You can always be a better person.
If you want to be.
Ingat, lelaki.
Tangan yang kuat, kau guna untuk belai.
Bukan pukul.
Badan yang sasa, depang untuk kau lindung.
Bukan tindas.
Actng Mets
- missnoperfect
- KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
- This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Aku Ngerti Rasamu. Maafkan Aku.
Aku tau kau marahkan perbuatanku.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Aku Faham
Bila aku mau kau buat pilihan, kau pilih dia.
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Biar Aku Sendiri
Kau marah, aku tinggalkan kau. Kau tau KENAPA aku tinggalkan kau? Kau ada fikir?
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life Goes On
When I saw you the other day, I couldn't help it. I felt a huge rush of blood running to my face. My hands trembled uncontrollably. My temperature rose, and I felt like as if my heart was about to explode. I couldn't walk straight, and I looked down so I don't get hurt by seeing you. I felt my whole body vibrate, because I know I'm longing for your touch. Your big hug.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I Tried. I Failed.
I once told you, I don't just want to live with you. I want to go to the Paradise with you.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Invizibel Line
8.25am., KL Sentral. I sit next to a white man, and I ask him, is it OK if I smoke? He said doesn't mind. We talked about general stuff, and suddenly I remembered what you told me when we started getting close back then.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
If You...
If you only knew, whatever that I've scolded you before was my effort to make you better.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Me, or Her?
After all that we've been through together, after everything that we've done and shared together, you put a friend whom you knew for a few months over me?
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Time Bomb
Since I never really did confront you on this matter, if you read this, please read it through. This is my confrontation, and so are the previous two entries.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hung-over
There. I've put the rings we bought right there. I never meant to hurt you, but I've been hurt so many times by you. I'm no superwoman, but I have got to be strong this time, to make you realise that a relationship is never one-sided. I never thought that it will cost our relationship just to show you that.
It's never easy for me, to leave you after all that we've been through together. But if this is for the best, I have to give in. You once said girlfriends are your last priority. Friends come first. So I guess it doesn't matter for you if I'm not around.
Go. Go somewhere far from me, that I can't find you no matter how hard I try. Because it's easier for me to let you go if I don't see the one I love.
Yes, I do love you. You are the only man that I've give all my heart to. I can never love another the way that I love you. I don't even know how. But the love that I've given to you backfires me. It kills me. And for you, though I really love you with every drop of my blood, I can't go on. Not in this kind of relationship.
I've given you so many chances, I've forgiven you a million times. But you never changed. I tried to make you a better person, a gentleman. But I never succeeded. I can't. I was the one who changed for you, according to you wants, your needs. But you never bothered.
Ask yourself - do I really treat you so badly, that you turn to your friend? Have I ever scold you? Have I ever yell at you? Have I ever curse at you? Have I ever hurt you so badly, that you give up on me? Tell me.
You once told me that your ex didn't behave like a future wife. Ask yourself - do you behave like a future husband? Are you ready to carry the heavy burden of being leader of the house? Do you have what it takes to guide your family to the straight path? Tell me.
I tried. I did. I listened. I gave in. I attempted. I cried. I did everything you asked.
You told me, you can relate to me. You can communicate with me. Now, who do you communicate with? Tell me. I struggled to talk to you, tried to create a conversation so we can communicate. But you refused. You looked for your friend. You've left me behind.
How can I get into your heart, how can I understand you, if you avoid talking to me? Tell me. How can I really know what you want from me, what you need from me, if I can't reach out for you? Tell me.
Tell me, what do I do to make you love me, care for me, hear me, want me?
Alas, the damage is done. We don't walk the same path anymore. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who is perfect enough for you. Because I know I'm far from perfect.
Goodbye my Love.
It's never easy for me, to leave you after all that we've been through together. But if this is for the best, I have to give in. You once said girlfriends are your last priority. Friends come first. So I guess it doesn't matter for you if I'm not around.
Go. Go somewhere far from me, that I can't find you no matter how hard I try. Because it's easier for me to let you go if I don't see the one I love.
Yes, I do love you. You are the only man that I've give all my heart to. I can never love another the way that I love you. I don't even know how. But the love that I've given to you backfires me. It kills me. And for you, though I really love you with every drop of my blood, I can't go on. Not in this kind of relationship.
I've given you so many chances, I've forgiven you a million times. But you never changed. I tried to make you a better person, a gentleman. But I never succeeded. I can't. I was the one who changed for you, according to you wants, your needs. But you never bothered.
Ask yourself - do I really treat you so badly, that you turn to your friend? Have I ever scold you? Have I ever yell at you? Have I ever curse at you? Have I ever hurt you so badly, that you give up on me? Tell me.
You once told me that your ex didn't behave like a future wife. Ask yourself - do you behave like a future husband? Are you ready to carry the heavy burden of being leader of the house? Do you have what it takes to guide your family to the straight path? Tell me.
I tried. I did. I listened. I gave in. I attempted. I cried. I did everything you asked.
You told me, you can relate to me. You can communicate with me. Now, who do you communicate with? Tell me. I struggled to talk to you, tried to create a conversation so we can communicate. But you refused. You looked for your friend. You've left me behind.
How can I get into your heart, how can I understand you, if you avoid talking to me? Tell me. How can I really know what you want from me, what you need from me, if I can't reach out for you? Tell me.
Tell me, what do I do to make you love me, care for me, hear me, want me?
Alas, the damage is done. We don't walk the same path anymore. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who is perfect enough for you. Because I know I'm far from perfect.
Goodbye my Love.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Tunangan
Kata orang, bertunang ni banyak dugaannya. Betul ke?
Kata orang lagi, bertunang ni perlu banyak bersabar. Perlu ke?
Dugaan. Sejak dari mula berkenalmu aku diduga. Memilih antara kawan dan kekasih. Antara suka dan selesa. Katamu kawan bisa aku cari dimana mana. Lantas, aku menurutmu dan meninggalkan temanku.
Kemudian, aku diduga lagi. Kau pergi. Aku sendiri. Kau bersama dia lagi. Kembali. Kau memanggilku biarpun dia kau dampingi.
Setelah kau berpatah hati, kau berpaling padaku menduga lagi. Katamu ingin mencuba lagi. Ku peluk kau kembali.
Mencakar hati, kau duga lagi. Kau ku kejar namun sepi.
Aku sendiri.
Belum sempat ku melangkah, kau kembali memohon dalam pasrah.
Aku mendesah. Kerna payah untuk aku pangkah.
Kau asak. Aku pasak.
Kau sesah. Aku lelah.
Kau tikam. Aku pejam.
Kau tanam. Aku pendam.
Dugaan. Dugaan.
Kau mahu intan. Aku hanya pasiran.
Kecilnya harapan. Kau patahkan.
Kau mau ratu. Aku hanya abu.
Tajamnya paku. Terpacak kemas di kalbu.
Aku berkeras. Kau lagi keras.
Aku berlembut. Kau tundukkan aku ke rumput.
Jalannya yang cerah. Aku kau punah.
Apa yang tinggal, hanya sesal.
Apa yang ada, cuma tiada.
Aku putus asa.
Tunangan? Apa kau aku tunangan?
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taburlah ihsan untuk kau jadi sanjungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, jagalah badan untuk kau ku belaikan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah dirimu dalam kawalan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, janjilah kau aku bersimpan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah aku dalam perhatian.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, simpanlah nafsumu dalam kurungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taruh harapan untuk aku kau nikahkan.
Kata orang lagi, bertunang ni perlu banyak bersabar. Perlu ke?
Dugaan. Sejak dari mula berkenalmu aku diduga. Memilih antara kawan dan kekasih. Antara suka dan selesa. Katamu kawan bisa aku cari dimana mana. Lantas, aku menurutmu dan meninggalkan temanku.
Kemudian, aku diduga lagi. Kau pergi. Aku sendiri. Kau bersama dia lagi. Kembali. Kau memanggilku biarpun dia kau dampingi.
Setelah kau berpatah hati, kau berpaling padaku menduga lagi. Katamu ingin mencuba lagi. Ku peluk kau kembali.
Mencakar hati, kau duga lagi. Kau ku kejar namun sepi.
Aku sendiri.
Belum sempat ku melangkah, kau kembali memohon dalam pasrah.
Aku mendesah. Kerna payah untuk aku pangkah.
Kau asak. Aku pasak.
Kau sesah. Aku lelah.
Kau tikam. Aku pejam.
Kau tanam. Aku pendam.
Dugaan. Dugaan.
Kau mahu intan. Aku hanya pasiran.
Kecilnya harapan. Kau patahkan.
Kau mau ratu. Aku hanya abu.
Tajamnya paku. Terpacak kemas di kalbu.
Aku berkeras. Kau lagi keras.
Aku berlembut. Kau tundukkan aku ke rumput.
Jalannya yang cerah. Aku kau punah.
Apa yang tinggal, hanya sesal.
Apa yang ada, cuma tiada.
Aku putus asa.
Tunangan? Apa kau aku tunangan?
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taburlah ihsan untuk kau jadi sanjungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, jagalah badan untuk kau ku belaikan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah dirimu dalam kawalan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, janjilah kau aku bersimpan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah aku dalam perhatian.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, simpanlah nafsumu dalam kurungan.
Andai aku kau tunangkan, taruh harapan untuk aku kau nikahkan.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A Matter of Choice
For you and me. Choose. Me or your friend. Choose. Stay or leave.
Because I dah penat sakit hati tengok both of you.
Don't care about me no more. You told me once, that friends are more important than girlfriends. What about now? We're engaged to be married. Still, kawan2 lagi penting ke?
You cakap apa, tak nak kawan dia lagi dah. After I told you we were done. Yep, I gave up. But I'm still here. And you lied to me. Lies. That's what I can't tolerate.
Bukannya I tak bagi you kawan dengan dia. It's about how you treat her as a friend. As I can see, you treat her more than just a close friend. You both have crossed the boundaries of treating a friend, though I've warned you. Dia sekarang lagi penting dari I. At least that's how I feel, in case you don't see it.
I told you, I hate it bila you kata nak make out dengan dia. Even if it's just a joke for both of you, I tak suka. Macamlah selama ni you tak happy dengan apa yang I dah bagi kat you. And her, dia suka bila you cakap pasal tu. Gelak besar dia. Yes, you both make me feel insulted when you said it. On my face! Both of you, tak malu ke? Tak rasa sundal ke? I pulak yang rasa cheap gila when my fiancee talks about doing another person.
When your bike was ready, I told you I want to ride with you. You said, 'kita naik kereta je lah.' But on our engagement day, you bawak dia datang naik motor. I was hurt, yet again. Because your future fiancee wanted to ride with you, but you took your trans friend instead. Oh, I really felt bad. Again, you letak dia sebelum I.
Bila I masak untuk you, bagi you rasa and you said OK, you suruh I bagi dia rasa pulak. Tanya kawan you, OK ke tak. What is this? I felt like a maid for both of you. You've put me down so low that I felt worthless in front of her. I malu. Malu!
I tanya you about our wedding plans. you suruh I tanya dia instead, bila dia tak bagi jawapan pun kat I. As if you tak minat nak kahwin, or you lagi suka biar kawan you handle your wedding. Is it? Who am I getting married to? You or her? Who is my fiancee? You or her? Or do you wish to marry her instead of me?
Wherever we go - watching movies, hang out, dine, shopping, fishing.. She was always there. As if there was no more our time, our date. Mana2 kita pergi, mesti you nak dia ada sekali. Apa kita buat, mesti you nak ajak dia sekali. I don't feel like we're together anymore, you guys were. When you walk, you walk with her. I was left behind. When you talk or joke, you do it with her. I was like a statue between you and her. You forgot about me when she's around.
When you make a stupid joke, and she laughs at your joke, she curses at you as well. Babi, bodoh, lancau.. Rude. Don't you feel like she doesn't respect you? Although it's a joke, I can't take it when someone curses at you. You know for yourself I hate people who curse. Macam mana kalau I buat macam tu kat you, curse at your jokes. Marah? I know you will. Silap2 lempang muka I terus.
Everytime kawan you tak habis makan, dia arah you 'weh, habiskan makanan aku.' And you ambik, habiskan. Both of you - she doesn't respect my position as your fiancee when she asked you to finish her meal. Who is she to do that? None of your friends do that. What gives her privilege to do that? She's only a friend. And she's crossed the line. And you tak hormat perasaan I bila you ambik makanan dia, habiskan. I tengok you dah macam kuli dia, habiskan sisa makanan dia. Selalu pulak tu. No wonder you listen to her. I hurt, bila I tengok orang sesuka hati arah you bila I sendiri tak mampu nak buat macam tu. I hurt bila you tak pedulikan I bila you habiskan sisa makanan kawan you, sedangkan mak dia sendiri pun tak buat macam tu!
She orders around asking you to do this and that for her. Is she a family to you? Think. Even your fiancee doesn't do that. Let alone friends. She's your only friend who does that. Again, I feel disrespected. Don't you?
Everytime the three of us walk together, I always observe both of you. You will be the one ahead, and then she will walk faster so she can walk beside you. And I walk alone. Who's your fiancee? Me or her? If you're aware of my position as your fiancee, you'll walk with me. And if she respected my position as your fiancee, she would let me walk next to you. Both of you. I tak mintak orang tunduk sembah I, tapi at least hormat perasaan I as a person. We treat strangers nicely, but why do we treat our loved ones badly?
And yes, I'm extremely annoyed seeing your relationship with her. I feel like slapping her face everytime she curses at you. I feel like slapping yours when you talk about sleeping with her. I feel like throwing her food away when she orders you to finish her meal. And I feel like splashing you with the drinks when you do. Why? Jealous? I won't be if you both don't cross the boundaries. I know, you are well aware of that. But you choose to ignore. You choose to annoy me rather than watching your actions with her. You've totally left me out. I don't have a say when it comes to her. I sakit hati tengok dia buat you sesuka hati dia. Tapi bagi you tak apa, sebab dia kawan you. Macam terbalik, sepatutnya you layan tunang you nicely. Tapi you layan kawan you macam raja, and tunang you macam hamba.
U made her your priority over me. Apa2 pun mesti tanya dia, ajak dia, consult dia. Semuanya kena dapat approval dia ke? You dengan dia sapa? Dia boss you ke? Adik beradik you ke? No! She's only a friend. A friend!
You dengar cakap dia, you tak pernah dengar cakap I. Whatever she says, whatever she wants.. Semua you turutkan. Tapi apa yang I mintak dari you, punyalah susah nak dapat. Sometimes I kena tunggu turn dengan dia. Bila dia dah dapat apa yang dia nak, baru you nak cari I and tanya apa yang I nak. Am I sharing my fiancee with a pengkid??
You told her how you feel, you never told me. Siapa tunang you sebenarnya? I ke dia? Kenapa susah untuk you share your feelings with me when I'm the closest to your heart in you life? But you turn to her. Segala apa pun, you cari dia. Then I ni apa? Tunggul kayu? Kenapa susah sangat you nak cakap, slow talk dengan I? I told you, talk to me. No matter how bad it is. For heaven's sake, communicate with me!
You care about her feelings, you never care about mine. You told me to behave, you told me to speak with manners when I'm talking to her. You don't hurt her, you hurt me.
Seriously, I give up.
Because I dah penat sakit hati tengok both of you.
Don't care about me no more. You told me once, that friends are more important than girlfriends. What about now? We're engaged to be married. Still, kawan2 lagi penting ke?
You cakap apa, tak nak kawan dia lagi dah. After I told you we were done. Yep, I gave up. But I'm still here. And you lied to me. Lies. That's what I can't tolerate.
Bukannya I tak bagi you kawan dengan dia. It's about how you treat her as a friend. As I can see, you treat her more than just a close friend. You both have crossed the boundaries of treating a friend, though I've warned you. Dia sekarang lagi penting dari I. At least that's how I feel, in case you don't see it.
I told you, I hate it bila you kata nak make out dengan dia. Even if it's just a joke for both of you, I tak suka. Macamlah selama ni you tak happy dengan apa yang I dah bagi kat you. And her, dia suka bila you cakap pasal tu. Gelak besar dia. Yes, you both make me feel insulted when you said it. On my face! Both of you, tak malu ke? Tak rasa sundal ke? I pulak yang rasa cheap gila when my fiancee talks about doing another person.
When your bike was ready, I told you I want to ride with you. You said, 'kita naik kereta je lah.' But on our engagement day, you bawak dia datang naik motor. I was hurt, yet again. Because your future fiancee wanted to ride with you, but you took your trans friend instead. Oh, I really felt bad. Again, you letak dia sebelum I.
Bila I masak untuk you, bagi you rasa and you said OK, you suruh I bagi dia rasa pulak. Tanya kawan you, OK ke tak. What is this? I felt like a maid for both of you. You've put me down so low that I felt worthless in front of her. I malu. Malu!
I tanya you about our wedding plans. you suruh I tanya dia instead, bila dia tak bagi jawapan pun kat I. As if you tak minat nak kahwin, or you lagi suka biar kawan you handle your wedding. Is it? Who am I getting married to? You or her? Who is my fiancee? You or her? Or do you wish to marry her instead of me?
Wherever we go - watching movies, hang out, dine, shopping, fishing.. She was always there. As if there was no more our time, our date. Mana2 kita pergi, mesti you nak dia ada sekali. Apa kita buat, mesti you nak ajak dia sekali. I don't feel like we're together anymore, you guys were. When you walk, you walk with her. I was left behind. When you talk or joke, you do it with her. I was like a statue between you and her. You forgot about me when she's around.
When you make a stupid joke, and she laughs at your joke, she curses at you as well. Babi, bodoh, lancau.. Rude. Don't you feel like she doesn't respect you? Although it's a joke, I can't take it when someone curses at you. You know for yourself I hate people who curse. Macam mana kalau I buat macam tu kat you, curse at your jokes. Marah? I know you will. Silap2 lempang muka I terus.
Everytime kawan you tak habis makan, dia arah you 'weh, habiskan makanan aku.' And you ambik, habiskan. Both of you - she doesn't respect my position as your fiancee when she asked you to finish her meal. Who is she to do that? None of your friends do that. What gives her privilege to do that? She's only a friend. And she's crossed the line. And you tak hormat perasaan I bila you ambik makanan dia, habiskan. I tengok you dah macam kuli dia, habiskan sisa makanan dia. Selalu pulak tu. No wonder you listen to her. I hurt, bila I tengok orang sesuka hati arah you bila I sendiri tak mampu nak buat macam tu. I hurt bila you tak pedulikan I bila you habiskan sisa makanan kawan you, sedangkan mak dia sendiri pun tak buat macam tu!
She orders around asking you to do this and that for her. Is she a family to you? Think. Even your fiancee doesn't do that. Let alone friends. She's your only friend who does that. Again, I feel disrespected. Don't you?
Everytime the three of us walk together, I always observe both of you. You will be the one ahead, and then she will walk faster so she can walk beside you. And I walk alone. Who's your fiancee? Me or her? If you're aware of my position as your fiancee, you'll walk with me. And if she respected my position as your fiancee, she would let me walk next to you. Both of you. I tak mintak orang tunduk sembah I, tapi at least hormat perasaan I as a person. We treat strangers nicely, but why do we treat our loved ones badly?
And yes, I'm extremely annoyed seeing your relationship with her. I feel like slapping her face everytime she curses at you. I feel like slapping yours when you talk about sleeping with her. I feel like throwing her food away when she orders you to finish her meal. And I feel like splashing you with the drinks when you do. Why? Jealous? I won't be if you both don't cross the boundaries. I know, you are well aware of that. But you choose to ignore. You choose to annoy me rather than watching your actions with her. You've totally left me out. I don't have a say when it comes to her. I sakit hati tengok dia buat you sesuka hati dia. Tapi bagi you tak apa, sebab dia kawan you. Macam terbalik, sepatutnya you layan tunang you nicely. Tapi you layan kawan you macam raja, and tunang you macam hamba.
U made her your priority over me. Apa2 pun mesti tanya dia, ajak dia, consult dia. Semuanya kena dapat approval dia ke? You dengan dia sapa? Dia boss you ke? Adik beradik you ke? No! She's only a friend. A friend!
You dengar cakap dia, you tak pernah dengar cakap I. Whatever she says, whatever she wants.. Semua you turutkan. Tapi apa yang I mintak dari you, punyalah susah nak dapat. Sometimes I kena tunggu turn dengan dia. Bila dia dah dapat apa yang dia nak, baru you nak cari I and tanya apa yang I nak. Am I sharing my fiancee with a pengkid??
You told her how you feel, you never told me. Siapa tunang you sebenarnya? I ke dia? Kenapa susah untuk you share your feelings with me when I'm the closest to your heart in you life? But you turn to her. Segala apa pun, you cari dia. Then I ni apa? Tunggul kayu? Kenapa susah sangat you nak cakap, slow talk dengan I? I told you, talk to me. No matter how bad it is. For heaven's sake, communicate with me!
You care about her feelings, you never care about mine. You told me to behave, you told me to speak with manners when I'm talking to her. You don't hurt her, you hurt me.
Seriously, I give up.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
In The Rain
It's raining, it's almost 6am in the wee hours of dawn.
I fee like bathing in the rain.
And have your arms wrapped around me in the rain.
I wanna dance with you, slowly as the rain falls onto us.
Rest my head on your chest, feel both the chill of the rain and the warmth of your body.
Feel your chin on my head and your breath on my ear along the tapping sounds of the rain.
Oh, how I really miss you.
I miss you being romantic.
I miss the loving person you once were.
I miss having your hands caressing mine.
I miss having your arms around me.
I miss our slow talks.
I miss it when you call me to brush your hair.
I miss your soft kisses.
I miss your caresses on me.
I miss the way you call my name affectionately.
I miss the way you talk nicely, to me or to my family.
I miss holding you when you were cooking.
I miss kissing your hand in the morning and you, kissing my forehead everytime you were about to leave.
I miss your tenderness.
I really miss you.
Where have you been, my Love?
I've been looking, searching for my romantic lover.
My peace of mind.
i don't know where he is now.
I tried looking for you everywhere, but I can't find him anywhere.
I can't see him.
I see an angry person.
I see a cruel person.
I see a rude person who doesn't care about civics and courtesy.
I see someone else.
I can't see you anymore.
I can't reach out for you anymore.
I don't even know you anymore.
The person I've been loving all this time is no longer around.
I fee like bathing in the rain.
And have your arms wrapped around me in the rain.
I wanna dance with you, slowly as the rain falls onto us.
Rest my head on your chest, feel both the chill of the rain and the warmth of your body.
Feel your chin on my head and your breath on my ear along the tapping sounds of the rain.
Oh, how I really miss you.
I miss you being romantic.
I miss the loving person you once were.
I miss having your hands caressing mine.
I miss having your arms around me.
I miss our slow talks.
I miss it when you call me to brush your hair.
I miss your soft kisses.
I miss your caresses on me.
I miss the way you call my name affectionately.
I miss the way you talk nicely, to me or to my family.
I miss holding you when you were cooking.
I miss kissing your hand in the morning and you, kissing my forehead everytime you were about to leave.
I miss your tenderness.
I really miss you.
Where have you been, my Love?
I've been looking, searching for my romantic lover.
My peace of mind.
i don't know where he is now.
I tried looking for you everywhere, but I can't find him anywhere.
I can't see him.
I see an angry person.
I see a cruel person.
I see a rude person who doesn't care about civics and courtesy.
I see someone else.
I can't see you anymore.
I can't reach out for you anymore.
I don't even know you anymore.
The person I've been loving all this time is no longer around.
I'm afraid.
I'm terrified.
I'm lost.
I'm lost in your oppressions.
I'm lost in your curses.
I'm lost in your anger.
I'm lost in your timidness.
I'm lost in your violent words and violent you.
I'm lost in looking for the real man I love, because I can't find him.
I've lost you.
Come home, my Love.
I'm longing to love you and be loved by you as we used to be before.
I want my teddy bear, and I've been missing him since forever.
Please, I want my Love back.
Please return.
Please.
I'm terrified.
I'm lost.
I'm lost in your oppressions.
I'm lost in your curses.
I'm lost in your anger.
I'm lost in your timidness.
I'm lost in your violent words and violent you.
I'm lost in looking for the real man I love, because I can't find him.
I've lost you.
Come home, my Love.
I'm longing to love you and be loved by you as we used to be before.
I want my teddy bear, and I've been missing him since forever.
Please, I want my Love back.
Please return.
Please.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
If You Only Knew
Benda2 ni aku copy dari entah sapa punya FB yang ter-ada kat home aku. To whom it may concern, if you read this, inilah apa yang aku rasa selama kita bersama. Sayang sekali, kau tak pernah tau. Atau mungkin, kau tak pernah ingin ambik tau.
Andainya lelaki tau--
* Apabila seprang perempuan jatuh cinta, lelaki itu tidak semstinya punya segalanya. Tetapi lelaki itu adalah segala2nya dihatinya.
* Apabila seseorang perempuan itu mengalirkan air mata, itu bukan bermakna dia lemah, tetapi dia sedang mencari kekuatan untuk terus tabah mencintai lelaki itu
* Apabila perempuan marah, dia tidak mampu mengawal perasaanya - tapi percayalah, itu maknanya dia sangat mengambil berat & menyayangi lelaki itu. Lihat saja pasangan yang baru bercinta, mereka jarang bergaduh. Tetapi percayalah, semakin bertambah sayang merekapada seseorang, semakin banyak pula pertelingkahan yang berlaku.
* Apabila perempuan bercakap banyak, dia tidak pernah bermaksud untuk membuat anda rimas, tapi dia mahu lelaki mengenalinya dengan lebih dekat.
* Apabila perempuan berkata dia mahu anda berubah, itu bukan bermakna dia tidak mahu menerima anda seadanya, tetapi dia mahu menjadikan anda lebih baik. Bukan untuk dirinya, tetapi untuk masa depan anda.
* Apabila perempuan cemburu & tidak percayakan anda, bukan bermakna dia tidak sayang. Tetapi dia terlalu sayangkan anda & masih menganggap anda anak kecil yang masih memerlukan sepenuh perhatian. Kadang2 dia terlalu risau sekiranya dia terlalu percaya, anda akan mengkhianati kepercayaan yang diberi. Naluri keibuannya sangat kuat. Dia hanya mahukan yang terbaik untuk anda.
* Apabila perempuan merajuk. jangan kata dia mengada-ngada. Dia bukannya mahu dipujuk dengan wang ringgit atau hadiah sedozen, tetapi cukup dengan perhatian yang boleh buat perempuan rasa dihargai.
* Apabila perempuan jarang mengatakan 'I Love You', itu tidak bermaksud dia tidak menyintai tetapi dia mahu lelaki itu merasai sendiri cintanya, bukan hanya hadir dari kata-kata tetapi juga melalui bahasa tubuhnya.
* Apabila perempuan kata dia rindu sama kamu, dia benar-benar maksudkannya. Apabila berjauhan, bayanganmu akan sentiasa bermain di mata.
* Apabila perempuan kata lelaki lain itu lebih baik dari kamu, jangan percaya kata-katanya kerana dia hanya mahu menguji kamu. Dia mahu melihat sejauh mana kamu sanggup menjadi yang terbaik di matanya. Walaupun sebenarnya memang kamulah yang terbaik di hatinya. Selagi dia dengan kamu, percayalah, walaupun perempuan menganggap masih ramai lagi yang lebih baik di matanya tetapi di hatinya, kamu tetap yang terbaik.
* Apabila perempuan menjadi degil, dia bukan bermaksud untuk menjadi degil tapi dia mahu melihat sejauh mana lelaki itu mampu bersabar dengan kerenahnya. Percayalah, hati perempuan itu sangat lembut. Andai kena caranya, jangan terkejut kalau akhirnya dia menukar fikirannya dalam masa sesaat.
* Apabila perempuan berkata, “tolong tinggalkan saya!”, dia tidak bermaksud menyuruh anda pergi selamanya. Dia hanya mahu menenangkan fikirannya sebentar saja. Apabila dia kembali tenang, percayalah dia akan mencari anda semula. Itu tandanya dia benar-benar menyintai anda. Perempuan sukar untuk mengawal perasaan. Dia terlalu emosional. Tapi dialah yang paling menyayangi anda dan sangat sensitif dengan perubahan pada diri anda.
* Sememangnya Allah menciptakan lelaki dan perempuan itu dengan perbezaan yang tersendiri. Tetapi sekiranya mereka saling memahami, mereka akan saling melengkapi dan menyempurnakan.
* Perempuan itu diciptakan oleh Allah indah sekali. Di sebalik air matanya, tersimpan seribu satu kekuatan yang bakal menjadikan seorang lelaki itu merasa selamat bersamanya. Biarpun zahirnya perempuan itu tampak lemah tapi dia punya kekuatan tersendiri yang bisa menggoncang dunia dan mungkin bisa pula membuat lelaki menjadi lemah kerananya.
Jadi hargailah kehadiran seorang perempuan dalam hidup anda kerana dia didatangkan bukan dengan kelemahan sahaja tetapi dia juga ada kekuatan untuk menyokong anda dan membuatkan hidup anda lebih sempurna. Dialah yang bakal menjadi perempuan bekerjaya, isteri juga ibu yang terbaik untuk anak2 anda.
Andainya lelaki tau--
* Apabila seprang perempuan jatuh cinta, lelaki itu tidak semstinya punya segalanya. Tetapi lelaki itu adalah segala2nya dihatinya.
* Apabila seseorang perempuan itu mengalirkan air mata, itu bukan bermakna dia lemah, tetapi dia sedang mencari kekuatan untuk terus tabah mencintai lelaki itu
* Apabila perempuan marah, dia tidak mampu mengawal perasaanya - tapi percayalah, itu maknanya dia sangat mengambil berat & menyayangi lelaki itu. Lihat saja pasangan yang baru bercinta, mereka jarang bergaduh. Tetapi percayalah, semakin bertambah sayang merekapada seseorang, semakin banyak pula pertelingkahan yang berlaku.
* Apabila perempuan bercakap banyak, dia tidak pernah bermaksud untuk membuat anda rimas, tapi dia mahu lelaki mengenalinya dengan lebih dekat.
* Apabila perempuan berkata dia mahu anda berubah, itu bukan bermakna dia tidak mahu menerima anda seadanya, tetapi dia mahu menjadikan anda lebih baik. Bukan untuk dirinya, tetapi untuk masa depan anda.
* Apabila perempuan cemburu & tidak percayakan anda, bukan bermakna dia tidak sayang. Tetapi dia terlalu sayangkan anda & masih menganggap anda anak kecil yang masih memerlukan sepenuh perhatian. Kadang2 dia terlalu risau sekiranya dia terlalu percaya, anda akan mengkhianati kepercayaan yang diberi. Naluri keibuannya sangat kuat. Dia hanya mahukan yang terbaik untuk anda.
* Apabila perempuan merajuk. jangan kata dia mengada-ngada. Dia bukannya mahu dipujuk dengan wang ringgit atau hadiah sedozen, tetapi cukup dengan perhatian yang boleh buat perempuan rasa dihargai.
* Apabila perempuan jarang mengatakan 'I Love You', itu tidak bermaksud dia tidak menyintai tetapi dia mahu lelaki itu merasai sendiri cintanya, bukan hanya hadir dari kata-kata tetapi juga melalui bahasa tubuhnya.
* Apabila perempuan kata dia rindu sama kamu, dia benar-benar maksudkannya. Apabila berjauhan, bayanganmu akan sentiasa bermain di mata.
* Apabila perempuan kata lelaki lain itu lebih baik dari kamu, jangan percaya kata-katanya kerana dia hanya mahu menguji kamu. Dia mahu melihat sejauh mana kamu sanggup menjadi yang terbaik di matanya. Walaupun sebenarnya memang kamulah yang terbaik di hatinya. Selagi dia dengan kamu, percayalah, walaupun perempuan menganggap masih ramai lagi yang lebih baik di matanya tetapi di hatinya, kamu tetap yang terbaik.
* Apabila perempuan menjadi degil, dia bukan bermaksud untuk menjadi degil tapi dia mahu melihat sejauh mana lelaki itu mampu bersabar dengan kerenahnya. Percayalah, hati perempuan itu sangat lembut. Andai kena caranya, jangan terkejut kalau akhirnya dia menukar fikirannya dalam masa sesaat.
* Apabila perempuan berkata, “tolong tinggalkan saya!”, dia tidak bermaksud menyuruh anda pergi selamanya. Dia hanya mahu menenangkan fikirannya sebentar saja. Apabila dia kembali tenang, percayalah dia akan mencari anda semula. Itu tandanya dia benar-benar menyintai anda. Perempuan sukar untuk mengawal perasaan. Dia terlalu emosional. Tapi dialah yang paling menyayangi anda dan sangat sensitif dengan perubahan pada diri anda.
* Sememangnya Allah menciptakan lelaki dan perempuan itu dengan perbezaan yang tersendiri. Tetapi sekiranya mereka saling memahami, mereka akan saling melengkapi dan menyempurnakan.
* Perempuan itu diciptakan oleh Allah indah sekali. Di sebalik air matanya, tersimpan seribu satu kekuatan yang bakal menjadikan seorang lelaki itu merasa selamat bersamanya. Biarpun zahirnya perempuan itu tampak lemah tapi dia punya kekuatan tersendiri yang bisa menggoncang dunia dan mungkin bisa pula membuat lelaki menjadi lemah kerananya.
Jadi hargailah kehadiran seorang perempuan dalam hidup anda kerana dia didatangkan bukan dengan kelemahan sahaja tetapi dia juga ada kekuatan untuk menyokong anda dan membuatkan hidup anda lebih sempurna. Dialah yang bakal menjadi perempuan bekerjaya, isteri juga ibu yang terbaik untuk anak2 anda.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Aku Putus Asa
Biar aku mulakan entry kali ni dengan flow hubungan kita. Mula aku kenal kau, kau mau buat aku adik angkat. Dengan alasan; kau anak tunggal, tak punya adik. Aku terima. Kemudian kau tinggalkan tunang yang bersama kau selama 4 tahun macam tu je sebab kau mau buat aku milik kau. Aku cair dengan kata2 manis kau, aku terima. 3 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sebab kau mau bersama tunang kau balik. Kata kau, susah untuk kau lupakan dia. Aku pergi dengan hati luka. 3 bulan kemudian, setelah kau ditipu & diperbodohnya, sekali lagi kau ingin bersama aku. Memandangkan aku tak punya siapa2 pada waktu tu, aku terima kau semula. Selepas 5 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sekali lagi lepas kita bergaduh teruk. Aku pergi lagi dengan hati luka & rasa bersalah. Tak sampai sebulan lepas tu, setelah kau berbuat salah dengan aku, kau ingin mohon maaf & mau sekali lagi peluang dengan aku. Fikirku kau mungkin sudah berubah, apa salahnya aku maafkan kau, aku bagi kau 1 lagi peluang. Sekarang, baru lepas 4 bulan kita bersama, kau mula berpaling dari aku. Kau mula tak endahkan aku. Dan aku mula rasa yang tak lama nanti kau akan hancurkan hati aku lagi.
Walaupun dah beratus2 kali kau hancurkan hati aku.
Walaupun dah beratus2 kali kau hancurkan hati aku.
Aku ingat lagi, masa kau sibuk minta maaf, minta peluang lagi sekali untuk bina hubungan yang kau dah hancurkan. Bila aku tak nak, kau kata apa? Aku sorang je GF kau yang sampai ke kampung kau. Aku ikut kau balik kampung tolong majlis pengebumian arwah mak kau. Cakap manis kau. Tapi sekarang? Apa pun kau tak ingat. Yang kau tau, kau mau jaga sangat kawan kau tu. Hormatkan dia. Apa kau ada fikirkan aku? Ada?
Apa kau ada hormatkan aku?
Orang sekeliling caci, maki aku sebab aku terima kau balik. Semua orang kata aku bodoh sebab aku masih nak bagi peluang kat kau walaupun dah kali kedua kau buat perangai. Tapi takpa, aku cuba bagi kau pelung.. mana tau kau dah berubah. Aku percaya sejahat2 manusia, masih tetap ada sikit kebaikan dalam diri dia. Tapi kau? walaupun dah berapa kali aku bagi peluang, kau masih sama, tak pernah berubah malah makin teruk jadinya hubungan yang kau kata nak baiki.
Nak improve konon. Bullshit!!
Kata kau, aku tak pedulikan rumah, tak kemas, tak masak, tak jaga rumah. Ada kau fikir kenapa aku tak buat semua tu? Adakah terlintas di kepala kau yang aku kecewa, aku terluka dengan tindakan kau? Untuk apa aku jaga segalanya tentang kau, bila apa yang kau buat cuma layan aku macam tunggul? Sedangkan kau sibuk jagakan orang lain! Kata kau dia faham apa kau mau. Kata kau aku tak pernah faham dirimu. Katakan, bagaimana untuk aku fahami kau bila aku tak pernah dapat untuk gapai, untuk selami hati kau? Bila semua yang aku tanya kau biar berlalu macam tu ja? Segala kesalahan kau mau letakkan atas aku!
Apa kau ada hormatkan aku?
Orang sekeliling caci, maki aku sebab aku terima kau balik. Semua orang kata aku bodoh sebab aku masih nak bagi peluang kat kau walaupun dah kali kedua kau buat perangai. Tapi takpa, aku cuba bagi kau pelung.. mana tau kau dah berubah. Aku percaya sejahat2 manusia, masih tetap ada sikit kebaikan dalam diri dia. Tapi kau? walaupun dah berapa kali aku bagi peluang, kau masih sama, tak pernah berubah malah makin teruk jadinya hubungan yang kau kata nak baiki.
Nak improve konon. Bullshit!!
Kata kau, aku tak pedulikan rumah, tak kemas, tak masak, tak jaga rumah. Ada kau fikir kenapa aku tak buat semua tu? Adakah terlintas di kepala kau yang aku kecewa, aku terluka dengan tindakan kau? Untuk apa aku jaga segalanya tentang kau, bila apa yang kau buat cuma layan aku macam tunggul? Sedangkan kau sibuk jagakan orang lain! Kata kau dia faham apa kau mau. Kata kau aku tak pernah faham dirimu. Katakan, bagaimana untuk aku fahami kau bila aku tak pernah dapat untuk gapai, untuk selami hati kau? Bila semua yang aku tanya kau biar berlalu macam tu ja? Segala kesalahan kau mau letakkan atas aku!
Aku mau tanya kau, apa lagi yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Kain baju kau aku jaga. Makan kau aku cuba jaga. Hati kau aku elak daripada luka. Aku jaga bahasa bila aku bercakap dengan kau. Aku jaga air muka kau, maruah kau. Apa lagi yang kau mau dari aku? Apa lagi yang tak cukup? Kau mau perempuan yang macam mana? Perempuan yang ikut semua kata kau? Apa aku tak buat semua tu? Hah? Cermin diri kau! Bagitau aku, jenis perempuan mana yang kau nak? Perempuan alim? Perempuan bijak? Perempuan bagai ibu?
Bagitau aku!
Bagitau aku!
Walaupun cuma setahun lebih hubungan kita, aku rasa sepertinya aku tlah menderita berpuluh2 tahun! Aku sakit, sakit sangat dengan perangai kau. Nyata, segala apa yang kau janjikan, segala apa yang kau kata semua dusta. Semua tipu helah belaka. Segalanya untuk kepentingan diri kau. Apa sebenarnya aku pada kau? Mana janji2 kau? Mana cinta & sayang kau? Mana? Aku mau tau, mana perginya cinta kau yang pernah kau canang2kan dulu?
Aku sedar, aku bukan sempurna. Aku bukan yang terbaik. Aku sedar aku sangat beremosi, malas, kuat tidur. Tak cukup untuk kau. Tapi aku berusaha untuk kau, aku kerja keras untuk puaskan hati kau. Dan aku juga mau ingatkan kau, kau juga jauh dari sempurna! Tak sehebat mana! Kau mau aku katakan dimana tak sempurnanya kau? Kau selekeh! Kau pemalas! Kau pembaran tak tentu pasal! Kau ego, fikirkan kau hebat sedangkan kau tak punya apa2! Itu kau! Tak perlu kau nafikan, aku ngerti semua pasal kau! Kau bagitau aku, apa permintaan aku yang kau tunaikan? Kamera tu jangan kau berani sebut, sebab kau beli itu untuk kau, bukan untuk aku. Canang kau saja belikan untuk aku. Sedangkan pintaku nyalakan sebatang rokok pun payah, apa saja yang kau buat untuk aku? Hah? Kau bagi 1 benda yang aku tak buat untuk kau? Kau cakap apa yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Semua aku buat, semua aku bagi kat kau!
Takkan tak cukup lagi untuk kau?
Takkan tak cukup lagi untuk kau?
Dalam masa aku sakit hati, aku luka sebab perangai kau yang tak pernah peduli nak bagitau apa kau buat supaya aku tak risau, supaya aku tak resah fikirkan diri kau, ada kau ingat mau datang pujuk hati aku? Ada kau buat apa2 untuk sejukkan hati aku? Tak, kau pergi bersayang dengan ex kau, kau sibuk pergi jaga kawan kau. Tak ada sikitpun kau peduli pada aku. Aku ni apa? Kau bagitau aku, siapa aku ni, yang duduk rumah kau, yang jaga kau, yang makan hati sebab kau! Siapa aku?! Katakan aku tak memahami apa sebenarnya antara kau & dia? Apa kau pernah buatkan supaya aku faham keadaan sebenar? Apa kau ada jujur dan terus terang tentang apa sebenarnya? Jangan kau kata aku tak memahami, bila setiap kali aku bertanya kau lari dari berkata jujur!!
Buatkan supaya aku faham!
Buatkan supaya aku faham!
Aku mau tanya, aku tak jaga kau baik ke? Aku tak layan kau elok ke? Aku pergi menyundal dengan jantan lain ke, sampai tak peduli pada kau? Aku tak faham, apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk gembirakan hati kau? Apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk kau sedar yang kasih sayang tu bukan mainan? Kau ingat aku ni apa, anak patung? Yang boleh kau campak kesana kemari sesuka hati kau? Hah?!?!
Aku buat kau stress, aku buat kau kusut, ada kau pikir betapa aku kusut mengenang perangai kau? Apa kau ada peduli segala yang kau lakukan, buat aku menangis sendiri? Pernah kau mau kongsi apa masalah kau? Tak, kata kau aku takkan pernah boleh bantu kau. Kenapa? Hanya sebab aku perempuan, aku tak bekerja, aku tak mampu tolong kau? Bukak mata luas2, bantu bukan hanya dari segi duit, lelaki! Aku tau aku tak mampu beri kau duit, tapi aku tau aku mampu beri kau moral support! Tapi sayang, aku hanya tunggul dalam hatimu. Rendahnya aku pada pandangan matamu aku dapat rasakan sampai ke tulang. Tak pernah aku rasa sekelumit hormat pun dari dirimu untuk aku!
Aku dah penat! Aku lelah! Aku dah tak larat! Aku bosan dengan kau, perangai kau, sifat kau, sikap kau yang takkan pernah berubah. Wwalau bagaimana nasihatku, pujukku, kau takkan pernah mau berubah menjadi insan yang lebih baik! Aku dah puas berusaha, aku dah puas bersabar. Aku tak rasa aku mampu untuk bertahan lagi dengan kau. Lupakanlah semua memori kita, lupakan hajat arwah mak kau, lupakan yang aku pernah ada dalam hidup kau. Walau dalamnya cinta aku untuk kau, lupakan semua. Pergilah kau. Segala apa yang aku buat untuk kau, segala cinta yang aku bagi pada kau, semuanya sia2. Semuanya tak berguna. Kau tetap yang sama. Lupakanlah semua. Biar sampai sini saja perjalanan kita. Aku hilang kudrat untuk berusaha. Aku putus asa.
Aku putus asa...
Aku putus asa...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Let Me Down.
You already know, I can never accept it if you contact your ex. For what reason? Let me tell you.
One. She thought I stole you in the first place, when the real deal is that you left her because you wanted to be with me. Please don't deny it. What would she think when you go around texting her as if you guys are still together? That I can't really make you get over her? That she still has major influences on you? That you're trying to win her heart again when you're still attached to me? Please, I beg you please, be considerate.
Two. You did the same thing to me, when you told me you wanted to withdraw from our relationship before. I know, because you wanted to be with her, because you couldn't get over her. If you could only imagine how crushed I was back then. You don't have any idea. At this moment, I have every right to be cautious, or even paranoid.
Three. Whether you realise about it or not, contacting your ex when everybody thought I stole you from her, you'll just tarnish my name. And especially for her, in her eyes, she will see me as someone who fails to win your heart. Someone who fails to make you Love. Someone who is not powerful enough to make you forget her. You will let me down and I know, she may as well think of me as a loser.
Please, I know you've told me that it was nothing but looking at a larger view, I wouldn't know what your intentions are. Was it really nothing? Or was there something? Call me anything you want; paranoid, insecure, too much.. But for all I know, you've done this before and if you want to make it happen again, please let me walk far away from you so I won't really feel the pain.
And now, when I asked you on whether you want to keep the relationship going between us, I found that it's really difficult for you to give me even a simple answer. Please, do let me know if you have even the slightest intention to let this go. Don't leave this and me hanging around with questions without answers.
Please.
One. She thought I stole you in the first place, when the real deal is that you left her because you wanted to be with me. Please don't deny it. What would she think when you go around texting her as if you guys are still together? That I can't really make you get over her? That she still has major influences on you? That you're trying to win her heart again when you're still attached to me? Please, I beg you please, be considerate.
Two. You did the same thing to me, when you told me you wanted to withdraw from our relationship before. I know, because you wanted to be with her, because you couldn't get over her. If you could only imagine how crushed I was back then. You don't have any idea. At this moment, I have every right to be cautious, or even paranoid.
Three. Whether you realise about it or not, contacting your ex when everybody thought I stole you from her, you'll just tarnish my name. And especially for her, in her eyes, she will see me as someone who fails to win your heart. Someone who fails to make you Love. Someone who is not powerful enough to make you forget her. You will let me down and I know, she may as well think of me as a loser.
Please, I know you've told me that it was nothing but looking at a larger view, I wouldn't know what your intentions are. Was it really nothing? Or was there something? Call me anything you want; paranoid, insecure, too much.. But for all I know, you've done this before and if you want to make it happen again, please let me walk far away from you so I won't really feel the pain.
And now, when I asked you on whether you want to keep the relationship going between us, I found that it's really difficult for you to give me even a simple answer. Please, do let me know if you have even the slightest intention to let this go. Don't leave this and me hanging around with questions without answers.
Please.
A Letter For You
If I've been bad, I apologise.
But let me tell you how I actually felt when we were in Ipoh.
Masa kat Pasar Pagi, you marah I kat public just because I tak gantung camera leash kat keher. I rasa sangat offended. Even you kata I degil etc., tapi I still buat apa yang you suruh. Then, masa I dok berpeluh2 panas+haus+penat mata betulkan casting machine you, I mintak you nyalalkan rokok sebatang pun, you tak nak tolong. I know, maybe you tak nak bagi I smoke depan Mami. Tapi I dah mintak izin Mami; dia bagi. In fact, dia sendiri suruh I smoke, jangan segan2 depan dia. I kecik hati, sebab apa yang you suruh I buat, I cuba fulfill every single thing, tapi bila I mintak you nyalakan sebatang rokok pun, you tak nak tolong..
Then masa I lapar, haus, tengok2 you tak tapau apa2 for my breakfast, bila you tau I tak makan, tak minum air setitik pun malam sebelumnya. Lagi I tambah kecik hati, terus potong apetite I nak makan masa tu. Because I know how you'd act if this was your situation. Even if you masakkan untuk I pun lepas tu, I terpaksa jamah sikit sebab lapar sangat. But my heart was still hurt.
And then I found out you contact you ex. Muk Muk? Sempat lagi you nak bermanja dengan your ex-gf sedangkan gf you kat sebelah tengah hurt gila pasal you and your actions. And I think just calling her name would be enough kalau you just nak say Hi. Tapi Muk Muk? Of course, I lagilah tambah sakit hati. Macam mana kalau I contact ex I masa you tengah hurt about me and my behaviour, panggil nama manja dia masa I dengan dia dulu?
Now your turn pulak nak play quiet. I tak tau if you just nak balas balik or you dah tak nak teruskan relation ni lagi. Kalau you rasa you dah tak nak relation ni, and that you think your ex is better, wayyy better, let me know if you're leaving so I won't in vain. But if you nak teruskan hubungan ni, a big tight hug and a sincere 'Sorry' dah cukup baik untuk I.
And please, stop contacting your ex if you want to be with me. You know I hate it, and you know that I takkan nak bermanja2 dengan my ex, under any conditions.
Like you said, we improvise.
But let me tell you how I actually felt when we were in Ipoh.
Masa kat Pasar Pagi, you marah I kat public just because I tak gantung camera leash kat keher. I rasa sangat offended. Even you kata I degil etc., tapi I still buat apa yang you suruh. Then, masa I dok berpeluh2 panas+haus+penat mata betulkan casting machine you, I mintak you nyalalkan rokok sebatang pun, you tak nak tolong. I know, maybe you tak nak bagi I smoke depan Mami. Tapi I dah mintak izin Mami; dia bagi. In fact, dia sendiri suruh I smoke, jangan segan2 depan dia. I kecik hati, sebab apa yang you suruh I buat, I cuba fulfill every single thing, tapi bila I mintak you nyalakan sebatang rokok pun, you tak nak tolong..
Then masa I lapar, haus, tengok2 you tak tapau apa2 for my breakfast, bila you tau I tak makan, tak minum air setitik pun malam sebelumnya. Lagi I tambah kecik hati, terus potong apetite I nak makan masa tu. Because I know how you'd act if this was your situation. Even if you masakkan untuk I pun lepas tu, I terpaksa jamah sikit sebab lapar sangat. But my heart was still hurt.
And then I found out you contact you ex. Muk Muk? Sempat lagi you nak bermanja dengan your ex-gf sedangkan gf you kat sebelah tengah hurt gila pasal you and your actions. And I think just calling her name would be enough kalau you just nak say Hi. Tapi Muk Muk? Of course, I lagilah tambah sakit hati. Macam mana kalau I contact ex I masa you tengah hurt about me and my behaviour, panggil nama manja dia masa I dengan dia dulu?
Now your turn pulak nak play quiet. I tak tau if you just nak balas balik or you dah tak nak teruskan relation ni lagi. Kalau you rasa you dah tak nak relation ni, and that you think your ex is better, wayyy better, let me know if you're leaving so I won't in vain. But if you nak teruskan hubungan ni, a big tight hug and a sincere 'Sorry' dah cukup baik untuk I.
And please, stop contacting your ex if you want to be with me. You know I hate it, and you know that I takkan nak bermanja2 dengan my ex, under any conditions.
Like you said, we improvise.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Awak
Awak, lepas kita gaduh dengan aman hari tu, lepas awak marah saya, lepas saya lawan cakap awak, lepas saya nangis2, lepas awak grip lengan saya (& awak cakap awak tak nak buat saya GF je tapi awak nak buat saya isteri awak & saya sangat terharu), saya nampak awak berubah. Saya tengok awak dah tak kasar2 sangat dengan saya. Awak cakap baik2, elok2 dengan saya even lepas saya buat salah. Awak dah tak jerkah2 saya mcam dulu. Mula2 saya tak perasan, tapi lama2 baru saya nampak perubahan kat awak bila kita dah berapa lama tak gaduh. Saya tengok awak pun dah faham bila saya tak suka apa yang awak buat kat saya & awak apologise. Saya pun dah boleh keraskan hati saya sikit, tak emo sangat bila awak tegur saya, sebab saya tau kadang2 awak tak bermaksud pun nak berkasar dengan saya. Takpe, saya cuba faham situasi awak.
Terima kasih, awak. Dengan perubahan awak ni, saya rasa bahagia sangat, awak. Saya perasan, lepas malam tu, kita dah tak ada gaduh2 dah pasal benda2 kecik yang jadi. Saya tengok awak dah semakin tenang, kecuali masa awak bangun tidur. Hehe. Yang tu saya tak kisahlah, kadang2 saya pun moody bila baru bangun tidur.
Awak, saya harap kita dapat teruskan hubungan yang harmoni macam ni sampai bila2. Saya harap perubahan positif yang ada kat hubungan kita ni berkekalan. Saya bersyukur sangat, awak. Saya tau, awak banyak bersabar dengan perangai saya. Percayalah, saya pun banyak bersabar dengan kerenah awak. Tapi buat masa ni, walaupun tak keseluruhan, saya nampak perubahan dalam hubungan kita. Terima kasih sangat2 awak. Awak betul2 buat saya happy.
Awak sentiasa ada kat sebelah saya. Mana2 awak pergi, kalau saya nak ikut, awak bawak saya. Saya happy, awak. Walaupun kadang2 saya rasa awak macam dingin dengan saya, dan saya tau awak fikirkan masalah awak sangat, tapi saya tak kisah, asalkan awak ada dengan saya. kat sebelah saya. Saya tau awak selamat.
Terima kasih, awak. Saya betul2 hargai perubahan positif dalam diri awak, saya dan hubungan kita. Sekarang saya dapat rasa nikmat lepas setahun lebih saya bersabar. Terima kasih, awak. Terima kasih sangat2. Saya sayang awak.
Terima kasih, awak. Dengan perubahan awak ni, saya rasa bahagia sangat, awak. Saya perasan, lepas malam tu, kita dah tak ada gaduh2 dah pasal benda2 kecik yang jadi. Saya tengok awak dah semakin tenang, kecuali masa awak bangun tidur. Hehe. Yang tu saya tak kisahlah, kadang2 saya pun moody bila baru bangun tidur.
Awak, saya harap kita dapat teruskan hubungan yang harmoni macam ni sampai bila2. Saya harap perubahan positif yang ada kat hubungan kita ni berkekalan. Saya bersyukur sangat, awak. Saya tau, awak banyak bersabar dengan perangai saya. Percayalah, saya pun banyak bersabar dengan kerenah awak. Tapi buat masa ni, walaupun tak keseluruhan, saya nampak perubahan dalam hubungan kita. Terima kasih sangat2 awak. Awak betul2 buat saya happy.
Awak sentiasa ada kat sebelah saya. Mana2 awak pergi, kalau saya nak ikut, awak bawak saya. Saya happy, awak. Walaupun kadang2 saya rasa awak macam dingin dengan saya, dan saya tau awak fikirkan masalah awak sangat, tapi saya tak kisah, asalkan awak ada dengan saya. kat sebelah saya. Saya tau awak selamat.
Terima kasih, awak. Saya betul2 hargai perubahan positif dalam diri awak, saya dan hubungan kita. Sekarang saya dapat rasa nikmat lepas setahun lebih saya bersabar. Terima kasih, awak. Terima kasih sangat2. Saya sayang awak.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Open Heart, Open Mind.
Saya bukan nak mengungkit, tapi ini yang saya rasa, dan saya tak boleh nak bagitau awak face-to-face sebab nanti awak melenting meletup sebab awak tak boleh terima. Saya dah tak boleh nak tahan lagi dengan perangai awak yang selalu lukakan hati saya. Hari2, saya jaga hati awak, saya elakkan daripada tinggi suara kat awak. Saya tak pernah maki awak. Saya cuba & cuba bersabar dengan kerenah awak, dengan baran awak, dengan mulut awak. Bila awak marah saya, awak tak cakap elok2, awak terus burst kat saya. Awak ada pernah tak, sekali pun terfikir yang hati saya selalu remuk sebab awak? Pernah tak? Pernah tak awak terfikir yang kata2 awak tu macam pisau, tajam sangat? Awak ada pernah terfikir tak?
Bila saya selalu pesan kat awak supaya selalu bersabar dengan orang, beradab dengan orang, awak kata saya berlagak mulia. WTF?? Selama awak dengan saya, memang itu je ke yang awak nampak kat saya? Berlagak mulia? Awak, kalau saya berlagak je mulia, saya takkan bertahan dengan awak sampai setahun lebih. Saya dah tinggal awak, takpun cari lelaki lain awal2 lagi dah. Saya betul2 tak boleh terima bila awak cakap macam tu. Lagi satu bila awak cakap macam tu, saya faham lah, maknanya awak tak suka merendah diri. Awak tak nak mengalah. Awak nak semua orang hormat awak.
Awak ego. Ego sangat2. Saya tanya awak, ego awak tu pernah bagi apa kelebihan kat awak? Dengan ego awak tu, awak dapat rumah besar ke? Dapat kereta besar ke? Awak bawak ego awak tu pergi kedai pajak, orang kedai tu nak ambik ke ego awak tu? Saya tanya awak, boleh ke ego awak tu bagi kebahagiaan kat awak? Saya dah cuba rendahkan ego awak, lembutkan hati awak supaya aawak jadi orang yang boleh bertoleransi. Tapi awak ingat saya nak buat awak tunduk kat saya. Awak ni bodoh ke apa? Tak reti nak tengok kelebihan rendahkan ego? Bukannya saya mintak awak buang semua ego awak tu. Saya nak awak rendahkan sikit je.
Sebabnya? Awak tanyalah siapa pun, tak ada perempuan yang suka lelaki ego. Sesama lelaki pun menyampah. Sebab ego ni setan. Awak sendiri tau, berapa banyak rumahtangga hancur sebab ego. Takkan awak tak faham2 lagi? Ego awak yang awak sayang sangat tu sebenarnya tak ada guna sikit pun. Kalau kita kahwin, dengan perangai awak yang awak tak nak ubah tu, tak mustahil satu hari nanti kita bercerai sebab ego kesayangan awak tu.
Awak panas baran. Sangat! Sifat ni pun tak guna satu sen pun. Untuk apa awak nak simpan baran awak tu kalau awak sendiri pun tau yang fungsi baran tu satu je - menghancurkan. Awak tau sangat2 pasal ni. Tapi tak, awak nak jugak simpan baran awak tu. Saya pun tak tau kenapa. Sebab saya yang paling dekat dengan awak, sayalah yang selalu jadi tempat awak nak lepaskan baran awak tu. Takkan awak nak lepaskan kat kawan2 kesayangan awak pulak kan? Saya tau. Memang saya yang selalu dapat habuan tu. Tapi, awak ada terfikir tak, kalau baran saya sama level dengan baran awak? Awak ada fikir tak berapa banyak saya kena sabar dengan baran awak tu?
Saya asyik nasihat, nasihat. Sampai saya sendiri pun dah tak larat nak nasihat awak supaya lose the temper! Awak macam tak faham bahasa melayu. Saya nak kena ukir kat otak awak tu ke, baru awak nak ingat? Dah berbuih mulut saya cakap, cakap dan cakap kat awak yang perangai baran awak tu tak bagi apa2 manfaat pun. Either kat awak, kat saya or kat mana2 hubungan. Boleh tak awak faham? Boleh tak awak jadi orang yang rasionalnya tinggi? Yang boleh kawal diri? Susah sangat ke nak buat? Sedangkan diri awak sendiri kot. Takkan diri awak nak kena orang lain yang kawal pulak?
Awak biadap. Panggillah apa pun; laser, mulut longkang, celupar, outspoken, blunt, rude.. Semua tu awak ada. Sebab awak buat semua tu. Mungkin awak tak perasan, tapi saya & orang2 kat sekeliling awak tau perangai awak tu. Tanyalah siapa pun, semua kawan2 awak cakap awak macam tu. Awak tak malu ke, orang cakap awak mulut celupar? Biadap? Awak tak rasa segan ke bila orang tengok awak macam tu? Saya malu. Saya malu bila orang datang kat saya kata BF saya mulut kurang ajar. Saya tak tau nak defend apa kat orang sebab memang awak macam tu. Awak rasa, dengan mulut awak tu, orang boleh hormat awak ke? Orang boleh pandang tinggi kat awak sebab mulut awak ke? Entah2 orang malas nak layan mulut awak tu, and orang dah tak kuasa nak tegur awak sebab awak memang tak makan nasihat.
Pujuklah, nasihatlah macam mana pun, awak tetap dengan mulut celupar awak. Awak ada terfikir tak, kalau perangai awak ni turun kat anak awak, dia pulak marah awak, tengking awak, perli awak, kurang ajar dengan awak? Awak ada terfikir tak pasal tu? Saya rasa tak. Sebab awak bangga sangat dengan mulut awak tu, dengan celupar awak tu. Akal awak letak kat mana? Kat tapak kasut awak ke?
Bila saya buat kat awak, pandai awak marah. kata saya kurang ajar la apa la. Tapi awak? Ada awak cermin diri awak tu, perangai macam mana? Kalau perangai awak tu elok sangat boleh la kalau awak nak marah saya. Tapi hakikatnya awak lagi teruk dari saya. Awak pernah kata, anak yang baik datang dari keluarga yang baik. Dari perangai awak, saya dah tau keluarga saya yang porak peranda lagi baik dari keluarga awak. Sebab saya tak tengking mak ayah saya macam mana awak buat kat mak bapak awak. Awak boleh sedar sikit tak, yang mulut lancang awak yang non-stop tu buat orang menyampah kat awak? Sesuka hati cakap orang tu bodoh, orang ni stupid, orang tu idiot..
Awak tu pandai sangat ke nak kata orang lain bodoh? Awak tau segala2nya ke nak kata orang lain tak pandai? Saya tanya awak, awak reti melukis ke? Awak tau bertukang ke? Awak reti menanam ke? Tak kan? So, sedarlah yang awak tak tau segala2nya. Ada bidang yang awak tak tau, melainkan awak belajar pasal bidang tu.
Awak nak orang hormat awak, awak nak orang takut kat awak. Awak ingat awak tu siapa? Tuhan? Malaikat? Awak nobody, tau ke? NOBODY. Kalau kat ofis awak, orang hormat awak sebab awak rajin, sebab awak senior.. Tak apa lah. Tapi kalau awak nak sampai semua orang untuk hormat awak, awak silap la. Bukan semua orang kerja satu ofis dengan awak, yang mana yang kerja kat situ rata2nya minah gedik, minah rempit, unggek2 je. Memanglah semua boleh hormat awak. Sebab diorang tengok awak berduit, sebab dengan kerja macam tu awak boleh pakai motor besar, kereta lagi.. Kan?
Jujur saya cakap, awak tak ada apa2. Bila awak nak saya takut kat awak jugak, memang saya tak boleh terima. Sebab awak bukan siapa2 untuk saya. Lainlah kalau awak tu suami saya. Ada sebab jugaklah kalau awak nak saya takut kat awak, sebab syurga kat bawah tapak kaki awak. Tapi saya tak rasa saya patut takut kat awak. Sebab awak tak ada apa2. Sebab kalau setakat sebab badan awak besar, duit awak banyak (banyak ke?), baran awak tinggi saya kena takut kat awak, awak silaplah. Yang ada kat saya untuk awak cuma hormat. Saya hormat awak sebab awak banyak pengalaman, awak banyak pengetahuan. Tapi bukan sebab duit awak. Duit saya pun boleh cari. Mana2 pun boleh jumpa duit. Tapi saya takkan hormat seseorang sebab duit dia. Mengarut!
Ingatlah Tuhan bila awak nak orang takut kat awak. Sebab bila2 masa je Tuhan boleh buat awak hilang upaya untuk berdiri gagah depan mata orang.
Awak selalu berlagak, menunjuk kat orang apa yang awak ada. Saya tak suka, sebab saya percaya kat sifat rendah diri. Awak ingat orang kisah sangat ke dengan apa yang awak ada? Orang tengok sekejap je orang suka, lepas tu bila orang dah tau apa yang awak ada, orang gunakan awak. Awak nampak tak kronologi tu? Saya dah lama perhati je perangai awak ni. Bila saya nasihat, awak kata saya bising, saya membebel. Yang sampai orang pecahkan bearing kereta awak tu? Tak gunakan awak namanya? Bila saya kata awak pendek akal, awak marah, tak boleh terima. Tapi itu hakikatnya. Awak tak nampak apa niat orang kat awak melalui perangai diorang. Awak nak saya buka cerita satu per satu ke pasal orang gunakan awak? Saya rasa awak sendiri tau pasal tu kot.
Awak sangat pentingkan diri. Sangat sangat sangat! Awak pentingkan masa awak, kawan2 awak, hartabenda awak, diri awak! Ada awak peduli kebajikan orang lain, ayah awak contohnya. Dari awak kecik dia besarkan awak, sampaikan awak pun dah jadi lagi besar dari dia, ada awak peduli kesihatan dia? Tak, awak buat bodoh je. Saya faham, awak anak tunggal, dah biasa hidup sendiri. Tapi itu bukan alasan awak untuk pentingkan diri sendiri. Bila awak kahwin, kepentingan awak jadi nombor 2, keluarga, anak2 yang patut diutamakan. Ini tidak, awak kata awak nak kahwin dengan saya tapi awak buat saya macam mana? Awak lagi sayang material daripada orang yang selalu jaga awak! Semua benda saya kena buat. Semua benda saya kena mengalah. Awak nak menang je selalu. tak pentingkan diri ke namanya tu? Bukak mata awak tu sikit. Dengan perangai awak yang macam ni, tak taulah siapa yang boleh tahan dengan awak. Kawan2 awak pun tak tahan dengan awak tau tak?
Awak, kalau awak nak saya kurangkan emo saya, saya boleh buat. Saya akan buang emo saya tu. Syaratnya? Awak buang la ego & baran & celupar awak tu. Awak sendiri tau, kalau tak ada apa2 yang buat saya kecik hati kat awak, saya takkan nak emo2 & merajuk. Takkanlah saya nak merajuk tak tentu pasal dengan awak tanpa sebab. Saya boleh kurangkan emo saya, kalau awak tak marah2 saya, blunt dengan saya. Kan saya dah bagitau awak dari dulu lagi, saya sensitif sangat2. So, of course-lah saya emo kalau apa yang awak cakap kata saya tu lukakan hati saya. Kalau awak tak buat perangai, tak baran, tak ego, tak celupar, nak buat apa saya nak emo2 dengan awak? Betul tak?
Awak, kalau awak nak saya kurangkan emo saya, saya boleh buat. Saya akan buang emo saya tu. Syaratnya? Awak buang la ego & baran & celupar awak tu. Awak sendiri tau, kalau tak ada apa2 yang buat saya kecik hati kat awak, saya takkan nak emo2 & merajuk. Takkanlah saya nak merajuk tak tentu pasal dengan awak tanpa sebab. Saya boleh kurangkan emo saya, kalau awak tak marah2 saya, blunt dengan saya. Kan saya dah bagitau awak dari dulu lagi, saya sensitif sangat2. So, of course-lah saya emo kalau apa yang awak cakap kata saya tu lukakan hati saya. Kalau awak tak buat perangai, tak baran, tak ego, tak celupar, nak buat apa saya nak emo2 dengan awak? Betul tak?
Kalau awak baca entri ni, saya harap awak tak marah. Saya harap awak dapat buka hati, buka minda, lapangkan dada awak luas2 dan terima. Saya nak awak sedar, yang semua tu tak elok untuk awak, especially untuk masa depan awak. Ini kebenaran. Awak nafikan macam mana pun, semua orang tau yang inilah awak. Bukannya saya nafikan kebaikan awak, tak. Saya tau banyak kebaikan awak sebenarnya, tapi sebab ego awak tu, sebab selfish awak tu, sebab awak nak orang hormat awak, takut kat awak, segala kebaikan awak, awak simpan. Kalau saya jadi awak lah, saya keluarkan semua kebaikan saya supaya orang tak takut kat saya, tapi orang sayang & hormat kat saya.
Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak tengok satu2nya lelaki yang saya sayang boleh jadi seorang lelaki budiman, yang disayangi di dunia dan jugak di akhirat nanti. Awak, kalaulah awak boleh berubah, hidup awak akan lagi tambah2 bahagia & orang2 kat sekeliling awak sayangkan awak, hormat awak. Bukan sebab harta, tapi sebab awak; diri awak. Kalau saya masih kat sebelah awak masa tu, saya lah partner yang paling bangga, paling bahagia, dan sayalah orang yang paling hormat awak.
Awak tau tak, kalau kita kahwin, nanti kalau saya masuk syurga tapi awak kena masuk neraka, Allah akan kahwinkan saya lagi sekali dengan pari2 lelaki yang ada kat syurga tau? Mana2 isteri pun macam tu. Awak nak masuk neraka ke?
Awak, saya mintak maaf banyak2 kalau awak baca entri ni & awak sakit hati. Tapi ini je cara saya untuk luahkan apa yang saya rasa, apa yang saya nampak, apa yang saya tak puas hati. Dan ini lebih baik daripada saya cerita kat orang lain, & boleh jadi fitnah. Saya tau, awak pun tau, kalau saya cakap benda2 ni depan awak, saya takkan boleh habis sebab tak sampai separuh saya cakap awak akan potong & awak akan melenting2 marah. Sebab saya tau awak tak boleh terima. Saya sedih sangat bila awak buat macam tu. Seolah2 saya ni nobody untuk awak. Hina sangat ke saya kat mata awak? Sampai awak boleh buat sesuka hati awak kat saya? Kalau awak sayang, macam ni ke cara awak tunjukkan kasih sayang awak kat saya?
Awak belajarlah terima kebenaran, walaupun semua orang tau, kebenaran tu memang sangat2 menyakitkan. Belajarlah bersabar, merendah diri. Belajarlah mengaku kesilapan & maafkan kesilapan orang lain. Belajarlah handle kritikan dari orang lain. Belajarlah awak, masih belum terlambat untuk awak belajar sekarang. Jangan nanti bila dah nazak, nak mati baru awak nak belajar. Masa tu dah tak guna kalau awak nak menyesal ke apa ke. Sekarang ni lah awak, sementara masih ada lagi orang yang sayang kat awak, kawan2 ada kat sekeliling awak. Takkan lah bila dah tinggal sorang2 baru awak nak sedar? Masa tu orang dah tak nak kawan awak dah, orang dah tak nak sayang awak dah. Semua dah sibuk dengan hal masing2.
Berhenti sekejap. Fikir. Apa jenis masa depan yang awak nak.
Berhenti sekejap. Fikir. Apa jenis masa depan yang awak nak.
Again, saya mintak maaf kat awak sangat2 kalau awak baca entri ni. Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak buktikan, yang awak boleh jadi lelaki budiman kat orang2 kat luar sana yang selalu perlekehkan awak, kutuk2 awak. Buktikanlah awak, yang awak ni lelaki sejati, a true gentleman yang sempurna & boleh bahagiakan orang yang sayang kat awak. Saya tau awak boleh, sebab awak kuat. Awak mampu. Jadilah lelaki budiman, B. InsyaAllah, banyak faedahnya.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)