Is he worth it to fight for? At first, I thought he is. But after giving it a real deep thought and considering him being himself.. I don't think I'm going to fight that hard for him.
Why? If you ask me, I'm not really going to ask him to come back. What for? Why should I fight when he's comfortable there with his bunch of friends, right?
It's not that aku tak nak fight, or give up trying. It's just that aku tak fikir yang usaha aku untuk dia visible, or can be seen by him. Sebab, kalau dia nampak aku betul2 nak perbetulkan salah aku, maybe he'll reply my texts or even call me. Tapi tak ada apa2. And memang aku saja letak time frame seminggu untuk dia respond. Tapi tak ada. So I take it as he quits. Sensible? For me, yeah.
Kadang2 aku wonder, why am I still in this ridiculous, melodramatic rut?
Kenapa aku still biarkan diri aku dalam keadaan macam ni, sedangkan aku and everybody else know I can do better? Kenapa? Aku sendiri pun tak faham dengan diri sendiri. Aku selalu fikir, kenapa aku susah nak lepaskan dia pergi? Apa yang aku sayang sangat kat dia? And no matter how many times that question pops up in my mind, aku tak ada jawapan. Aku stuck.
People say; you don't need a reason to love someone.
Maybe.
Memang aku tak tau pun sebab apa aku sayang dia. And kalau boleh aku tak nak let go. Note, kalau boleh. Even after all the things yang jadi antara kitorang.
But then, bila aku fikir balik, aku rasa he doesn't give a rat's ass about it. Biar je. And aku rasa memang dia happy dengan kawan2 dia. Nobody controls him, tak ada sapa pun yang tegur apa dia buat kan. So I guess, biar la dia. Maybe bila dia dengan aku, life dia tak fun. Dia tak ketawa, tak bergurau sampai gelak nak pecah perut. Dia tak happy macam mana dia dengan kawan2 dia. Takkan dia nak berkepit dengan aku when he can have all the fun in the world dengan kawan2 dia kan? Plus, dia pun selalu cakap, kawan2 priority dia. Siapa la aku ni, nak mintak lebih2. Girlfriend? Tunang? Do I even have a title/name in his life? Methinks not. Maybe just a person to stand beside him. Who knows?
Then again, since I'm not your everything, how about I be nothing at all to you?
Easier, no?
Bukan ke lagi senang kalau masa aku text2 dia hari tu, dia bagitau terus yang dia dah tak nak teruskan? Simple. One text. The end. Period.
Sebab aku pun dah tak rasa yang dia nak teruskan lagi dah. Why? According to my paranoid thinking.. Sebab dia pun boleh buat bodoh, as if takde pape jadi. As if dia single kan. So be it lah. Aku pun dah tak nak jatuhkan pride aku lagi sebagai perempuan, mintak2 sangat kat dia sedangkan dia tak peduli sikit pun. As if dia sorang je lelaki kat atas muka bumi ni. He should know better, yang aku takkan nak fight sangat untuk dia. Sebab apa? After all those things yang dah jadi, dia nak aku fight for him oh so full-heartedly ke?
Think again.
Aku rasa maybe its better if we are apart. Sebab aku tak rasa aku mampu nak tahan lagi perangai baran dia, maki, pukul.. Even kalau tak pukul pun, dia tetap akan berkasar dengan aku. I don't think he knows his strength. Dia rasa macam tak kuat, tapi aku rasa macam mana dia tak tau. And then those words.. Those sharp, penetrating words yang akan keluar bila dia naik angin. Especially bila aku tengah broke. Memang dibuat macam sampah masyarakat. As if aku ni hina sangat sebab tak ada duit. Aku ingat lagi apa yang dia cakap. Penniless. Fuh, aku tak tau macam mana aku boleh bertahan lama dengan dia. It is such a mystery.
The best part yang buat aku tak nak fight untuk dia is, perangai mata keranjang dia. Those girls! Aku tak tau apa sebenarnya niat dia, penuhkan akaun Facebook dia dengan perempuan. Seriously, aku tak tau apa akan jadi kat Facebook aku kalau perangai dia ada kat aku. Full with cute & good looking guys. Will he feel intimidated? I wonder.. Tapi aku rasa, daripada aku sakit hati tengok dia flirt dengan perempuan tah sapa2 & his exes, lagi baik aku single kot. Hm. Better. Hati aku pun tak sakit tengok dia bermanja2 dengan perempuan lain kan. Tak buat depan aku pulak tu. Sorok2. Kau ingat aku ni buta? Haish..
Bad, bad relationship/love resume.
One more reason not to fight for it.
Sayang? Of course. Tapi aku tak nak biar hati aku menanah dengan perangai dia lagi. Hidup tak lama. Kalau esok aku mati, kan dah sia2 hidup? Sibuk dengan orang lain, hati aku dah rupa debu. Baik aku jaga diri sendiri dulu. Dia bukannya peduli aku hidup ke mati pun. Aku je yang kepoh nak risaukan dia sangat. Nak buat apa? Sia2 je. Dia dah besar panjang. Pandai la dia jaga diri.
Then again, aku rasa, lama jugak ni untuk aku get over relationship ni. Lama kot. Attached. Susah sikit nak let go. Maybe'll take a couple of months. Once aku dah stabil nanti, ok lah kot. Gotta beautify myself balik. Dah lama diri sendiri terbiar. Nak mekap pun dah tak berapa rajin dah. Hm. Teruk betul!
Stop sighing lah! Take a deep breath, turn over a new leaf.
I can do it!
Life is full of surprises~
Actng Mets
- missnoperfect
- KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
- This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
From Ashes to Dust
Days fly so fast
Yet why am I steadfast?
I can't move
I can't think
Even meals don't taste the same
Feels like someone turn out the flame
Time seems to freeze
I've lost my dreams
Fourth October night, my fright
If only I can turn the clock on the wall
How I can only wish for it all
I gotta fix it, fix it!
But I can't do it without you
Don't you feel the same too?
I'll be waiting for a hello from you
No matter a sunshine or lightning
Why won't you say something?
Perhaps if I can vanish
Don't think I'm running away
'Cos you know where I'd stand
But if you don't want this
It wouldn't kill for you to say
That all you want is for this to end.
I can't fix it anymore
I'll just vanish say no more
... If only you sent me home to find truce, I'd be happy to. But instead, I was asked to go home because I was just a burden standing next to you. Two weeks, and I feel like this has been going on for two years. But thanks to you, for deserting me that night. I regained what I have left when I was with you. Being alone helps finding that. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
You know what I want the most? One text from you. Only one. Either saying you've forgiven me, or a text that says the end. That's all.
If only feelings can be taken out.. I would rip it off my chest, put it in a steel box and throw it away into the ocean.
Yet why am I steadfast?
I can't move
I can't think
Even meals don't taste the same
Feels like someone turn out the flame
Time seems to freeze
I've lost my dreams
Fourth October night, my fright
If only I can turn the clock on the wall
How I can only wish for it all
I gotta fix it, fix it!
But I can't do it without you
Don't you feel the same too?
I'll be waiting for a hello from you
No matter a sunshine or lightning
Why won't you say something?
Perhaps if I can vanish
Don't think I'm running away
'Cos you know where I'd stand
But if you don't want this
It wouldn't kill for you to say
That all you want is for this to end.
I can't fix it anymore
I'll just vanish say no more
... If only you sent me home to find truce, I'd be happy to. But instead, I was asked to go home because I was just a burden standing next to you. Two weeks, and I feel like this has been going on for two years. But thanks to you, for deserting me that night. I regained what I have left when I was with you. Being alone helps finding that. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
You know what I want the most? One text from you. Only one. Either saying you've forgiven me, or a text that says the end. That's all.
If only feelings can be taken out.. I would rip it off my chest, put it in a steel box and throw it away into the ocean.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Final Draw
I love you. With all my heart.
But I can't take your words & how you torture my insides.
I can never forget the humiliation.
It sticks in my heart like a stain.
Never forget what you said,
"You don't fit to be with me".
I'll find someone else.
Who takes me as I am.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being stepped on.
Dear Jimmy
I tak tau sampai bila you nak buat diam macam ni. Dah lebih seminggu I tunggu you. Kalau you buat macam ni in order to torture me, yes. You have succeeded. Memang you berjaya buat I sakit. Congratulations. Sampai bila you nak buat macam ni? I tak tau. Apa yang I tau, I nak fix apa yang dah jadi. That night, kita dua2 salah. Tapi kenapa I rasa macam I sorang je yang buat salah? Kenapa I rasa macam I dah buat one really bad thing yang you sampai nak hukum I macam ni? I tak faham.
I tau, I pun ada salah dalam hal ni. Tapi kita dua2 salah. Kenapa bila I cuba baiki masalah ni, you refuse? I mintak maaf, I pujuk you, macam2 I cakap untuk lembutkan hati you. Tapi you buat derk je. Macam I terhegeh2 sangat kat you. I just want to fix it. Salah ke?
Then I tengok kat FB you, lagu Khatimah Cinta. Siap tulis sudahlah sudah, ku harus pergi, jangan kau tangisi aku lagi. If you nak pergi, just say it! Cakap, we settle apa yang patut and I takkan ganggu you lagi.
Memang I sayang you. Memang kalau boleh I tak nak lepaskan you, I nak pertahankan lagi apa yang ada. I dah start sayang you macam mana I pernah sayang you dulu. Tapi, too bad. Shit happens. We fight. And you tak berganjak dari silent treatment macam yang you selalu buat. You tau I tak suka. You buat jugak.
I wonder, apa lagi yang you nak B. I dengar cakap you. I setia dengan you. Apa yang you tak suka, I tak buat. I hadap caci maki you. I tahan pukul you. I tak buat benda mengarut belakang you. Berapa banyak airmata I keluar sebab you pun I lost track. I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dalam relationship. I tak tau apa lagi yang you cari dalam life you. Sebab bagi I, apa yang I ada sekarang dah cukup. Orang2 yang I sayang ada dekat dengan I & I tau diorang semua selamat. You, I tak tau.
You nak I jadi isteri mithali untuk you? Boleh. Syaratnya, you imamkan I solat 5 waktu sehari semalam. Tu je I mintak. At least dalam satu hari you imamkan I solat walaupun satu waktu, and I dapat cium tangan you lepas you imamkan I pun, I dah happy.
Tapi, you rasa relationship kita ni ada bright future ke? Even dah dekat 3 tahun, kita pun dah banyak tau pasal each other. What do you think?
Ada lagi ke ruang untuk improvement?
I rasa, mungkin ni last la kot kita gaduh. Last kita separate. I rasa mungkin separate kali ni for good. I dah try fix masalah ni & pujuk you. I'm not like you, boleh biar melarat lama2. No. I akan buat, buat & buat. Tapi bila I tengok tak ada hasil, time to buat benda lain pulak lah.
Memang I ada cakap yang I takkan give up on us. Tapi I rasa, sia2 I buat kalau the effort is only on my side. I also said that you are my life. Tapi maybe it's not important to you anymore. I pun tak tau, maybe you're happier living among your friends without me. Call me paranoid, call me insecure. I tak tau apa yang you buat kat sana. And my insecure feelings say that you happy. Tak tau lah kalau otherwise...
Banyak lagi benda yang I nak cakap kat you. Tapi I rasa, biarlah. Tak guna lagi kalau I nak cakap apa2 pun. Mana ada you nak spend time listen to me pun...
Sigh--
Takpe lah, B. If you nak pergi, I akan tangisi, tapi I tak boleh halang you. I cuba pujuk you, all pride ke apa sekalipun I tolak tepi, tapi you tetap berkeras. I tak mampu buat apa2. And I belum ada apa2. I cuma ada setia & sayang untuk you.
Kalau apa yang I ada tak cukup untuk you, then there's nothing that I can do to stop you from going. Apa yang I mampu buat is doakan you happy, walaupun maybe bukan I yang buat you happy.
I Love You.
And I'm sincerely sorry atas apa yang dah jadi.
So long...
Padahal malam tu, you jerit kat I just because I rushing mintak buku resit dari you. Tu je. I pun tak tau kenapa boleh jadi isu besar.
That night, I ingat you akan betul2 pujuk I untuk stay, tapi tak. I jalan tak pedulikan you. I nak jugak tengok sejauhmana you nak halang I. Sikit je you try and then you left. Never bothered about how am I going to live on the street, never bothered if I'm safe or in danger. Tak sangka...
Entahlah, B.
You marah, sebab I pergi keluar dari kereta & ignore you. Tapi, ada you fikir kenapa I buat macam tu? You really crushed me bila you halau I balik Cheras. Memang. Termasuk malam tu, dah 3-4 kali you suruh I balik Cheras.Kalau you suruh I balik Cheras & minta maaf dengan Mama takpe jugak.. It kills me setiap kali I dengar you cakap macam tu. Tak terlintas ke kat fikiran you sebab I stay is because I nak tolong you? Sebab I tak nak tengok you buat kerja sorang2?
Maybe not.
That day, you balik I tengah tidur kat rumah. Mesti you ingat I overnight kat rumah kan? Nope. I didn't. And I rasa you tak perlu tau I merempat tidur kat mana lepas you tinggal I sorang malam tu. Dua malam I ada kat area situ. I ada kat Keramat lagi that day sebab I nak basuh baju2 I & pergi mana2 tempat yang I boleh pergi. I mintak tolong you hantar I pergi KL Sentral. Remember what did you say? Pergilah naik bas!
Takpe lah. I usung kain baju I naik tren pergi KL Sentral.
Sebelum ni, I tak rasa sangat bila kita gaduh & separate. Tapi kali ni memang I terasa, yang sebenarnya I tak penting pun dalam hidup you. That's why I pergi mana, dengan siapa, naik apa, balik macam mana, you tak peduli. Masa tu I cuma ada RM2 dalam purse. You ada tak terfikir macam mana I nak balik Cheras dengan duit banyak tu? I don't think so. Sebab I tau apa yang lagi penting bagi you daripada nak fikir benda2 macam ni.
That night, I ingat you akan betul2 pujuk I untuk stay, tapi tak. I jalan tak pedulikan you. I nak jugak tengok sejauhmana you nak halang I. Sikit je you try and then you left. Never bothered about how am I going to live on the street, never bothered if I'm safe or in danger. Tak sangka...
Entahlah, B.
You marah, sebab I pergi keluar dari kereta & ignore you. Tapi, ada you fikir kenapa I buat macam tu? You really crushed me bila you halau I balik Cheras. Memang. Termasuk malam tu, dah 3-4 kali you suruh I balik Cheras.
Maybe not.
That day, you balik I tengah tidur kat rumah. Mesti you ingat I overnight kat rumah kan? Nope. I didn't. And I rasa you tak perlu tau I merempat tidur kat mana lepas you tinggal I sorang malam tu. Dua malam I ada kat area situ. I ada kat Keramat lagi that day sebab I nak basuh baju2 I & pergi mana2 tempat yang I boleh pergi. I mintak tolong you hantar I pergi KL Sentral. Remember what did you say? Pergilah naik bas!
Takpe lah. I usung kain baju I naik tren pergi KL Sentral.
Sebelum ni, I tak rasa sangat bila kita gaduh & separate. Tapi kali ni memang I terasa, yang sebenarnya I tak penting pun dalam hidup you. That's why I pergi mana, dengan siapa, naik apa, balik macam mana, you tak peduli. Masa tu I cuma ada RM2 dalam purse. You ada tak terfikir macam mana I nak balik Cheras dengan duit banyak tu? I don't think so. Sebab I tau apa yang lagi penting bagi you daripada nak fikir benda2 macam ni.
I tau, I pun ada salah dalam hal ni. Tapi kita dua2 salah. Kenapa bila I cuba baiki masalah ni, you refuse? I mintak maaf, I pujuk you, macam2 I cakap untuk lembutkan hati you. Tapi you buat derk je. Macam I terhegeh2 sangat kat you. I just want to fix it. Salah ke?
Then I tengok kat FB you, lagu Khatimah Cinta. Siap tulis sudahlah sudah, ku harus pergi, jangan kau tangisi aku lagi. If you nak pergi, just say it! Cakap, we settle apa yang patut and I takkan ganggu you lagi.
Memang I sayang you. Memang kalau boleh I tak nak lepaskan you, I nak pertahankan lagi apa yang ada. I dah start sayang you macam mana I pernah sayang you dulu. Tapi, too bad. Shit happens. We fight. And you tak berganjak dari silent treatment macam yang you selalu buat. You tau I tak suka. You buat jugak.
I wonder, apa lagi yang you nak B. I dengar cakap you. I setia dengan you. Apa yang you tak suka, I tak buat. I hadap caci maki you. I tahan pukul you. I tak buat benda mengarut belakang you. Berapa banyak airmata I keluar sebab you pun I lost track. I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dalam relationship. I tak tau apa lagi yang you cari dalam life you. Sebab bagi I, apa yang I ada sekarang dah cukup. Orang2 yang I sayang ada dekat dengan I & I tau diorang semua selamat. You, I tak tau.
You nak I jadi isteri mithali untuk you? Boleh. Syaratnya, you imamkan I solat 5 waktu sehari semalam. Tu je I mintak. At least dalam satu hari you imamkan I solat walaupun satu waktu, and I dapat cium tangan you lepas you imamkan I pun, I dah happy.
Tapi, you rasa relationship kita ni ada bright future ke? Even dah dekat 3 tahun, kita pun dah banyak tau pasal each other. What do you think?
Ada lagi ke ruang untuk improvement?
I rasa, mungkin ni last la kot kita gaduh. Last kita separate. I rasa mungkin separate kali ni for good. I dah try fix masalah ni & pujuk you. I'm not like you, boleh biar melarat lama2. No. I akan buat, buat & buat. Tapi bila I tengok tak ada hasil, time to buat benda lain pulak lah.
Memang I ada cakap yang I takkan give up on us. Tapi I rasa, sia2 I buat kalau the effort is only on my side. I also said that you are my life. Tapi maybe it's not important to you anymore. I pun tak tau, maybe you're happier living among your friends without me. Call me paranoid, call me insecure. I tak tau apa yang you buat kat sana. And my insecure feelings say that you happy. Tak tau lah kalau otherwise...
Banyak lagi benda yang I nak cakap kat you. Tapi I rasa, biarlah. Tak guna lagi kalau I nak cakap apa2 pun. Mana ada you nak spend time listen to me pun...
Sigh--
Takpe lah, B. If you nak pergi, I akan tangisi, tapi I tak boleh halang you. I cuba pujuk you, all pride ke apa sekalipun I tolak tepi, tapi you tetap berkeras. I tak mampu buat apa2. And I belum ada apa2. I cuma ada setia & sayang untuk you.
Kalau apa yang I ada tak cukup untuk you, then there's nothing that I can do to stop you from going. Apa yang I mampu buat is doakan you happy, walaupun maybe bukan I yang buat you happy.
I Love You.
And I'm sincerely sorry atas apa yang dah jadi.
So long...
Friday, October 12, 2012
Lesson Taught.
I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time..
Lagu ni untuk u.. Kalau ada u baca blog i.. Memang i nak turn back time & stay with u malam tu. I don't care about pride ke apa ke. I just nak u. I tak kisah kalau u tak nak i ada dengan u macam dulu, kalau u nak i duduk cheras. It's ok. Just i nak u.
I can't help feeling like u dah tak nak teruskan hubungan kita. Tapi kalaupun u tak nak teruskan, bagitau i yang u dah tak nak. I akan cuba terima keputusan u. Its's not easy, tapi sekrang2nya u bagitau i that u nak withdraw.
Even macam tu, i nak peluang teruskan relationship ni dengan u. Dalam hati i tak ada tempat untuk orang lain. Dah penuh dengan u.
Please come back, b. U sorang je yang i nak. U je. Maafkan i..
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time..
Lagu ni untuk u.. Kalau ada u baca blog i.. Memang i nak turn back time & stay with u malam tu. I don't care about pride ke apa ke. I just nak u. I tak kisah kalau u tak nak i ada dengan u macam dulu, kalau u nak i duduk cheras. It's ok. Just i nak u.
I can't help feeling like u dah tak nak teruskan hubungan kita. Tapi kalaupun u tak nak teruskan, bagitau i yang u dah tak nak. I akan cuba terima keputusan u. Its's not easy, tapi sekrang2nya u bagitau i that u nak withdraw.
Even macam tu, i nak peluang teruskan relationship ni dengan u. Dalam hati i tak ada tempat untuk orang lain. Dah penuh dengan u.
Please come back, b. U sorang je yang i nak. U je. Maafkan i..
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Being Alone
Hubby, remember when I told you that you are the only man in my life? Well, I think you know where you stand.
That night, I thought I could live a homeless life. But I can't. I actually can't. I depend on you. On almost everything. I regret. I regret on leaving you that night, yelling back at you. I regret. Shouldn't have done that.
I'm hoping, waiting for you to pick me up somewhere and continue living our troublesome life together. I want to be with you, through thick and thin. Through hard and ease. Please. Let me be with you at this time of hardship. Please.
I'll be waiting for you. I know I asked whether it's yes or no, but I crave for you. For us. I will be waiting. No matter how hard it is, I'd still be waiting to hear from you. I know it's my fault to say those mean things to you without thnking straight. And I know I have hurt you deeply with those words. But please, come back.
I miss my monster. I miss us.
I'll be waiting. Come back. Come back.
That night, I thought I could live a homeless life. But I can't. I actually can't. I depend on you. On almost everything. I regret. I regret on leaving you that night, yelling back at you. I regret. Shouldn't have done that.
I'm hoping, waiting for you to pick me up somewhere and continue living our troublesome life together. I want to be with you, through thick and thin. Through hard and ease. Please. Let me be with you at this time of hardship. Please.
I'll be waiting for you. I know I asked whether it's yes or no, but I crave for you. For us. I will be waiting. No matter how hard it is, I'd still be waiting to hear from you. I know it's my fault to say those mean things to you without thnking straight. And I know I have hurt you deeply with those words. But please, come back.
I miss my monster. I miss us.
I'll be waiting. Come back. Come back.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Talk about Drugs
"If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door
Cos it will take a whole lot of medication
To realise what we used to have
We don't have it anymore"
I too, will need medications to ever forget whatever we had for so long... Hell, it will be on my mind as long as I breathe. The most adventurous relationship I've been in, my whole life.
I have no place to live, I have no shoulder to lie on. If you remember where did I ask you to send me..
I won't go to the place you want me to. I can't. Not in this condition. I have nothing. I have nobody. I thought I had you, but I forgot that our relationship is too fragile.
But honey, I never wanted this thing to happen. I know you' re offended. And I'm sorry for that. I was really disappointed by what you said. I need to fix t
I thought you were going to really stop me from going, but I was wrong. You were never that type. And I thought I could get your attention by throwing those words at you.. But, boy was I wrong. I was pushing you away farther.
And I know how wrong I was.
And I know I need to control my feelings & emotions, so I won't end up screaming at you with harsh words again.
But believe me, I'm truly sorry.
From the last text that I sent to you, I want you to know that I meant every word I said.
If you feel like there's still hope for us, I'll be waiting for you. Somewhere. But I won't be in Damai Bakti 4.
But somewhere, with or without drugs, I will be waiting. For my one and only.
Leave some morphine at my door
Cos it will take a whole lot of medication
To realise what we used to have
We don't have it anymore"
I too, will need medications to ever forget whatever we had for so long... Hell, it will be on my mind as long as I breathe. The most adventurous relationship I've been in, my whole life.
I have no place to live, I have no shoulder to lie on. If you remember where did I ask you to send me..
I won't go to the place you want me to. I can't. Not in this condition. I have nothing. I have nobody. I thought I had you, but I forgot that our relationship is too fragile.
But honey, I never wanted this thing to happen. I know you' re offended. And I'm sorry for that. I was really disappointed by what you said. I need to fix t
I thought you were going to really stop me from going, but I was wrong. You were never that type. And I thought I could get your attention by throwing those words at you.. But, boy was I wrong. I was pushing you away farther.
And I know how wrong I was.
And I know I need to control my feelings & emotions, so I won't end up screaming at you with harsh words again.
But believe me, I'm truly sorry.
From the last text that I sent to you, I want you to know that I meant every word I said.
If you feel like there's still hope for us, I'll be waiting for you. Somewhere. But I won't be in Damai Bakti 4.
But somewhere, with or without drugs, I will be waiting. For my one and only.
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Trouble with Us is...
I dont know what went wrong the other night, tapi bila u sebut kata nak hantar i balik cheras, i betul2 naik angin. As if u memang tak nak i ada kat sebelah u, tak nak i tolong bisnes u etc etc. As if u memang tunggu masa nak hantar i balik cheras so that i wont bother u anymore. It all starts with a small matter, yang i rasa tak perlu dibesarkan. U were on the phone, i was asking for the receipt book meanwhile. Kecik je hal nye kan? Tapi kenapa i kena marah & macam i buat salah besar sangat, i tak tau.
I tak faham b, kenapa? U dah fed up dgn i, sampai benda kecik camtu pun u nak jerit kat i? U dah tak kuasa?
Marah b, memang i marah malam tu. Sebab dah berapa kali u halau i balik cheras. How many times do i have to tell u i tak nak balik sana? I kalau nak balik sana, i boleh balik sendiri, tak payah mintak u hantar, even jalan kaki pun i sanggup kalau i nak balik sana sendiri. But the point is, i nak ada dengan u. I nak stay by your side masa sekarang, masa u tengah susah. I tak nak u bersusah payah amik i kat cheras kalau u nak jumpa i. I nak tolong u apa yg i boleh, apa yg i mampu. Tapi u fikir i selfish, i pentingkan nak berkepit dgn u. No. I tak nak nanti bila u dah senang baru i ada dgn u. No. I nak ada dengan u from the start, from down below sampai nanti kita senang sama2. I tak nak just pakai duit u bila u dah senang, i nak tolong u, at least whatever i take from u i pun ada tolong keluar kudrat for it. Bukan saja2 pow duit u.
But then maybe intention i tak selari dengan tindakan i. Maybe i buat u rimas, i buat u rasa susah when i sebenarnya nak bantu u. I tak nak tengok u buat kerja sorang2. Tapi maybe i buat u rasa yg i ni beban, extra luggage that u have to carry along your daily job.
If u ever feel that way, im sorry.
I dengar u say sorry that night, but then masa tu i frust & upset bila u suruh i balik cheras. Dah tak ada tempat untuk i lagi kat sana. Tambah lagi masa tu u grip i kuat sangat, i nk lari dari u. I takut u pukul i. Cos the last time pun jadi masa dlm kereta. I tak nak jadi lagi. Especially bila u ckp u xnak pukul i. I fear for the worst.
Tapi the aftermath memang salah i. I tak mampu control perasaan i bila u off phone and just leave me ther. I mintak maaf sangat untuk tu.
Last but not least, i just nak u tau yang i nak ada dengan u sekarang. I tak nak biar sorang2 struggle. I tak nak duduk lepak while u do all the work sorang. Let me be there for you. Let me share the pain with you.
Panggil lah i apapun, yang i tau i want to be next to you. All the time. Susah, senang, i nak ada dengan u. I nak jadi peneman u sampai bila2. I mintak maaf sangat sangat atas apa yang i cakap kat u malam tu. I tak patut lukakan u macam tu. Salah i.
Apa pun yang i buat tiap2 hari, u sentiasa dlam kepala i, b.
Sentiasa.
Hanya u yang i selalu ingat, u yang i selalu mimpi, u yang i selalu rindu. Even seminit u tak ada, i rindu.
Only you.
I tak faham b, kenapa? U dah fed up dgn i, sampai benda kecik camtu pun u nak jerit kat i? U dah tak kuasa?
Marah b, memang i marah malam tu. Sebab dah berapa kali u halau i balik cheras. How many times do i have to tell u i tak nak balik sana? I kalau nak balik sana, i boleh balik sendiri, tak payah mintak u hantar, even jalan kaki pun i sanggup kalau i nak balik sana sendiri. But the point is, i nak ada dengan u. I nak stay by your side masa sekarang, masa u tengah susah. I tak nak u bersusah payah amik i kat cheras kalau u nak jumpa i. I nak tolong u apa yg i boleh, apa yg i mampu. Tapi u fikir i selfish, i pentingkan nak berkepit dgn u. No. I tak nak nanti bila u dah senang baru i ada dgn u. No. I nak ada dengan u from the start, from down below sampai nanti kita senang sama2. I tak nak just pakai duit u bila u dah senang, i nak tolong u, at least whatever i take from u i pun ada tolong keluar kudrat for it. Bukan saja2 pow duit u.
But then maybe intention i tak selari dengan tindakan i. Maybe i buat u rimas, i buat u rasa susah when i sebenarnya nak bantu u. I tak nak tengok u buat kerja sorang2. Tapi maybe i buat u rasa yg i ni beban, extra luggage that u have to carry along your daily job.
If u ever feel that way, im sorry.
I dengar u say sorry that night, but then masa tu i frust & upset bila u suruh i balik cheras. Dah tak ada tempat untuk i lagi kat sana. Tambah lagi masa tu u grip i kuat sangat, i nk lari dari u. I takut u pukul i. Cos the last time pun jadi masa dlm kereta. I tak nak jadi lagi. Especially bila u ckp u xnak pukul i. I fear for the worst.
Tapi the aftermath memang salah i. I tak mampu control perasaan i bila u off phone and just leave me ther. I mintak maaf sangat untuk tu.
Last but not least, i just nak u tau yang i nak ada dengan u sekarang. I tak nak biar sorang2 struggle. I tak nak duduk lepak while u do all the work sorang. Let me be there for you. Let me share the pain with you.
Panggil lah i apapun, yang i tau i want to be next to you. All the time. Susah, senang, i nak ada dengan u. I nak jadi peneman u sampai bila2. I mintak maaf sangat sangat atas apa yang i cakap kat u malam tu. I tak patut lukakan u macam tu. Salah i.
Apa pun yang i buat tiap2 hari, u sentiasa dlam kepala i, b.
Sentiasa.
Hanya u yang i selalu ingat, u yang i selalu mimpi, u yang i selalu rindu. Even seminit u tak ada, i rindu.
Only you.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Rabu malam Khamis
Lepas lepak, balik, tengok ada love letter kat atas laptop. Ayat2 indah yang ditulis. Yang paling terkesan kat hati aku - pengotor tak ada tempat dalam rumah ni. Tolong faham!. Semua ditulis dalam huruf besar. Aku fikir sendiri. Agak2 orang lain ada kena macam ni tak dengan family diorang?
Frust. Memang frust sangat. Dah la pagi2 kena halau macam kucing kurap, just because aku lepak tidur kat hall rumah. Macam aku ni tak ada value. Macam aku ni tenant yang menyewa kat rumah ni. Cuma ada ada space kat bilik yang aku bayar. Tapi bukan untuk rumah ni.
Aku pernah terbaca kat FB; Mums always say that the house belongs to them. But when it comes to cleaning, the house magically becomes mine too. Betul jugak statement ni. Aku setuju.
Balik, ingat boleh terus sambung kerja yang tertangguh, tapi mood terus spoiled sebab surat cinta yang teramat2 indah yang aku dapat. Tak sangka, sebab mug 2 bijik, mangkuk sebijik kat dapur, boleh jadi camni. Padahal sinki kat dapur dah clear pun, monster tolong siang tadi. Sikit pun tak grateful, even rumah tak kemas habis. Bagi aku better daripada macam tongkang pecah.
Dalam aku nak repair mood untuk sambung kerja, monster suruh aku tolong dia kemas rumah. Kata dia, kita kemas rumah ni cantik2. Biar dia tengok esok rumah ni kemas. OK lah, aku kemas. Tapi dalam dok kemas2 tu aku tak puas hati sebenarnya. Dalam dok kemas2 tu mulut aku tek berenti mengomel.
Memang, banyak benda yang aku tak puas hati. Pasal rumah, behaviour, attitude.. Even pasal cara dia layan adik. Irritating. Rumah nak kemas, tapi nak orang yang kemas. Adik pulak tiap2 pagi kena marah sebab lambat nak pergi sekolah. Padahal boleh je bangun 10-15minit awal sikit. Ada la masa nak tengok itu ini. Tapi tak, selagi jam tu tak pukul 7, adik takkan turun siap.
Kesian aku tengok adik, pagi2 mamai2 baru bangun tidur dah kena marah camtu. Baru darjah 1, kena macam tu. Diajar bangun ngam2 time nak pergi sekolah, lepas tu kena tempik2. Every single day. Bila budak tu melawan, dikata budak tu biadap la, tak cukup ajar la apa la. Padahal budak tu tiap2 pagi tension kena tempik.
Aku rasa, apa yang arwah bapak aku ajar banyak buat aku sabar. Walaupun tak berapa sangat pun la. Kalau tak, dah lama aku blah. Balik kadang2 je. Semak otak! And, bila jadi macam malam ni, aku teringat one of the reasons why I left the house to live outside.
***
Tapi bila aku ngomel2 ngadu kat monster, lain pulak jadinya. Tiba2 timbul pasal rumah kawan dia. Dafuq? Aku bukan tak bagi langsung dia nak tolong2 kat rumah kawan dia, tapi aku tak suka cara bini kawan dia tu layan dia. Macam semua orang dia nak buat khadam. Yang dia tu, duduk mengadap TV, tak habis2 hisap rokok. Lepas sebatang, sebatang. Sampai laki sendiri terkejut kenapa rokok cepat sangat habis. Padahal bini pregnant. Biar je bini. Biar..
Aku kadang2 rasa macam aku ni asking too much pun ada. Tapi bagi aku, biar buat lambat sikit tak apa, janji buat. Yang paling aku suka, buat sama2. Biar la kerja tu sikit pun, buat sama2. Entah la, maybe itu aku. Maybe seetengah orang suka buat kerja sendiri2. Sesetengah orang pulak suka orang lain buatkan untuk dia. Even aku pun sometimes camtu. Tapi janganlah all the time. Dengan family sendiri pulak tu. Aku rasa macam tak berapa betul je. Dok kata family first la apa la, tapi family dikhadam2kan. Tah pape tah.
Paling aku tak suka bila orang lepas marah. Paling aku pantang. Penat ke, marah kat orang lain ke apa ke, kalau balik lepas kat family memang aku marah. Nyamuk gigit, pi mengamuk kat perhimpunan balairaya. Macam tu la gaya dia. Menyampah!
Tadi monster suruh tanya, adik aku yg sorang lagi tu dah makan ke belum? Tanya2 tengok, dia belum makan lagi. Aku tanya, tak ada orang tanya dia dah makan ke belum ke? Dia kata tak.
Surat cinta kemain lagi. Cakap macam2. Ahli keluarga sendiri yang baru nak sihat dari food poisoning tu tak tanya sikit pun makan dia cukup ke tak. Nampak sangat pinggan mangkuk 2-3 bijik dalam sinki tu lagi penting dari perut anak, lagi penting daripada kesihatan anak. Tak fikir.
Semalam pun sama. Balik kerja, lepak makan kat luar, balik memekak, lepas tu naik bilik terus senyap sunyi. Tidur. Tak ada sikit pun nak tanya; hari ni makan apa? Malam dah makan ke belum? Takkk... Dok bising pasal rumah bersepah, pinggan mangkuk dalam sinki tak ada sapa nak cuci, rumah tak ada maid la apa la...
Sinki kosong & hall kemas tu lagi penting. Sinki & hall tu boleh jadi ubat ke kalau anak sakit gastrik?
Buah jambu tiga serangkai, bak kata arwah Pak Lang.
Frust. Memang frust sangat. Dah la pagi2 kena halau macam kucing kurap, just because aku lepak tidur kat hall rumah. Macam aku ni tak ada value. Macam aku ni tenant yang menyewa kat rumah ni. Cuma ada ada space kat bilik yang aku bayar. Tapi bukan untuk rumah ni.
Aku pernah terbaca kat FB; Mums always say that the house belongs to them. But when it comes to cleaning, the house magically becomes mine too. Betul jugak statement ni. Aku setuju.
Balik, ingat boleh terus sambung kerja yang tertangguh, tapi mood terus spoiled sebab surat cinta yang teramat2 indah yang aku dapat. Tak sangka, sebab mug 2 bijik, mangkuk sebijik kat dapur, boleh jadi camni. Padahal sinki kat dapur dah clear pun, monster tolong siang tadi. Sikit pun tak grateful, even rumah tak kemas habis. Bagi aku better daripada macam tongkang pecah.
Dalam aku nak repair mood untuk sambung kerja, monster suruh aku tolong dia kemas rumah. Kata dia, kita kemas rumah ni cantik2. Biar dia tengok esok rumah ni kemas. OK lah, aku kemas. Tapi dalam dok kemas2 tu aku tak puas hati sebenarnya. Dalam dok kemas2 tu mulut aku tek berenti mengomel.
Memang, banyak benda yang aku tak puas hati. Pasal rumah, behaviour, attitude.. Even pasal cara dia layan adik. Irritating. Rumah nak kemas, tapi nak orang yang kemas. Adik pulak tiap2 pagi kena marah sebab lambat nak pergi sekolah. Padahal boleh je bangun 10-15minit awal sikit. Ada la masa nak tengok itu ini. Tapi tak, selagi jam tu tak pukul 7, adik takkan turun siap.
Kesian aku tengok adik, pagi2 mamai2 baru bangun tidur dah kena marah camtu. Baru darjah 1, kena macam tu. Diajar bangun ngam2 time nak pergi sekolah, lepas tu kena tempik2. Every single day. Bila budak tu melawan, dikata budak tu biadap la, tak cukup ajar la apa la. Padahal budak tu tiap2 pagi tension kena tempik.
Aku rasa, apa yang arwah bapak aku ajar banyak buat aku sabar. Walaupun tak berapa sangat pun la. Kalau tak, dah lama aku blah. Balik kadang2 je. Semak otak! And, bila jadi macam malam ni, aku teringat one of the reasons why I left the house to live outside.
***
Tapi bila aku ngomel2 ngadu kat monster, lain pulak jadinya. Tiba2 timbul pasal rumah kawan dia. Dafuq? Aku bukan tak bagi langsung dia nak tolong2 kat rumah kawan dia, tapi aku tak suka cara bini kawan dia tu layan dia. Macam semua orang dia nak buat khadam. Yang dia tu, duduk mengadap TV, tak habis2 hisap rokok. Lepas sebatang, sebatang. Sampai laki sendiri terkejut kenapa rokok cepat sangat habis. Padahal bini pregnant. Biar je bini. Biar..
Aku kadang2 rasa macam aku ni asking too much pun ada. Tapi bagi aku, biar buat lambat sikit tak apa, janji buat. Yang paling aku suka, buat sama2. Biar la kerja tu sikit pun, buat sama2. Entah la, maybe itu aku. Maybe seetengah orang suka buat kerja sendiri2. Sesetengah orang pulak suka orang lain buatkan untuk dia. Even aku pun sometimes camtu. Tapi janganlah all the time. Dengan family sendiri pulak tu. Aku rasa macam tak berapa betul je. Dok kata family first la apa la, tapi family dikhadam2kan. Tah pape tah.
Paling aku tak suka bila orang lepas marah. Paling aku pantang. Penat ke, marah kat orang lain ke apa ke, kalau balik lepas kat family memang aku marah. Nyamuk gigit, pi mengamuk kat perhimpunan balairaya. Macam tu la gaya dia. Menyampah!
Tadi monster suruh tanya, adik aku yg sorang lagi tu dah makan ke belum? Tanya2 tengok, dia belum makan lagi. Aku tanya, tak ada orang tanya dia dah makan ke belum ke? Dia kata tak.
Surat cinta kemain lagi. Cakap macam2. Ahli keluarga sendiri yang baru nak sihat dari food poisoning tu tak tanya sikit pun makan dia cukup ke tak. Nampak sangat pinggan mangkuk 2-3 bijik dalam sinki tu lagi penting dari perut anak, lagi penting daripada kesihatan anak. Tak fikir.
Semalam pun sama. Balik kerja, lepak makan kat luar, balik memekak, lepas tu naik bilik terus senyap sunyi. Tidur. Tak ada sikit pun nak tanya; hari ni makan apa? Malam dah makan ke belum? Takkk... Dok bising pasal rumah bersepah, pinggan mangkuk dalam sinki tak ada sapa nak cuci, rumah tak ada maid la apa la...
Sinki kosong & hall kemas tu lagi penting. Sinki & hall tu boleh jadi ubat ke kalau anak sakit gastrik?
Buah jambu tiga serangkai, bak kata arwah Pak Lang.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tears at Noon
Today, she cried after several weeks being with him. Over not so much of a big deal but she cried. She didn't even understand why.
It's not a matter of life and death, but she couldn't make him understand the importance. But she didn't expect him to yell & throw a tantrum. She thought he was going to apologise, but she was bombarded with something else.
She looked away, trying to hide tears that were running down her face. She hid her disappointment with arrogance & harshness. She doesn't want to look weak before him.
Alone in her thoughts--
She started thinking, was the decision she made correct?
It's not a matter of life and death, but she couldn't make him understand the importance. But she didn't expect him to yell & throw a tantrum. She thought he was going to apologise, but she was bombarded with something else.
She looked away, trying to hide tears that were running down her face. She hid her disappointment with arrogance & harshness. She doesn't want to look weak before him.
Alone in her thoughts--
She started thinking, was the decision she made correct?
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Dia Luka Lagi
Hati berkata khayal sendiri
Tak mungkin dihiris lagi
Tapi sepi kembali membingit
Antara logika dan kehendak rasa
Dia lelah terhimpit
Bila takut berubah nyata
Semua janji cuma mainan kata
Ikhlas?
Selalu dia berkata harap
Tapi diam. Jangan kata apa-apa.
Dia tahu.
Semua sumpah juna plastik.
Dia nampak.
Tapi dia paling,
Kangen hati yang real.
Dia tahu.
Tak mungkin sekali
Nanti dia tak akan mengadu
Sebab semua itu sia-sia.
Diam.
Tak perlu minta perjelas.
Diam!
Tak mungkin dihiris lagi
Tapi sepi kembali membingit
Antara logika dan kehendak rasa
Dia lelah terhimpit
Bila takut berubah nyata
Semua janji cuma mainan kata
Ikhlas?
Selalu dia berkata harap
Tapi diam. Jangan kata apa-apa.
Dia tahu.
Semua sumpah juna plastik.
Dia nampak.
Tapi dia paling,
Kangen hati yang real.
Dia tahu.
Tak mungkin sekali
Nanti dia tak akan mengadu
Sebab semua itu sia-sia.
Diam.
Tak perlu minta perjelas.
Diam!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Tied
The other day aku pergi wedding kawan aku, I talked to the bride's aunt. Aku bagitau la kenapa aku tak ada along the days diorang prepare wedding tu. Dia cakap ok, then we started talking.
Aunt: Kenapa tak baik dengan dia dah?
Aku: Entah lah..
Aunt: Pegi tanya dia betul2. Nak kawan ke nak kahwin. Kalo nak kahwin, bagi dia 6 bulan je. Kalo tak kahwin, tak payah terus.
Aku: Masalahnya bila saya nak kahwin, dia nak kawan. Tapi bila dia nak kahwin dia pulak yang nak kawan je.
Aunt: *geleng kepala & ketawa*
That's actually what I feel sometimes. Aku kadang2 tak tau apa yang patut aku decide. Kahwin? Aku tak rasa kitorang dah ready. Or at least me, for that matter. Tapi kadang2 aku rasa nak buat gila ajak dia kahwin je terus. Tak payah semak2 kepala. Buat kerja gila pegi menikah kat Thailand, balik bayar jabatan 3k, then buat kenduri. Tak payah nak semak2 prepare paperwork ape jadah lagi ntah.
Itu kalau aku. Itu kalo aku betul2 nak kahwin & tak nak menyusahkan diri sendiri. Senang. Tapi masalahnya betul ke aku nak kahwin? And at this moment, dengan dia. Really? Aku nak gamble?
Aku selalu terfikir jugak, katakan la aku kahwin dengan dia. Sang monster tu. Takut jugak aku, kalo gaduh & kena pukul lagi. Plus, aku pun takut nanti kena curang pulak. And the other thing, kalo ye pun aku nak buat gila kahwin, kalo aku pilih dia; dia pilih aku ke? Dia nak settle down dengan aku ke? Daripada gaya macam dia tak nak je. Takkan aku nak hegeh2 kat dia ajak kahwin? Macam popmuan desperate la pulak.
Aku suka ayat ni: One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love, and they hug you back even tighter. Aku pernah rasa. Dengan dia. Tapi ada lagi ke semua tu? Macam dah fade pun ada. Macam dah tak ada apa2 yang kitorang boleh fix dalam relationship ni. Weird. Sebab at the same time, aku tak tau kenapa tiba2 aku nak try lagi dengan dia. Aku tak paham dengan diri sendiri. Sangat3 weird.
Aku selalu fikir, apa yang ada kat dia, yang buat aku susah sangat nak let go? Apa? Apa? Aku tak dapat jawapan. Tapi bila aku fikir2 balik, apa yang dia buat kat aku & untuk aku, benda2 tu aku tak pernah dapat. Not from his predecessors. All those crazy things yang kitorang buat untuk each other yang kadang2 buat aku lekat dengan dia.
And the nights. And the consummation. Argh! itu yang buat aku lagi susah nak blah. Rare. Even kadang2 aku tak berapa suka, tapi best! Dafuq, man! Aku dah tak patut fikir dah benda2 macam tu. Aku tak rasa hubungan ni boleh pegi lagi. Macam dah sampai final stop. Macam dah tak boleh fix lagi dah.
Maybe.
Aunt: Kenapa tak baik dengan dia dah?
Aku: Entah lah..
Aunt: Pegi tanya dia betul2. Nak kawan ke nak kahwin. Kalo nak kahwin, bagi dia 6 bulan je. Kalo tak kahwin, tak payah terus.
Aku: Masalahnya bila saya nak kahwin, dia nak kawan. Tapi bila dia nak kahwin dia pulak yang nak kawan je.
Aunt: *geleng kepala & ketawa*
That's actually what I feel sometimes. Aku kadang2 tak tau apa yang patut aku decide. Kahwin? Aku tak rasa kitorang dah ready. Or at least me, for that matter. Tapi kadang2 aku rasa nak buat gila ajak dia kahwin je terus. Tak payah semak2 kepala. Buat kerja gila pegi menikah kat Thailand, balik bayar jabatan 3k, then buat kenduri. Tak payah nak semak2 prepare paperwork ape jadah lagi ntah.
Itu kalau aku. Itu kalo aku betul2 nak kahwin & tak nak menyusahkan diri sendiri. Senang. Tapi masalahnya betul ke aku nak kahwin? And at this moment, dengan dia. Really? Aku nak gamble?
Aku selalu terfikir jugak, katakan la aku kahwin dengan dia. Sang monster tu. Takut jugak aku, kalo gaduh & kena pukul lagi. Plus, aku pun takut nanti kena curang pulak. And the other thing, kalo ye pun aku nak buat gila kahwin, kalo aku pilih dia; dia pilih aku ke? Dia nak settle down dengan aku ke? Daripada gaya macam dia tak nak je. Takkan aku nak hegeh2 kat dia ajak kahwin? Macam popmuan desperate la pulak.
Aku suka ayat ni: One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love, and they hug you back even tighter. Aku pernah rasa. Dengan dia. Tapi ada lagi ke semua tu? Macam dah fade pun ada. Macam dah tak ada apa2 yang kitorang boleh fix dalam relationship ni. Weird. Sebab at the same time, aku tak tau kenapa tiba2 aku nak try lagi dengan dia. Aku tak paham dengan diri sendiri. Sangat3 weird.
Aku selalu fikir, apa yang ada kat dia, yang buat aku susah sangat nak let go? Apa? Apa? Aku tak dapat jawapan. Tapi bila aku fikir2 balik, apa yang dia buat kat aku & untuk aku, benda2 tu aku tak pernah dapat. Not from his predecessors. All those crazy things yang kitorang buat untuk each other yang kadang2 buat aku lekat dengan dia.
And the nights. And the consummation. Argh! itu yang buat aku lagi susah nak blah. Rare. Even kadang2 aku tak berapa suka, tapi best! Dafuq, man! Aku dah tak patut fikir dah benda2 macam tu. Aku tak rasa hubungan ni boleh pegi lagi. Macam dah sampai final stop. Macam dah tak boleh fix lagi dah.
Maybe.
Friday, June 1, 2012
You Stole My Star. Lalala~
I don't know what to say. Tapi aku rasa weird gila bila aku jumpa balik dengan dia. I mean, part of me memang tergedik2 terketaq2 nak jumpa dia, but the other part macam takut. Sebab aku rasa macam tak patut je jumpa dia. Should I? Should I not?
Question mark.
Tapi dah tak boleh nak buat apa2. Benda dah jadi. And knowing this, aku rasa macam aku tak sepatutnya buat semua ni. Sebab aku tau dia macam mana, and aku tau whatever happens, at the end of the day aku sorang je yang akan be alone & hurt. Bukan dia. Silly, macam mana la aku boleh ingat yang dia akan buat aku happy even for the slightest moment? Tak boleh blah betul.
On the other thought, aku rasa, he just doesn't care. Dia lagi suka mind his own business dengan kawan2 dia rather than try to console aku, for that matter. Bila aku tunjuk yang aku tak suka certain things yang dia buat, or aku start asking him questions, dia avoid. Seboleh2nya dia nak elak dari jawab soalan2 aku. Kenapa? Apa yang dia nak rahsiakan daripada aku?
What, he's trying to hide how he really feels for me? Really? Then why bother? Kenapa dia nak susah2 spend masa untuk aku & even susahkan diri dia sendiri untuk aku? For what? Just to prove that he's a gentleman? Come on, aku bukan kenal dia semalam. Aku tau dia inside out. But the point is, KENAPA?
I don't get it.
Nak play games dengan aku? We both know each other too well untuk main2 la. Aku tak rasa perlu pun nak main2 ni. Unless he plans to avenge himself sebab aku dah buat dia frust not too long ago. Tapi dia sendiri tau that it was his own fault. Bukannya aku saja2 nak withdraw. Bukannya aku ada jantan lain. Dah dua bulan aku single kot. Kalau aku blah sebab jantan lain, aku dah tak ingat dia dah.
Kadang2 aku rasa macam relation aku dengan dia ni takkan habis. Macam inseparable. Bila gaduh, dia tak nak go on, aku tak nak lepaskan. Tapi bila aku pulak yang tak nak go on, dia try so hard tak nak lepaskan aku pergi. Aku sendiri macam susah nak percaya.
Kawan kitorang pernah cakap dia tak pernah tengok this guy go back to any girl before me.Not even my predecessor. Tapi aku kadang2 rasa macam there's no more future for us, even aku kadang2 nak lagi try dengan dia. Sebab aku percaya ada something redeemable dalam diri dia. Cuma benda tu dia tak nak admit. Maybe dia tak nampak lagi. Maybe.
Aku just wish that dia sedar kalau dia still dengan diri dia sekarang & proud of it, dia bukannya akan hilang aku (at the moment), tapi dia akan hilang sapa pun yang datang dalam life dia nanti. That's pretty much what I see. Either they leave, or they cheat on him.
Aku pun tak tau nak cakap dengan dia macam mana, even best friend dia pun dah tak tau nak nasihat apa lagi kat dia. He's still the same. Bukan dia tak boleh control & change. The problem is, dia tak nak buat.
And that's why he is a 30-year old behaving like a 17-year old. Bila nak mature aku pun tak tau.
Dear you,
You once told me that I was your star card
You also said that 'no star can shine with a broken heart'
But right now I can't shine like before
Because you stole my star.
And left me alone in the dark.
Question mark.
Tapi dah tak boleh nak buat apa2. Benda dah jadi. And knowing this, aku rasa macam aku tak sepatutnya buat semua ni. Sebab aku tau dia macam mana, and aku tau whatever happens, at the end of the day aku sorang je yang akan be alone & hurt. Bukan dia. Silly, macam mana la aku boleh ingat yang dia akan buat aku happy even for the slightest moment? Tak boleh blah betul.
On the other thought, aku rasa, he just doesn't care. Dia lagi suka mind his own business dengan kawan2 dia rather than try to console aku, for that matter. Bila aku tunjuk yang aku tak suka certain things yang dia buat, or aku start asking him questions, dia avoid. Seboleh2nya dia nak elak dari jawab soalan2 aku. Kenapa? Apa yang dia nak rahsiakan daripada aku?
What, he's trying to hide how he really feels for me? Really? Then why bother? Kenapa dia nak susah2 spend masa untuk aku & even susahkan diri dia sendiri untuk aku? For what? Just to prove that he's a gentleman? Come on, aku bukan kenal dia semalam. Aku tau dia inside out. But the point is, KENAPA?
I don't get it.
Nak play games dengan aku? We both know each other too well untuk main2 la. Aku tak rasa perlu pun nak main2 ni. Unless he plans to avenge himself sebab aku dah buat dia frust not too long ago. Tapi dia sendiri tau that it was his own fault. Bukannya aku saja2 nak withdraw. Bukannya aku ada jantan lain. Dah dua bulan aku single kot. Kalau aku blah sebab jantan lain, aku dah tak ingat dia dah.
Kadang2 aku rasa macam relation aku dengan dia ni takkan habis. Macam inseparable. Bila gaduh, dia tak nak go on, aku tak nak lepaskan. Tapi bila aku pulak yang tak nak go on, dia try so hard tak nak lepaskan aku pergi. Aku sendiri macam susah nak percaya.
Kawan kitorang pernah cakap dia tak pernah tengok this guy go back to any girl before me.Not even my predecessor. Tapi aku kadang2 rasa macam there's no more future for us, even aku kadang2 nak lagi try dengan dia. Sebab aku percaya ada something redeemable dalam diri dia. Cuma benda tu dia tak nak admit. Maybe dia tak nampak lagi. Maybe.
Aku just wish that dia sedar kalau dia still dengan diri dia sekarang & proud of it, dia bukannya akan hilang aku (at the moment), tapi dia akan hilang sapa pun yang datang dalam life dia nanti. That's pretty much what I see. Either they leave, or they cheat on him.
Aku pun tak tau nak cakap dengan dia macam mana, even best friend dia pun dah tak tau nak nasihat apa lagi kat dia. He's still the same. Bukan dia tak boleh control & change. The problem is, dia tak nak buat.
And that's why he is a 30-year old behaving like a 17-year old. Bila nak mature aku pun tak tau.
Dear you,
You once told me that I was your star card
You also said that 'no star can shine with a broken heart'
But right now I can't shine like before
Because you stole my star.
And left me alone in the dark.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Love, Rage.
I'm sorry. That's pretty much I can say. I don't think we can ever be together again. Things are just so messed up between us that I don't see any chances for us to finish what we have started.
Do you think so?
Let's see. There are so many things that we've done to each other and there are also many things that we keep to ourselves. They bottled up into rages & grudges. You told me that yourself.
How can we forget everything that has happened? Its never going to ever be the same again. There's too much blood in the relationship. And though I still have some feelings for you, I don't see any possibilities that we are going to be happy together. Ever.
If you think otherwise, prove me wrong.
Because I can't see anything promising for us.
No hope.
No guarantee.
No beautiful colours.
The reason I've been treating you so bad is that I want you to hate me. Please, hate me with all your heart. Hate me with every cell in you. Because I can't tell you that I'm no longer yours & break your heart, over & over. I can't do it.
Please, hate me.
Let's move on with lives and return to each other if God wills it.
Do you think so?
Let's see. There are so many things that we've done to each other and there are also many things that we keep to ourselves. They bottled up into rages & grudges. You told me that yourself.
How can we forget everything that has happened? Its never going to ever be the same again. There's too much blood in the relationship. And though I still have some feelings for you, I don't see any possibilities that we are going to be happy together. Ever.
If you think otherwise, prove me wrong.
Because I can't see anything promising for us.
No hope.
No guarantee.
No beautiful colours.
The reason I've been treating you so bad is that I want you to hate me. Please, hate me with all your heart. Hate me with every cell in you. Because I can't tell you that I'm no longer yours & break your heart, over & over. I can't do it.
Please, hate me.
Let's move on with lives and return to each other if God wills it.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Defeat in the Battlefield
Dulu, dia pernah bagitau aku. Love, is a battlefield sayang. Kena fight. So I fought. So hard that dedicated almost my entire self. I fought for the thing called love in me for him.
But unfortunately, in that battlefield dia commit ONE fatal mistake. And that mistake has lost him in the fight.
My mum always says; if you push your luck too far, you might lose it all. This is what you've done. And the consequences? You lost everything that I always keep in my heart.
What you did totally banished every single flame that I have lit for you. And what people say is right, it's like a mirror. Once it's broken, even if you fix it, you can still see the crack marks.
I'm sorry, I can't be anymore in your arms. I can't bear the flashbacks I see everytime I look at your face. And the fear, it is almost unbearable. Every single time your hand touches mine.
I'm sorry, I can't. I can't..
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Like A Soap Opera
Haih, entahlah. Tak tau nak cakap apa.
Aku sayangggg dia. Tapi bila aku takut, ni lah jadinya.
Bila makan tangan, aku tak marah. Aku tak benci. Apa lagi dendam. Memang tak ada. Tapi aku jadi takut. Aku takut sangat.
Aku takut dengan kemugkinan yang dia akan buat lagi. Aku takut nanti benda ni jadi macam common thing between us. Aku tak nak. Aku takut.
Marahlah kalau nak marah. Bencilah kalau nak benci. Tapi memang sungguh aku takut. Aku takut dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. Aku tak tau nak buat apa. Aku serba salah, antara sayang dengan takut. Aku tak mau sakit lagi.
Aku mintak maaf, terlalu terlalu. Bukan aku ada niat sengaja lukakan hati kau, sayang. Tapi aku takut. Inside out, aku mintak maaf.
Sepenuh hati, aku tak nak benda ni jadi. Aku tak nak hubungan berantakan lagi. Aku macam numb, tak rasa apa2. Aku jalan, buat apa yang aku buat haritu, tapi otak aku kosong. Aku menangis. Tapi, entahlah. Aku rasa kosong. Aku rasa macam terawang2 tak ada arah.
Sungguh, aku sayang. Aku cinta. Dan sekarang, aku rindu. Rindu sangat. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi dia kembali. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi ada kita. Mungkin, dia pun tak nak lagi.
Kalaulah saat kau marah, aku peluk kau sekuat2 hati, mungkin semua ni takkan jadi.
Mungkin, mungkin.
Aku sayangggg dia. Tapi bila aku takut, ni lah jadinya.
Bila makan tangan, aku tak marah. Aku tak benci. Apa lagi dendam. Memang tak ada. Tapi aku jadi takut. Aku takut sangat.
Aku takut dengan kemugkinan yang dia akan buat lagi. Aku takut nanti benda ni jadi macam common thing between us. Aku tak nak. Aku takut.
Marahlah kalau nak marah. Bencilah kalau nak benci. Tapi memang sungguh aku takut. Aku takut dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. Aku tak tau nak buat apa. Aku serba salah, antara sayang dengan takut. Aku tak mau sakit lagi.
Aku mintak maaf, terlalu terlalu. Bukan aku ada niat sengaja lukakan hati kau, sayang. Tapi aku takut. Inside out, aku mintak maaf.
Sepenuh hati, aku tak nak benda ni jadi. Aku tak nak hubungan berantakan lagi. Aku macam numb, tak rasa apa2. Aku jalan, buat apa yang aku buat haritu, tapi otak aku kosong. Aku menangis. Tapi, entahlah. Aku rasa kosong. Aku rasa macam terawang2 tak ada arah.
Sungguh, aku sayang. Aku cinta. Dan sekarang, aku rindu. Rindu sangat. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi dia kembali. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi ada kita. Mungkin, dia pun tak nak lagi.
Kalaulah saat kau marah, aku peluk kau sekuat2 hati, mungkin semua ni takkan jadi.
Mungkin, mungkin.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My Small One
That kitten has died. Thanks to him, keras kepala dia, degil dia. Banyak kali aku kata, pergi hantar kitten tu pergi kat Papa Hero, sana ada ibu kucing yg menyusu. Tapi dia tak nak.. degil.
Bangun pagi aku tanya mana budak kecik tu? Dia kata dah tanam.
Aku dah cakap. AKU DAH CAKAP!
Terbang lagi satu nyawa kat tangan dia. Degil tak habis-habis! Semua nak ikut kepala dia!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The Final Draw
Aku kecewa.
Walaupun aku bagi dia everything, aku dedicate apa yang aku ada untuk dia, dia masih tak boleh tinggalkan apa yang melukakan hati aku. Even semua orang kat sekeliling kitorang tak setuju dengan apa yang dia buat, dia masih tetap dengan ego dia, nak aku terima apa yang dia buat as if benda tu nothing.
Dia cakap kat orang, bagi dia nothing. Bagi dia it's a small thing. Tapi bukan untuk aku. Dia nak aku tunggu dia, sayang dia, bagi semua kat dia, tapi dia tak nak buat yang sama kat aku. That's not fair. That's not a healthy relationship.
Just because Isz tak kisah Im berkawan dengan ex dia, tak bermakna aku sama dengan Isz. Aku lain. Pemikiran aku lain, cara aku lain. Im tak boleh expect aku sama macam Isz. Tapi aku tau, dia terpengaruh dengan apa yang Im cakap. Memang aku sangat disappointed dengan dia. Tak bother nak amik tau kalau aku hurt dengan dia, tapi ikut cakap kawan dia yang dia fikir betul. Bukan semua perempuan sama. Kalau aku sanggup tinggalkan social life aku untuk bersama dengan dia, kenapa dia tak boleh? Dia cakap dia nak settle down, tapi dia still nak keluar hangout, lepak, flirt.. Aku tengok cara dia, aku tau dia belum ready. Umur tolak tepi, sebab dia yang tak nak change & settle down.
Kali ni, yang buat aku betul2 give up, bila dia kata aku tak layak untuk dia. Fine. Aku tak kisah. Cakap la apa pun. Aku tau kat mana dia berdiri, kat mana aku berdiri. Aku tak sangka dia boleh insult aku sampai macam tu sekali, just because of money. Sebab duit! Aku dah suruh dia buang duit plastik tu lama dulu, tak nak. Sekarang? Sebab duit plastik tu relationship punah ranah.
Aku tau, setiap kali gaduh, setiap kali jauh, dia mesti cari 2 orang yang aku paling tak suka dia jumpa. Tapi itu yang dia akan buat. Memang aku tau. 2 orang tu yang dia akan cari. Regardless kalau aku dapat tau ke apa ke. Aku tak suka dia jumpa ex dia. Perempuan mana pun tak suka. Even kawan aku pun lantun bila dia tau. Apa perlunya dia nak jumpa ex dia? Aku nak tau sebab apa yang dia nak keep in touch sangat dengan ex dia. Apa yang penting sangat untuk dia jumpa ex dia, sedangkan dia tau itu yang paling aku tak suka? Kalau betul dia tak ada apa2 dengan ex dia, try bawak aku sekali lepak dengan ex dia. Tengok apa reaksi ex dia. And dia tak pernah terus terang dengan ex dia pasal apa yang betul2 jadi masa dia putus dengan ex dia dulu. Aku macam kept in the dark.
Fine. Aku sendiri ada jumpa ex aku. Tapi bersebab! Dia sendiri yang suruh aku contact ex aku, pasal dia tau apa sebabnya aku kena contact ex aku. Bukan just nak lepak2 buang masa ke apa ke. Bersebab! Dia tau pasal tu. Jangan samakan hubungan aku & ex aku dengan dia & ex dia. Tak sama!
Kawan 'baik' dia. Aku pernah tinggalkan dia sebab hubungan dia dengan minah tu. Sebab aku tak suka. Bukan sebab aku cemburu, tapi sebab aku tau minah tu bawak bad influence kat dia. Sama jugak macam Im. Bad, bad influences. Aku tak nak dia terpengaruh dengan benda2 yang mengarut dari kawan2 dia, sebab aku tau dia macam mana. Sebab tu aku tak suka. Dengan Im, aku tak boleh buat apa2 sebab dia dah kawan lama. Tapi minah tu, tak sampai setahun kenal. Aku tengok dia macam lembu kena cucuk hidung dengan minah tu. Ikut je apa yang minah tu suruh. Dia mungkin tak sedar, tapi aku dah perhati cara minah tu dari mula. There was, and there is something wrong somewhere. And aku tau kat mana wrong tu. Cuma dia belum sedar pasal tu.
Banyak benda yang buat aku frust dengan dia. Tapi aku tutup sebelah mata je. Sampai la dia hina aku sebab duit. Itu yang paling aku tak boleh terima. Sebab dia tak fikir yang aku kena simpan duit untuk buat bayar yuran, komitmen aku dengan family & insurans aku lagi. Aku nak sangat bagitau dia masalah aku, tapi aku tau, dia tak nak dengar pun.
Sayang, memang aku sayang. Separuh nyawa aku sayang dia. Apa pun aku sanggup buat untuk dia, asalkan relevan. Tapi apa yang aku korbankan, semua tu nothing untuk dia. Sebab dia tak nak sacrifice even sikit untuk aku. Aku dah tak boleh teruskan kalau aku tau apa yang dah jadi, akan jadi lagi. Benda yang sama akan berulang. Duit, dia lepak dengan Syakila, dia contact Farah, dia maki aku. The same thing akan repeat until God knows when. Dia bukannya tak boleh berubah. Tapi dia tak nak berubah. Sebab dia nakjaga reputation dia, & dia tak nak kena hanjeng dengan kawan2 dia, kalau dia berubah. Aku tau tu.
Aku tak boleh go on lagi. Mungkin ni kali terakhir kitorang gaduh, kali terakhir kitorang salah faham & gaduh sebab benda kecik & duit, kali terakhir aku kena maki dengan dia, kali terakhir aku hurt bila dia jumpa Syakila & Farah. Lepas ni dah tak ada lagi orang dengar Shira gaduh lagi dengan Nazim. Tak akan ada lagi aku untuk kawal & jaga life dia. Tak akan ada lagi. Sebab dia cuma boleh pilih salah satu. Aku, atau Farah & Syakila. Dia takkan boleh dapat dua2. And aku tau, ramai yang suka tengok kitorang break up. Ramai yang nak tengok dia dengan Farah get together. Even mak angkat dia. Orang tengok aku just sebagai perampas tunang orang, walaupun aku tak pernah buat macam tu.
Hubby yang ku sayang2,
Kalau you tak boleh buat pilihan...
Walaupun aku bagi dia everything, aku dedicate apa yang aku ada untuk dia, dia masih tak boleh tinggalkan apa yang melukakan hati aku. Even semua orang kat sekeliling kitorang tak setuju dengan apa yang dia buat, dia masih tetap dengan ego dia, nak aku terima apa yang dia buat as if benda tu nothing.
Dia cakap kat orang, bagi dia nothing. Bagi dia it's a small thing. Tapi bukan untuk aku. Dia nak aku tunggu dia, sayang dia, bagi semua kat dia, tapi dia tak nak buat yang sama kat aku. That's not fair. That's not a healthy relationship.
Just because Isz tak kisah Im berkawan dengan ex dia, tak bermakna aku sama dengan Isz. Aku lain. Pemikiran aku lain, cara aku lain. Im tak boleh expect aku sama macam Isz. Tapi aku tau, dia terpengaruh dengan apa yang Im cakap. Memang aku sangat disappointed dengan dia. Tak bother nak amik tau kalau aku hurt dengan dia, tapi ikut cakap kawan dia yang dia fikir betul. Bukan semua perempuan sama. Kalau aku sanggup tinggalkan social life aku untuk bersama dengan dia, kenapa dia tak boleh? Dia cakap dia nak settle down, tapi dia still nak keluar hangout, lepak, flirt.. Aku tengok cara dia, aku tau dia belum ready. Umur tolak tepi, sebab dia yang tak nak change & settle down.
Kali ni, yang buat aku betul2 give up, bila dia kata aku tak layak untuk dia. Fine. Aku tak kisah. Cakap la apa pun. Aku tau kat mana dia berdiri, kat mana aku berdiri. Aku tak sangka dia boleh insult aku sampai macam tu sekali, just because of money. Sebab duit! Aku dah suruh dia buang duit plastik tu lama dulu, tak nak. Sekarang? Sebab duit plastik tu relationship punah ranah.
Aku tau, setiap kali gaduh, setiap kali jauh, dia mesti cari 2 orang yang aku paling tak suka dia jumpa. Tapi itu yang dia akan buat. Memang aku tau. 2 orang tu yang dia akan cari. Regardless kalau aku dapat tau ke apa ke. Aku tak suka dia jumpa ex dia. Perempuan mana pun tak suka. Even kawan aku pun lantun bila dia tau. Apa perlunya dia nak jumpa ex dia? Aku nak tau sebab apa yang dia nak keep in touch sangat dengan ex dia. Apa yang penting sangat untuk dia jumpa ex dia, sedangkan dia tau itu yang paling aku tak suka? Kalau betul dia tak ada apa2 dengan ex dia, try bawak aku sekali lepak dengan ex dia. Tengok apa reaksi ex dia. And dia tak pernah terus terang dengan ex dia pasal apa yang betul2 jadi masa dia putus dengan ex dia dulu. Aku macam kept in the dark.
Fine. Aku sendiri ada jumpa ex aku. Tapi bersebab! Dia sendiri yang suruh aku contact ex aku, pasal dia tau apa sebabnya aku kena contact ex aku. Bukan just nak lepak2 buang masa ke apa ke. Bersebab! Dia tau pasal tu. Jangan samakan hubungan aku & ex aku dengan dia & ex dia. Tak sama!
Kawan 'baik' dia. Aku pernah tinggalkan dia sebab hubungan dia dengan minah tu. Sebab aku tak suka. Bukan sebab aku cemburu, tapi sebab aku tau minah tu bawak bad influence kat dia. Sama jugak macam Im. Bad, bad influences. Aku tak nak dia terpengaruh dengan benda2 yang mengarut dari kawan2 dia, sebab aku tau dia macam mana. Sebab tu aku tak suka. Dengan Im, aku tak boleh buat apa2 sebab dia dah kawan lama. Tapi minah tu, tak sampai setahun kenal. Aku tengok dia macam lembu kena cucuk hidung dengan minah tu. Ikut je apa yang minah tu suruh. Dia mungkin tak sedar, tapi aku dah perhati cara minah tu dari mula. There was, and there is something wrong somewhere. And aku tau kat mana wrong tu. Cuma dia belum sedar pasal tu.
Banyak benda yang buat aku frust dengan dia. Tapi aku tutup sebelah mata je. Sampai la dia hina aku sebab duit. Itu yang paling aku tak boleh terima. Sebab dia tak fikir yang aku kena simpan duit untuk buat bayar yuran, komitmen aku dengan family & insurans aku lagi. Aku nak sangat bagitau dia masalah aku, tapi aku tau, dia tak nak dengar pun.
Sayang, memang aku sayang. Separuh nyawa aku sayang dia. Apa pun aku sanggup buat untuk dia, asalkan relevan. Tapi apa yang aku korbankan, semua tu nothing untuk dia. Sebab dia tak nak sacrifice even sikit untuk aku. Aku dah tak boleh teruskan kalau aku tau apa yang dah jadi, akan jadi lagi. Benda yang sama akan berulang. Duit, dia lepak dengan Syakila, dia contact Farah, dia maki aku. The same thing akan repeat until God knows when. Dia bukannya tak boleh berubah. Tapi dia tak nak berubah. Sebab dia nakjaga reputation dia, & dia tak nak kena hanjeng dengan kawan2 dia, kalau dia berubah. Aku tau tu.
Aku tak boleh go on lagi. Mungkin ni kali terakhir kitorang gaduh, kali terakhir kitorang salah faham & gaduh sebab benda kecik & duit, kali terakhir aku kena maki dengan dia, kali terakhir aku hurt bila dia jumpa Syakila & Farah. Lepas ni dah tak ada lagi orang dengar Shira gaduh lagi dengan Nazim. Tak akan ada lagi aku untuk kawal & jaga life dia. Tak akan ada lagi. Sebab dia cuma boleh pilih salah satu. Aku, atau Farah & Syakila. Dia takkan boleh dapat dua2. And aku tau, ramai yang suka tengok kitorang break up. Ramai yang nak tengok dia dengan Farah get together. Even mak angkat dia. Orang tengok aku just sebagai perampas tunang orang, walaupun aku tak pernah buat macam tu.
Hubby yang ku sayang2,
Kalau you tak boleh buat pilihan...
I'm sorry. Forget me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Morphine and Knees
If you ever leave me baby, Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication to realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.
There’s no religion that could save me,
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’, Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.
Cause there’ll be no sunlight, if I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away, Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...
I’ll never be your mother’s favorite, Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl, Walkin’ with that troublesome guy
But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication to realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.
There’s no religion that could save me,
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’, Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.
Cause there’ll be no sunlight, if I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away, Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...
I’ll never be your mother’s favorite, Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl, Walkin’ with that troublesome guy
But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make you mine
Don’t just say, goodbye, Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make it right
Cause there’ll be no sunlight, If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make you mine
Don’t just say, goodbye, Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make it right
Cause there’ll be no sunlight, If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...
****
You laid next to me, pull me close to your chest. You played this song from the phone and asked me to listen to it. I didn't care about this song much, didn't have the urge to know more about it. But when you played the song, and you tell me to leave some morphine if I ever want to leave you, I started to listen to bits of words and... it's beautiful.
And I started to look for this song to download and it really is, beautiful. How a man is willing to do anything for his girl.
You kept on singing along with the song on phone, I felt sincerity in your heart for me - and this relationship that we're having.
Thank you. You came at the right time. I found the thing that I've been looking for. I haven't fall in love with you yet. But I know, you're the right person.
God willing, in time, step into love for the right reasons with the right person. When the time comes, love that you earn is worth the wait, tears & pain. As if it's never waited.
I thank God, thank God a lot for sending you to be next to me. Someone whom I need. Someone who'll love me with all your heart.
Thank you.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Turning Point
May this time be good for both of us
Unexpected.
Thank God you're around.
Brutal awakening
But it opened my eyes
Thank God you're around.
Unexpected.
Thank God you're around.
Brutal awakening
But it opened my eyes
Thank God you're around.
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