostly people stalk on that social network web. Sape je yang tak stalk? Kau? Berenti la menipu. Segala apa yang kau bagitau aku, semua aku ingat. So don't lie. You're busted the second you do.

Kau amik masa dia, kau tarik perhatian dia, kau kikis duit dia, kau kata kau jujur? Pergi mampus! Jujur my ass! Kau memang slick la, serius. Aku ingat hati kau baik, tapi rupanya kau punya agenda terbaik! Memang aku tertipu dengan kau. Ramai pun tertipu dengan helah kau kan? Baik. Memang, memang kau BAIK sangat!

Pinjam duit orang, janji bayar bila? Lepas tu, tangguh. Lepas tangguh, macam2 alasan kau bagi. Tukar kerja la, cek tak keluar la, gaji sangkut la, mak kau punya hal la apa la! Aku tengok kau pergi makan kat tempat2 yang harga sepinggan dish 50-60rm? Macam tu, takde duit? kat gambar kau, pakai android apa? Galaxy Tab? Kau curi ke Tab tu? Or kau jumpa kat tepi jalan? Memang kau dasar penipu!

Orang kalau jantina sendiri pun dia nak tipu, apa lagi benda2 lain, kan? Diri sendiri pun kau tipu, apa lagi orang lain. Aku paling benci penipu. Seriously, memang aku benci penipu. Once kena tipu, aku boleh bagi muka. Tapi kalau 2nd chance kau screw up, memang kau bukan sapa2 lagi untuk aku. Apatah lagi kalau nak berkawan balik dengan kau. Big no-no!

Aku takkan maafkan kau. Takkan sekali2. Kau nak menggatal, kau nak bermanja, kau cari jantan lain. Jangan kau nak cari tunang aku lagi. Kau nak rasa makan tangan, kau buat.

Aku ingat dalam hati, dalam kepala. Kalau diri sendiri pun kau tipu, orang lain sepuluh kali kau boleh tipu. Memang kau golongan laknat. Aku benci golongan laknat, takkan sekali2 aku bercampur dengan orang macam kau lagi.

Bloody Angry

Angry and bloody over trifles.

Pagi ni aku tak ada mood. Aku tengok kau tertekan tak dapat cari barang2 kau, kau mengamuk baling segala benda yang yang ada depan mata kau. Habis gelas semua pecah, kain baju yang tergantung kau tarik ranapkan habis semua. Apa ni sayang? Kau seharusnya belajar bersabar, ingat puasa bukan tahan lapar & dahaga je. Sia2 kau puasa kalau amarah kau tak dikepung.

Jujur, aku tak suka. Aku benci. Aku benci tengok orang mengamuk pasal hal remeh. Ini baru sebab kecik yang kau nak marah2kan. Macam mana kalau aku letupkan kereta kau? Musnahkan motor kau? Apa kau nak buat? Patahkan tulang empat kerat aku? Belasah aku sampai masuk ICU?

Kamon, sayang. Belajarlah terima sesuatu dengan hati terbuka. Kalau hari ni dia buang barang2 kau, sound je dia. Kaw2 pun takpe. Asalkan kau tak mengamuk pecahkan pinggan mangkuk. Kalau esok dia simpankan barang2 kau samapi tak dapat kita cari, bagitau dia jangan sentuh barang2 kau. Grow up sayang. Aku tak mau kau mengamuk hari ni sebab dia, nanti kau mengamuk sebab kau marahkan aku pulak. Aku tak nak macam tu.

Aku mau tengok kau jadi seorang yang tenang. Apa jadi pun, kau cool je. Takde nak baran2, nak baling2 barang, nak menengking2. Cool, tapi apa2 yang kau cakapkan tajam menusuk hati orang. Straight kena tepet kat muka. Itu baru betul nak ajar orang, sayang. Bukan dengan cara violent.

Aku tau, mungkin hari ni, salah aku pun ada. Aku tak jaga kau & barang2 kau. Tapi, aku tak tinggal bersama kau, so aku tak boleh nak fokus seluruhnya untuk jaga kau. Lainlah kalau kita dah menikah & tinggal serumah.

Tindakan kau pagi tadi buat aku berfikir sendiri. Betul ke tindakan aku, pilihan aku untuk habiskan sisa hidup aku dengan kau? Baran tu nature kau. Aku mengaku, susah untuk kau buang sifat tu. Tapi kau boleh kurangkan. Jangan ikut sangat marah tu, tak bawak sikit keuntungan pun kat kita. Aku percaya, kalau kau kurangkan marah, tambahkan tegas, ramai yang akan respek kau, termasuk dia. Confront dia, cakap dengan dia terang2 & tegas, apa yang kau tak mau dia buat, apa yang kau tak suka dia buat. Bagi dia faham siapa dia, kat mana kedudukan dia.

Kita dewasa. Adults. So kita kena behave macam adults. Perangai baran2 ni budak2 je buat. Ikut hati, ikut perasaan. Ikut nafsu. Kita bukan macam tu sayang. Kita matang, kita fikir pakai otak. Kita tak terburu2 ikut kehendak hati. Kita bukan childish.

Aku yakin kau boleh jadi someone better satu hari nanti.
Aku yakin.
Satu hari nanti.

'Friend'.

Poor you. Seriously, I pity you.

I know, you're still angry about the things that happened before. You thought it was me, you still think it's me who ruined your relationship. I tried to talk, explain, come clear about what happened, but you still point the fault at me.

I felt bad. I did. I still do. Because I lose you as a friend. Really, I hate losing a friend in a bad way, in a situation where both of us can't find closure between us. But you refused.

Twice. I push away my ego, my conscience to find truce between us. But both times, I failed.

Hate it.

But to really give a thought about it, at first yes, it was partly my fault. Do you know why he left you? It wasn't really me, the reason he left you. It was you. A man can never take it when his partner cheat on him. Let alone you, you were his fiancee, his wife-to-be. You didn't just flirt with other men, you slept with some. Of course he couldn't take it, you crushed his ego as a man. Not because of me. I accepted him to be with me when I know he was with you. We hooked up about a month after the night he dumped you. I know, it wasn't a right thing to do, being together with a friend's ex.

But, but.. he returned to you. He left me, and he returned to you. I knew why he withdrew from our relationship before, I still remember you were in Bali that time. We broke up and he tried to get you back.

Our friends told me that he treated you like a princess, did everything for you. As if he was not the same person he used to be.

Again, you made the mistake that makes you lose him once again. You told him not to bug you anymore, leave you alone and that you didn't want him anymore. How's that me as someone to be blamed? I think, if you treated him well, give him another chance, you guys would've make one happy couple. But no, you had to avenge your broken heart. So you cheated on him with some smart-ass white fag, took his money and screw the white guy in London when before that you were screwing him. Where's your dignity as a woman?

And still, you blame me. No. Hell no! I wasn't in the picture when all the cheating-with-a-Brit happened. You crushed him, both as your partner and as a man. Again! Don't you ever think about how he felt the first time he found out you cheated on him? And after that, when he tried to make amends to you, you cheat on him again? As a person, if I were in his shoes, I would've throw a cheap girl away from me and look for a decent one for me to love.

This is what I feel, after almost two years holding back guilt, feeling that I stole him from you. But being you, the person I used to know well, you will never stop blaming me. God knows until when.

I just want some truce between us. We don't have to be friends like before, if you don't want to. I'm OK with that. I don't really need a friend like you, who'll just be with me when I'm happy, and disappear when I'm in trouble. Thanks, but no thanks. I have better friends.

Truce. That's all.