When It's All About ...

Tak boleh kalau tak burukkan dia..


Wtf?? Awak nak bela lagi dia? Tak boleh blah! Awak pun tahu, dah memang perangai dia buruk, cerita2 buruk je la yang awak dengar pasal dia! Awak nak bela dia sangat, sayang dia sangat, awak pergilah kat dia! Pergilah tatang dia! Saya dah naik muak dengan perangai awak yang selalu nak membela dia. Saya bukannya tipu awak, reka cerita pasal dia sebab nak buat awak bencikan dia, saya cuma bagitau awak apa yang saya dengar, saya bagitau awak apa yang betul. Salah ke saya cakap benda yang betul? Seriously, saya tak ada niat apa pun!

Saya rasa apa yang saya dengar dengan apa yang awak dengar lebih kurang je, tentang dia, apa yang dia buat, macam mana perangai dia, life dia macam mana. Come on lah, dia kawan baik saya kot dulu! Segala rahsia dia semua saya tau lah! All her little black secrets! Awak tu yang buta! Sebab tu awak macam tak dapat nak terima, walaupun segala apa yang awak dengar tu benda yang betul! Saya rasa awak sendiri pun tau macam mana perangai dia.

Tapi, the point is here, saya bagitau awak the truth! Saya tak reka cerita! Kalau awak tak boleh terima, then just go back and bear with her! Biar awak sendiri rasa! Saya malas nak kisah! Saya dah bagi awak segala yang saya mampu bagi kat awak, takkan itu tak cukup untuk awak? Masih lagi nak simpan dia, kononnya kenangan lah, apa lah. Awak ingat dia ada fikir nak simpan semua kenangan masa dia dengan awak? I don't think so! Dia sibuk dengan boyfriend baru dia, awak sibuk nak simpan kenangan awak masa awak dengan dia. Kenangan, my foot!!

Permintaan saya sikit je awak, itupun awak cakap saya melampau, selfish! Apa ni? Saya kecik hati tak habis2 bila saya tengok gambar masa zaman2 awak happy dengan dia yang awak simpan sampai sekarang, awak tak ada amik peduli pun! Saya tak suka! Kalau ya pun awak nak simpan, simpan la kat tempat lain, tak payah la letak depan mata saya. Awak sendiri tau hati saya macam mana..

Hollow

When we talked last night, I got a feeling that you will never love me like you loved her. Don't even start with me asking for you to love me more than you loved her. When you tripped over this issue, I somehow feel that she'll always be there, over me. What the hell?

I guess I'm being too gentle with you, that somehow, I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

In case you don't know about it, yes, I went through your status threads, your photo albums in your facebook account, and I've seen those pictures of her on the PC as well as your phone. You still call her baby in your contact! (forgive me, but I am very detail). And it breaks my heart knowing that you still keep her in you. I understand, it's not easy for you to let her go. But if so, what am I doing here? Shouldn't you be forgetting her first then be with me, rather than be with me while forgetting her? That's not fair! When I had you before, I let them go. All my previous partners, I buried them! But you, I don't know, something inside tells me that you still think of her, all about her. No matter what you tell me, I know. I just know.

You don't have to justify the situation and give me reasons why you would never take her back. You can give me millions of reasons, but deep inside, I know you're missing her. How much? That I don't know. I can just hope that you don't do that while you're with me. Gee, if only I can break this curse, I don't have to live like this! Living in guilt and knowing it's eating me day by day.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm the one who isn't over the issue. But tell me, how the hell am I supposed to get over it when I can find her at everywhere? Online, in your phone, even in our room! She is everywhere in our life, in my life! With you! Now, can you imagine just how I feel every time I bump into her stuff? I'm crashed! My heart sinks, my mood spoiled, and the feelings just fly away! And I will have to pretend that I'm OK when you're home, while I actually am hurting inside!

Can you even imagine how I feel when yesterday, I found her stuff in our room? And when it never fails to break me when My baby Muk is still in your phone? She'll always be your baby! Me? A company only, for you, perhaps. (I don't mean to be harsh, but this is just what I feel!)  Because I know I will never be one. Do you deeply love me? Seriously, I can't tell. Do you?

I know, what I'm asking from you is a little too much. Just putting our names together on Facebook is huge, I understand. And all the things you do to prove how much you love me - how you treat me and so on, I can feel that you love me. But something is missing here, I don't know what. I've been searching for the hole, but I can't seem to find it. Though I do love you, but somehow, at the same time, I feel so hollow. So empty. And it's killing me! I don't want to lie, I don't want to hurt you. But this glitch is eating me little by little. And I don't know how to get over it.

Perhaps you're right, I'm the one who hasn't gotten over the past. Why? Because of the fact that I got together with my best friend's ex! That's why! Nobody would ever do that! And if I haven't get over the past, and her, what am I supposed to do? I don't know, what should I do? I tried before, and when i almost succeeded, comes her picture that reminds me how happy you were with her and I ruined all of it! Every finger points at me! I can ignore the thoughts, but until when? Sooner or later I will have to face my demons, get it all done and make it clear! I don't want to live in shadows of guilt for the rest of my life, I want a true peace of mind. And I'm struggling to have one!

Yes, I know you feel that I'm asking too much from you, but who else can I turn to, in this issue, if not you? There was a time when I can't stop thinking of her every time I look at you, and how I wanted for both of you to get together again. But I realise that it will never happen. Why do I want you to be with her again? Because I know you guys love each other! I'm just the third party. I can't believe I'll fall into this trouble when this is what I avoided all my life before I met her and you guys. At some point, I feel like I want to make everything right, although I know it's too late for that. And I can't arrange someone else's life. I know that.

But I still feel guilty!

I think the day you have only me in you and the very day you really forget her is the day I'm waiting for. That day, I guess I'll be satisfied having you by my side. Till then, there is a hole, and it will remain there.

And by the way, I do, love you.

WTF??

Can I name our daughter after Farah? That question stunned me. Aku terkedu. Kenapa? Kenapa mesti ada jugak Farah? Aku ingat dia dah betul2 get over her. Tapi soalan dia buat aku rasa yang dia tak akan lupakan ex dia. Bila dia kata macam tu, aku terfikir yang aku takkan dapat tempat dalam hati dia and I was like, excuse me! Don't I deserve a little dignity here? A little respect please! Bersusah payah aku tatang dia, Farah jugak yang dia nak. I think I have every right to be selfish here!

Nak sangat kat Farah? Ha, pergilah! Ada aku kesah?? Fuck it!

Banyak lagi lelaki kat luar sana yang boleh jaga aku lebih baik dari dia. Silaplah kalau dia fikir aku dia boleh buat sesuka hati macam dulu. Aku bukan barang mainan yang dia boleh simpan buang. Bila teringat, ambik. Bila tak nak, lempar jauh2. Ingat aku tak ada harga diri ke?

Bencilah!

Weaving A Tangled Web

It ended on Mar 8th, and I kept it in my head that I wanted to be alone after that.

And now, I'm not sure whether it's certain or not, we're back together. He starts treating me nice, calling me the name he used to call me with (I think he knows I always love that name. hihi), and he seems to care about me. I know, he does that because he's lonely after she refused him and that I'm around. And I was there when he needs somebody. He starts talking about future again, caress me again, being sweet to me again, and making me feel what I felt 4 months ago (argh!).

But I can't possibly feel the same. Nah, I don't think so.

I'm torn between two; staying or leaving. The past haunts me (every day), and I'm afraid. I don't want it to be the same, it only lasted for a while and the rest is fucked up. I can't really tell whether he does really love me or I'm just a shoulder to cry on, and when the sorrow is over, he stands up to find another woman And I'll beat the crap outta him!). I can't risk my heart to be broken again when he had already broken it so badly before. The reason I stayed and mend him while he's hurt is that I do really care about him (yes, I know he wasn't nice to me before). Though we weren't together, and I didn't plan to get back together, I'll help him to get what he needs and get him back onto his feet.Call me dumb, but that's just what I'll do if he needs it. Even if I know that the chances for me to have his heart wholly is very thin.
But if he says he wants to get back together with me, he better prove himself to me. Don't make me feel like he loves me when he genuinely doesn't (then I will seriously look like a dumb ass).

Why?

Because I've had enough of his lies. He lied to me before (and I didn't like it). In fact, I hated it. Because what I had for him was genuine and honest, but he tore it apart.

What am I doing? Staying with him and making him happy when I don't understand how I feel myself? Am I taking chances? Do I really want to take this risk? Honestly, no. But I can't help it. When I look at him, I just couldn't help it. And yes, the old flame is still there, though not fiery as before, I guess it's enough. He needs someone to soothe him, and though I'm not the one, I try my best to lift him up to the way he was. I don't know, but when I said I don't feel the same to him,I think I hurt him. Or maybe he doesn't give a damn about it. But as for me, I know I'm giving him a second chance. But I don't give him all of me because I know I'm not the one he wants in his heart in the first place.That insecurity still lingers. I don't really know why, perhaps because I'm not pretty enough for him, as she is pretty. And that I'm just another ordinary girl, nothing next to stylish and confident her. She dresses well, always with a pair of nice clothes on her. She carries herself well, and always a centre of attraction. Me? I'm just a plain Jane.


I don't know. Perhaps.

I know he longs for her. If ever he gets her, I will never be in his mind. Assumption? I guess I know so ( I do! she will always be the one!). And his behavior of trying out every chick he can lay his eyes on and getting them (yes, you do Darling). That two things stop me. Every time I look at him, she comes into my head, and how he betrayed he for me and then  made me feel like a schmuck for getting back to her after only three months! Three months! I guess that thought has planted in my brain - that I can never be the one. In case she wants him back, it's a definite certainty he'll be with her. Definitely! I'm just a second choice. In a cruel phrase, a back-up. A Plan-B. A whatever-you-wanna-call-it as long as it's number two.

Because whatever that he's told me before and how cruel he was to me, I still keep it in my mind (yes, I forgive, but I don't forget). How he treated me wrong and so forth. I'm not holding grudge, but I'm just being cautious. It's not easy to take him back when I'm scared of the possibility he will get back to his Playboy style when he's done grieving for losing her. And there might be texts i don't like to read when I found out, and another girl calling me telling stories I don't want to hear. And me? What's left for me? Nothing. Just crying and living my life in disappointment and agony. That's how the story ends.

What's more in the picture? The matter of trust. How can I ever trust him again when he had betrayed me before? Whatever that's around are pieces of it (and I don't want to betrayed twice!). No solid trust for him. All the things that I did to him before, those things that did to prove to him of how much I loved him and how much I cared for him, and how much I wanted to make him happy. But he unfortunately, didn't see that. Unless he can prove to me that he can be faithful, I can't stay with him. Even if I can, it won't be long.

And then comes issue of religion. Me, I want to be a good Muslim, and fulfill my responsibilities as one (poyo je). Though not now, perhaps later on when I have already got a strong ground and knowledge. But him? I don't know. Doesn't he want to be a good Muslim? Later on, I want to get married to someone I love, someone who can guide me to the straight path and together with my spouse, I really want to lead a life with God on the line. Though now I can't call myself a real Muslim, I want to be one. And if God wills it, I want him to be one too, so that if we get together, we'll enjoy living under God's bliss. How great will it be if both of us can live lives according to our religion. But when it comes to this matter, he always disappoints me.

Just like the things I told him on our break-up night, I don't ask for anything. I just want his heart and that he can be transparent-honest to me. I don't like secrets and bad surprises. The rest, we work it out together.

<3 If you ever read this, that's just how I feel. I'm sorry if you feel offended but I don't have the strength to spill all this to you directly.

Father's Day

The day comes again, Father's Day. Everyone's feeling it. Everybody's celebraring the day with their fathers and make the day blissful.

Except me.

When I look at my Facebook homepage and seeing all the wishes activities going on, suddenly I feel so alone. So very alone as if I don't have anybody around. As if I'm in the dark. And at this moment, I just wish that there is someone beside me who I can call Father and I could look into his eyes, hold his hands tight and say; Happy Father's Day, Baba.

Paraíso

Perhentian Island. What a paradise.

It all started when Fae called me after his holidays in Perhentian last week. Listening to his experience there made me want to go there - enthusisatically! So I called a friend and  ask him whether him and another friend are free to come with me to Perhentian and only one of them can make it.  So the journey began from Terminal Putra at 10am on Monday morning, all the way to Kuala Terengganu. Bus riding that lasted for 7 hours! Then I took another bus from there to Kuala Besut jetty for a speed boat ride to the island. Too bad, I was late. Had to spend a night at the jetty. Damn cold!

Met a friend who lives in Setiu and hung out until approx. 4am in the morn, and we talked about things and shared music from our devices. And we were halted by a roadblock where the police officer thought my friends were smuggling me from Thai! I didn't bring my ID along, and he thought I was I Siamese gal! Haha!

The next morning, we (my friend and I) took a speed boat at 9am and boy, was it heaven to catch a sight of the picturesque island. A sigh of relief and satisfaction enveloped both me and my friend. I'v never been to an island as beautiful as this. Tioman? Yes, Tioman wasa beautiful. But this is even better! We sat on the beach, enjoying the beauty of God's creation. Masya-Allah! So beautiful!

Unfortunately, we spent only one night at the beach - Pasir Panjang a.k.a Long Beach. Felt so bad I had to leave the beautiful beach and the blue transparent water and head back to KL. As if I want to stay there and be a beach girl! Haha.

We took a bus from Kuala Besut jetty at 9am the next day and arrive KL at 6pm. Off to work at 8pm! Later at night, I was totally flat. But Perhentian, wait for me, I will coming again soon!

Lone Ranger

Been a month now. And I'm enjoying every second of single life. Though sometimes I feel the loneliness of not having someone who I can share everything, not having one sometimes makes it better. I don't have to cling on someone and talk about everything. I just learn to keep it to myself and solve my own problems myself.

The tests of being single? Loads. Good guys, bad guys, ugly, cute, good looking, young, old; are trying their luck with me. Now that they know I'm not attached to anybody. I get to float quite a number of times. Hehe. I watch every single one of them trying to get my attention - directly, subtly, obviously and some in a very sweet manner. And me watching and enjoying the liberty of being single.

There's this guy, he admits he falls for me after 3 meetings! Unimaginable? For me too, but that's what happened. Katanya, he wants to grow old with me. Then he said he's not trying out to get me, but he likes me. He wants to be my friend forever, and that he started loving me even after a short period of time. He wants to make me happy lah, apa lah. I was like, what the hell? It's only been three days, man! Come on, Things don't happen just like that! You need to be sure of what you're doing. Bukan main langgar je sesuka hati. It  might backfires on you.

Me? I can't take him. Why? One; his thinking doesn't fit mine. Two; he's totally not my type. Three; I'm not looking for another trouble now, lest I get together with him - then I change my mind, we botoh will end up being alone and hurt. I don't want to be hurt again, and I surelyl don't want to hurt another person. So I chose to stick to being friends, which makes  me in an uncomfortable zone when I see him trying his best to get my attention and shower mem with his.

Too bad, I'm not really into relationships now. Hope he understands.

Living

Dah lama tak menulis. Life, macam2 yang jadi kat aku. From the best to the worst, I've got to face it. The best is that I finally get some gumption to realize that men are jerks. Though not all of them are, most of them do suck. From the intelligent ones to those uneducated and narrow-minded. I know that the way people think and speak sometimes annoy me. Especially those who don't think and assume a lot.

Sigh.

After the break-up, I get stories about me being a bad person and simply a  bitch. Where did it come from? My ex-partner. Otak aku tak dapat hadam perangai orang yang bawak mulut and tell stories (which are not true) after a break-up in order to attain others' attention and sympathy. Kononnya they are the victims. WTF? When you're done with someone, just let them go, why the hell would you keep them hanging around you for the sake of you want them to wait for you in case you can't make it with another party? It's like you are using them for your own good and their loss.

Aku tak faham. Seriously, aku tak faham. And when I got back to a used-to-be friend and apologize, not that she forgives me, she even threaten to beat me up because she thinks I stole her ex, or I made him her for me, so to speak. She had him again, then what is the purpose for her to hold grudge? In my view, she should be thankful to me that I helped her to break away from all the sorrow and pain she had when she was with him.

But she didn't see that. What a pity.

I wish she'd realise that her Love is nothing but a pathetic person.

Untuk Kamu

Kamu.
Satu ketika tak pernah ingin
Bukan di damba sang hati
Tak tumpah kasih secangkir;
Bukan kamu.

Tapi cerita singkat berlalu
Dari jauh menyapa syahdu
Minggir tepi aku tak mau
Bimbang ada jiwa disembilu

Pejam mata erat
Agar bisa hati melihat
Bukan rupa jadi pengikat
Dasar kalbu yang memikat

Belum sempa tmenerpa angkasa
Kilat hujung belati menjerumus
Bagai pedang menghiris halus
Menghancur luluh itu kamu.

Left, Abandoned, and All the Things Related.

Last night,
You held me tight and you said you really love me. You said you're going to be sleeping alone in our room and you find the room creepy without me. You said you're going to miss me, my hugs, my scent, my presence. You said you can't give our relation another try because you still have your old flame in your heart that you can't seem to forget. You said I was pushy, I nag at you, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm egoistic. You said, although you do love me, you still want to withdraw from giving us another try to work on this relation.

When I asked you, am I not good enough for you, am I not better than her? You said I am way better than her. But when I asked why do you still want to leave, you said you can't go on with me anymore. When I asked you, why did you think I agreed to be with you? You came before me and held my hands, weave them together with yours, looked at my face and wondered. You did ask why - and I said, I want to make you happy. You were too busy making other people happy that you forget your own happiness. I was around just to make you happy as others don't. You looked at me, with surprised look and you kissed my hand saying thank you for the things that I did.

When I told you about her, what she did to you and what I did to you, I think I know that you know I did better. You know, she was not a good partner for you. But still, you want to return to her. For whatever reason, I don't know.

When I asked you, what did I demand from you? Do I ask for your money? You said no. Then you asked me, what do I want from you? Simple, I just wanted you to be honest with me. But you can't do that.

Last night, it was 8th, our third month anniversary. But on our third month anniversary, you end it and put the deepest hole in my heart. You said you feel like we've been together for so long when it was just three months. I wanted to bring you to the bridge where we shared our first kiss, but on that day you made me feel like a cheap whore.

You said, what you did that day and all the mean things you did to me - you didn't really mean those. You did that because you want to make me hate you. I looked at you, and I said; I never hated any of my exes. And that goes to you too. You just looked at me, speechless. I can never hate you. I know that. I can just put aside my feelings towards you until it eventually fade away. No matter what you do, I'm never going to hate you, in any way.

When we had had our last hand shake and you kissed me, the spark was still there, and I told you, every time you hold me in your arms, I always had that same spark - every single time. We kissed, and I know how much you long to be in my arms. But your ego wins over everything. I cried, even I know it makes me look weak. I want you to know that you are the only person I have in my heart. I told you, I took the risks of losing you when we were an item. I was well aware of the risks but boy, did I ignore it. I tried everything I could to make you happy, to make our relation work. I told you, I've had enough of relationships.

I wanted you to be the last, I don't want any other relationship anymore. I'm sick of trying and trying to work on fresh relationships. I just want to end up with you. I give every effort to please you, to make you comfortable, to ensure that you are happy being with me, but along the tears that are running down my cheeks I said to you; I still lost you. No matter how I tried, I strive, I still lose you. Upon hearing that, you pulled me close to your chest and tried to soothe me. I felt loved, but I know it's empty. Because I know, you were just trying to soothe me and there's nothing more.

You once said, I have my own card that you named me after. And you said no star can shine with a broken heart. You said too, that no matter how mean and bad I was, I still tickle your heart and make you laugh.

I said, if there is still love in us, why can't we give it another try? When I said I'm willing to do anything, I meant it. I will do anything to save this relation from falling apart. Then you said you need some space to think about it over. I told you I can understand that but last night, I can't let you go. I want to be with you, even in the car and it was dawning. I wanted to spend every second I have just to be with you, in your arms and make you smile.

But I realize now, that you are just a phase in my life. You are just another bus that I missed on my journey to happiness.

Harapan Hati

Nyata waras akal tidak dapat tembus
Tebalnya dinding emosi
Biar hati luka, biar jiwa lara
Asal saja dapat kulihat didepan mata
Dapat ku rasa dalam hati
Dapat ku gapai dengan kedua tangan
Kan ku dakap rapat terus ke dada, hati, jiwa & raga
Hanya kata maaf yang mampu diberi
Namun tidak berani ku menabur janji
Kerna diri tidak begitu pasti; akan ketentuan
Mampukah diri jika berjanji?
Namun diri tahu sesungguhnya akan dibukti
Akan diberi padamu segala apa
Ada dalam diri dalam hati;
Setiap titis merahnya darah
Moga dapat kau mengerti
Harga cinta, kasih dan harga diri
Tak mampu ternilaikan wang ringgit
Bila segala apa di dunia tanpa erti kecuali kamu
Beri segala apa jua yg diingin
Disalut - biar bukan emas, bukan berlian
Tapi erti cinta
Ku persembahkan sebenar-benarnya
Tulus sekeping hati menyayangi
Menghargai setiap episod dan memori; setiap inci diri kamu

Maafkan aku.

If You Love Someone Dearly

Tell me..
If you love someone,
would you lie to them?
If you treasure someone,
would you dare to hurt them?

If you love someone,
would you keep secrets from them?
If you appreciate someone,
would you make them cry?

If you love someone,
would you betray them?
If you care about someone,
would you keep them away from yourself?

If you love someone,
would you run from them?
If you love someone,
would you break them?

If you love someone,
why won't you be faithful?
If you love someone,
why would cheat on them?

If you love someone,
why can't you leave all the pleasures that lure you into infidelity?

If you love someone...

Trust Issue Lagi..

I don't trust him. Aku tak tau kenapa, macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, tapi aku susah nak percaya kata2 dia. Buat la apa pun, aku tetap dah tak boleh nak percaya dia. Buat2 percaya je. To think about this, what's the point of staying with him if I don't even trust him? Haha. Soalan cepumas. Aku tengok dia, aku jadi tak sampai hati. Seriously tak sampai hati. Yes, aku tau aku sayang dia. Memang aku sayang dia. Tapi untuk letakkan 100% trust kat dia, no. Never. Aku takkan ulangi silap yang aku buat dulu. Percaya punya percaya, hidup2 aku kena tipu. Memang terbaik lah.

Bila aku tengok dia, aku tau, there's a lot of things that he keeps to himself. All the pain, offences, sacrifices that he actually doesn't have to do to others, aku nampak semua tu. He tries to fulfill everyone's wish and needs, tak kira macam mana pun dia tetap akan cuba penuhi kalo ada orang/kawan yang mintak tolong dia. Itu salah satu persamaan aku dengan dia. (dia yang notice dulu, aku setuju je) Aku tak nak dia bersusah sangat untuk orang lain, bila orang tak appreciate jasa dia. Aku nak tatang dia, nak jaga, treat him right, make him feel comfortable when he's with me. And that aku nak dia sayang aku for who I am. Bukan sebab duit ke, rupa ke apa ke - kalo sebab rupa, tua nanti huduh jugak aku nanti. Dah huduh, dia nak pergi cari yang muda2 pulak? Macam tu? Aih..

Kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, dari segi apa pun, ciri dia memang tak kena dengan aku. Memang totally bukan taste aku. Aku pun reti pilih rupa jugak, bukan main cekup je sapa2 pun. Tak lawa anak2 aku nanti. Haha. Let's see, slanted eyes, bukan taste aku. Aku minat mata bundar/deep eyes. Badan besar, bukan taste aku. Aku suka yang sedang2 je. Kalo muscular tu kira bonus lah. Hihi. Tinggi gila untuk aku, jenuh aku nak sesuaikan diri dengan dia. Tinggi sangat! Aku 160cm. Cari yang dalam 175cm ke, OK lah. Lepas tu, rambut panjang. Memang la aku tak minat, biar rambut tu pendek, nampak kemas. Aku suka+selesa. Dah tu, temper tak ingat. Aku ni lembut, so aku kalo boleh tak nak la lelaki yang jenis kasar/panas baran. Aku cari stok2 yang gentle, tak kasar, suara tak macam petir kat langit nu.

Lagi satu, kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, memang la aku tak ber-partner dengan dia. Sebab? Dia tu ex kawan aku! Mana la aku boleh nak sapu bekas kawan aku (even aku dah buat pun). Rasa bersalah sampai bila2 kot. Dari mula lagi, aku memang tak nak dia. Not him, I wanted the other guy. He fits my type. Mostly. I didn't like him, I wanted to stay away from him. I didn't want to be a backstabber. But he kept chasing over me. Willing to do anything, buy me anything, drive me everywhere. He showed effort. And I'm touched.

Seriously if people ask me how did I end up with him? I'll just tell them it's fate. Ya, fate. I didn't want him in the first place. He craved for me. He always found ways to see me, to hang out with me etc. And when the relationship became so tensed, I gave in; gambled - thinking that this man could be the one for me. This man could give me everything I need. Gila macam mana aku justify perasaan aku, aku manipulate hati aku untuk terima dia and forget the other guy. Guilt is everywhere at first - felt like I'm lying to him about my feelings when I told him I'm falling for him but actually I haven't. I still had feelings for the other guy. Payah sungguh!

I justified everything, manipulated every single teeny weeny feelings so that I can actually really see him as who he is - the Love, attention, affection. How he chased me, how I tried running away, how he seemed so enthusiastic in making me his girl - take a good care of me, tried to give me everything I need, felt like I was a princess then. But, yeah, eventually I melted. After trying hard manipulating myself into loving him, I do now, Love him.

But there's a problem.

I don't trust him! No matter what he does, I can't put total trust on him anymore. He'll have to really prove himself to me, what he's worth of. After what he did to me - all those lies and so on, he'll need to prove that he's the Man! Or else, what will be? Guess we'll just part ways..

Trust..

Baru2 ni aku encountered lie from someone dear. He keeps secrets from me - perhaps sebab dia tak nak lukakan hati aku, or perhaps he simply doesn't want to tell me. Dia keluar, bawak balik ada la sorang minah ni and aku tak tau, and when I get to know about this aku call minah tu suruh dia jangan kacau2 partner aku lagi. Puas tu memang la puas hati, tapi ada lagi satu masalah when it comes to him: I can't trust him anymore, tak boleh. Dia pun sama. Dulu aku boleh pegang phone dia, sekarang dah tukar keypad password - maknanya dia tak percaya aku not checking out his phone data.

While aku, dah pernah kena sekali macam ni where my ex suddenly changed his keypad password, aku lagilah tambah susah nak percaya dia. Aku fikir dan fikir; patut tak aku stay dalam relationship ni lagi or just blah. He's almost perfect (at least to me).. Memang dia bagi aku everything yang aku nak+perlu. Love, affection, less attention, boleh kata semua.. Tapi bila aku fikir rekod dia dengan bekas2 partner dia, aku jadi takut sangat nak letak seluruh kepercayaan kat dia. Aku sendiri tak tau kenapa. Maybe sebab dia dah tipu aku, even baru 2 bulan aku ber-partner dengan dia. Tapi kalau nak fikir positif pulak, dia bagi everything kat aku.. except - honesty. Pure honesty. Macam apa yang aku bagi kat dia. Tak pernah sekali pun aku tipu dia, nak pergi mana pun aku bagitau - sebelum atau selepas aktiviti aku yang dia tak ada terlibat.

Aku selalu fikir - why do people lie to their loved ones? kenapa? kalau nak jaga hati, bila eventually orang tu dapat tau jugak, won't things just get worse? Why can't you just tell the truth? It's not really a hard thing to do. People will feel better if you yourself tell the truth rather than dapat tau dari sumber lain.. Lagi hurt. Sakit wo.. Hati manusia bukan mainan, boleh sesuka hati je nak buat macam mana pun. Nak, ambik. Tak nak, tolak tepi. Apa erti ber-partner kalo tak boleh nak jujur+sincere? Ingat kapel2 ni main2 ke? Kalo niat kat hati tu nak main2, jangan gatal nak berkapel la. Skandal sudahh.. Takpun come clear that you don't want to be attached. Takdelah lukakan perasaan orang.

Bila dah declare partner, tu bukan makna nak commit ke? Kenapa ramai orang susah nak nampak yang hubungan bukan mainan? Hubungan bukan something that you can treat as pitstops. Relationships are serious, even as friends. Apatah lagi kalo ber-couple. Dah nama pun kekasih, tak kasih ke kat partner, sampai boleh tipu2? Kenapa kalau just nak berkawan tipu2? Just tell the truth la, if you want to be friends with anybody. Nobody would mind that. Everybody has friends (unless the partner is a jealous freak who wants to keep you under her blouse). There's nothing wrong about having friends, as long as you tell the truth. Tak ada sapa nak marah.

I've seen so many relationships that have lies in them, keeping secrets from partners, fiancees, spouses.. Kenapa mau tipu ha? Aku tak boleh hadam part ni. Otak aku jammed bila orang kata tipu sikit2 je, nak jaga hati.. White lies. You tell white lies during crucial moments that you know the truth will make your partner shrink with pain. You don't just sipmly tell white lies. Everybody knows that one lie leads to another and you'd have to create a whole new story to cover the truth. Kalau tak pandai buat cerita, tak lama kantoi lah.. Daripada kantoi, kan ke lebih baik kalo tak tipu dari awal2 lagi? Hidup senang, hati lapang, kepala pun tak pening nak jawab soalan2 untuk fix loose ends..

Aku tau, aku pun pernah menipu. Aku tipu and aku dah rasa macam mana keadaan bila kantoi. Kantoi bukan sikit2, kantoi best gila dengan mak aku. So, aku dah tak nak tipu sangat2 dah.. Tengok keadaan, bila rasa tipu takkan kantoi baru aku berani menipu. If not, just tell the truth. Simple. Bila rasa the truth boleh bagi kesan tak baik kat aku+life+family+future aku,baru aku menipu - in terms of tak jawab soalan2 cepumas yang orang2 tanya kat aku. Malulah kalo orang tau aku punya little black secret. Tapi itu aku tipu outsiders, bukan kat orang yang dekat dengan hati aku.

Thinking that a partner is not capable of telling the truth buat aku fikir, macam mana aku nak teruskan hidup - spend the rest of my life dengan the other half bila dia tak mau share dengan aku what he does everyday, who he meets, what happens etc. Susah untuk aku hidup dengan orang yang kuat berahsia, sebab aku bukan jenis macam tu. Whatever you feel, just feel free to express it. Happy, sad, frustrated, down - bukan time marah je baru nak express feeling. That's not fair, and the relationship will be nothing but a dull one. No laughs, no tears, no persuasion.. no nothing. Empty. Bila marah baru nampak ada sikit colours dalam relation. Takkanlah hari2 pun mau marah je.. haru biru relation kalo camtu.

Lies. Kenapa mesti tipu? Kenapa mesti simpan something tak bagi partner tau? Bila simpan2 rahsia kat diri sendiri - then you burst and the partner gets to know everything in a not so appropriate way. Dapat tau owh, dia tak suka aku macam ni, macam tu.. Takkan nak tunggu sampai macam tu sekali? That is not right. Talk, and when you talk, don't just talk bullshit - talk about good things, bad things, dissatisfaction, tell your partner what you want from them, and don't forget to ask what do they want from you. Relationships are supposed to be mutual - gives and takes, tolerance, trust, understanding each other. Kalo tak balance, kan namanya relation tu tak healthy? Serupa jugak dengan kawan2, mutualism. Imagine simple thing - drive kereta; kalo tak tekan minyak, kereta tak jalan, bila kereta tak jalan, kita tak sampai kat tempat yang kita nak pergi.. Sama jugak macam relationships. You need something and at the same time you need to give something as well.

Orang selalu kata, kalo you tak trust yor partner, might as well blah je. Tapi dalam kes aku, even aku tak percaya langsung kat dia, aku sibuk justify. Tell myself that it's just me being prepared if in case he cheats on me in the future. Tapi sampai bila aku nak macam ni? Sampai bila aku nak live in shadows? Aku sedar yang bila aku rasa unable to trust him when it comes to other women, aku taku sebenarnya. Aku taku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang lagi sebab perempuan lain. Otak aku memang boleh hadam kalo aku bukan jodoh dia, tapi aku rasa kalo lah jadi lagi dia curang dengan perempuan lain, maknanya 3x aku kena tipu, kena main, bf aku kena rampas or that he himself who wants to do that behind me, get entertainment from another woman. If that happens again, aku rasa aku tak terima lelaki dalam hidup aku dah kot (unless jodoh aku sampai). Takut, seriously takut.

Bila truth is replaced by lies, and when it all comes out - trust is not in the couple portrait anymore. The relationship will be shadowed by insecurity, suspicion, control etc. Sangatlah susah when you betray someone and they stick with you - there's no way you can earn their trust in say, a few days? No. You'll have to prove yourself. Show them that you can actually be trusted and that you won't ever lie again in the future. And, in order to do that, you'll need to answer each question honestly, report what you do to them, spend more quality time with them, show them you love+appreciate them. If you're lucky and you love that someone whom you never want to let go, they'll take you back. If not, you'll just prove yourself to another partner of yours.

Relationships are not simple. They require efforts, and those efforts we all make as partners will determine how the relationship will be - good, bad, serious, fun, loving, tensed, or just plain bland. Threats (of being dishonest, infidel) from the people around are just tests, to see for yourself whether or not you are a faithful partner. It's up to you to give in or wipe them off your shirt. If you treasure your relationship with your partner, avoid hurting her by telling lies (which she will find out sooner or later).

I read something from a book that says;

A liar isn't always a cheater, but a cheater is always a liar.

:cheers:

A Conversation, A Warning, Whatever You Wanna Call It.

There's this girl who has been bugging my Darl (I think it was her, not him) and doesn't seem to want to step back, even she knows he's attached. So I called her, tell her how she has to stay away from my boyfriend and leave him alone. Then I texted her further asking her to back down. Here goes..


Me:: Lia, I call U tadi. I'm his girlfriend, he's not with Farah anymore. I hope U faham kenapa I call U tadi, and I hope U tak besarkan hal ni kat office. I did that because I don't want just friends become another story. I really hope U faham pasal ni and keep this between us. I just don't want to lose him. Please..


Her:: Who are U actually? I'm not interested in making enemy. About Nazim, we're just friends. Don't worry. I'll keep my promise that i'll stay away from him. U take care gurl. Godbless


Me:: I'm his girlfriend. And he's been lying about his activities with U guys. As a woman, I think U could understand. Appreciate your consideration. Good day


Her:: Lying about his activities? What it supposes to mean? I didn't get it. But I don't blame U. Plus, i don't want to involve in this shit. I'm not a desperate bitch..


Me:: I know. But shit happens. I called U because I've talked to him about this, but nothing happened. I'm pretty much in the dark, everyone in S*G thinks he's still with Farah, only a few know he's with me now. And I can't afford to face another infidelity.


Her:: Sorry to say, i don't give a damn. We're just friends. U can have Nazim of yours back K. Please just stop disturbung me. I'm too old to involve in this 'lovey dovey' thing..


Me:: Give a damn or not, I'm just being cautious. U don't know him, and his capabilities. One thing I ask from U, please keep our conversation discreet and be ethical on being a friend. Thanks for understanding.


Her:: Anything U wish gurl. I think we should stop here. Stop calling and texting me. I don't want this shit spoil my good life. Enuf said. Bye.


Me:: Yah. Stop clinging on my boyfriend as well. U have a pleasant day.


Her:: I think U need psychology therapy badly. U outta control. U too have a good day. Take care of your boyfriend. Bye


Me:: Nope. I don't. Just looking after what's mine. U don't even know me. So quit judging. I asked for a simple thing. Leave him alone. Not a tough thing to do right? Cheers


Aannddd she didn't reply.


Why I did this? I'm really not sure why, but what I know is that I have to defend, take care, look after or whatever they wanna call it - of the thing, or the person that I treasure, that I love. I had enough real horror experience about guys cheating on me. And this guy, although I know he's got the word infidel in his love resume, I was keen to give it a try, lest I may change him into a better person. I can just try, give it my real effort, blood and sweat so he could realize how cheating is simply unacceptable under any circumstances in love. Not one.


Nevertheless, all I can do is try and hope he'd change. Pray The Almighty.


Then, the morning after those text replies, she text me again - asking who I really was. I've told her in the previous conversation but she didn't seem to get it. Quite a slow learner I'd say. So, here goes..

Her:: What are u trying to talk to me last night? You called me at 4.30am and if you’re not Farah, who are you actually?

Me:: It’s not important who I am, if he tells you he’s with Farah, he is then..

Her:: Huh? I didn’t get what you mean. You know what. I think Farah is better than you. Enuf said. I don’t think I should stop be friends with Nazim coz he’s FRIEND of mine

Me:: Well, if you really want to know, Farah is history. He is now with me. That’s why i’m the one who called instead of Farah.

Her:: So who are you?

Me:: No need to know lah.. When it’s time, we’ll get to know each other..  sooner or later..

Her:: What do you mean sooner or later? Why you wanna meet me? How did you get my number btw?

Me:: I know what a woman should do when she feels threaten. If we get a chance to meet, you’ll get to know me. If not, you just know me as Nazim’s girl..

Her:: Threaten? Make it simple K. You are Nazim’s gurl and I’m just his friend. So?

Me:: Fine lah.. You’re his friend. But I don’t want to hear you guys hangout at nights etc. I’ve had nuff women stealing my boyfriend.

Her:: Stealing your bf? Haha. What a joke. I’m not interested in making commitment. Enuf said

Me:: I’m not saying you are stealing him. Like I said, I’m being cautious. Now that you know his girlfriend minds about you hanging out with him at nights, I suppose you should respect that.

Her:: We are from different background, different brain. If I said he’s my friend, he’ll be forever. I know my gap and I got pride. You should respect it. That’s the difference between me and you. Clear?

Me:: Whatever makes you sleep at night honey. We’re done here. You get what I mean and I understand you enough. Let’s put a stone here.

Her:: I’m done too. So it’s my right to be friend with anyone I want and you have right to control your Nazim. Enuf said. Learn to be unique. Sweet dream. Bye

Me:: You too. Just a little reminder: know your limits.. Thanks for understanding. Nite..

I guess I made it clear to her that I don't want her to anywhere near my guy. I know some may see this as a stupid2 action, but I need to do something to not lose again. I know she's wealthy, but another thing I know that I'm ten times better than her in any way, except money. (a bit exaggeration though)

Yes, he's mad. He's mad that what I did may jeopardize his reputation at work since they are colleagues. I know that, but I didn't see any other way. She seems to be calling him and always texting him at nights. At nights! Now that's one thing I cannot accept. She knows he's attached and still she looks for him. What kind of desperate is she? Isn't there any eligible bachelor who's not attached at work, that she still looks for him?

What a despicable species.

Battle Hopper

Hari ni, tak pergi kelas.. tidur sampai lebam kat rumah Pak Jay. Bangun, Darl nak pergi kerja dia hantar aku balik rumah, aku tanya petnag ni ambik aku tak, dia kata 'ye, nanti petna gbalik kerja I amik U' then dia terus pergi kerja. Petang, aku tunggu2 dia datang - dari pukul 6 petang aku tunggu sampai la pukul 7. Bila aku call dia tak angkat, dua kali aku call, then mesej lepas tu aku call lagi sekali baru dia angkat. Aku tanya, 'u datang amik I tak?' Suara dia dengar macam tegang gila, macam tengah bengang/marah. Marah aku sebab tanya pasal dia datang ke tak aku pun tak tau la..

Tadi siang aku tinggal laptop kat rumah Pak Jay, ingatkan nak mintak tolong dia formatkan laptop aku masuk Windows 7 tapi bila aku tanya Darl tadi, dia kata 'Jay tak buat lagi, kan dia kerja?' aku tau la dia kerja, aku tanya je kot. Takkan la nak tanya pun tak boleh sampai dia nak marah2 aku? Salah ke aku nak tanya? Entah kenapa aku sedih sangat bila dia marah2 aku macam tu tadi, rasa macam aku ni tah sapa2 je yang tanya dia pasal hal peribadi yang buat dia marah. Tak boleh ke dia cakap baik2? Aku ni dah la hati tisu, lagi2 dengan dia, orang yang paling dekat dalam hati aku, mestila aku expect dia at least cakap tak menengking-nengking dengan aku. Terasa sungguh lah..

Aku nak jumpa dia, itu pun tak boleh jugak? Aih...tak tau la aku macam mana nak handle lelaki sorang ni.. Kenapa lelaki pun ada mood swings ha? Aku ingat orang pompuan je yang selalu ada mood swings. Kalo ye pun tengah marah, jangan la lepas kat aku. Aku tatau pape, call2 terus dapat tengking dia. Ikut hati nak aje aku marah balik, tapi aku tau api tak boleh bagi minyak, so aku diam je. Cari rokok, lepas tension hisap rokok kat luar.

Dok kat luar, aku tengok je motor dia yang ada dia tinggal kat rumah - Battle Hopper. Aku naik motor tu, tatau kenapa tiba2 aku rasa sedih sangat bila teringat kat dia. And entah la jugak kenapa aku rasa macam motor tu paham aku (macam orang la pulak) tengah sedih pasal tuan dia buat hal. Aku hisap rokok atas motor tu, habis hisap rokok, aku peluk motor tu menangis mengadu kat dia. Entah gila apa buat aku sampai boleh pergi mengadu kat motor. Tapi tulah, aku rasa macam motor tu hidup - macam ada soul.

Duduk lama kat atas motor tu, aku still megharap kat dia untuk datang and I can see him. But I think that is just a mere empty hope. Deep inside, amongst hopes for him, aku tau dia takkan datang kat aku malam ni. Aku berfikir sendiri, apa la yang dia buat sampai aku call pun tak angkat, mesej aku hantar pun tak berbalas. Sibuk sangat ke pun sampai a single text saying that he's busy pun tak boleh reply?

Sedih la. Adoi...

Bila datang situation macam ni, aku mula la fikir bukan2.. Tak la sampai aku nak doubt dia, tapi after all those things yang jadi kat aku dengan lelaki2 sebelum ni buat aku jadi takut - takut dicurangi lagi sekali. Aku takut aku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang..lagi sekali. Aku tak sanggup.

Malam ni, aku buat kerja gila bila frust dengan bf sendiri - pergi mengadu kat motor dia yang aku rasa macam ada soul. seolah-olah motor tu faham dengan keadaan aku - miserable sangat2 malam ni.

Gila ke aku?
Berfikir atas motor..

Benar Ku Mencintaimu <3

Night, while FB-ing aku terjumpa satu lagu by Anang - Separuh Jiwaku Pergi. Painful man, the message delivers smoothly that the partner cheats on him - Kris with another guy. Seems like he's fallen hard.

Talk about infidelity and cheating, aku dah masak (rasanya da cukup pengalaman) dengan perangai lelaki yang suka hati dorang je nak curang. Kenapa mesti berlaku curang kalo y'all dah pilih untuk commit dengan somebody? Takkan cinta yang dijaja semua tu tipu je? Kalo tipu je macam mana they all look into some girl's eyes and say I Love You? Weird. (because I can't)

But then, betullah kalo sesetengah orang cakap ada lelaki & ada permpuan yang tak ada hati perut. Bila Love Proverbs say 'Be with a person who loves you, not the person you love', still ada yang tinggalkan a good2 lover for another man/woman. Aku berfikir sendiri, kenapa semua ni jadi? Kenapa commit to a perfectly sacred bond and then betray it?

Walaupun nisbah yang curang/tipu ni lebih kurang je between lelaki+perempuan (aku rasa la) tapi yang selalu di highlight orang - lelaki. Sebab? Haa..lelaki yang banyak rosakkan perempuan bila commit in a relatonship. In terms of physically and emotionally as they sleep with the woman and leaves..

Damn it really hurts (for whoever has experience it, they know, I guess..)

Who Am I?

Pagi ni, lepas aku visit ada satu kawan aku punya blog, ada dia buat personality test ni.. tiba2 aku tergerak hati nak buat test ni jugak..and here's the answer..can't really tell whether they're accurate or not..sebab aku ni manusia yang berubah2 emosi+pemikirannya..so, nothing much that I can say.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/


Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

All-new year, All-new hopes.

2010. Sigh.. tak tau la apa nak di buat dengan tahun baru ni. Apa yang dah jadi tahun lepas buat aku tak ada mood nak sambut tahun baru ni. And seriously, aku macam tak rasa 2009. Feels like I was just blinking even macam2 benda jadi tahun lepas. Rasa macam nak reminisce balik pun ada. Mmm..

Let's see..

Awal tahun start semester macam biasa, and I was so really in love with my ex-boyfriend. And then on 28th of February (yes, I remember) I found his texting with another woman, bersayang2, ber-rindu2 plus siap ada gambar that woman lagi in his phone. I cried like hell and wonder why the fish he does that to me sedangkan I've done almost everything for him. Aku memang rasa macam mana keadaan frust menonggeng, makan tak lalu, mandi tak basah, tido pun tak berapa nak lena. Dalam masa 3 bulan, aku habiskan masa aku dengan pegi club, isap rokok macam nak gila sampai nak temuntah2 pastu study pun entah ke mana. Puas orang kat keliling aku nasihat lah, support lah, marah pun ada. Sebab? aku tak dapat nak lupakan dia. Siot betul.

And then, further in the year..

Pertangahan tahun, Mama kena post kat Perlis. OK la jugak, pasal aku fikir dia dapat tukar angin lepak kerja kat tempat yang can soothe her mind. When she's there, aku kat sini terus meronggeng almost every night dengan my clubbing partner, Dinda and sometimes Frankie - some guy who I stupidly thought can care for me. But he's just merely a stop-by.
And then.. by mid July aku dikenalkan oleh kawan aku Farah kat sorang mamat ni. We clicked well, he tells stories about his life and me listening. Then, after quite sometime (a few days only actually) we became an item, aku yang pop the question. Dia setuju. It went well until Ramadhan. Bila aku dapat tahu there's another woman. Aku confront dia, but he managed to get away with good excuses..
Until that another woman approached me on Facebook. We connect and tell the truth to each other. Tak disangka2, start dari bulan Ramadhan dia dah bercouple dengan perempuan tu, dan selama tu lah, dia tipu aku. By end of October, aku dapat strength untuk tinggal penipu tu (thanks to friends who cared and advised) and just get along with work, friends and new friends.

Then something about me and the abang angkat guy where there's this day when he confessed he wanted me to be his partner. Aku refuse mulanya, tapi bila aku nampak ada kesungguhan kat dia, aku fikir2..what the hell, just get on with it if he can make me happy. Cumanya, the ex kawan aku (or used to be lah) and dia berkata-kata yang aku ini the backstabber where aku sanggup rampas her fiancee. Mm.. aku tak tau lah nak cakap apa, cuma yang aku tau aku tak buat dia curang or tinggalkan the ex untuk aku. He just did that and sometime after the break-up we were together. Well, long as I'm happy aku tak nak bother pasal orang lain kecuali yang baik dengan aku, yang care about me. Those are enough for me.

New Year Eve - aku kerjaaaa....  *sigh*

A Backstabber and Not

OK. Here's my friend on my right, and her fiancee on my left. Her fiancee made me his  adik angkat about a month ago when we first met in Borneo Rainforest on Halloween. He made my friend invite me to join them that day and I did.


Here's how it went.


I was disappointed with my Prince, who is now an ex. He and others saw me crying and looking gloomy back then. All of them was trying to cheer me up - not crying in the middle of a chaotic club. Then two of them - her fiancee and there's this guy who cared about me and always telling me not to cry but smile always (kinda like him.hehe). Both of them helped me in getting over my ex (as well as my friend and others)..making me a stronger person, strong enough to dump my ex. Then, God knows how and why, three of us - me, this guy and this fiancee guy. We hang out together a lot and talk about almost everything. And he made me his adik angkat. I even asked for her permission - is it OK if he takes me as his adik angkat. She said yes.


Then there's this someone who pointed at me saying I like my own friend's fiancee. It's almost out of this world, at least for me. How could I ever take my friend's love when I had feel the pain of having my partner taken? And it happened twice!


Never!


The relationship grows between me and my brother as time goes by, and we bond in a very short period of time. We had luahan perasaan to each other, we talked about all the things in the world. But the part where I can hang on to this brother of mine is that I'm comfortable with him. No, we are comfortable with each other. Even sometimes when we are close I don't really feel comfort, I kept in mind that he's a brother and we are supposed to be that close. A brother right? Blood binding doesn't matter - what's in your heart matters. I hold on to that.


As time flies, we grow closer to each other and he's been telling me about how he wants to walk away and that he admits being with her all along was a mistake. He's just waiting for the right time to pop the statement that might hurt her to the deepest. And I've been trying to tell him that if he still loves her, just go on with whatever that they're having right now and just fix any wreck, talk to each other and make something out of it. Even to her, I asked her to come up to him and fix everything.


But, there's a but.


He keeps running away from her and avoiding her approaches and just let everything be. She was miserable, he was spending his time with me instead. Guilt was on every inch of my flesh. Luckily most of the time, the other guy was there - so it was three of us, not just me and him. And at the same time his friends (whom are her friends too) are telling her that he's cheating on her with me. Many kinds of accusations that I wasn't aware of. Only him and the other guy. This suffocates me as she is my bestfriend, she knows about me, my life, who I am and what I've been through.


So, as I was telling him (and her aswell) to keep going on, last Friday 28/11 when he picked me up from work and I asked him where was he from - Kampung Baru, fiancee's place; he left her. Well if he asks me I would say it's so unbelievable. It really was, as I kept asking him about it - did it really happen or that he was just messing around. But my hunch was true. he left her. 


And now I have a feeling that my friend is blaming me for that - maybe thinking that I wanted to steal her fiancee in the first place. Plus, all those nasty people around her poisoning her mind telling this and that about me. I can tell. It's common among women. Instead of coming up to me and clear things up, she prefers to listen to all her ridiculous friends, who clearly don't know anything about me. I bet she knows me better. Way better than her other friends.
Alas, coming up to the third party isn't always a preferred thing to do unless a person has experienced terrible loss due to a third party. I think I can digest that. And that I understand how a girl would act if she thought her own bestfriend betrays her. Definitely I can get that to my head.


Nevertheless, the damage is done and lesson learnt. I should never step into a person's relationship, especially when it's going over a rough patch. Definitely a no no. And what I'm upset about is that she really thought I backstabbed her, which is totally absurd! I never betrayed her. I even stayed on her side when my brother was telling me all the things about her doings behind him that he gets to know much later, or those things she did without him knowing. And when he asked me, I just told him the truth without knowing that he never knew anything about her activities behind him. I only told him the truth! I never want them to split..


:: Dear friend, if you read this, please understand and realize that I never betray you. Not in any way or with any intentions. I treasure you.