Lone Ranger

Been a month now. And I'm enjoying every second of single life. Though sometimes I feel the loneliness of not having someone who I can share everything, not having one sometimes makes it better. I don't have to cling on someone and talk about everything. I just learn to keep it to myself and solve my own problems myself.

The tests of being single? Loads. Good guys, bad guys, ugly, cute, good looking, young, old; are trying their luck with me. Now that they know I'm not attached to anybody. I get to float quite a number of times. Hehe. I watch every single one of them trying to get my attention - directly, subtly, obviously and some in a very sweet manner. And me watching and enjoying the liberty of being single.

There's this guy, he admits he falls for me after 3 meetings! Unimaginable? For me too, but that's what happened. Katanya, he wants to grow old with me. Then he said he's not trying out to get me, but he likes me. He wants to be my friend forever, and that he started loving me even after a short period of time. He wants to make me happy lah, apa lah. I was like, what the hell? It's only been three days, man! Come on, Things don't happen just like that! You need to be sure of what you're doing. Bukan main langgar je sesuka hati. It  might backfires on you.

Me? I can't take him. Why? One; his thinking doesn't fit mine. Two; he's totally not my type. Three; I'm not looking for another trouble now, lest I get together with him - then I change my mind, we botoh will end up being alone and hurt. I don't want to be hurt again, and I surelyl don't want to hurt another person. So I chose to stick to being friends, which makes  me in an uncomfortable zone when I see him trying his best to get my attention and shower mem with his.

Too bad, I'm not really into relationships now. Hope he understands.

Living

Dah lama tak menulis. Life, macam2 yang jadi kat aku. From the best to the worst, I've got to face it. The best is that I finally get some gumption to realize that men are jerks. Though not all of them are, most of them do suck. From the intelligent ones to those uneducated and narrow-minded. I know that the way people think and speak sometimes annoy me. Especially those who don't think and assume a lot.

Sigh.

After the break-up, I get stories about me being a bad person and simply a  bitch. Where did it come from? My ex-partner. Otak aku tak dapat hadam perangai orang yang bawak mulut and tell stories (which are not true) after a break-up in order to attain others' attention and sympathy. Kononnya they are the victims. WTF? When you're done with someone, just let them go, why the hell would you keep them hanging around you for the sake of you want them to wait for you in case you can't make it with another party? It's like you are using them for your own good and their loss.

Aku tak faham. Seriously, aku tak faham. And when I got back to a used-to-be friend and apologize, not that she forgives me, she even threaten to beat me up because she thinks I stole her ex, or I made him her for me, so to speak. She had him again, then what is the purpose for her to hold grudge? In my view, she should be thankful to me that I helped her to break away from all the sorrow and pain she had when she was with him.

But she didn't see that. What a pity.

I wish she'd realise that her Love is nothing but a pathetic person.

Untuk Kamu

Kamu.
Satu ketika tak pernah ingin
Bukan di damba sang hati
Tak tumpah kasih secangkir;
Bukan kamu.

Tapi cerita singkat berlalu
Dari jauh menyapa syahdu
Minggir tepi aku tak mau
Bimbang ada jiwa disembilu

Pejam mata erat
Agar bisa hati melihat
Bukan rupa jadi pengikat
Dasar kalbu yang memikat

Belum sempa tmenerpa angkasa
Kilat hujung belati menjerumus
Bagai pedang menghiris halus
Menghancur luluh itu kamu.

Left, Abandoned, and All the Things Related.

Last night,
You held me tight and you said you really love me. You said you're going to be sleeping alone in our room and you find the room creepy without me. You said you're going to miss me, my hugs, my scent, my presence. You said you can't give our relation another try because you still have your old flame in your heart that you can't seem to forget. You said I was pushy, I nag at you, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm egoistic. You said, although you do love me, you still want to withdraw from giving us another try to work on this relation.

When I asked you, am I not good enough for you, am I not better than her? You said I am way better than her. But when I asked why do you still want to leave, you said you can't go on with me anymore. When I asked you, why did you think I agreed to be with you? You came before me and held my hands, weave them together with yours, looked at my face and wondered. You did ask why - and I said, I want to make you happy. You were too busy making other people happy that you forget your own happiness. I was around just to make you happy as others don't. You looked at me, with surprised look and you kissed my hand saying thank you for the things that I did.

When I told you about her, what she did to you and what I did to you, I think I know that you know I did better. You know, she was not a good partner for you. But still, you want to return to her. For whatever reason, I don't know.

When I asked you, what did I demand from you? Do I ask for your money? You said no. Then you asked me, what do I want from you? Simple, I just wanted you to be honest with me. But you can't do that.

Last night, it was 8th, our third month anniversary. But on our third month anniversary, you end it and put the deepest hole in my heart. You said you feel like we've been together for so long when it was just three months. I wanted to bring you to the bridge where we shared our first kiss, but on that day you made me feel like a cheap whore.

You said, what you did that day and all the mean things you did to me - you didn't really mean those. You did that because you want to make me hate you. I looked at you, and I said; I never hated any of my exes. And that goes to you too. You just looked at me, speechless. I can never hate you. I know that. I can just put aside my feelings towards you until it eventually fade away. No matter what you do, I'm never going to hate you, in any way.

When we had had our last hand shake and you kissed me, the spark was still there, and I told you, every time you hold me in your arms, I always had that same spark - every single time. We kissed, and I know how much you long to be in my arms. But your ego wins over everything. I cried, even I know it makes me look weak. I want you to know that you are the only person I have in my heart. I told you, I took the risks of losing you when we were an item. I was well aware of the risks but boy, did I ignore it. I tried everything I could to make you happy, to make our relation work. I told you, I've had enough of relationships.

I wanted you to be the last, I don't want any other relationship anymore. I'm sick of trying and trying to work on fresh relationships. I just want to end up with you. I give every effort to please you, to make you comfortable, to ensure that you are happy being with me, but along the tears that are running down my cheeks I said to you; I still lost you. No matter how I tried, I strive, I still lose you. Upon hearing that, you pulled me close to your chest and tried to soothe me. I felt loved, but I know it's empty. Because I know, you were just trying to soothe me and there's nothing more.

You once said, I have my own card that you named me after. And you said no star can shine with a broken heart. You said too, that no matter how mean and bad I was, I still tickle your heart and make you laugh.

I said, if there is still love in us, why can't we give it another try? When I said I'm willing to do anything, I meant it. I will do anything to save this relation from falling apart. Then you said you need some space to think about it over. I told you I can understand that but last night, I can't let you go. I want to be with you, even in the car and it was dawning. I wanted to spend every second I have just to be with you, in your arms and make you smile.

But I realize now, that you are just a phase in my life. You are just another bus that I missed on my journey to happiness.

Harapan Hati

Nyata waras akal tidak dapat tembus
Tebalnya dinding emosi
Biar hati luka, biar jiwa lara
Asal saja dapat kulihat didepan mata
Dapat ku rasa dalam hati
Dapat ku gapai dengan kedua tangan
Kan ku dakap rapat terus ke dada, hati, jiwa & raga
Hanya kata maaf yang mampu diberi
Namun tidak berani ku menabur janji
Kerna diri tidak begitu pasti; akan ketentuan
Mampukah diri jika berjanji?
Namun diri tahu sesungguhnya akan dibukti
Akan diberi padamu segala apa
Ada dalam diri dalam hati;
Setiap titis merahnya darah
Moga dapat kau mengerti
Harga cinta, kasih dan harga diri
Tak mampu ternilaikan wang ringgit
Bila segala apa di dunia tanpa erti kecuali kamu
Beri segala apa jua yg diingin
Disalut - biar bukan emas, bukan berlian
Tapi erti cinta
Ku persembahkan sebenar-benarnya
Tulus sekeping hati menyayangi
Menghargai setiap episod dan memori; setiap inci diri kamu

Maafkan aku.

If You Love Someone Dearly

Tell me..
If you love someone,
would you lie to them?
If you treasure someone,
would you dare to hurt them?

If you love someone,
would you keep secrets from them?
If you appreciate someone,
would you make them cry?

If you love someone,
would you betray them?
If you care about someone,
would you keep them away from yourself?

If you love someone,
would you run from them?
If you love someone,
would you break them?

If you love someone,
why won't you be faithful?
If you love someone,
why would cheat on them?

If you love someone,
why can't you leave all the pleasures that lure you into infidelity?

If you love someone...

Trust Issue Lagi..

I don't trust him. Aku tak tau kenapa, macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, tapi aku susah nak percaya kata2 dia. Buat la apa pun, aku tetap dah tak boleh nak percaya dia. Buat2 percaya je. To think about this, what's the point of staying with him if I don't even trust him? Haha. Soalan cepumas. Aku tengok dia, aku jadi tak sampai hati. Seriously tak sampai hati. Yes, aku tau aku sayang dia. Memang aku sayang dia. Tapi untuk letakkan 100% trust kat dia, no. Never. Aku takkan ulangi silap yang aku buat dulu. Percaya punya percaya, hidup2 aku kena tipu. Memang terbaik lah.

Bila aku tengok dia, aku tau, there's a lot of things that he keeps to himself. All the pain, offences, sacrifices that he actually doesn't have to do to others, aku nampak semua tu. He tries to fulfill everyone's wish and needs, tak kira macam mana pun dia tetap akan cuba penuhi kalo ada orang/kawan yang mintak tolong dia. Itu salah satu persamaan aku dengan dia. (dia yang notice dulu, aku setuju je) Aku tak nak dia bersusah sangat untuk orang lain, bila orang tak appreciate jasa dia. Aku nak tatang dia, nak jaga, treat him right, make him feel comfortable when he's with me. And that aku nak dia sayang aku for who I am. Bukan sebab duit ke, rupa ke apa ke - kalo sebab rupa, tua nanti huduh jugak aku nanti. Dah huduh, dia nak pergi cari yang muda2 pulak? Macam tu? Aih..

Kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, dari segi apa pun, ciri dia memang tak kena dengan aku. Memang totally bukan taste aku. Aku pun reti pilih rupa jugak, bukan main cekup je sapa2 pun. Tak lawa anak2 aku nanti. Haha. Let's see, slanted eyes, bukan taste aku. Aku minat mata bundar/deep eyes. Badan besar, bukan taste aku. Aku suka yang sedang2 je. Kalo muscular tu kira bonus lah. Hihi. Tinggi gila untuk aku, jenuh aku nak sesuaikan diri dengan dia. Tinggi sangat! Aku 160cm. Cari yang dalam 175cm ke, OK lah. Lepas tu, rambut panjang. Memang la aku tak minat, biar rambut tu pendek, nampak kemas. Aku suka+selesa. Dah tu, temper tak ingat. Aku ni lembut, so aku kalo boleh tak nak la lelaki yang jenis kasar/panas baran. Aku cari stok2 yang gentle, tak kasar, suara tak macam petir kat langit nu.

Lagi satu, kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, memang la aku tak ber-partner dengan dia. Sebab? Dia tu ex kawan aku! Mana la aku boleh nak sapu bekas kawan aku (even aku dah buat pun). Rasa bersalah sampai bila2 kot. Dari mula lagi, aku memang tak nak dia. Not him, I wanted the other guy. He fits my type. Mostly. I didn't like him, I wanted to stay away from him. I didn't want to be a backstabber. But he kept chasing over me. Willing to do anything, buy me anything, drive me everywhere. He showed effort. And I'm touched.

Seriously if people ask me how did I end up with him? I'll just tell them it's fate. Ya, fate. I didn't want him in the first place. He craved for me. He always found ways to see me, to hang out with me etc. And when the relationship became so tensed, I gave in; gambled - thinking that this man could be the one for me. This man could give me everything I need. Gila macam mana aku justify perasaan aku, aku manipulate hati aku untuk terima dia and forget the other guy. Guilt is everywhere at first - felt like I'm lying to him about my feelings when I told him I'm falling for him but actually I haven't. I still had feelings for the other guy. Payah sungguh!

I justified everything, manipulated every single teeny weeny feelings so that I can actually really see him as who he is - the Love, attention, affection. How he chased me, how I tried running away, how he seemed so enthusiastic in making me his girl - take a good care of me, tried to give me everything I need, felt like I was a princess then. But, yeah, eventually I melted. After trying hard manipulating myself into loving him, I do now, Love him.

But there's a problem.

I don't trust him! No matter what he does, I can't put total trust on him anymore. He'll have to really prove himself to me, what he's worth of. After what he did to me - all those lies and so on, he'll need to prove that he's the Man! Or else, what will be? Guess we'll just part ways..

Trust..

Baru2 ni aku encountered lie from someone dear. He keeps secrets from me - perhaps sebab dia tak nak lukakan hati aku, or perhaps he simply doesn't want to tell me. Dia keluar, bawak balik ada la sorang minah ni and aku tak tau, and when I get to know about this aku call minah tu suruh dia jangan kacau2 partner aku lagi. Puas tu memang la puas hati, tapi ada lagi satu masalah when it comes to him: I can't trust him anymore, tak boleh. Dia pun sama. Dulu aku boleh pegang phone dia, sekarang dah tukar keypad password - maknanya dia tak percaya aku not checking out his phone data.

While aku, dah pernah kena sekali macam ni where my ex suddenly changed his keypad password, aku lagilah tambah susah nak percaya dia. Aku fikir dan fikir; patut tak aku stay dalam relationship ni lagi or just blah. He's almost perfect (at least to me).. Memang dia bagi aku everything yang aku nak+perlu. Love, affection, less attention, boleh kata semua.. Tapi bila aku fikir rekod dia dengan bekas2 partner dia, aku jadi takut sangat nak letak seluruh kepercayaan kat dia. Aku sendiri tak tau kenapa. Maybe sebab dia dah tipu aku, even baru 2 bulan aku ber-partner dengan dia. Tapi kalau nak fikir positif pulak, dia bagi everything kat aku.. except - honesty. Pure honesty. Macam apa yang aku bagi kat dia. Tak pernah sekali pun aku tipu dia, nak pergi mana pun aku bagitau - sebelum atau selepas aktiviti aku yang dia tak ada terlibat.

Aku selalu fikir - why do people lie to their loved ones? kenapa? kalau nak jaga hati, bila eventually orang tu dapat tau jugak, won't things just get worse? Why can't you just tell the truth? It's not really a hard thing to do. People will feel better if you yourself tell the truth rather than dapat tau dari sumber lain.. Lagi hurt. Sakit wo.. Hati manusia bukan mainan, boleh sesuka hati je nak buat macam mana pun. Nak, ambik. Tak nak, tolak tepi. Apa erti ber-partner kalo tak boleh nak jujur+sincere? Ingat kapel2 ni main2 ke? Kalo niat kat hati tu nak main2, jangan gatal nak berkapel la. Skandal sudahh.. Takpun come clear that you don't want to be attached. Takdelah lukakan perasaan orang.

Bila dah declare partner, tu bukan makna nak commit ke? Kenapa ramai orang susah nak nampak yang hubungan bukan mainan? Hubungan bukan something that you can treat as pitstops. Relationships are serious, even as friends. Apatah lagi kalo ber-couple. Dah nama pun kekasih, tak kasih ke kat partner, sampai boleh tipu2? Kenapa kalau just nak berkawan tipu2? Just tell the truth la, if you want to be friends with anybody. Nobody would mind that. Everybody has friends (unless the partner is a jealous freak who wants to keep you under her blouse). There's nothing wrong about having friends, as long as you tell the truth. Tak ada sapa nak marah.

I've seen so many relationships that have lies in them, keeping secrets from partners, fiancees, spouses.. Kenapa mau tipu ha? Aku tak boleh hadam part ni. Otak aku jammed bila orang kata tipu sikit2 je, nak jaga hati.. White lies. You tell white lies during crucial moments that you know the truth will make your partner shrink with pain. You don't just sipmly tell white lies. Everybody knows that one lie leads to another and you'd have to create a whole new story to cover the truth. Kalau tak pandai buat cerita, tak lama kantoi lah.. Daripada kantoi, kan ke lebih baik kalo tak tipu dari awal2 lagi? Hidup senang, hati lapang, kepala pun tak pening nak jawab soalan2 untuk fix loose ends..

Aku tau, aku pun pernah menipu. Aku tipu and aku dah rasa macam mana keadaan bila kantoi. Kantoi bukan sikit2, kantoi best gila dengan mak aku. So, aku dah tak nak tipu sangat2 dah.. Tengok keadaan, bila rasa tipu takkan kantoi baru aku berani menipu. If not, just tell the truth. Simple. Bila rasa the truth boleh bagi kesan tak baik kat aku+life+family+future aku,baru aku menipu - in terms of tak jawab soalan2 cepumas yang orang2 tanya kat aku. Malulah kalo orang tau aku punya little black secret. Tapi itu aku tipu outsiders, bukan kat orang yang dekat dengan hati aku.

Thinking that a partner is not capable of telling the truth buat aku fikir, macam mana aku nak teruskan hidup - spend the rest of my life dengan the other half bila dia tak mau share dengan aku what he does everyday, who he meets, what happens etc. Susah untuk aku hidup dengan orang yang kuat berahsia, sebab aku bukan jenis macam tu. Whatever you feel, just feel free to express it. Happy, sad, frustrated, down - bukan time marah je baru nak express feeling. That's not fair, and the relationship will be nothing but a dull one. No laughs, no tears, no persuasion.. no nothing. Empty. Bila marah baru nampak ada sikit colours dalam relation. Takkanlah hari2 pun mau marah je.. haru biru relation kalo camtu.

Lies. Kenapa mesti tipu? Kenapa mesti simpan something tak bagi partner tau? Bila simpan2 rahsia kat diri sendiri - then you burst and the partner gets to know everything in a not so appropriate way. Dapat tau owh, dia tak suka aku macam ni, macam tu.. Takkan nak tunggu sampai macam tu sekali? That is not right. Talk, and when you talk, don't just talk bullshit - talk about good things, bad things, dissatisfaction, tell your partner what you want from them, and don't forget to ask what do they want from you. Relationships are supposed to be mutual - gives and takes, tolerance, trust, understanding each other. Kalo tak balance, kan namanya relation tu tak healthy? Serupa jugak dengan kawan2, mutualism. Imagine simple thing - drive kereta; kalo tak tekan minyak, kereta tak jalan, bila kereta tak jalan, kita tak sampai kat tempat yang kita nak pergi.. Sama jugak macam relationships. You need something and at the same time you need to give something as well.

Orang selalu kata, kalo you tak trust yor partner, might as well blah je. Tapi dalam kes aku, even aku tak percaya langsung kat dia, aku sibuk justify. Tell myself that it's just me being prepared if in case he cheats on me in the future. Tapi sampai bila aku nak macam ni? Sampai bila aku nak live in shadows? Aku sedar yang bila aku rasa unable to trust him when it comes to other women, aku taku sebenarnya. Aku taku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang lagi sebab perempuan lain. Otak aku memang boleh hadam kalo aku bukan jodoh dia, tapi aku rasa kalo lah jadi lagi dia curang dengan perempuan lain, maknanya 3x aku kena tipu, kena main, bf aku kena rampas or that he himself who wants to do that behind me, get entertainment from another woman. If that happens again, aku rasa aku tak terima lelaki dalam hidup aku dah kot (unless jodoh aku sampai). Takut, seriously takut.

Bila truth is replaced by lies, and when it all comes out - trust is not in the couple portrait anymore. The relationship will be shadowed by insecurity, suspicion, control etc. Sangatlah susah when you betray someone and they stick with you - there's no way you can earn their trust in say, a few days? No. You'll have to prove yourself. Show them that you can actually be trusted and that you won't ever lie again in the future. And, in order to do that, you'll need to answer each question honestly, report what you do to them, spend more quality time with them, show them you love+appreciate them. If you're lucky and you love that someone whom you never want to let go, they'll take you back. If not, you'll just prove yourself to another partner of yours.

Relationships are not simple. They require efforts, and those efforts we all make as partners will determine how the relationship will be - good, bad, serious, fun, loving, tensed, or just plain bland. Threats (of being dishonest, infidel) from the people around are just tests, to see for yourself whether or not you are a faithful partner. It's up to you to give in or wipe them off your shirt. If you treasure your relationship with your partner, avoid hurting her by telling lies (which she will find out sooner or later).

I read something from a book that says;

A liar isn't always a cheater, but a cheater is always a liar.

:cheers:

A Conversation, A Warning, Whatever You Wanna Call It.

There's this girl who has been bugging my Darl (I think it was her, not him) and doesn't seem to want to step back, even she knows he's attached. So I called her, tell her how she has to stay away from my boyfriend and leave him alone. Then I texted her further asking her to back down. Here goes..


Me:: Lia, I call U tadi. I'm his girlfriend, he's not with Farah anymore. I hope U faham kenapa I call U tadi, and I hope U tak besarkan hal ni kat office. I did that because I don't want just friends become another story. I really hope U faham pasal ni and keep this between us. I just don't want to lose him. Please..


Her:: Who are U actually? I'm not interested in making enemy. About Nazim, we're just friends. Don't worry. I'll keep my promise that i'll stay away from him. U take care gurl. Godbless


Me:: I'm his girlfriend. And he's been lying about his activities with U guys. As a woman, I think U could understand. Appreciate your consideration. Good day


Her:: Lying about his activities? What it supposes to mean? I didn't get it. But I don't blame U. Plus, i don't want to involve in this shit. I'm not a desperate bitch..


Me:: I know. But shit happens. I called U because I've talked to him about this, but nothing happened. I'm pretty much in the dark, everyone in S*G thinks he's still with Farah, only a few know he's with me now. And I can't afford to face another infidelity.


Her:: Sorry to say, i don't give a damn. We're just friends. U can have Nazim of yours back K. Please just stop disturbung me. I'm too old to involve in this 'lovey dovey' thing..


Me:: Give a damn or not, I'm just being cautious. U don't know him, and his capabilities. One thing I ask from U, please keep our conversation discreet and be ethical on being a friend. Thanks for understanding.


Her:: Anything U wish gurl. I think we should stop here. Stop calling and texting me. I don't want this shit spoil my good life. Enuf said. Bye.


Me:: Yah. Stop clinging on my boyfriend as well. U have a pleasant day.


Her:: I think U need psychology therapy badly. U outta control. U too have a good day. Take care of your boyfriend. Bye


Me:: Nope. I don't. Just looking after what's mine. U don't even know me. So quit judging. I asked for a simple thing. Leave him alone. Not a tough thing to do right? Cheers


Aannddd she didn't reply.


Why I did this? I'm really not sure why, but what I know is that I have to defend, take care, look after or whatever they wanna call it - of the thing, or the person that I treasure, that I love. I had enough real horror experience about guys cheating on me. And this guy, although I know he's got the word infidel in his love resume, I was keen to give it a try, lest I may change him into a better person. I can just try, give it my real effort, blood and sweat so he could realize how cheating is simply unacceptable under any circumstances in love. Not one.


Nevertheless, all I can do is try and hope he'd change. Pray The Almighty.


Then, the morning after those text replies, she text me again - asking who I really was. I've told her in the previous conversation but she didn't seem to get it. Quite a slow learner I'd say. So, here goes..

Her:: What are u trying to talk to me last night? You called me at 4.30am and if you’re not Farah, who are you actually?

Me:: It’s not important who I am, if he tells you he’s with Farah, he is then..

Her:: Huh? I didn’t get what you mean. You know what. I think Farah is better than you. Enuf said. I don’t think I should stop be friends with Nazim coz he’s FRIEND of mine

Me:: Well, if you really want to know, Farah is history. He is now with me. That’s why i’m the one who called instead of Farah.

Her:: So who are you?

Me:: No need to know lah.. When it’s time, we’ll get to know each other..  sooner or later..

Her:: What do you mean sooner or later? Why you wanna meet me? How did you get my number btw?

Me:: I know what a woman should do when she feels threaten. If we get a chance to meet, you’ll get to know me. If not, you just know me as Nazim’s girl..

Her:: Threaten? Make it simple K. You are Nazim’s gurl and I’m just his friend. So?

Me:: Fine lah.. You’re his friend. But I don’t want to hear you guys hangout at nights etc. I’ve had nuff women stealing my boyfriend.

Her:: Stealing your bf? Haha. What a joke. I’m not interested in making commitment. Enuf said

Me:: I’m not saying you are stealing him. Like I said, I’m being cautious. Now that you know his girlfriend minds about you hanging out with him at nights, I suppose you should respect that.

Her:: We are from different background, different brain. If I said he’s my friend, he’ll be forever. I know my gap and I got pride. You should respect it. That’s the difference between me and you. Clear?

Me:: Whatever makes you sleep at night honey. We’re done here. You get what I mean and I understand you enough. Let’s put a stone here.

Her:: I’m done too. So it’s my right to be friend with anyone I want and you have right to control your Nazim. Enuf said. Learn to be unique. Sweet dream. Bye

Me:: You too. Just a little reminder: know your limits.. Thanks for understanding. Nite..

I guess I made it clear to her that I don't want her to anywhere near my guy. I know some may see this as a stupid2 action, but I need to do something to not lose again. I know she's wealthy, but another thing I know that I'm ten times better than her in any way, except money. (a bit exaggeration though)

Yes, he's mad. He's mad that what I did may jeopardize his reputation at work since they are colleagues. I know that, but I didn't see any other way. She seems to be calling him and always texting him at nights. At nights! Now that's one thing I cannot accept. She knows he's attached and still she looks for him. What kind of desperate is she? Isn't there any eligible bachelor who's not attached at work, that she still looks for him?

What a despicable species.

Battle Hopper

Hari ni, tak pergi kelas.. tidur sampai lebam kat rumah Pak Jay. Bangun, Darl nak pergi kerja dia hantar aku balik rumah, aku tanya petnag ni ambik aku tak, dia kata 'ye, nanti petna gbalik kerja I amik U' then dia terus pergi kerja. Petang, aku tunggu2 dia datang - dari pukul 6 petang aku tunggu sampai la pukul 7. Bila aku call dia tak angkat, dua kali aku call, then mesej lepas tu aku call lagi sekali baru dia angkat. Aku tanya, 'u datang amik I tak?' Suara dia dengar macam tegang gila, macam tengah bengang/marah. Marah aku sebab tanya pasal dia datang ke tak aku pun tak tau la..

Tadi siang aku tinggal laptop kat rumah Pak Jay, ingatkan nak mintak tolong dia formatkan laptop aku masuk Windows 7 tapi bila aku tanya Darl tadi, dia kata 'Jay tak buat lagi, kan dia kerja?' aku tau la dia kerja, aku tanya je kot. Takkan la nak tanya pun tak boleh sampai dia nak marah2 aku? Salah ke aku nak tanya? Entah kenapa aku sedih sangat bila dia marah2 aku macam tu tadi, rasa macam aku ni tah sapa2 je yang tanya dia pasal hal peribadi yang buat dia marah. Tak boleh ke dia cakap baik2? Aku ni dah la hati tisu, lagi2 dengan dia, orang yang paling dekat dalam hati aku, mestila aku expect dia at least cakap tak menengking-nengking dengan aku. Terasa sungguh lah..

Aku nak jumpa dia, itu pun tak boleh jugak? Aih...tak tau la aku macam mana nak handle lelaki sorang ni.. Kenapa lelaki pun ada mood swings ha? Aku ingat orang pompuan je yang selalu ada mood swings. Kalo ye pun tengah marah, jangan la lepas kat aku. Aku tatau pape, call2 terus dapat tengking dia. Ikut hati nak aje aku marah balik, tapi aku tau api tak boleh bagi minyak, so aku diam je. Cari rokok, lepas tension hisap rokok kat luar.

Dok kat luar, aku tengok je motor dia yang ada dia tinggal kat rumah - Battle Hopper. Aku naik motor tu, tatau kenapa tiba2 aku rasa sedih sangat bila teringat kat dia. And entah la jugak kenapa aku rasa macam motor tu paham aku (macam orang la pulak) tengah sedih pasal tuan dia buat hal. Aku hisap rokok atas motor tu, habis hisap rokok, aku peluk motor tu menangis mengadu kat dia. Entah gila apa buat aku sampai boleh pergi mengadu kat motor. Tapi tulah, aku rasa macam motor tu hidup - macam ada soul.

Duduk lama kat atas motor tu, aku still megharap kat dia untuk datang and I can see him. But I think that is just a mere empty hope. Deep inside, amongst hopes for him, aku tau dia takkan datang kat aku malam ni. Aku berfikir sendiri, apa la yang dia buat sampai aku call pun tak angkat, mesej aku hantar pun tak berbalas. Sibuk sangat ke pun sampai a single text saying that he's busy pun tak boleh reply?

Sedih la. Adoi...

Bila datang situation macam ni, aku mula la fikir bukan2.. Tak la sampai aku nak doubt dia, tapi after all those things yang jadi kat aku dengan lelaki2 sebelum ni buat aku jadi takut - takut dicurangi lagi sekali. Aku takut aku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang..lagi sekali. Aku tak sanggup.

Malam ni, aku buat kerja gila bila frust dengan bf sendiri - pergi mengadu kat motor dia yang aku rasa macam ada soul. seolah-olah motor tu faham dengan keadaan aku - miserable sangat2 malam ni.

Gila ke aku?
Berfikir atas motor..

Benar Ku Mencintaimu <3

Night, while FB-ing aku terjumpa satu lagu by Anang - Separuh Jiwaku Pergi. Painful man, the message delivers smoothly that the partner cheats on him - Kris with another guy. Seems like he's fallen hard.

Talk about infidelity and cheating, aku dah masak (rasanya da cukup pengalaman) dengan perangai lelaki yang suka hati dorang je nak curang. Kenapa mesti berlaku curang kalo y'all dah pilih untuk commit dengan somebody? Takkan cinta yang dijaja semua tu tipu je? Kalo tipu je macam mana they all look into some girl's eyes and say I Love You? Weird. (because I can't)

But then, betullah kalo sesetengah orang cakap ada lelaki & ada permpuan yang tak ada hati perut. Bila Love Proverbs say 'Be with a person who loves you, not the person you love', still ada yang tinggalkan a good2 lover for another man/woman. Aku berfikir sendiri, kenapa semua ni jadi? Kenapa commit to a perfectly sacred bond and then betray it?

Walaupun nisbah yang curang/tipu ni lebih kurang je between lelaki+perempuan (aku rasa la) tapi yang selalu di highlight orang - lelaki. Sebab? Haa..lelaki yang banyak rosakkan perempuan bila commit in a relatonship. In terms of physically and emotionally as they sleep with the woman and leaves..

Damn it really hurts (for whoever has experience it, they know, I guess..)

Who Am I?

Pagi ni, lepas aku visit ada satu kawan aku punya blog, ada dia buat personality test ni.. tiba2 aku tergerak hati nak buat test ni jugak..and here's the answer..can't really tell whether they're accurate or not..sebab aku ni manusia yang berubah2 emosi+pemikirannya..so, nothing much that I can say.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/


Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

All-new year, All-new hopes.

2010. Sigh.. tak tau la apa nak di buat dengan tahun baru ni. Apa yang dah jadi tahun lepas buat aku tak ada mood nak sambut tahun baru ni. And seriously, aku macam tak rasa 2009. Feels like I was just blinking even macam2 benda jadi tahun lepas. Rasa macam nak reminisce balik pun ada. Mmm..

Let's see..

Awal tahun start semester macam biasa, and I was so really in love with my ex-boyfriend. And then on 28th of February (yes, I remember) I found his texting with another woman, bersayang2, ber-rindu2 plus siap ada gambar that woman lagi in his phone. I cried like hell and wonder why the fish he does that to me sedangkan I've done almost everything for him. Aku memang rasa macam mana keadaan frust menonggeng, makan tak lalu, mandi tak basah, tido pun tak berapa nak lena. Dalam masa 3 bulan, aku habiskan masa aku dengan pegi club, isap rokok macam nak gila sampai nak temuntah2 pastu study pun entah ke mana. Puas orang kat keliling aku nasihat lah, support lah, marah pun ada. Sebab? aku tak dapat nak lupakan dia. Siot betul.

And then, further in the year..

Pertangahan tahun, Mama kena post kat Perlis. OK la jugak, pasal aku fikir dia dapat tukar angin lepak kerja kat tempat yang can soothe her mind. When she's there, aku kat sini terus meronggeng almost every night dengan my clubbing partner, Dinda and sometimes Frankie - some guy who I stupidly thought can care for me. But he's just merely a stop-by.
And then.. by mid July aku dikenalkan oleh kawan aku Farah kat sorang mamat ni. We clicked well, he tells stories about his life and me listening. Then, after quite sometime (a few days only actually) we became an item, aku yang pop the question. Dia setuju. It went well until Ramadhan. Bila aku dapat tahu there's another woman. Aku confront dia, but he managed to get away with good excuses..
Until that another woman approached me on Facebook. We connect and tell the truth to each other. Tak disangka2, start dari bulan Ramadhan dia dah bercouple dengan perempuan tu, dan selama tu lah, dia tipu aku. By end of October, aku dapat strength untuk tinggal penipu tu (thanks to friends who cared and advised) and just get along with work, friends and new friends.

Then something about me and the abang angkat guy where there's this day when he confessed he wanted me to be his partner. Aku refuse mulanya, tapi bila aku nampak ada kesungguhan kat dia, aku fikir2..what the hell, just get on with it if he can make me happy. Cumanya, the ex kawan aku (or used to be lah) and dia berkata-kata yang aku ini the backstabber where aku sanggup rampas her fiancee. Mm.. aku tak tau lah nak cakap apa, cuma yang aku tau aku tak buat dia curang or tinggalkan the ex untuk aku. He just did that and sometime after the break-up we were together. Well, long as I'm happy aku tak nak bother pasal orang lain kecuali yang baik dengan aku, yang care about me. Those are enough for me.

New Year Eve - aku kerjaaaa....  *sigh*

A Backstabber and Not

OK. Here's my friend on my right, and her fiancee on my left. Her fiancee made me his  adik angkat about a month ago when we first met in Borneo Rainforest on Halloween. He made my friend invite me to join them that day and I did.


Here's how it went.


I was disappointed with my Prince, who is now an ex. He and others saw me crying and looking gloomy back then. All of them was trying to cheer me up - not crying in the middle of a chaotic club. Then two of them - her fiancee and there's this guy who cared about me and always telling me not to cry but smile always (kinda like him.hehe). Both of them helped me in getting over my ex (as well as my friend and others)..making me a stronger person, strong enough to dump my ex. Then, God knows how and why, three of us - me, this guy and this fiancee guy. We hang out together a lot and talk about almost everything. And he made me his adik angkat. I even asked for her permission - is it OK if he takes me as his adik angkat. She said yes.


Then there's this someone who pointed at me saying I like my own friend's fiancee. It's almost out of this world, at least for me. How could I ever take my friend's love when I had feel the pain of having my partner taken? And it happened twice!


Never!


The relationship grows between me and my brother as time goes by, and we bond in a very short period of time. We had luahan perasaan to each other, we talked about all the things in the world. But the part where I can hang on to this brother of mine is that I'm comfortable with him. No, we are comfortable with each other. Even sometimes when we are close I don't really feel comfort, I kept in mind that he's a brother and we are supposed to be that close. A brother right? Blood binding doesn't matter - what's in your heart matters. I hold on to that.


As time flies, we grow closer to each other and he's been telling me about how he wants to walk away and that he admits being with her all along was a mistake. He's just waiting for the right time to pop the statement that might hurt her to the deepest. And I've been trying to tell him that if he still loves her, just go on with whatever that they're having right now and just fix any wreck, talk to each other and make something out of it. Even to her, I asked her to come up to him and fix everything.


But, there's a but.


He keeps running away from her and avoiding her approaches and just let everything be. She was miserable, he was spending his time with me instead. Guilt was on every inch of my flesh. Luckily most of the time, the other guy was there - so it was three of us, not just me and him. And at the same time his friends (whom are her friends too) are telling her that he's cheating on her with me. Many kinds of accusations that I wasn't aware of. Only him and the other guy. This suffocates me as she is my bestfriend, she knows about me, my life, who I am and what I've been through.


So, as I was telling him (and her aswell) to keep going on, last Friday 28/11 when he picked me up from work and I asked him where was he from - Kampung Baru, fiancee's place; he left her. Well if he asks me I would say it's so unbelievable. It really was, as I kept asking him about it - did it really happen or that he was just messing around. But my hunch was true. he left her. 


And now I have a feeling that my friend is blaming me for that - maybe thinking that I wanted to steal her fiancee in the first place. Plus, all those nasty people around her poisoning her mind telling this and that about me. I can tell. It's common among women. Instead of coming up to me and clear things up, she prefers to listen to all her ridiculous friends, who clearly don't know anything about me. I bet she knows me better. Way better than her other friends.
Alas, coming up to the third party isn't always a preferred thing to do unless a person has experienced terrible loss due to a third party. I think I can digest that. And that I understand how a girl would act if she thought her own bestfriend betrays her. Definitely I can get that to my head.


Nevertheless, the damage is done and lesson learnt. I should never step into a person's relationship, especially when it's going over a rough patch. Definitely a no no. And what I'm upset about is that she really thought I backstabbed her, which is totally absurd! I never betrayed her. I even stayed on her side when my brother was telling me all the things about her doings behind him that he gets to know much later, or those things she did without him knowing. And when he asked me, I just told him the truth without knowing that he never knew anything about her activities behind him. I only told him the truth! I never want them to split..


:: Dear friend, if you read this, please understand and realize that I never betray you. Not in any way or with any intentions. I treasure you.

Why Oh Why...

It has been 3 months and nearly two weeks and I'm feeling like hell. Mum is not approving him hanya sebab dia tak ada degree dalam tangan dia. And that her current boyfriend is so much of a wealthy person. Kaya lah sangat. I hate it when she brings him up on every event that happens. No matter what, and by that I meant no matter what event. She always said; kau tu baru je kenal dia, kau tu baru je berapa bulan dengan dia.. I hate it when she says that.

True, I've only been with him for a short period of time. But that doesn't mean she can blame him on everything! No matter directly or indirectly! I hate this situation where, her boyfriend is staying in this house for over a week now, but she won't let me out to see my boyfriend! What is that? How can that be fair to me?!

Absolutely not fair!!

Dah ramai yang cakap dengan aku perangai macam si ketam yang nak ajar anak berjalan lurus, tapi diri sendiri berjalan senget. Dah ramai sangat. Tapi diri sendiri tak sedar-sedar lagi. Masih jugak nak teruskan life yang tah pape dengan boyfriend yang dia claim bagus sangat tu.

Belajar Tarikat lah, ape lah..

Kalau setakat nak makan je boleh mengaji, boleh baca ayat-ayat suci, tapi solat lima waktu tak buat, even solat Jumaat pun tak pergi, pastu dok melepak kat rumah ni macam dia punya rumah and then nak ajar aku disiplin sedangkan dia dok tidur dengan mak aku, baik tak payah la nak canang-canangkan kat orang yang dia tu a good Muslim ke apa ke.

Tak payah.

Memang ada some good qualities in him, especially bila dia dok tolong mak aku kemas rumah la apa la.. of course dia suka ada orang tolong buat kerja2 dia. Tak payah di suruh2 pun rumah+ laman orang tua tu dia dah tolong kemaskan. Tapi tak payah la tunjuk bagus dia tu kat depan orang. Mentang2lah dah hidup lama, apa je yang orang muda2 ni buat semua dia nak kondem. Even depan bapak sedara aku pun dia nak tunjuk bagus. Apa punya orang la dia ni.

Tak paham aku.
Serius tak paham.

Dah tu, bila aku cakap boyfriend aku tu bukan orang senang, bukan banyak duit, bukan berpelajaran tinggi, dua2 dok cucuk aku slowly, cakap itu lah, ini lah, bagi mesej+hint nak aku tinggalkan boyfriend aku yang sorang tu.

Apakejadah??

Aku yang pilih dia, aku suka dia, and the most important thing is, I love him! Bagi aku, itu yang penting. Pasal dia tak ada degree ke apa ke, itu belakang kira. Sebabnya, aku tau duit boleh cari kat mana2. Tapi cinta+kasih sayang aku tak boleh jumpa kat tepi longkang macam mana aku jumpa duit.

And then, dengan dia ni, after a couple of months together barulah aku dapat rasa dia tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku. Takkan aku nak lepaskan dia macam tu je? Aku takkan semudah tu nak lepaskan dia lepas semua usaha yang aku dah bagi untuk dapatkan hati dia. Takkan sekali-kali aku buat macam tu. Aku tak nak lukakan dia, and at the same time I don't want to be hurt myself. And I definitely don't want to be like my former and his other former partners.

Back to the issue.

Apa yang aku boleh buat, itupun selagi aku boleh buat sekarang ni; tak tau lah tahan sampai bila, sabar je. Sabar, sabar dan sabar. Tu je lah. Aku tau, setiap kali aku bukak pasal salah+silap dia, mau tak mau dia tetap pusing balik kat salah aku. Ada je yang dia nak korek sampai ada jugak salah aku no matter what. So, in the end, daripada aku dok bergaduh+bertekak dengan dia and cari salah each other, lebih baik aku diam je. Lagi banyak aku diam, lagi kurang aku bertegang urat. Biar la hati sakit macam mana pun, selagi aku diam selagi tu aku tak porak perandakan this so-called a happy family of mine.

Tapi diam tak bererti kalah.

Feeling Like A Trash

Dah lama aku cuba gapai hati, kasih sayang, perhatian daripada mamat sekor ni. Aku sampai dah tak tau nak buat apa dengan dia. Bila tanya, dia pandai mengaku kata sayang, kalau tak sayang takde lah dia nak jumpa aku hari2 kata dia. Bila bergaduh, pandai pulak dia nak pujuk, sayang la, rindu la apa la. Tapi, lepas satu, satu dia lukakan hati aku. lepas satu, satu aku sedih dengan apa yang dia buat. Sayang apa macam tu?

Serius, aku tak paham dengan perangai dia.

Sekarang, dah nak masuk 3 bulan aku dengan dia. Aku tak mau benda ni habis macam tu je. Aku nak bina life dengan dia. Aku nak bahagia dengan dia. Tapi, dah lama macam ni aku tak dapat rasa dia betul2 sayang kat aku. Aku rasa macam dia main2 je dengan aku, bukan betul2 serius nak commit dalam relation ni. Aku dah nak naik buntu dengan semua ni.

Aku mengaku, dia bukan apa yang aku nak. Dia bukan orang senang, dia bukan bijak pandai, nak kata romantik apatah lagi. Tak payah aku nak mula, dia yang spoil mood awal2. Dia pun bukan baik hati sangat nak pujuk2 aku bila aku marah ke, merajuk dengan dia ke..(walaupun memang aku nak sangat tengok macam mana dia pujuk aku.huhu.) Dia pun bukan a perfect gentleman yang pompuan2 kat luar sana nak sangat (memang tak gentle pun). Aku nampak banyak flaw dia yang tak kena dengan kehendak aku kat seorang lelaki.

Tapi lepas 2 bulan lebih aku dengan dia, walaupun dia pendiam+perahsia tahap gaban, susah nak bawak berbincang, mudah terasa even aku bergurau dengan dia, tak peduli sangat dengan perasaan aku (memang tak peduli), tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu, buat aku tak keruan+tak dapat baca perasaan dia. Pastu bila aku buat silap ke apa ke, tak dapat agak dia ada masalah ke apa ke, mula nak marah aku pulak. Sakit je hati aku.

Tapi macam mana pun dia, aku tau dia tu apa yang aku perlukan dalam life aku yang caca-marba ni. Aku perlukan dia untuk advice2 yang aku takkan terfikir langsung - solutions yang ridiculous tapi possible. Dia ada kelembutan dalam sentuhan dia yang aku perlu dan tak pernah dapat dari sapa2 . Dia selalu sedarkan aku betapa kadang2 aku silap, kadang2 aku fikir terlalu negatif (even dia pun kadang2 negatif.huhu). Aku perlu dia untuk stay waras dalam nak teruskan hidup aku (sebab kadang2 aku rasa macam nak pergi mati je).

Cuma, yang aku ralat dalam relationship ni, aku rasa dia layan aku macam bukan sapa2 dalam life dia. Bukan orang yang dia sayang, tatang, jaga, cinta. Aku selalu tertanya2 sendiri, dia sayang aku? Dia cinta aku? Dia nak aku dalam hidup dia?

Aku tertanya2 sendiri. Tak ada jawapan yang dapat aku cari.

Soalan yang paling kerap datang dalam kepala aku - kenapa. Kenapa dia buat aku macam ni? kenapa dia buat aku macam sampah? Kenapa kalau dia kat dia sayang, kenapa dia keep on lukakan hati aku? Kenapa buat aku kejar2 dia? Kenapa buat aku menangis sebab dia?

Kenapa?

Aku ni apa untuk dia? Bukan couple dia? Bukan aku yang sepatutnya dia jaga hati, jaga diri, ambik berat, ambik tau apa aku buat, aku kat mana, dengan sapa.. Apa yang aku nampak - dia memang tak ada nak pedulikan aku. Dalam gaung ke, atas gunung ke, hidup ke mati ke.. Memang tak ada..

Aku fikir, dengan ada dia dalam life aku, takkan ada airmata tumpah lagi sebab lelaki. Tapi rasa macam makin banyak aku menangis pun ada. Lepas satu, satu benda dia buat yang kecewakan aku, sakitkan hati aku. Aku tak tau sampai bila aku boleh bertahan dengan perangai dia yang macam2 ni. Apa yang aku boleh buat dan tengah buat sekarang ni - sabar selagi aku boleh sabar, bertahan selagi aku boleh bertahan.

Aku tak nak dia kecewa dengan pompuan lagi. Cukuplah apa yang dia pernah rasa dengan pompuan2 dia dulu. Tapi yang paling aku risau nanti bila aku dah muak dengan semua ni dia baru nak tunjuk apa tu kasih sayang sebenarnya. By the time aku dah tawar hati, dah tak ada hati, semua tu dah sangat2 terlambat.

::p/s:: Putra hati, if u baca, please do something.

Someone Who I Call Mr. Boyfriend

It's been a month, three weeks and two days since 19th of July, where I asked for his consent to be my partner - and he said yes. I, although am still wounded and shadowed by my past, have been trying to give my best to him and the relationship.
I have been keeping all the thoughts about him and his past with his ex-girlfriends. How he still keeps her pictures in his wallet, phone and even on MySpace. Aku tak paham kenapa dia nak buat semua tu lepas minah tu dah tipu dia kaw2.

Otak aku tak dapat nak hadam tu.

It's just unacceptable - at least for me, and now that he's with me he's got to understand that. I told him to get rid of those pictures so many times but he just ignored me. Of course I'm jealous! She's an ex, I'm his partner now! My pictures are supposed to be in his belongings! Not hers!

She lied to you, what's the point of keeping her stuff? He knew how she hurt him, but he still possess her pictures as if he's still waiting for her. And the worst is, he treats me as if I'm just a friend and someone who doesn't mean anything to him.

What la wei?

I've been trying to reach out for him, treat him nice, try my best to be an understanding girlfriend to him. Keeping all the hurt inside - forgetting all the pain and just keep going on no matter how hard it is for me to win his heart over Ms. Syahira.

Maybe this is a bad time for me to step into his life, I think of this sometimes. He simply come and go, all the things that a boyfriend does to his partner, he failed to do. Sometimes I feel like he's making me a person to be with when he's feeling blue, someone to attend him whenever he needs help..not someone whom he calls his girlfriend. The thought of that really, really breaks my heart.

As for now, I don't know, really I don't know what to do, how to reach him - physically, emotionally and the hardest, spiritually. It's as if I'm still in a bubble where I can't get out and get into his arms. I wish, Lord I wish he could open his heart, open his mind and take me wholly as someone who loves him deeply.

If only that wish comes true..

Scorpio vs Virgo

http://www.gotohoroscope.com/

Their interests are the same in many areas, but they are too different when it refers to the sexual sphere. It is difficult for them to establish good relationships. Virgo can become captious. Restrained Virgo has trouble keeping up with highly demonstrative Scorpio and doesn't understand what all the fuss and bother is about. Scorpio can fly into jealous rages for no reason, even if Virgo has proved to be a faithful mate, and the general Scorpio views are hard for Virgo to take or agree with for Virgo always sees the other side of the situation and the other persons point of view. In other words Scorpio can be roughly frank. The spiritual affinity is possible for some time, and then Scorpio will probably begin to search for new sexual partners. Friendship may be the best idea here.

erk..aku mau kapel la.
mane lak suruh kawan je.hampeh tul.

The Dream

I dreamt of my father, again.
This time, he had long hair and somehow very calm and cheerful. I can't really remember all of it but some pieces that are left on the back of my mind pictured him being so happy living his life somewhere I don't know.
He had sort of a home, or a place of living - very small but he looked so happy and grateful with what he had. I can't recall the place where I met him, but it seemed like some place far from the city - almost like my hometown.
Again, we talked to each other but unfotunately I can't record what were the things that we were talking about. But I do remember he mentioned about how happy he is with his little life, in his very own world.
I couldn't stop recalling about how upset I was when he told me he got married to another woman. It's not that I hate it or that I can't accept, but I was more like shocked - when I know my father was still with my step-mother when he left. I wondered how, why and who did he marry.
Nonetheless, I kept all those question marks roam in my head.
He showed me a picture of his home. Very small and a bit dirty. Seemed like he was living a very moderate life. Reminds me of the house of his in Pandan Indah. The one every heir wants but too greedy to let me and my sisters have.

Especially his brother.

I don't really know whether this dream has any meaning or that its just a dream.. but, regarding this, I feel that I have to do something about the house or Father's effort in it would be in vain..

Cinta?

Ku ingin lihat cinta di matamu
Agar bisaku rai musim bunga di hati
Kuingin lihat kasih pada senyummu
Agar takku lelah mencari nafas sendiri
Ku ingin rasakan sayang sentuhanmu
Agar lepas rindu yang menggebu

Ku ingin dirimu
Ku ingin segala apa yang ada
Rasa sayangmu
Rasa cintamu
Gelora asmara
Dalam dirimu untukku

Kerna padamu ku beri semua
Bila hati melara duka kecewa
Kau buat ku lupa semua derita
Bila hanya hilai tawa kamu
Buat ku bahagia diselubung rasa
Cinta.

Serabut Kepala

Benda ni dok serabutkan kepala aku. Dia sayang aku ke tak? Yang aku tau, aku tengah pupuk rasa sayang kat dia. Tapi dia?
Aku tak tau.
Aku dah cakap terang2 kat dia, perhatian+belaian. Tu je. Aku tak mintak duit ke, material ke, apa ke. Bagi aku perhatian, panggil aku dengan sweet2 names, bagi aku rasa happy bila aku dengan dia. Masalahnya dia macam tak tunjuk dia sayang aku -tak tunjuk ke atau memang tak ada sayang untuk aku, aku tak tau la. Aku nak sangat tengok+rasa kasih sayang yang ada kat dia untuk aku.
Kenapa simpan? Kenapa tak tunjuk kat aku? Kalau dia tunjuk kat aku, secara tak langsung dia buat aku bertambah-tambah sayang kat dia. Ini, panggil sayang pun tak mau, apatah lagi nak tunjuk dia sayang kat aku. Haih.. pening kepala aku. Kalau ye pun chill, tak payah la sampai macam aku yang dok kejar dia. Malu jugak aku ni oii...
Ingat perempuan tak ada pride ke?
Aku mintak tak banyak kot, just tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku secara fizikal. Ini, layan aku pun lebih kurang je. Rasa macam dia cakap dengan minah semalam tu lagi baik daripada dia cakap dengan aku. Sakit je hati dengar dia sembang dengan minah tu semalam. Rasa macam nak switch off, bukak bateri skali fon dia tu. Mana taknya, bila call aku, cakap macam takde mood, macam terpaksa je. Kadang2 aku rasa dia treat kawan2 dia lebih baik dari dia treat aku. Memang la dia dok balik rumah aku la apa la. Tapi balik rumah aku pun macam tu jugak. Macam tunggul je aku ni dia buat. Macam tak ada apa2 makna aku ni kat dia. Jangan sampai aku naik fed up sudah la. Sayang yang dah ada ni patutnya dia baja, siram. Buat benda2 yang buat aku jadi lagi sayang kat dia.
Ni tak, buat bodo, buat muka menyampah pulak kat aku. Aku ni apa? Tempat aku kat mana dalam hati dia? Cakap sayang, tapi dia tak behave macam dia sayang kat aku pun? Macam buat2 sayang je ada la. Kadang2 ok kadang2 tak.
Ape ni?
Sayang buat la cara sayang. Jangan la dok layan aku macam sofa kat rumah je. Aku ni orang, dan aku ni sangat2la sensitif bila aku ada rasa sayang kat orang tu. Tapi dia seolah2 tak peduli.
Apa ni? Dah declare semua, buat la betul2. Kalau ye pun gagal dengan ex-girfriend dia, jangan la buat aku ni mangsa dia pulak.
Aku pun gagal jugak dulu.
Walaupun aku tak lama dengan ex aku tu, tapi dia buat aku blah dengan cara yang paling sakit. Terus buat aku jadi takut nak ada hubungan dengan lelaki. Tapi aku bukak hati ni untuk dia. Sebab? Ada fireworks dalam hati bila aku dengan dia. Tapi tu je tak cukup untuk buat aku sayang gila kat kat dia lebih dari aku sayang ex aku tu. Dan aku nak sayang dia lebih dari aku sayang ex2 aku.
Aku nak cinta+kasih sayang. Bukan kompromi.
Aku nak buang apa yang mat DK tu cakap dengan aku -cinta sekali je, yang lain semua kopromi.
Aku tak mau.
Dan aku tak mau bercinta beratus kali dalam hidup. Aku nak apa yang aku ada untuk dia, hanya untuk dia. Aku tak mau bagi orang lain. Dan apa yang dia ada untuk aku. Tolonglah Mr., faham, aku sayang kat dia tak ada bersyarat. Biarla apa pun dia tu. Bila aku kata aku dah suka, aku suka. Cuma sekarang ni aku mintak satu je kat dia -buat aku tambah2 sayang kat dia.
Sampai gilakan dia pun tak apa.
Aku nak tu je. Jangan buat aku mangsa lepas apa yang dah jadi antara dia dengan ex dia. Tolonglah, aku ni hati tisu. Jangan buat aku merana tagih cinta dia, sedangkan dia dok tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu. Mati la aku. Aku tak mau.
Tolonglah, tunjuklah yang dia cinta aku. Bagitau aku dia sayang aku. Tu je. Yang lain tak ada pun tak apa.

Aku nak cinta dia.

Merindu Lagi

Dingin hujan meredup gelap malam

Membawa rindu relung hati

Basahnya tanah bumi yang kelam

Kala sendiri aku tangisi

Bilamana kemarau merundung hati

Ragaku menggapai angin dinihari

Rindu sayangku menggebu

Menyesak dada menggoncang kalbu

Ku genggam manis musim bersama

Kuatnya tiada apa bisa meragut setia

Kemanisan dulu membunga

Kini debu tandus yang melanda

Jiwa raung meminta padamu

Hati merindu pelukan syahdu

Dewa hati moga dapat kembali

Kerna jauhnya lama dikau pergi
Aku sendiri. Merindu lagi.

Ladies Night - Centro

19th of July 2009; marked those footsteps where I moved on from Faizul's shadow. I was introduced to this person at Centro somewhere on the earlier days of July by Farah, a good friend of mine (apparently we became close after school 0.o). At first, he was just another ordinary Joe I encounter along the way living my night life. I've never met a person who talks more than I do (huhu) but it seems that he does. =)

Elaboration later.

That day; Ladies Night at Centro I went with my Dinda (only 2 of us - crazy) and I invited Farah to tag along. She came much later and brought with her some friends. I jumped from my seat and danced like hell and sweat like a pig!

But then something terrible happened.

Someone stole Farah's handbag! I just can't believe what happened as we were in the club and I suppose - there should not be any theft in there. It's a place to have fun, for crying out loud! Not a place to steal things!

Swearing aside.

Me, Dinda and him accompanied Farah to lodge a police report (Brickfields) about her missing stuff in the handbag and we helped her calm down.
Everything was done at around 6am - she went home with a friend who came later and 3 of us went straight home too (yes, I had to send him home, he came with Farah). Arrived home approximately around 7am++. Apa lagi, both us get to the bed as fast as we can and slept all day.

He managed to gave us his e-mail and asked us to add him up in Facebook etc..huhu

originally expressed on 9th July.

Burning Slowly

Burn slowly,

On the flame of life.

Slowly, slowly - It's a fragile dream.

Lest it may shatter;

Be careful to light the flame..

The imminent is inevitable

The sky never descends.

All I wish is to live a few moments

In the grace of your beauty.

The dreams I saw in your eyes

Continue to live in my heart.

But the edges of those dreams

Pierce my eyes.

Slowly it burns,

The flame of life.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

I didn't have anything to do yesterday so I strolled around the net and I read one of the blogs online about celebrities and gossips etc the other day, specifically a day after I watched the Transformers part II and I was - well, shocked - as I read the post about 5 confusing scenes in the movie. As I read, I found the scenes they question about are absurd! Haven't they ever heard of fiction? blah..

OK, the first one, they question about a fighting scene that took place in LA. Question - how does the US government cover this thing and make it looks like a rumor in the internet, and bagi suggestion pulak tu - kerajaan US rasuah orang2 supaya tutup mulut.
I think this one is just an accusation. Not that I'm siding the US, but, come on, takkan la semua benda yang happen dalam movie tu diorang nak masukkan? Takkan la every step of an event nak kena masuk dalam movie tu? Movie tu pun dah cukup panjang, kalo sume nak masuk tak ke jadi 4-5 jam cerita tu? Aiyo. Be relevan la. Kalo dah jadi macam tu mesti ada press conference ke apa ke yang explain sebenarnya apa yang bergaduh kat tengah2 highway LA tu. Plus, everybody knows US is the biggest liar on earth. Senang je kalo diorang nak cakap its just a prototype robot ke, military training ke, or whatever the hell is. It's simple, really. Them blogger made it so big but without further research. Dumbass.

The 2nd one said ada 2 pieces of Allspark on earth. 1 Decepticons dah curi, pastu bila Sam nak hidupkan Optimus, kenapa tak guna the other piece, sedangkan that piece ada je dalam beg Mikaela. Kenapa nak kena guna the Matrix of Leadership. Then pertikaikan pulak kehebatan Optimus. Gosh! Teruk betul! Helo.. Did they watch the movie or did they produce another movie in the hall?
I don't know whether or not they remember, but I sure do. The small piece of Allspark yang ada kat Mikaela tu diorang dah guna untuk re-activate robot yang kat muzium tu - Jetfire. (remember robot tua - one of the pioneers yang nyanyuk tu?) Ofcos la dah tak ada lagi Allspark, and the last resort is to use the Matrix. And that Matrix happened to be in a desert. Ni lagi satu, kalo ye pun nak kutuk a movie, make sure You watch that movie at least five times, baru la nak buat conclusion about flaws ke apa ke. Ad0iai..

The 3rd one is fine, they got it right I suppose. Memang Michael Bay tersalah kira. Huhu. Or maybe radar detect robot kecik yang re-activate Megatron tu. Who knows? Haha.

Nombor 4, Sam mati and pergi syurga robot. They question - robot pun ada syurga ke?
For me, its not exactly syurga, but merely as a metaphor replacing Sam's obsession.. obsession? Bukan really obsession la kot, tapi as a booster for him to keep on living and courage untuk re-activate Optimus. Tu je. Or maybe those Autobots memang ada syurga of their own since kononnya diorang ada nyawa+feelings+ada dunia sendiri. On the other hand, maybe.. all those Primes yang Sam nampak tu probably just in his mind or merely a vision of Sam being subconscious - or, yeah, unconscious. Pernah dengar? (to them blogger) Tak ada pulse, tak bermakna mati. Ever heard of brain dead? I believe in that. Memang la looks like cerita Hindustan, but then, that scene is possible in real world.

Lastly, the part where they say Bumble Bee still can't talk, and said rasanya voicebox Bumblebee dah dibaiki dalam filem yang lepas. True, memang dah fix Bumble Bee head-to-toe. Tapi, remember the scene Sam slow talk dengan Bee about college and Bee still guna radio untuk cakap denagn Sam? Mikaela kan ada tanya about Bee's voice? Sam kan dah state yang suara Bumble Bee memang dah elok, tapi dia sengaja tak mau cakap. The reason? I don't know, maybe Bee simply tak mau cakap guna suara dia - or it's much more fun to talk through the radio. Ada rhyme lagi. Haha.

Apa la, kalo pergi tengok movie just for fun, tak digest pastu nak kutuk2 the movie, aku rasa baik orang2 macam ni duduk rumah tidur je. Tak payah susah2 keluar pergi cinemas. Ramai lagi orang yang boleh pergi tengok, faham and digest the movie. Do some research la dude, sebelum nak kutuk satu2 movie tu. Akal dah pendek, pastu nak ajar orang ramai akal pendek macam them bloggers, cakap tak usul periksa. Betul la what Aqasha said in his blog. Fir'aun pun tak sombong macam they all ni. Actually, I think diorang ni bukan setakat sombong, tapi bodoh dan sombong. That's why they don't have anything else to do but cari kurap/kayap dalam kain orang. What the hell?

Memang, looking at all the comments posted banyak lagi ada flaw movie ni sebenarnya. Cuma people from different fields je yang boleh detect (eg: RMAF/engineer) but this is just a movie - for us, it's for fun. For Micael Bay and the crony, it's for money. Simple as that. So I think there's no use kalo nak cari flaw dalam satu2 movie. Jumpa flaw pun, the movie is done and they still get the big bucks! So who the hell cares? And another thing, aliens are just an imagination. Autobots and Decepticons - semua tu imagination. So, even movie ni tak berat sangat to digest, but one still need a high level of imagination to really understand this one.

p/s :: this is merely a thought from what I saw, heard and experienced. So there's really no need to dig deep down to find what's right and wrong. The movie is a success, so just sit back and enjoy!

Cerah Putih Datangnya Seri

There's actually nothing much to write hari ni, since aku tak buat apa2 kat rumah. Menghabiskan masa mengadap lappie je. So, aku terfikir nak post benda alah ni. Not to say a poem or anything, merely some sort of a feeling I had back in Perlis and aku pun tak tau macam mana boleh jadi benda ni. Tapi it's just an expression, even though aku ni takdelah religious sangat. Huhu.

Saat mata terpejam

Hati rapat ditutup

Hijab gelap meredup kalbu

Jalanan jatuhnya pasir hidup, tanpa arah lurus

Muncul sang cahaya,

Biar malap tak berseri

Walau jauh dari diri

Tangan menjangkau cuba

Ingin hati menggapai secebis

Cahaya itu yang tinggalnya

Kesan jauh dalam ke jiwa

Petanda yang diberi Kamu

Suara yang menggema sedar

Aura menggegar kuatnya raga

Buat aku terpana, akan

Besarnya kuasa yang ada

Meliputi segala apa

Harus bagaimana? Ku cuba

Meletak derap langkah

Membersih hati bernanah

Merawat jiwa redup melanda

Pohonku setiap jenguknya suria

Agar menghindar hitam gelita

Cerah putih datangnya seri

Pada-Mu Maha segala

Pintaku selurusnya jalan menghadap

Originally expressed;

June 30, 3.36 AM.

Alone, cigarettes and single. Single..

Hari ni official lah kiranya aku start hari tinggal sorang2 kat KL. Mum's up in Perlis, Baby east coast Kuantan. Aku je sorang kat sini kematu tak ada ahli keluarga (yang terdekat la). Lepas hantar Baby kat stesen bas pagi tadi aku tak sambung tidur pun. Ntah naik gila apa layan cerita Hindustan dari balik tu sampai la ke petang (dulu arwah Pak Lang selalu cakap gila iseng, aku ni nak naik iseng la kot).

Now that aku duduk rumah ni sorang2, rasa lost sangat when it comes to coming back. Bila dah keluar tu rasa macam tak mau balik - kalau sebelum ni Mama ada dok suruh aku balik cepat la, jangan keluar malam sangat la dan macam2 lagi quote dia, now it feels like there's no point returning home. There's nobody; only me, TV kaler hijau and my lappie. Sunyi betul rasanya bila balik rumah. Dah la single. Oops, single? Mm, hopelessly and pathetically single. Macam fobia dengan perkataan tu pun ada. Takut tak berteman, bermanja, sayang+kasih+cinta. Senang cerita tak mau alone lah! Tapi single best jugak, flirting activity is in the air! Heheheh.

Bak kata Robbie Williams -

I just wanna feel real love

feel the home that I live in

'Cos I got too much love

running through my veins going to waste..

Rasa macam nak ikut Mama pergi Perlis pun ada, macam nak suruh dia balik stay KL je pun ada. Adoi, feels like baru lepas putus cinta pulak. Huhu.

Plus, since Mama balik Perlis+Baby balik Kuantan aku semakin ketagih Semporna kaler hijau. Lepas sebatang, sebatang aku habiskan (teringat time2 melara. Aih..). Makan pun aku tak peduli, layan lappie dengan Semporna je kerja aku sehari suntuk. Serupa macam 4 bulan dulu la. Hopeless betul!

Layan punya layan Hindustan it occured to me that aku tak tengok Transformers part 2 lagi. Aiya, patutnya awal2 keluar lagi dah tengok - ni dah sampai naik kempunan belum tengok2 lagi. Sesudah berpikir panjang, aku decide nak pergi tengok kat Mid Valley je sorang2. Dah tak tahan nak tengok Bumble Bee+Optimus Prime. Tapi in the end aku pergi tengok kat The Summit USJ dengan Nazmi. Hai, kawan aku sorang tu..



But then Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen tu memang tersangatlah best. This time, more humor+values instilled compared to the 1st one. Memang enjoy habis! Especially kawan Sam+robot kembar tu. Sedih jugak tengok Optimus mati, tapi aku tau, selagi ada cube+energon gerenti Optimus bleh recharge balik (paling cuak time Sam tak ada pulse. Confirm menyampah kalau dia mati. Hehe).











Habis wayang, pergi makan sekejap kat Restoran Anggerik (rasanya nama tu la) then sembang2 je dengan kawan aku sorang tu. Matang jugak dia sebenarnya, aku ingat sengal memanjang je. (Nazmi kalau ko baca jangan marah ek!) Hehe. At some point, aku terfikir - why the hell don't I fall in love with this guy? Ciri2 lelaki sedarah dah ada, aku kenal pun dah lama, baik hati. Ntah la, aku sendiri tak pasti kenapa hati aku tak terbukak untuk dia. Aih! tak mau lah! biar je hubungan aku dengan dia kekal best friends sampai bila2! Senang, dua2 hapi, tak makan hati!

--Or maybe aku dah lama ada crush kat dia, cuma aku kept on denying myself to him. Maybe aku tak nak hilang dia kalau we all couple, pastu hit a wall, gaduh3, break off and terus drift away from each other. Maybe aku still takut dengan idea building a relationship after what has happened to me last few months. Well, only The Almighty knows what lies ahead for me. Bagi aku, gamble je la sape pun. Yang penting aku hapi, semua hapi.

QUE SERA SERA.

Whatever happens, happens.

Wira Oh Wira

Tak tau kenapa hari ni terasa nk tulis dalam BM pulak. Maybe sebab dah banyak post aku tulis dalam English, or terpengaruh dengan blog2 orang lain yang aku baca.huhu.

Hari ni Mama dah gerak pergi Perlis. Sayu pulak bila Mama dah pergi. I'll be here alone, alone, totally alone kat dalam rumah besar ni. Baby plak dah nak balik Kuantan esok pagi, tak tau la nak buat apa esok sorang2. Nak harapkan Dinda, takkan nak berkepit dengan dia 24/7 kot. Mesti dia pun ada plan lain dengan kawan2 dia. Aduiai, rasa macam casted away from family pulak.huhu.

Anyway, hari ni pergi Mid Valley dengan Baby. Said nak beli baju+seluar sebelum balik Kuantan. Cari punya cari, at last dia beli seluar kat Giordano je. Dalam pukul 10 nak balik dah, Wira pulak buat hal - tak boleh nak ignite. Nak kata cuak/panik tu takdelah, tapi more like tak tau nak buat apa. Baby suruh cari sekuriti, tapi aku suruh dia balik. Sporting pulak dia nak mencari orang. Kalau tak, liat je nak tegur orang.

Baby tegur ada la sorang Bangla ke Nepal ke aku tak tau la. Tanya dia mana sekuriti tup2 ada dorang brader ni lalu. Dia pergi la approach brader tu. Brader tu bawak kitorang pergi concierge kat area bayar parking. Tunggu mekanik kat situ dalam 10mins then ada la sorang pak cik ni datang. Cakap2 sikit pastu dia nak pergi kat kereta la. Dalam pada tu ada la pulak sorang mamat ni datang kat kaunter concierge tu cakap pasal apa tah. takdela hot, tapi muka dia sangat cumil+sweet. Sekali pandang lekat pulak mata ni kat muka dia. Nasib baik sempat cover pandang si Baby. Dalam dok tengah trouble tu sempat jugak aku nak menggatal. Sejak aku single ni galak pulak mata aku ni mencari si kumbang. Nak cari pengganti kot. Hehe.

Then pak cik ni bawak kitorang pergi kat Wira hampeh tu nak jump guna kereta dia (cap Mid Valley la). Lepas tu pak cik yang nama dia Hassan ni tengok2 isi perut Wira tu dia cakap kepala positif bateri kereta dah longgar, kena tukar, kalau tak pun letak aluminium buat lapik so bagi ketat balik kepala bateri tu. Dia cakap sebab kepala tu longgar yang kereta tu tak boleh start. Then dia godek2 bateri tu, dia letak a piece of kuprum/aluminium (kaler copper) kat kepala bateri pastu ketuk2 sampai rapat. Dalam dok mem-pomen tu sempat jugak pak cik Hassan ni recommend workshop dia kat Batu Caves - dalam hati aku niat nak hantar Kancil nanti kat pak cik ni, mengenang jasa dia tolong aku.. Huhu.

Lepas semua dah OK aku dengan Baby balik rumah hati lega sebab pak cik tu tolong kitorang, even tu memang kerja dia tapi still, nak jugak dia tolong. I think he was sincere when he helped us. Sebab tu dia buat semua tu. Terima kasih banyak2 pak cik Hassan from Mid Valley.

Dah 3 hari headache tak mau hilang since balik dari Perlis haritu. Tak tau la kenapa. Owww...sakit kepala...

RIP King of Pop Michael Jackson

The man who triggered interest in moonwalking,
May Lord be with thou leaving,
Thy name will always be green in all reminiscing,
Live thou immortally through voice and melody long as there is a living.

RIP dear Michael Jackson.

A Person I Watched and Waited Since School

I first watched him in a telemovie (I guess) when I was a child (perhaps primary school, when I was about 11 or 12) and I immediately fell in love with this one. I didn't even watch that telemovie start-to-end, just glimpses.. or maybe parts of it. But I did remember to catch his name at the end of the telemovie. After that, I sort of lost him from TV - no telemovies, no ads, no series, don't even bother to mention movies! I waited for his comeback on screen but he never showed up. Maybe he wasn't on TV, or maybe I didn't check properly whether he was on or not.

Then, there was this time when he actually played a role in a telemovie (or series) as an unfilial son. It was like - heaven, when I saw him. Then - again, I lost him (from the TV la). So I kept on waiting and waiting. For years! I wonder where did he go? I can't seem to find him anywhere on TV back then. I didn't know where to find him - either on TV or the net. Don't let me start with Astro, I never knew Astro until I was in high school! So zaman batu. Huhu. So I can't really look for him in there.

As I grow up, I still remember him - as someone who kind of disappeared from TV for quite a long time; until one day I saw him in one of the series on TV3. Unfortunately I can't stick to the series since I don't have a TV back in my hostel room. Damn Uni! Short after came along the movies - those movies where he was in, but not as a lead.
Well, not as a lead is OK for me long as I can watch him and put me - somehow a little away from the misery of craving to see him. Still, I have a few movies that have him in it that I haven't watched yet. Will find any DVDs or VCDs anywhere available and make a collection. Man, I'm totally head over heels for this guy!

Actually, I have met him - not really met; me and my sister sort of saw him and he noticed us looking at him. I didn't recognize him at first - he wore a pair of nerd glasses (huge black frame) with a hat (or a cap, I don't recall) but my sister said he was the one from the TV. We looked at each other for quite a moment and then stared (yeah, we smiled also) at him for a while and he just passed through the crowd. I hope there's going to be a deja vu for that incident. Lord please let it happen again.. Hehe.

**Now that he's one of the most hottest male star, everybody seems to put a little extra attention to him. I feel kind of jealous. Yep, jealous! Hell yeah I'm jealous! I discovered him - well, not to say discovered; but more to knowing him even when he was 16 man! Gosh! Yang baru2 kenal this guy ni dah mengaku fanatic la, #1 fan la, mad about him la and lotsa other craps! Dare I say that I am his #1 fan. Why? Cos, boy, have I waited so very long for him to appear on TV or movies! So to all those who watched Bohsia/Syurga Cinta/Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak and claim themselves as his #1 fan, you guys (or should I say girls) are just full of shit!
Ter-emo la pulak. Eheh.. :p But then, who gives a damn about it eh?

That Particular Dream

It was night..perhaps at dusk when I was busy putting on my praying clothes. At the time I looked at my reflection in the mirror, checking if there is any strands of hair, I saw a hand over my head, its finger pointing at a strand in the mirror, quite hairy, the hand I saw, I may say - touching my forehead. It startled me so I turned back to see whose hand was it - there he was, standing tall before me looked at me straight in the eyes and giving me the sweetest smile ever. Fireworks in my chest as well as a mountain of happiness in me,being able to see him flesh and blood. The sight of him reminds me of how much I've been missing him all my life since he went away that I couldn't even remember. We sat together with me still in my praying clothes and he before me. I stared at him while he looked at me - both of us were filled with bliss and joy. We talked and talked and talked like we used to do back in our old times at home when I lived with him. I needed to go to the toilet, we both knew that, but I sat there still, and he didn't say a word about that, as if he never noticed about that. We just kept talking, about happy-happy stuff; only those things that brings smile to our faces. Long did it go until I don't know when and how it ended...

June 17, I dreamt of my father coming to visit me thinking about how he came to me, I kinda realised that maybe this was a sign from The Greatest making me think that this maybe a kickstart for me to start putting myself closer to The Almighty. Dear Lord, nobody knows how I miss him. Only Thee and me.

Coldness That Freezes Bones

Just then he said he wanted to be friends with all but he did exactly the opposite. Heart was coming to a nice piece he turned it back to ashes, in split seconds flat. Flame was heating up inside he turned it to biting ice cold. Love learns bloom again he turned it to dry, lonesome, barren. With him around, it eases the pain and lifts the heart. Talking together instil laughs and smiles. Really thought I he could bring back all happiness and bliss. Heart says he could light up the faded hue in the eyes. How he could be the person I love all my life. How he could be the person I want to sing my feelings with. How he could be the person I devote all feelings inside.

I see him as a man with a kind heart. And I thought he was a very nice person. Blindly love grows to his features, forget all the flaws. Taught myself did I, search deeper than external so the Crimson feel remains eternal. Him to be the one, my last one of all I long for. Want to hold him high and lift his pain away. Wishing I he sings love songs to and honest with. Thought he could be the one I think of before falling asleep. Dream he would hand flower bouquet and speak of love. Crave for touch of his fingertips on bare skin and parting lips come together. Hope for a Garden of bliss in journey of life with him.

Does he have so much love in him that it never seems enough for him to share with only one person? Is the love so big that he has got to pour it to all the people around him? Does he enjoy hurting feelings that are for him? The tears for him, does he count them? He grows love and then kills it cold-heartedly? He calls here Love, another Dear, the other Darling? Must be mirth for him to tell lies and make fool of all. Is it joyful for him to watch breaking hearts? How it is easy for him to mutter sorry and offer friendship, when he knows the barren heart is trying to bloom with spring. He strikes lightning and blows storms thus making heart wounded and weather in heart is not gay no more; for all ever left is black, broken, empty heart.

Shall I call love Absurdity?
Shall I treat love Harshly?
Shall I see love Despicably?
Must all I feel is Pain; in love?
How fooled was I by a creature named man. Every other time.
Here, in blackest night of all the silent woods stand still and watch
Tears flooding on wet face; faunas stop chirp and listen to quiet cry
Along with coldness that freezes bones.

The Promise

Ready.

Are all we ready, prepared?
A journey, some called this -
Agree had I with - a journey life indeed
Facing the inevitable - inescapable

Certain moment where
The very last grain in
Hourglass falls
Breaths away does it take- leaving

Corpses lying..

A certainty us search for of what
Lies ahead - eternity.

Afford, are we of flames?
Of tortures along thus hellfire itself
Do we bear?

O sweet Paradise. How
To live in the
Wonderful allowed - are we even to see?
How then -

In God’s eyes, the life lived we?
Resentful?
Obey?
Worst?

Awaits..
Promise from The Mighty for
All living.

i love thee

I shall never let go

Lingering is what i desire
One blink of a moment, how the
Valley of running faces of thee
Every space of red heart of mine – thou art

Tender touch that arouses
How I long for thee – fill my senses!
Each moment - shall be in me til
Every petal falls from every rose

Shall I Ever Weep?

The bygone is bygone
Steadfast is sand of life
Leaving thus, a life, wasted
How shall I know when death is?
Not welcoming nor running
From destiny
As crimson of life breathes
Alive
Thou’ve gone far as Heaven
Leaves sorrow, tears upon heart
Why not stars, thee? Still.
Shall’t never change,
As I behold, beauty
Voice of nightingale in the woods
Forever shall thou embrace,
Love of a child
Awaits, the wings of God
For mortal it is men.
Shall I ever weep?

bleed

i dont know how i did not learn from my past failure. i open my heart so easily to a person just because im comfortable with him and that being with him helps me forget my previous, even for such a short time. when i ask him for an answer, he said he was not ready and was too afraid of losing. he still is now. so i told him that its ok if he's not ready and i wont put much hope on him. but the truth is that i face another rejection-another failure. maybe i was being impatient. maybe he was still haunted of the pain of losing. maybe.

Fallen To Stony Ground

Someone told me that he's getting engaged with someone, and here I am, still alone..
Wondering, 1 question pops up after another. How much love have I poured in the relationship, for him, yet I still can't get ahold of the one I want.

He made me walk away, and yes; I'm walking away from him. Far, far away so I can mend this bleed, put back all those returned broken pieces to its place.

I still dream of him, for what? I don't understand the meaning of this! I don't even know why he still lingers! Letting go is the hardest part for me to do, but I realize, this will be the best part of it when I get over it.

I just hope the best for both of them (that's the least I could do) and that he could change into a better person for the lady. I don't want her to end up like me - left alone bleeding and bleeding with endless pain. Instead, I want him to feel however I felt when I busted him cheating on me! I wish he would eventually know how it feels like to be dumped, fooled, cheated on, hurt and may you learn what exactly is pain!

Although I hate her for hooking up with him when he was mine, really, it is his fault because he was the one who wanted to cheat on me. Not with one, but a lot of them girls! Damn you my ex! Argh!