Open Heart, Open Mind.

Saya bukan nak mengungkit, tapi ini yang saya rasa, dan saya tak boleh nak bagitau awak face-to-face sebab nanti awak melenting meletup sebab awak tak boleh terima. Saya dah tak boleh nak tahan lagi dengan perangai awak yang selalu lukakan hati saya. Hari2, saya jaga hati awak, saya elakkan daripada tinggi suara kat awak. Saya tak pernah maki awak. Saya cuba & cuba bersabar dengan kerenah awak, dengan baran awak, dengan mulut awak. Bila awak marah saya, awak tak cakap elok2, awak terus burst kat saya. Awak ada pernah tak, sekali pun terfikir yang hati saya selalu remuk sebab awak? Pernah tak? Pernah tak awak terfikir yang kata2 awak tu macam pisau, tajam sangat? Awak ada pernah terfikir tak? 

Bila saya selalu pesan kat awak supaya selalu bersabar dengan orang, beradab dengan orang, awak kata saya berlagak mulia. WTF?? Selama awak dengan saya, memang itu je ke yang awak nampak kat saya? Berlagak mulia? Awak, kalau saya berlagak je mulia, saya takkan bertahan dengan awak sampai setahun lebih. Saya dah tinggal awak, takpun cari lelaki lain awal2 lagi dah. Saya betul2 tak boleh terima bila awak cakap macam tu. Lagi satu bila awak cakap macam tu, saya faham lah, maknanya awak tak suka merendah diri. Awak tak nak mengalah. Awak nak semua orang hormat awak. 

Awak ego. Ego sangat2. Saya tanya awak, ego awak tu pernah bagi apa kelebihan kat awak? Dengan ego awak tu, awak dapat rumah besar ke? Dapat kereta besar ke? Awak bawak ego awak tu pergi kedai pajak, orang kedai tu nak ambik ke ego awak tu? Saya tanya awak, boleh ke ego awak tu bagi kebahagiaan kat awak? Saya dah cuba rendahkan ego awak, lembutkan hati awak supaya aawak jadi orang yang boleh bertoleransi. Tapi awak ingat saya nak buat awak tunduk kat saya. Awak ni bodoh ke apa? Tak reti nak tengok kelebihan rendahkan ego? Bukannya saya mintak awak buang semua ego awak tu. Saya nak awak rendahkan sikit je. 

Sebabnya? Awak tanyalah siapa pun, tak ada perempuan yang suka lelaki ego. Sesama lelaki pun menyampah. Sebab ego ni setan. Awak sendiri tau, berapa banyak rumahtangga hancur sebab ego. Takkan awak tak faham2 lagi? Ego awak yang awak sayang sangat tu sebenarnya tak ada guna sikit pun. Kalau kita kahwin, dengan perangai awak yang awak tak nak ubah tu, tak mustahil satu hari nanti kita bercerai sebab ego kesayangan awak tu.

Awak panas baran. Sangat! Sifat ni pun tak guna satu sen pun. Untuk apa awak nak simpan baran awak tu kalau awak sendiri pun tau yang fungsi baran tu satu je - menghancurkan. Awak tau sangat2 pasal ni. Tapi tak, awak nak jugak simpan baran awak tu. Saya pun tak tau kenapa. Sebab saya yang paling dekat dengan awak, sayalah yang selalu jadi tempat awak nak lepaskan baran awak tu. Takkan awak nak lepaskan kat kawan2 kesayangan awak pulak kan? Saya tau. Memang saya yang selalu dapat habuan tu. Tapi, awak ada terfikir tak, kalau baran saya sama level dengan baran awak? Awak ada fikir tak berapa banyak saya kena sabar dengan baran awak tu? 

Saya asyik nasihat, nasihat. Sampai saya sendiri pun dah tak larat nak nasihat awak supaya lose the temper! Awak macam tak faham bahasa melayu. Saya nak kena ukir kat otak awak tu ke, baru awak nak ingat? Dah berbuih mulut saya cakap, cakap dan cakap kat awak yang perangai baran awak tu tak bagi apa2 manfaat pun. Either kat awak, kat saya or kat mana2 hubungan. Boleh tak awak faham? Boleh tak awak jadi orang yang rasionalnya tinggi? Yang boleh kawal diri? Susah sangat ke nak buat? Sedangkan diri awak sendiri kot. Takkan diri awak nak kena orang lain yang kawal pulak?

Awak biadap. Panggillah apa pun; laser, mulut longkang, celupar, outspoken, blunt, rude.. Semua tu awak ada. Sebab awak buat semua tu. Mungkin awak tak perasan, tapi saya & orang2 kat sekeliling awak tau perangai awak tu. Tanyalah siapa pun, semua kawan2 awak cakap awak macam tu. Awak tak malu ke, orang cakap awak mulut celupar? Biadap? Awak tak rasa segan ke bila orang tengok awak macam tu? Saya malu. Saya malu bila orang datang kat saya kata BF saya mulut kurang ajar. Saya tak tau nak defend apa kat orang sebab memang awak macam tu. Awak rasa, dengan mulut awak tu, orang boleh hormat awak ke? Orang boleh pandang tinggi kat awak sebab mulut awak ke? Entah2 orang malas nak layan mulut awak tu, and orang dah tak kuasa nak tegur awak sebab awak memang tak makan nasihat. 

Pujuklah, nasihatlah macam mana pun, awak tetap dengan mulut celupar awak. Awak ada terfikir tak, kalau perangai awak ni turun kat anak awak, dia pulak marah awak, tengking awak, perli awak, kurang ajar dengan awak? Awak ada terfikir tak pasal tu? Saya rasa tak. Sebab awak bangga sangat dengan mulut awak tu, dengan celupar awak tu. Akal awak letak kat mana? Kat tapak kasut awak ke? 

Bila saya buat kat awak, pandai awak marah. kata saya kurang ajar la apa la. Tapi awak? Ada awak cermin diri awak tu, perangai macam mana? Kalau perangai awak tu elok sangat boleh la kalau awak nak marah saya. Tapi hakikatnya awak lagi teruk dari saya. Awak pernah kata, anak yang baik datang dari keluarga yang baik. Dari perangai awak, saya dah tau keluarga saya yang porak peranda lagi baik dari keluarga awak. Sebab saya tak tengking mak ayah saya macam mana awak buat kat mak bapak awak. Awak boleh sedar sikit tak, yang mulut lancang awak yang non-stop tu buat orang menyampah kat awak? Sesuka hati cakap orang tu bodoh, orang ni stupid, orang tu idiot.. 

Awak tu pandai sangat ke nak kata orang lain bodoh? Awak tau segala2nya ke nak kata orang lain tak pandai? Saya tanya awak, awak reti melukis ke? Awak tau bertukang ke? Awak reti menanam ke? Tak kan? So, sedarlah yang awak tak tau segala2nya. Ada bidang yang awak tak tau, melainkan awak belajar pasal bidang tu. 

Awak nak orang hormat awak, awak nak orang takut kat awak. Awak ingat awak tu siapa? Tuhan? Malaikat? Awak nobody, tau ke? NOBODY. Kalau kat ofis awak, orang  hormat awak sebab awak rajin, sebab awak senior.. Tak apa lah. Tapi kalau awak nak sampai semua orang untuk hormat awak, awak silap la. Bukan semua orang kerja satu ofis dengan awak, yang mana yang kerja kat situ rata2nya minah gedik, minah rempit, unggek2 je. Memanglah semua boleh hormat awak. Sebab diorang tengok awak berduit, sebab dengan kerja macam tu awak boleh pakai motor besar, kereta lagi.. Kan? 

Jujur saya cakap, awak tak ada apa2. Bila awak nak saya takut kat awak jugak, memang saya tak boleh terima. Sebab awak bukan siapa2 untuk saya. Lainlah kalau awak tu suami saya. Ada sebab jugaklah kalau awak nak saya takut kat awak, sebab syurga kat bawah tapak kaki awak. Tapi saya tak rasa saya patut takut kat awak. Sebab awak tak ada apa2. Sebab kalau setakat sebab badan awak besar, duit awak banyak (banyak ke?), baran awak tinggi saya kena takut kat awak, awak silaplah. Yang ada kat saya untuk awak cuma hormat. Saya hormat awak sebab awak banyak pengalaman, awak banyak pengetahuan. Tapi bukan sebab duit awak. Duit saya pun boleh cari. Mana2 pun boleh jumpa duit. Tapi saya takkan hormat seseorang sebab duit dia. Mengarut!

Ingatlah Tuhan bila awak nak orang takut kat awak. Sebab bila2 masa je Tuhan boleh buat awak hilang upaya untuk berdiri gagah depan mata orang. 

Awak selalu berlagak, menunjuk kat orang apa yang awak ada. Saya tak suka, sebab saya percaya kat sifat rendah diri. Awak ingat orang kisah sangat ke dengan apa yang awak ada? Orang tengok sekejap je orang suka, lepas tu bila orang dah tau apa yang awak ada, orang gunakan awak. Awak nampak tak kronologi tu? Saya dah lama perhati je perangai awak ni. Bila saya nasihat, awak kata saya bising, saya membebel. Yang sampai orang pecahkan bearing kereta awak tu? Tak gunakan awak namanya? Bila saya kata awak pendek akal, awak marah, tak boleh terima. Tapi itu hakikatnya. Awak tak nampak apa niat orang kat awak melalui perangai diorang. Awak nak saya buka cerita satu per satu ke pasal orang gunakan awak? Saya rasa awak sendiri tau pasal tu kot.

Awak sangat pentingkan diri. Sangat sangat sangat! Awak pentingkan masa awak, kawan2 awak, hartabenda awak, diri awak!  Ada awak peduli kebajikan orang lain, ayah awak contohnya. Dari awak kecik dia besarkan awak, sampaikan awak pun dah jadi lagi besar dari dia, ada awak peduli kesihatan dia? Tak, awak buat bodoh je. Saya faham, awak anak tunggal, dah biasa hidup sendiri. Tapi itu bukan alasan awak untuk pentingkan diri sendiri. Bila awak kahwin, kepentingan awak jadi nombor 2, keluarga, anak2 yang patut diutamakan. Ini tidak, awak kata awak nak kahwin dengan saya tapi awak buat saya macam mana? Awak lagi sayang material daripada orang yang selalu jaga awak! Semua benda saya kena buat. Semua benda saya kena mengalah. Awak nak menang je selalu. tak pentingkan diri ke namanya tu? Bukak mata awak tu sikit. Dengan perangai awak yang macam ni, tak taulah siapa yang boleh tahan dengan awak. Kawan2 awak pun tak tahan dengan awak tau tak?

Awak, kalau awak nak saya kurangkan emo saya, saya boleh buat. Saya akan buang emo saya tu. Syaratnya? Awak buang la ego & baran & celupar awak tu. Awak sendiri tau, kalau tak ada apa2 yang buat saya kecik hati kat awak, saya takkan nak emo2 & merajuk. Takkanlah saya nak merajuk tak tentu pasal dengan awak tanpa sebab. Saya boleh kurangkan emo saya, kalau awak tak marah2 saya, blunt dengan saya. Kan saya dah bagitau awak dari dulu lagi, saya sensitif sangat2. So, of course-lah saya emo kalau apa yang awak cakap kata saya tu lukakan hati saya. Kalau awak tak buat perangai, tak baran, tak ego, tak celupar, nak buat apa saya nak emo2 dengan awak? Betul tak?

Kalau awak baca entri ni, saya harap awak tak marah. Saya harap awak dapat buka hati, buka minda, lapangkan dada awak luas2 dan terima. Saya nak awak sedar, yang semua tu tak elok untuk awak, especially untuk masa depan awak. Ini kebenaran. Awak nafikan macam mana pun, semua orang tau yang inilah awak. Bukannya saya nafikan kebaikan awak, tak. Saya tau banyak kebaikan awak sebenarnya, tapi sebab ego awak tu, sebab selfish awak tu, sebab awak nak orang hormat awak, takut kat awak, segala kebaikan awak, awak simpan. Kalau saya jadi awak lah, saya keluarkan semua kebaikan saya supaya orang tak takut kat saya, tapi orang sayang & hormat kat saya. 

Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak tengok satu2nya lelaki yang saya sayang boleh jadi seorang lelaki budiman, yang disayangi di dunia dan jugak di akhirat nanti. Awak, kalaulah awak boleh berubah, hidup awak akan lagi tambah2 bahagia & orang2 kat sekeliling awak sayangkan awak, hormat awak. Bukan sebab harta, tapi sebab awak; diri awak. Kalau saya masih kat sebelah awak masa tu, saya lah partner yang paling bangga, paling bahagia, dan sayalah orang yang paling hormat awak.

Awak tau tak, kalau kita kahwin, nanti kalau saya masuk syurga tapi awak kena masuk neraka, Allah akan kahwinkan saya lagi sekali dengan pari2 lelaki yang ada kat syurga tau? Mana2 isteri pun macam tu. Awak nak masuk neraka ke? 

Awak, saya mintak maaf banyak2 kalau awak baca entri ni & awak sakit hati. Tapi ini je cara saya untuk luahkan apa yang saya rasa, apa yang saya nampak, apa yang saya tak puas hati. Dan ini lebih baik daripada saya cerita kat orang lain, & boleh jadi fitnah. Saya tau, awak pun tau, kalau saya cakap benda2 ni depan awak, saya takkan boleh habis sebab tak sampai separuh saya cakap awak akan potong & awak akan melenting2 marah. Sebab saya tau awak tak boleh terima. Saya sedih sangat bila awak buat macam tu. Seolah2 saya ni nobody untuk awak. Hina sangat ke saya kat mata awak? Sampai awak boleh buat sesuka hati awak kat saya? Kalau awak sayang, macam ni ke cara awak tunjukkan kasih sayang awak kat saya?

Awak belajarlah terima kebenaran, walaupun semua orang tau, kebenaran tu memang sangat2 menyakitkan. Belajarlah bersabar, merendah diri. Belajarlah mengaku kesilapan & maafkan kesilapan orang lain. Belajarlah handle kritikan dari orang lain. Belajarlah awak, masih belum terlambat untuk awak belajar sekarang. Jangan nanti bila dah nazak, nak mati baru awak nak belajar. Masa tu dah tak guna kalau awak nak menyesal ke apa ke. Sekarang ni lah awak, sementara masih ada lagi orang yang sayang kat awak, kawan2 ada kat sekeliling awak. Takkan lah bila dah tinggal sorang2 baru awak nak sedar? Masa tu orang dah tak nak kawan awak dah, orang dah tak nak sayang awak dah. Semua dah sibuk dengan hal masing2.
Berhenti sekejap. Fikir. Apa jenis masa depan yang awak nak. 

Again, saya mintak maaf kat awak sangat2 kalau awak baca entri ni. Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak buktikan, yang awak boleh jadi lelaki budiman kat orang2 kat luar sana yang selalu perlekehkan awak, kutuk2 awak. Buktikanlah awak, yang awak ni lelaki sejati, a true gentleman yang sempurna & boleh bahagiakan orang yang sayang kat awak. Saya tau awak boleh, sebab awak kuat. Awak mampu. Jadilah lelaki budiman, B. InsyaAllah, banyak faedahnya. 

If I Trouble You Too Much--

OK, here goes. Nak pergi pick you up @Sentral, tapi minyak habis kat tengah2 jalan. I pergi masuk Chow Kit, tapi tak sempat sampai kat Shell yang ada kat situ. So I walked to the station and beli minyak masuk tong. You called, and I taknak bagitau you yang minyak kereta habis and I tengah nak refuel balik. Sebabnya? I taknak susahkan you pergi balik belikan minyak etc. I tak tau yang you nak pergi Pertama Complex and that kedai yang you nak pergi tu tutup awal. The second time you called, you dah marah2 tanya pasal apa lambat etc. Bila I sampai Sentral, you masuk2 kereta je terus nak marah2 I. Kenapa I tak bagitau you awal2? Susah sangat ke nak bagitau kereta habis minyak?

Sebenarnya memanglah tak susah, cuma I just tak nak you kehulu kehilir sebab kecik je. Salah I, sebab I tak isi minyak semalam, even 10rm pun should be enough nak amik you & pergi Pertama. Tapi I nak save duit, that's why I tak nak withdraw duit dari bank. Duit yang ada tu I nak guna masa emergency dah tak ada duit sangat2 nanti, at least ada back-up. I tak boleh nak bagitau you yang I nak simpan duit tu, nanti you marah, kata I tak nak bantu you ke apa ke nanti.

I tak nak susahkan you tadi. Sebabnya? I dah susahkan you in terms of  money, so I tak nak susahkan you in terms of your energy. Tapi bila you kata I tak payah mintak duit makan, duit belanja kat you kalau betul I taknak susahkan you, I betul2 rasa macam I ni mintak sedekah kat you, even untuk isi minyak je. I tak mintak banyak pun, just duit untuk fuel je. Takkan itu pun too much? I bukannya mintak 100rm seminggu, untuk buat belanja. I mintak duit buat isi minyak je. Kalau nak diikutkan, seingat I, you kata I tak payah kerja, biar you je tanggung I. So this is you supporting me. Tapi kenapa you cakap macam tu? Seolah2 I bebankan you sangat2. I tak ada mintak pun duit untuk beli buku ke apa ke, let alone mintak duit untuk shopping. Sebab I tak nak susahkan you.

Salah ke kalau I selesaikan sendiri masalah, I just nak you tunggu je sampai I settle. Salah ke? Why didn't you tell me you were going to a place that closes at 8.30pm (wtf?) in the first place? I mengaku, salah I, sebab tak bagitau you awal2. Tapi if I'd known, of course I dah bagitau you awal2.

I'm sorry. Tapi kedai tu boleh pergi lagi esok lusa kan? Janganlah bitter sangat over a stupid shop with a stupid owner who closes at 8.30pm. OK? OK?

Retarded?

Sapa2 pun, bila dipanggil terencat akal, marah tak? Bila you sendiri orang kata retarded/terencat, you marah tak? I bet you do. Apatah lagi depan orang. Bila you sesuka hati kata I retarded, you ada terfikir tak, apa yang I rasa? I admit, I lurus bendul. I tak tau pasal banyak benda macam you. I tak peka macam you. Tapi one thing for sure, I ada hati, I tau apa rasa offended, I bukan patung batu yang tak rasa apa2, yang tak akan reply apa pun yang you buat..

I manusia, dan hati I tak sekuat mana nak handle mulut blunt you. I tau, you tau yang I sangat sensitif. Tapi kali ni, you're the one who's not alert about what I feel. I bukan kawan you, yang you boleh main2, yang you boleh nak perlecehkan sesuka hati you. I someone yang sayang you. I someone yang you kata you nak nikah. Tapi, macam ni ke you layan isteri you? Sama macam kawan2 you? Kalau macam tu, masudnya I tak ada apa2 makna untuk you. I bukan orang yang you nak nikah. Bukan.

Sebab sepatutnya, if you love someone, you would never hurt them, you would never want to make them cry, you would never want to insult/humiliate them. If you love someone, you'd want to take a really good care of them, you'd make them smile/laugh all the time. You'd be there when they need you.

Macam mana dengan you? I tak tau apa makna sayang untuk you. How do you define love. Sebab apa yang I rasa sekarang bukan sayang, tapi penghinaan.

Apa you rasa kalau I panggil you retard depan2 Nabila/Long/Pa? Marah tak? I bet you will. Silap2 you mengamuk. Tapi you sesuka hati panggil I retard depan2 Ijam, you have no idea betapa I malu depan Ijam. And Ijam yang kawan yang I tak tahu hati budi pun boleh tunjukkan kat I baik2 what should I do. Tapi you? I malu kat Ijam - 1. sebab you boleh kata I terencat akal depan dia, 2. sebab BF I dah sangat terbiasa dengan mulut kurang ajar dia sampai GF sendiri pun dia boleh kata terencat akal.

I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dari I, yang boleh buatkan you hargai I macam mana sepatutnya seorang lelaki menghargai wanita. Mungkin sebab you dah biasa sangat jadi jantan, that I can't change you jadi lelaki balik. I'm sorry, but that's just what I feel.

Kalau macam ni cara you layan I, and kalau cara ni takkan berubah, I rasa sepanjang hidup I dengan you I akan menangis menangis menangis.. sebab perangai you, mulut you. Tak boleh ke kurangkan biadab, tambahkan adab dalam diri you? Bukannya I mintak you alihkan gunung untuk I.. I cuma mintak you jadi seorang lelaki budiman. Sebabnya? Bukan untuk I, sebabnya, bila kita manusia ada anak, apa yang kita buat 10x anak akan buat.. I tak nak kalau kita ada anak, anak kita 10x kurang ajar dari you. I tak nak. Sebab tu I suruh you berubah kalau you  nak kahwin dengan I..Bukan I suruh you berubah suka2 untuk kepentingan diri I.. Tolonglah faham..

Jadilah lelaki budiman sayang, ramai yang akan sayang you.. Tolonglah..

Despicable!

Hate is a strong word. But God, I really, really don't like your guts! Just because you're close to him at work, it doesn't mean you can go around and act as if you're his girlfriend! Or perhaps, he's so nice to you that you think he might give just about everything u ask for! Damn!

How would you feel if some other girl do that to your man?

Fine, call me a paranoid, but maybe it's just me; I don't like girls who behave like you. As if you don't have any self-pride. Don't you feel any shame doing that to another man, where you are already attached to someone? Oh, that is so not me. And I can't deal with people behaving like that. Just, not possible. If only I could just banish you off...

Valentine's Day

Hari ni aku nak bercakap pasal V-Day, since lagi 2-3 hari je nak masuk 14th Feb kan. Sebab selalunya aku whine around je kat blog ni, terasa nak tulis something yang lain pulak. And sebab aku pun pernah sambut Valentine's zaman aku jahil dulu. Jahil & tak peduli. Bagi aku lah, Valentine's ni mengarut je. It's just a day where everybody is anticipating, and the media exaggerating. Aku tak rasa Valentine's ni satu isu besar, sampailah ada mufti yang keluarkan statement kata sambut V-Day itu HARAM.

Ramai yang marah bila jadi macam tu, bila kerajaan buat itu-ini kat hari2 yang kita celebrate. Kenapa aku kata kita? Sebab aku pun terlibat sekali menyambut V-Day satu masa yang tak dulu sangat. When it comes to Valentine's Day, memang we're not supposed to celebrate because one; it's not one of our festivals. Two; ulama' pun dah state Valentine's tu celebration yang bukan2. Sembah dewa la, and raikan kematian St. Valentine. What the hell? Sapa yang raikan kematian someone dalam Islam? Karut. Karut yang melampau. Orang mati kita tahlilkan, bukan raikan! (Tapi hal St. Val ni terkecuali sebab dia kapir)  Lepas tu, hari yang sama ni jugak dulu Kerajaan Rom jatuhkan Kerajaan Islam kat Cordova. Ini yang kita nak raikan? Kejatuhan Kerajaan Islam yang kita nak raikan? Bullshit! Kalau macam tu, ulangtahun wafat Nabi Muhammad s.a.w kenapa orang2 kat Malaysia ni tak raikan? Dumbskulls. Yang paling teruk & otak aku tak boleh nak hadam is that one girl kena jadi sex slave for a year because of this day! Memang yang ni aku tak suka! Total horseshit!

Semuanya sebab terpengaruh dengan media punya gembar-gembur yang besar2kan hari ni. Sebenarnya Hari Kekasih ni tak ada apa pun yang nak diraikan. Orang2 Malaysia ni je, terikut2 sangat dengan budaya Amerika tu. American sangat ke orang2 kat Malaysia ni? Coklat je aku tengok, tak putih pun. Yang sibuk2 nak ikut budaya aorang tu buat apa? Budaya sendiri yang sedia ada cantik molek, sibuk nak pi ikut budaya orang. Dah tak ada kerja lain dah ke? Tak cukup lagi festival yang ada dalam agama Islam & budaya Melayu ke, sampai kita sibuk nak sambut perayaan budaya lain?

Lagi satu, kalau nak diikutkan, Valentine's Day ni orang2 Kristian punya celebration, yang orang2 Muslim nak pi ikut sambut sekali tu nak buat apa? Tumpang sekaki? Kita pun Kristian jugak ke? Bila sampai 14th Feb je, kita jadi Kristian sekejap, sambut Valentine's, lepas tu jadi Islam balik. Macam tu? =.='

Macam yang Ustazah Bahyah kata, bila time V-Day je semua orang sibuk nak berkasih sayang. Semua kepoh nak buktikan cinta bila sampai Hari Kekasih ni. Kenapa, hari lain tak boleh nak buktikan ke? Hari lain tak ada kasih sayang ke? Special day-lah sangat. Kalau nak buat macam tu, jumpa kekasih setahun sekali je, tak payah jumpa hari2. Sebab hari yang nak buktikan kasih sayang setahun sekali je kan? Hari lain tak peduli pun nak berkasih sayang. Bergaduh bercekau sama jugak.

Another thing, bila sampai hari ni, semua ambik kesempatan atas nama kasih sayang, atas nama cinta. Lelaki ke, perempuan ke, sama je. Yang perempuan, masa ni lah nak pow bf diorang kaw2, beli roses lah, coklat lah, mintak tu mintak ni. Selagi tak kosong wallet bf dia, selagi tu dia tak berhenti. Yang lelaki pulak, macam biasalah, 'Kalau you sayang I, buktikan malam ni.' What the...?? Faham sangat dah dengan perangai lelaki2 yang kononnya sambut Hari Kekasih sebab cinta, sayang, tapi sebenarnya jantan hidung belang. Yang kekasih ni ikut lah, cinta punya pasal. Dah settle V-Day, masuk pertengahan/hujung tahun, putus - tahun depannya mamat tu kekah perempuan lain pulak.. Atas dasar cintaaaa... Baguslah sangat macam tu. Silap2 bercinta time V-Day, masuk bulan 11 ada orang jumpa baby berbungkus kat entah mana2 lorong. Macam tu ke buat kat kekasih? Kasih sayang my foot!

Supposedly, Hari kekasih bukan Valentine's Day, tapi Vagina Day. Sebab masa hari ni lah, lelaki mintak & perempuan bagi V-nya atas nama cinta pada V-Day. So, scratch Valentine's, put Vagina instead. Baru betul makna dia. Kan?

A Tale of Tears

You're angry. But did you ever give it a thought about it when you yelled at me across the EPF office hall? Did it ever occurred to you how would I feel when you said you can't afford to live with me and that you don't want to live with me? Can you imagine how much it hurts when the person you Love most say those words to you? You wanted to annoy me with Nia? Well, congratulations. You did.

Just yesterday you said you Love me. I asked you, how much? And you answered so much. Today you said you don't want to live with me. Why, because of my emotions. But for me, I suppose it is better for me to be quiet and stay quiet while I'm upset rather than yelling around. Don't you think?

I'm tired. I'm tired of you walking out on me, I'm tired of crying over small, small matters, I'm tired of being blamed almost every time, I'm tired of being yelled at, all I want is to be happy. Make one mistake after another and then fix them, enjoy life while I still can walk and speak and see you. Because I'll never know when I'm going to fall sick, be blinded or break my legs.

I thought all the Love that I have given you through these many days was enough. But apparently it's not. Apparently you want more.

You. Should I?

You apologised. You wanted another chance. You realised that you were wrong. You want to make it up to me, improve our relationship and be happy together. What were you thinking when you broke this up and destroyed me?

I still remember, it was November 9th, I went to your office parking lot at the basement and waited for you from 10pm to 2am, just to ask for another chance to patch things up between us. 4 hours of waiting, hurting and hoping that you might think twice about our relationship. But all I got was ultimate disappointment and humiliation. Yes, I know I've insulted you pretty bad when I threw all your stuff outside the house. And I've explained it to you why. Why, what made me do that, because for all you know, I would never do such things to you.

But you said you would rather die alone than live your life with me. Can you imagine how those words slammed my heart? Everything that I had hope, all the things we built together was ruined, destroyed in a split second after you said that. And what made it worse is that you told me you were living a happier life without any commitment and me. In one week, you told me, you didn't have anybody to control your movements and whereabouts you were going. Well, let me tell you something. Within that one week where you were living happily, I was stuck at home, crying and crying, and hoping that you would come back. Sending you messages and cards and even flowers to make you come home. But you did not. You never did.

And, did you ever thought of me after that November 9th? Did you ever miss me along the 3 weeks after you dumped me, for the second time? I didn't stop thinking of you. Everywhere I went, everything I saw and felt, every song I heard, it all reminded me of you. Especially Ruby. Driving that car made me miss you so much, I wanted to run to you and tell you how much I love and care for you, and how I wanted to relive our relationship so we can be happy again. I just wonder, did I ever cross your mind, even for a second? Did you ever want to call me and say you missed me? I wonder.

And then came 2nd December. Thursday, I was drunk and I wanted you so much. I called you, I said I hate you repeatedly. I did, I did hate you, because you, instead of giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes, you walked away. You left me hanging, and then you crushed me to ground when you end it. I was satisfied for hurting you. But you came. You came and God knows, how I wanted to hold you and say I'm sorry for everything. But you hit me, humiliated me again in front of our friends. You left us and with me nothing at 4am in the morning. Don't be mad at Wani, she just had to to what she needed to do. Or I would never get home that night. None of of us would.

But after that you started calling and calling me, from Saturday night. Until yesterday, insisting that you want to see me. For whatever reasons, I don't know. But I was sure I didn't want to meet you. I was hurt so badly after what you did that I never wanted to see you again. I even prayed to God to put you away from me if we're not meant for each other. But you kept on coming. You never stopped coming. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what are God's plans for us. You came to me asking for forgiveness and telling me how sorry you were after that night. And that you realised how you still loved me after you found out you broke into anger knowing I was taking alcohol. What? Where was your conscience when I was begging at you for another chance? Where was your heart when you said you love me, but you can't keep our relationship? And the part where you were willing to give any amount of money, long as I walk away from you? What happened to you? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? See me cry for you?

I don't know what you feel, but somewhere in me is saying that you might be lying to me. I know, everyone knows that you are an excellent liar. How you lied to me pretty much about everything that I needed to know and that you preferred it to be that way because you just couldn't tell me the truth. For all I know, I have told you about everything I need in a relationship. And the most important is that I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how painful it is. But you couldn't, you just couldn't.. Why is it so difficult for you to tell me, tell everybody the truth?

I can't stop thinking - why should I give you another chance? Will we be happier if we get back together? Will you prove yourself to me, according to what you've said that night? Will I not be hurt by you again? Will I not be crying alone in my room because of what you do and say, again? Can we live a happy life together and live by God's rules? Happily? Can you stand my mood swings which can burst at any time for the rest of your life? Will you stay faithful to me in say, 30 years? I have so much to lose in this. And I'm so afraid if I let you have this opportunity, you will break me again. I want to forgive you. I want to let you fix what you've done. I want to try again and make it work. But I'm afraid. I am so afraid, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt you, I can't. But I'm afraid you will. My brain says I gotta be selfish in this. But my heart says you should be given another chance. I don't know which to follow. You can say anything, but if this doesn't work out, I will be the one who cries every night in her room until you fade.

Things That I Hate About You

You. I never fancied you in the first place. Just so you know, here are the things that I don't like about you.

1. I hate your long hair. It makes you look messy and you look miserable.

2. I never liked your eyes. Maybe it takes time for me to get used to it.

3. I hate your huge ego. It suffocates me. If ego was a person, I'd kill it long time ago.

4. I hate it when you snore. I can't sleep with you snoring loudly next to me. I need more than a half hour to sleep hearing your snores.

5. I hate the way you wear your pants. It's so low, everybody can see you ass. They don't even have to peek. At least, you could wear high-waist undies to cover it, but you didn't. It's gross. Like, so ew.

6. I hate it when you were always controlling my movement, I can't even go out anywhere to meet friends. I ain't your pet, I was your partner..

7. I hate it when I asked you about something, you lied to me, even though you were just playing around. I didn't like it. Just tell me the truth. End of story.

8. I hate it when you escaped our fights, instead of sitting down with me and solve it.

9. I hate it when you kept on provoking me even after I gave in to our fights.

10. I hate your guts when you never wanted to admit your mistakes and kept on blaming me on small2 matters that occur. It made both of us look childish with you blaming and me defending myself.

11. I hate your shoes. It's yellow, for God's sakes. Ew.

12. I hate it when you wanted to spend a lot of money when it's time for you to save.

13. I hate your credit cards sooo fucking much!

14. I hate it that I still can't forget Farah when I look at you, cos I know she was your best (as you told me).

15. I hate you, because you love to make me do things I don't like. Allll the time. Remember the satay scene?

16. I hate your temper. You're always get angry even over little mistakes I make.

17. I hate your exaggerated words when you talk. Be humble-lah.

18. I hate it that you are far from The Almighty. I know I'm not a good servant, but hey, you're a man. You should know more than I do.

19. I don't like the way you smoke. Looks sissy. Haha!

20. I hate it when you use violence on me. Come on, I'm only half your size!

21. I hate it when you sweet-talk me. Like I don't know men!

22. I hate it when you never called after we fight and then act as if nothing happened later. Hate it.

What else? Hm. I can't figure out yet. But I will add them sooner or later. But those flaws, those things that I hate can't match your advantages and little things that I like about you. Let me tell you what I like about you.

1. I actually like your curly hair. You'll look super sexy with out-of-bed hairdo.

2. I like your fingers. They're weird. Don't ask me why I like them.

3. I like your nose, because when you kiss me, it's stuck on my cheek. And it's sharp. Hihi.

4. I like you feet. I don't even know why. Maybe because of your long toes.

5. I love it when you come and hug me tenderly. It makes me feel safe.

6. I like it when you always look after me, protect me.

7. After some of our fights, when you give in, you made me feel like a princess. You really made me feel happy.

8. I like it when you always give your hand so I can hold them. Shows that you really care about me.

9. Though not much, I love your attention and patience for me. You look so mature with them.

10. I just love the way you love me. Minus the temper and violence.

I guess that'd be all. I apologise in advance if you feel offended reading this. But this is just how i feel. And you know I'm not that good at lying. All I'm saying is no matter how flawed, how bad, how mean you are or anybody, when I love, I don't just love the good things about you. I take everything you have to offer. And I choose to look only on your good side because them bad things about you are not important as long as I know I love you. Or anybody. For me, that is unconditional love. No requirements. No qualifications. Just love.

I dengan You

I tak nak menangis lagi sebab lelaki..
I cannot deal with your temper.
Maybe, cara you cintakan someone tak sama dengan cara I..
I rasa kita terlalu berbeza--

I tak boleh tahan dengan perangai you, yang selalu lukakan hati I..
It seems like you never care about how I feel..
I tried to talk n communicate with you, but somehow most of them end up in vain..

I tak tau, maybe ini dugaan Allah untuk kita sebelum berumahtangga.. Tapi at the same time, with your attitude and treatment towards me, I mula rasa tak selesa, when I have too much doubts in me about you and how are you going to be after we get married.

Will you stay the same - loving me tenderly and never fail to make me laugh? Will you not look at other woman and make them your wedded? Will you wipe my tears whenever I'm in sorrow and in need of your presence to calm me down in your arms? Will you be honest to me no matter how bad and hurtful a matter can be? Will you stay ahead as the family leader and guide our family to the right path?

I tak tahu, I tak yakin, I serba salah.. Kepala I kusut, bercelaru fikirkan tentang ni. Perkara yang paling I mintak supaya tak akan terjadi is that you berhenti menyayangi I and me too, stop loving you. Everytime I look at you when you are asleep, I sedar yang every inch of me is filled with love for you. I tak tahu you, tapi I harap the situation is the same.

I spend half of my night thinking about you - what you do, what you think, where you are, are you awake or asleep... and all sorts of worries come into my mind whenever you play M.I.A with me. For crying out loud, I hate it. Please stop doing it.

I tak nak kecewa lagi, I tak nak sedih tiap2 malam lagi.. I harap you faham keadaan I, for I have had enough of loving and losing, and the hardest part is that I have to go through the trails of memories and that they remind me of yet another failure.

I leave all to the Almighty.
As for you, you are well aware of the things that I want from you - honesty and your heart. No more.

Bad One

I called you yesterday, almost a hundred times and you never picked up. When I got home, you were lying there doing nothing and your phone was just next to you! Can you imagine how I feel? Then rupa2nya you were mad at me for not taking off the waterpipe that the people from water department completely shut down out water supply. You sangat marah that you tak nak pandang muka I pun..

When It's All About ...

Tak boleh kalau tak burukkan dia..


Wtf?? Awak nak bela lagi dia? Tak boleh blah! Awak pun tahu, dah memang perangai dia buruk, cerita2 buruk je la yang awak dengar pasal dia! Awak nak bela dia sangat, sayang dia sangat, awak pergilah kat dia! Pergilah tatang dia! Saya dah naik muak dengan perangai awak yang selalu nak membela dia. Saya bukannya tipu awak, reka cerita pasal dia sebab nak buat awak bencikan dia, saya cuma bagitau awak apa yang saya dengar, saya bagitau awak apa yang betul. Salah ke saya cakap benda yang betul? Seriously, saya tak ada niat apa pun!

Saya rasa apa yang saya dengar dengan apa yang awak dengar lebih kurang je, tentang dia, apa yang dia buat, macam mana perangai dia, life dia macam mana. Come on lah, dia kawan baik saya kot dulu! Segala rahsia dia semua saya tau lah! All her little black secrets! Awak tu yang buta! Sebab tu awak macam tak dapat nak terima, walaupun segala apa yang awak dengar tu benda yang betul! Saya rasa awak sendiri pun tau macam mana perangai dia.

Tapi, the point is here, saya bagitau awak the truth! Saya tak reka cerita! Kalau awak tak boleh terima, then just go back and bear with her! Biar awak sendiri rasa! Saya malas nak kisah! Saya dah bagi awak segala yang saya mampu bagi kat awak, takkan itu tak cukup untuk awak? Masih lagi nak simpan dia, kononnya kenangan lah, apa lah. Awak ingat dia ada fikir nak simpan semua kenangan masa dia dengan awak? I don't think so! Dia sibuk dengan boyfriend baru dia, awak sibuk nak simpan kenangan awak masa awak dengan dia. Kenangan, my foot!!

Permintaan saya sikit je awak, itupun awak cakap saya melampau, selfish! Apa ni? Saya kecik hati tak habis2 bila saya tengok gambar masa zaman2 awak happy dengan dia yang awak simpan sampai sekarang, awak tak ada amik peduli pun! Saya tak suka! Kalau ya pun awak nak simpan, simpan la kat tempat lain, tak payah la letak depan mata saya. Awak sendiri tau hati saya macam mana..

Hollow

When we talked last night, I got a feeling that you will never love me like you loved her. Don't even start with me asking for you to love me more than you loved her. When you tripped over this issue, I somehow feel that she'll always be there, over me. What the hell?

I guess I'm being too gentle with you, that somehow, I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

In case you don't know about it, yes, I went through your status threads, your photo albums in your facebook account, and I've seen those pictures of her on the PC as well as your phone. You still call her baby in your contact! (forgive me, but I am very detail). And it breaks my heart knowing that you still keep her in you. I understand, it's not easy for you to let her go. But if so, what am I doing here? Shouldn't you be forgetting her first then be with me, rather than be with me while forgetting her? That's not fair! When I had you before, I let them go. All my previous partners, I buried them! But you, I don't know, something inside tells me that you still think of her, all about her. No matter what you tell me, I know. I just know.

You don't have to justify the situation and give me reasons why you would never take her back. You can give me millions of reasons, but deep inside, I know you're missing her. How much? That I don't know. I can just hope that you don't do that while you're with me. Gee, if only I can break this curse, I don't have to live like this! Living in guilt and knowing it's eating me day by day.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm the one who isn't over the issue. But tell me, how the hell am I supposed to get over it when I can find her at everywhere? Online, in your phone, even in our room! She is everywhere in our life, in my life! With you! Now, can you imagine just how I feel every time I bump into her stuff? I'm crashed! My heart sinks, my mood spoiled, and the feelings just fly away! And I will have to pretend that I'm OK when you're home, while I actually am hurting inside!

Can you even imagine how I feel when yesterday, I found her stuff in our room? And when it never fails to break me when My baby Muk is still in your phone? She'll always be your baby! Me? A company only, for you, perhaps. (I don't mean to be harsh, but this is just what I feel!)  Because I know I will never be one. Do you deeply love me? Seriously, I can't tell. Do you?

I know, what I'm asking from you is a little too much. Just putting our names together on Facebook is huge, I understand. And all the things you do to prove how much you love me - how you treat me and so on, I can feel that you love me. But something is missing here, I don't know what. I've been searching for the hole, but I can't seem to find it. Though I do love you, but somehow, at the same time, I feel so hollow. So empty. And it's killing me! I don't want to lie, I don't want to hurt you. But this glitch is eating me little by little. And I don't know how to get over it.

Perhaps you're right, I'm the one who hasn't gotten over the past. Why? Because of the fact that I got together with my best friend's ex! That's why! Nobody would ever do that! And if I haven't get over the past, and her, what am I supposed to do? I don't know, what should I do? I tried before, and when i almost succeeded, comes her picture that reminds me how happy you were with her and I ruined all of it! Every finger points at me! I can ignore the thoughts, but until when? Sooner or later I will have to face my demons, get it all done and make it clear! I don't want to live in shadows of guilt for the rest of my life, I want a true peace of mind. And I'm struggling to have one!

Yes, I know you feel that I'm asking too much from you, but who else can I turn to, in this issue, if not you? There was a time when I can't stop thinking of her every time I look at you, and how I wanted for both of you to get together again. But I realise that it will never happen. Why do I want you to be with her again? Because I know you guys love each other! I'm just the third party. I can't believe I'll fall into this trouble when this is what I avoided all my life before I met her and you guys. At some point, I feel like I want to make everything right, although I know it's too late for that. And I can't arrange someone else's life. I know that.

But I still feel guilty!

I think the day you have only me in you and the very day you really forget her is the day I'm waiting for. That day, I guess I'll be satisfied having you by my side. Till then, there is a hole, and it will remain there.

And by the way, I do, love you.

WTF??

Can I name our daughter after Farah? That question stunned me. Aku terkedu. Kenapa? Kenapa mesti ada jugak Farah? Aku ingat dia dah betul2 get over her. Tapi soalan dia buat aku rasa yang dia tak akan lupakan ex dia. Bila dia kata macam tu, aku terfikir yang aku takkan dapat tempat dalam hati dia and I was like, excuse me! Don't I deserve a little dignity here? A little respect please! Bersusah payah aku tatang dia, Farah jugak yang dia nak. I think I have every right to be selfish here!

Nak sangat kat Farah? Ha, pergilah! Ada aku kesah?? Fuck it!

Banyak lagi lelaki kat luar sana yang boleh jaga aku lebih baik dari dia. Silaplah kalau dia fikir aku dia boleh buat sesuka hati macam dulu. Aku bukan barang mainan yang dia boleh simpan buang. Bila teringat, ambik. Bila tak nak, lempar jauh2. Ingat aku tak ada harga diri ke?

Bencilah!

Weaving A Tangled Web

It ended on Mar 8th, and I kept it in my head that I wanted to be alone after that.

And now, I'm not sure whether it's certain or not, we're back together. He starts treating me nice, calling me the name he used to call me with (I think he knows I always love that name. hihi), and he seems to care about me. I know, he does that because he's lonely after she refused him and that I'm around. And I was there when he needs somebody. He starts talking about future again, caress me again, being sweet to me again, and making me feel what I felt 4 months ago (argh!).

But I can't possibly feel the same. Nah, I don't think so.

I'm torn between two; staying or leaving. The past haunts me (every day), and I'm afraid. I don't want it to be the same, it only lasted for a while and the rest is fucked up. I can't really tell whether he does really love me or I'm just a shoulder to cry on, and when the sorrow is over, he stands up to find another woman And I'll beat the crap outta him!). I can't risk my heart to be broken again when he had already broken it so badly before. The reason I stayed and mend him while he's hurt is that I do really care about him (yes, I know he wasn't nice to me before). Though we weren't together, and I didn't plan to get back together, I'll help him to get what he needs and get him back onto his feet.Call me dumb, but that's just what I'll do if he needs it. Even if I know that the chances for me to have his heart wholly is very thin.
But if he says he wants to get back together with me, he better prove himself to me. Don't make me feel like he loves me when he genuinely doesn't (then I will seriously look like a dumb ass).

Why?

Because I've had enough of his lies. He lied to me before (and I didn't like it). In fact, I hated it. Because what I had for him was genuine and honest, but he tore it apart.

What am I doing? Staying with him and making him happy when I don't understand how I feel myself? Am I taking chances? Do I really want to take this risk? Honestly, no. But I can't help it. When I look at him, I just couldn't help it. And yes, the old flame is still there, though not fiery as before, I guess it's enough. He needs someone to soothe him, and though I'm not the one, I try my best to lift him up to the way he was. I don't know, but when I said I don't feel the same to him,I think I hurt him. Or maybe he doesn't give a damn about it. But as for me, I know I'm giving him a second chance. But I don't give him all of me because I know I'm not the one he wants in his heart in the first place.That insecurity still lingers. I don't really know why, perhaps because I'm not pretty enough for him, as she is pretty. And that I'm just another ordinary girl, nothing next to stylish and confident her. She dresses well, always with a pair of nice clothes on her. She carries herself well, and always a centre of attraction. Me? I'm just a plain Jane.


I don't know. Perhaps.

I know he longs for her. If ever he gets her, I will never be in his mind. Assumption? I guess I know so ( I do! she will always be the one!). And his behavior of trying out every chick he can lay his eyes on and getting them (yes, you do Darling). That two things stop me. Every time I look at him, she comes into my head, and how he betrayed he for me and then  made me feel like a schmuck for getting back to her after only three months! Three months! I guess that thought has planted in my brain - that I can never be the one. In case she wants him back, it's a definite certainty he'll be with her. Definitely! I'm just a second choice. In a cruel phrase, a back-up. A Plan-B. A whatever-you-wanna-call-it as long as it's number two.

Because whatever that he's told me before and how cruel he was to me, I still keep it in my mind (yes, I forgive, but I don't forget). How he treated me wrong and so forth. I'm not holding grudge, but I'm just being cautious. It's not easy to take him back when I'm scared of the possibility he will get back to his Playboy style when he's done grieving for losing her. And there might be texts i don't like to read when I found out, and another girl calling me telling stories I don't want to hear. And me? What's left for me? Nothing. Just crying and living my life in disappointment and agony. That's how the story ends.

What's more in the picture? The matter of trust. How can I ever trust him again when he had betrayed me before? Whatever that's around are pieces of it (and I don't want to betrayed twice!). No solid trust for him. All the things that I did to him before, those things that did to prove to him of how much I loved him and how much I cared for him, and how much I wanted to make him happy. But he unfortunately, didn't see that. Unless he can prove to me that he can be faithful, I can't stay with him. Even if I can, it won't be long.

And then comes issue of religion. Me, I want to be a good Muslim, and fulfill my responsibilities as one (poyo je). Though not now, perhaps later on when I have already got a strong ground and knowledge. But him? I don't know. Doesn't he want to be a good Muslim? Later on, I want to get married to someone I love, someone who can guide me to the straight path and together with my spouse, I really want to lead a life with God on the line. Though now I can't call myself a real Muslim, I want to be one. And if God wills it, I want him to be one too, so that if we get together, we'll enjoy living under God's bliss. How great will it be if both of us can live lives according to our religion. But when it comes to this matter, he always disappoints me.

Just like the things I told him on our break-up night, I don't ask for anything. I just want his heart and that he can be transparent-honest to me. I don't like secrets and bad surprises. The rest, we work it out together.

<3 If you ever read this, that's just how I feel. I'm sorry if you feel offended but I don't have the strength to spill all this to you directly.

Father's Day

The day comes again, Father's Day. Everyone's feeling it. Everybody's celebraring the day with their fathers and make the day blissful.

Except me.

When I look at my Facebook homepage and seeing all the wishes activities going on, suddenly I feel so alone. So very alone as if I don't have anybody around. As if I'm in the dark. And at this moment, I just wish that there is someone beside me who I can call Father and I could look into his eyes, hold his hands tight and say; Happy Father's Day, Baba.

Paraíso

Perhentian Island. What a paradise.

It all started when Fae called me after his holidays in Perhentian last week. Listening to his experience there made me want to go there - enthusisatically! So I called a friend and  ask him whether him and another friend are free to come with me to Perhentian and only one of them can make it.  So the journey began from Terminal Putra at 10am on Monday morning, all the way to Kuala Terengganu. Bus riding that lasted for 7 hours! Then I took another bus from there to Kuala Besut jetty for a speed boat ride to the island. Too bad, I was late. Had to spend a night at the jetty. Damn cold!

Met a friend who lives in Setiu and hung out until approx. 4am in the morn, and we talked about things and shared music from our devices. And we were halted by a roadblock where the police officer thought my friends were smuggling me from Thai! I didn't bring my ID along, and he thought I was I Siamese gal! Haha!

The next morning, we (my friend and I) took a speed boat at 9am and boy, was it heaven to catch a sight of the picturesque island. A sigh of relief and satisfaction enveloped both me and my friend. I'v never been to an island as beautiful as this. Tioman? Yes, Tioman wasa beautiful. But this is even better! We sat on the beach, enjoying the beauty of God's creation. Masya-Allah! So beautiful!

Unfortunately, we spent only one night at the beach - Pasir Panjang a.k.a Long Beach. Felt so bad I had to leave the beautiful beach and the blue transparent water and head back to KL. As if I want to stay there and be a beach girl! Haha.

We took a bus from Kuala Besut jetty at 9am the next day and arrive KL at 6pm. Off to work at 8pm! Later at night, I was totally flat. But Perhentian, wait for me, I will coming again soon!

Lone Ranger

Been a month now. And I'm enjoying every second of single life. Though sometimes I feel the loneliness of not having someone who I can share everything, not having one sometimes makes it better. I don't have to cling on someone and talk about everything. I just learn to keep it to myself and solve my own problems myself.

The tests of being single? Loads. Good guys, bad guys, ugly, cute, good looking, young, old; are trying their luck with me. Now that they know I'm not attached to anybody. I get to float quite a number of times. Hehe. I watch every single one of them trying to get my attention - directly, subtly, obviously and some in a very sweet manner. And me watching and enjoying the liberty of being single.

There's this guy, he admits he falls for me after 3 meetings! Unimaginable? For me too, but that's what happened. Katanya, he wants to grow old with me. Then he said he's not trying out to get me, but he likes me. He wants to be my friend forever, and that he started loving me even after a short period of time. He wants to make me happy lah, apa lah. I was like, what the hell? It's only been three days, man! Come on, Things don't happen just like that! You need to be sure of what you're doing. Bukan main langgar je sesuka hati. It  might backfires on you.

Me? I can't take him. Why? One; his thinking doesn't fit mine. Two; he's totally not my type. Three; I'm not looking for another trouble now, lest I get together with him - then I change my mind, we botoh will end up being alone and hurt. I don't want to be hurt again, and I surelyl don't want to hurt another person. So I chose to stick to being friends, which makes  me in an uncomfortable zone when I see him trying his best to get my attention and shower mem with his.

Too bad, I'm not really into relationships now. Hope he understands.

Living

Dah lama tak menulis. Life, macam2 yang jadi kat aku. From the best to the worst, I've got to face it. The best is that I finally get some gumption to realize that men are jerks. Though not all of them are, most of them do suck. From the intelligent ones to those uneducated and narrow-minded. I know that the way people think and speak sometimes annoy me. Especially those who don't think and assume a lot.

Sigh.

After the break-up, I get stories about me being a bad person and simply a  bitch. Where did it come from? My ex-partner. Otak aku tak dapat hadam perangai orang yang bawak mulut and tell stories (which are not true) after a break-up in order to attain others' attention and sympathy. Kononnya they are the victims. WTF? When you're done with someone, just let them go, why the hell would you keep them hanging around you for the sake of you want them to wait for you in case you can't make it with another party? It's like you are using them for your own good and their loss.

Aku tak faham. Seriously, aku tak faham. And when I got back to a used-to-be friend and apologize, not that she forgives me, she even threaten to beat me up because she thinks I stole her ex, or I made him her for me, so to speak. She had him again, then what is the purpose for her to hold grudge? In my view, she should be thankful to me that I helped her to break away from all the sorrow and pain she had when she was with him.

But she didn't see that. What a pity.

I wish she'd realise that her Love is nothing but a pathetic person.

Untuk Kamu

Kamu.
Satu ketika tak pernah ingin
Bukan di damba sang hati
Tak tumpah kasih secangkir;
Bukan kamu.

Tapi cerita singkat berlalu
Dari jauh menyapa syahdu
Minggir tepi aku tak mau
Bimbang ada jiwa disembilu

Pejam mata erat
Agar bisa hati melihat
Bukan rupa jadi pengikat
Dasar kalbu yang memikat

Belum sempa tmenerpa angkasa
Kilat hujung belati menjerumus
Bagai pedang menghiris halus
Menghancur luluh itu kamu.

Left, Abandoned, and All the Things Related.

Last night,
You held me tight and you said you really love me. You said you're going to be sleeping alone in our room and you find the room creepy without me. You said you're going to miss me, my hugs, my scent, my presence. You said you can't give our relation another try because you still have your old flame in your heart that you can't seem to forget. You said I was pushy, I nag at you, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm egoistic. You said, although you do love me, you still want to withdraw from giving us another try to work on this relation.

When I asked you, am I not good enough for you, am I not better than her? You said I am way better than her. But when I asked why do you still want to leave, you said you can't go on with me anymore. When I asked you, why did you think I agreed to be with you? You came before me and held my hands, weave them together with yours, looked at my face and wondered. You did ask why - and I said, I want to make you happy. You were too busy making other people happy that you forget your own happiness. I was around just to make you happy as others don't. You looked at me, with surprised look and you kissed my hand saying thank you for the things that I did.

When I told you about her, what she did to you and what I did to you, I think I know that you know I did better. You know, she was not a good partner for you. But still, you want to return to her. For whatever reason, I don't know.

When I asked you, what did I demand from you? Do I ask for your money? You said no. Then you asked me, what do I want from you? Simple, I just wanted you to be honest with me. But you can't do that.

Last night, it was 8th, our third month anniversary. But on our third month anniversary, you end it and put the deepest hole in my heart. You said you feel like we've been together for so long when it was just three months. I wanted to bring you to the bridge where we shared our first kiss, but on that day you made me feel like a cheap whore.

You said, what you did that day and all the mean things you did to me - you didn't really mean those. You did that because you want to make me hate you. I looked at you, and I said; I never hated any of my exes. And that goes to you too. You just looked at me, speechless. I can never hate you. I know that. I can just put aside my feelings towards you until it eventually fade away. No matter what you do, I'm never going to hate you, in any way.

When we had had our last hand shake and you kissed me, the spark was still there, and I told you, every time you hold me in your arms, I always had that same spark - every single time. We kissed, and I know how much you long to be in my arms. But your ego wins over everything. I cried, even I know it makes me look weak. I want you to know that you are the only person I have in my heart. I told you, I took the risks of losing you when we were an item. I was well aware of the risks but boy, did I ignore it. I tried everything I could to make you happy, to make our relation work. I told you, I've had enough of relationships.

I wanted you to be the last, I don't want any other relationship anymore. I'm sick of trying and trying to work on fresh relationships. I just want to end up with you. I give every effort to please you, to make you comfortable, to ensure that you are happy being with me, but along the tears that are running down my cheeks I said to you; I still lost you. No matter how I tried, I strive, I still lose you. Upon hearing that, you pulled me close to your chest and tried to soothe me. I felt loved, but I know it's empty. Because I know, you were just trying to soothe me and there's nothing more.

You once said, I have my own card that you named me after. And you said no star can shine with a broken heart. You said too, that no matter how mean and bad I was, I still tickle your heart and make you laugh.

I said, if there is still love in us, why can't we give it another try? When I said I'm willing to do anything, I meant it. I will do anything to save this relation from falling apart. Then you said you need some space to think about it over. I told you I can understand that but last night, I can't let you go. I want to be with you, even in the car and it was dawning. I wanted to spend every second I have just to be with you, in your arms and make you smile.

But I realize now, that you are just a phase in my life. You are just another bus that I missed on my journey to happiness.

Harapan Hati

Nyata waras akal tidak dapat tembus
Tebalnya dinding emosi
Biar hati luka, biar jiwa lara
Asal saja dapat kulihat didepan mata
Dapat ku rasa dalam hati
Dapat ku gapai dengan kedua tangan
Kan ku dakap rapat terus ke dada, hati, jiwa & raga
Hanya kata maaf yang mampu diberi
Namun tidak berani ku menabur janji
Kerna diri tidak begitu pasti; akan ketentuan
Mampukah diri jika berjanji?
Namun diri tahu sesungguhnya akan dibukti
Akan diberi padamu segala apa
Ada dalam diri dalam hati;
Setiap titis merahnya darah
Moga dapat kau mengerti
Harga cinta, kasih dan harga diri
Tak mampu ternilaikan wang ringgit
Bila segala apa di dunia tanpa erti kecuali kamu
Beri segala apa jua yg diingin
Disalut - biar bukan emas, bukan berlian
Tapi erti cinta
Ku persembahkan sebenar-benarnya
Tulus sekeping hati menyayangi
Menghargai setiap episod dan memori; setiap inci diri kamu

Maafkan aku.

If You Love Someone Dearly

Tell me..
If you love someone,
would you lie to them?
If you treasure someone,
would you dare to hurt them?

If you love someone,
would you keep secrets from them?
If you appreciate someone,
would you make them cry?

If you love someone,
would you betray them?
If you care about someone,
would you keep them away from yourself?

If you love someone,
would you run from them?
If you love someone,
would you break them?

If you love someone,
why won't you be faithful?
If you love someone,
why would cheat on them?

If you love someone,
why can't you leave all the pleasures that lure you into infidelity?

If you love someone...

Trust Issue Lagi..

I don't trust him. Aku tak tau kenapa, macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, tapi aku susah nak percaya kata2 dia. Buat la apa pun, aku tetap dah tak boleh nak percaya dia. Buat2 percaya je. To think about this, what's the point of staying with him if I don't even trust him? Haha. Soalan cepumas. Aku tengok dia, aku jadi tak sampai hati. Seriously tak sampai hati. Yes, aku tau aku sayang dia. Memang aku sayang dia. Tapi untuk letakkan 100% trust kat dia, no. Never. Aku takkan ulangi silap yang aku buat dulu. Percaya punya percaya, hidup2 aku kena tipu. Memang terbaik lah.

Bila aku tengok dia, aku tau, there's a lot of things that he keeps to himself. All the pain, offences, sacrifices that he actually doesn't have to do to others, aku nampak semua tu. He tries to fulfill everyone's wish and needs, tak kira macam mana pun dia tetap akan cuba penuhi kalo ada orang/kawan yang mintak tolong dia. Itu salah satu persamaan aku dengan dia. (dia yang notice dulu, aku setuju je) Aku tak nak dia bersusah sangat untuk orang lain, bila orang tak appreciate jasa dia. Aku nak tatang dia, nak jaga, treat him right, make him feel comfortable when he's with me. And that aku nak dia sayang aku for who I am. Bukan sebab duit ke, rupa ke apa ke - kalo sebab rupa, tua nanti huduh jugak aku nanti. Dah huduh, dia nak pergi cari yang muda2 pulak? Macam tu? Aih..

Kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, dari segi apa pun, ciri dia memang tak kena dengan aku. Memang totally bukan taste aku. Aku pun reti pilih rupa jugak, bukan main cekup je sapa2 pun. Tak lawa anak2 aku nanti. Haha. Let's see, slanted eyes, bukan taste aku. Aku minat mata bundar/deep eyes. Badan besar, bukan taste aku. Aku suka yang sedang2 je. Kalo muscular tu kira bonus lah. Hihi. Tinggi gila untuk aku, jenuh aku nak sesuaikan diri dengan dia. Tinggi sangat! Aku 160cm. Cari yang dalam 175cm ke, OK lah. Lepas tu, rambut panjang. Memang la aku tak minat, biar rambut tu pendek, nampak kemas. Aku suka+selesa. Dah tu, temper tak ingat. Aku ni lembut, so aku kalo boleh tak nak la lelaki yang jenis kasar/panas baran. Aku cari stok2 yang gentle, tak kasar, suara tak macam petir kat langit nu.

Lagi satu, kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, memang la aku tak ber-partner dengan dia. Sebab? Dia tu ex kawan aku! Mana la aku boleh nak sapu bekas kawan aku (even aku dah buat pun). Rasa bersalah sampai bila2 kot. Dari mula lagi, aku memang tak nak dia. Not him, I wanted the other guy. He fits my type. Mostly. I didn't like him, I wanted to stay away from him. I didn't want to be a backstabber. But he kept chasing over me. Willing to do anything, buy me anything, drive me everywhere. He showed effort. And I'm touched.

Seriously if people ask me how did I end up with him? I'll just tell them it's fate. Ya, fate. I didn't want him in the first place. He craved for me. He always found ways to see me, to hang out with me etc. And when the relationship became so tensed, I gave in; gambled - thinking that this man could be the one for me. This man could give me everything I need. Gila macam mana aku justify perasaan aku, aku manipulate hati aku untuk terima dia and forget the other guy. Guilt is everywhere at first - felt like I'm lying to him about my feelings when I told him I'm falling for him but actually I haven't. I still had feelings for the other guy. Payah sungguh!

I justified everything, manipulated every single teeny weeny feelings so that I can actually really see him as who he is - the Love, attention, affection. How he chased me, how I tried running away, how he seemed so enthusiastic in making me his girl - take a good care of me, tried to give me everything I need, felt like I was a princess then. But, yeah, eventually I melted. After trying hard manipulating myself into loving him, I do now, Love him.

But there's a problem.

I don't trust him! No matter what he does, I can't put total trust on him anymore. He'll have to really prove himself to me, what he's worth of. After what he did to me - all those lies and so on, he'll need to prove that he's the Man! Or else, what will be? Guess we'll just part ways..

Trust..

Baru2 ni aku encountered lie from someone dear. He keeps secrets from me - perhaps sebab dia tak nak lukakan hati aku, or perhaps he simply doesn't want to tell me. Dia keluar, bawak balik ada la sorang minah ni and aku tak tau, and when I get to know about this aku call minah tu suruh dia jangan kacau2 partner aku lagi. Puas tu memang la puas hati, tapi ada lagi satu masalah when it comes to him: I can't trust him anymore, tak boleh. Dia pun sama. Dulu aku boleh pegang phone dia, sekarang dah tukar keypad password - maknanya dia tak percaya aku not checking out his phone data.

While aku, dah pernah kena sekali macam ni where my ex suddenly changed his keypad password, aku lagilah tambah susah nak percaya dia. Aku fikir dan fikir; patut tak aku stay dalam relationship ni lagi or just blah. He's almost perfect (at least to me).. Memang dia bagi aku everything yang aku nak+perlu. Love, affection, less attention, boleh kata semua.. Tapi bila aku fikir rekod dia dengan bekas2 partner dia, aku jadi takut sangat nak letak seluruh kepercayaan kat dia. Aku sendiri tak tau kenapa. Maybe sebab dia dah tipu aku, even baru 2 bulan aku ber-partner dengan dia. Tapi kalau nak fikir positif pulak, dia bagi everything kat aku.. except - honesty. Pure honesty. Macam apa yang aku bagi kat dia. Tak pernah sekali pun aku tipu dia, nak pergi mana pun aku bagitau - sebelum atau selepas aktiviti aku yang dia tak ada terlibat.

Aku selalu fikir - why do people lie to their loved ones? kenapa? kalau nak jaga hati, bila eventually orang tu dapat tau jugak, won't things just get worse? Why can't you just tell the truth? It's not really a hard thing to do. People will feel better if you yourself tell the truth rather than dapat tau dari sumber lain.. Lagi hurt. Sakit wo.. Hati manusia bukan mainan, boleh sesuka hati je nak buat macam mana pun. Nak, ambik. Tak nak, tolak tepi. Apa erti ber-partner kalo tak boleh nak jujur+sincere? Ingat kapel2 ni main2 ke? Kalo niat kat hati tu nak main2, jangan gatal nak berkapel la. Skandal sudahh.. Takpun come clear that you don't want to be attached. Takdelah lukakan perasaan orang.

Bila dah declare partner, tu bukan makna nak commit ke? Kenapa ramai orang susah nak nampak yang hubungan bukan mainan? Hubungan bukan something that you can treat as pitstops. Relationships are serious, even as friends. Apatah lagi kalo ber-couple. Dah nama pun kekasih, tak kasih ke kat partner, sampai boleh tipu2? Kenapa kalau just nak berkawan tipu2? Just tell the truth la, if you want to be friends with anybody. Nobody would mind that. Everybody has friends (unless the partner is a jealous freak who wants to keep you under her blouse). There's nothing wrong about having friends, as long as you tell the truth. Tak ada sapa nak marah.

I've seen so many relationships that have lies in them, keeping secrets from partners, fiancees, spouses.. Kenapa mau tipu ha? Aku tak boleh hadam part ni. Otak aku jammed bila orang kata tipu sikit2 je, nak jaga hati.. White lies. You tell white lies during crucial moments that you know the truth will make your partner shrink with pain. You don't just sipmly tell white lies. Everybody knows that one lie leads to another and you'd have to create a whole new story to cover the truth. Kalau tak pandai buat cerita, tak lama kantoi lah.. Daripada kantoi, kan ke lebih baik kalo tak tipu dari awal2 lagi? Hidup senang, hati lapang, kepala pun tak pening nak jawab soalan2 untuk fix loose ends..

Aku tau, aku pun pernah menipu. Aku tipu and aku dah rasa macam mana keadaan bila kantoi. Kantoi bukan sikit2, kantoi best gila dengan mak aku. So, aku dah tak nak tipu sangat2 dah.. Tengok keadaan, bila rasa tipu takkan kantoi baru aku berani menipu. If not, just tell the truth. Simple. Bila rasa the truth boleh bagi kesan tak baik kat aku+life+family+future aku,baru aku menipu - in terms of tak jawab soalan2 cepumas yang orang2 tanya kat aku. Malulah kalo orang tau aku punya little black secret. Tapi itu aku tipu outsiders, bukan kat orang yang dekat dengan hati aku.

Thinking that a partner is not capable of telling the truth buat aku fikir, macam mana aku nak teruskan hidup - spend the rest of my life dengan the other half bila dia tak mau share dengan aku what he does everyday, who he meets, what happens etc. Susah untuk aku hidup dengan orang yang kuat berahsia, sebab aku bukan jenis macam tu. Whatever you feel, just feel free to express it. Happy, sad, frustrated, down - bukan time marah je baru nak express feeling. That's not fair, and the relationship will be nothing but a dull one. No laughs, no tears, no persuasion.. no nothing. Empty. Bila marah baru nampak ada sikit colours dalam relation. Takkanlah hari2 pun mau marah je.. haru biru relation kalo camtu.

Lies. Kenapa mesti tipu? Kenapa mesti simpan something tak bagi partner tau? Bila simpan2 rahsia kat diri sendiri - then you burst and the partner gets to know everything in a not so appropriate way. Dapat tau owh, dia tak suka aku macam ni, macam tu.. Takkan nak tunggu sampai macam tu sekali? That is not right. Talk, and when you talk, don't just talk bullshit - talk about good things, bad things, dissatisfaction, tell your partner what you want from them, and don't forget to ask what do they want from you. Relationships are supposed to be mutual - gives and takes, tolerance, trust, understanding each other. Kalo tak balance, kan namanya relation tu tak healthy? Serupa jugak dengan kawan2, mutualism. Imagine simple thing - drive kereta; kalo tak tekan minyak, kereta tak jalan, bila kereta tak jalan, kita tak sampai kat tempat yang kita nak pergi.. Sama jugak macam relationships. You need something and at the same time you need to give something as well.

Orang selalu kata, kalo you tak trust yor partner, might as well blah je. Tapi dalam kes aku, even aku tak percaya langsung kat dia, aku sibuk justify. Tell myself that it's just me being prepared if in case he cheats on me in the future. Tapi sampai bila aku nak macam ni? Sampai bila aku nak live in shadows? Aku sedar yang bila aku rasa unable to trust him when it comes to other women, aku taku sebenarnya. Aku taku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang lagi sebab perempuan lain. Otak aku memang boleh hadam kalo aku bukan jodoh dia, tapi aku rasa kalo lah jadi lagi dia curang dengan perempuan lain, maknanya 3x aku kena tipu, kena main, bf aku kena rampas or that he himself who wants to do that behind me, get entertainment from another woman. If that happens again, aku rasa aku tak terima lelaki dalam hidup aku dah kot (unless jodoh aku sampai). Takut, seriously takut.

Bila truth is replaced by lies, and when it all comes out - trust is not in the couple portrait anymore. The relationship will be shadowed by insecurity, suspicion, control etc. Sangatlah susah when you betray someone and they stick with you - there's no way you can earn their trust in say, a few days? No. You'll have to prove yourself. Show them that you can actually be trusted and that you won't ever lie again in the future. And, in order to do that, you'll need to answer each question honestly, report what you do to them, spend more quality time with them, show them you love+appreciate them. If you're lucky and you love that someone whom you never want to let go, they'll take you back. If not, you'll just prove yourself to another partner of yours.

Relationships are not simple. They require efforts, and those efforts we all make as partners will determine how the relationship will be - good, bad, serious, fun, loving, tensed, or just plain bland. Threats (of being dishonest, infidel) from the people around are just tests, to see for yourself whether or not you are a faithful partner. It's up to you to give in or wipe them off your shirt. If you treasure your relationship with your partner, avoid hurting her by telling lies (which she will find out sooner or later).

I read something from a book that says;

A liar isn't always a cheater, but a cheater is always a liar.

:cheers:

A Conversation, A Warning, Whatever You Wanna Call It.

There's this girl who has been bugging my Darl (I think it was her, not him) and doesn't seem to want to step back, even she knows he's attached. So I called her, tell her how she has to stay away from my boyfriend and leave him alone. Then I texted her further asking her to back down. Here goes..


Me:: Lia, I call U tadi. I'm his girlfriend, he's not with Farah anymore. I hope U faham kenapa I call U tadi, and I hope U tak besarkan hal ni kat office. I did that because I don't want just friends become another story. I really hope U faham pasal ni and keep this between us. I just don't want to lose him. Please..


Her:: Who are U actually? I'm not interested in making enemy. About Nazim, we're just friends. Don't worry. I'll keep my promise that i'll stay away from him. U take care gurl. Godbless


Me:: I'm his girlfriend. And he's been lying about his activities with U guys. As a woman, I think U could understand. Appreciate your consideration. Good day


Her:: Lying about his activities? What it supposes to mean? I didn't get it. But I don't blame U. Plus, i don't want to involve in this shit. I'm not a desperate bitch..


Me:: I know. But shit happens. I called U because I've talked to him about this, but nothing happened. I'm pretty much in the dark, everyone in S*G thinks he's still with Farah, only a few know he's with me now. And I can't afford to face another infidelity.


Her:: Sorry to say, i don't give a damn. We're just friends. U can have Nazim of yours back K. Please just stop disturbung me. I'm too old to involve in this 'lovey dovey' thing..


Me:: Give a damn or not, I'm just being cautious. U don't know him, and his capabilities. One thing I ask from U, please keep our conversation discreet and be ethical on being a friend. Thanks for understanding.


Her:: Anything U wish gurl. I think we should stop here. Stop calling and texting me. I don't want this shit spoil my good life. Enuf said. Bye.


Me:: Yah. Stop clinging on my boyfriend as well. U have a pleasant day.


Her:: I think U need psychology therapy badly. U outta control. U too have a good day. Take care of your boyfriend. Bye


Me:: Nope. I don't. Just looking after what's mine. U don't even know me. So quit judging. I asked for a simple thing. Leave him alone. Not a tough thing to do right? Cheers


Aannddd she didn't reply.


Why I did this? I'm really not sure why, but what I know is that I have to defend, take care, look after or whatever they wanna call it - of the thing, or the person that I treasure, that I love. I had enough real horror experience about guys cheating on me. And this guy, although I know he's got the word infidel in his love resume, I was keen to give it a try, lest I may change him into a better person. I can just try, give it my real effort, blood and sweat so he could realize how cheating is simply unacceptable under any circumstances in love. Not one.


Nevertheless, all I can do is try and hope he'd change. Pray The Almighty.


Then, the morning after those text replies, she text me again - asking who I really was. I've told her in the previous conversation but she didn't seem to get it. Quite a slow learner I'd say. So, here goes..

Her:: What are u trying to talk to me last night? You called me at 4.30am and if you’re not Farah, who are you actually?

Me:: It’s not important who I am, if he tells you he’s with Farah, he is then..

Her:: Huh? I didn’t get what you mean. You know what. I think Farah is better than you. Enuf said. I don’t think I should stop be friends with Nazim coz he’s FRIEND of mine

Me:: Well, if you really want to know, Farah is history. He is now with me. That’s why i’m the one who called instead of Farah.

Her:: So who are you?

Me:: No need to know lah.. When it’s time, we’ll get to know each other..  sooner or later..

Her:: What do you mean sooner or later? Why you wanna meet me? How did you get my number btw?

Me:: I know what a woman should do when she feels threaten. If we get a chance to meet, you’ll get to know me. If not, you just know me as Nazim’s girl..

Her:: Threaten? Make it simple K. You are Nazim’s gurl and I’m just his friend. So?

Me:: Fine lah.. You’re his friend. But I don’t want to hear you guys hangout at nights etc. I’ve had nuff women stealing my boyfriend.

Her:: Stealing your bf? Haha. What a joke. I’m not interested in making commitment. Enuf said

Me:: I’m not saying you are stealing him. Like I said, I’m being cautious. Now that you know his girlfriend minds about you hanging out with him at nights, I suppose you should respect that.

Her:: We are from different background, different brain. If I said he’s my friend, he’ll be forever. I know my gap and I got pride. You should respect it. That’s the difference between me and you. Clear?

Me:: Whatever makes you sleep at night honey. We’re done here. You get what I mean and I understand you enough. Let’s put a stone here.

Her:: I’m done too. So it’s my right to be friend with anyone I want and you have right to control your Nazim. Enuf said. Learn to be unique. Sweet dream. Bye

Me:: You too. Just a little reminder: know your limits.. Thanks for understanding. Nite..

I guess I made it clear to her that I don't want her to anywhere near my guy. I know some may see this as a stupid2 action, but I need to do something to not lose again. I know she's wealthy, but another thing I know that I'm ten times better than her in any way, except money. (a bit exaggeration though)

Yes, he's mad. He's mad that what I did may jeopardize his reputation at work since they are colleagues. I know that, but I didn't see any other way. She seems to be calling him and always texting him at nights. At nights! Now that's one thing I cannot accept. She knows he's attached and still she looks for him. What kind of desperate is she? Isn't there any eligible bachelor who's not attached at work, that she still looks for him?

What a despicable species.

Battle Hopper

Hari ni, tak pergi kelas.. tidur sampai lebam kat rumah Pak Jay. Bangun, Darl nak pergi kerja dia hantar aku balik rumah, aku tanya petnag ni ambik aku tak, dia kata 'ye, nanti petna gbalik kerja I amik U' then dia terus pergi kerja. Petang, aku tunggu2 dia datang - dari pukul 6 petang aku tunggu sampai la pukul 7. Bila aku call dia tak angkat, dua kali aku call, then mesej lepas tu aku call lagi sekali baru dia angkat. Aku tanya, 'u datang amik I tak?' Suara dia dengar macam tegang gila, macam tengah bengang/marah. Marah aku sebab tanya pasal dia datang ke tak aku pun tak tau la..

Tadi siang aku tinggal laptop kat rumah Pak Jay, ingatkan nak mintak tolong dia formatkan laptop aku masuk Windows 7 tapi bila aku tanya Darl tadi, dia kata 'Jay tak buat lagi, kan dia kerja?' aku tau la dia kerja, aku tanya je kot. Takkan la nak tanya pun tak boleh sampai dia nak marah2 aku? Salah ke aku nak tanya? Entah kenapa aku sedih sangat bila dia marah2 aku macam tu tadi, rasa macam aku ni tah sapa2 je yang tanya dia pasal hal peribadi yang buat dia marah. Tak boleh ke dia cakap baik2? Aku ni dah la hati tisu, lagi2 dengan dia, orang yang paling dekat dalam hati aku, mestila aku expect dia at least cakap tak menengking-nengking dengan aku. Terasa sungguh lah..

Aku nak jumpa dia, itu pun tak boleh jugak? Aih...tak tau la aku macam mana nak handle lelaki sorang ni.. Kenapa lelaki pun ada mood swings ha? Aku ingat orang pompuan je yang selalu ada mood swings. Kalo ye pun tengah marah, jangan la lepas kat aku. Aku tatau pape, call2 terus dapat tengking dia. Ikut hati nak aje aku marah balik, tapi aku tau api tak boleh bagi minyak, so aku diam je. Cari rokok, lepas tension hisap rokok kat luar.

Dok kat luar, aku tengok je motor dia yang ada dia tinggal kat rumah - Battle Hopper. Aku naik motor tu, tatau kenapa tiba2 aku rasa sedih sangat bila teringat kat dia. And entah la jugak kenapa aku rasa macam motor tu paham aku (macam orang la pulak) tengah sedih pasal tuan dia buat hal. Aku hisap rokok atas motor tu, habis hisap rokok, aku peluk motor tu menangis mengadu kat dia. Entah gila apa buat aku sampai boleh pergi mengadu kat motor. Tapi tulah, aku rasa macam motor tu hidup - macam ada soul.

Duduk lama kat atas motor tu, aku still megharap kat dia untuk datang and I can see him. But I think that is just a mere empty hope. Deep inside, amongst hopes for him, aku tau dia takkan datang kat aku malam ni. Aku berfikir sendiri, apa la yang dia buat sampai aku call pun tak angkat, mesej aku hantar pun tak berbalas. Sibuk sangat ke pun sampai a single text saying that he's busy pun tak boleh reply?

Sedih la. Adoi...

Bila datang situation macam ni, aku mula la fikir bukan2.. Tak la sampai aku nak doubt dia, tapi after all those things yang jadi kat aku dengan lelaki2 sebelum ni buat aku jadi takut - takut dicurangi lagi sekali. Aku takut aku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang..lagi sekali. Aku tak sanggup.

Malam ni, aku buat kerja gila bila frust dengan bf sendiri - pergi mengadu kat motor dia yang aku rasa macam ada soul. seolah-olah motor tu faham dengan keadaan aku - miserable sangat2 malam ni.

Gila ke aku?
Berfikir atas motor..

Benar Ku Mencintaimu <3

Night, while FB-ing aku terjumpa satu lagu by Anang - Separuh Jiwaku Pergi. Painful man, the message delivers smoothly that the partner cheats on him - Kris with another guy. Seems like he's fallen hard.

Talk about infidelity and cheating, aku dah masak (rasanya da cukup pengalaman) dengan perangai lelaki yang suka hati dorang je nak curang. Kenapa mesti berlaku curang kalo y'all dah pilih untuk commit dengan somebody? Takkan cinta yang dijaja semua tu tipu je? Kalo tipu je macam mana they all look into some girl's eyes and say I Love You? Weird. (because I can't)

But then, betullah kalo sesetengah orang cakap ada lelaki & ada permpuan yang tak ada hati perut. Bila Love Proverbs say 'Be with a person who loves you, not the person you love', still ada yang tinggalkan a good2 lover for another man/woman. Aku berfikir sendiri, kenapa semua ni jadi? Kenapa commit to a perfectly sacred bond and then betray it?

Walaupun nisbah yang curang/tipu ni lebih kurang je between lelaki+perempuan (aku rasa la) tapi yang selalu di highlight orang - lelaki. Sebab? Haa..lelaki yang banyak rosakkan perempuan bila commit in a relatonship. In terms of physically and emotionally as they sleep with the woman and leaves..

Damn it really hurts (for whoever has experience it, they know, I guess..)

Who Am I?

Pagi ni, lepas aku visit ada satu kawan aku punya blog, ada dia buat personality test ni.. tiba2 aku tergerak hati nak buat test ni jugak..and here's the answer..can't really tell whether they're accurate or not..sebab aku ni manusia yang berubah2 emosi+pemikirannya..so, nothing much that I can say.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/


Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

All-new year, All-new hopes.

2010. Sigh.. tak tau la apa nak di buat dengan tahun baru ni. Apa yang dah jadi tahun lepas buat aku tak ada mood nak sambut tahun baru ni. And seriously, aku macam tak rasa 2009. Feels like I was just blinking even macam2 benda jadi tahun lepas. Rasa macam nak reminisce balik pun ada. Mmm..

Let's see..

Awal tahun start semester macam biasa, and I was so really in love with my ex-boyfriend. And then on 28th of February (yes, I remember) I found his texting with another woman, bersayang2, ber-rindu2 plus siap ada gambar that woman lagi in his phone. I cried like hell and wonder why the fish he does that to me sedangkan I've done almost everything for him. Aku memang rasa macam mana keadaan frust menonggeng, makan tak lalu, mandi tak basah, tido pun tak berapa nak lena. Dalam masa 3 bulan, aku habiskan masa aku dengan pegi club, isap rokok macam nak gila sampai nak temuntah2 pastu study pun entah ke mana. Puas orang kat keliling aku nasihat lah, support lah, marah pun ada. Sebab? aku tak dapat nak lupakan dia. Siot betul.

And then, further in the year..

Pertangahan tahun, Mama kena post kat Perlis. OK la jugak, pasal aku fikir dia dapat tukar angin lepak kerja kat tempat yang can soothe her mind. When she's there, aku kat sini terus meronggeng almost every night dengan my clubbing partner, Dinda and sometimes Frankie - some guy who I stupidly thought can care for me. But he's just merely a stop-by.
And then.. by mid July aku dikenalkan oleh kawan aku Farah kat sorang mamat ni. We clicked well, he tells stories about his life and me listening. Then, after quite sometime (a few days only actually) we became an item, aku yang pop the question. Dia setuju. It went well until Ramadhan. Bila aku dapat tahu there's another woman. Aku confront dia, but he managed to get away with good excuses..
Until that another woman approached me on Facebook. We connect and tell the truth to each other. Tak disangka2, start dari bulan Ramadhan dia dah bercouple dengan perempuan tu, dan selama tu lah, dia tipu aku. By end of October, aku dapat strength untuk tinggal penipu tu (thanks to friends who cared and advised) and just get along with work, friends and new friends.

Then something about me and the abang angkat guy where there's this day when he confessed he wanted me to be his partner. Aku refuse mulanya, tapi bila aku nampak ada kesungguhan kat dia, aku fikir2..what the hell, just get on with it if he can make me happy. Cumanya, the ex kawan aku (or used to be lah) and dia berkata-kata yang aku ini the backstabber where aku sanggup rampas her fiancee. Mm.. aku tak tau lah nak cakap apa, cuma yang aku tau aku tak buat dia curang or tinggalkan the ex untuk aku. He just did that and sometime after the break-up we were together. Well, long as I'm happy aku tak nak bother pasal orang lain kecuali yang baik dengan aku, yang care about me. Those are enough for me.

New Year Eve - aku kerjaaaa....  *sigh*