Lagu telenovela yang adik aku gila2 sangat. Best jugak. Tapi hero drama ni tak hemsemlah. Not my type or eye candy. Layankan lagu je.
No puedo olvidar, El tono de tu voz
Me extendio la mano Necesitaba amor
No puede olvidar El mar de tus ojos
Sien el fondo de ellos Brilla mi dolor
Cuanto tiempo debo, Esperar un rayo de sol
Cuanto tiempo debo, Caminar para llegar a tu amor
No me esperes, No me dejes
Yo te encuentro en su momento
No me hables, No te busco
Yo me pierdo entre tus besos
No lo puedo evitar
Ni tu ni yo, Lo podemos evitar
#
#
I can not forget the tone of your voice
I reached needed love
Can not forget the sea of your eyes
Temple deep inside them, shine my pain
How long should I wait a sunbeam
How long should I walk to get to your love
Do not wait, do not leave me
I find you in time
I do not speak, do not look for you
I'm lost in your kisses
I can not help
Neither you nor I can avoid
**Jiwang gila owh! Versi Spanish punya juwang. XD
Actng Mets
- missnoperfect
- KL+UPM, Silver State., Malaysia
- This is like my electronic diary. I write what I feel. I write when I'm sad, angry, upset. I whine, I mourn, I curse, I cry here. If you don't like it, or you just want to know how pathetic my life is and use it against me, DON'T read.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Aku Yang Terrible
Aku. Aku yang short-tempered, cepat melenting, emosi. Aku selalu ikutkan marah, ikutkan hati. Aku fikir aku kuat. Tapi sebenarnya aku tak mampu bear the consequences atas apa yang aku buat. Aku lemah. Aku selalu ikutkan perasaan aku, tanpa fikirkan hati orang lain. Aku yang pentingkan diri sendiri, pentingkan nafsu sendiri. Sebab amarah aku, semua orang yang aku sayang aku letak makin jauh. Aku nyata silap. Berbual dengan Mama hari ni buat aku sedar betapa aku silap. Tentang segala2nya.
***
Hubby, maafkan I. Mungkin apa yang I rasa untuk you sekarang, dah terlalu lambat. Mungkin dalam hati you dah tak ada Shira yang you panggil Baby lagi. Mungkin jugak kali ni you takkan dapat maafkan I lagi, buat selama2nya. I sedar, betapa I silap dalam perasaan tak selamat, dalam rasa cemburu yang terlalu. I tak mampu terima keadaan kita yang fragile. Terlalu fragile sampai kita tak mampu bertahan untuk jangka masa yang panjang.
Apa yang Mama cakap betul. Jangan sekali2 pertaruhkan hubungan setiap kali ada kita bergaduh. It makes our relationship so fragile that silap sikit pun boleh scatter. And she was right, never ever put our relationship at stake.
I silap, sayang. Tapi sungguh, I tak mampu terima hubungan you dengan dia. I takkan mampu tutup sebelah mata & pretend yang I tak rasa apa2. Dengan yang lain, I tak kisah.. Tapi dia, dia. I tak mampu, B. Susah untuk I faham situasi ni, bila I berkali2 mohon maaf tapi dia tak bagi kat I. Tapi bila dia berkawan elok dengan you, I jadi tak suka. I tak boleh terima. Sebab bagi dia I perampas, I perempuan sundal, bitch.. I tak boleh terima bila orang yang you panggil kawan, panggil I bitch.
Memang, memang I tak faham hubungan you dengan dia. Dan I takkan mampu faham sepenuhnya kalau you sendiri tak nak bagi I faham duduk perkara sebenar2nya. You sendiri tau, betapa cemburu I dengan mana2 perempuan yang dekat dengan you. Apatah lagi dia, yang dulunya kawan baik I, rapat dengan I, bercerita segala apa dengan I. Dan dia jugak sekarang masih panggil I musuh dia, hanya sebab dia percaya I perampas tunang dia satu masa dulu. I tak faham, kenapa you tak sekali pun bagitau dia yang I tak pernah rampas you dari dia, and end this misunderstanding.
Tolonglah, tolong bagi I faham. Bagitau I apa yang ada dalam hati you, I tak mampu baca hati you kalau you tak mau berkongsi dengan I.
Dua hari, I marah betul kat you. Tapi lepas tu, lepas I talk dengan Mama, I sedar apa yang I buat kat you sangat teruk. Mama suruh I letak diri I in your shoes. And I can tell how bad you must feel bila kena maki macam tu. Sama macam apa yang I rasa dulu. And I feel horrible for all that I have done, without thinking straight. I mengaku I silap, betul2 silap. I tak mampu betulkan apa yang I dah buat. I screwed up. All I can do is promise you that this will never happen again.
Bila I tanya Mama, dia cakap kalau you dah sanggup spend 1 hari raya pertama, all day dengan I & family, takkan itu tak cukup lagi? Kita dah nak kahwin, tapi I belum dapat get over our past. Jangan tanya I kenapa, I pun tak ada jawapannya. I jadi gila when it comes to her.
I tau, apa yang I buat teruk sangat. I tau you pantang kalau I nak break-up, tapi itu yang I selalu buat. I provoke you. I tau you marah. You marah sangat2. Mungkin sampai bila2, you tak dapat terima I balik. Apa yang mampu I buat, is that I mintak maaf sangat2 atas segala apa yang jadi. I mintak maaf dari hujung rambut, sampai hujung kaki. And I janji pada you, I takkan sebut2 lagi about breaking up, walau macam mana teruk kita bergaduh..
I terlalu sayangkan you, I tak mampu kehilangan you, I tak mampu tengok you dengan orang lain. Kalaulah you tak nak teruskan hubungan kita, I rela pergi jauh dari KL, jauh dari semua yang ingatkan I pada you daripada tengok you dengan orang lain. I tak mampu, I tak mampu sayang.
From deep down inside, apa yang I cakap malam tu sebenarnya I tak maksudkan langsung. Tak pernah ada niat untuk I putuskan hubungan kita. Silap I, tak berterus terang dengan you. I berkias dengan cara kasar, biadap. Malam tu, I tunggu you datang & pujuk I, sebab I marah. I say things that I don't mean, just to make you angry. Tapi I lupa, bila you marah, I takkan dapat apa yang I nak dari you, yang you selalu bagi masa kita happy.
I ingat I cukup kuat untuk hidup tanpa you, tapi I lost bila you tak ada. Hidup I tak terurus tanpa you. Apa yang I tau B, I sayang you sepenuh hati. Tak ada yang lain. Datanglah putera raja sekalipun, I tetap pilih you. And I tau, dalam hati you, ada rasa sayang yang banyak untuk I. Kalau tak, you takkan buat segala2nya untuk I. I tau tu, B.
Mungkin ini ujian untuk kita, mungkin ini untuk kita bina persefahaman bersama, mungkin ini titik perubahan untuk I, dan mungkin ini jugak titik noktah untuk kita. I tak tau. I cuma mampu berserah.
Tapi, kalaulah you tak dapat terima I balik, I tak mampu buat apa2. Itu keputusan you, and I tak paksa you untuk terima I. Cuma I mintak you pertimbangkan keadaan ni, dan maafkan I kali ni macam mana selalunya I maafkan semua perbuatan you. Itu je yang I mintak. Kalau you tetap dengan keputusan you, I tak mampu buat apa2, sebab salah I sendiri. I kena tanggung akibatnya. I terima apa pun keputusan you. I cuma mampu tawakal & kalau jodoh I dengan you, I akan jumpa you & kita akan teruskan hubungan ni macam dulu. Tapi kalau jodoh bukan milik kita, you tak nak teruskan lagi, I terpaksa reda.
I tau, dalam hati you ada rasa sayang & cinta untuk I. And kalau masih ada rasa yang kuat untuk I, baliklah. I tunggu you. Selagi ada sayang, I masih nak cuba, nak bina masa depan kita.
Sincerely B, from the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my misbehaviour. I love you; truly, madly, deeply.
***
Mama pesan, ini aku kena jadikan titik perubahan dalam diri aku. Macam mana? Aku sendiri tak tau. Mama suruh aku jadi seorang yang sabar, laid back, chill & tenang. Jangan terlalu cepat nak melenting tak tentu pasal. Akibatnya bukan orang lain, tapi aku sendiri yang tanggung. Aku kena belajar jadi seorang yang wise, fikir sebelum aku buat apa2. Biasalah aku, degil. Keras kepala. Ikut hati. Aku lupa, orang tua2 kata 'ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa'. Aku kena pegang pepatah tu, buat guideline supaya aku tak buat silap yang sama lagi.
Mama pesan lagi, kalau kita lukakan hati orang yang kita sayang, sebenarnya apa yang kita buat tu sama macam kita lukakan hati kita sendiri.
Aku janji dengan diri aku sendiri sayang, aku takkan lukakan hati kamu lagi. Takkan.
***
Hubby, maafkan I. Mungkin apa yang I rasa untuk you sekarang, dah terlalu lambat. Mungkin dalam hati you dah tak ada Shira yang you panggil Baby lagi. Mungkin jugak kali ni you takkan dapat maafkan I lagi, buat selama2nya. I sedar, betapa I silap dalam perasaan tak selamat, dalam rasa cemburu yang terlalu. I tak mampu terima keadaan kita yang fragile. Terlalu fragile sampai kita tak mampu bertahan untuk jangka masa yang panjang.
Apa yang Mama cakap betul. Jangan sekali2 pertaruhkan hubungan setiap kali ada kita bergaduh. It makes our relationship so fragile that silap sikit pun boleh scatter. And she was right, never ever put our relationship at stake.
I silap, sayang. Tapi sungguh, I tak mampu terima hubungan you dengan dia. I takkan mampu tutup sebelah mata & pretend yang I tak rasa apa2. Dengan yang lain, I tak kisah.. Tapi dia, dia. I tak mampu, B. Susah untuk I faham situasi ni, bila I berkali2 mohon maaf tapi dia tak bagi kat I. Tapi bila dia berkawan elok dengan you, I jadi tak suka. I tak boleh terima. Sebab bagi dia I perampas, I perempuan sundal, bitch.. I tak boleh terima bila orang yang you panggil kawan, panggil I bitch.
Memang, memang I tak faham hubungan you dengan dia. Dan I takkan mampu faham sepenuhnya kalau you sendiri tak nak bagi I faham duduk perkara sebenar2nya. You sendiri tau, betapa cemburu I dengan mana2 perempuan yang dekat dengan you. Apatah lagi dia, yang dulunya kawan baik I, rapat dengan I, bercerita segala apa dengan I. Dan dia jugak sekarang masih panggil I musuh dia, hanya sebab dia percaya I perampas tunang dia satu masa dulu. I tak faham, kenapa you tak sekali pun bagitau dia yang I tak pernah rampas you dari dia, and end this misunderstanding.
Tolonglah, tolong bagi I faham. Bagitau I apa yang ada dalam hati you, I tak mampu baca hati you kalau you tak mau berkongsi dengan I.
Dua hari, I marah betul kat you. Tapi lepas tu, lepas I talk dengan Mama, I sedar apa yang I buat kat you sangat teruk. Mama suruh I letak diri I in your shoes. And I can tell how bad you must feel bila kena maki macam tu. Sama macam apa yang I rasa dulu. And I feel horrible for all that I have done, without thinking straight. I mengaku I silap, betul2 silap. I tak mampu betulkan apa yang I dah buat. I screwed up. All I can do is promise you that this will never happen again.
Bila I tanya Mama, dia cakap kalau you dah sanggup spend 1 hari raya pertama, all day dengan I & family, takkan itu tak cukup lagi? Kita dah nak kahwin, tapi I belum dapat get over our past. Jangan tanya I kenapa, I pun tak ada jawapannya. I jadi gila when it comes to her.
I tau, apa yang I buat teruk sangat. I tau you pantang kalau I nak break-up, tapi itu yang I selalu buat. I provoke you. I tau you marah. You marah sangat2. Mungkin sampai bila2, you tak dapat terima I balik. Apa yang mampu I buat, is that I mintak maaf sangat2 atas segala apa yang jadi. I mintak maaf dari hujung rambut, sampai hujung kaki. And I janji pada you, I takkan sebut2 lagi about breaking up, walau macam mana teruk kita bergaduh..
I terlalu sayangkan you, I tak mampu kehilangan you, I tak mampu tengok you dengan orang lain. Kalaulah you tak nak teruskan hubungan kita, I rela pergi jauh dari KL, jauh dari semua yang ingatkan I pada you daripada tengok you dengan orang lain. I tak mampu, I tak mampu sayang.
From deep down inside, apa yang I cakap malam tu sebenarnya I tak maksudkan langsung. Tak pernah ada niat untuk I putuskan hubungan kita. Silap I, tak berterus terang dengan you. I berkias dengan cara kasar, biadap. Malam tu, I tunggu you datang & pujuk I, sebab I marah. I say things that I don't mean, just to make you angry. Tapi I lupa, bila you marah, I takkan dapat apa yang I nak dari you, yang you selalu bagi masa kita happy.
I ingat I cukup kuat untuk hidup tanpa you, tapi I lost bila you tak ada. Hidup I tak terurus tanpa you. Apa yang I tau B, I sayang you sepenuh hati. Tak ada yang lain. Datanglah putera raja sekalipun, I tetap pilih you. And I tau, dalam hati you, ada rasa sayang yang banyak untuk I. Kalau tak, you takkan buat segala2nya untuk I. I tau tu, B.
Mungkin ini ujian untuk kita, mungkin ini untuk kita bina persefahaman bersama, mungkin ini titik perubahan untuk I, dan mungkin ini jugak titik noktah untuk kita. I tak tau. I cuma mampu berserah.
Tapi, kalaulah you tak dapat terima I balik, I tak mampu buat apa2. Itu keputusan you, and I tak paksa you untuk terima I. Cuma I mintak you pertimbangkan keadaan ni, dan maafkan I kali ni macam mana selalunya I maafkan semua perbuatan you. Itu je yang I mintak. Kalau you tetap dengan keputusan you, I tak mampu buat apa2, sebab salah I sendiri. I kena tanggung akibatnya. I terima apa pun keputusan you. I cuma mampu tawakal & kalau jodoh I dengan you, I akan jumpa you & kita akan teruskan hubungan ni macam dulu. Tapi kalau jodoh bukan milik kita, you tak nak teruskan lagi, I terpaksa reda.
I tau, dalam hati you ada rasa sayang & cinta untuk I. And kalau masih ada rasa yang kuat untuk I, baliklah. I tunggu you. Selagi ada sayang, I masih nak cuba, nak bina masa depan kita.
Sincerely B, from the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my misbehaviour. I love you; truly, madly, deeply.
Mama pesan, ini aku kena jadikan titik perubahan dalam diri aku. Macam mana? Aku sendiri tak tau. Mama suruh aku jadi seorang yang sabar, laid back, chill & tenang. Jangan terlalu cepat nak melenting tak tentu pasal. Akibatnya bukan orang lain, tapi aku sendiri yang tanggung. Aku kena belajar jadi seorang yang wise, fikir sebelum aku buat apa2. Biasalah aku, degil. Keras kepala. Ikut hati. Aku lupa, orang tua2 kata 'ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa'. Aku kena pegang pepatah tu, buat guideline supaya aku tak buat silap yang sama lagi.
Mama pesan lagi, kalau kita lukakan hati orang yang kita sayang, sebenarnya apa yang kita buat tu sama macam kita lukakan hati kita sendiri.
Aku janji dengan diri aku sendiri sayang, aku takkan lukakan hati kamu lagi. Takkan.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Bila Penipu Berlagak Jujur
Orang kata trust macam cermin. Sekali pecah, kalau cantum balik, reflection takkan sama macam sebelumnya.
Masalah aku yang paling besar; aku mudah percaya kat orang. Be it anybody, bila aku selesa dengan dia, aku akan mudah percaya even bukan 100%.
Tadi aku tengok gambar kau berpeluk dengan kawan baik kau. Mesranya sampai berpeluk2! Sayangnya kau kat kawan baik kau tu kan? Sampai berpeluk sakan. Kawan kau pun suka kau peluk dia. Senyum je dia. Suka lah, berjaya buat aku tinggalkan kau & dia dapat kau totally untuk dia. Tak payah nak share2 dengan aku. Honestly, aku rasa macam nak baling kamera tu bagi bersepai. Baru puas hati aku. Panas!
Tapi nak buat apa, kan? Rugi je kamera mahal2 lingkup.
Jujur aku cakap, memang dulu aku tengok dia bukan apa2 untuk kita. Tapi lama2 aku tengok dia makin melampau. Buat kau sesuka hati dia. Aku tau, kau tu kawan yang caring lah, ambik berat lah. Tapi takkan ambik berat sampai kau nak peluk betina laknat tu? Kawan2 jantan kau sentuh pun tak! Konon, anggap dia macam adik lelaki kau. Adik lelaki orang tak peluk lah! Bebal ke apa?
OK. Whatever it is, point aku is that betina laknat yang kau sayang2 tu penipu besar! Kau tu buta!
Panggil aku jealous freak, tapi bila aku kata aku tak suka betina tu, aku tak suka! Aku takkan terima dia balik sebagai kawan. Takkan. Kau sendiri panggil dia pondan, maknanya dia tak sejantan mana macam yang dia canang2kan. Sejak dari awal aku rapat dengan ko dulu betina, aku dah tangkap kau menipu. Minum kopi, tapi bila aku tanya balik, ko kata ko tak minum kopi? WTF? Who are you fooling here, bitch? Aku bukan 5 tahun. Aku bukan kawan2 kau yang kau boleh kencing sesuka hati.
Banyak kali aku tengok kau menipu. Apa kau dapat dengan menipu? Kau dapat win hati tunang aku, kau dapat buat dia tunduk kat segala kehendak kau?
Aku tengok profile kau. Aku mengaku. Call me a stalker, or whatever you want. After all, mostly people stalk on that social network web. Sape je yang tak stalk? Kau? Berenti la menipu. Segala apa yang kau bagitau aku, semua aku ingat. So don't lie. You're busted the second you do.
Kau amik masa dia, kau tarik perhatian dia, kau kikis duit dia, kau kata kau jujur? Pergi mampus! Jujur my ass! Kau memang slick la, serius. Aku ingat hati kau baik, tapi rupanya kau punya agenda terbaik! Memang aku tertipu dengan kau. Ramai pun tertipu dengan helah kau kan? Baik. Memang, memang kau BAIK sangat!
Pinjam duit orang, janji bayar bila? Lepas tu, tangguh. Lepas tangguh, macam2 alasan kau bagi. Tukar kerja la, cek tak keluar la, gaji sangkut la, mak kau punya hal la apa la! Aku tengok kau pergi makan kat tempat2 yang harga sepinggan dish 50-60rm? Macam tu, takde duit? kat gambar kau, pakai android apa? Galaxy Tab? Kau curi ke Tab tu? Or kau jumpa kat tepi jalan? Memang kau dasar penipu!
Orang kalau jantina sendiri pun dia nak tipu, apa lagi benda2 lain, kan? Diri sendiri pun kau tipu, apa lagi orang lain. Aku paling benci penipu. Seriously, memang aku benci penipu. Once kena tipu, aku boleh bagi muka. Tapi kalau 2nd chance kau screw up, memang kau bukan sapa2 lagi untuk aku. Apatah lagi kalau nak berkawan balik dengan kau. Big no-no!
Aku takkan maafkan kau. Takkan sekali2. Kau nak menggatal, kau nak bermanja, kau cari jantan lain. Jangan kau nak cari tunang aku lagi. Kau nak rasa makan tangan, kau buat.
Aku ingat dalam hati, dalam kepala. Kalau diri sendiri pun kau tipu, orang lain sepuluh kali kau boleh tipu. Memang kau golongan laknat. Aku benci golongan laknat, takkan sekali2 aku bercampur dengan orang macam kau lagi.
Masalah aku yang paling besar; aku mudah percaya kat orang. Be it anybody, bila aku selesa dengan dia, aku akan mudah percaya even bukan 100%.
Tadi aku tengok gambar kau berpeluk dengan kawan baik kau. Mesranya sampai berpeluk2! Sayangnya kau kat kawan baik kau tu kan? Sampai berpeluk sakan. Kawan kau pun suka kau peluk dia. Senyum je dia. Suka lah, berjaya buat aku tinggalkan kau & dia dapat kau totally untuk dia. Tak payah nak share2 dengan aku. Honestly, aku rasa macam nak baling kamera tu bagi bersepai. Baru puas hati aku. Panas!
Tapi nak buat apa, kan? Rugi je kamera mahal2 lingkup.
Jujur aku cakap, memang dulu aku tengok dia bukan apa2 untuk kita. Tapi lama2 aku tengok dia makin melampau. Buat kau sesuka hati dia. Aku tau, kau tu kawan yang caring lah, ambik berat lah. Tapi takkan ambik berat sampai kau nak peluk betina laknat tu? Kawan2 jantan kau sentuh pun tak! Konon, anggap dia macam adik lelaki kau. Adik lelaki orang tak peluk lah! Bebal ke apa?
OK. Whatever it is, point aku is that betina laknat yang kau sayang2 tu penipu besar! Kau tu buta!
Panggil aku jealous freak, tapi bila aku kata aku tak suka betina tu, aku tak suka! Aku takkan terima dia balik sebagai kawan. Takkan. Kau sendiri panggil dia pondan, maknanya dia tak sejantan mana macam yang dia canang2kan. Sejak dari awal aku rapat dengan ko dulu betina, aku dah tangkap kau menipu. Minum kopi, tapi bila aku tanya balik, ko kata ko tak minum kopi? WTF? Who are you fooling here, bitch? Aku bukan 5 tahun. Aku bukan kawan2 kau yang kau boleh kencing sesuka hati.
Banyak kali aku tengok kau menipu. Apa kau dapat dengan menipu? Kau dapat win hati tunang aku, kau dapat buat dia tunduk kat segala kehendak kau?
Aku tengok profile kau. Aku mengaku. Call me a stalker, or whatever you want. After all, mostly people stalk on that social network web. Sape je yang tak stalk? Kau? Berenti la menipu. Segala apa yang kau bagitau aku, semua aku ingat. So don't lie. You're busted the second you do.
Kau amik masa dia, kau tarik perhatian dia, kau kikis duit dia, kau kata kau jujur? Pergi mampus! Jujur my ass! Kau memang slick la, serius. Aku ingat hati kau baik, tapi rupanya kau punya agenda terbaik! Memang aku tertipu dengan kau. Ramai pun tertipu dengan helah kau kan? Baik. Memang, memang kau BAIK sangat!
Pinjam duit orang, janji bayar bila? Lepas tu, tangguh. Lepas tangguh, macam2 alasan kau bagi. Tukar kerja la, cek tak keluar la, gaji sangkut la, mak kau punya hal la apa la! Aku tengok kau pergi makan kat tempat2 yang harga sepinggan dish 50-60rm? Macam tu, takde duit? kat gambar kau, pakai android apa? Galaxy Tab? Kau curi ke Tab tu? Or kau jumpa kat tepi jalan? Memang kau dasar penipu!
Orang kalau jantina sendiri pun dia nak tipu, apa lagi benda2 lain, kan? Diri sendiri pun kau tipu, apa lagi orang lain. Aku paling benci penipu. Seriously, memang aku benci penipu. Once kena tipu, aku boleh bagi muka. Tapi kalau 2nd chance kau screw up, memang kau bukan sapa2 lagi untuk aku. Apatah lagi kalau nak berkawan balik dengan kau. Big no-no!
Aku takkan maafkan kau. Takkan sekali2. Kau nak menggatal, kau nak bermanja, kau cari jantan lain. Jangan kau nak cari tunang aku lagi. Kau nak rasa makan tangan, kau buat.
Aku ingat dalam hati, dalam kepala. Kalau diri sendiri pun kau tipu, orang lain sepuluh kali kau boleh tipu. Memang kau golongan laknat. Aku benci golongan laknat, takkan sekali2 aku bercampur dengan orang macam kau lagi.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Bloody Angry
Angry and bloody over trifles.
Pagi ni aku tak ada mood. Aku tengok kau tertekan tak dapat cari barang2 kau, kau mengamuk baling segala benda yang yang ada depan mata kau. Habis gelas semua pecah, kain baju yang tergantung kau tarik ranapkan habis semua. Apa ni sayang? Kau seharusnya belajar bersabar, ingat puasa bukan tahan lapar & dahaga je. Sia2 kau puasa kalau amarah kau tak dikepung.
Jujur, aku tak suka. Aku benci. Aku benci tengok orang mengamuk pasal hal remeh. Ini baru sebab kecik yang kau nak marah2kan. Macam mana kalau aku letupkan kereta kau? Musnahkan motor kau? Apa kau nak buat? Patahkan tulang empat kerat aku? Belasah aku sampai masuk ICU?
Kamon, sayang. Belajarlah terima sesuatu dengan hati terbuka. Kalau hari ni dia buang barang2 kau, sound je dia. Kaw2 pun takpe. Asalkan kau tak mengamuk pecahkan pinggan mangkuk. Kalau esok dia simpankan barang2 kau samapi tak dapat kita cari, bagitau dia jangan sentuh barang2 kau. Grow up sayang. Aku tak mau kau mengamuk hari ni sebab dia, nanti kau mengamuk sebab kau marahkan aku pulak. Aku tak nak macam tu.
Aku mau tengok kau jadi seorang yang tenang. Apa jadi pun, kau cool je. Takde nak baran2, nak baling2 barang, nak menengking2. Cool, tapi apa2 yang kau cakapkan tajam menusuk hati orang. Straight kena tepet kat muka. Itu baru betul nak ajar orang, sayang. Bukan dengan cara violent.
Aku tau, mungkin hari ni, salah aku pun ada. Aku tak jaga kau & barang2 kau. Tapi, aku tak tinggal bersama kau, so aku tak boleh nak fokus seluruhnya untuk jaga kau. Lainlah kalau kita dah menikah & tinggal serumah.
Tindakan kau pagi tadi buat aku berfikir sendiri. Betul ke tindakan aku, pilihan aku untuk habiskan sisa hidup aku dengan kau? Baran tu nature kau. Aku mengaku, susah untuk kau buang sifat tu. Tapi kau boleh kurangkan. Jangan ikut sangat marah tu, tak bawak sikit keuntungan pun kat kita. Aku percaya, kalau kau kurangkan marah, tambahkan tegas, ramai yang akan respek kau, termasuk dia. Confront dia, cakap dengan dia terang2 & tegas, apa yang kau tak mau dia buat, apa yang kau tak suka dia buat. Bagi dia faham siapa dia, kat mana kedudukan dia.
Kita dewasa. Adults. So kita kena behave macam adults. Perangai baran2 ni budak2 je buat. Ikut hati, ikut perasaan. Ikut nafsu. Kita bukan macam tu sayang. Kita matang, kita fikir pakai otak. Kita tak terburu2 ikut kehendak hati. Kita bukan childish.
Aku yakin kau boleh jadi someone better satu hari nanti.
Aku yakin.
Satu hari nanti.
Pagi ni aku tak ada mood. Aku tengok kau tertekan tak dapat cari barang2 kau, kau mengamuk baling segala benda yang yang ada depan mata kau. Habis gelas semua pecah, kain baju yang tergantung kau tarik ranapkan habis semua. Apa ni sayang? Kau seharusnya belajar bersabar, ingat puasa bukan tahan lapar & dahaga je. Sia2 kau puasa kalau amarah kau tak dikepung.
Jujur, aku tak suka. Aku benci. Aku benci tengok orang mengamuk pasal hal remeh. Ini baru sebab kecik yang kau nak marah2kan. Macam mana kalau aku letupkan kereta kau? Musnahkan motor kau? Apa kau nak buat? Patahkan tulang empat kerat aku? Belasah aku sampai masuk ICU?
Kamon, sayang. Belajarlah terima sesuatu dengan hati terbuka. Kalau hari ni dia buang barang2 kau, sound je dia. Kaw2 pun takpe. Asalkan kau tak mengamuk pecahkan pinggan mangkuk. Kalau esok dia simpankan barang2 kau samapi tak dapat kita cari, bagitau dia jangan sentuh barang2 kau. Grow up sayang. Aku tak mau kau mengamuk hari ni sebab dia, nanti kau mengamuk sebab kau marahkan aku pulak. Aku tak nak macam tu.
Aku mau tengok kau jadi seorang yang tenang. Apa jadi pun, kau cool je. Takde nak baran2, nak baling2 barang, nak menengking2. Cool, tapi apa2 yang kau cakapkan tajam menusuk hati orang. Straight kena tepet kat muka. Itu baru betul nak ajar orang, sayang. Bukan dengan cara violent.
Aku tau, mungkin hari ni, salah aku pun ada. Aku tak jaga kau & barang2 kau. Tapi, aku tak tinggal bersama kau, so aku tak boleh nak fokus seluruhnya untuk jaga kau. Lainlah kalau kita dah menikah & tinggal serumah.
Tindakan kau pagi tadi buat aku berfikir sendiri. Betul ke tindakan aku, pilihan aku untuk habiskan sisa hidup aku dengan kau? Baran tu nature kau. Aku mengaku, susah untuk kau buang sifat tu. Tapi kau boleh kurangkan. Jangan ikut sangat marah tu, tak bawak sikit keuntungan pun kat kita. Aku percaya, kalau kau kurangkan marah, tambahkan tegas, ramai yang akan respek kau, termasuk dia. Confront dia, cakap dengan dia terang2 & tegas, apa yang kau tak mau dia buat, apa yang kau tak suka dia buat. Bagi dia faham siapa dia, kat mana kedudukan dia.
Kita dewasa. Adults. So kita kena behave macam adults. Perangai baran2 ni budak2 je buat. Ikut hati, ikut perasaan. Ikut nafsu. Kita bukan macam tu sayang. Kita matang, kita fikir pakai otak. Kita tak terburu2 ikut kehendak hati. Kita bukan childish.
Aku yakin kau boleh jadi someone better satu hari nanti.
Aku yakin.
Satu hari nanti.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
'Friend'.
Poor you. Seriously, I pity you.
I know, you're still angry about the things that happened before. You thought it was me, you still think it's me who ruined your relationship. I tried to talk, explain, come clear about what happened, but you still point the fault at me.
I felt bad. I did. I still do. Because I lose you as a friend. Really, I hate losing a friend in a bad way, in a situation where both of us can't find closure between us. But you refused.
Twice. I push away my ego, my conscience to find truce between us. But both times, I failed.
Hate it.
But to really give a thought about it, at first yes, it was partly my fault. Do you know why he left you? It wasn't really me, the reason he left you. It was you. A man can never take it when his partner cheat on him. Let alone you, you were his fiancee, his wife-to-be. You didn't just flirt with other men, you slept with some. Of course he couldn't take it, you crushed his ego as a man. Not because of me. I accepted him to be with me when I know he was with you. We hooked up about a month after the night he dumped you. I know, it wasn't a right thing to do, being together with a friend's ex.
But, but.. he returned to you. He left me, and he returned to you. I knew why he withdrew from our relationship before, I still remember you were in Bali that time. We broke up and he tried to get you back.
Our friends told me that he treated you like a princess, did everything for you. As if he was not the same person he used to be.
Again, you made the mistake that makes you lose him once again. You told him not to bug you anymore, leave you alone and that you didn't want him anymore. How's that me as someone to be blamed? I think, if you treated him well, give him another chance, you guys would've make one happy couple. But no, you had to avenge your broken heart. So you cheated on him with some smart-ass white fag, took his money and screw the white guy in London when before that you were screwing him. Where's your dignity as a woman?
And still, you blame me. No. Hell no! I wasn't in the picture when all the cheating-with-a-Brit happened. You crushed him, both as your partner and as a man. Again! Don't you ever think about how he felt the first time he found out you cheated on him? And after that, when he tried to make amends to you, you cheat on him again? As a person, if I were in his shoes, I would've throw a cheap girl away from me and look for a decent one for me to love.
This is what I feel, after almost two years holding back guilt, feeling that I stole him from you. But being you, the person I used to know well, you will never stop blaming me. God knows until when.
I just want some truce between us. We don't have to be friends like before, if you don't want to. I'm OK with that. I don't really need a friend like you, who'll just be with me when I'm happy, and disappear when I'm in trouble. Thanks, but no thanks. I have better friends.
Truce. That's all.
I know, you're still angry about the things that happened before. You thought it was me, you still think it's me who ruined your relationship. I tried to talk, explain, come clear about what happened, but you still point the fault at me.
I felt bad. I did. I still do. Because I lose you as a friend. Really, I hate losing a friend in a bad way, in a situation where both of us can't find closure between us. But you refused.
Twice. I push away my ego, my conscience to find truce between us. But both times, I failed.
Hate it.
But to really give a thought about it, at first yes, it was partly my fault. Do you know why he left you? It wasn't really me, the reason he left you. It was you. A man can never take it when his partner cheat on him. Let alone you, you were his fiancee, his wife-to-be. You didn't just flirt with other men, you slept with some. Of course he couldn't take it, you crushed his ego as a man. Not because of me. I accepted him to be with me when I know he was with you. We hooked up about a month after the night he dumped you. I know, it wasn't a right thing to do, being together with a friend's ex.
But, but.. he returned to you. He left me, and he returned to you. I knew why he withdrew from our relationship before, I still remember you were in Bali that time. We broke up and he tried to get you back.
Our friends told me that he treated you like a princess, did everything for you. As if he was not the same person he used to be.
Again, you made the mistake that makes you lose him once again. You told him not to bug you anymore, leave you alone and that you didn't want him anymore. How's that me as someone to be blamed? I think, if you treated him well, give him another chance, you guys would've make one happy couple. But no, you had to avenge your broken heart. So you cheated on him with some smart-ass white fag, took his money and screw the white guy in London when before that you were screwing him. Where's your dignity as a woman?
And still, you blame me. No. Hell no! I wasn't in the picture when all the cheating-with-a-Brit happened. You crushed him, both as your partner and as a man. Again! Don't you ever think about how he felt the first time he found out you cheated on him? And after that, when he tried to make amends to you, you cheat on him again? As a person, if I were in his shoes, I would've throw a cheap girl away from me and look for a decent one for me to love.
This is what I feel, after almost two years holding back guilt, feeling that I stole him from you. But being you, the person I used to know well, you will never stop blaming me. God knows until when.
I just want some truce between us. We don't have to be friends like before, if you don't want to. I'm OK with that. I don't really need a friend like you, who'll just be with me when I'm happy, and disappear when I'm in trouble. Thanks, but no thanks. I have better friends.
Truce. That's all.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Family.
Mau poyo2 sekejap.
Tips Keharmonian Rumahtangga.
Siapa pun yang dah kahwin mau marriage yang harmoni. 1st thing, macam mana nak buat hubungan suami-isteri tu harmoni. Bukan senang, kena ada usaha & sacrifice. Yang aku dapat ni, aku jumpa dalam 1 page kat Facebook, dari buku Kaifa Tushbihina Zaujah Rumansiyyah; oleh Wafaa' Muhammad. Bahasa Indonesia. Aku edit sikit (banyak) lah..
1. Saling kenal & memahami.
Tempat & situation suami-isteri membesar sangat2 mempengaruhi ragam selera, behavior & sikap tersendiri. Spouse mesti faham keadaan ni & try to understand partner. Kena tau jugak semua hal berkaitan life yg effect partner sampai dapat jumpa point harmoni between each other.
2. Perasaan imbal-balik (give and take[?])
Suami & isteri=life partner. Lagi rapat dengan ikatan nikah. Share suka duka, masalah sama2. Tolong & support each other untuk dapatkan life atas jalan Allah & RasulNya. Untuk pupuk kasih sayang pada dua2 pihak, suami perlu cinta isteri, isteri pun perlu cinta dari suami.
...Suami dan isteri harus berbagi suka-suka, membagi kesedihan dan kegembiraan bersama...
3. Hormat
Suami masuk rumah, dia layak dapat respect & appreciation dari spouse dia. Tujuannya untuk jaga hubungan & angkat prestij dia sampai each other rasa bahagia untuk build harmonious relationship. In this case, couple wajib cari point2 positif kat partner untuk dapatkan rasa respect untuk each other.
4. Senangkan Pasangan
Dalam family life, or generally; kalau someone utamakan orang lain dari diri sendiri, meaning dia spread kasih sayang kat orang2 sekeliling. Therefore, married couple mesti senangkan partner, buatkan partner priority no.1, untuk kukuhkan hubungan kasih sayang dalam relationship. Sebabnya, kalau suami nampak usaha isteri untuk senangkan hati & diri dia, of course dia akan buat something untuk gembirakan hati isteri dia. Either untuk balas apa yang isteri dia buat, or sebagai recognition.
5. Atasi masalah bersama
Pernikahan-relation partnership, participation. Partnership: tujuan yang sama, cita2, sikap, naluri, perasaan, collaboration & solidarity dalam solving problems. Masalah yang timbul; lihat sebagai collective emergencies. Bila fikir macam tu, suami akan berusaha untuk bagi life yang selesa untuk family. Isteri pulak handle urusan rumah according to plan. Apa yang couple boleh buat tu dapat solve masalah sama2. Suami/isteri, jangan simpan masalah, mesti perlu jujur & transparent untuk build trust & understanding so that masalah boleh sama2 selesaikan. Boleh jadi jugak, masalah tu yang eratkan hubungan suami-isteri.
6. Sikap Qana'ah
Antara keharmonian rumahtangga - puas, syukur dengan apa yang ada. Manja, mengada2, convenience, boros & berpoya2 masa single dulu boleh jadi isu dalam rumahtangga. Sikap2 ni berlawan dengan maturity yang perlu ada untuk realiti hidup. Hal remeh2 & mmedia influences tak mampu buat couple bahagia. Sebab? Kebahagiaan sejati datang dari dalam hati & jiwa, bukan dari aspek material yang nanti jadi isu dalam rumahtangga.
7. Toleransi
Tak logik la kalau semua orang nakkan couple yang ideal & permanent dalam marriage, sebab semua orang buat silap. Suami/isteri kadang2 lupa bila buat silap and repeat. Mungkin sebab tak sedar, apa yang dia buat tu berulang. Kalau 1 pihak nak hukum, judge, atau nak balas dendam atas setiap kesalahan partner, maksudnya dia dah rosakkan keharmonian rumahtangga.
Kalau semua benda tak suka, satu apa pun kita tak jumpa yang kita suka. Mistakes tu lumrah, perlukan guidance, directions, corrections, yang diikuti rasa kesal & niat untuk jadi lebih baik.
...kesalahan tidak perlu diikuti dengan tekanan, cacian & intimidasi, terutama jika kesalahan itu tidak berkaitan dengan norma2 keIslaman...
Yakinkan hati yang takkan habis cara untuk betulkan kesalahan partner kita. Jalan terbaik - nasihat dengan tenang, buat partner rasa apa yang perlu diubah tu untuk kebaikan diri & family.
8. Terus terang
Sikap terus terang, jujur & berani - kunci kebahagiaan dalam rumahtangga yang takkan mungkin dapat elak salah & silap. Bila buat salah, apa yang perlu dibuat; cepat2 minta maaf kat partner, mengaku kesilapan, janji pada partner & diri sendiri untuk tak ulang lagi mistake tu lagi. Sikap ni tak jatuhkan status & harga diri. Bila buat macam tu, buat partner hormat, percaya & maafkan kita.
9. Care & Unity, Agreement
Part paling indah dalam rumahtangga is bila couple care for each other & sepakat between suami/isteri bila datang masalah, hadapi kesulitan dengan sabar & usaha untuk selesaikan masalah. Bila isteri ada sebelah suami, dia akan ada rasa kuat & yakin and vice versa. Bila kita rasa partner kita strong & confident, kita pun rasa aman & tenteram. Benda ni essence dalam marriage & 'integrasi batin' between suami/isteri.
10. Kearifan
Kearifan satu sama lain - dalam suasana paling suram, bantu untuk bina strong foundation for harmony. Boleh jadi kita marah2 partner kita sebab 1 mistake, tapi kearifan/kewarasan halang kita dari buat macam tu. Bila kita waras, kita kukuhkan semangat persefahaman dalam relationship. Suami/isteri, salah seorang mungkin rasa lebih berhak dalam satu2 hal, tapi bila fikir balik, dia takkan teruskan kalau pendapatnya boleh timbulkan friction. Bila kita step-back dengan niat berlaku waras, kita buang aura konflik & perselisihan dalam relation Tapi kalau kita nak menang sendiri dengan negative superiority gantikan kita punya kewarasan, kita punya rumahtangga yang harmoni, damai & mapan tu berderai. Bila jadi macam tu, masalah akan datang tak berhenti.
...Masalah silih berganti menghampiri. Maka, kearifan adalah benteng kukuh yang melindungi keluarga dari disharmonisasi...
OK, translation failed! But These are all true. Hope I can fulfill all ten of the tips.
*Hope you will too ;)
Tips Keharmonian Rumahtangga.
Siapa pun yang dah kahwin mau marriage yang harmoni. 1st thing, macam mana nak buat hubungan suami-isteri tu harmoni. Bukan senang, kena ada usaha & sacrifice. Yang aku dapat ni, aku jumpa dalam 1 page kat Facebook, dari buku Kaifa Tushbihina Zaujah Rumansiyyah; oleh Wafaa' Muhammad. Bahasa Indonesia. Aku edit sikit (banyak) lah..
1. Saling kenal & memahami.
Tempat & situation suami-isteri membesar sangat2 mempengaruhi ragam selera, behavior & sikap tersendiri. Spouse mesti faham keadaan ni & try to understand partner. Kena tau jugak semua hal berkaitan life yg effect partner sampai dapat jumpa point harmoni between each other.
2. Perasaan imbal-balik (give and take[?])
Suami & isteri=life partner. Lagi rapat dengan ikatan nikah. Share suka duka, masalah sama2. Tolong & support each other untuk dapatkan life atas jalan Allah & RasulNya. Untuk pupuk kasih sayang pada dua2 pihak, suami perlu cinta isteri, isteri pun perlu cinta dari suami.
...Suami dan isteri harus berbagi suka-suka, membagi kesedihan dan kegembiraan bersama...
3. Hormat
Suami masuk rumah, dia layak dapat respect & appreciation dari spouse dia. Tujuannya untuk jaga hubungan & angkat prestij dia sampai each other rasa bahagia untuk build harmonious relationship. In this case, couple wajib cari point2 positif kat partner untuk dapatkan rasa respect untuk each other.
4. Senangkan Pasangan
Dalam family life, or generally; kalau someone utamakan orang lain dari diri sendiri, meaning dia spread kasih sayang kat orang2 sekeliling. Therefore, married couple mesti senangkan partner, buatkan partner priority no.1, untuk kukuhkan hubungan kasih sayang dalam relationship. Sebabnya, kalau suami nampak usaha isteri untuk senangkan hati & diri dia, of course dia akan buat something untuk gembirakan hati isteri dia. Either untuk balas apa yang isteri dia buat, or sebagai recognition.
5. Atasi masalah bersama
Pernikahan-relation partnership, participation. Partnership: tujuan yang sama, cita2, sikap, naluri, perasaan, collaboration & solidarity dalam solving problems. Masalah yang timbul; lihat sebagai collective emergencies. Bila fikir macam tu, suami akan berusaha untuk bagi life yang selesa untuk family. Isteri pulak handle urusan rumah according to plan. Apa yang couple boleh buat tu dapat solve masalah sama2. Suami/isteri, jangan simpan masalah, mesti perlu jujur & transparent untuk build trust & understanding so that masalah boleh sama2 selesaikan. Boleh jadi jugak, masalah tu yang eratkan hubungan suami-isteri.
6. Sikap Qana'ah
Antara keharmonian rumahtangga - puas, syukur dengan apa yang ada. Manja, mengada2, convenience, boros & berpoya2 masa single dulu boleh jadi isu dalam rumahtangga. Sikap2 ni berlawan dengan maturity yang perlu ada untuk realiti hidup. Hal remeh2 & mmedia influences tak mampu buat couple bahagia. Sebab? Kebahagiaan sejati datang dari dalam hati & jiwa, bukan dari aspek material yang nanti jadi isu dalam rumahtangga.
7. Toleransi
Tak logik la kalau semua orang nakkan couple yang ideal & permanent dalam marriage, sebab semua orang buat silap. Suami/isteri kadang2 lupa bila buat silap and repeat. Mungkin sebab tak sedar, apa yang dia buat tu berulang. Kalau 1 pihak nak hukum, judge, atau nak balas dendam atas setiap kesalahan partner, maksudnya dia dah rosakkan keharmonian rumahtangga.
Kalau semua benda tak suka, satu apa pun kita tak jumpa yang kita suka. Mistakes tu lumrah, perlukan guidance, directions, corrections, yang diikuti rasa kesal & niat untuk jadi lebih baik.
...kesalahan tidak perlu diikuti dengan tekanan, cacian & intimidasi, terutama jika kesalahan itu tidak berkaitan dengan norma2 keIslaman...
Yakinkan hati yang takkan habis cara untuk betulkan kesalahan partner kita. Jalan terbaik - nasihat dengan tenang, buat partner rasa apa yang perlu diubah tu untuk kebaikan diri & family.
8. Terus terang
Sikap terus terang, jujur & berani - kunci kebahagiaan dalam rumahtangga yang takkan mungkin dapat elak salah & silap. Bila buat salah, apa yang perlu dibuat; cepat2 minta maaf kat partner, mengaku kesilapan, janji pada partner & diri sendiri untuk tak ulang lagi mistake tu lagi. Sikap ni tak jatuhkan status & harga diri. Bila buat macam tu, buat partner hormat, percaya & maafkan kita.
9. Care & Unity, Agreement
Part paling indah dalam rumahtangga is bila couple care for each other & sepakat between suami/isteri bila datang masalah, hadapi kesulitan dengan sabar & usaha untuk selesaikan masalah. Bila isteri ada sebelah suami, dia akan ada rasa kuat & yakin and vice versa. Bila kita rasa partner kita strong & confident, kita pun rasa aman & tenteram. Benda ni essence dalam marriage & 'integrasi batin' between suami/isteri.
10. Kearifan
Kearifan satu sama lain - dalam suasana paling suram, bantu untuk bina strong foundation for harmony. Boleh jadi kita marah2 partner kita sebab 1 mistake, tapi kearifan/kewarasan halang kita dari buat macam tu. Bila kita waras, kita kukuhkan semangat persefahaman dalam relationship. Suami/isteri, salah seorang mungkin rasa lebih berhak dalam satu2 hal, tapi bila fikir balik, dia takkan teruskan kalau pendapatnya boleh timbulkan friction. Bila kita step-back dengan niat berlaku waras, kita buang aura konflik & perselisihan dalam relation Tapi kalau kita nak menang sendiri dengan negative superiority gantikan kita punya kewarasan, kita punya rumahtangga yang harmoni, damai & mapan tu berderai. Bila jadi macam tu, masalah akan datang tak berhenti.
...Masalah silih berganti menghampiri. Maka, kearifan adalah benteng kukuh yang melindungi keluarga dari disharmonisasi...
OK, translation failed! But These are all true. Hope I can fulfill all ten of the tips.
*Hope you will too ;)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hope?
Will this last long? I hope. Will we stay together through all obstacles on our journey to find happiness? Will you be by my side whenever I need you?
I wonder.
Aku selalu tanya diri sendiri, cukup kuat ke aku nak teruskan perjalanan dengan kamu? Building a stable, mutual relationship is never easy. Mesti kena ada persefahaman yang tinggi, give and take, sabar, etc etc. Can I, can we afford that?
Aku fikir sendiri.
June 10, 2011. I left.
June 12, 2011. I returned the rings.
June 13, 2011. It was over.
I closed my eyes, consoled my heart, and I thought to myself that this may be the best for us. Love? I had to give it up. I walked, forcing myself to keep walking and look straight ahead, don't look back. Painful, it was. Very.
I know, all the things that we worked together, all our efforts, all the time spent in building a home in each other's heart was put to a stop, crumbled.
And I know, when you said I was being too harsh when I opted for leaving instead of looking for a space to tell you what's in my heart, it was true. I did that. But, knowing our relationship, I know, it wouldn't work with words.
I know, it stabbed your heart, but I thought it was for the best. For both of us. You knew this.
It was never easy. You were my everything. My hero, my mentor, my philosopher, my pillow, my guide, everything. But I know that I had to. I just had to.
July 15, 2011. You returned.
In the middle of the night, you came to me and pulled me into your arms. Honestly? I really miss you big hug! But when I pushed you away, I know, I shouldn't put hopes too high on you. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. Many things! Because I'm afraid. Because don't want to be crying alone anymore. No, I hate that.
But I know too, you're my biggest weakness. When you knelt down before me, holding me tight, with those dear eyes that I've always miss, I can't help it. And when you were willing to plead to have me back into your arms, I know it was from the bottom of your heart. At least, that's what I thought.
Like I said, I do love you. I do care about you. But unfortunately the spark, the butterflies; they're no longer in my heart. I don't feel the goosebumps when you touch me, I don't feel the rolling thunder to my fingertips when we kiss, it's not there. No more electric jolts. Not the way it used to be.
Frankly. I'm afraid. Of many things.
What if I can't love you like before?
What if you leave?
What if we change our minds?
What if we fight and hurt each other again?
What if? What if?
Because God always tests us servants.
I need to feel safe. I need guarantee that you won't break my heart again. I need to know that the same old drama won't repeat.
How to build our relation again?
How will you make me trust you again?
How to get closer to God?
How to keep this relation safe from influences out there?
How to love each other more as time goes?
How about our financial security?
I have so many questions. I hope you have the answers.
I wonder.
Aku selalu tanya diri sendiri, cukup kuat ke aku nak teruskan perjalanan dengan kamu? Building a stable, mutual relationship is never easy. Mesti kena ada persefahaman yang tinggi, give and take, sabar, etc etc. Can I, can we afford that?
Aku fikir sendiri.
June 10, 2011. I left.
June 12, 2011. I returned the rings.
June 13, 2011. It was over.
I closed my eyes, consoled my heart, and I thought to myself that this may be the best for us. Love? I had to give it up. I walked, forcing myself to keep walking and look straight ahead, don't look back. Painful, it was. Very.
I know, all the things that we worked together, all our efforts, all the time spent in building a home in each other's heart was put to a stop, crumbled.
And I know, when you said I was being too harsh when I opted for leaving instead of looking for a space to tell you what's in my heart, it was true. I did that. But, knowing our relationship, I know, it wouldn't work with words.
I know, it stabbed your heart, but I thought it was for the best. For both of us. You knew this.
It was never easy. You were my everything. My hero, my mentor, my philosopher, my pillow, my guide, everything. But I know that I had to. I just had to.
July 15, 2011. You returned.
In the middle of the night, you came to me and pulled me into your arms. Honestly? I really miss you big hug! But when I pushed you away, I know, I shouldn't put hopes too high on you. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. Many things! Because I'm afraid. Because don't want to be crying alone anymore. No, I hate that.
But I know too, you're my biggest weakness. When you knelt down before me, holding me tight, with those dear eyes that I've always miss, I can't help it. And when you were willing to plead to have me back into your arms, I know it was from the bottom of your heart. At least, that's what I thought.
Like I said, I do love you. I do care about you. But unfortunately the spark, the butterflies; they're no longer in my heart. I don't feel the goosebumps when you touch me, I don't feel the rolling thunder to my fingertips when we kiss, it's not there. No more electric jolts. Not the way it used to be.
Frankly. I'm afraid. Of many things.
What if I can't love you like before?
What if you leave?
What if we change our minds?
What if we fight and hurt each other again?
What if? What if?
Because God always tests us servants.
I need to feel safe. I need guarantee that you won't break my heart again. I need to know that the same old drama won't repeat.
How to build our relation again?
How will you make me trust you again?
How to get closer to God?
How to keep this relation safe from influences out there?
How to love each other more as time goes?
How about our financial security?
I have so many questions. I hope you have the answers.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Kites
Aku suka ini movie. Barbara Mori memang terbaik. Aku jatuh cinta lagi kat mata hijau milik Hrithik. Senyum dia. Hidung dia. Jari2 dia. Aku terbuai2 dengan movie ni. Setiap kali tengok, mesti aku macam terapung2, tak rasa katil Queen size aku tu.
Walaupun aku tak suka ending dia, tapi the very sad ending were made so beautifully, aku yang rasa bahagia. Memang, pedih bila tau orang yang kita sayang sangat2 sacrifice untuk selamatkan kita. Tapi aku respect Encik Director movie ni. Suntingan dia terbaik!
Walaupun aku tak suka ending dia, tapi the very sad ending were made so beautifully, aku yang rasa bahagia. Memang, pedih bila tau orang yang kita sayang sangat2 sacrifice untuk selamatkan kita. Tapi aku respect Encik Director movie ni. Suntingan dia terbaik!
Kau. Lelaki.
Aku mau kau jadi lelaki yang hormatkan perempuan.
Hormat bukan bermaksud kau sujud di kaki perempuan. Bukan kau turutkan segala kemahuan.
Hormat maksudnya kau tak lukakan hati dia, kau tak buat dia menangis.
Dia tak mintak banyak, cuma jaga hati dia supaya kekal satu, tak berderai.
Jadilah lelaki yang lebih baik. Yang hormatkan perempuan, yang hargai perempuan. Kau tau kenapa perempuan dibuat dari rusuk lelaki yang paling bengkok?
Untuk kau belai, untuk kau didik, untuk kau sayang.
Bukan untuk kau patahkan, semata2 sebab kau mau rusuk yang bengkok tu jadi lurus.
Bukan untuk kau rendah2kan martabat dia.
Perempuan tempat dia bukan kat kaki, untuk kau pijak. Bukan jugak kat atas kepala, untuk kau junjung. Tapi perempuan dicipta untuk berjalan sebelah kau.
Support kau.
Ingatkan kau.
Jaga kau.
Kongsi masalah kau.
Dengar rintihan kau.
Pulih semangat kau.
Tapi, kau. Lelaki. Kau mengaku kau kuat, kau mengaku kau hebat.
Bangga kau melangit.
Ego kau sebesar lautan.
Kau buat perempuan macam pipit.
Jangan kau lupa, kau cuma hamba. Butir pasir sebelah yang Esa.
Kalau aku kat tempat kau, aku malu jadi lelaki.
Lelaki.
Khalifah.
Aku tak nampak tokoh untuk kau jadi khalifah, apa lagi untuk kau nakhoda sebuah kapal.
Perkahwinan.
Kau belum cukup ilmu dalam dada untuk itu semua.
Kau mentah sebagai lelaki.
Kau mau jadi lelaki? Belajar.
Sekarang?
Kau gagal sebagai lelaki. Kau dayus.
Hormat bukan bermaksud kau sujud di kaki perempuan. Bukan kau turutkan segala kemahuan.
Hormat maksudnya kau tak lukakan hati dia, kau tak buat dia menangis.
Dia tak mintak banyak, cuma jaga hati dia supaya kekal satu, tak berderai.
Jadilah lelaki yang lebih baik. Yang hormatkan perempuan, yang hargai perempuan. Kau tau kenapa perempuan dibuat dari rusuk lelaki yang paling bengkok?
Untuk kau belai, untuk kau didik, untuk kau sayang.
Bukan untuk kau patahkan, semata2 sebab kau mau rusuk yang bengkok tu jadi lurus.
Bukan untuk kau rendah2kan martabat dia.
Perempuan tempat dia bukan kat kaki, untuk kau pijak. Bukan jugak kat atas kepala, untuk kau junjung. Tapi perempuan dicipta untuk berjalan sebelah kau.
Support kau.
Ingatkan kau.
Jaga kau.
Kongsi masalah kau.
Dengar rintihan kau.
Pulih semangat kau.
Tapi, kau. Lelaki. Kau mengaku kau kuat, kau mengaku kau hebat.
Bangga kau melangit.
Ego kau sebesar lautan.
Kau buat perempuan macam pipit.
Jangan kau lupa, kau cuma hamba. Butir pasir sebelah yang Esa.
Kalau aku kat tempat kau, aku malu jadi lelaki.
Lelaki.
Khalifah.
Aku tak nampak tokoh untuk kau jadi khalifah, apa lagi untuk kau nakhoda sebuah kapal.
Perkahwinan.
Kau belum cukup ilmu dalam dada untuk itu semua.
Kau mentah sebagai lelaki.
Kau mau jadi lelaki? Belajar.
Sekarang?
Kau gagal sebagai lelaki. Kau dayus.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Untuk Aku Lupa
Aku tanam dalam hati untuk lupakan kamu. Aku tau silapnya aku. Aku kau takkan pernah mahu maafkan lagi aku. Tapi walau hati bercalar seribu, aku masih mau. Tapi apalah ada dayaku. Aku hanya mampu berlalu.
Sebab bila aku datang untuk cuba lagi, kau bukan terima tapi kau tolak aku bagai manusia tak punya harga.
Aku kecewa, sebab pernah kutanya pada kamu dulu; aku atau egomu. Kata kau, aku jadi pilihan.
Tapi, malam itu kau pilih egomu. Kau pilih temanmu. Kata kau, aku tak punya tempat dalam keutamaanmu. Aku tau, kau tau, aku luka mendengarkan itu.
Sekarang, saban hari aku berdepan kamu. Setiap kali itu jantung aku bergendang laju. Bayangmu buat aku tak menentu. Pandanganmu aku tak bisa temu.
Tak dapat kutelah apa dihatimu. Apakah kau rindu? Apakah kau benci melihatkan aku? Apakah kau ingin aku dalam dakapanmu? Aku tak tahu.
Aku. Aku rindu.
Sungguh, aku ingin cuba lagi. Baiki setiap kekurangan dalam jalinan hubungan kita. Tapi untuk apa, andai kau menolak. Aku tak mampu buat apa2. Bila kau tak mau, aku hanya mampu berundur. Hanya mampu kucumbu bayangmu dalam hati rindu.
Aku tak punya cara untuk melupaimu.
Sebab bila aku datang untuk cuba lagi, kau bukan terima tapi kau tolak aku bagai manusia tak punya harga.
Aku kecewa, sebab pernah kutanya pada kamu dulu; aku atau egomu. Kata kau, aku jadi pilihan.
Tapi, malam itu kau pilih egomu. Kau pilih temanmu. Kata kau, aku tak punya tempat dalam keutamaanmu. Aku tau, kau tau, aku luka mendengarkan itu.
Sekarang, saban hari aku berdepan kamu. Setiap kali itu jantung aku bergendang laju. Bayangmu buat aku tak menentu. Pandanganmu aku tak bisa temu.
Tak dapat kutelah apa dihatimu. Apakah kau rindu? Apakah kau benci melihatkan aku? Apakah kau ingin aku dalam dakapanmu? Aku tak tahu.
Aku. Aku rindu.
Sungguh, aku ingin cuba lagi. Baiki setiap kekurangan dalam jalinan hubungan kita. Tapi untuk apa, andai kau menolak. Aku tak mampu buat apa2. Bila kau tak mau, aku hanya mampu berundur. Hanya mampu kucumbu bayangmu dalam hati rindu.
Aku tak punya cara untuk melupaimu.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Be
Don't say bad things about yourself.
You can always be a better person.
If you want to be.
Ingat, lelaki.
Tangan yang kuat, kau guna untuk belai.
Bukan pukul.
Badan yang sasa, depang untuk kau lindung.
Bukan tindas.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Aku Ngerti Rasamu. Maafkan Aku.
Aku tau kau marahkan perbuatanku.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.
Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.
Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.
Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Aku Faham
Bila aku mau kau buat pilihan, kau pilih dia.
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.
Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.
Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.
Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.
*marah*
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Biar Aku Sendiri
Kau marah, aku tinggalkan kau. Kau tau KENAPA aku tinggalkan kau? Kau ada fikir?
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.
Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?
Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?
Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?
Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?
Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?
Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!
Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!
Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!
Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!
Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?
Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.
Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.
Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.
Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.
Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.
Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.
Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.
Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.
Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.
Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?
Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life Goes On
When I saw you the other day, I couldn't help it. I felt a huge rush of blood running to my face. My hands trembled uncontrollably. My temperature rose, and I felt like as if my heart was about to explode. I couldn't walk straight, and I looked down so I don't get hurt by seeing you. I felt my whole body vibrate, because I know I'm longing for your touch. Your big hug.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Heh.
My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.
I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.
I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.
But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.
I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.
If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.
Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?
I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.
There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.
Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.
Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.
Don't bother, I'll be fine.
I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I Tried. I Failed.
I once told you, I don't just want to live with you. I want to go to the Paradise with you.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.
People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.
And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.
For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.
I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.
I know.
I failed.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Invizibel Line
8.25am., KL Sentral. I sit next to a white man, and I ask him, is it OK if I smoke? He said doesn't mind. We talked about general stuff, and suddenly I remembered what you told me when we started getting close back then.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.
I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.
You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.
Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?
I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.
Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?
Tell me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
If You...
If you only knew, whatever that I've scolded you before was my effort to make you better.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.
If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.
If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.
If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.
If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..
If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.
If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.
If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.
If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.
If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.
Alas, if only you ever knew.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Me, or Her?
After all that we've been through together, after everything that we've done and shared together, you put a friend whom you knew for a few months over me?
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?
After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?
After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?
Where is your conscience?
You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.
I never lost you. You lost me.
It's never my loss. It's your loss.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Time Bomb
Since I never really did confront you on this matter, if you read this, please read it through. This is my confrontation, and so are the previous two entries.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
***
As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?
She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.
She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.
She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.
She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.
Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?
Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.
Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.
Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.
You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?
You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...
Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.
I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.
Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.
You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.
I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.
And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.
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