Paraprosdokian De Vivir

Like A Soap Opera

2012-02-08T20:41:00.000+08:00

Haih, entahlah. Tak tau nak cakap apa.

Aku sayangggg dia. Tapi bila aku takut, ni lah jadinya.

Bila makan tangan, aku tak marah. Aku tak benci. Apa lagi dendam. Memang tak ada. Tapi aku jadi takut. Aku takut sangat.
Aku takut dengan kemugkinan yang dia akan buat lagi. Aku takut nanti benda ni jadi macam common thing between us. Aku tak nak. Aku takut.

Marahlah kalau nak marah. Bencilah kalau nak benci. Tapi memang sungguh aku takut. Aku takut dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. Aku tak tau nak buat apa. Aku serba salah, antara sayang dengan takut. Aku tak mau sakit lagi.

Aku mintak maaf, terlalu terlalu. Bukan aku ada niat sengaja lukakan hati kau, sayang. Tapi aku takut. Inside out, aku mintak maaf.

Sepenuh hati, aku tak nak benda ni jadi. Aku tak nak hubungan berantakan lagi. Aku macam numb, tak rasa apa2. Aku jalan, buat apa yang aku buat haritu, tapi otak aku kosong. Aku menangis. Tapi, entahlah. Aku rasa kosong. Aku rasa macam terawang2 tak ada arah.

Sungguh, aku sayang. Aku cinta. Dan sekarang, aku rindu. Rindu sangat. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi dia kembali. Mungkin kali ni takkan lagi ada kita. Mungkin, dia pun tak nak lagi.

Kalaulah saat kau marah, aku peluk kau sekuat2 hati, mungkin semua ni takkan jadi.

Mungkin, mungkin.

My Small One

2012-01-24T12:29:00.000+08:00

That kitten has died. Thanks to him, keras kepala dia, degil dia. Banyak kali aku kata, pergi hantar kitten tu pergi kat Papa Hero, sana ada ibu kucing yg menyusu. Tapi dia tak nak.. degil.

Bangun pagi aku tanya mana budak kecik tu? Dia kata dah tanam.

Aku dah cakap. AKU DAH CAKAP!

Terbang lagi satu nyawa kat tangan dia. Degil tak habis-habis! Semua nak ikut kepala dia!

The Final Draw

2011-11-22T00:59:00.002+08:00

Aku kecewa.
Walaupun aku bagi dia everything, aku dedicate apa yang aku ada untuk dia, dia masih tak boleh tinggalkan apa yang melukakan hati aku. Even semua orang kat sekeliling kitorang tak setuju dengan apa yang dia buat, dia masih tetap dengan ego dia, nak aku terima apa yang dia buat as if benda tu nothing.
Dia cakap kat orang, bagi dia nothing. Bagi dia it's a small thing. Tapi bukan untuk aku. Dia nak aku tunggu dia, sayang dia, bagi semua kat dia, tapi dia tak nak buat yang sama kat aku. That's not fair. That's not a healthy relationship.

Just because Isz tak kisah Im berkawan dengan ex dia, tak bermakna aku sama dengan Isz. Aku lain. Pemikiran aku lain, cara aku lain. Im tak boleh expect aku sama macam Isz. Tapi aku tau, dia terpengaruh dengan apa yang Im cakap. Memang aku sangat disappointed dengan dia. Tak bother nak amik tau kalau aku hurt dengan dia, tapi ikut cakap kawan dia yang dia fikir betul. Bukan semua perempuan sama. Kalau aku sanggup tinggalkan social life aku untuk bersama dengan dia, kenapa dia tak boleh? Dia cakap dia nak settle down, tapi dia still nak keluar hangout, lepak, flirt.. Aku tengok cara dia, aku tau dia belum ready. Umur tolak tepi, sebab dia yang tak nak change & settle down.

Kali ni, yang buat aku betul2 give up, bila dia kata aku tak layak untuk dia. Fine. Aku tak kisah. Cakap la apa pun. Aku tau kat mana dia berdiri, kat mana aku berdiri. Aku tak sangka dia boleh insult aku sampai macam tu sekali, just because of money. Sebab duit! Aku dah suruh dia buang duit plastik tu lama dulu, tak nak. Sekarang? Sebab duit plastik tu relationship punah ranah.

Aku tau, setiap kali gaduh, setiap kali jauh, dia mesti cari 2 orang yang aku paling tak suka dia jumpa. Tapi itu yang dia akan buat. Memang aku tau. 2 orang tu yang dia akan cari. Regardless kalau aku dapat tau ke apa ke. Aku tak suka dia jumpa ex dia. Perempuan mana pun tak suka. Even kawan aku pun lantun bila dia tau. Apa perlunya dia nak jumpa ex dia? Aku nak tau sebab apa yang dia nak keep in touch sangat dengan ex dia. Apa yang penting sangat untuk dia jumpa ex dia, sedangkan dia tau itu yang paling aku tak suka? Kalau betul dia tak ada apa2 dengan ex dia, try bawak aku sekali lepak dengan ex dia. Tengok apa reaksi ex dia. And dia tak pernah terus terang dengan ex dia pasal apa yang betul2 jadi masa dia putus dengan ex dia dulu. Aku macam kept in the dark.

Fine. Aku sendiri ada jumpa ex aku. Tapi bersebab! Dia sendiri yang suruh aku contact ex aku, pasal dia tau apa sebabnya aku kena contact ex aku. Bukan just nak lepak2 buang masa ke apa ke. Bersebab! Dia tau pasal tu. Jangan samakan hubungan aku & ex aku dengan dia & ex dia. Tak sama!

Kawan 'baik' dia. Aku pernah tinggalkan dia sebab hubungan dia dengan minah tu. Sebab aku tak suka. Bukan sebab aku cemburu, tapi sebab aku tau minah tu bawak bad influence kat dia. Sama jugak macam Im. Bad, bad influences. Aku tak nak dia terpengaruh dengan benda2 yang mengarut dari kawan2 dia, sebab aku tau dia macam mana. Sebab tu aku tak suka. Dengan Im, aku tak boleh buat apa2 sebab dia dah kawan lama. Tapi minah tu, tak sampai setahun kenal. Aku tengok dia macam lembu kena cucuk hidung dengan minah tu. Ikut je apa yang minah tu suruh. Dia mungkin tak sedar, tapi aku dah perhati cara minah tu dari mula. There was, and there is something wrong somewhere. And aku tau kat mana wrong tu. Cuma dia belum sedar pasal tu.

Banyak benda yang buat aku frust dengan dia. Tapi aku tutup sebelah mata je. Sampai la dia hina aku sebab duit. Itu yang paling aku tak boleh terima. Sebab dia tak fikir yang aku kena simpan duit untuk buat bayar yuran, komitmen aku dengan family & insurans aku lagi. Aku nak sangat bagitau dia masalah aku, tapi aku tau, dia tak nak dengar pun.

Sayang, memang aku sayang. Separuh nyawa aku sayang dia. Apa pun aku sanggup buat untuk dia, asalkan relevan. Tapi apa yang aku korbankan, semua tu nothing untuk dia. Sebab dia tak nak sacrifice even sikit untuk aku. Aku dah tak boleh teruskan kalau aku tau apa yang dah jadi, akan jadi lagi. Benda yang sama akan berulang. Duit, dia lepak dengan Syakila, dia contact Farah, dia maki aku. The same thing akan repeat until God knows when. Dia bukannya tak boleh berubah. Tapi dia tak nak berubah. Sebab dia nakjaga reputation dia, & dia tak nak kena hanjeng dengan kawan2 dia, kalau dia berubah. Aku tau tu.

Aku tak boleh go on lagi. Mungkin ni kali terakhir kitorang gaduh, kali terakhir kitorang salah faham & gaduh sebab benda kecik & duit, kali terakhir aku kena maki dengan dia, kali terakhir aku hurt bila dia jumpa Syakila & Farah. Lepas ni dah tak ada lagi orang dengar Shira gaduh lagi dengan Nazim. Tak akan ada lagi aku untuk kawal & jaga life dia. Tak akan ada lagi. Sebab dia cuma boleh pilih salah satu. Aku, atau Farah & Syakila. Dia takkan boleh dapat dua2. And aku tau, ramai yang suka tengok kitorang break up. Ramai yang nak tengok dia dengan Farah get together. Even mak angkat dia. Orang tengok aku just sebagai perampas tunang orang, walaupun aku tak pernah buat macam tu.

Hubby yang ku sayang2,
Kalau you tak boleh buat pilihan...

I'm sorry. Forget me.

Morphine and Knees

2011-11-17T13:40:00.002+08:00

If you ever leave me baby, Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication to realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

There’s no religion that could save me,
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’, Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.

Cause there’ll be no sunlight, if I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away, Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I’ll never be your mother’s favorite, Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl, Walkin’ with that troublesome guy

But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand

Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make you mine

Don’t just say, goodbye, Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding, If that’ll make it right

Cause there’ll be no sunlight, If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies, If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

****

You laid next to me, pull me close to your chest. You played this song from the phone and asked me to listen to it. I didn't care about this song much, didn't have the urge to know more about it. But when you played the song, and you tell me to leave some morphine if I ever want to leave you, I started to listen to bits of words and... it's beautiful.

And I started to look for this song to download and it really is, beautiful. How a man is willing to do anything for his girl.

You kept on singing along with the song on phone, I felt sincerity in your heart for me - and this relationship that we're having.

Thank you. You came at the right time. I found the thing that I've been looking for. I haven't fall in love with you yet. But I know, you're the right person.

God willing, in time, step into love for the right reasons with the right person. When the time comes, love that you earn is worth the wait, tears & pain. As if it's never waited.

I thank God, thank God a lot for sending you to be next to me. Someone whom I need. Someone who'll love me with all your heart.

Thank you.

Turning Point

2011-11-08T00:30:00.000+08:00

May this time be good for both of us
Unexpected.

Thank God you're around.
Brutal awakening
But it opened my eyes

Thank God you're around.

Harini & Semalam.

2011-10-31T21:51:00.000+08:00

Semalam. Aku diam. Aku tak ada mood. Aku sakit kepala. Tapi aku tak marah kat dia, aku tak angin. Tapi kenapa dia tak tanya aku dulu, kenapa aku diam? Kenapa dia terus cakap aku angin tiba2? Padahal aku tak cakap apa2 pun. Bila balik, dia terus keluar pergi jumpa kawan baik dia, pagi baru balik.

Hari ni pun, bukannya dia nak tegur aku. Buat bodoh je. Aku marah, aku tak suka dia pergi melepak dengan kawan dia sampai ke pagi padahal bukannya minah tu nak bayar hutang pun. Konon je ajak jumpa sebab nak bayar hutang. Aku paling menyampah orang yg suka beralasan macam ni.

Malam ni pun aku kena tinggal lagi. Aku tau dia pergi mana. Tak apalah, pergilah kat kawan baik dia tu. Aku dah malas nak layan perangai dia. Tak pernah sikit pun nak peduli pasal apa yang aku tak suka dia buat.

Dari semalam, aku tunggu je bila dia nak tanya apa masalah aku. Aku tunggu je dia tanya kenapa aku diam, dingin dengan dia. Tapi aku tau, dia takkan tanya. Tobat dia takkan tanya. Aku tau dah.

Aku tunggu soalan dari dia, bukan tuduhan melulu.

Someone I need. Can you be that?

2011-10-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

I need someone who tells me he loves me. Will you tell me you love me, without having me asking?
I need someone who holds my hand whenever I feel bad. Will you hold my hand when I'm down?
I need someone to stays with me whenever I need them to. Will you be there as I always have been for you?
I need someone who remembers my likes & dislikes. Will you remember?
I need someone who keeps my heart in one piece. Will you not scatter my heart?
I need someone to correct me when I'm wrong. Will you be my guide?

You never said you love me.
You never held my hand whenever I need you to.
You never say those girls are nothing to you, because you loved me.
You never wiped my tears everytime I cry.
I don't get hugs from you when I was down.
You always did the things that I hate the most.
You loved to break my heart.
You loved to see me cry.

I don't ask for anything much, just keep my heart in one piece when I give it to you.
And if you think you understand me, you're wrong.
You may know me, but you don't understand me. Not just quite yet.

Always, Love

2011-10-25T11:58:00.000+08:00

I don't wish to be the most important person in your life because it's too much.
I just hope that one day, when you look at me, you will smile and say; she's the one who's always loved me.

Maybe.

2011-10-02T03:20:00.001+08:00

You don't buy me flowers, You don't buy me drinks
You don't drive me anywhere, but totally insane
We used to talk for hours, until the night was through
but recently your ego, is going through the roof
Maybe you need a wake up call, Cos' you're too comfortable
You think because you bed me you don't have to work at all

It seems like I gotta do wrong, to get your attention
but maybe when I call this man up, you'll finally start to wake up
I think i'm gonna have to cheat, to keep your eyes on me
but maybe if I make you jealous, you'll finally start to wake up

This is your wake up call
this is your wake up call
so wake up, wake up
you better wake up

You're underestimating , the kinda chick I am
'cos I don't have a problem, finding someone else
I'll put my little black dress on, and go out to the clubs
And you wonder whats going on , till tomorrow when your boys tell you
I was dancing with someone

Maybe you need a wake up call, you're way too comfortable
You think because you bed me you don't have to work at all
It seems like I gotta do wrong, to get your attention
but maybe when I call this man up, you'll finally start to wake up
I think I'm gonna have to cheat, to keep your eyes on me
but maybe if I make you jealous, you'll finally start to wake up

This is your wake up call
this is your wake up call
so wake up, wake up
you better wake up

You're taking me for granted, boy you're really slacking
If I see somebody I like, I'ma have to grab 'em
Time is running out but, you need to do me right so
I'ma get mine back, You better wake up

It seems like I gotta do wrong, to get your attention
but maybe when i call this man up, you'll finally start to wake up
I think i'm gonna have to cheat, to keep your eyes on me
but maybe if i make you jealous, you'll finally start to wake up

This is your wake up call
this is your wake up call
so wake up (seems like i got it all wrong)
wake up, you better wake up

This is your wake up call
this is your wake up call
so wake up, wake up
you better wake up

Mungkin. Mungkin bila aku dah start buat perangai macam betina, baru dia sibuk nak jaga aku kot? Nak kena aku buat sampai macam tu ke? Perlu ke? Katanya dia sayang, tapi layan aku macam nak tak nak je. Salah ke kalau dia tunjukkan kat aku yang dia betul2 sayang aku? Why does he have to play games? Aku pun tak faham. And the best part is, dia ikut sangat cakap kawan dia. You're no him, my love. Kawan dia tak hormat perasaan his GF sampai that girl dah malas nak bising. Dia pun nak ikut cara kawan dia ke? That's not right. Hubungan aku dengan dia tak sama dengan hubungan mamat tu dengan GF dia. Dia jugak tak boleh samakan aku dengan GF kawan dia. Serius aku tak faham. Otak aku tak boleh hadam benda ni. Berjuta2 kali aku cakap kat dia, cara aku tak sama dengan orang lain.

Nak tengok aku buat perangai?
Nak rasa kena tipu hidup2 macam yang dia pernah kena dulu?
Nak rasa aku buat dia jealous?

Aku boleh buat. Tapi aku tak nak.

Sebab aku tau aku sayang dia, & bila aku sayang, aku tak nak lukakan hati dia.

Tapi cara dia sekarang, buat rasa sayang yang ada dalam hati aku ni mati. Slowly. Makin hati aku sakit dengan dia, makin kurang butterflies yang ada dalam hati aku untuk dia. Dia nak macam ni ke?

Pelik lah.

Mak aku selalu cakap, kalau kita sayang kat someone, kita kena tunjuk kat orang tu yang kita betul2 sayang orang tu. Sebab bila kita dah kehilangan orang tu, kita dah tak boleh bagi dia rasa yang kita sayang kat orang tu. Dah tak boleh tunjuk yang kita sayang kat orang tu.

Mungkin dia nak tunggu sampai dia kehilangan aku, baru dia nak menyesal kot. Macam apa yang dia rasa kat ex dia sekarang. Mungkin.

Aku? Selagi aku boleh sabar, aku sabar. Tapi bila aku dah tak boleh tahan dengan perangai dia, Hannover, here I come!

Pepatah Melayu

2011-09-28T18:06:00.000+08:00

Kalau padi katakan padi
Tidak aku tertampi tampi
Kalau benci katakan benci
Tidak aku ternanti nanti

Seriously, aku rasa macam diperbodohkan. Aku rasa dipermainkan. Dia buat senyap tak habis2. Sampai aku rasa macam nak tanya dia betul2, dia nak sambung balik or just nak buat aku entertainment dia je? Aku tak faham, macam ni ke dia tunjuk yang dia nak sambung balik dengan aku? Dengan buat bodoh camni? Serius, aku tak suka apa yang dia buat sekarang. Nak test aku ke, nak main2 dengan aku ke, nak bodoh2kan aku je? Say something la bro! For the love of god! Haishhhh

Kerna Terpaksa...

2011-09-27T22:45:00.003+08:00

Aku tak suka tengok & dengar pasal dia dengan minah tu. Macam2 aku dengar pasal minah tu kat budak2 Broadband. Mungkin dia tak tau lagi minah tu siapa. Biarlah masa yang tentukan, lambat laun nanti dia tau sendiri. Aku tak nak pergi cakap kat dia, sebab aku tau dia takkan percaya. Jap lagi dia tarbiah aku, silap2 dia mengamuk. So biar dia dengar, tengok dengan mata & telinga dia, bukan dari aku.

Tadi aku nampak minah tu, dia pun nampak aku. Dia stare aku, aku pun stare-lah dia balik. Haha! Nampak obvious dari pandangan dia, yang dia tak suka aku. In fact pandang aku macam musuh. Biarkanlah dia.

Dalam keadaan macam ni, aku terpaksa pasrah je, terpaksa letak sepenuh trust kat dia. Takkan aku nak pergi serang minah tu jangan kacau BF aku? Tak macam budak2 pulak kan? Rasa macam menggelabah lebih pulak aku rasa, sedangkan apa yang aku dengar, minah tu yang cari2 dia. Bukan dia yang hegeh2 kat minah tu. Even aku tau macam mana dia treat minah tu, sebelum dia baik balik dengan aku. Aku kenal dia. Aku tau dia tengah serabut macam mana nak jauhkan diri dari minah tu, macam mana nak stay friends & aku tau dia tak nak terus putus kawan macam tu je dengan minah tu, even apa yang aku dengar pasal diorang memang buat aku hurt. Aku tau dia perlukan masa. Takpe, aku bagi dia masa. Biar dia settle dengan minah tu. Jangan sampai melarat2 je dah. Aku tak nak sampai jadi macam kes dulu. Cumanya, kalaulah minah tu datang confront aku untuk rebut dia, aku takkan teragak2 cakap dia tunang, bakal suami aku. Minah tu nak maki aku ke, nak tumbuk muka aku ke, yang aku tau Hubby aku tetap Hubby aku. Yang lain2 aku tak peduli. Unless kalau dia yang nak kat minah tu. Memang aku tak boleh buat apa2 la...

Hubby, aku tau dia sayang aku. Dia cuma perlu tanya diri dia sendiri; kalau betul2 dia sayang aku, kalau betul2 aku yang boleh jaga dia, and dia nak aku ada kat sebelah dia sampai bila2, pandai2 la dia settle dengan minah tu cepat2. Kalau betul2 dia sayang aku, pandai2lah dia pilih~

Samada dia nak jaga hati orang yang dia baru kenal, atau nak jaga hati orang yang dia panggil GF, yang dia kata dia sayang & sayang kat dia.

Tangled web, yet again.

2011-09-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

Hari tu dia mengaku aku girlfriend dia. So aku plan nak duduk sebelah dia & tanya. Sabtu, aku sengaja duduk sebelah dia time naik buddy. Dia cakap aku 'girlfriend' dia kan? Mestilah aku kena duduk sebelah dia. Kan? So hari tu aku duduk sebelah dia. Manja2, gedik2 dengan dia. Drama! Aku sengaja buat macam tu, nak tengok reaksi dia. Nak tengok macam mana dia layan aku. Tapi buddy dengan dia best! Aku belajar buat interaction practically. Dengan orang lain, aku dengar & tengok je. Tapi dengan dia, aku experience sendiri buat interaction. Aku tau dia suruh aku sebab nak ajar & dia malas sebenarnya, tapi it's for my own good. Practical is way better than theory.

Agak ramai terkejut la tengok aku duduk sebelah dia. Yang dah tau aku putus dengan dia tu lagi lah kan. Tengok aku pelik je. Haha. Macam2 aku tanya dia haritu. Tapi dia, biasalah. Statement2 tak boleh blah yang keluar dari mulut dia. Saja je nak menyakitkan hati aku. Haih. Lelaki kan, memang tak nak cakap apa yang diorang rasa.

Yang paling tak boleh blah, waktu aku pergi lunch boleh pulak dia mintak aku belikan air untuk dia. Macam apa ntah. Tak kisahlah, aku beli je. Memang selalu pun aku buat je apa yang dia mintak kan. So buat jelah. Then, masa aku lepak lepas balik, dia turun & ajak aku balik dengan dia. Bukan really ajak la, more like an order. Alasan dia? Refund duit beli air. Smart! Saja je dia tak nak bagi aku awal2 kan. So aku pun tunggu la. Macam dia tau2 je aku tak ada duit nak buat tambang balik. Haish!

What happened after that? Sambung la balik. Lepas itu & ini, long talk, aku kena tarbiah, kiranya we are back together lah. Aku pun tak sangka boleh jadi macam tu. Kalau ikutkan sebenar2nya niat aku, aku saja je duduk sebelah dia. Aku tak ada apa2 niat untuk sambung balik pun. Tapi tu lah, aku tak boleh control the flow. It just happened. Macam tu je, kitorang dah together balik. Motif kan? Hahaha.

But right now, aku tau he's playing games. Balas balik apa yang aku buat dulu. Jual mahal! Ingat aku tak tau? Hm! Aku kenal dia. Mungkin tak faham, tapi aku kenal dia. Sangat! Cakap la apa pun, buat la apa pun, apa yang dia buat tunjuk yang dia sayang aku.

But the irony is that dia yang bawak aku balik, manja2 dengan aku tapi at the end of the day dia buat macam aku yang nak return. Pelik pulak aku rasa. Siangnya aku drama, petangnya dia mengada2 dengan aku, malamnya aku yang upset! Weird! Aku rasa part yang aku mintak cincin balik tu kot, yang buat aku jadi camtu. I shouldnt have. Haish lagi!

Whatever it is, dia nak jual mahal ke apa ke, aku tau dia sayang aku. Aku amazed jugak la, dah banyak kali kitorang berjauhan lama, dia still cari aku. Tak pernah dia cari orang lain. As far as I know, and as much as he told me lah kan. Aku jadi respect kat di. Boleh dia tunggu lama, padahal kalau dengan aku tak dapat, siap mengamuk2 dia. Proud of him!

Dear Tiger, you can annoy me as much as you want. But deep inside your heart, I know I'm still there. Wink!

Demi Waktu. Sampai Bila Harus Menunggu.

2011-09-24T01:03:00.000+08:00

Betul lah. Dia still tak dapat lupakan ex dia. Motif? Dah dekat 2 tahun dia dengan aku, dalam hati dia still ada ex dia? Aku rasa bodoh gila. Serius. Rasa shitty gila! Rasa macam sia2 apa yang aku bagi kat dia selama ni. Everything is given for nothing. Sebab dia still ingat kat ex dia. Tuhan, aku crumble! Selama ni rasa insecure aku memang bersebab lah. Not me, really. It's him. Aku rasa macam ada benda tajam cucuk2 dada aku. Sakit!

Sampai bila, baru aku dapat rasa hati dia sepenuhnya untuk aku? Mungkin takkan jadi hal tu. Mungkin takkan pernah aku akan rasa cinta dia satu2nya untuk aku. Sebab sampai bila2 ex dia disimpan dalam hati.

Maafkan dia? Sentiasa. Luka macam mana pun aku, setiap kali dia sakitkan hati aku, memang aku selalu maafkan dia. Tapi sampai bila dia nak harapkan maaf dari aku sedangkan dia sendiri tak letak 100% untuk aku? And sampai bila aku nak simpan rasa insecure kat minah tu? Aku tau, aku bukan minah stylo, bukan seksi, bukan dambaan lelaki macam minah tu. Aku plain. Tak ada apa2 yang special kat aku. Mungkin sebab tu, mungkin kat situ dia tak dapat lupa minah tu. Mungkin. Aku tak tau. Aku bukan perempuan yang setiap kali keluar rumah pakai mekap tebal, pakai miniskirt, rambut buat cantik2. Bukan aku.

Mungkin jugak sebab dia lama dengan minah tu. That's why dia susah nak lupa. Tapi takkan tak boleh let go? Sampai dah bertunangan dengan aku pun still simpan minah tu dalam hati? Untuk apa? Macam mana aku nak spend life aku dengan dia kalau minah tu jugak yang dia ingat2 selalu? Aku tak faham. Sepatutnya bila dah bertunang, dah nak kahwin, hati dia, attention dia cuma untuk aku. Bukan untuk mana2 ex dia. Aku. Future wife dia. Yang akan jaga dia sampai bila2, yang akan lahirkan anak2 dia.

Haih. Orang kata perempuan complicated. Tapi aku tengok, lelaki sebenarnya jauh lagi complicated. Pandai control macho je.

Pulanglah Sebelum Ku Run Away

2011-09-22T22:44:00.001+08:00

Segalanya yang milik aku, masih ada pada dia.
Cincin aku, hati aku.

Dia sayangkan aku lagi ke?

Aku masih menunggu.
Selagi ada sayang dalam hati aku untuk dia, aku akan terus berdiri kat sini & tunggu dia datang peluk aku erat.

Selagi ada sayang.
Dalam hati aku, dalam hati dia.
Aku setia menunggu.

Confusion.

2011-09-22T22:38:00.001+08:00

Semalam, aku MC. Sakit! Haha. Lepak rumah je. Tengah malam, dia text aku. Tanya kenapa aku tak datang training. Pelik. Memang aku pelik. Kenapa? Selama ni dia buat bodoh je kat aku. Lalu sebelah pun buat tak nampak je. Tiba2 semalam nak text as if dia caring kat aku. Weird.

Hari ni, buddy session kat call floor. Ada la si budak junior pergi tanya dia pasal aku. Aku gf dia ke? The best part is that dia boleh mengaku aku gf dia. Motif? Padahal lalu sebelah aku, buat macam aku tak wujud je. Siap berdating dengan pompuan tah mana2. Lagi nak buat benda2 yg aku tak suka. Aku tak faham. Kenapa dia buat macam tu? Apa niat dia? Kalau nak teruskan relation ni, aku dah bagitau dia yang aku akan tunggu dia. Tapi cara dia macam tak nak dah. Apa ni? Jangan main2 boleh tak?

Aku dapat tau dia marah aku kat fb. Cakap aku ego la, berani aku putuskan hubungan dengan dia la.. Padahal awal2 lagi aku dah bagitau dia yang aku tunggu dia. Masih lagi aku yang ego ke? Aku dah mintak maaf, aku dah mengaku aku salah. Aku dah bagitau dia banyak kali yang aku akan tunggu dia. Tak ada apa2 pun?

And to think about it, dia yang buat hal. Dah tau aku tak boleh terima dia kawan balik dengan ex dia, kenapa buat jugak? Kenapa nak sakitkan hati aku? Ada aku pernah contact mana2 ex aku just untuk berkawan? Tak ada. Aku contact diorang bersebab. Bukan just untuk suka2, bukan untuk apa2. Kalau aku boleh buat, kenapa dia tak boleh buat? Dia tak pernah nak faham part tu. Aku tak suka, aku tak suka la! Kenapa nak buat jugak? Kan dah kena!

Kalau dia expect untuk aku tunggu dia sampai bila2, mungkin itu mustahil. Aku bukan tiang, aku bukan pungguk yang tunggu bulan. Aku manusia. Aku pun ada hati, ada perasaan, ada kemahuan untuk ada kekasih hati. Aku takkan mampu untuk tunggu dia lama2.

Selagi aku mampu tunggu, aku akann tunggu. Selagi ada rasa dalam hati aku untuk dia, aku akan tunggu. Tapi bila perasaan tu dah fade away, aku akan move on dengan life aku even aku tak punya sapa2. Migrate pergi German ke? Auntie Susanne mesti happy kalau aku pergi sana.

Aku sedia maafkan segala apa yang dia buat kat aku. Tapi dia susah nak maafkan salah aku. Nak buat macam mana, kan? Orang dah tak nak. Aku pun tak nak lah jadi hidung tak mancung, pipi tersorong2.. Pasrah jelaa..

It was raining, that Night.

2011-09-16T19:55:00.002+08:00

I let it fall, my heart. And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong. But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms, without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you, that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true,
And the games you play, you would always win, always win.
But I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried, 'cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you, I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here forever. You and me together, nothing gets better
'Cause there's a side to you, that I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true,
And the games you play, you would always win, always win.
But I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried, 'cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain,and I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died, 'cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door, that heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over, I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried, 'cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died, 'cause I knew that was the last time, the last time, oh, oh!
Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn!

Aku rasa macam lagu kena dengan aku sekarang. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Tambah pulak dengan suara Adele, memang power ah lagu ni. Sampai aku dah boleh hafal dah. Kalo dah masuk KTV aku nak karok lagu ni nanti. Hahaha!

Tiap2 bait lirik lagu ni macam cerita hubungan aku dengan dia. Suka duka dari mula2 aku kenal & berkapel dengan dia. Sampailah ke hujung hubungan kitorang. Memang terkesan kat aku. Terbayang2 hubungan kitorang. Verses, bridge. Layan perasaan je bila dengar. Huhu.

Semalam. Kali terakhir aku pandang dia dengan rasa sayang. Kali terakhir aku rasa warmth dari pelukan dia, dengar nafas dia kat telinga aku. Kali terakhir jugak aku pesan untuk dia jaga diri.

Malam semalam aku tau, ini kali terakhir hubungan aku dengan dia berantakan. Lepas ni dah tak ada lagi bergaduh, tak ada lagi salah faham, tak ada lagi mengamuk, maki2, & takkan ada lagi aku cemburu, marah or nasihat dia. Tak ada jugak lagi aku nak halang apa yang dia nak buat, dengan siapa dia nak berkawan, macam mana dia nak tentukan life dia. Tak ada jugak aku untuk jaga dia, peluk dia malam2, layan sembang kereta & future dia. Semua tu dah jadi 1 buku tebal yang aku simpan dalam hati. Tak mungkin aku akan jumpa lagi hubungan macam ni lepas ni.

Ralatnya aku, hati aku nak tengok dia berubah. Aku nak bantu dia berubah. Tapi aku cuma sempat ubah sikit je dalam diri dia. Perubahan2 serius aku tak sempat. 2 tahun tak cukup untuk aku lembutkan hati dia. Silap aku jugak, sometimes aku gunakan kekerasan. Sometimes aku tak peduli hati dia, aku ikut hati aku je. Aku pentingkan diri. Tapi nak buat macam mana, aku menangis air mata darah pun masa takkan undur balik. Life goes on, even aku tak nak. Hati aku still ada kat bulan puasa haritu. Hm, entahlah. Kadang2 aku rasa macam aku tak ada jodoh dengan dia. Kadang2 pulak aku rasa macam ni semua dugaan nak kahwin. Yang mana satu betul, aku pun tak tau. Sigh. Mungkin belum masa aku kot. Walaupun aku nak dia kat sebelah aku sampai bila2, regardless macam mana teruk hubungan kitorang.

Aku gagal. Aku gagal jadikan dia lelaki budiman. Aku gagal jadikan dia lelaki sejati. Aku gagal dalam hubungan ni. Gagal jadikan hubungan kitorang harmoni. Aku gagal jadi pasangan yang lebih baik untuk dia. Aku lemah, tak cukup kuat untuk jaga dia. Tak cukup wise untuk handle dia. Tak cukup sabar untuk tahan kerenah dia. Islam kata, dengan sabar mudah2an orang tu lembut hati. Tapi aku lupa part tu, aku nak fast results. That's where I failed the most, sabar. Apa yang orang sekeliling aku cakap, tak boleh pakai. Suruh balas apa yang dia buat la, tunjuk girl power la. Those are bad ways to tackle a man. Aku silap.

Ralatnya lagi, aku tak faham kenapa dia masih nak berkawan dengan ex dia. Aku tak nampak apa2 kepentingan or benefit yang dia dapat kalau berkawan dengan ex dia. Entah kenapa dia still nak kawan dengan ex dia, sedangkan dia sendiri tau minah tu bermusuh dengan aku. Motif? Berkawan dengan tunang aku, tapi bermusuh dengan aku. Doesn't make any sense. Dia pun, macam tak peduli. Aku jealous ke, aku kecik hati ke, dia still nak contact ex dia. Tak bother langsung. Hm, aku pun tak faham. Plus, kalau dia nak berkawan dengan ex dia, kenapa tak clarify dengan ex dia pasal the truth? Kenapa dia biarkan je minah tu anggap aku perampas? Itu lagi aku tak faham. Nak play innocent ke? Kejam sangat tu, biarkan. Actually, itu yang aku harapkan dari dia. Jelaskan perkara sebenar kat minah tu. But it never happened. Tiu. Jadilah aku perampas sampai bila2. Now that dah putus, jadilah aku yang orang kata perampas tak hidup bahagia. Hm.. What to do...

Hari raya, aku marah. Even sebelum2 tu pun, aku jadi pemarah. Silap sikit je nak marah. Selalunya aku boleh kawal marah aku. Tapi bila dah nak dekat2 raya, aku makin bukan diri aku. Bukan aku yang boleh menangkan sabar daripada marah. Bila aku sendiri, bila aku start mengadu pada Allah balik, baru aku sedar betapa tinggal solat & maksiat buat aku jadi macam tu. Aku jadi sangat provocative, pendendam, angry. Mungkin jugak sebab aku dah lama sabar dengan dia, aku senang explode. Cumanya kali ni aku keterlaluan. Aku sendiri pun rasa melampau. Mungkin sebab tu dia tak dapat maafkan aku lagi. My bad, it made me lose one hell of a relationship. Pasrah jela. Nak buat macam mana, orang dah tak nak. Takkan aku nak paksa. Itu keputusan dia. Walaupun dia tak kata apa2, aku faham yang dia dah tak nak teruskan lagi.

Abang aku tanya, percaya Allah tak? Ya, aku percaya Allah. Aku redha dengan keputusan Dia, dengan ujian Dia. Aku cuma mintak kekuatan dari Dia untuk go through ujian ni, & go on dengan life aku. Aku syukur dengan apa yang aku ada dari Dia.

Aku yakin pada ketentuan Allah. Betul apa orang cakap, kalau kita mengadu pada Dia, rasa tenang gila! Aku dah dapat tu. Betul cakap abang aku, yang penting niat dalam hati kita ikhlas untuk mintak kat Dia, insyaAllah Dia akan dengar permintaan kita.

Untuk satu2nya lelaki yang aku panggil fiancee, tiap2 hari aku doa pada Tuhan supaya Dia bukakan hati kau untuk terima hidayah & jadi hamba yang beriman & bertakwa pada-Nya. Aku doakan kau jadi lelaki yang lebih baik, & moga2 hati kau terbuka untuk tunaikan 5 Rukun agama kita. InsyaAllah.

Lonely Road

2011-09-13T23:23:00.001+08:00

Verse 1
Hush my baby, Don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes. Fulfill your heart's desire.
Let's go in. Try again.
Careful this time. Broken promises linger in our mind.

I'll give in completely. Hearts break so easy.
I know. Believe me. Oh, I've tried.
But my arms can hold you. My kiss console you.
I'll come and love you tonight.

Verse 2
Come and share my house, my home, and all I own.
I'd love to give to you.
Aren't you tired of going along this lonely road?
It takes its toll on you.

Give me your emotion, your heart's devotion.
Give anything you like.
And I'll give understanding. Life's so demanding.
I'm all you need to get by.

Chorus
And I...
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.

And You...
You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.

Still return
Still return to love (Oh)
Keep coming back to love (Ah oh)

Bila aku dengar lagu ni, aku mau return. Aku mau macam dulu. Tak peduli macam mana teruk kau lukakan hati aku, aku tetap mau. Sebab aku sayang. Aku tau aku masih sayang. Macam mana aku tau? Hari ni, aku masih menggigil berdepan kamu. Masih. Aku tak tau kenapa. Aku lemah depan kamu. Apa yang aku buat, semuanya pura2. Aku cuma pura2 kuat, tunjukkan muka moody yang plastik didepanmu. Tapi hakikatnya hanya aku yang tahu. Hari2 aku mintak pada Tuhan kekuatan, tapi dengan kamu aku lemah. Kau macam kryptonite aku. Dan dengan masih ada sikit sayang tu, aku masih nak cuba. Pertahankan apa yang aku ada dengan kamu. Teruskan perancangan kita, perjalanan kita. Sama2 kita bina sedaya upaya.

...

Tapi, bila aku fikir balik, untuk apa? Untuk apa aku masih nak simpan perasaan tu kalau kau tak sikit pun peduli? Untuk apa aku berharap kalau kau tak pernah mau bagi jawapan? Untuk apa aku sayangkan kau bila hati kau bukan sepenuhnya untuk aku? Setiap kali kau sendiri, kau cari mantanmu. Setiap kali. Kau lebih suka begitu. Kau lebih suka bersama kawan2 & mantan kau. Kau seolah2 benci pada aku. Kau bebas, kau tak dijaga, tak dikawal. Kau tak punya siapa untuk tegur, rajuk & bantu. Mungkin rasanya kau lebih suka begitu. Bujang, hidup senang tak dikekang. Untuk itu, tak ada guna aku berharap, sebab dalam hati kau mantan pemiliknya masih ada. Katamu semua mantanmu masih kau sayang. Bermakna aku berkongsi hatimu dengan yang lainnya? Sedangkan hati aku seluruhnya untuk kamu!

Untuk apa, untuk apa aku disini mengharapkanmu tapi aku hakikatnya hanya berkongsi hatimu? Lebih baik aku sendiri sampai mati daripada berkongsi kau yang paling aku sayang! Aku lebih rela begitu. Tak pernah aku pinta apa yang tak mampu kau tunai. Dari dulu sampai sekarang, yang aku mau hanya seluruh hatimu. Hanya itu. Hatimu. Kadang aku fikir sendiri, apa kau betul2 cintai aku? Sebab, kalau sayang kau takkan sakiti aku. Kalau sayang, kau ambil berat akan perasaanku. Kalau sayang, kau peduli apa mahuku. Dan kalau kau sayang, kau hormati perasaan & permintaan aku. Tapi kau tak buat tu. Macam mana untuk aku terus menaruh harapan, sedang hati aku sendiri tak mampu aku ubatkan.

Aku mau happy dengan kamu. Tapi aku tau itu tak mungkin berlaku. Aku bukan lagi dalam hatimu, itu aku tahu. Rindu, memang aku terlalu rindu. Tapi kau tak nampak aku. Dalam hati, minda & fikiran, cuma ada mantanmu. Dia segala2nya untukmu. Segala apa yang aku lakukan untukmu, masih tak terlawan dengan mantanmu. Bagaimana aku usaha untuk menangi hatimu, tetap lagi kau pilih mantanmu. Walau macam mana aku ada disisimu setiap kali kau memerlukan, tetap juga kau pilih mantanmu. Aku bukan siapa2 bagimu. Aku cuma orang suruhan yang menurut segala perintah & kemahuanmu. Namun bukan aku yang utama untukmu, kau pilih mantanmu. Hatimu tak punya tempat untukku. Aku faham. Tak perlu lagi aku menunggu.

Pedih bila aku tau, tapi tak mengapa. Dalam hari2ku, doa aku panjatkan untuk kebahagiaanmu. Moga satu hari nanti kau juga turut sama berdoa. Aku mohon pada Tuhan agar pintu hatimu dibuka & ditiupkan hidayah. Aku tau hatimu. Bukalah hatimu untuk Yang Esa. Moga dengan rahmatnya kau ketemu bahagia yang selalu kau cari2. Aku hanya mampu berdoa. Yang memutuskan untuk berubah itu cuma kamu. Aku hanya mampu tunjukkan pintu, yang akan membukanya nanti kamu.

Aku bukan bidadarimu. Kau pilih mantanmu, bukan aku.

Berbuat Baik & Bersabar...

2011-09-13T22:10:00.001+08:00

Ya Allah. Haram hukumnya memutuskan silaturrahim! Aku baru baca artikel, buat baik pada sesiapa walaupun orang tu buat jahat pada kita. Subhanallah.. Apa aku dah buat ni?

Kisah hadis:
Seorang lelaki bertanya: “Wahai Rasulullah sesungguhnya aku mempunyai beberapa orang kerabat, yang hubungan aku erat dengan mereka tetapi mereka memutuskannya. Aku berbuat baik kepada mereka tetapi mereka berperangai buruk kepadaku, aku bersabar mengahadapi sikap mereka itu tetapi mereka menganggap sikapku itu adalah bodoh.”
Kemudian baginda menjawab: ”Sekiranya benar sepertimana yang engkau katakan itu, maka seolah-olah engkau menyuap mereka dengan abu yang panas, sedangkan engkau sentiasa mendapat pertolongan daripada Allah Taala selama mana engkau berada di dalam kebenaran atas perkara yang demikian itu”.

Kita kena sabar dalam semua keadaan - itu yang ukur darjah keimanan kita. =.='
Islam ajar kita jangan balas keburukan yg orang buat, tapi tambah kebaikan kat diorang, mudah2an orang tu lembut hati. *sigh*
Allah sentiasa tolong orang yg sabar & benar. *cry!*
Semua Muslim wajib hubungkan silaturrahim & haram putuskan. *argh!*

Fullstop. Period. Kaput.

2011-09-12T22:27:00.003+08:00

Lagu macam lagu cinta. Sekali video klip lagu ni sedih gila la! Menitik jugak air mata tengok lagu ni. Haish!

Ternyata semua bicaraku tersimpan didalam hatiku
Ternyata semua soalanku tak pernah kau fikir di fikiran

Tuhan tolong nyatakanlah padanya tentang cinta
Adakah masih diriku diperlukan?
Tuhan tunjukkan padanya tentang apa yang ku fikirkan
Adakah cinta ini perlu untuk dirinya?

Berbicara tentang cinta kita
Masih tiada noktah penghujungnya
Berbicara tentang perasaan, simpan saja semua itu

Mengapa kau masih mencari kepastian dalam cinta?
Dan disini masih mencari jawapannya!

Finally. Aku dapat get over kamu. Tak ada lagi degup jantung bagai genderang, tak ada lagi tubuhku bergoncang menatapmu. Sayang? Mungkin ada secangkir lagi. Aku berterima kasih padamu, kerana sikapmu, segala2nya tentangmu, juga perbuatanmu, semua itu menjadikan aku kuat. Cukup kuat untuk aku teruskan perjalanan hidup tanpa ada kamu disisi aku.

Kau ajar aku erti tabah & sabar. Aku lebih bahagia tanpa kamu. Aku dipertemu hidayah, diperdekat dengan Tuhan. Harapku, doaku agar kau dapat menjadi lelaki sebenar2nya sejati, hamba yang bertaqwa. Yang mengerti, peduli & menghormati hati seorang perempuan & taat pada suruhan-Nya.

Terima kasih, sayang.

Someone

2011-09-11T00:57:00.000+08:00

Stereo Love

2011-09-09T22:51:00.003+08:00

Lirik lagu techno ni best pulak aku dengar. Chorus apatah lagi. Meleleh hingus!

When you're gonna stop breaking my heart?

You won't see my cry
I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain
But I'm smiling for you.

Pergh. Ayat bunga!

Nice.

Aku cuma mau kau ingat satu perkara, lelaki. Sejauhmana baik hubungan kau dengan kawan - tiap kali kau jatuh, tiap kali kau susah, tiap kali kau kusut, aku kat sebelah kau. Tiap kali kau perlukan seseorang, aku kat depan kau. Bukan ex kau, bukan kawan baik kau.

Aku.

Walk. Don't Turn Back.

2011-09-09T02:18:00.002+08:00

Hati aku sakit bila tengok kau bersama dia. Sayang. Silap aku sendiri, bila kau buat salah, aku begitu mudah maafkan. Tapi bila aku buat salah, kau hukum aku seolah2 aku langsung tak layak dimaafkan.

Sayang. Andai kau sayang, kau tatang, kau jaga elok2. Kau tak lukakan. Aku rasa tak perlu ada lagi sayang untuk kau, bila kau sesuka hati hancurkan hati aku. Tak mungkin lagi aku dapat terima kau. Pergilah kau dengan kawan2, perempuan2, mantan2 kau yang lebih kau hargai perasaan diorang. Bukan aku. Pergi jauh2 dari hidup aku.

Aku mau berhenti sayang, rindu, ingat pada kau.

Kau tak tau apa erti sayang yang sebetulnya.
Kau belum tau apa itu hargai orang yang kau sayang.
Kau perlu belajar hormat perasaan orang lain, especially orang yang sayangkan kau.

Hati aku hancur; untuk kali yang keberapa? Aku lost track.

Sayang? Cinta?

Full of shit.

Fuck it. Fuck all of it.

Do Not Leave Me

2011-09-07T03:12:00.006+08:00

Lagu telenovela yang adik aku gila2 sangat. Best jugak. Tapi hero drama ni tak hemsemlah. Not my type or eye candy. Layankan lagu je.

No puedo olvidar, El tono de tu voz
Me extendio la mano Necesitaba amor

No puede olvidar El mar de tus ojos
Sien el fondo de ellos Brilla mi dolor

Cuanto tiempo debo, Esperar un rayo de sol
Cuanto tiempo debo, Caminar para llegar a tu amor

No me esperes, No me dejes
Yo te encuentro en su momento

No me hables, No te busco
Yo me pierdo entre tus besos
No lo puedo evitar

Ni tu ni yo, Lo podemos evitar
#
#
I can not forget the tone of your voice
I reached needed love

Can not forget the sea of your eyes
Temple deep inside them, shine my pain

How long should I wait a sunbeam
How long should I walk to get to your love

Do not wait, do not leave me
I find you in time

I do not speak, do not look for you
I'm lost in your kisses

I can not help
Neither you nor I can avoid

**Jiwang gila owh! Versi Spanish punya juwang. XD

Aku Yang Terrible

2011-09-02T06:12:00.007+08:00

Aku. Aku yang short-tempered, cepat melenting, emosi. Aku selalu ikutkan marah, ikutkan hati. Aku fikir aku kuat. Tapi sebenarnya aku tak mampu bear the consequences atas apa yang aku buat. Aku lemah. Aku selalu ikutkan perasaan aku, tanpa fikirkan hati orang lain. Aku yang pentingkan diri sendiri, pentingkan nafsu sendiri. Sebab amarah aku, semua orang yang aku sayang aku letak makin jauh. Aku nyata silap. Berbual dengan Mama hari ni buat aku sedar betapa aku silap. Tentang segala2nya.

***

Hubby, maafkan I. Mungkin apa yang I rasa untuk you sekarang, dah terlalu lambat. Mungkin dalam hati you dah tak ada Shira yang you panggil Baby lagi. Mungkin jugak kali ni you takkan dapat maafkan I lagi, buat selama2nya. I sedar, betapa I silap dalam perasaan tak selamat, dalam rasa cemburu yang terlalu. I tak mampu terima keadaan kita yang fragile. Terlalu fragile sampai kita tak mampu bertahan untuk jangka masa yang panjang.

Apa yang Mama cakap betul. Jangan sekali2 pertaruhkan hubungan setiap kali ada kita bergaduh. It makes our relationship so fragile that silap sikit pun boleh scatter. And she was right, never ever put our relationship at stake.

I silap, sayang. Tapi sungguh, I tak mampu terima hubungan you dengan dia. I takkan mampu tutup sebelah mata & pretend yang I tak rasa apa2. Dengan yang lain, I tak kisah.. Tapi dia, dia. I tak mampu, B. Susah untuk I faham situasi ni, bila I berkali2 mohon maaf tapi dia tak bagi kat I. Tapi bila dia berkawan elok dengan you, I jadi tak suka. I tak boleh terima. Sebab bagi dia I perampas, I perempuan sundal, bitch.. I tak boleh terima bila orang yang you panggil kawan, panggil I bitch.

Memang, memang I tak faham hubungan you dengan dia. Dan I takkan mampu faham sepenuhnya kalau you sendiri tak nak bagi I faham duduk perkara sebenar2nya. You sendiri tau, betapa cemburu I dengan mana2 perempuan yang dekat dengan you. Apatah lagi dia, yang dulunya kawan baik I, rapat dengan I, bercerita segala apa dengan I. Dan dia jugak sekarang masih panggil I musuh dia, hanya sebab dia percaya I perampas tunang dia satu masa dulu. I tak faham, kenapa you tak sekali pun bagitau dia yang I tak pernah rampas you dari dia, and end this misunderstanding.

Tolonglah, tolong bagi I faham. Bagitau I apa yang ada dalam hati you, I tak mampu baca hati you kalau you tak mau berkongsi dengan I.

Dua hari, I marah betul kat you. Tapi lepas tu, lepas I talk dengan Mama, I sedar apa yang I buat kat you sangat teruk. Mama suruh I letak diri I in your shoes. And I can tell how bad you must feel bila kena maki macam tu. Sama macam apa yang I rasa dulu. And I feel horrible for all that I have done, without thinking straight. I mengaku I silap, betul2 silap. I tak mampu betulkan apa yang I dah buat. I screwed up. All I can do is promise you that this will never happen again.

Bila I tanya Mama, dia cakap kalau you dah sanggup spend 1 hari raya pertama, all day dengan I & family, takkan itu tak cukup lagi? Kita dah nak kahwin, tapi I belum dapat get over our past. Jangan tanya I kenapa, I pun tak ada jawapannya. I jadi gila when it comes to her.

I tau, apa yang I buat teruk sangat. I tau you pantang kalau I nak break-up, tapi itu yang I selalu buat. I provoke you. I tau you marah. You marah sangat2. Mungkin sampai bila2, you tak dapat terima I balik. Apa yang mampu I buat, is that I mintak maaf sangat2 atas segala apa yang jadi. I mintak maaf dari hujung rambut, sampai hujung kaki. And I janji pada you, I takkan sebut2 lagi about breaking up, walau macam mana teruk kita bergaduh..

I terlalu sayangkan you, I tak mampu kehilangan you, I tak mampu tengok you dengan orang lain. Kalaulah you tak nak teruskan hubungan kita, I rela pergi jauh dari KL, jauh dari semua yang ingatkan I pada you daripada tengok you dengan orang lain. I tak mampu, I tak mampu sayang.

From deep down inside, apa yang I cakap malam tu sebenarnya I tak maksudkan langsung. Tak pernah ada niat untuk I putuskan hubungan kita. Silap I, tak berterus terang dengan you. I berkias dengan cara kasar, biadap. Malam tu, I tunggu you datang & pujuk I, sebab I marah. I say things that I don't mean, just to make you angry. Tapi I lupa, bila you marah, I takkan dapat apa yang I nak dari you, yang you selalu bagi masa kita happy.

I ingat I cukup kuat untuk hidup tanpa you, tapi I lost bila you tak ada. Hidup I tak terurus tanpa you. Apa yang I tau B, I sayang you sepenuh hati. Tak ada yang lain. Datanglah putera raja sekalipun, I tetap pilih you. And I tau, dalam hati you, ada rasa sayang yang banyak untuk I. Kalau tak, you takkan buat segala2nya untuk I. I tau tu, B.

Mungkin ini ujian untuk kita, mungkin ini untuk kita bina persefahaman bersama, mungkin ini titik perubahan untuk I, dan mungkin ini jugak titik noktah untuk kita. I tak tau. I cuma mampu berserah.

Tapi, kalaulah you tak dapat terima I balik, I tak mampu buat apa2. Itu keputusan you, and I tak paksa you untuk terima I. Cuma I mintak you pertimbangkan keadaan ni, dan maafkan I kali ni macam mana selalunya I maafkan semua perbuatan you. Itu je yang I mintak. Kalau you tetap dengan keputusan you, I tak mampu buat apa2, sebab salah I sendiri. I kena tanggung akibatnya. I terima apa pun keputusan you. I cuma mampu tawakal & kalau jodoh I dengan you, I akan jumpa you & kita akan teruskan hubungan ni macam dulu. Tapi kalau jodoh bukan milik kita, you tak nak teruskan lagi, I terpaksa reda.

I tau, dalam hati you ada rasa sayang & cinta untuk I. And kalau masih ada rasa yang kuat untuk I, baliklah. I tunggu you. Selagi ada sayang, I masih nak cuba, nak bina masa depan kita.

Sincerely B, from the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my misbehaviour. I love you; truly, madly, deeply.

***

Mama pesan, ini aku kena jadikan titik perubahan dalam diri aku. Macam mana? Aku sendiri tak tau. Mama suruh aku jadi seorang yang sabar, laid back, chill & tenang. Jangan terlalu cepat nak melenting tak tentu pasal. Akibatnya bukan orang lain, tapi aku sendiri yang tanggung. Aku kena belajar jadi seorang yang wise, fikir sebelum aku buat apa2. Biasalah aku, degil. Keras kepala. Ikut hati. Aku lupa, orang tua2 kata 'ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa'. Aku kena pegang pepatah tu, buat guideline supaya aku tak buat silap yang sama lagi.

Mama pesan lagi, kalau kita lukakan hati orang yang kita sayang, sebenarnya apa yang kita buat tu sama macam kita lukakan hati kita sendiri.

Aku janji dengan diri aku sendiri sayang, aku takkan lukakan hati kamu lagi. Takkan.

Bila Penipu Berlagak Jujur

2011-08-28T00:55:00.000+08:00

Orang kata trust macam cermin. Sekali pecah, kalau cantum balik, reflection takkan sama macam sebelumnya.

Masalah aku yang paling besar; aku mudah percaya kat orang. Be it anybody, bila aku selesa dengan dia, aku akan mudah percaya even bukan 100%.

Tadi aku tengok gambar kau berpeluk dengan kawan baik kau. Mesranya sampai berpeluk2! Sayangnya kau kat kawan baik kau tu kan? Sampai berpeluk sakan. Kawan kau pun suka kau peluk dia. Senyum je dia. Suka lah, berjaya buat aku tinggalkan kau & dia dapat kau totally untuk dia. Tak payah nak share2 dengan aku. Honestly, aku rasa macam nak baling kamera tu bagi bersepai. Baru puas hati aku. Panas!

Tapi nak buat apa, kan? Rugi je kamera mahal2 lingkup.

Jujur aku cakap, memang dulu aku tengok dia bukan apa2 untuk kita. Tapi lama2 aku tengok dia makin melampau. Buat kau sesuka hati dia. Aku tau, kau tu kawan yang caring lah, ambik berat lah. Tapi takkan ambik berat sampai kau nak peluk betina laknat tu? Kawan2 jantan kau sentuh pun tak! Konon, anggap dia macam adik lelaki kau. Adik lelaki orang tak peluk lah! Bebal ke apa?

OK. Whatever it is, point aku is that betina laknat yang kau sayang2 tu penipu besar! Kau tu buta!

Panggil aku jealous freak, tapi bila aku kata aku tak suka betina tu, aku tak suka! Aku takkan terima dia balik sebagai kawan. Takkan. Kau sendiri panggil dia pondan, maknanya dia tak sejantan mana macam yang dia canang2kan. Sejak dari awal aku rapat dengan ko dulu betina, aku dah tangkap kau menipu. Minum kopi, tapi bila aku tanya balik, ko kata ko tak minum kopi? WTF? Who are you fooling here, bitch? Aku bukan 5 tahun. Aku bukan kawan2 kau yang kau boleh kencing sesuka hati.

Banyak kali aku tengok kau menipu. Apa kau dapat dengan menipu? Kau dapat win hati tunang aku, kau dapat buat dia tunduk kat segala kehendak kau?

Aku tengok profile kau. Aku mengaku. Call me a stalker, or whatever you want. After all, mostly people stalk on that social network web. Sape je yang tak stalk? Kau? Berenti la menipu. Segala apa yang kau bagitau aku, semua aku ingat. So don't lie. You're busted the second you do.

Kau amik masa dia, kau tarik perhatian dia, kau kikis duit dia, kau kata kau jujur? Pergi mampus! Jujur my ass! Kau memang slick la, serius. Aku ingat hati kau baik, tapi rupanya kau punya agenda terbaik! Memang aku tertipu dengan kau. Ramai pun tertipu dengan helah kau kan? Baik. Memang, memang kau BAIK sangat!

Pinjam duit orang, janji bayar bila? Lepas tu, tangguh. Lepas tangguh, macam2 alasan kau bagi. Tukar kerja la, cek tak keluar la, gaji sangkut la, mak kau punya hal la apa la! Aku tengok kau pergi makan kat tempat2 yang harga sepinggan dish 50-60rm? Macam tu, takde duit? kat gambar kau, pakai android apa? Galaxy Tab? Kau curi ke Tab tu? Or kau jumpa kat tepi jalan? Memang kau dasar penipu!

Orang kalau jantina sendiri pun dia nak tipu, apa lagi benda2 lain, kan? Diri sendiri pun kau tipu, apa lagi orang lain. Aku paling benci penipu. Seriously, memang aku benci penipu. Once kena tipu, aku boleh bagi muka. Tapi kalau 2nd chance kau screw up, memang kau bukan sapa2 lagi untuk aku. Apatah lagi kalau nak berkawan balik dengan kau. Big no-no!

Aku takkan maafkan kau. Takkan sekali2. Kau nak menggatal, kau nak bermanja, kau cari jantan lain. Jangan kau nak cari tunang aku lagi. Kau nak rasa makan tangan, kau buat.

Aku ingat dalam hati, dalam kepala. Kalau diri sendiri pun kau tipu, orang lain sepuluh kali kau boleh tipu. Memang kau golongan laknat. Aku benci golongan laknat, takkan sekali2 aku bercampur dengan orang macam kau lagi.

Bloody Angry

2011-08-27T08:07:00.000+08:00

Angry and bloody over trifles.

Pagi ni aku tak ada mood. Aku tengok kau tertekan tak dapat cari barang2 kau, kau mengamuk baling segala benda yang yang ada depan mata kau. Habis gelas semua pecah, kain baju yang tergantung kau tarik ranapkan habis semua. Apa ni sayang? Kau seharusnya belajar bersabar, ingat puasa bukan tahan lapar & dahaga je. Sia2 kau puasa kalau amarah kau tak dikepung.

Jujur, aku tak suka. Aku benci. Aku benci tengok orang mengamuk pasal hal remeh. Ini baru sebab kecik yang kau nak marah2kan. Macam mana kalau aku letupkan kereta kau? Musnahkan motor kau? Apa kau nak buat? Patahkan tulang empat kerat aku? Belasah aku sampai masuk ICU?

Kamon, sayang. Belajarlah terima sesuatu dengan hati terbuka. Kalau hari ni dia buang barang2 kau, sound je dia. Kaw2 pun takpe. Asalkan kau tak mengamuk pecahkan pinggan mangkuk. Kalau esok dia simpankan barang2 kau samapi tak dapat kita cari, bagitau dia jangan sentuh barang2 kau. Grow up sayang. Aku tak mau kau mengamuk hari ni sebab dia, nanti kau mengamuk sebab kau marahkan aku pulak. Aku tak nak macam tu.

Aku mau tengok kau jadi seorang yang tenang. Apa jadi pun, kau cool je. Takde nak baran2, nak baling2 barang, nak menengking2. Cool, tapi apa2 yang kau cakapkan tajam menusuk hati orang. Straight kena tepet kat muka. Itu baru betul nak ajar orang, sayang. Bukan dengan cara violent.

Aku tau, mungkin hari ni, salah aku pun ada. Aku tak jaga kau & barang2 kau. Tapi, aku tak tinggal bersama kau, so aku tak boleh nak fokus seluruhnya untuk jaga kau. Lainlah kalau kita dah menikah & tinggal serumah.

Tindakan kau pagi tadi buat aku berfikir sendiri. Betul ke tindakan aku, pilihan aku untuk habiskan sisa hidup aku dengan kau? Baran tu nature kau. Aku mengaku, susah untuk kau buang sifat tu. Tapi kau boleh kurangkan. Jangan ikut sangat marah tu, tak bawak sikit keuntungan pun kat kita. Aku percaya, kalau kau kurangkan marah, tambahkan tegas, ramai yang akan respek kau, termasuk dia. Confront dia, cakap dengan dia terang2 & tegas, apa yang kau tak mau dia buat, apa yang kau tak suka dia buat. Bagi dia faham siapa dia, kat mana kedudukan dia.

Kita dewasa. Adults. So kita kena behave macam adults. Perangai baran2 ni budak2 je buat. Ikut hati, ikut perasaan. Ikut nafsu. Kita bukan macam tu sayang. Kita matang, kita fikir pakai otak. Kita tak terburu2 ikut kehendak hati. Kita bukan childish.

Aku yakin kau boleh jadi someone better satu hari nanti.
Aku yakin.
Satu hari nanti.

'Friend'.

2011-08-07T09:16:00.000+08:00

Poor you. Seriously, I pity you.

I know, you're still angry about the things that happened before. You thought it was me, you still think it's me who ruined your relationship. I tried to talk, explain, come clear about what happened, but you still point the fault at me.

I felt bad. I did. I still do. Because I lose you as a friend. Really, I hate losing a friend in a bad way, in a situation where both of us can't find closure between us. But you refused.

Twice. I push away my ego, my conscience to find truce between us. But both times, I failed.

Hate it.

But to really give a thought about it, at first yes, it was partly my fault. Do you know why he left you? It wasn't really me, the reason he left you. It was you. A man can never take it when his partner cheat on him. Let alone you, you were his fiancee, his wife-to-be. You didn't just flirt with other men, you slept with some. Of course he couldn't take it, you crushed his ego as a man. Not because of me. I accepted him to be with me when I know he was with you. We hooked up about a month after the night he dumped you. I know, it wasn't a right thing to do, being together with a friend's ex.

But, but.. he returned to you. He left me, and he returned to you. I knew why he withdrew from our relationship before, I still remember you were in Bali that time. We broke up and he tried to get you back.

Our friends told me that he treated you like a princess, did everything for you. As if he was not the same person he used to be.

Again, you made the mistake that makes you lose him once again. You told him not to bug you anymore, leave you alone and that you didn't want him anymore. How's that me as someone to be blamed? I think, if you treated him well, give him another chance, you guys would've make one happy couple. But no, you had to avenge your broken heart. So you cheated on him with some smart-ass white fag, took his money and screw the white guy in London when before that you were screwing him. Where's your dignity as a woman?

And still, you blame me. No. Hell no! I wasn't in the picture when all the cheating-with-a-Brit happened. You crushed him, both as your partner and as a man. Again! Don't you ever think about how he felt the first time he found out you cheated on him? And after that, when he tried to make amends to you, you cheat on him again? As a person, if I were in his shoes, I would've throw a cheap girl away from me and look for a decent one for me to love.

This is what I feel, after almost two years holding back guilt, feeling that I stole him from you. But being you, the person I used to know well, you will never stop blaming me. God knows until when.

I just want some truce between us. We don't have to be friends like before, if you don't want to. I'm OK with that. I don't really need a friend like you, who'll just be with me when I'm happy, and disappear when I'm in trouble. Thanks, but no thanks. I have better friends.

Truce. That's all.

Family.

2011-07-25T01:49:00.001+08:00

Mau poyo2 sekejap.

Tips Keharmonian Rumahtangga.

Siapa pun yang dah kahwin mau marriage yang harmoni. 1st thing, macam mana nak buat hubungan suami-isteri tu harmoni. Bukan senang, kena ada usaha & sacrifice. Yang aku dapat ni, aku jumpa dalam 1 page kat Facebook, dari buku Kaifa Tushbihina Zaujah Rumansiyyah; oleh Wafaa' Muhammad. Bahasa Indonesia. Aku edit sikit (banyak) lah..

1. Saling kenal & memahami.
Tempat & situation suami-isteri membesar sangat2 mempengaruhi ragam selera, behavior & sikap tersendiri. Spouse mesti faham keadaan ni & try to understand partner. Kena tau jugak semua hal berkaitan life yg effect partner sampai dapat jumpa point harmoni between each other.

2. Perasaan imbal-balik (give and take[?])
Suami & isteri=life partner. Lagi rapat dengan ikatan nikah. Share suka duka, masalah sama2. Tolong & support each other untuk dapatkan life atas jalan Allah & RasulNya. Untuk pupuk kasih sayang pada dua2 pihak, suami perlu cinta isteri, isteri pun perlu cinta dari suami.
...Suami dan isteri harus berbagi suka-suka, membagi kesedihan dan kegembiraan bersama...

3. Hormat
Suami masuk rumah, dia layak dapat respect & appreciation dari spouse dia. Tujuannya untuk jaga hubungan & angkat prestij dia sampai each other rasa bahagia untuk build harmonious relationship. In this case, couple wajib cari point2 positif kat partner untuk dapatkan rasa respect untuk each other.

4. Senangkan Pasangan
Dalam family life, or generally; kalau someone utamakan orang lain dari diri sendiri, meaning dia spread kasih sayang kat orang2 sekeliling. Therefore, married couple mesti senangkan partner, buatkan partner priority no.1, untuk kukuhkan hubungan kasih sayang dalam relationship. Sebabnya, kalau suami nampak usaha isteri untuk senangkan hati & diri dia, of course dia akan buat something untuk gembirakan hati isteri dia. Either untuk balas apa yang isteri dia buat, or sebagai recognition.

5. Atasi masalah bersama
Pernikahan-relation partnership, participation. Partnership: tujuan yang sama, cita2, sikap, naluri, perasaan, collaboration & solidarity dalam solving problems. Masalah yang timbul; lihat sebagai collective emergencies. Bila fikir macam tu, suami akan berusaha untuk bagi life yang selesa untuk family. Isteri pulak handle urusan rumah according to plan. Apa yang couple boleh buat tu dapat solve masalah sama2. Suami/isteri, jangan simpan masalah, mesti perlu jujur & transparent untuk build trust & understanding so that masalah boleh sama2 selesaikan. Boleh jadi jugak, masalah tu yang eratkan hubungan suami-isteri.

6. Sikap Qana'ah
Antara keharmonian rumahtangga - puas, syukur dengan apa yang ada. Manja, mengada2, convenience, boros & berpoya2 masa single dulu boleh jadi isu dalam rumahtangga. Sikap2 ni berlawan dengan maturity yang perlu ada untuk realiti hidup. Hal remeh2 & mmedia influences tak mampu buat couple bahagia. Sebab? Kebahagiaan sejati datang dari dalam hati & jiwa, bukan dari aspek material yang nanti jadi isu dalam rumahtangga.

7. Toleransi
Tak logik la kalau semua orang nakkan couple yang ideal & permanent dalam marriage, sebab semua orang buat silap. Suami/isteri kadang2 lupa bila buat silap and repeat. Mungkin sebab tak sedar, apa yang dia buat tu berulang. Kalau 1 pihak nak hukum, judge, atau nak balas dendam atas setiap kesalahan partner, maksudnya dia dah rosakkan keharmonian rumahtangga.
Kalau semua benda tak suka, satu apa pun kita tak jumpa yang kita suka. Mistakes tu lumrah, perlukan guidance, directions, corrections, yang diikuti rasa kesal & niat untuk jadi lebih baik.
...kesalahan tidak perlu diikuti dengan tekanan, cacian & intimidasi, terutama jika kesalahan itu tidak berkaitan dengan norma2 keIslaman...
Yakinkan hati yang takkan habis cara untuk betulkan kesalahan partner kita. Jalan terbaik - nasihat dengan tenang, buat partner rasa apa yang perlu diubah tu untuk kebaikan diri & family.

8. Terus terang
Sikap terus terang, jujur & berani - kunci kebahagiaan dalam rumahtangga yang takkan mungkin dapat elak salah & silap. Bila buat salah, apa yang perlu dibuat; cepat2 minta maaf kat partner, mengaku kesilapan, janji pada partner & diri sendiri untuk tak ulang lagi mistake tu lagi. Sikap ni tak jatuhkan status & harga diri. Bila buat macam tu, buat partner hormat, percaya & maafkan kita.

9. Care & Unity, Agreement
Part paling indah dalam rumahtangga is bila couple care for each other & sepakat between suami/isteri bila datang masalah, hadapi kesulitan dengan sabar & usaha untuk selesaikan masalah. Bila isteri ada sebelah suami, dia akan ada rasa kuat & yakin and vice versa. Bila kita rasa partner kita strong & confident, kita pun rasa aman & tenteram. Benda ni essence dalam marriage & 'integrasi batin' between suami/isteri.

10. Kearifan
Kearifan satu sama lain - dalam suasana paling suram, bantu untuk bina strong foundation for harmony. Boleh jadi kita marah2 partner kita sebab 1 mistake, tapi kearifan/kewarasan halang kita dari buat macam tu. Bila kita waras, kita kukuhkan semangat persefahaman dalam relationship. Suami/isteri, salah seorang mungkin rasa lebih berhak dalam satu2 hal, tapi bila fikir balik, dia takkan teruskan kalau pendapatnya boleh timbulkan friction. Bila kita step-back dengan niat berlaku waras, kita buang aura konflik & perselisihan dalam relation Tapi kalau kita nak menang sendiri dengan negative superiority gantikan kita punya kewarasan, kita punya rumahtangga yang harmoni, damai & mapan tu berderai. Bila jadi macam tu, masalah akan datang tak berhenti.
...Masalah silih berganti menghampiri. Maka, kearifan adalah benteng kukuh yang melindungi keluarga dari disharmonisasi...

OK, translation failed! But These are all true. Hope I can fulfill all ten of the tips.
*Hope you will too ;)

Hope?

2011-07-24T21:51:00.002+08:00

Will this last long? I hope. Will we stay together through all obstacles on our journey to find happiness? Will you be by my side whenever I need you?

I wonder.

Aku selalu tanya diri sendiri, cukup kuat ke aku nak teruskan perjalanan dengan kamu? Building a stable, mutual relationship is never easy. Mesti kena ada persefahaman yang tinggi, give and take, sabar, etc etc. Can I, can we afford that?

Aku fikir sendiri.

June 10, 2011. I left.
June 12, 2011. I returned the rings.
June 13, 2011. It was over.

I closed my eyes, consoled my heart, and I thought to myself that this may be the best for us. Love? I had to give it up. I walked, forcing myself to keep walking and look straight ahead, don't look back. Painful, it was. Very.

I know, all the things that we worked together, all our efforts, all the time spent in building a home in each other's heart was put to a stop, crumbled.

And I know, when you said I was being too harsh when I opted for leaving instead of looking for a space to tell you what's in my heart, it was true. I did that. But, knowing our relationship, I know, it wouldn't work with words.

I know, it stabbed your heart, but I thought it was for the best. For both of us. You knew this.

It was never easy. You were my everything. My hero, my mentor, my philosopher, my pillow, my guide, everything. But I know that I had to. I just had to.

July 15, 2011. You returned.

In the middle of the night, you came to me and pulled me into your arms. Honestly? I really miss you big hug! But when I pushed you away, I know, I shouldn't put hopes too high on you. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. Many things! Because I'm afraid. Because don't want to be crying alone anymore. No, I hate that.

But I know too, you're my biggest weakness. When you knelt down before me, holding me tight, with those dear eyes that I've always miss, I can't help it. And when you were willing to plead to have me back into your arms, I know it was from the bottom of your heart. At least, that's what I thought.

Like I said, I do love you. I do care about you. But unfortunately the spark, the butterflies; they're no longer in my heart. I don't feel the goosebumps when you touch me, I don't feel the rolling thunder to my fingertips when we kiss, it's not there. No more electric jolts. Not the way it used to be.

Frankly. I'm afraid. Of many things.

What if I can't love you like before?
What if you leave?
What if we change our minds?
What if we fight and hurt each other again?
What if? What if?

Because God always tests us servants.

I need to feel safe. I need guarantee that you won't break my heart again. I need to know that the same old drama won't repeat.

How to build our relation again?
How will you make me trust you again?
How to get closer to God?
How to keep this relation safe from influences out there?
How to love each other more as time goes?
How about our financial security?

I have so many questions. I hope you have the answers.

Kites

2011-07-11T23:41:00.001+08:00

Aku suka ini movie. Barbara Mori memang terbaik. Aku jatuh cinta lagi kat mata hijau milik Hrithik. Senyum dia. Hidung dia. Jari2 dia. Aku terbuai2 dengan movie ni. Setiap kali tengok, mesti aku macam terapung2, tak rasa katil Queen size aku tu.

Walaupun aku tak suka ending dia, tapi the very sad ending were made so beautifully, aku yang rasa bahagia. Memang, pedih bila tau orang yang kita sayang sangat2 sacrifice untuk selamatkan kita. Tapi aku respect Encik Director movie ni. Suntingan dia terbaik!

Kau. Lelaki.

2011-07-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

Aku mau kau jadi lelaki yang hormatkan perempuan.

Hormat bukan bermaksud kau sujud di kaki perempuan. Bukan kau turutkan segala kemahuan.

Hormat maksudnya kau tak lukakan hati dia, kau tak buat dia menangis.

Dia tak mintak banyak, cuma jaga hati dia supaya kekal satu, tak berderai.

Jadilah lelaki yang lebih baik. Yang hormatkan perempuan, yang hargai perempuan. Kau tau kenapa perempuan dibuat dari rusuk lelaki yang paling bengkok?
Untuk kau belai, untuk kau didik, untuk kau sayang.
Bukan untuk kau patahkan, semata2 sebab kau mau rusuk yang bengkok tu jadi lurus.
Bukan untuk kau rendah2kan martabat dia.

Perempuan tempat dia bukan kat kaki, untuk kau pijak. Bukan jugak kat atas kepala, untuk kau junjung. Tapi perempuan dicipta untuk berjalan sebelah kau.
Support kau.
Ingatkan kau.
Jaga kau.
Kongsi masalah kau.
Dengar rintihan kau.
Pulih semangat kau.

Tapi, kau. Lelaki. Kau mengaku kau kuat, kau mengaku kau hebat.
Bangga kau melangit.
Ego kau sebesar lautan.
Kau buat perempuan macam pipit.

Jangan kau lupa, kau cuma hamba. Butir pasir sebelah yang Esa.

Kalau aku kat tempat kau, aku malu jadi lelaki.
Lelaki.
Khalifah.
Aku tak nampak tokoh untuk kau jadi khalifah, apa lagi untuk kau nakhoda sebuah kapal.
Perkahwinan.
Kau belum cukup ilmu dalam dada untuk itu semua.
Kau mentah sebagai lelaki.

Kau mau jadi lelaki? Belajar.

Sekarang?
Kau gagal sebagai lelaki. Kau dayus.

Untuk Aku Lupa

2011-07-05T23:29:00.001+08:00

Aku tanam dalam hati untuk lupakan kamu. Aku tau silapnya aku. Aku kau takkan pernah mahu maafkan lagi aku. Tapi walau hati bercalar seribu, aku masih mau. Tapi apalah ada dayaku. Aku hanya mampu berlalu.

Sebab bila aku datang untuk cuba lagi, kau bukan terima tapi kau tolak aku bagai manusia tak punya harga.

Aku kecewa, sebab pernah kutanya pada kamu dulu; aku atau egomu. Kata kau, aku jadi pilihan.

Tapi, malam itu kau pilih egomu. Kau pilih temanmu. Kata kau, aku tak punya tempat dalam keutamaanmu. Aku tau, kau tau, aku luka mendengarkan itu.

Sekarang, saban hari aku berdepan kamu. Setiap kali itu jantung aku bergendang laju. Bayangmu buat aku tak menentu. Pandanganmu aku tak bisa temu.

Tak dapat kutelah apa dihatimu. Apakah kau rindu? Apakah kau benci melihatkan aku? Apakah kau ingin aku dalam dakapanmu? Aku tak tahu.

Aku. Aku rindu.

Sungguh, aku ingin cuba lagi. Baiki setiap kekurangan dalam jalinan hubungan kita. Tapi untuk apa, andai kau menolak. Aku tak mampu buat apa2. Bila kau tak mau, aku hanya mampu berundur. Hanya mampu kucumbu bayangmu dalam hati rindu.

Aku tak punya cara untuk melupaimu.

Be

2011-06-30T23:55:00.006+08:00

Don't say bad things about yourself.

You can always be a better person.

If you want to be.

Ingat, lelaki.

Tangan yang kuat, kau guna untuk belai.

Bukan pukul.

Badan yang sasa, depang untuk kau lindung.

Bukan tindas.

Aku Ngerti Rasamu. Maafkan Aku.

2011-06-27T08:25:00.004+08:00

Aku tau kau marahkan perbuatanku.
Aku tau kau menganggap aku mencabar kelelakianmu.
Aku juga tau kau tak akan mungkin menerimaku.
Ego lelakimu menghalang dari kau berbuat begitu.

Maafkan aku sayang, aku tak mampu bertahan melihat kau dengan dia.
Hati aku tak cukup kuat untuk mengendahkan perhubungan kalian.
Perasaanku luluh, jiwaku runtuh.
Aku juga tak kuat untuk bersuara menentang silap lakumu.
Justeru, aku membawa diri dan hati yang luka bersama bayangmu.
Biar apa pun anggapmu, hanya aku tahu betapa dalam luka di hatiku.
Bagai tegak belati terbenam dalam kalbu.

Hanya kau di setiap titis darahku, namun aku bukanlah segala2nya untukmu.

Maafkan aku.
Hati yang parah, tak mampu kutipu.
Melihatmu, aku derita dalam rindu.
Namun, kau letak dia dihatimu. Bukan aku.

Maafkan aku sayang.
Aku tak mampu, aku tak mampu.

Aku Faham

2011-06-26T20:55:00.001+08:00

Bila aku mau kau buat pilihan, kau pilih dia.

Bila aku tegur akan sikapnya, dia masih tak mau berundur.

Berbahagialah kau dengan dia yang kau panggil laknat. Aku tak mau ikut jadi laknat.

Bergembiralah kau dengan dia, berdua kamu dengan sifat sundal & murahan. Aku bukan manusia murahan.

Pergi kau jauh2. Jangan kau paut hati aku lagi. Aku benci menangis kerana lelaki.

*marah*

Biar Aku Sendiri

2011-06-25T18:31:00.006+08:00

Kau marah, aku tinggalkan kau. Kau tau KENAPA aku tinggalkan kau? Kau ada fikir?

Kata kau, aku terlalu sensitif. Kata kau, aku complicated. Kata kau, aku tak fahami kau.
Kata kau, dia lebih fahami kau.

Aku mau tanya kau. Aku mau tau, sejauhmana kau fahami aku?
Sejauhmana kau tau apa yang ada dalam hati aku?

Kau tau apa warna yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa bunga yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa makan & minum yang aku suka?
Kau tau apa baju yang paling aku suka?

Kau tau bila aku marah?
Kau tau bila aku sedih?
Kau tau bila aku suka?

Aku tak suka perhubungan kau bersama temanmu. Ada kau fikir kenapa? Tidak. Kau hanya menuduh. Kata kau aku terlalu sensitif, kata kau aku keterlaluan ego. Takkah kau nampak persahabatan kalian melebihi batasan sebenar2nya hubungan sahabat?

Pernahkan kau sekalipun meletak dirimu ditempat aku? Coba merasa apa yang aku rasa? Tingkahmu dengan dia, guraumu yang keterlaluan dengan dia, bila dia bermanja denganmu melebihi aku sendiri! Kau malah meletakkan dia dulu, berbanding aku! Ada kau fikir?

Aku tau, tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di fikiran kau, yang aku luka, aku kecewa melihat perhubungan kau berdua. Justeru, dari aku luka & menangis dari perbuatanmu, lebih baik aku merindumu dari jauh. Karena itu yang lebih baik. Kau tak pernah hargai aku. Pengorbanan aku. Usaha aku. Di kepala kau cuma ada dia. Semuanya dia. Yang fahami kau, dia. Yang mengerti kau, dia. Kau tak pernah fikir bila kau ambil segala kesempatan yang ada atas aku. Mungkin bagi kau, aku hanya hamba, yang boleh kau suruh2 buat apa saja, pergi kemana saja. Sia2 segala kasih sayang yang aku curahkan untuk kau! Sikitpun kau tak pernah peduli! Yang kau mau pengkid, pengkid, pengkid!!!

Kau bunuh aku! Kau bunuh segala kegembiraan yang aku ada bila dia bersama!

Apa kau fikir kebahagiaan aku, kau boleh beli dengan harta? Dengan duit? Segala material yang kau beri pada aku, tak punya apa2 makna, bila kasih sayang, cinta, hati kau bukan untuk aku sepenuhnya!

Jangan kau fikir semua perempuan kau boleh beli dengan duit. Mungin dulu kau boleh buat, dengan bekas tunang kau, sekarang dengan pengkid laknat yang kau sayang2. Kau buta untuk melihat betapa dia mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada atasmu. Tapi bukan aku. Aku tak pernah ingin duit kau. Aku bukan perempuan murahan yang kau boleh beli hatinya dengan duit ringgit!

Kini, kata kau dia yang paling memahami.
Apa dia tau warna kesukaan kau?
Apa dia tau passion kau?
Apa dia tau keinginan kau untuk masa depan?
Apa dia tau rahsia hitam kau?
Apa dia tau segala masalah & kekusutan kau?
Apa dia ingin mendengar kau bercerita tentang perkara kesukaanmu?

Buka mata kau, buka hati kau, sayang.

Katamu aku terlalu cemburu. Sudah tentu! Bila kau sentuh dia, bila kau bergurau keterlaluan dengannya, bila dia bermanja denganmu. Padamu, itu biasa. Tapi bukan untuk aku! Dia perempuan, aku juga perempuan! Aku tau bagaimana perempuan bermanja bila dia taruhkan perasaan untuk seseorang. Juga bila perempuan mempergunakan lelaki. Namun kau tetap cari dia, tak henti2 kau cari dia. Apa dia itu kekasih kau? Cinta kau? Fikirlah sayang, kau lelaki dewasa.

Fikirku, kau sedar akan silapmu bila aku menjauh. Tapi kau pergi lagi jauh! Dari itu, aku tau kau tak pernah menyayangi aku sepenuh hati kau. Aku sakit, sayang. Aku menahan sakit berdepan sikapmu yang selalu membunuh hatiku. Aku beri kau segalanya, segala apa yang aku ada. Segala kehendakmu kupenuhi. Tak sedikitpun aku nafi. Tapi, ya, aku pergi. Aku pergi tika aku masih terlalu menyayangimu.

Tapi kau tak pernah sekali pun peduli.

Dengan aku berpergian, aku tau kau lebih berbahagia bersama kawanmu yang kata kau baik dan memahamimu. Aku harap agar kau dapat mencari sendiri, hala tuju hidupmu. Aku tak mampu untuk membimbingmu. Aku juga tau kau tak ingin untuk aku membimbingmu menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Aku tau, kau tak pernah menyenangi usahaku untuk menjadikan kau lelaki. Lelaki sejati. Kau lebih senang menjadi lelaki yang lancang mulutnya, yang tak tentu inginnya, yang hatinya tak tegak bertiang, yang tidak pernah berpertimbangan, yang murah diri dan hatinya senang sekali mencintai sesiapa.

Aku tak punya kuasa. Aku tak punya harta. Aku tak punya apa2. Namun aku punya hati yang sarat dengan rasa cinta. Tapi aku tak punya daya, andai bukan aku yang kau letak dalam hatimu.

Terima kasih, sayang. Aku bersyukur. Tingkahmu selama kita bersama, amarahmu, caci maki darimu, air mata yang mengalir untukmu. Segalanya membuatkan aku menjadi perempuan kuat. Aku tak ingin lagi mengalir air mata untuk lelaki sepertimu, yang tak punya rasa, yang tak punya hormat pada perempuan.

Pabila sampai masanya nanti, aku mau kau ingat. Aku tak pernah kehilanganmu, atau cinta dan kasih sayangmu. Kau. Kaulah yang kehilangan segala2nya. Bukan aku.

Biarlah aku sendiri menanggung sakitnya meninggalkanmu. Biar aku menangis sendiri, sebab aku tak ingin lagi menangis keranamu.

Fikirlah sayang, apa pantaskah kau untuk mendapatkan kekasih yang setia dan menepati rasamu andai sikapmu tak pernah berubah? Layakkah untuk kau dapatkan suri mithali andai kau tak mampu mengimamkan isteri sendiri?

Aku menyerah kalah.
Pergilah sayang.

Life Goes On

2011-06-24T08:58:00.004+08:00

When I saw you the other day, I couldn't help it. I felt a huge rush of blood running to my face. My hands trembled uncontrollably. My temperature rose, and I felt like as if my heart was about to explode. I couldn't walk straight, and I looked down so I don't get hurt by seeing you. I felt my whole body vibrate, because I know I'm longing for your touch. Your big hug.

Heh.

My friend, your friend told me; you just lie on your back at the wall and looked at me. Stared at me with such expression. They know, you've lost something meaningful in your life. They know. You can't hide it.

I admit, I do miss you. A lot. Every drop of my blood. With all my heart. Sometimes I feel like running to you and hold you like I'll never let go, kiss every inch of your face and your hands, say I love you and I really miss you.

I long for you. I want to be by your side. I want to live with you.

But unfortunately, I was not the one you care about. I was not the one you long for. I was not the one you love with all your heart. And I was not the one you choose to be with.

I left you, while I was still madly in love with you. I left, so I could make you realise that I was deeply disappointed and hurt. So you would know that what you were doing before, torn my heart into pieces. But I know, even if you are well aware of that fact, you choose to ignore it.

I'm sorry, I can't afford to have my heart broken anymore.

If you think I have another man, no. My heart is still filled with you. Everything about you. But there's no use in telling you that, because I'm not in yours. Was I ever? I don't even know. Because you never really treated me like you ever did love me.

Did you? Did you love me with all your heart?

I don't know. I don't have any clue. Your actions didn't show it that you loved me with all your heart. Your actions showed that you love your friend.

There's nothing that I can do, when I'm not the one whom you choose to be with. You chose your friend. You looked at me, but you're being with her.

Call me anything you want, but you know for real, I don't share things I love. Let alone the man of my life. Never.

Alas, you have made your choice. It's OK, I don't mind. It's your choice, and I can't make you choose me.

Don't bother, I'll be fine.

I'm used to sleeping alone with a broken heart.

I Tried. I Failed.

2011-06-20T00:53:00.002+08:00

I once told you, I don't just want to live with you. I want to go to the Paradise with you.
You once promised me, that you will change into a better person for the sake of our marriage in the future.

People say when you love someone, you love them for who they are.
I did.

And yes.
I tried to change you. Call me selfish, but yes, I admit I tried to change you.
I wanted to change you, so you won't be a short-tempered person.
I wanted you to be a patient person.
I wanted to change you into a rational person.
I wanted you to be better.

For my sake?
Yes. So I won't cry and have my heart broken.
And for the sake of our future.
So you will be a great husband, father, and in-law.

I tried everything.
I used every method.
But you never moved.

I know.
I failed.

The Invizibel Line

2011-06-17T08:45:00.001+08:00

8.25am., KL Sentral. I sit next to a white man, and I ask him, is it OK if I smoke? He said doesn't mind. We talked about general stuff, and suddenly I remembered what you told me when we started getting close back then.

Your ex didn't like it that we were close. She told me about your capability. I thought she was just being jealous, but apparently I was wrong.

I remembered about one thing that you told me about our new relationship, when I was worried that we may have gotten very close that you met me behind her.

You told me, that no matter how close we become, there was always an invisible line between us that you drew, and no one could see it. You told me that there was nothing going on between us that should tear you and her apart. But it happened.

Tell me - did you draw any line in your friendship with your trans friend? Did you put any limitations in the ways you treat her? Did you ever give it a thought that your friendahip with her might have hurt my feelings, or that it made me feel pushed aside?

I remembered, you posted the song New Divide by Linkin Park, trying to subliminally show that we had boundaries in our relationship before.

Tell me - where was the divide in your friendship with her?

Tell me.

If You...

2011-06-16T23:38:00.000+08:00

If you only knew, whatever that I've scolded you before was my effort to make you better.

If you only knew, whatever that I've advised you to do was to make you change for the sake of your future.

If you only knew, the things that I said I don't like people to do to you, was to protect you.

If you only knew, whatever that I didn't let you do was for the sake of our relationship.

If you only knew, whenever I sulked or played mood swings with you was to make you realise that what you did was wrong.

If you only knew, everytime I get jealous was because I didn't want you to be like other guys, cheap..

If you only knew, whenever you felt like I controlled you was because I want you to behave like a real man.

If you only knew... the ways that I've loved you.

If you only knew... the ways I tried to protect you.

If you only knew... how I tried to give the best to you.

If you only knew... how I loved you more than I loved myself.

Alas, if only you ever knew.

Me, or Her?

2011-06-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

After all that we've been through together, after everything that we've done and shared together, you put a friend whom you knew for a few months over me?

After I've forgiven and given so many chances to you, after oh so many times I've given in to you, suddenly someone whom you only call a friend became your priority?

After all that efforts that I've put in our relationship, after all changes I made in our lives, you care about someone who doesn't have anything to do with you more than you care about me?

After all the love that I've poured on you, after everything that I've given you, it was your friend whom you want to give everything to?

Where is your conscience?

You put her up high in your life, but you put me down below.

I never lost you. You lost me.

It's never my loss. It's your loss.

Time Bomb

2011-06-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

Since I never really did confront you on this matter, if you read this, please read it through. This is my confrontation, and so are the previous two entries.

***

As I've stated on my Facebook status before, bottled up feelings are like a ticking time bomb. Counting seconds to explode. Did you see it coming?

She's a liar. I saw it. Our friend saw it. Did you see it? There were several cases where I caught her lying to me. But seeing her as someone close to you, I never confronted her. I just observe what she did.

She used you. She had been using you. I watched her in silence. Did you realise that? She asked this and that from you, Which I, as your FIANCEE, never did. She orders you to do this and that, which I never saw any of your friends did. Let alone me. She demands this and that from you, which I, as your FIANCEE, could never have asked.

She made fun of you. Played you a fool. I was offended. Did you ever feel the same way? She swore, cursed at you. I never saw ANY of your friends did that. I could never ever swear at you, even as a joke.

She played cute and coy with you. I was annoyed. So was our friend. Didn't you feel that? She talked like a biatch with you, act like a little girl with you, talk with slutty words, behave as if she was a princess, complaint this, complaint that to you. A trans, but behaved like a little pampered girl with you. Didn't you think I was more rough than her? A penkid, but she behaved like a little girl. I don't think I've behaved like her. If ever I had, I suppose I have every right to do that, you were my fiancee.

Nevertheless, I wonder. Couldn't you tell, that she was such a liar and a fake? I thought you were good at reading people. Where'd your skills go?

Didn't you ever feel used by her? Every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd call you. Every time she needed something, she'd call you. I wonder.

Didn't you feel like she didn't respect you? Didn't you feel like she made a fool out of you? Didn't you feel that she never respected your manliness? Or at least your feelings and dignity as a person? Or you never had any dignity, that she played around it with as she like? I felt like slapping her face several times, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't want to turn this relationship sour because of her.

Didn't you feel like she made you her coolie? She played coy, then she asked something from you. She acted as if she was your girlfriend, and you pampered her. You gave everything that she asked from you. You asked if she'd eaten. You asked if she had any money. You asked if she was OK with anything that we were about to do. You even gave her pocket money. Yep, I saw and I knew. I just let you & her play the game.

You told me many times, all your friends they trouble you. None of them made your life easier. Did she make your life easier? As far as I was concerned, she troubled you a lot. Even me too. I saw it. I know. But you were the one who asked for it. You were the one who pampered her. Did you pamper me? No. You treat me as if I was your maid, your PA. No, both your and her. And we both were her chauffeur. You treat me dryly, laconically, but you fulfilled whatever that she demanded from you. How could that not make me feel bad?

You even wanted to make her our partner in your aquaculture business, when we both know she would never contribute anything to the business. Time? Maybe. Energy? I don't think so. Would she do the dirty works? Would she get into the water? You know the answer. Money? Never. We both know she doesn't have it. But still...

Let's give it a thought. The first time you were engaged, your fiancee cheated on you. The second time you were engaged, your fiancee left you. Have you ever wondered where the problem lies on? Was it your fiancees, or was it you yourself? How did you treat your loved one? Did you give your attention to them, or to your friends? Did you ask what they want, or did you ask your friends? Did you care about them, or did you care about your friends? Did you love your fiancees, or did you love your friends more? Did you make them smile, or did you make them cry? Did you make them happy, or did you hurt them? Were your priority them, or your friends? Don't give these answers to me, answer these for yourself.

I never thought that I'd leave you, and I never thought I'd explode, but I did. Yes, bottled up feelings made me strong enough leave you and your attitude. I didn't just leave you, I left you and I hoped that you realise what you did and have been doing until this moment was and is wrong. Just because she laughed to your jokes doesn't mean you could put her over me. Just because she never sulked with your temper doesn't mean she was better than me. Just because she never scolded you doesn't mean she could over-stand my position as your fiancee. She was ONLY A FRIEND. But made her your priority over your own future wife.

Please don't be mad at me, I did what I thought was right. I tried to make one of you back off from this twisted situation, but neither did. So let me be the one who backs off. Because I don't see any point for me to be with you when all you talk about, care about and think about was her. Maybe I was wrong, but I wasn't wrong when I felt like an outcast whenever she was around.

You didn't have to own everything in this world to have me, you were my everything. Sadly, I wasn't your everything when she was your concern and priority. As if she was your everything. And I was nothing.

I confronted her, told her how I feel along the path our friendships. She asked me if she was the root of all the chaos that happened in our relation. She was. And you were too. And we never spoke since. So I assumed that she knew I was right.

And so, I withdrew from our relationship, giving way for you and her to be the 'best-est' friends ever. So you wouldn't feel controlled by me. So that there'd be no one to sulk or scold you on however you treat her. So that nobody would stop you from touching, making jokes or pamper her. I'm just a fiancee. Nothing more.

Hung-over

2011-06-13T01:30:00.000+08:00

There. I've put the rings we bought right there. I never meant to hurt you, but I've been hurt so many times by you. I'm no superwoman, but I have got to be strong this time, to make you realise that a relationship is never one-sided. I never thought that it will cost our relationship just to show you that.
It's never easy for me, to leave you after all that we've been through together. But if this is for the best, I have to give in. You once said girlfriends are your last priority. Friends come first. So I guess it doesn't matter for you if I'm not around.
Go. Go somewhere far from me, that I can't find you no matter how hard I try. Because it's easier for me to let you go if I don't see the one I love.
Yes, I do love you. You are the only man that I've give all my heart to. I can never love another the way that I love you. I don't even know how. But the love that I've given to you backfires me. It kills me. And for you, though I really love you with every drop of my blood, I can't go on. Not in this kind of relationship.
I've given you so many chances, I've forgiven you a million times. But you never changed. I tried to make you a better person, a gentleman. But I never succeeded. I can't. I was the one who changed for you, according to you wants, your needs. But you never bothered.
Ask yourself - do I really treat you so badly, that you turn to your friend? Have I ever scold you? Have I ever yell at you? Have I ever curse at you? Have I ever hurt you so badly, that you give up on me? Tell me.
You once told me that your ex didn't behave like a future wife. Ask yourself - do you behave like a future husband? Are you ready to carry the heavy burden of being leader of the house? Do you have what it takes to guide your family to the straight path? Tell me.

I tried. I did. I listened. I gave in. I attempted. I cried. I did everything you asked.

You told me, you can relate to me. You can communicate with me. Now, who do you communicate with? Tell me. I struggled to talk to you, tried to create a conversation so we can communicate. But you refused. You looked for your friend. You've left me behind.
How can I get into your heart, how can I understand you, if you avoid talking to me? Tell me. How can I really know what you want from me, what you need from me, if I can't reach out for you? Tell me.
Tell me, what do I do to make you love me, care for me, hear me, want me?

Alas, the damage is done. We don't walk the same path anymore. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who is perfect enough for you. Because I know I'm far from perfect.

Goodbye my Love.

Tunangan

2011-06-11T03:49:00.001+08:00

Kata orang, bertunang ni banyak dugaannya. Betul ke?

Kata orang lagi, bertunang ni perlu banyak bersabar. Perlu ke?

Dugaan. Sejak dari mula berkenalmu aku diduga. Memilih antara kawan dan kekasih. Antara suka dan selesa. Katamu kawan bisa aku cari dimana mana. Lantas, aku menurutmu dan meninggalkan temanku.

Kemudian, aku diduga lagi. Kau pergi. Aku sendiri. Kau bersama dia lagi. Kembali. Kau memanggilku biarpun dia kau dampingi.

Setelah kau berpatah hati, kau berpaling padaku menduga lagi. Katamu ingin mencuba lagi. Ku peluk kau kembali.

Mencakar hati, kau duga lagi. Kau ku kejar namun sepi.

Aku sendiri.

Belum sempat ku melangkah, kau kembali memohon dalam pasrah.

Aku mendesah. Kerna payah untuk aku pangkah.

Kau asak. Aku pasak.

Kau sesah. Aku lelah.

Kau tikam. Aku pejam.

Kau tanam. Aku pendam.

Dugaan. Dugaan.

Kau mahu intan. Aku hanya pasiran.

Kecilnya harapan. Kau patahkan.

Kau mau ratu. Aku hanya abu.

Tajamnya paku. Terpacak kemas di kalbu.

Aku berkeras. Kau lagi keras.

Aku berlembut. Kau tundukkan aku ke rumput.

Jalannya yang cerah. Aku kau punah.

Apa yang tinggal, hanya sesal.

Apa yang ada, cuma tiada.

Aku putus asa.

Tunangan? Apa kau aku tunangan?

Andai aku kau tunangkan, taburlah ihsan untuk kau jadi sanjungan.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, jagalah badan untuk kau ku belaikan.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah dirimu dalam kawalan.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, janjilah kau aku bersimpan.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, letaklah aku dalam perhatian.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, simpanlah nafsumu dalam kurungan.

Andai aku kau tunangkan, taruh harapan untuk aku kau nikahkan.

A Matter of Choice

2011-06-09T20:36:00.001+08:00

For you and me. Choose. Me or your friend. Choose. Stay or leave.

Because I dah penat sakit hati tengok both of you.

Don't care about me no more. You told me once, that friends are more important than girlfriends. What about now? We're engaged to be married. Still, kawan2 lagi penting ke?

You cakap apa, tak nak kawan dia lagi dah. After I told you we were done. Yep, I gave up. But I'm still here. And you lied to me. Lies. That's what I can't tolerate.

Bukannya I tak bagi you kawan dengan dia. It's about how you treat her as a friend. As I can see, you treat her more than just a close friend. You both have crossed the boundaries of treating a friend, though I've warned you. Dia sekarang lagi penting dari I. At least that's how I feel, in case you don't see it.

I told you, I hate it bila you kata nak make out dengan dia. Even if it's just a joke for both of you, I tak suka. Macamlah selama ni you tak happy dengan apa yang I dah bagi kat you. And her, dia suka bila you cakap pasal tu. Gelak besar dia. Yes, you both make me feel insulted when you said it. On my face! Both of you, tak malu ke? Tak rasa sundal ke? I pulak yang rasa cheap gila when my fiancee talks about doing another person.

When your bike was ready, I told you I want to ride with you. You said, 'kita naik kereta je lah.' But on our engagement day, you bawak dia datang naik motor. I was hurt, yet again. Because your future fiancee wanted to ride with you, but you took your trans friend instead. Oh, I really felt bad. Again, you letak dia sebelum I.

Bila I masak untuk you, bagi you rasa and you said OK, you suruh I bagi dia rasa pulak. Tanya kawan you, OK ke tak. What is this? I felt like a maid for both of you. You've put me down so low that I felt worthless in front of her. I malu. Malu!

I tanya you about our wedding plans. you suruh I tanya dia instead, bila dia tak bagi jawapan pun kat I. As if you tak minat nak kahwin, or you lagi suka biar kawan you handle your wedding. Is it? Who am I getting married to? You or her? Who is my fiancee? You or her? Or do you wish to marry her instead of me?

Wherever we go - watching movies, hang out, dine, shopping, fishing.. She was always there. As if there was no more our time, our date. Mana2 kita pergi, mesti you nak dia ada sekali. Apa kita buat, mesti you nak ajak dia sekali. I don't feel like we're together anymore, you guys were. When you walk, you walk with her. I was left behind. When you talk or joke, you do it with her. I was like a statue between you and her. You forgot about me when she's around.

When you make a stupid joke, and she laughs at your joke, she curses at you as well. Babi, bodoh, lancau.. Rude. Don't you feel like she doesn't respect you? Although it's a joke, I can't take it when someone curses at you. You know for yourself I hate people who curse. Macam mana kalau I buat macam tu kat you, curse at your jokes. Marah? I know you will. Silap2 lempang muka I terus.

Everytime kawan you tak habis makan, dia arah you 'weh, habiskan makanan aku.' And you ambik, habiskan. Both of you - she doesn't respect my position as your fiancee when she asked you to finish her meal. Who is she to do that? None of your friends do that. What gives her privilege to do that? She's only a friend. And she's crossed the line. And you tak hormat perasaan I bila you ambik makanan dia, habiskan. I tengok you dah macam kuli dia, habiskan sisa makanan dia. Selalu pulak tu. No wonder you listen to her. I hurt, bila I tengok orang sesuka hati arah you bila I sendiri tak mampu nak buat macam tu. I hurt bila you tak pedulikan I bila you habiskan sisa makanan kawan you, sedangkan mak dia sendiri pun tak buat macam tu!

She orders around asking you to do this and that for her. Is she a family to you? Think. Even your fiancee doesn't do that. Let alone friends. She's your only friend who does that. Again, I feel disrespected. Don't you?

Everytime the three of us walk together, I always observe both of you. You will be the one ahead, and then she will walk faster so she can walk beside you. And I walk alone. Who's your fiancee? Me or her? If you're aware of my position as your fiancee, you'll walk with me. And if she respected my position as your fiancee, she would let me walk next to you. Both of you. I tak mintak orang tunduk sembah I, tapi at least hormat perasaan I as a person. We treat strangers nicely, but why do we treat our loved ones badly?

And yes, I'm extremely annoyed seeing your relationship with her. I feel like slapping her face everytime she curses at you. I feel like slapping yours when you talk about sleeping with her. I feel like throwing her food away when she orders you to finish her meal. And I feel like splashing you with the drinks when you do. Why? Jealous? I won't be if you both don't cross the boundaries. I know, you are well aware of that. But you choose to ignore. You choose to annoy me rather than watching your actions with her. You've totally left me out. I don't have a say when it comes to her. I sakit hati tengok dia buat you sesuka hati dia. Tapi bagi you tak apa, sebab dia kawan you. Macam terbalik, sepatutnya you layan tunang you nicely. Tapi you layan kawan you macam raja, and tunang you macam hamba.

U made her your priority over me. Apa2 pun mesti tanya dia, ajak dia, consult dia. Semuanya kena dapat approval dia ke? You dengan dia sapa? Dia boss you ke? Adik beradik you ke? No! She's only a friend. A friend!

You dengar cakap dia, you tak pernah dengar cakap I. Whatever she says, whatever she wants.. Semua you turutkan. Tapi apa yang I mintak dari you, punyalah susah nak dapat. Sometimes I kena tunggu turn dengan dia. Bila dia dah dapat apa yang dia nak, baru you nak cari I and tanya apa yang I nak. Am I sharing my fiancee with a pengkid??

You told her how you feel, you never told me. Siapa tunang you sebenarnya? I ke dia? Kenapa susah untuk you share your feelings with me when I'm the closest to your heart in you life? But you turn to her. Segala apa pun, you cari dia. Then I ni apa? Tunggul kayu? Kenapa susah sangat you nak cakap, slow talk dengan I? I told you, talk to me. No matter how bad it is. For heaven's sake, communicate with me!

You care about her feelings, you never care about mine. You told me to behave, you told me to speak with manners when I'm talking to her. You don't hurt her, you hurt me.

Seriously, I give up.

In The Rain

2011-04-20T07:24:00.008+08:00

It's raining, it's almost 6am in the wee hours of dawn.
I fee like bathing in the rain.
And have your arms wrapped around me in the rain.
I wanna dance with you, slowly as the rain falls onto us.
Rest my head on your chest, feel both the chill of the rain and the warmth of your body.
Feel your chin on my head and your breath on my ear along the tapping sounds of the rain.

Oh, how I really miss you.
I miss you being romantic.
I miss the loving person you once were.
I miss having your hands caressing mine.
I miss having your arms around me.
I miss our slow talks.
I miss it when you call me to brush your hair.
I miss your soft kisses.
I miss your caresses on me.
I miss the way you call my name affectionately.
I miss the way you talk nicely, to me or to my family.
I miss holding you when you were cooking.
I miss kissing your hand in the morning and you, kissing my forehead everytime you were about to leave.
I miss your tenderness.
I really miss you.

Where have you been, my Love?
I've been looking, searching for my romantic lover.
My peace of mind.
i don't know where he is now.
I tried looking for you everywhere, but I can't find him anywhere.
I can't see him.
I see an angry person.
I see a cruel person.
I see a rude person who doesn't care about civics and courtesy.
I see someone else.
I can't see you anymore.
I can't reach out for you anymore.
I don't even know you anymore.
The person I've been loving all this time is no longer around.

I'm afraid.
I'm terrified.
I'm lost.
I'm lost in your oppressions.
I'm lost in your curses.
I'm lost in your anger.
I'm lost in your timidness.
I'm lost in your violent words and violent you.
I'm lost in looking for the real man I love, because I can't find him.

I've lost you.

Come home, my Love.
I'm longing to love you and be loved by you as we used to be before.
I want my teddy bear, and I've been missing him since forever.
Please, I want my Love back.
Please return.
Please.

If You Only Knew

2011-04-19T21:43:00.004+08:00

Benda2 ni aku copy dari entah sapa punya FB yang ter-ada kat home aku. To whom it may concern, if you read this, inilah apa yang aku rasa selama kita bersama. Sayang sekali, kau tak pernah tau. Atau mungkin, kau tak pernah ingin ambik tau.

Andainya lelaki tau--

* Apabila seprang perempuan jatuh cinta, lelaki itu tidak semstinya punya segalanya. Tetapi lelaki itu adalah segala2nya dihatinya.

* Apabila seseorang perempuan itu mengalirkan air mata, itu bukan bermakna dia lemah, tetapi dia sedang mencari kekuatan untuk terus tabah mencintai lelaki itu

* Apabila perempuan marah, dia tidak mampu mengawal perasaanya - tapi percayalah, itu maknanya dia sangat mengambil berat & menyayangi lelaki itu. Lihat saja pasangan yang baru bercinta, mereka jarang bergaduh. Tetapi percayalah, semakin bertambah sayang merekapada seseorang, semakin banyak pula pertelingkahan yang berlaku.

* Apabila perempuan bercakap banyak, dia tidak pernah bermaksud untuk membuat anda rimas, tapi dia mahu lelaki mengenalinya dengan lebih dekat.

* Apabila perempuan berkata dia mahu anda berubah, itu bukan bermakna dia tidak mahu menerima anda seadanya, tetapi dia mahu menjadikan anda lebih baik. Bukan untuk dirinya, tetapi untuk masa depan anda.

* Apabila perempuan cemburu & tidak percayakan anda, bukan bermakna dia tidak sayang. Tetapi dia terlalu sayangkan anda & masih menganggap anda anak kecil yang masih memerlukan sepenuh perhatian. Kadang2 dia terlalu risau sekiranya dia terlalu percaya, anda akan mengkhianati kepercayaan yang diberi. Naluri keibuannya sangat kuat. Dia hanya mahukan yang terbaik untuk anda.

* Apabila perempuan merajuk. jangan kata dia mengada-ngada. Dia bukannya mahu dipujuk dengan wang ringgit atau hadiah sedozen, tetapi cukup dengan perhatian yang boleh buat perempuan rasa dihargai.

* Apabila perempuan jarang mengatakan 'I Love You', itu tidak bermaksud dia tidak menyintai tetapi dia mahu lelaki itu merasai sendiri cintanya, bukan hanya hadir dari kata-kata tetapi juga melalui bahasa tubuhnya.

* Apabila perempuan kata dia rindu sama kamu, dia benar-benar maksudkannya. Apabila berjauhan, bayanganmu akan sentiasa bermain di mata.

* Apabila perempuan kata lelaki lain itu lebih baik dari kamu, jangan percaya kata-katanya kerana dia hanya mahu menguji kamu. Dia mahu melihat sejauh mana kamu sanggup menjadi yang terbaik di matanya. Walaupun sebenarnya memang kamulah yang terbaik di hatinya. Selagi dia dengan kamu, percayalah, walaupun perempuan menganggap masih ramai lagi yang lebih baik di matanya tetapi di hatinya, kamu tetap yang terbaik.

* Apabila perempuan menjadi degil, dia bukan bermaksud untuk menjadi degil tapi dia mahu melihat sejauh mana lelaki itu mampu bersabar dengan kerenahnya. Percayalah, hati perempuan itu sangat lembut. Andai kena caranya, jangan terkejut kalau akhirnya dia menukar fikirannya dalam masa sesaat.

* Apabila perempuan berkata, “tolong tinggalkan saya!”, dia tidak bermaksud menyuruh anda pergi selamanya. Dia hanya mahu menenangkan fikirannya sebentar saja. Apabila dia kembali tenang, percayalah dia akan mencari anda semula. Itu tandanya dia benar-benar menyintai anda. Perempuan sukar untuk mengawal perasaan. Dia terlalu emosional. Tapi dialah yang paling menyayangi anda dan sangat sensitif dengan perubahan pada diri anda.

* Sememangnya Allah menciptakan lelaki dan perempuan itu dengan perbezaan yang tersendiri. Tetapi sekiranya mereka saling memahami, mereka akan saling melengkapi dan menyempurnakan.

* Perempuan itu diciptakan oleh Allah indah sekali. Di sebalik air matanya, tersimpan seribu satu kekuatan yang bakal menjadikan seorang lelaki itu merasa selamat bersamanya. Biarpun zahirnya perempuan itu tampak lemah tapi dia punya kekuatan tersendiri yang bisa menggoncang dunia dan mungkin bisa pula membuat lelaki menjadi lemah kerananya.

Jadi hargailah kehadiran seorang perempuan dalam hidup anda kerana dia didatangkan bukan dengan kelemahan sahaja tetapi dia juga ada kekuatan untuk menyokong anda dan membuatkan hidup anda lebih sempurna. Dialah yang bakal menjadi perempuan bekerjaya, isteri juga ibu yang terbaik untuk anak2 anda.

Aku Putus Asa

2011-04-18T06:21:00.006+08:00

Biar aku mulakan entry kali ni dengan flow hubungan kita. Mula aku kenal kau, kau mau buat aku adik angkat. Dengan alasan; kau anak tunggal, tak punya adik. Aku terima. Kemudian kau tinggalkan tunang yang bersama kau selama 4 tahun macam tu je sebab kau mau buat aku milik kau. Aku cair dengan kata2 manis kau, aku terima. 3 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sebab kau mau bersama tunang kau balik. Kata kau, susah untuk kau lupakan dia. Aku pergi dengan hati luka. 3 bulan kemudian, setelah kau ditipu & diperbodohnya, sekali lagi kau ingin bersama aku. Memandangkan aku tak punya siapa2 pada waktu tu, aku terima kau semula. Selepas 5 bulan bersama, kau tinggalkan aku sekali lagi lepas kita bergaduh teruk. Aku pergi lagi dengan hati luka & rasa bersalah. Tak sampai sebulan lepas tu, setelah kau berbuat salah dengan aku, kau ingin mohon maaf & mau sekali lagi peluang dengan aku. Fikirku kau mungkin sudah berubah, apa salahnya aku maafkan kau, aku bagi kau 1 lagi peluang. Sekarang, baru lepas 4 bulan kita bersama, kau mula berpaling dari aku. Kau mula tak endahkan aku. Dan aku mula rasa yang tak lama nanti kau akan hancurkan hati aku lagi.

Walaupun dah beratus2 kali kau hancurkan hati aku.

Selama kita bersama, aku berusaha tunaikan apa saja yang kau mau. Apa saja yang kau minta. Aku bersabar dengan kerenah kau, ego kau, baran kau, selfish kau, perangai tak boleh blah kau. Aku turut kata2 kau, aku buat apa yang kau suruh. Kau hancurkan hati aku bukan sekali, tapi berkali2. Aku maafkan kau, aku bagi kau peluang. Aku jadikan kau keutamaan aku. Aku tinggalkan kawan2 aku, aku tinggalkan life aku sebelum aku jumpa kau.

Aku ingat lagi, masa kau sibuk minta maaf, minta peluang lagi sekali untuk bina hubungan yang kau dah hancurkan. Bila aku tak nak, kau kata apa? Aku sorang je GF kau yang sampai ke kampung kau. Aku ikut kau balik kampung tolong majlis pengebumian arwah mak kau. Cakap manis kau. Tapi sekarang? Apa pun kau tak ingat. Yang kau tau, kau mau jaga sangat kawan kau tu. Hormatkan dia. Apa kau ada fikirkan aku? Ada?

Apa kau ada hormatkan aku?

Orang sekeliling caci, maki aku sebab aku terima kau balik. Semua orang kata aku bodoh sebab aku masih nak bagi peluang kat kau walaupun dah kali kedua kau buat perangai. Tapi takpa, aku cuba bagi kau pelung.. mana tau kau dah berubah. Aku percaya sejahat2 manusia, masih tetap ada sikit kebaikan dalam diri dia. Tapi kau? walaupun dah berapa kali aku bagi peluang, kau masih sama, tak pernah berubah malah makin teruk jadinya hubungan yang kau kata nak baiki.
Nak improve konon. Bullshit!!

Kata kau, aku tak pedulikan rumah, tak kemas, tak masak, tak jaga rumah. Ada kau fikir kenapa aku tak buat semua tu? Adakah terlintas di kepala kau yang aku kecewa, aku terluka dengan tindakan kau? Untuk apa aku jaga segalanya tentang kau, bila apa yang kau buat cuma layan aku macam tunggul? Sedangkan kau sibuk jagakan orang lain! Kata kau dia faham apa kau mau. Kata kau aku tak pernah faham dirimu. Katakan, bagaimana untuk aku fahami kau bila aku tak pernah dapat untuk gapai, untuk selami hati kau? Bila semua yang aku tanya kau biar berlalu macam tu ja? Segala kesalahan kau mau letakkan atas aku!

Aku mau tanya kau, apa lagi yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Kain baju kau aku jaga. Makan kau aku cuba jaga. Hati kau aku elak daripada luka. Aku jaga bahasa bila aku bercakap dengan kau. Aku jaga air muka kau, maruah kau. Apa lagi yang kau mau dari aku? Apa lagi yang tak cukup? Kau mau perempuan yang macam mana? Perempuan yang ikut semua kata kau? Apa aku tak buat semua tu? Hah? Cermin diri kau! Bagitau aku, jenis perempuan mana yang kau nak? Perempuan alim? Perempuan bijak? Perempuan bagai ibu?

Bagitau aku!

Walaupun cuma setahun lebih hubungan kita, aku rasa sepertinya aku tlah menderita berpuluh2 tahun! Aku sakit, sakit sangat dengan perangai kau. Nyata, segala apa yang kau janjikan, segala apa yang kau kata semua dusta. Semua tipu helah belaka. Segalanya untuk kepentingan diri kau. Apa sebenarnya aku pada kau? Mana janji2 kau? Mana cinta & sayang kau? Mana? Aku mau tau, mana perginya cinta kau yang pernah kau canang2kan dulu?

Aku sedar, aku bukan sempurna. Aku bukan yang terbaik. Aku sedar aku sangat beremosi, malas, kuat tidur. Tak cukup untuk kau. Tapi aku berusaha untuk kau, aku kerja keras untuk puaskan hati kau. Dan aku juga mau ingatkan kau, kau juga jauh dari sempurna! Tak sehebat mana! Kau mau aku katakan dimana tak sempurnanya kau? Kau selekeh! Kau pemalas! Kau pembaran tak tentu pasal! Kau ego, fikirkan kau hebat sedangkan kau tak punya apa2! Itu kau! Tak perlu kau nafikan, aku ngerti semua pasal kau! Kau bagitau aku, apa permintaan aku yang kau tunaikan? Kamera tu jangan kau berani sebut, sebab kau beli itu untuk kau, bukan untuk aku. Canang kau saja belikan untuk aku. Sedangkan pintaku nyalakan sebatang rokok pun payah, apa saja yang kau buat untuk aku? Hah? Kau bagi 1 benda yang aku tak buat untuk kau? Kau cakap apa yang aku tak bagi pada kau? Semua aku buat, semua aku bagi kat kau!

Takkan tak cukup lagi untuk kau?

Dalam masa aku sakit hati, aku luka sebab perangai kau yang tak pernah peduli nak bagitau apa kau buat supaya aku tak risau, supaya aku tak resah fikirkan diri kau, ada kau ingat mau datang pujuk hati aku? Ada kau buat apa2 untuk sejukkan hati aku? Tak, kau pergi bersayang dengan ex kau, kau sibuk pergi jaga kawan kau. Tak ada sikitpun kau peduli pada aku. Aku ni apa? Kau bagitau aku, siapa aku ni, yang duduk rumah kau, yang jaga kau, yang makan hati sebab kau! Siapa aku?! Katakan aku tak memahami apa sebenarnya antara kau & dia? Apa kau pernah buatkan supaya aku faham keadaan sebenar? Apa kau ada jujur dan terus terang tentang apa sebenarnya? Jangan kau kata aku tak memahami, bila setiap kali aku bertanya kau lari dari berkata jujur!!

Buatkan supaya aku faham!

Aku mau tanya, aku tak jaga kau baik ke? Aku tak layan kau elok ke? Aku pergi menyundal dengan jantan lain ke, sampai tak peduli pada kau? Aku tak faham, apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk gembirakan hati kau? Apa lagi yang perlu aku buat untuk kau sedar yang kasih sayang tu bukan mainan? Kau ingat aku ni apa, anak patung? Yang boleh kau campak kesana kemari sesuka hati kau? Hah?!?!

Aku buat kau stress, aku buat kau kusut, ada kau pikir betapa aku kusut mengenang perangai kau? Apa kau ada peduli segala yang kau lakukan, buat aku menangis sendiri? Pernah kau mau kongsi apa masalah kau? Tak, kata kau aku takkan pernah boleh bantu kau. Kenapa? Hanya sebab aku perempuan, aku tak bekerja, aku tak mampu tolong kau? Bukak mata luas2, bantu bukan hanya dari segi duit, lelaki! Aku tau aku tak mampu beri kau duit, tapi aku tau aku mampu beri kau moral support! Tapi sayang, aku hanya tunggul dalam hatimu. Rendahnya aku pada pandangan matamu aku dapat rasakan sampai ke tulang. Tak pernah aku rasa sekelumit hormat pun dari dirimu untuk aku!

Aku dah penat! Aku lelah! Aku dah tak larat! Aku bosan dengan kau, perangai kau, sifat kau, sikap kau yang takkan pernah berubah. Wwalau bagaimana nasihatku, pujukku, kau takkan pernah mau berubah menjadi insan yang lebih baik! Aku dah puas berusaha, aku dah puas bersabar. Aku tak rasa aku mampu untuk bertahan lagi dengan kau. Lupakanlah semua memori kita, lupakan hajat arwah mak kau, lupakan yang aku pernah ada dalam hidup kau. Walau dalamnya cinta aku untuk kau, lupakan semua. Pergilah kau. Segala apa yang aku buat untuk kau, segala cinta yang aku bagi pada kau, semuanya sia2. Semuanya tak berguna. Kau tetap yang sama. Lupakanlah semua. Biar sampai sini saja perjalanan kita. Aku hilang kudrat untuk berusaha. Aku putus asa.
Aku putus asa...

Let Me Down.

2011-04-08T03:41:00.001+08:00

You already know, I can never accept it if you contact your ex. For what reason? Let me tell you.

One. She thought I stole you in the first place, when the real deal is that you left her because you wanted to be with me. Please don't deny it. What would she think when you go around texting her as if you guys are still together? That I can't really make you get over her? That she still has major influences on you? That you're trying to win her heart again when you're still attached to me? Please, I beg you please, be considerate.

Two. You did the same thing to me, when you told me you wanted to withdraw from our relationship before. I know, because you wanted to be with her, because you couldn't get over her. If you could only imagine how crushed I was back then. You don't have any idea. At this moment, I have every right to be cautious, or even paranoid.

Three. Whether you realise about it or not, contacting your ex when everybody thought I stole you from her, you'll just tarnish my name. And especially for her, in her eyes, she will see me as someone who fails to win your heart. Someone who fails to make you Love. Someone who is not powerful enough to make you forget her. You will let me down and I know, she may as well think of me as a loser.

Please, I know you've told me that it was nothing but looking at a larger view, I wouldn't know what your intentions are. Was it really nothing? Or was there something? Call me anything you want; paranoid, insecure, too much.. But for all I know, you've done this before and if you want to make it happen again, please let me walk far away from you so I won't really feel the pain.

And now, when I asked you on whether you want to keep the relationship going between us, I found that it's really difficult for you to give me even a simple answer. Please, do let me know if you have even the slightest intention to let this go. Don't leave this and me hanging around with questions without answers.

Please.

A Letter For You

2011-04-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

If I've been bad, I apologise.
But let me tell you how I actually felt when we were in Ipoh.

Masa kat Pasar Pagi, you marah I kat public just because I tak gantung camera leash kat keher. I rasa sangat offended. Even you kata I degil etc., tapi I still buat apa yang you suruh. Then, masa I dok berpeluh2 panas+haus+penat mata betulkan casting machine you, I mintak you nyalalkan rokok sebatang pun, you tak nak tolong. I know, maybe you tak nak bagi I smoke depan Mami. Tapi I dah mintak izin Mami; dia bagi. In fact, dia sendiri suruh I smoke, jangan segan2 depan dia. I kecik hati, sebab apa yang you suruh I buat, I cuba fulfill every single thing, tapi bila I mintak you nyalakan sebatang rokok pun, you tak nak tolong..

Then masa I lapar, haus, tengok2 you tak tapau apa2 for my breakfast, bila you tau I tak makan, tak minum air setitik pun malam sebelumnya. Lagi I tambah kecik hati, terus potong apetite I nak makan masa tu. Because I know how you'd act if this was your situation. Even if you masakkan untuk I pun lepas tu, I terpaksa jamah sikit sebab lapar sangat. But my heart was still hurt.

And then I found out you contact you ex. Muk Muk? Sempat lagi you nak bermanja dengan your ex-gf sedangkan gf you kat sebelah tengah hurt gila pasal you and your actions. And I think just calling her name would be enough kalau you just nak say Hi. Tapi Muk Muk? Of course, I lagilah tambah sakit hati. Macam mana kalau I contact ex I masa you tengah hurt about me and my behaviour, panggil nama manja dia masa I dengan dia dulu?

Now your turn pulak nak play quiet. I tak tau if you just nak balas balik or you dah tak nak teruskan relation ni lagi. Kalau you rasa you dah tak nak relation ni, and that you think your ex is better, wayyy better, let me know if you're leaving so I won't in vain. But if you nak teruskan hubungan ni, a big tight hug and a sincere 'Sorry' dah cukup baik untuk I.

And please, stop contacting your ex if you want to be with me. You know I hate it, and you know that I takkan nak bermanja2 dengan my ex, under any conditions.

Like you said, we improvise.

Awak

2011-03-23T21:27:00.001+08:00

Awak, lepas kita gaduh dengan aman hari tu, lepas awak marah saya, lepas saya lawan cakap awak, lepas saya nangis2, lepas awak grip lengan saya (& awak cakap awak tak nak buat saya GF je tapi awak nak buat saya isteri awak & saya sangat terharu), saya nampak awak berubah. Saya tengok awak dah tak kasar2 sangat dengan saya. Awak cakap baik2, elok2 dengan saya even lepas saya buat salah. Awak dah tak jerkah2 saya mcam dulu. Mula2 saya tak perasan, tapi lama2 baru saya nampak perubahan kat awak bila kita dah berapa lama tak gaduh. Saya tengok awak pun dah faham bila saya tak suka apa yang awak buat kat saya & awak apologise. Saya pun dah boleh keraskan hati saya sikit, tak emo sangat bila awak tegur saya, sebab saya tau kadang2 awak tak bermaksud pun nak berkasar dengan saya. Takpe, saya cuba faham situasi awak.

Terima kasih, awak. Dengan perubahan awak ni, saya rasa bahagia sangat, awak. Saya perasan, lepas malam tu, kita dah tak ada gaduh2 dah pasal benda2 kecik yang jadi. Saya tengok awak dah semakin tenang, kecuali masa awak bangun tidur. Hehe. Yang tu saya tak kisahlah, kadang2 saya pun moody bila baru bangun tidur.

Awak, saya harap kita dapat teruskan hubungan yang harmoni macam ni sampai bila2. Saya harap perubahan positif yang ada kat hubungan kita ni berkekalan. Saya bersyukur sangat, awak. Saya tau, awak banyak bersabar dengan perangai saya. Percayalah, saya pun banyak bersabar dengan kerenah awak. Tapi buat masa ni, walaupun tak keseluruhan, saya nampak perubahan dalam hubungan kita. Terima kasih sangat2 awak. Awak betul2 buat saya happy.

Awak sentiasa ada kat sebelah saya. Mana2 awak pergi, kalau saya nak ikut, awak bawak saya. Saya happy, awak. Walaupun kadang2 saya rasa awak macam dingin dengan saya, dan saya tau awak fikirkan masalah awak sangat, tapi saya tak kisah, asalkan awak ada dengan saya. kat sebelah saya. Saya tau awak selamat.

Terima kasih, awak. Saya betul2 hargai perubahan positif dalam diri awak, saya dan hubungan kita. Sekarang saya dapat rasa nikmat lepas setahun lebih saya bersabar. Terima kasih, awak. Terima kasih sangat2. Saya sayang awak.

Open Heart, Open Mind.

2011-03-10T01:36:00.003+08:00

Saya bukan nak mengungkit, tapi ini yang saya rasa, dan saya tak boleh nak bagitau awak face-to-face sebab nanti awak melenting meletup sebab awak tak boleh terima. Saya dah tak boleh nak tahan lagi dengan perangai awak yang selalu lukakan hati saya. Hari2, saya jaga hati awak, saya elakkan daripada tinggi suara kat awak. Saya tak pernah maki awak. Saya cuba & cuba bersabar dengan kerenah awak, dengan baran awak, dengan mulut awak. Bila awak marah saya, awak tak cakap elok2, awak terus burst kat saya. Awak ada pernah tak, sekali pun terfikir yang hati saya selalu remuk sebab awak? Pernah tak? Pernah tak awak terfikir yang kata2 awak tu macam pisau, tajam sangat? Awak ada pernah terfikir tak?

Bila saya selalu pesan kat awak supaya selalu bersabar dengan orang, beradab dengan orang, awak kata saya berlagak mulia. WTF?? Selama awak dengan saya, memang itu je ke yang awak nampak kat saya? Berlagak mulia? Awak, kalau saya berlagak je mulia, saya takkan bertahan dengan awak sampai setahun lebih. ~~Saya dah tinggal awak, takpun cari lelaki lain awal2 lagi dah~~. Saya betul2 tak boleh terima bila awak cakap macam tu. Lagi satu bila awak cakap macam tu, saya faham lah, maknanya awak tak suka merendah diri. Awak tak nak mengalah. Awak nak semua orang hormat awak.

Awak ego. Ego sangat2. Saya tanya awak, ego awak tu pernah bagi apa kelebihan kat awak? Dengan ego awak tu, awak dapat rumah besar ke? Dapat kereta besar ke? Awak bawak ego awak tu pergi kedai pajak, orang kedai tu nak ambik ke ego awak tu? Saya tanya awak, boleh ke ego awak tu bagi kebahagiaan kat awak? Saya dah cuba rendahkan ego awak, lembutkan hati awak supaya aawak jadi orang yang boleh bertoleransi. Tapi awak ingat saya nak buat awak tunduk kat saya. ~~Awak ni bodoh ke apa?~~ Tak reti nak tengok kelebihan rendahkan ego? Bukannya saya mintak awak buang semua ego awak tu. Saya nak awak rendahkan sikit je.

Sebabnya? Awak tanyalah siapa pun, tak ada perempuan yang suka lelaki ego. Sesama lelaki pun menyampah. Sebab ego ni setan. Awak sendiri tau, berapa banyak rumahtangga hancur sebab ego. Takkan awak tak faham2 lagi? Ego awak yang awak sayang sangat tu sebenarnya tak ada guna sikit pun. Kalau kita kahwin, dengan perangai awak yang awak tak nak ubah tu, tak mustahil satu hari nanti kita bercerai sebab ego kesayangan awak tu.

Awak panas baran. Sangat! Sifat ni pun tak guna satu sen pun. Untuk apa awak nak simpan baran awak tu kalau awak sendiri pun tau yang fungsi baran tu satu je - menghancurkan. Awak tau sangat2 pasal ni. Tapi tak, awak nak jugak simpan baran awak tu. Saya pun tak tau kenapa. Sebab saya yang paling dekat dengan awak, sayalah yang selalu jadi tempat awak nak lepaskan baran awak tu. Takkan awak nak lepaskan kat kawan2 kesayangan awak pulak kan? Saya tau. Memang saya yang selalu dapat habuan tu. Tapi, awak ada terfikir tak, kalau baran saya sama level dengan baran awak? Awak ada fikir tak berapa banyak saya kena sabar dengan baran awak tu?

Saya asyik nasihat, nasihat. Sampai saya sendiri pun dah tak larat nak nasihat awak supaya lose the temper! Awak macam tak faham bahasa melayu. Saya nak kena ukir kat otak awak tu ke, baru awak nak ingat? Dah berbuih mulut saya cakap, cakap dan cakap kat awak yang perangai baran awak tu tak bagi apa2 manfaat pun. Either kat awak, kat saya or kat mana2 hubungan. Boleh tak awak faham? Boleh tak awak jadi orang yang rasionalnya tinggi? Yang boleh kawal diri? Susah sangat ke nak buat? Sedangkan diri awak sendiri kot. Takkan diri awak nak kena orang lain yang kawal pulak?

Awak biadap. Panggillah apa pun; laser, mulut longkang, celupar, outspoken, blunt, rude.. Semua tu awak ada. Sebab awak buat semua tu. Mungkin awak tak perasan, tapi saya & orang2 kat sekeliling awak tau perangai awak tu. Tanyalah siapa pun, semua kawan2 awak cakap awak macam tu. Awak tak malu ke, orang cakap awak mulut celupar? Biadap? Awak tak rasa segan ke bila orang tengok awak macam tu? Saya malu. Saya malu bila orang datang kat saya kata BF saya mulut kurang ajar. Saya tak tau nak defend apa kat orang sebab memang awak macam tu. Awak rasa, dengan mulut awak tu, orang boleh hormat awak ke? Orang boleh pandang tinggi kat awak sebab mulut awak ke? Entah2 orang malas nak layan mulut awak tu, and orang dah tak kuasa nak tegur awak sebab awak memang tak makan nasihat.

Pujuklah, nasihatlah macam mana pun, awak tetap dengan mulut celupar awak. Awak ada terfikir tak, kalau perangai awak ni turun kat anak awak, dia pulak marah awak, tengking awak, perli awak, kurang ajar dengan awak? Awak ada terfikir tak pasal tu? Saya rasa tak. Sebab awak bangga sangat dengan mulut awak tu, dengan celupar awak tu. ~~Akal awak letak kat mana? Kat tapak kasut awak ke?~~

Bila saya buat kat awak, pandai awak marah. kata saya kurang ajar la apa la. Tapi awak? Ada awak cermin diri awak tu, perangai macam mana? Kalau perangai awak tu elok sangat boleh la kalau awak nak marah saya. Tapi hakikatnya awak lagi teruk dari saya. Awak pernah kata, anak yang baik datang dari keluarga yang baik. Dari perangai awak, saya dah tau keluarga saya yang porak peranda ~~lagi baik dari keluarga awak.~~ Sebab saya tak tengking mak ayah saya macam mana awak buat kat mak bapak awak. Awak boleh sedar sikit tak, yang mulut lancang awak yang non-stop tu buat orang menyampah kat awak? Sesuka hati cakap orang tu bodoh, orang ni stupid, orang tu idiot..

Awak tu pandai sangat ke nak kata orang lain bodoh? Awak tau segala2nya ke nak kata orang lain tak pandai? Saya tanya awak, awak reti melukis ke? Awak tau bertukang ke? Awak reti menanam ke? Tak kan? So, sedarlah yang awak tak tau segala2nya. Ada bidang yang awak tak tau, melainkan awak belajar pasal bidang tu.

Awak nak orang hormat awak, awak nak orang takut kat awak. Awak ingat awak tu siapa? Tuhan? Malaikat? Awak nobody, tau ke? NOBODY. Kalau kat ofis awak, orang hormat awak sebab awak rajin, sebab awak senior.. Tak apa lah. Tapi kalau awak nak sampai semua orang untuk hormat awak, awak silap la. Bukan semua orang kerja satu ofis dengan awak, yang mana yang kerja kat situ rata2nya minah gedik, minah rempit, unggek2 je. Memanglah semua boleh hormat awak. Sebab diorang tengok awak berduit, sebab dengan kerja macam tu awak boleh pakai motor besar, kereta lagi.. Kan?

Jujur saya cakap, ~~awak tak ada apa2~~. Bila awak nak saya takut kat awak jugak, memang saya tak boleh terima. Sebab awak bukan siapa2 untuk saya. Lainlah kalau awak tu suami saya. Ada sebab jugaklah kalau awak nak saya takut kat awak, sebab syurga kat bawah tapak kaki awak. Tapi saya tak rasa saya patut takut kat awak. Sebab awak tak ada apa2. Sebab kalau setakat sebab badan awak besar, duit awak banyak (banyak ke?), baran awak tinggi saya kena takut kat awak, awak silaplah. Yang ada kat saya untuk awak cuma hormat. Saya hormat awak sebab awak banyak pengalaman, awak banyak pengetahuan. Tapi bukan sebab duit awak. Duit saya pun boleh cari. Mana2 pun boleh jumpa duit. Tapi saya takkan hormat seseorang sebab duit dia. Mengarut!

Ingatlah Tuhan bila awak nak orang takut kat awak. Sebab bila2 masa je Tuhan boleh buat awak hilang upaya untuk berdiri gagah depan mata orang.

Awak selalu berlagak, menunjuk kat orang apa yang awak ada. Saya tak suka, sebab saya percaya kat sifat rendah diri. Awak ingat orang kisah sangat ke dengan apa yang awak ada? Orang tengok sekejap je orang suka, lepas tu bila orang dah tau apa yang awak ada, orang gunakan awak. Awak nampak tak kronologi tu? Saya dah lama perhati je perangai awak ni. Bila saya nasihat, awak kata saya bising, saya membebel. Yang sampai orang pecahkan bearing kereta awak tu? Tak gunakan awak namanya? Bila saya kata awak pendek akal, awak marah, tak boleh terima. Tapi itu hakikatnya. Awak tak nampak apa niat orang kat awak melalui perangai diorang. Awak nak saya buka cerita satu per satu ke pasal orang gunakan awak? Saya rasa awak sendiri tau pasal tu kot.

Awak sangat pentingkan diri. Sangat sangat sangat! Awak pentingkan masa awak, kawan2 awak, hartabenda awak, diri awak! Ada awak peduli kebajikan orang lain, ayah awak contohnya. Dari awak kecik dia besarkan awak, sampaikan awak pun dah jadi lagi besar dari dia, ada awak peduli kesihatan dia? Tak, awak buat bodoh je. Saya faham, awak anak tunggal, dah biasa hidup sendiri. Tapi itu bukan alasan awak untuk pentingkan diri sendiri. Bila awak kahwin, kepentingan awak jadi nombor 2, keluarga, anak2 yang patut diutamakan. Ini tidak, awak kata awak nak kahwin dengan saya tapi awak buat saya macam mana? Awak lagi sayang material daripada orang yang selalu jaga awak! Semua benda saya kena buat. Semua benda saya kena mengalah. Awak nak menang je selalu. tak pentingkan diri ke namanya tu? Bukak mata awak tu sikit. Dengan perangai awak yang macam ni, tak taulah siapa yang boleh tahan dengan awak. Kawan2 awak pun tak tahan dengan awak tau tak?

Awak, kalau awak nak saya kurangkan emo saya, saya boleh buat. Saya akan buang emo saya tu. Syaratnya? Awak buang la ego & baran & celupar awak tu. Awak sendiri tau, kalau tak ada apa2 yang buat saya kecik hati kat awak, saya takkan nak emo2 & merajuk. Takkanlah saya nak merajuk tak tentu pasal dengan awak tanpa sebab. Saya boleh kurangkan emo saya, kalau awak tak marah2 saya, blunt dengan saya. Kan saya dah bagitau awak dari dulu lagi, saya sensitif sangat2. So, of course-lah saya emo kalau apa yang awak cakap kata saya tu lukakan hati saya. Kalau awak tak buat perangai, tak baran, tak ego, tak celupar, nak buat apa saya nak emo2 dengan awak? Betul tak?

Kalau awak baca entri ni, saya harap awak tak marah. Saya harap awak dapat buka hati, buka minda, lapangkan dada awak luas2 dan terima. Saya nak awak sedar, yang semua tu tak elok untuk awak, especially untuk masa depan awak. Ini kebenaran. Awak nafikan macam mana pun, semua orang tau yang inilah awak. Bukannya saya nafikan kebaikan awak, tak. Saya tau banyak kebaikan awak sebenarnya, tapi sebab ego awak tu, sebab selfish awak tu, sebab awak nak orang hormat awak, takut kat awak, segala kebaikan awak, awak simpan. Kalau saya jadi awak lah, saya keluarkan semua kebaikan saya supaya orang tak takut kat saya, tapi orang sayang & hormat kat saya.

Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak tengok satu2nya lelaki yang saya sayang boleh jadi seorang lelaki budiman, yang disayangi di dunia dan jugak di akhirat nanti. Awak, kalaulah awak boleh berubah, hidup awak akan lagi tambah2 bahagia & orang2 kat sekeliling awak sayangkan awak, hormat awak. Bukan sebab harta, tapi sebab awak; diri awak. Kalau saya masih kat sebelah awak masa tu, saya lah partner yang paling bangga, paling bahagia, dan sayalah orang yang paling hormat awak.

Awak tau tak, kalau kita kahwin, nanti kalau saya masuk syurga tapi awak kena masuk neraka, Allah akan kahwinkan saya lagi sekali dengan pari2 lelaki yang ada kat syurga tau? Mana2 isteri pun macam tu. Awak nak masuk neraka ke?

Awak, saya mintak maaf banyak2 kalau awak baca entri ni & awak sakit hati. Tapi ini je cara saya untuk luahkan apa yang saya rasa, apa yang saya nampak, apa yang saya tak puas hati. Dan ini lebih baik daripada saya cerita kat orang lain, & boleh jadi fitnah. Saya tau, awak pun tau, kalau saya cakap benda2 ni depan awak, saya takkan boleh habis sebab tak sampai separuh saya cakap awak akan potong & awak akan melenting2 marah. Sebab saya tau awak tak boleh terima. Saya sedih sangat bila awak buat macam tu. Seolah2 saya ni nobody untuk awak. Hina sangat ke saya kat mata awak? Sampai awak boleh buat sesuka hati awak kat saya? Kalau awak sayang, macam ni ke cara awak tunjukkan kasih sayang awak kat saya?

Awak belajarlah terima kebenaran, walaupun semua orang tau, kebenaran tu memang sangat2 menyakitkan. Belajarlah bersabar, merendah diri. Belajarlah mengaku kesilapan & maafkan kesilapan orang lain. Belajarlah handle kritikan dari orang lain. Belajarlah awak, masih belum terlambat untuk awak belajar sekarang. Jangan nanti bila dah nazak, nak mati baru awak nak belajar. Masa tu dah tak guna kalau awak nak menyesal ke apa ke. Sekarang ni lah awak, sementara masih ada lagi orang yang sayang kat awak, kawan2 ada kat sekeliling awak. Takkan lah bila dah tinggal sorang2 baru awak nak sedar? Masa tu orang dah tak nak kawan awak dah, orang dah tak nak sayang awak dah. Semua dah sibuk dengan hal masing2.
Berhenti sekejap. Fikir. Apa jenis masa depan yang awak nak.

Again, saya mintak maaf kat awak sangat2 kalau awak baca entri ni. Saya sayang awak, sebab tu saya nak tengok awak berubah. Saya nak buktikan, yang awak boleh jadi lelaki budiman kat orang2 kat luar sana yang selalu perlekehkan awak, kutuk2 awak. Buktikanlah awak, yang awak ni lelaki sejati, a true gentleman yang sempurna & boleh bahagiakan orang yang sayang kat awak. Saya tau awak boleh, sebab awak kuat. Awak mampu. Jadilah lelaki budiman, B. InsyaAllah, banyak faedahnya.

If I Trouble You Too Much--

2011-02-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

OK, here goes. Nak pergi pick you up @Sentral, tapi minyak habis kat tengah2 jalan. I pergi masuk Chow Kit, tapi tak sempat sampai kat Shell yang ada kat situ. So I walked to the station and beli minyak masuk tong. You called, and I taknak bagitau you yang minyak kereta habis and I tengah nak refuel balik. Sebabnya? I taknak susahkan you pergi balik belikan minyak etc. I tak tau yang you nak pergi Pertama Complex and that kedai yang you nak pergi tu tutup awal. The second time you called, you dah marah2 tanya pasal apa lambat etc. Bila I sampai Sentral, you masuk2 kereta je terus nak marah2 I. Kenapa I tak bagitau you awal2? Susah sangat ke nak bagitau kereta habis minyak?

Sebenarnya memanglah tak susah, cuma I just tak nak you kehulu kehilir sebab kecik je. Salah I, sebab I tak isi minyak semalam, even 10rm pun should be enough nak amik you & pergi Pertama. Tapi I nak save duit, that's why I tak nak withdraw duit dari bank. Duit yang ada tu I nak guna masa emergency dah tak ada duit sangat2 nanti, at least ada back-up. I tak boleh nak bagitau you yang I nak simpan duit tu, nanti you marah, kata I tak nak bantu you ke apa ke nanti.

I tak nak susahkan you tadi. Sebabnya? I dah susahkan you in terms of money, so I tak nak susahkan you in terms of your energy. Tapi bila you kata I tak payah mintak duit makan, duit belanja kat you kalau betul I taknak susahkan you, I betul2 rasa macam I ni mintak sedekah kat you, even untuk isi minyak je. I tak mintak banyak pun, just duit untuk fuel je. Takkan itu pun too much? I bukannya mintak 100rm seminggu, untuk buat belanja. I mintak duit buat isi minyak je. Kalau nak diikutkan, seingat I, you kata I tak payah kerja, biar you je tanggung I. So this is you supporting me. Tapi kenapa you cakap macam tu? Seolah2 I bebankan you sangat2. I tak ada mintak pun duit untuk beli buku ke apa ke, let alone mintak duit untuk shopping. Sebab I tak nak susahkan you.

Salah ke kalau I selesaikan sendiri masalah, I just nak you tunggu je sampai I settle. Salah ke? Why didn't you tell me you were going to a place that closes at 8.30pm (wtf?) in the first place? I mengaku, salah I, sebab tak bagitau you awal2. Tapi if I'd known, of course I dah bagitau you awal2.

I'm sorry. Tapi kedai tu boleh pergi lagi esok lusa kan? Janganlah bitter sangat over a stupid shop with a stupid owner who closes at 8.30pm. OK? OK?

Retarded?

2011-02-16T01:20:00.000+08:00

Sapa2 pun, bila dipanggil terencat akal, marah tak? Bila you sendiri orang kata retarded/terencat, you marah tak? I bet you do. Apatah lagi depan orang. Bila you sesuka hati kata I retarded, you ada terfikir tak, apa yang I rasa? I admit, I lurus bendul. I tak tau pasal banyak benda macam you. I tak peka macam you. Tapi one thing for sure, I ada hati, I tau apa rasa offended, I bukan patung batu yang tak rasa apa2, yang tak akan reply apa pun yang you buat..

I manusia, dan hati I tak sekuat mana nak handle mulut blunt you. I tau, you tau yang I sangat sensitif. Tapi kali ni, you're the one who's not alert about what I feel. I bukan kawan you, yang you boleh main2, yang you boleh nak perlecehkan sesuka hati you. I someone yang sayang you. I someone yang you kata you nak nikah. Tapi, macam ni ke you layan isteri you? Sama macam kawan2 you? Kalau macam tu, masudnya I tak ada apa2 makna untuk you. I bukan orang yang you nak nikah. Bukan.

Sebab sepatutnya, if you love someone, you would never hurt them, you would never want to make them cry, you would never want to insult/humiliate them. If you love someone, you'd want to take a really good care of them, you'd make them smile/laugh all the time. You'd be there when they need you.

Macam mana dengan you? I tak tau apa makna sayang untuk you. How do you define love. Sebab apa yang I rasa sekarang bukan sayang, tapi penghinaan.

Apa you rasa kalau I panggil you retard depan2 Nabila/Long/Pa? Marah tak? I bet you will. Silap2 you mengamuk. Tapi you sesuka hati panggil I retard depan2 Ijam, you have no idea betapa I malu depan Ijam. And Ijam yang kawan yang I tak tahu hati budi pun boleh tunjukkan kat I baik2 what should I do. Tapi you? I malu kat Ijam - 1. sebab you boleh kata I terencat akal depan dia, 2. sebab BF I dah sangat terbiasa dengan mulut kurang ajar dia sampai GF sendiri pun dia boleh kata terencat akal.

I tak tau apa lagi yang you nak dari I, yang boleh buatkan you hargai I macam mana sepatutnya seorang lelaki menghargai wanita. Mungkin sebab you dah biasa sangat jadi jantan, that I can't change you jadi lelaki balik. I'm sorry, but that's just what I feel.

Kalau macam ni cara you layan I, and kalau cara ni takkan berubah, I rasa sepanjang hidup I dengan you I akan menangis menangis menangis.. sebab perangai you, mulut you. Tak boleh ke kurangkan biadab, tambahkan adab dalam diri you? Bukannya I mintak you alihkan gunung untuk I.. I cuma mintak you jadi seorang lelaki budiman. Sebabnya? Bukan untuk I, sebabnya, bila kita manusia ada anak, apa yang kita buat 10x anak akan buat.. I tak nak kalau kita ada anak, anak kita 10x kurang ajar dari you. I tak nak. Sebab tu I suruh you berubah kalau you nak kahwin dengan I..Bukan I suruh you berubah suka2 untuk kepentingan diri I.. Tolonglah faham..

Jadilah lelaki budiman sayang, ramai yang akan sayang you.. Tolonglah..

Despicable!

2011-02-15T11:32:00.000+08:00

Hate is a strong word. But God, I really, really don't like your guts! Just because you're close to him at work, it doesn't mean you can go around and act as if you're his girlfriend! Or perhaps, he's so nice to you that you think he might give just about everything u ask for! Damn!

How would you feel if some other girl do that to your man?

Fine, call me a paranoid, but maybe it's just me; I don't like girls who behave like you. As if you don't have any self-pride. Don't you feel any shame doing that to another man, where you are already attached to someone? Oh, that is so not me. And I can't deal with people behaving like that. Just, not possible. If only I could just banish you off...

Valentine's Day

2011-02-11T14:05:00.000+08:00

Hari ni aku nak bercakap pasal V-Day, since lagi 2-3 hari je nak masuk 14th Feb kan. Sebab selalunya aku whine around je kat blog ni, terasa nak tulis something yang lain pulak. And sebab aku pun pernah sambut Valentine's zaman aku jahil dulu. Jahil & tak peduli. Bagi aku lah, Valentine's ni mengarut je. It's just a day where everybody is anticipating, and the media exaggerating. Aku tak rasa Valentine's ni satu isu besar, sampailah ada mufti yang keluarkan statement kata sambut V-Day itu HARAM.

Ramai yang marah bila jadi macam tu, bila kerajaan buat itu-ini kat hari2 yang kita celebrate. Kenapa aku kata kita? Sebab aku pun terlibat sekali menyambut V-Day satu masa yang tak dulu sangat. When it comes to Valentine's Day, memang we're not supposed to celebrate because one; it's not one of our festivals. Two; ulama' pun dah state Valentine's tu celebration yang bukan2. Sembah dewa la, and raikan kematian St. Valentine. What the hell? Sapa yang raikan kematian someone dalam Islam? Karut. Karut yang melampau. Orang mati kita tahlilkan, bukan raikan! (Tapi hal St. Val ni terkecuali sebab dia kapir) Lepas tu, hari yang sama ni jugak dulu Kerajaan Rom jatuhkan Kerajaan Islam kat Cordova. Ini yang kita nak raikan? Kejatuhan Kerajaan Islam yang kita nak raikan? Bullshit! Kalau macam tu, ulangtahun wafat Nabi Muhammad s.a.w kenapa orang2 kat Malaysia ni tak raikan? Dumbskulls. Yang paling teruk & otak aku tak boleh nak hadam is that one girl kena jadi sex slave for a year because of this day! Memang yang ni aku tak suka! Total horseshit!

Semuanya sebab terpengaruh dengan media punya gembar-gembur yang besar2kan hari ni. Sebenarnya Hari Kekasih ni tak ada apa pun yang nak diraikan. Orang2 Malaysia ni je, terikut2 sangat dengan budaya Amerika tu. American sangat ke orang2 kat Malaysia ni? Coklat je aku tengok, tak putih pun. Yang sibuk2 nak ikut budaya aorang tu buat apa? Budaya sendiri yang sedia ada cantik molek, sibuk nak pi ikut budaya orang. Dah tak ada kerja lain dah ke? Tak cukup lagi festival yang ada dalam agama Islam & budaya Melayu ke, sampai kita sibuk nak sambut perayaan budaya lain?

Lagi satu, kalau nak diikutkan, Valentine's Day ni orang2 Kristian punya celebration, yang orang2 Muslim nak pi ikut sambut sekali tu nak buat apa? Tumpang sekaki? Kita pun Kristian jugak ke? Bila sampai 14th Feb je, kita jadi Kristian sekejap, sambut Valentine's, lepas tu jadi Islam balik. Macam tu? =.='

Macam yang Ustazah Bahyah kata, bila time V-Day je semua orang sibuk nak berkasih sayang. Semua kepoh nak buktikan cinta bila sampai Hari Kekasih ni. Kenapa, hari lain tak boleh nak buktikan ke? Hari lain tak ada kasih sayang ke? Special day-lah sangat. Kalau nak buat macam tu, jumpa kekasih setahun sekali je, tak payah jumpa hari2. Sebab hari yang nak buktikan kasih sayang setahun sekali je kan? Hari lain tak peduli pun nak berkasih sayang. Bergaduh bercekau sama jugak.

Another thing, bila sampai hari ni, semua ambik kesempatan atas nama kasih sayang, atas nama cinta. Lelaki ke, perempuan ke, sama je. Yang perempuan, masa ni lah nak pow bf diorang kaw2, beli roses lah, coklat lah, mintak tu mintak ni. Selagi tak kosong wallet bf dia, selagi tu dia tak berhenti. Yang lelaki pulak, macam biasalah, 'Kalau you sayang I, buktikan malam ni.' What the...?? Faham sangat dah dengan perangai lelaki2 yang kononnya sambut Hari Kekasih sebab cinta, sayang, tapi sebenarnya jantan hidung belang. Yang kekasih ni ikut lah, cinta punya pasal. Dah settle V-Day, masuk pertengahan/hujung tahun, putus - tahun depannya mamat tu kekah perempuan lain pulak.. Atas dasar cintaaaa... Baguslah sangat macam tu. Silap2 bercinta time V-Day, masuk bulan 11 ada orang jumpa baby berbungkus kat entah mana2 lorong. Macam tu ke buat kat kekasih? Kasih sayang my foot!

Supposedly, Hari kekasih bukan Valentine's Day, tapi Vagina Day. Sebab masa hari ni lah, lelaki mintak & perempuan bagi V-nya atas nama cinta pada V-Day. So, scratch Valentine's, put Vagina instead. Baru betul makna dia. Kan?

A Tale of Tears

2011-01-19T01:59:00.000+08:00

You're angry. But did you ever give it a thought about it when you yelled at me across the EPF office hall? Did it ever occurred to you how would I feel when you said you can't afford to live with me and that you don't want to live with me? Can you imagine how much it hurts when the person you Love most say those words to you? You wanted to annoy me with Nia? Well, congratulations. You did.

Just yesterday you said you Love me. I asked you, how much? And you answered so much. Today you said you don't want to live with me. Why, because of my emotions. But for me, I suppose it is better for me to be quiet and stay quiet while I'm upset rather than yelling around. Don't you think?

I'm tired. I'm tired of you walking out on me, I'm tired of crying over small, small matters, I'm tired of being blamed almost every time, I'm tired of being yelled at, all I want is to be happy. Make one mistake after another and then fix them, enjoy life while I still can walk and speak and see you. Because I'll never know when I'm going to fall sick, be blinded or break my legs.

I thought all the Love that I have given you through these many days was enough. But apparently it's not. Apparently you want more.

You. Should I?

2010-12-08T07:27:00.002+08:00

You apologised. You wanted another chance. You realised that you were wrong. You want to make it up to me, improve our relationship and be happy together. What were you thinking when you broke this up and destroyed me?

I still remember, it was November 9th, I went to your office parking lot at the basement and waited for you from 10pm to 2am, just to ask for another chance to patch things up between us. 4 hours of waiting, hurting and hoping that you might think twice about our relationship. But all I got was ultimate disappointment and humiliation. Yes, I know I've insulted you pretty bad when I threw all your stuff outside the house. And I've explained it to you why. Why, what made me do that, because for all you know, I would never do such things to you.

But you said you would rather die alone than live your life with me. Can you imagine how those words slammed my heart? Everything that I had hope, all the things we built together was ruined, destroyed in a split second after you said that. And what made it worse is that you told me you were living a happier life without any commitment and me. In one week, you told me, you didn't have anybody to control your movements and whereabouts you were going. Well, let me tell you something. Within that one week where you were living happily, I was stuck at home, crying and crying, and hoping that you would come back. Sending you messages and cards and even flowers to make you come home. But you did not. You never did.

And, did you ever thought of me after that November 9th? Did you ever miss me along the 3 weeks after you dumped me, for the second time? I didn't stop thinking of you. Everywhere I went, everything I saw and felt, every song I heard, it all reminded me of you. Especially Ruby. Driving that car made me miss you so much, I wanted to run to you and tell you how much I love and care for you, and how I wanted to relive our relationship so we can be happy again. I just wonder, did I ever cross your mind, even for a second? Did you ever want to call me and say you missed me? I wonder.

And then came 2nd December. Thursday, I was drunk and I wanted you so much. I called you, I said I hate you repeatedly. I did, I did hate you, because you, instead of giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes, you walked away. You left me hanging, and then you crushed me to ground when you end it. I was satisfied for hurting you. But you came. You came and God knows, how I wanted to hold you and say I'm sorry for everything. But you hit me, humiliated me again in front of our friends. You left us and with me nothing at 4am in the morning. Don't be mad at Wani, she just had to to what she needed to do. Or I would never get home that night. None of of us would.

But after that you started calling and calling me, from Saturday night. Until yesterday, insisting that you want to see me. For whatever reasons, I don't know. But I was sure I didn't want to meet you. I was hurt so badly after what you did that I never wanted to see you again. I even prayed to God to put you away from me if we're not meant for each other. But you kept on coming. You never stopped coming. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what are God's plans for us. You came to me asking for forgiveness and telling me how sorry you were after that night. And that you realised how you still loved me after you found out you broke into anger knowing I was taking alcohol. What? Where was your conscience when I was begging at you for another chance? Where was your heart when you said you love me, but you can't keep our relationship? And the part where you were willing to give any amount of money, long as I walk away from you? What happened to you? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? See me cry for you?

I don't know what you feel, but somewhere in me is saying that you might be lying to me. I know, everyone knows that you are an excellent liar. How you lied to me pretty much about everything that I needed to know and that you preferred it to be that way because you just couldn't tell me the truth. For all I know, I have told you about everything I need in a relationship. And the most important is that I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how painful it is. But you couldn't, you just couldn't.. Why is it so difficult for you to tell me, tell everybody the truth?

I can't stop thinking - why should I give you another chance? Will we be happier if we get back together? Will you prove yourself to me, according to what you've said that night? Will I not be hurt by you again? Will I not be crying alone in my room because of what you do and say, again? Can we live a happy life together and live by God's rules? Happily? Can you stand my mood swings which can burst at any time for the rest of your life? Will you stay faithful to me in say, 30 years? I have so much to lose in this. And I'm so afraid if I let you have this opportunity, you will break me again. I want to forgive you. I want to let you fix what you've done. I want to try again and make it work. But I'm afraid. I am so afraid, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt you, I can't. But I'm afraid you will. My brain says I gotta be selfish in this. But my heart says you should be given another chance. I don't know which to follow. You can say anything, but if this doesn't work out, I will be the one who cries every night in her room until you fade.

Things That I Hate About You

2010-12-08T07:25:00.002+08:00

You. I never fancied you in the first place. Just so you know, here are the things that I don't like about you.

1. I hate your long hair. It makes you look messy and you look miserable.

2. I never liked your eyes. Maybe it takes time for me to get used to it.

3. I hate your huge ego. It suffocates me. If ego was a person, I'd kill it long time ago.

4. I hate it when you snore. I can't sleep with you snoring loudly next to me. I need more than a half hour to sleep hearing your snores.

5. I hate the way you wear your pants. It's so low, everybody can see you ass. They don't even have to peek. At least, you could wear high-waist undies to cover it, but you didn't. It's gross. Like, so ew.

6. I hate it when you were always controlling my movement, I can't even go out anywhere to meet friends. I ain't your pet, I was your partner..

7. I hate it when I asked you about something, you lied to me, even though you were just playing around. I didn't like it. Just tell me the truth. End of story.

8. I hate it when you escaped our fights, instead of sitting down with me and solve it.

9. I hate it when you kept on provoking me even after I gave in to our fights.

10. I hate your guts when you never wanted to admit your mistakes and kept on blaming me on small2 matters that occur. It made both of us look childish with you blaming and me defending myself.

11. I hate your shoes. It's yellow, for God's sakes. Ew.

12. I hate it when you wanted to spend a lot of money when it's time for you to save.

13. I hate your credit cards sooo fucking much!

14. I hate it that I still can't forget Farah when I look at you, cos I know she was your best (as you told me).

15. I hate you, because you love to make me do things I don't like. Allll the time. Remember the satay scene?

16. I hate your temper. You're always get angry even over little mistakes I make.

17. I hate your exaggerated words when you talk. Be humble-lah.

18. I hate it that you are far from The Almighty. I know I'm not a good servant, but hey, you're a man. You should know more than I do.

19. I don't like the way you smoke. Looks sissy. Haha!

20. I hate it when you use violence on me. Come on, I'm only half your size!

21. I hate it when you sweet-talk me. Like I don't know men!

22. I hate it when you never called after we fight and then act as if nothing happened later. Hate it.

What else? Hm. I can't figure out yet. But I will add them sooner or later. But those flaws, those things that I hate can't match your advantages and little things that I like about you. Let me tell you what I like about you.

1. I actually like your curly hair. You'll look super sexy with out-of-bed hairdo.

2. I like your fingers. They're weird. Don't ask me why I like them.

3. I like your nose, because when you kiss me, it's stuck on my cheek. And it's sharp. Hihi.

4. I like you feet. I don't even know why. Maybe because of your long toes.

5. I love it when you come and hug me tenderly. It makes me feel safe.

6. I like it when you always look after me, protect me.

7. After some of our fights, when you give in, you made me feel like a princess. You really made me feel happy.

8. I like it when you always give your hand so I can hold them. Shows that you really care about me.

9. Though not much, I love your attention and patience for me. You look so mature with them.

10. I just love the way you love me. Minus the temper and violence.

I guess that'd be all. I apologise in advance if you feel offended reading this. But this is just how i feel. And you know I'm not that good at lying. All I'm saying is no matter how flawed, how bad, how mean you are or anybody, when I love, I don't just love the good things about you. I take everything you have to offer. And I choose to look only on your good side because them bad things about you are not important as long as I know I love you. Or anybody. For me, that is unconditional love. No requirements. No qualifications. Just love.

I dengan You

2010-09-29T03:36:00.000+08:00

I tak nak menangis lagi sebab lelaki..
I cannot deal with your temper.
Maybe, cara you cintakan someone tak sama dengan cara I..
I rasa kita terlalu berbeza--

I tak boleh tahan dengan perangai you, yang selalu lukakan hati I..
It seems like you never care about how I feel..
I tried to talk n communicate with you, but somehow most of them end up in vain..

I tak tau, maybe ini dugaan Allah untuk kita sebelum berumahtangga.. Tapi at the same time, with your attitude and treatment towards me, I mula rasa tak selesa, when I have too much doubts in me about you and how are you going to be after we get married.

Will you stay the same - loving me tenderly and never fail to make me laugh? Will you not look at other woman and make them your wedded? Will you wipe my tears whenever I'm in sorrow and in need of your presence to calm me down in your arms? Will you be honest to me no matter how bad and hurtful a matter can be? Will you stay ahead as the family leader and guide our family to the right path?

I tak tahu, I tak yakin, I serba salah.. Kepala I kusut, bercelaru fikirkan tentang ni. Perkara yang paling I mintak supaya tak akan terjadi is that you berhenti menyayangi I and me too, stop loving you. Everytime I look at you when you are asleep, I sedar yang every inch of me is filled with love for you. I tak tahu you, tapi I harap the situation is the same.

I spend half of my night thinking about you - what you do, what you think, where you are, are you awake or asleep... and all sorts of worries come into my mind whenever you play M.I.A with me. For crying out loud, I hate it. Please stop doing it.

I tak nak kecewa lagi, I tak nak sedih tiap2 malam lagi.. I harap you faham keadaan I, for I have had enough of loving and losing, and the hardest part is that I have to go through the trails of memories and that they remind me of yet another failure.

I leave all to the Almighty.
As for you, you are well aware of the things that I want from you - honesty and your heart. No more.

Bad One

2010-09-22T12:04:00.000+08:00

I called you yesterday, almost a hundred times and you never picked up. When I got home, you were lying there doing nothing and your phone was just next to you! Can you imagine how I feel? Then rupa2nya you were mad at me for not taking off the waterpipe that the people from water department completely shut down out water supply. You sangat marah that you tak nak pandang muka I pun..

When It's All About ...

2010-09-20T05:03:00.000+08:00

Tak boleh kalau tak burukkan dia..

Wtf?? Awak nak bela lagi dia? Tak boleh blah! Awak pun tahu, dah memang perangai dia buruk, cerita2 buruk je la yang awak dengar pasal dia! Awak nak bela dia sangat, sayang dia sangat, awak pergilah kat dia! Pergilah tatang dia! Saya dah naik muak dengan perangai awak yang selalu nak membela dia. Saya bukannya tipu awak, reka cerita pasal dia sebab nak buat awak bencikan dia, saya cuma bagitau awak apa yang saya dengar, saya bagitau awak apa yang betul. Salah ke saya cakap benda yang betul? Seriously, saya tak ada niat apa pun!

Saya rasa apa yang saya dengar dengan apa yang awak dengar lebih kurang je, tentang dia, apa yang dia buat, macam mana perangai dia, life dia macam mana. Come on lah, dia kawan baik saya kot dulu! Segala rahsia dia semua saya tau lah! All her little black secrets! Awak tu yang buta! Sebab tu awak macam tak dapat nak terima, walaupun segala apa yang awak dengar tu benda yang betul! Saya rasa awak sendiri pun tau macam mana perangai dia.

Tapi, the point is here, saya bagitau awak the truth! Saya tak reka cerita! Kalau awak tak boleh terima, then just go back and bear with her! Biar awak sendiri rasa! Saya malas nak kisah! Saya dah bagi awak segala yang saya mampu bagi kat awak, takkan itu tak cukup untuk awak? Masih lagi nak simpan dia, kononnya kenangan lah, apa lah. Awak ingat dia ada fikir nak simpan semua kenangan masa dia dengan awak? I don't think so! Dia sibuk dengan boyfriend baru dia, awak sibuk nak simpan kenangan awak masa awak dengan dia. Kenangan, my foot!!

Permintaan saya sikit je awak, itupun awak cakap saya melampau, selfish! Apa ni? Saya kecik hati tak habis2 bila saya tengok gambar masa zaman2 awak happy dengan dia yang awak simpan sampai sekarang, awak tak ada amik peduli pun! Saya tak suka! Kalau ya pun awak nak simpan, simpan la kat tempat lain, tak payah la letak depan mata saya. Awak sendiri tau hati saya macam mana..

Hollow

2010-07-20T12:50:00.000+08:00

When we talked last night, I got a feeling that you will never love me like you loved her. Don't even start with me asking for you to love me more than you loved her. When you tripped over this issue, I somehow feel that she'll always be there, over me. What the hell?

I guess I'm being too gentle with you, that somehow, I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

In case you don't know about it, yes, I went through your status threads, your photo albums in your facebook account, and I've seen those pictures of her on the PC as well as your phone. You still call her baby in your contact! (forgive me, but I am very detail). And it breaks my heart knowing that you still keep her in you. I understand, it's not easy for you to let her go. But if so, what am I doing here? Shouldn't you be forgetting her first then be with me, rather than be with me while forgetting her? That's not fair! When I had you before, I let them go. All my previous partners, I buried them! But you, I don't know, something inside tells me that you still think of her, all about her. No matter what you tell me, I know. I just know.

You don't have to justify the situation and give me reasons why you would never take her back. You can give me millions of reasons, but deep inside, I know you're missing her. How much? That I don't know. I can just hope that you don't do that while you're with me. Gee, if only I can break this curse, I don't have to live like this! Living in guilt and knowing it's eating me day by day.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm the one who isn't over the issue. But tell me, how the hell am I supposed to get over it when I can find her at everywhere? Online, in your phone, even in our room! She is everywhere in our life, in my life! With you! Now, can you imagine just how I feel every time I bump into her stuff? I'm crashed! My heart sinks, my mood spoiled, and the feelings just fly away! And I will have to pretend that I'm OK when you're home, while I actually am hurting inside!

Can you even imagine how I feel when yesterday, I found her stuff in our room? And when it never fails to break me when My baby Muk is still in your phone? She'll always be your baby! Me? A company only, for you, perhaps. (I don't mean to be harsh, but this is just what I feel!) Because I know I will never be one. Do you deeply love me? Seriously, I can't tell. Do you?

I know, what I'm asking from you is a little too much. Just putting our names together on Facebook is huge, I understand. And all the things you do to prove how much you love me - how you treat me and so on, I can feel that you love me. But something is missing here, I don't know what. I've been searching for the hole, but I can't seem to find it. Though I do love you, but somehow, at the same time, I feel so hollow. So empty. And it's killing me! I don't want to lie, I don't want to hurt you. But this glitch is eating me little by little. And I don't know how to get over it.

Perhaps you're right, I'm the one who hasn't gotten over the past. Why? Because of the fact that I got together with my best friend's ex! That's why! Nobody would ever do that! And if I haven't get over the past, and her, what am I supposed to do? I don't know, what should I do? I tried before, and when i almost succeeded, comes her picture that reminds me how happy you were with her and I ruined all of it! Every finger points at me! I can ignore the thoughts, but until when? Sooner or later I will have to face my demons, get it all done and make it clear! I don't want to live in shadows of guilt for the rest of my life, I want a true peace of mind. And I'm struggling to have one!

Yes, I know you feel that I'm asking too much from you, but who else can I turn to, in this issue, if not you? There was a time when I can't stop thinking of her every time I look at you, and how I wanted for both of you to get together again. But I realise that it will never happen. Why do I want you to be with her again? Because I know you guys love each other! I'm just the third party. I can't believe I'll fall into this trouble when this is what I avoided all my life before I met her and you guys. At some point, I feel like I want to make everything right, although I know it's too late for that. And I can't arrange someone else's life. I know that.

But I still feel guilty!

I think the day you have only me in you and the very day you really forget her is the day I'm waiting for. That day, I guess I'll be satisfied having you by my side. Till then, there is a hole, and it will remain there.

And by the way, I do, love you.

WTF??

2010-06-30T04:05:00.003+08:00

Can I name our daughter after Farah? That question stunned me. Aku terkedu. Kenapa? Kenapa mesti ada jugak Farah? Aku ingat dia dah betul2 get over her. Tapi soalan dia buat aku rasa yang dia tak akan lupakan ex dia. Bila dia kata macam tu, aku terfikir yang aku takkan dapat tempat dalam hati dia and I was like, excuse me! Don't I deserve a little dignity here? A little respect please! Bersusah payah aku tatang dia, Farah jugak yang dia nak. I think I have every right to be selfish here!

Nak sangat kat Farah? Ha, pergilah! Ada aku kesah?? Fuck it!

Banyak lagi lelaki kat luar sana yang boleh jaga aku lebih baik dari dia. Silaplah kalau dia fikir aku dia boleh buat sesuka hati macam dulu. Aku bukan barang mainan yang dia boleh simpan buang. Bila teringat, ambik. Bila tak nak, lempar jauh2. Ingat aku tak ada harga diri ke?

Bencilah!

Weaving A Tangled Web

2010-06-21T01:16:00.005+08:00

It ended on Mar 8th, and I kept it in my head that I wanted to be alone after that.

And now, I'm not sure whether it's certain or not, we're back together. He starts treating me nice, calling me the name he used to call me with (I think he knows I always love that name. hihi), and he seems to care about me. I know, he does that because he's lonely after she refused him and that I'm around. And I was there when he needs somebody. He starts talking about future again, caress me again, being sweet to me again, and making me feel what I felt 4 months ago (argh!).

But I can't possibly feel the same. Nah, I don't think so.

I'm torn between two; staying or leaving. The past haunts me (every day), and I'm afraid. I don't want it to be the same, it only lasted for a while and the rest is fucked up. I can't really tell whether he does really love me or I'm just a shoulder to cry on, and when the sorrow is over, he stands up to find another woman And I'll beat the crap outta him!). I can't risk my heart to be broken again when he had already broken it so badly before. The reason I stayed and mend him while he's hurt is that I do really care about him (yes, I know he wasn't nice to me before). Though we weren't together, and I didn't plan to get back together, I'll help him to get what he needs and get him back onto his feet.Call me dumb, but that's just what I'll do if he needs it. Even if I know that the chances for me to have his heart wholly is very thin.
But if he says he wants to get back together with me, he better prove himself to me. Don't make me feel like he loves me when he genuinely doesn't (then I will seriously look like a dumb ass).

Why?

Because I've had enough of his lies. He lied to me before (and I didn't like it). In fact, I hated it. Because what I had for him was genuine and honest, but he tore it apart.

What am I doing? Staying with him and making him happy when I don't understand how I feel myself? Am I taking chances? Do I really want to take this risk? Honestly, no. But I can't help it. When I look at him, I just couldn't help it. And yes, the old flame is still there, though not fiery as before, I guess it's enough. He needs someone to soothe him, and though I'm not the one, I try my best to lift him up to the way he was. I don't know, but when I said I don't feel the same to him,I think I hurt him. Or maybe he doesn't give a damn about it. But as for me, I know I'm giving him a second chance. But I don't give him all of me because I know I'm not the one he wants in his heart in the first place.That insecurity still lingers. I don't really know why, perhaps because I'm not pretty enough for him, as she is pretty. And that I'm just another ordinary girl, nothing next to stylish and confident her. She dresses well, always with a pair of nice clothes on her. She carries herself well, and always a centre of attraction. Me? I'm just a plain Jane.

I don't know. Perhaps.

I know he longs for her. If ever he gets her, I will never be in his mind. Assumption? I guess I know so ( I do! she will always be the one!). And his behavior of trying out every chick he can lay his eyes on and getting them (yes, you do Darling). That two things stop me. Every time I look at him, she comes into my head, and how he betrayed he for me and then made me feel like a schmuck for getting back to her after only three months! Three months! I guess that thought has planted in my brain - that I can never be the one. In case she wants him back, it's a definite certainty he'll be with her. Definitely! I'm just a second choice. In a cruel phrase, a back-up. A Plan-B. A whatever-you-wanna-call-it as long as it's number two.

Because whatever that he's told me before and how cruel he was to me, I still keep it in my mind (yes, I forgive, but I don't forget). How he treated me wrong and so forth. I'm not holding grudge, but I'm just being cautious. It's not easy to take him back when I'm scared of the possibility he will get back to his Playboy style when he's done grieving for losing her. And there might be texts i don't like to read when I found out, and another girl calling me telling stories I don't want to hear. And me? What's left for me? Nothing. Just crying and living my life in disappointment and agony. That's how the story ends.

What's more in the picture? The matter of trust. How can I ever trust him again when he had betrayed me before? Whatever that's around are pieces of it (and I don't want to betrayed twice!). No solid trust for him. All the things that I did to him before, those things that did to prove to him of how much I loved him and how much I cared for him, and how much I wanted to make him happy. But he unfortunately, didn't see that. Unless he can prove to me that he can be faithful, I can't stay with him. Even if I can, it won't be long.

And then comes issue of religion. Me, I want to be a good Muslim, and fulfill my responsibilities as one (poyo je). Though not now, perhaps later on when I have already got a strong ground and knowledge. But him? I don't know. Doesn't he want to be a good Muslim? Later on, I want to get married to someone I love, someone who can guide me to the straight path and together with my spouse, I really want to lead a life with God on the line. Though now I can't call myself a real Muslim, I want to be one. And if God wills it, I want him to be one too, so that if we get together, we'll enjoy living under God's bliss. How great will it be if both of us can live lives according to our religion. But when it comes to this matter, he always disappoints me.

Just like the things I told him on our break-up night, I don't ask for anything. I just want his heart and that he can be transparent-honest to me. I don't like secrets and bad surprises. The rest, we work it out together.

<3 If you ever read this, that's just how I feel. I'm sorry if you feel offended but I don't have the strength to spill all this to you directly.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

The day comes again, Father's Day. Everyone's feeling it. Everybody's celebraring the day with their fathers and make the day blissful.

Except me.

When I look at my Facebook homepage and seeing all the wishes activities going on, suddenly I feel so alone. So very alone as if I don't have anybody around. As if I'm in the dark. And at this moment, I just wish that there is someone beside me who I can call Father and I could look into his eyes, hold his hands tight and say; Happy Father's Day, Baba.

Paraíso

2010-05-01T13:54:00.002+08:00

Perhentian Island. What a paradise.

It all started when Fae called me after his holidays in Perhentian last week. Listening to his experience there made me want to go there - enthusisatically! So I called a friend and ask him whether him and another friend are free to come with me to Perhentian and only one of them can make it. So the journey began from Terminal Putra at 10am on Monday morning, all the way to Kuala Terengganu. Bus riding that lasted for 7 hours! Then I took another bus from there to Kuala Besut jetty for a speed boat ride to the island. Too bad, I was late. Had to spend a night at the jetty. Damn cold!

Met a friend who lives in Setiu and hung out until approx. 4am in the morn, and we talked about things and shared music from our devices. And we were halted by a roadblock where the police officer thought my friends were smuggling me from Thai! I didn't bring my ID along, and he thought I was I Siamese gal! Haha!

The next morning, we (my friend and I) took a speed boat at 9am and boy, was it heaven to catch a sight of the picturesque island. A sigh of relief and satisfaction enveloped both me and my friend. I'v never been to an island as beautiful as this. Tioman? Yes, Tioman wasa beautiful. But this is even better! We sat on the beach, enjoying the beauty of God's creation. Masya-Allah! So beautiful!

Unfortunately, we spent only one night at the beach - Pasir Panjang a.k.a Long Beach. Felt so bad I had to leave the beautiful beach and the blue transparent water and head back to KL. As if I want to stay there and be a beach girl! Haha.

We took a bus from Kuala Besut jetty at 9am the next day and arrive KL at 6pm. Off to work at 8pm! Later at night, I was totally flat. But Perhentian, wait for me, I will coming again soon!

Lone Ranger

2010-05-01T13:51:00.000+08:00

Been a month now. And I'm enjoying every second of single life. Though sometimes I feel the loneliness of not having someone who I can share everything, not having one sometimes makes it better. I don't have to cling on someone and talk about everything. I just learn to keep it to myself and solve my own problems myself.

The tests of being single? Loads. Good guys, bad guys, ugly, cute, good looking, young, old; are trying their luck with me. Now that they know I'm not attached to anybody. I get to float quite a number of times. Hehe. I watch every single one of them trying to get my attention - directly, subtly, obviously and some in a very sweet manner. And me watching and enjoying the liberty of being single.

There's this guy, he admits he falls for me after 3 meetings! Unimaginable? For me too, but that's what happened. Katanya, he wants to grow old with me. Then he said he's not trying out to get me, but he likes me. He wants to be my friend forever, and that he started loving me even after a short period of time. He wants to make me happy lah, apa lah. I was like, what the hell? It's only been three days, man! Come on, Things don't happen just like that! You need to be sure of what you're doing. Bukan main langgar je sesuka hati. It might backfires on you.

Me? I can't take him. Why? One; his thinking doesn't fit mine. Two; he's totally not my type. Three; I'm not looking for another trouble now, lest I get together with him - then I change my mind, we botoh will end up being alone and hurt. I don't want to be hurt again, and I surelyl don't want to hurt another person. So I chose to stick to being friends, which makes me in an uncomfortable zone when I see him trying his best to get my attention and shower mem with his.

Too bad, I'm not really into relationships now. Hope he understands.

Living

2010-05-01T13:17:00.000+08:00

Dah lama tak menulis. Life, macam2 yang jadi kat aku. From the best to the worst, I've got to face it. The best is that I finally get some gumption to realize that men are jerks. Though not all of them are, most of them do suck. From the intelligent ones to those uneducated and narrow-minded. I know that the way people think and speak sometimes annoy me. Especially those who don't think and assume a lot.

Sigh.

After the break-up, I get stories about me being a bad person and simply a bitch. Where did it come from? My ex-partner. Otak aku tak dapat hadam perangai orang yang bawak mulut and tell stories (which are not true) after a break-up in order to attain others' attention and sympathy. Kononnya they are the victims. WTF? When you're done with someone, just let them go, why the hell would you keep them hanging around you for the sake of you want them to wait for you in case you can't make it with another party? It's like you are using them for your own good and their loss.

Aku tak faham. Seriously, aku tak faham. And when I got back to a used-to-be friend and apologize, not that she forgives me, she even threaten to beat me up because she thinks I stole her ex, or I made him her for me, so to speak. She had him again, then what is the purpose for her to hold grudge? In my view, she should be thankful to me that I helped her to break away from all the sorrow and pain she had when she was with him.

But she didn't see that. What a pity.

I wish she'd realise that her Love is nothing but a pathetic person.

Untuk Kamu

2010-03-17T06:06:00.001+08:00

Kamu.
Satu ketika tak pernah ingin
Bukan di damba sang hati
Tak tumpah kasih secangkir;
Bukan kamu.

Tapi cerita singkat berlalu
Dari jauh menyapa syahdu
Minggir tepi aku tak mau
Bimbang ada jiwa disembilu

Pejam mata erat
Agar bisa hati melihat
Bukan rupa jadi pengikat
Dasar kalbu yang memikat

Belum sempa tmenerpa angkasa
Kilat hujung belati menjerumus
Bagai pedang menghiris halus
Menghancur luluh itu kamu.

Left, Abandoned, and All the Things Related.

2010-03-10T02:03:00.000+08:00

Last night,
You held me tight and you said you really love me. You said you're going to be sleeping alone in our room and you find the room creepy without me. You said you're going to miss me, my hugs, my scent, my presence. You said you can't give our relation another try because you still have your old flame in your heart that you can't seem to forget. You said I was pushy, I nag at you, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm egoistic. You said, although you do love me, you still want to withdraw from giving us another try to work on this relation.

When I asked you, am I not good enough for you, am I not better than her? You said I am way better than her. But when I asked why do you still want to leave, you said you can't go on with me anymore. When I asked you, why did you think I agreed to be with you? You came before me and held my hands, weave them together with yours, looked at my face and wondered. You did ask why - and I said, I want to make you happy. You were too busy making other people happy that you forget your own happiness. I was around just to make you happy as others don't. You looked at me, with surprised look and you kissed my hand saying thank you for the things that I did.

When I told you about her, what she did to you and what I did to you, I think I know that you know I did better. You know, she was not a good partner for you. But still, you want to return to her. For whatever reason, I don't know.

When I asked you, what did I demand from you? Do I ask for your money? You said no. Then you asked me, what do I want from you? Simple, I just wanted you to be honest with me. But you can't do that.

Last night, it was 8th, our third month anniversary. But on our third month anniversary, you end it and put the deepest hole in my heart. You said you feel like we've been together for so long when it was just three months. I wanted to bring you to the bridge where we shared our first kiss, but on that day you made me feel like a cheap whore.

You said, what you did that day and all the mean things you did to me - you didn't really mean those. You did that because you want to make me hate you. I looked at you, and I said; I never hated any of my exes. And that goes to you too. You just looked at me, speechless. I can never hate you. I know that. I can just put aside my feelings towards you until it eventually fade away. No matter what you do, I'm never going to hate you, in any way.

When we had had our last hand shake and you kissed me, the spark was still there, and I told you, every time you hold me in your arms, I always had that same spark - every single time. We kissed, and I know how much you long to be in my arms. But your ego wins over everything. I cried, even I know it makes me look weak. I want you to know that you are the only person I have in my heart. I told you, I took the risks of losing you when we were an item. I was well aware of the risks but boy, did I ignore it. I tried everything I could to make you happy, to make our relation work. I told you, I've had enough of relationships.

I wanted you to be the last, I don't want any other relationship anymore. I'm sick of trying and trying to work on fresh relationships. I just want to end up with you. I give every effort to please you, to make you comfortable, to ensure that you are happy being with me, but along the tears that are running down my cheeks I said to you; I still lost you. No matter how I tried, I strive, I still lose you. Upon hearing that, you pulled me close to your chest and tried to soothe me. I felt loved, but I know it's empty. Because I know, you were just trying to soothe me and there's nothing more.

You once said, I have my own card that you named me after. And you said no star can shine with a broken heart. You said too, that no matter how mean and bad I was, I still tickle your heart and make you laugh.

I said, if there is still love in us, why can't we give it another try? When I said I'm willing to do anything, I meant it. I will do anything to save this relation from falling apart. Then you said you need some space to think about it over. I told you I can understand that but last night, I can't let you go. I want to be with you, even in the car and it was dawning. I wanted to spend every second I have just to be with you, in your arms and make you smile.

But I realize now, that you are just a phase in my life. You are just another bus that I missed on my journey to happiness.

Harapan Hati

2010-03-09T04:41:00.000+08:00

Nyata waras akal tidak dapat tembus
Tebalnya dinding emosi
Biar hati luka, biar jiwa lara
Asal saja dapat kulihat didepan mata
Dapat ku rasa dalam hati
Dapat ku gapai dengan kedua tangan
Kan ku dakap rapat terus ke dada, hati, jiwa & raga
Hanya kata maaf yang mampu diberi
Namun tidak berani ku menabur janji
Kerna diri tidak begitu pasti; akan ketentuan
Mampukah diri jika berjanji?
Namun diri tahu sesungguhnya akan dibukti
Akan diberi padamu segala apa
Ada dalam diri dalam hati;
Setiap titis merahnya darah
Moga dapat kau mengerti
Harga cinta, kasih dan harga diri
Tak mampu ternilaikan wang ringgit
Bila segala apa di dunia tanpa erti kecuali kamu
Beri segala apa jua yg diingin
Disalut - biar bukan emas, bukan berlian
Tapi erti cinta
Ku persembahkan sebenar-benarnya
Tulus sekeping hati menyayangi
Menghargai setiap episod dan memori; setiap inci diri kamu

Maafkan aku.

If You Love Someone Dearly

2010-02-27T02:27:00.001+08:00

Tell me..
If you love someone,
would you lie to them?
If you treasure someone,
would you dare to hurt them?

If you love someone,
would you keep secrets from them?
If you appreciate someone,
would you make them cry?

If you love someone,
would you betray them?
If you care about someone,
would you keep them away from yourself?

If you love someone,
would you run from them?
If you love someone,
would you break them?

If you love someone,
why won't you be faithful?
If you love someone,
why would cheat on them?

If you love someone,
why can't you leave all the pleasures that lure you into infidelity?

If you love someone...

Trust Issue Lagi..

2010-02-22T11:39:00.001+08:00

I don't trust him. Aku tak tau kenapa, macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, tapi aku susah nak percaya kata2 dia. Buat la apa pun, aku tetap dah tak boleh nak percaya dia. Buat2 percaya je. To think about this, what's the point of staying with him if I don't even trust him? Haha. Soalan cepumas. Aku tengok dia, aku jadi tak sampai hati. Seriously tak sampai hati. Yes, aku tau aku sayang dia. Memang aku sayang dia. Tapi untuk letakkan 100% trust kat dia, no. Never. Aku takkan ulangi silap yang aku buat dulu. Percaya punya percaya, hidup2 aku kena tipu. Memang terbaik lah.

Bila aku tengok dia, aku tau, there's a lot of things that he keeps to himself. All the pain, offences, sacrifices that he actually doesn't have to do to others, aku nampak semua tu. He tries to fulfill everyone's wish and needs, tak kira macam mana pun dia tetap akan cuba penuhi kalo ada orang/kawan yang mintak tolong dia. Itu salah satu persamaan aku dengan dia. (dia yang notice dulu, aku setuju je) Aku tak nak dia bersusah sangat untuk orang lain, bila orang tak appreciate jasa dia. Aku nak tatang dia, nak jaga, treat him right, make him feel comfortable when he's with me. And that aku nak dia sayang aku for who I am. Bukan sebab duit ke, rupa ke apa ke - kalo sebab rupa, tua nanti huduh jugak aku nanti. Dah huduh, dia nak pergi cari yang muda2 pulak? Macam tu? Aih..

Kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, dari segi apa pun, ciri dia memang tak kena dengan aku. Memang totally bukan taste aku. Aku pun reti pilih rupa jugak, bukan main cekup je sapa2 pun. Tak lawa anak2 aku nanti. Haha. Let's see, slanted eyes, bukan taste aku. Aku minat mata bundar/deep eyes. Badan besar, bukan taste aku. Aku suka yang sedang2 je. Kalo muscular tu kira bonus lah. Hihi. Tinggi gila untuk aku, jenuh aku nak sesuaikan diri dengan dia. Tinggi sangat! Aku 160cm. Cari yang dalam 175cm ke, OK lah. Lepas tu, rambut panjang. Memang la aku tak minat, biar rambut tu pendek, nampak kemas. Aku suka+selesa. Dah tu, temper tak ingat. Aku ni lembut, so aku kalo boleh tak nak la lelaki yang jenis kasar/panas baran. Aku cari stok2 yang gentle, tak kasar, suara tak macam petir kat langit nu.

Lagi satu, kalo nak diikutkan hati aku, memang la aku tak ber-partner dengan dia. Sebab? Dia tu ex kawan aku! Mana la aku boleh nak sapu bekas kawan aku (even aku dah buat pun). Rasa bersalah sampai bila2 kot. Dari mula lagi, aku memang tak nak dia. Not him, I wanted the other guy. He fits my type. Mostly. I didn't like him, I wanted to stay away from him. I didn't want to be a backstabber. But he kept chasing over me. Willing to do anything, buy me anything, drive me everywhere. He showed effort. And I'm touched.

Seriously if people ask me how did I end up with him? I'll just tell them it's fate. Ya, fate. I didn't want him in the first place. He craved for me. He always found ways to see me, to hang out with me etc. And when the relationship became so tensed, I gave in; gambled - thinking that this man could be the one for me. This man could give me everything I need. Gila macam mana aku justify perasaan aku, aku manipulate hati aku untuk terima dia and forget the other guy. Guilt is everywhere at first - felt like I'm lying to him about my feelings when I told him I'm falling for him but actually I haven't. I still had feelings for the other guy. Payah sungguh!

I justified everything, manipulated every single teeny weeny feelings so that I can actually really see him as who he is - the Love, attention, affection. How he chased me, how I tried running away, how he seemed so enthusiastic in making me his girl - take a good care of me, tried to give me everything I need, felt like I was a princess then. But, yeah, eventually I melted. After trying hard manipulating myself into loving him, I do now, Love him.

But there's a problem.

I don't trust him! No matter what he does, I can't put total trust on him anymore. He'll have to really prove himself to me, what he's worth of. After what he did to me - all those lies and so on, he'll need to prove that he's the Man! Or else, what will be? Guess we'll just part ways..

Trust..

2010-02-20T05:27:00.000+08:00

Baru2 ni aku encountered lie from someone dear. He keeps secrets from me - perhaps sebab dia tak nak lukakan hati aku, or perhaps he simply doesn't want to tell me. Dia keluar, bawak balik ada la sorang minah ni and aku tak tau, and when I get to know about this aku call minah tu suruh dia jangan kacau2 partner aku lagi. Puas tu memang la puas hati, tapi ada lagi satu masalah when it comes to him: I can't trust him anymore, tak boleh. Dia pun sama. Dulu aku boleh pegang phone dia, sekarang dah tukar keypad password - maknanya dia tak percaya aku not checking out his phone data.

While aku, dah pernah kena sekali macam ni where my ex suddenly changed his keypad password, aku lagilah tambah susah nak percaya dia. Aku fikir dan fikir; patut tak aku stay dalam relationship ni lagi or just blah. He's almost perfect (at least to me).. Memang dia bagi aku everything yang aku nak+perlu. Love, affection, ~~less~~ attention, boleh kata semua.. Tapi bila aku fikir rekod dia dengan bekas2 partner dia, aku jadi takut sangat nak letak seluruh kepercayaan kat dia. Aku sendiri tak tau kenapa. Maybe sebab dia dah tipu aku, even baru 2 bulan aku ber-partner dengan dia. Tapi kalau nak fikir positif pulak, dia bagi everything kat aku.. except - honesty. Pure honesty. Macam apa yang aku bagi kat dia. Tak pernah sekali pun aku tipu dia, nak pergi mana pun aku bagitau - sebelum atau selepas aktiviti aku yang dia tak ada terlibat.

Aku selalu fikir - why do people lie to their loved ones? kenapa? kalau nak jaga hati, bila eventually orang tu dapat tau jugak, won't things just get worse? Why can't you just tell the truth? It's not really a hard thing to do. People will feel better if you yourself tell the truth rather than dapat tau dari sumber lain.. Lagi hurt. Sakit wo.. Hati manusia bukan mainan, boleh sesuka hati je nak buat macam mana pun. Nak, ambik. Tak nak, tolak tepi. Apa erti ber-partner kalo tak boleh nak jujur+sincere? Ingat kapel2 ni main2 ke? Kalo niat kat hati tu nak main2, jangan gatal nak berkapel la. Skandal sudahh.. Takpun come clear that you don't want to be attached. Takdelah lukakan perasaan orang.

Bila dah declare partner, tu bukan makna nak commit ke? Kenapa ramai orang susah nak nampak yang hubungan bukan mainan? Hubungan bukan something that you can treat as pitstops. Relationships are serious, even as friends. Apatah lagi kalo ber-couple. Dah nama pun kekasih, tak kasih ke kat partner, sampai boleh tipu2? Kenapa kalau just nak berkawan tipu2? Just tell the truth la, if you want to be friends with anybody. Nobody would mind that. Everybody has friends (unless the partner is a jealous freak who wants to keep you under her blouse). There's nothing wrong about having friends, as long as you tell the truth. Tak ada sapa nak marah.

I've seen so many relationships that have lies in them, keeping secrets from partners, fiancees, spouses.. Kenapa mau tipu ha? Aku tak boleh hadam part ni. Otak aku jammed bila orang kata tipu sikit2 je, nak jaga hati.. White lies. You tell white lies during crucial moments that you know the truth will make your partner shrink with pain. You don't just sipmly tell white lies. Everybody knows that one lie leads to another and you'd have to create a whole new story to cover the truth. Kalau tak pandai buat cerita, tak lama kantoi lah.. Daripada kantoi, kan ke lebih baik kalo tak tipu dari awal2 lagi? Hidup senang, hati lapang, kepala pun tak pening nak jawab soalan2 untuk fix loose ends..

Aku tau, aku pun pernah menipu. Aku tipu and aku dah rasa macam mana keadaan bila kantoi. Kantoi bukan sikit2, kantoi best gila dengan mak aku. So, aku dah tak nak tipu sangat2 dah.. Tengok keadaan, bila rasa tipu takkan kantoi baru aku berani menipu. If not, just tell the truth. Simple. Bila rasa the truth boleh bagi kesan tak baik kat aku+life+family+future aku,baru aku menipu - in terms of tak jawab soalan2 cepumas yang orang2 tanya kat aku. Malulah kalo orang tau aku punya little black secret. Tapi itu aku tipu outsiders, bukan kat orang yang dekat dengan hati aku.

Thinking that a partner is not capable of telling the truth buat aku fikir, macam mana aku nak teruskan hidup - spend the rest of my life dengan the other half bila dia tak mau share dengan aku what he does everyday, who he meets, what happens etc. Susah untuk aku hidup dengan orang yang kuat berahsia, sebab aku bukan jenis macam tu. Whatever you feel, just feel free to express it. Happy, sad, frustrated, down - bukan time marah je baru nak express feeling. That's not fair, and the relationship will be nothing but a dull one. No laughs, no tears, no persuasion.. no nothing. Empty. Bila marah baru nampak ada sikit colours dalam relation. Takkanlah hari2 pun mau marah je.. haru biru relation kalo camtu.

Lies. Kenapa mesti tipu? Kenapa mesti simpan something tak bagi partner tau? Bila simpan2 rahsia kat diri sendiri - then you burst and the partner gets to know everything in a not so appropriate way. Dapat tau owh, dia tak suka aku macam ni, macam tu.. Takkan nak tunggu sampai macam tu sekali? That is not right. Talk, and when you talk, don't just talk bullshit - talk about good things, bad things, dissatisfaction, tell your partner what you want from them, and don't forget to ask what do they want from you. Relationships are supposed to be mutual - gives and takes, tolerance, trust, understanding each other. Kalo tak balance, kan namanya relation tu tak healthy? Serupa jugak dengan kawan2, mutualism. Imagine simple thing - drive kereta; kalo tak tekan minyak, kereta tak jalan, bila kereta tak jalan, kita tak sampai kat tempat yang kita nak pergi.. Sama jugak macam relationships. You need something and at the same time you need to give something as well.

Orang selalu kata, kalo you tak trust yor partner, might as well blah je. Tapi dalam kes aku, even aku tak percaya langsung kat dia, aku sibuk justify. Tell myself that it's just me being prepared if in case he cheats on me in the future. Tapi sampai bila aku nak macam ni? Sampai bila aku nak live in shadows? Aku sedar yang bila aku rasa unable to trust him when it comes to other women, aku taku sebenarnya. Aku taku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang lagi sebab perempuan lain. Otak aku memang boleh hadam kalo aku bukan jodoh dia, tapi aku rasa kalo lah jadi lagi dia curang dengan perempuan lain, maknanya 3x aku kena tipu, kena main, bf aku kena rampas or that he himself who wants to do that behind me, get entertainment from another woman. If that happens again, aku rasa aku tak terima lelaki dalam hidup aku dah kot (unless jodoh aku sampai). Takut, seriously takut.

Bila truth is replaced by lies, and when it all comes out - trust is not in the couple portrait anymore. The relationship will be shadowed by insecurity, suspicion, control etc. Sangatlah susah when you betray someone and they stick with you - there's no way you can earn their trust in say, a few days? No. You'll have to prove yourself. Show them that you can actually be trusted and that you won't ever lie again in the future. And, in order to do that, you'll need to answer each question honestly, report what you do to them, spend more quality time with them, show them you love+appreciate them. If you're lucky and you love that someone whom you never want to let go, they'll take you back. If not, you'll just prove yourself to another partner of yours.

Relationships are not simple. They require efforts, and those efforts we all make as partners will determine how the relationship will be - good, bad, serious, fun, loving, tensed, or just plain bland. Threats (of being dishonest, infidel) from the people around are just tests, to see for yourself whether or not you are a faithful partner. It's up to you to give in or wipe them off your shirt. If you treasure your relationship with your partner, avoid hurting her by telling lies (which she will find out sooner or later).

I read something from a book that says;

A liar isn't always a cheater, but a cheater is always a liar.

:cheers:

A Conversation, A Warning, Whatever You Wanna Call It.

2010-02-10T12:18:00.006+08:00

There's this girl who has been bugging my Darl (I think it was her, not him) and doesn't seem to want to step back, even she knows he's attached. So I called her, tell her how she has to stay away from my boyfriend and leave him alone. Then I texted her further asking her to back down. Here goes..

Me:: Lia, I call U tadi. I'm his girlfriend, he's not with Farah anymore. I hope U faham kenapa I call U tadi, and I hope U tak besarkan hal ni kat office. I did that because I don't want just friends become another story. I really hope U faham pasal ni and keep this between us. I just don't want to lose him. Please..

Her:: Who are U actually? I'm not interested in making enemy. About Nazim, we're just friends. Don't worry. I'll keep my promise that i'll stay away from him. U take care gurl. Godbless

Me:: I'm his girlfriend. And he's been lying about his activities with U guys. As a woman, I think U could understand. Appreciate your consideration. Good day

Her:: Lying about his activities? What it supposes to mean? I didn't get it. But I don't blame U. Plus, i don't want to involve in this shit. I'm not a desperate bitch..

Me:: I know. But shit happens. I called U because I've talked to him about this, but nothing happened. I'm pretty much in the dark, everyone in S*G thinks he's still with Farah, only a few know he's with me now. And I can't afford to face another infidelity.

Her:: Sorry to say, i don't give a damn. We're just friends. U can have Nazim of yours back K. Please just stop disturbung me. I'm too old to involve in this 'lovey dovey' thing..

Me:: Give a damn or not, I'm just being cautious. U don't know him, and his capabilities. One thing I ask from U, please keep our conversation discreet and be ethical on being a friend. Thanks for understanding.

Her:: Anything U wish gurl. I think we should stop here. Stop calling and texting me. I don't want this shit spoil my good life. Enuf said. Bye.

Me:: Yah. Stop clinging on my boyfriend as well. U have a pleasant day.

Her:: I think U need psychology therapy badly. U outta control. U too have a good day. Take care of your boyfriend. Bye

Me:: Nope. I don't. Just looking after what's mine. U don't even know me. So quit judging. I asked for a simple thing. Leave him alone. Not a tough thing to do right? Cheers

Aannddd she didn't reply.

Why I did this? I'm really not sure why, but what I know is that I have to defend, take care, look after or whatever they wanna call it - of the thing, or the person that I treasure, that I love. I had enough real horror experience about guys cheating on me. And this guy, although I know he's got the word infidel in his love resume, I was keen to give it a try, lest I may change him into a better person. I can just try, give it my real effort, blood and sweat so he could realize how cheating is simply unacceptable under any circumstances in love. Not one.

Nevertheless, all I can do is try and hope he'd change. Pray The Almighty.

Then, the morning after those text replies, she text me again - asking who I really was. I've told her in the previous conversation but she didn't seem to get it. ~~Quite a slow learner I'd say~~. So, here goes..

Her:: What are u trying to talk to me last night? You called me at 4.30am and if you’re not Farah, who are you actually?

Me:: It’s not important who I am, if he tells you he’s with Farah, he is then..

Her:: Huh? I didn’t get what you mean. You know what. I think Farah is better than you. Enuf said. I don’t think I should stop be friends with Nazim coz he’s FRIEND of mine

Me:: Well, if you really want to know, Farah is history. He is now with me. That’s why i’m the one who called instead of Farah.

Her:: So who are you?

Me:: No need to know lah.. When it’s time, we’ll get to know each other.. sooner or later..

Her:: What do you mean sooner or later? Why you wanna meet me? How did you get my number btw?

Me:: I know what a woman should do when she feels threaten. If we get a chance to meet, you’ll get to know me. If not, you just know me as Nazim’s girl..

Her:: Threaten? Make it simple K. You are Nazim’s gurl and I’m just his friend. So?

Me:: Fine lah.. You’re his friend. But I don’t want to hear you guys hangout at nights etc. I’ve had nuff women stealing my boyfriend.

Her:: Stealing your bf? Haha. What a joke. I’m not interested in making commitment. Enuf said

Me:: I’m not saying you are stealing him. Like I said, I’m being cautious. Now that you know his girlfriend minds about you hanging out with him at nights, I suppose you should respect that.

Her:: We are from different background, different brain. If I said he’s my friend, he’ll be forever. I know my gap and I got pride. You should respect it. That’s the difference between me and you. Clear?

Me:: Whatever makes you sleep at night honey. We’re done here. You get what I mean and I understand you enough. Let’s put a stone here.

Her:: I’m done too. So it’s my right to be friend with anyone I want and you have right to control your Nazim. Enuf said. Learn to be unique. Sweet dream. Bye

Me:: You too. Just a little reminder: know your limits.. Thanks for understanding. Nite..

I guess I made it clear to her that I don't want her to anywhere near my guy. I know some may see this as a stupid2 action, but I need to do something to not lose again. I know she's wealthy, but another thing I know that I'm ten times better than her in any way, except money. (a bit exaggeration though)

Yes, he's mad. He's mad that what I did may jeopardize his reputation at work since they are colleagues. I know that, but I didn't see any other way. She seems to be calling him and always texting him at nights. At nights! Now that's one thing I cannot accept. She knows he's attached and still she looks for him. What kind of desperate is she? Isn't there any eligible bachelor who's not attached at work, that she still looks for him?

What a despicable species.

Battle Hopper

2010-02-01T21:41:00.004+08:00

Hari ni, tak pergi kelas.. tidur sampai lebam kat rumah Pak Jay. Bangun, Darl nak pergi kerja dia hantar aku balik rumah, aku tanya petnag ni ambik aku tak, dia kata 'ye, nanti petna gbalik kerja I amik U' then dia terus pergi kerja. Petang, aku tunggu2 dia datang - dari pukul 6 petang aku tunggu sampai la pukul 7. Bila aku call dia tak angkat, dua kali aku call, then mesej lepas tu aku call lagi sekali baru dia angkat. Aku tanya, 'u datang amik I tak?' Suara dia dengar macam tegang gila, macam tengah bengang/marah. Marah aku sebab tanya pasal dia datang ke tak aku pun tak tau la..

Tadi siang aku tinggal laptop kat rumah Pak Jay, ingatkan nak mintak tolong dia formatkan laptop aku masuk Windows 7 tapi bila aku tanya Darl tadi, dia kata 'Jay tak buat lagi, kan dia kerja?' aku tau la dia kerja, aku tanya je kot. Takkan la nak tanya pun tak boleh sampai dia nak marah2 aku? Salah ke aku nak tanya? Entah kenapa aku sedih sangat bila dia marah2 aku macam tu tadi, rasa macam aku ni tah sapa2 je yang tanya dia pasal hal peribadi yang buat dia marah. Tak boleh ke dia cakap baik2? Aku ni dah la hati tisu, lagi2 dengan dia, orang yang paling dekat dalam hati aku, mestila aku expect dia at least cakap tak menengking-nengking dengan aku. Terasa sungguh lah..

Aku nak jumpa dia, itu pun tak boleh jugak? Aih...tak tau la aku macam mana nak handle lelaki sorang ni.. Kenapa lelaki pun ada mood swings ha? Aku ingat orang pompuan je yang selalu ada mood swings. Kalo ye pun tengah marah, jangan la lepas kat aku. Aku tatau pape, call2 terus dapat tengking dia. Ikut hati nak aje aku marah balik, tapi aku tau api tak boleh bagi minyak, so aku diam je. Cari rokok, lepas tension hisap rokok kat luar.

Dok kat luar, aku tengok je motor dia yang ada dia tinggal kat rumah - Battle Hopper. Aku naik motor tu, tatau kenapa tiba2 aku rasa sedih sangat bila teringat kat dia. And entah la jugak kenapa aku rasa macam motor tu paham aku (macam orang la pulak) tengah sedih pasal tuan dia buat hal. Aku hisap rokok atas motor tu, habis hisap rokok, aku peluk motor tu menangis mengadu kat dia. Entah gila apa buat aku sampai boleh pergi mengadu kat motor. Tapi tulah, aku rasa macam motor tu hidup - macam ada soul.

Duduk lama kat atas motor tu, aku still megharap kat dia untuk datang and I can see him. But I think that is just a mere empty hope. Deep inside, amongst hopes for him, aku tau dia takkan datang kat aku malam ni. Aku berfikir sendiri, apa la yang dia buat sampai aku call pun tak angkat, mesej aku hantar pun tak berbalas. Sibuk sangat ke pun sampai a single text saying that he's busy pun tak boleh reply?

Sedih la. Adoi...

Bila datang situation macam ni, aku mula la fikir bukan2.. Tak la sampai aku nak doubt dia, tapi after all those things yang jadi kat aku dengan lelaki2 sebelum ni buat aku jadi takut - takut dicurangi lagi sekali. Aku takut aku kehilangan orang yang aku sayang..lagi sekali. Aku tak sanggup.

Malam ni, aku buat kerja gila bila frust dengan bf sendiri - pergi mengadu kat motor dia yang aku rasa macam ada soul. seolah-olah motor tu faham dengan keadaan aku - miserable sangat2 malam ni.

Gila ke aku?
Berfikir atas motor..

Benar Ku Mencintaimu <3

2010-01-16T03:59:00.000+08:00

Night, while FB-ing aku terjumpa satu lagu by Anang - Separuh Jiwaku Pergi. Painful man, the message delivers smoothly that the partner cheats on him - Kris with another guy. Seems like he's fallen hard.

Talk about infidelity and cheating, aku dah masak (rasanya da cukup pengalaman) dengan perangai lelaki yang suka hati dorang je nak curang. Kenapa mesti berlaku curang kalo y'all dah pilih untuk commit dengan somebody? Takkan cinta yang dijaja semua tu tipu je? Kalo tipu je macam mana they all look into some girl's eyes and say I Love You? Weird. (because I can't)

But then, betullah kalo sesetengah orang cakap ada lelaki & ada permpuan yang tak ada hati perut. Bila Love Proverbs say 'Be with a person who loves you, not the person you love', still ada yang tinggalkan a good2 lover for another man/woman. Aku berfikir sendiri, kenapa semua ni jadi? Kenapa commit to a perfectly sacred bond and then betray it?

Walaupun nisbah yang curang/tipu ni lebih kurang je between lelaki+perempuan (aku rasa la) tapi yang selalu di highlight orang - lelaki. Sebab? Haa..lelaki yang banyak rosakkan perempuan bila commit in a relatonship. In terms of physically and emotionally as they sleep with the woman and leaves..

Damn it really hurts (for whoever has experience it, they know, I guess..)

Who Am I?

2010-01-15T11:43:00.001+08:00

Pagi ni, lepas aku visit ada satu kawan aku punya blog, ada dia buat personality test ni.. tiba2 aku tergerak hati nak buat test ni jugak..and here's the answer..can't really tell whether they're accurate or not..sebab aku ni manusia yang berubah2 emosi+pemikirannya..so, nothing much that I can say.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

All-new year, All-new hopes.

2010-01-13T06:02:00.000+08:00

2010. Sigh.. tak tau la apa nak di buat dengan tahun baru ni. Apa yang dah jadi tahun lepas buat aku tak ada mood nak sambut tahun baru ni. And seriously, aku macam tak rasa 2009. Feels like I was just blinking even macam2 benda jadi tahun lepas. Rasa macam nak reminisce balik pun ada. Mmm..

Let's see..

Awal tahun start semester macam biasa, and I was so really in love with my ex-boyfriend. And then on 28th of February (yes, I remember) I found his texting with another woman, bersayang2, ber-rindu2 plus siap ada gambar that woman lagi in his phone. I cried like hell and wonder why the fish he does that to me sedangkan I've done almost everything for him. Aku memang rasa macam mana keadaan frust menonggeng, makan tak lalu, mandi tak basah, tido pun tak berapa nak lena. Dalam masa 3 bulan, aku habiskan masa aku dengan pegi club, isap rokok macam nak gila sampai nak temuntah2 pastu study pun entah ke mana. Puas orang kat keliling aku nasihat lah, support lah, marah pun ada. Sebab? aku tak dapat nak lupakan dia. Siot betul.

And then, further in the year..

Pertangahan tahun, Mama kena post kat Perlis. OK la jugak, pasal aku fikir dia dapat tukar angin lepak kerja kat tempat yang can soothe her mind. When she's there, aku kat sini terus meronggeng almost every night dengan my clubbing partner, Dinda and sometimes Frankie - some guy who I stupidly thought can care for me. But he's just merely a stop-by.
And then.. by mid July aku dikenalkan oleh kawan aku Farah kat sorang mamat ni. We clicked well, he tells stories about his life and me listening. Then, after quite sometime (a few days only actually) we became an item, aku yang pop the question. Dia setuju. It went well until Ramadhan. Bila aku dapat tahu there's another woman. Aku confront dia, but he managed to get away with good excuses..
Until that another woman approached me on Facebook. We connect and tell the truth to each other. Tak disangka2, start dari bulan Ramadhan dia dah bercouple dengan perempuan tu, dan selama tu lah, dia tipu aku. By end of October, aku dapat strength untuk tinggal penipu tu (thanks to friends who cared and advised) and just get along with work, friends and new friends.

Then something about me and the abang angkat guy where there's this day when he confessed he wanted me to be his partner. Aku refuse mulanya, tapi bila aku nampak ada kesungguhan kat dia, aku fikir2..what the hell, just get on with it if he can make me happy. Cumanya, the ex kawan aku (or used to be lah) and dia berkata-kata yang aku ini the backstabber where aku sanggup rampas her fiancee. Mm.. aku tak tau lah nak cakap apa, cuma yang aku tau aku tak buat dia curang or tinggalkan the ex untuk aku. He just did that and sometime after the break-up we were together. Well, long as I'm happy aku tak nak bother pasal orang lain kecuali yang baik dengan aku, yang care about me. Those are enough for me.

New Year Eve - aku kerjaaaa.... *sigh*

A Backstabber and Not

2009-11-30T04:41:00.003+08:00

OK. Here's my friend on my right, and her fiancee on my left. Her fiancee made me his adik angkat about a month ago when we first met in Borneo Rainforest on Halloween. He made my friend invite me to join them that day and I did.

Here's how it went.

I was disappointed with my Prince, who is now an ex. He and others saw me crying and looking gloomy back then. All of them was trying to cheer me up - not crying in the middle of a chaotic club. Then two of them - her fiancee and there's this guy who cared about me and always telling me not to cry but smile always (kinda like him.hehe). Both of them helped me in getting over my ex (as well as my friend and others)..making me a stronger person, strong enough to dump my ex. Then, God knows how and why, three of us - me, this guy and this fiancee guy. We hang out together a lot and talk about almost everything. And he made me his adik angkat. I even asked for her permission - is it OK if he takes me as his adik angkat. She said yes.

Then there's this someone who pointed at me saying I like my own friend's fiancee. It's almost out of this world, at least for me. How could I ever take my friend's love when I had feel the pain of having my partner taken? And it happened twice!

Never!

The relationship grows between me and my brother as time goes by, and we bond in a very short period of time. We had luahan perasaan to each other, we talked about all the things in the world. But the part where I can hang on to this brother of mine is that I'm comfortable with him. No, we are comfortable with each other. Even sometimes when we are close I don't really feel comfort, I kept in mind that he's a brother and we are supposed to be that close. A brother right? Blood binding doesn't matter - what's in your heart matters. I hold on to that.

As time flies, we grow closer to each other and he's been telling me about how he wants to walk away and that he admits being with her all along was a mistake. He's just waiting for the right time to pop the statement that might hurt her to the deepest. And I've been trying to tell him that if he still loves her, just go on with whatever that they're having right now and just fix any wreck, talk to each other and make something out of it. Even to her, I asked her to come up to him and fix everything.

But, there's a but.

He keeps running away from her and avoiding her approaches and just let everything be. She was miserable, he was spending his time with me instead. Guilt was on every inch of my flesh. Luckily most of the time, the other guy was there - so it was three of us, not just me and him. And at the same time his friends (whom are her friends too) are telling her that he's cheating on her with me. Many kinds of accusations that I wasn't aware of. Only him and the other guy. This suffocates me as she is my bestfriend, she knows about me, my life, who I am and what I've been through.

So, as I was telling him (and her aswell) to keep going on, last Friday 28/11 when he picked me up from work and I asked him where was he from - Kampung Baru, fiancee's place; he left her. Well if he asks me I would say it's so unbelievable. It really was, as I kept asking him about it - did it really happen or that he was just messing around. But my hunch was true. he left her.

And now I have a feeling that my friend is blaming me for that - maybe thinking that I wanted to steal her fiancee in the first place. Plus, all those nasty people around her poisoning her mind telling this and that about me. I can tell. It's common among women. Instead of coming up to me and clear things up, she prefers to listen to all her ridiculous friends, who clearly don't know anything about me. I bet she knows me better. Way better than her other friends.
Alas, coming up to the third party isn't always a preferred thing to do unless a person has experienced terrible loss due to a third party. I think I can digest that. And that I understand how a girl would act if she thought her own bestfriend betrays her. Definitely I can get that to my head.

Nevertheless, the damage is done and lesson learnt. I should never step into a person's relationship, especially when it's going over a rough patch. Definitely a no no. And what I'm upset about is that she really thought I backstabbed her, which is totally absurd! I never betrayed her. I even stayed on her side when my brother was telling me all the things about her doings behind him that he gets to know much later, or those things she did without him knowing. And when he asked me, I just told him the truth without knowing that he never knew anything about her activities behind him. I only told him the truth! I never want them to split..

:: Dear friend, if you read this, please understand and realize that I never betray you. Not in any way or with any intentions. I treasure you.

Why Oh Why...

2009-10-25T18:34:00.001+08:00

It has been 3 months and nearly two weeks and I'm feeling like hell. Mum is not approving him hanya sebab dia tak ada degree dalam tangan dia. And that her current boyfriend is so much of a wealthy person. Kaya lah sangat. I hate it when she brings him up on every event that happens. No matter what, and by that I meant no matter what event. She always said; kau tu baru je kenal dia, kau tu baru je berapa bulan dengan dia.. I hate it when she says that.

True, I've only been with him for a short period of time. But that doesn't mean she can blame him on everything! No matter directly or indirectly! I hate this situation where, her boyfriend is staying in this house for over a week now, but she won't let me out to see my boyfriend! What is that? How can that be fair to me?!

Absolutely not fair!!

Dah ramai yang cakap dengan aku perangai macam si ketam yang nak ajar anak berjalan lurus, tapi diri sendiri berjalan senget. Dah ramai sangat. Tapi diri sendiri tak sedar-sedar lagi. Masih jugak nak teruskan life yang tah pape dengan boyfriend yang dia claim bagus sangat tu.

Belajar Tarikat lah, ape lah..

Kalau setakat nak makan je boleh mengaji, boleh baca ayat-ayat suci, tapi solat lima waktu tak buat, even solat Jumaat pun tak pergi, pastu dok melepak kat rumah ni macam dia punya rumah and then nak ajar aku disiplin sedangkan dia dok tidur dengan mak aku, baik tak payah la nak canang-canangkan kat orang yang dia tu a good Muslim ke apa ke.

Tak payah.

Memang ada some good qualities in him, especially bila dia dok tolong mak aku kemas rumah la apa la.. of course dia suka ada orang tolong buat kerja2 dia. Tak payah di suruh2 pun rumah+ laman orang tua tu dia dah tolong kemaskan. Tapi tak payah la tunjuk bagus dia tu kat depan orang. Mentang2lah dah hidup lama, apa je yang orang muda2 ni buat semua dia nak kondem. Even depan bapak sedara aku pun dia nak tunjuk bagus. Apa punya orang la dia ni.

Tak paham aku.
Serius tak paham.

Dah tu, bila aku cakap boyfriend aku tu bukan orang senang, bukan banyak duit, bukan berpelajaran tinggi, dua2 dok cucuk aku slowly, cakap itu lah, ini lah, bagi mesej+hint nak aku tinggalkan boyfriend aku yang sorang tu.

Apakejadah??

Aku yang pilih dia, aku suka dia, and the most important thing is, I love him! Bagi aku, itu yang penting. Pasal dia tak ada degree ke apa ke, itu belakang kira. Sebabnya, aku tau duit boleh cari kat mana2. Tapi cinta+kasih sayang aku tak boleh jumpa kat tepi longkang macam mana aku jumpa duit.

And then, dengan dia ni, after a couple of months together barulah aku dapat rasa dia tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku. Takkan aku nak lepaskan dia macam tu je? Aku takkan semudah tu nak lepaskan dia lepas semua usaha yang aku dah bagi untuk dapatkan hati dia. Takkan sekali-kali aku buat macam tu. Aku tak nak lukakan dia, and at the same time I don't want to be hurt myself. And I definitely don't want to be like my former and his other former partners.

Back to the issue.

Apa yang aku boleh buat, itupun selagi aku boleh buat sekarang ni; tak tau lah tahan sampai bila, sabar je. Sabar, sabar dan sabar. Tu je lah. Aku tau, setiap kali aku bukak pasal salah+silap dia, mau tak mau dia tetap pusing balik kat salah aku. Ada je yang dia nak korek sampai ada jugak salah aku no matter what. So, in the end, daripada aku dok bergaduh+bertekak dengan dia and cari salah each other, lebih baik aku diam je. Lagi banyak aku diam, lagi kurang aku bertegang urat. Biar la hati sakit macam mana pun, selagi aku diam selagi tu aku tak porak perandakan this so-called a happy family of mine.

Tapi diam tak bererti kalah.

Feeling Like A Trash

2009-10-03T21:27:00.002+08:00

Dah lama aku cuba gapai hati, kasih sayang, perhatian daripada mamat sekor ni. Aku sampai dah tak tau nak buat apa dengan dia. Bila tanya, dia pandai mengaku kata sayang, kalau tak sayang takde lah dia nak jumpa aku hari2 kata dia. Bila bergaduh, pandai pulak dia nak pujuk, sayang la, rindu la apa la. Tapi, lepas satu, satu dia lukakan hati aku. lepas satu, satu aku sedih dengan apa yang dia buat. Sayang apa macam tu?

Serius, aku tak paham dengan perangai dia.

Sekarang, dah nak masuk 3 bulan aku dengan dia. Aku tak mau benda ni habis macam tu je. Aku nak bina life dengan dia. Aku nak bahagia dengan dia. Tapi, dah lama macam ni aku tak dapat rasa dia betul2 sayang kat aku. Aku rasa macam dia main2 je dengan aku, bukan betul2 serius nak commit dalam relation ni. Aku dah nak naik buntu dengan semua ni.

Aku mengaku, dia bukan apa yang aku nak. Dia bukan orang senang, dia bukan bijak pandai, nak kata romantik apatah lagi. Tak payah aku nak mula, dia yang spoil mood awal2. Dia pun bukan baik hati sangat nak pujuk2 aku bila aku marah ke, merajuk dengan dia ke..(walaupun memang aku nak sangat tengok macam mana dia pujuk aku.huhu.) Dia pun bukan a perfect gentleman yang pompuan2 kat luar sana nak sangat (memang tak gentle pun). Aku nampak banyak flaw dia yang tak kena dengan kehendak aku kat seorang lelaki.

Tapi lepas 2 bulan lebih aku dengan dia, walaupun dia pendiam+perahsia tahap gaban, susah nak bawak berbincang, mudah terasa even aku bergurau dengan dia, tak peduli sangat dengan perasaan aku (memang tak peduli), tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu, buat aku tak keruan+tak dapat baca perasaan dia. Pastu bila aku buat silap ke apa ke, tak dapat agak dia ada masalah ke apa ke, mula nak marah aku pulak. Sakit je hati aku.

Tapi macam mana pun dia, aku tau dia tu apa yang aku perlukan dalam life aku yang caca-marba ni. Aku perlukan dia untuk advice2 yang aku takkan terfikir langsung - solutions yang ridiculous tapi possible. Dia ada kelembutan dalam sentuhan dia yang aku perlu dan tak pernah dapat dari sapa2 . Dia selalu sedarkan aku betapa kadang2 aku silap, kadang2 aku fikir terlalu negatif (even dia pun kadang2 negatif.huhu). Aku perlu dia untuk stay waras dalam nak teruskan hidup aku (sebab kadang2 aku rasa macam nak pergi mati je).

Cuma, yang aku ralat dalam relationship ni, aku rasa dia layan aku macam bukan sapa2 dalam life dia. Bukan orang yang dia sayang, tatang, jaga, cinta. Aku selalu tertanya2 sendiri, dia sayang aku? Dia cinta aku? Dia nak aku dalam hidup dia?

Aku tertanya2 sendiri. Tak ada jawapan yang dapat aku cari.

Soalan yang paling kerap datang dalam kepala aku - kenapa. Kenapa dia buat aku macam ni? kenapa dia buat aku macam sampah? Kenapa kalau dia kat dia sayang, kenapa dia keep on lukakan hati aku? Kenapa buat aku kejar2 dia? Kenapa buat aku menangis sebab dia?

Kenapa?

Aku ni apa untuk dia? Bukan couple dia? Bukan aku yang sepatutnya dia jaga hati, jaga diri, ambik berat, ambik tau apa aku buat, aku kat mana, dengan sapa.. Apa yang aku nampak - dia memang tak ada nak pedulikan aku. Dalam gaung ke, atas gunung ke, hidup ke mati ke.. Memang tak ada..

Aku fikir, dengan ada dia dalam life aku, takkan ada airmata tumpah lagi sebab lelaki. Tapi rasa macam makin banyak aku menangis pun ada. Lepas satu, satu benda dia buat yang kecewakan aku, sakitkan hati aku. Aku tak tau sampai bila aku boleh bertahan dengan perangai dia yang macam2 ni. Apa yang aku boleh buat dan tengah buat sekarang ni - sabar selagi aku boleh sabar, bertahan selagi aku boleh bertahan.

Aku tak nak dia kecewa dengan pompuan lagi. Cukuplah apa yang dia pernah rasa dengan pompuan2 dia dulu. Tapi yang paling aku risau nanti bila aku dah muak dengan semua ni dia baru nak tunjuk apa tu kasih sayang sebenarnya. By the time aku dah tawar hati, dah tak ada hati, semua tu dah sangat2 terlambat.

::p/s:: Putra hati, if u baca, please do something.

Someone Who I Call Mr. Boyfriend

2009-09-11T10:38:00.003+08:00

It's been a month, three weeks and two days since 19th of July, where I asked for his consent to be my partner - and he said yes. I, although am still wounded and shadowed by my past, have been trying to give my best to him and the relationship.
I have been keeping all the thoughts about him and his past with his ex-girlfriends. How he still keeps her pictures in his wallet, phone and even on MySpace. Aku tak paham kenapa dia nak buat semua tu lepas minah tu dah tipu dia kaw2.

Otak aku tak dapat nak hadam tu.

It's just unacceptable - at least for me, and now that he's with me he's got to understand that. I told him to get rid of those pictures so many times but he just ignored me. Of course I'm jealous! She's an ex, I'm his partner now! My pictures are supposed to be in his belongings! Not hers!

She lied to you, what's the point of keeping her stuff? He knew how she hurt him, but he still possess her pictures as if he's still waiting for her. And the worst is, he treats me as if I'm just a friend and someone who doesn't mean anything to him.

What la wei?

I've been trying to reach out for him, treat him nice, try my best to be an understanding girlfriend to him. Keeping all the hurt inside - forgetting all the pain and just keep going on no matter how hard it is for me to win his heart over Ms. Syahira.

Maybe this is a bad time for me to step into his life, I think of this sometimes. He simply come and go, all the things that a boyfriend does to his partner, he failed to do. Sometimes I feel like he's making me a person to be with when he's feeling blue, someone to attend him whenever he needs help..not someone whom he calls his girlfriend. The thought of that really, really breaks my heart.

As for now, I don't know, really I don't know what to do, how to reach him - physically, emotionally and the hardest, spiritually. It's as if I'm still in a bubble where I can't get out and get into his arms. I wish, Lord I wish he could open his heart, open his mind and take me wholly as someone who loves him deeply.

If only that wish comes true..

Scorpio vs Virgo

2009-08-26T18:24:00.002+08:00

http://www.gotohoroscope.com/

Their interests are the same in many areas, but they are too different when it refers to the sexual sphere. It is difficult for them to establish good relationships. Virgo can become captious. Restrained Virgo has trouble keeping up with highly demonstrative Scorpio and doesn't understand what all the fuss and bother is about. Scorpio can fly into jealous rages for no reason, even if Virgo has proved to be a faithful mate, and the general Scorpio views are hard for Virgo to take or agree with for Virgo always sees the other side of the situation and the other persons point of view. In other words Scorpio can be roughly frank. The spiritual affinity is possible for some time, and then Scorpio will probably begin to search for new sexual partners. Friendship may be the best idea here.

erk..aku mau kapel la.
mane lak suruh kawan je.hampeh tul.

The Dream

2009-08-23T03:01:00.003+08:00

I dreamt of my father, again.
This time, he had long hair and somehow very calm and cheerful. I can't really remember all of it but some pieces that are left on the back of my mind pictured him being so happy living his life somewhere I don't know.
He had sort of a home, or a place of living - very small but he looked so happy and grateful with what he had. I can't recall the place where I met him, but it seemed like some place far from the city - almost like my hometown.
Again, we talked to each other but unfotunately I can't record what were the things that we were talking about. But I do remember he mentioned about how happy he is with his little life, in his very own world.
I couldn't stop recalling about how upset I was when he told me he got married to another woman. It's not that I hate it or that I can't accept, but I was more like shocked - when I know my father was still with my step-mother when he left. I wondered how, why and who did he marry.
Nonetheless, I kept all those question marks roam in my head.
He showed me a picture of his home. Very small and a bit dirty. Seemed like he was living a very moderate life. Reminds me of the house of his in Pandan Indah. The one every heir wants but too greedy to let me and my sisters have.

Especially his brother.

I don't really know whether this dream has any meaning or that its just a dream.. but, regarding this, I feel that I have to do something about the house or Father's effort in it would be in vain..

Cinta?

2009-08-23T02:26:00.001+08:00

Ku ingin lihat cinta di matamu
Agar bisaku rai musim bunga di hati
Kuingin lihat kasih pada senyummu
Agar takku lelah mencari nafas sendiri
Ku ingin rasakan sayang sentuhanmu
Agar lepas rindu yang menggebu

Ku ingin dirimu
Ku ingin segala apa yang ada
Rasa sayangmu
Rasa cintamu
Gelora asmara
Dalam dirimu untukku

Kerna padamu ku beri semua
Bila hati melara duka kecewa
Kau buat ku lupa semua derita
Bila hanya hilai tawa kamu
Buat ku bahagia diselubung rasa
Cinta.

Serabut Kepala

2009-08-23T02:16:00.001+08:00

Benda ni dok serabutkan kepala aku. Dia sayang aku ke tak? Yang aku tau, aku tengah pupuk rasa sayang kat dia. Tapi dia?
Aku tak tau.
Aku dah cakap terang2 kat dia, perhatian+belaian. Tu je. Aku tak mintak duit ke, material ke, apa ke. Bagi aku perhatian, panggil aku dengan sweet2 names, bagi aku rasa happy bila aku dengan dia. Masalahnya dia macam tak tunjuk dia sayang aku -tak tunjuk ke atau memang tak ada sayang untuk aku, aku tak tau la. Aku nak sangat tengok+rasa kasih sayang yang ada kat dia untuk aku.
Kenapa simpan? Kenapa tak tunjuk kat aku? Kalau dia tunjuk kat aku, secara tak langsung dia buat aku bertambah-tambah sayang kat dia. Ini, panggil sayang pun tak mau, apatah lagi nak tunjuk dia sayang kat aku. Haih.. pening kepala aku. Kalau ye pun chill, tak payah la sampai macam aku yang dok kejar dia. Malu jugak aku ni oii...
Ingat perempuan tak ada pride ke?
Aku mintak tak banyak kot, just tunjuk yang dia sayang kat aku secara fizikal. Ini, layan aku pun lebih kurang je. Rasa macam dia cakap dengan minah semalam tu lagi baik daripada dia cakap dengan aku. Sakit je hati dengar dia sembang dengan minah tu semalam. Rasa macam nak switch off, bukak bateri skali fon dia tu. Mana taknya, bila call aku, cakap macam takde mood, macam terpaksa je. Kadang2 aku rasa dia treat kawan2 dia lebih baik dari dia treat aku. Memang la dia dok balik rumah aku la apa la. Tapi balik rumah aku pun macam tu jugak. Macam tunggul je aku ni dia buat. Macam tak ada apa2 makna aku ni kat dia. Jangan sampai aku naik fed up sudah la. Sayang yang dah ada ni patutnya dia baja, siram. Buat benda2 yang buat aku jadi lagi sayang kat dia.
Ni tak, buat bodo, buat muka menyampah pulak kat aku. Aku ni apa? Tempat aku kat mana dalam hati dia? Cakap sayang, tapi dia tak behave macam dia sayang kat aku pun? Macam buat2 sayang je ada la. Kadang2 ok kadang2 tak.
Ape ni?
Sayang buat la cara sayang. Jangan la dok layan aku macam sofa kat rumah je. Aku ni orang, dan aku ni sangat2la sensitif bila aku ada rasa sayang kat orang tu. Tapi dia seolah2 tak peduli.
Apa ni? Dah declare semua, buat la betul2. Kalau ye pun gagal dengan ex-girfriend dia, jangan la buat aku ni mangsa dia pulak.
Aku pun gagal jugak dulu.
Walaupun aku tak lama dengan ex aku tu, tapi dia buat aku blah dengan cara yang paling sakit. Terus buat aku jadi takut nak ada hubungan dengan lelaki. Tapi aku bukak hati ni untuk dia. Sebab? Ada fireworks dalam hati bila aku dengan dia. Tapi tu je tak cukup untuk buat aku sayang gila kat kat dia lebih dari aku sayang ex aku tu. Dan aku nak sayang dia lebih dari aku sayang ex2 aku.
Aku nak cinta+kasih sayang. Bukan kompromi.
Aku nak buang apa yang mat DK tu cakap dengan aku -cinta sekali je, yang lain semua kopromi.
Aku tak mau.
Dan aku tak mau bercinta beratus kali dalam hidup. Aku nak apa yang aku ada untuk dia, hanya untuk dia. Aku tak mau bagi orang lain. Dan apa yang dia ada untuk aku. Tolonglah Mr., faham, aku sayang kat dia tak ada bersyarat. Biarla apa pun dia tu. Bila aku kata aku dah suka, aku suka. Cuma sekarang ni aku mintak satu je kat dia -buat aku tambah2 sayang kat dia.
Sampai gilakan dia pun tak apa.
Aku nak tu je. Jangan buat aku mangsa lepas apa yang dah jadi antara dia dengan ex dia. Tolonglah, aku ni hati tisu. Jangan buat aku merana tagih cinta dia, sedangkan dia dok tak habis2 dengan chill dia tu. Mati la aku. Aku tak mau.
Tolonglah, tunjuklah yang dia cinta aku. Bagitau aku dia sayang aku. Tu je. Yang lain tak ada pun tak apa.

Aku nak cinta dia.

Merindu Lagi

2009-08-23T02:02:00.002+08:00

Dingin hujan meredup gelap malam

Membawa rindu relung hati

Basahnya tanah bumi yang kelam

Kala sendiri aku tangisi

Bilamana kemarau merundung hati

Ragaku menggapai angin dinihari

Rindu sayangku menggebu

Menyesak dada menggoncang kalbu

Ku genggam manis musim bersama

Kuatnya tiada apa bisa meragut setia

Kemanisan dulu membunga

Kini debu tandus yang melanda

Jiwa raung meminta padamu

Hati merindu pelukan syahdu

Dewa hati moga dapat kembali

Kerna jauhnya lama dikau pergi
Aku sendiri. Merindu lagi.

Ladies Night - Centro

2009-07-29T07:34:00.004+08:00

19th of July 2009; marked those footsteps where I moved on from Faizul's shadow. I was introduced to this person at Centro somewhere on the earlier days of July by Farah, a good friend of mine (apparently we became close after school 0.o). At first, he was just another ordinary Joe I encounter along the way living my night life. I've never met a person who talks more than I do (huhu) but it seems that he does. =)

Elaboration later.

That day; Ladies Night at Centro I went with my Dinda (only 2 of us - crazy) and I invited Farah to tag along. She came much later and brought with her some friends. I jumped from my seat and danced like hell and sweat like a pig!

But then something terrible happened.

Someone stole Farah's handbag! I just can't believe what happened as we were in the club and I suppose - there should not be any theft in there. It's a place to have fun, for crying out loud! Not a place to steal things!

Swearing aside.

Me, Dinda and him accompanied Farah to lodge a police report (Brickfields) about her missing stuff in the handbag and we helped her calm down.
Everything was done at around 6am - she went home with a friend who came later and 3 of us went straight home too (yes, I had to send him home, he came with Farah). Arrived home approximately around 7am++. Apa lagi, both us get to the bed as fast as we can and slept all day.

He managed to gave us his e-mail and asked us to add him up in Facebook etc..huhu

originally expressed on 9th July.

Burning Slowly

2009-07-29T07:11:00.003+08:00

Burn slowly,

On the flame of life.

Slowly, slowly - It's a fragile dream.

Lest it may shatter;

Be careful to light the flame..

The imminent is inevitable

The sky never descends.

All I wish is to live a few moments

In the grace of your beauty.

The dreams I saw in your eyes

Continue to live in my heart.

But the edges of those dreams

Pierce my eyes.

Slowly it burns,

The flame of life.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

2009-07-06T21:19:00.006+08:00

I didn't have anything to do yesterday so I strolled around the net and I read one of the blogs online about celebrities and gossips etc the other day, specifically a day after I watched the Transformers part II and I was - well, shocked - as I read the post about 5 confusing scenes in the movie. As I read, I found the scenes they question about are absurd! Haven't they ever heard of fiction? blah..

OK, the first one, they question about a fighting scene that took place in LA. Question - how does the US government cover this thing and make it looks like a rumor in the internet, and bagi suggestion pulak tu - kerajaan US rasuah orang2 supaya tutup mulut.
I think this one is just an accusation. Not that I'm siding the US, but, come on, takkan la semua benda yang happen dalam movie tu diorang nak masukkan? Takkan la every step of an event nak kena masuk dalam movie tu? Movie tu pun dah cukup panjang, kalo sume nak masuk tak ke jadi 4-5 jam cerita tu? Aiyo. Be relevan la. Kalo dah jadi macam tu mesti ada press conference ke apa ke yang explain sebenarnya apa yang bergaduh kat tengah2 highway LA tu. Plus, everybody knows US is the biggest liar on earth. Senang je kalo diorang nak cakap its just a prototype robot ke, military training ke, or whatever the hell is. It's simple, really. Them blogger made it so big but without further research. Dumbass.

The 2nd one said ada 2 pieces of Allspark on earth. 1 Decepticons dah curi, pastu bila Sam nak hidupkan Optimus, kenapa tak guna the other piece, sedangkan that piece ada je dalam beg Mikaela. Kenapa nak kena guna the Matrix of Leadership. Then pertikaikan pulak kehebatan Optimus. Gosh! Teruk betul! Helo.. Did they watch the movie or did they produce another movie in the hall?
I don't know whether or not they remember, but I sure do. The small piece of Allspark yang ada kat Mikaela tu diorang dah guna untuk re-activate robot yang kat muzium tu - Jetfire. (remember robot tua - one of the pioneers yang nyanyuk tu?) Ofcos la dah tak ada lagi Allspark, and the last resort is to use the Matrix. And that Matrix happened to be in a desert. Ni lagi satu, kalo ye pun nak kutuk a movie, make sure You watch that movie at least five times, baru la nak buat conclusion about flaws ke apa ke. Ad0iai..

The 3rd one is fine, they got it right I suppose. Memang Michael Bay tersalah kira. Huhu. Or maybe radar detect robot kecik yang re-activate Megatron tu. Who knows? Haha.

Nombor 4, Sam mati and pergi syurga robot. They question - robot pun ada syurga ke?
For me, its not exactly syurga, but merely as a metaphor replacing Sam's obsession.. obsession? Bukan really obsession la kot, tapi as a booster for him to keep on living and courage untuk re-activate Optimus. Tu je. Or maybe those Autobots memang ada syurga of their own since kononnya diorang ada nyawa+feelings+ada dunia sendiri. On the other hand, maybe.. all those Primes yang Sam nampak tu probably just in his mind or merely a vision of Sam being subconscious - or, yeah, unconscious. Pernah dengar? (to them blogger) Tak ada pulse, tak bermakna mati. Ever heard of brain dead? I believe in that. Memang la looks like cerita Hindustan, but then, that scene is possible in real world.

Lastly, the part where they say Bumble Bee still can't talk, and said rasanya voicebox Bumblebee dah dibaiki dalam filem yang lepas. True, memang dah fix Bumble Bee head-to-toe. Tapi, remember the scene Sam slow talk dengan Bee about college and Bee still guna radio untuk cakap denagn Sam? Mikaela kan ada tanya about Bee's voice? Sam kan dah state yang suara Bumble Bee memang dah elok, tapi dia sengaja tak mau cakap. The reason? I don't know, maybe Bee simply tak mau cakap guna suara dia - or it's much more fun to talk through the radio. Ada rhyme lagi. Haha.

Apa la, kalo pergi tengok movie just for fun, tak digest pastu nak kutuk2 the movie, aku rasa baik orang2 macam ni duduk rumah tidur je. Tak payah susah2 keluar pergi cinemas. Ramai lagi orang yang boleh pergi tengok, faham and digest the movie. Do some research la dude, sebelum nak kutuk satu2 movie tu. Akal dah pendek, pastu nak ajar orang ramai akal pendek macam them bloggers, cakap tak usul periksa. Betul la what Aqasha said in his blog. Fir'aun pun tak sombong macam they all ni. Actually, I think diorang ni bukan setakat sombong, tapi bodoh dan sombong. That's why they don't have anything else to do but cari kurap/kayap dalam kain orang. What the hell?

Memang, looking at all the comments posted banyak lagi ada flaw movie ni sebenarnya. Cuma people from different fields je yang boleh detect (eg: RMAF/engineer) but this is just a movie - for us, it's for fun. For Micael Bay and the crony, it's for money. Simple as that. So I think there's no use kalo nak cari flaw dalam satu2 movie. Jumpa flaw pun, the movie is done and they still get the big bucks! So who the hell cares? And another thing, aliens are just an imagination. Autobots and Decepticons - semua tu imagination. So, even movie ni tak berat sangat to digest, but one still need a high level of imagination to really understand this one.

p/s :: this is merely a thought from what I saw, heard and experienced. So there's really no need to dig deep down to find what's right and wrong. The movie is a success, so just sit back and enjoy!

Cerah Putih Datangnya Seri

2009-07-03T00:26:00.011+08:00

There's actually nothing much to write hari ni, since aku tak buat apa2 kat rumah. Menghabiskan masa mengadap lappie je. So, aku terfikir nak post benda alah ni. Not to say a poem or anything, merely some sort of a feeling I had back in Perlis and aku pun tak tau macam mana boleh jadi benda ni. Tapi it's just an expression, even though aku ni takdelah religious sangat. Huhu.

Saat mata terpejam

Hati rapat ditutup

Hijab gelap meredup kalbu

Jalanan jatuhnya pasir hidup, tanpa arah lurus

Muncul sang cahaya,

Biar malap tak berseri

Walau jauh dari diri

Tangan menjangkau cuba

Ingin hati menggapai secebis

Cahaya itu yang tinggalnya

Kesan jauh dalam ke jiwa

Petanda yang diberi Kamu

Suara yang menggema sedar

Aura menggegar kuatnya raga

Buat aku terpana, akan

Besarnya kuasa yang ada

Meliputi segala apa

Harus bagaimana? Ku cuba

Meletak derap langkah

Membersih hati bernanah

Merawat jiwa redup melanda

Pohonku setiap jenguknya suria

Agar menghindar hitam gelita

Cerah putih datangnya seri

Pada-Mu Maha segala

Pintaku selurusnya jalan menghadap

Originally expressed;

June 30, 3.36 AM.

Alone, cigarettes and single. Single..

2009-07-01T04:09:00.010+08:00

Hari ni official lah kiranya aku start hari tinggal sorang2 kat KL. Mum's up in Perlis, Baby east coast Kuantan. Aku je sorang kat sini kematu tak ada ahli keluarga (yang terdekat la). Lepas hantar Baby kat stesen bas pagi tadi aku tak sambung tidur pun. Ntah naik gila apa layan cerita Hindustan dari balik tu sampai la ke petang (dulu arwah Pak Lang selalu cakap gila iseng, aku ni nak naik iseng la kot).

Now that aku duduk rumah ni sorang2, rasa lost sangat when it comes to coming back. Bila dah keluar tu rasa macam tak mau balik - kalau sebelum ni Mama ada dok suruh aku balik cepat la, jangan keluar malam sangat la dan macam2 lagi quote dia, now it feels like there's no point returning home. There's nobody; only me, TV kaler hijau and my lappie. Sunyi betul rasanya bila balik rumah. Dah la single. Oops, single? Mm, hopelessly and pathetically single. Macam fobia dengan perkataan tu pun ada. Takut tak berteman, bermanja, sayang+kasih+cinta. Senang cerita tak mau alone lah! Tapi single best jugak, flirting activity is in the air! Heheheh.

Bak kata Robbie Williams -

I just wanna feel real love

feel the home that I live in

'Cos I got too much love

running through my veins going to waste..

Rasa macam nak ikut Mama pergi Perlis pun ada, macam nak suruh dia balik stay KL je pun ada. Adoi, feels like baru lepas putus cinta pulak. Huhu.

Plus, since Mama balik Perlis+Baby balik Kuantan aku semakin ketagih Semporna kaler hijau. Lepas sebatang, sebatang aku habiskan (teringat time2 melara. Aih..). Makan pun aku tak peduli, layan lappie dengan Semporna je kerja aku sehari suntuk. Serupa macam 4 bulan dulu la. Hopeless betul!

Layan punya layan Hindustan it occured to me that aku tak tengok Transformers part 2 lagi. Aiya, patutnya awal2 keluar lagi dah tengok - ni dah sampai naik kempunan belum tengok2 lagi. Sesudah berpikir panjang, aku decide nak pergi tengok kat Mid Valley je sorang2. Dah tak tahan nak tengok Bumble Bee+Optimus Prime. Tapi in the end aku pergi tengok kat The Summit USJ dengan Nazmi. Hai, kawan aku sorang tu..

But then Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen tu memang tersangatlah best. This time, more humor+values instilled compared to the 1st one. Memang enjoy habis! Especially kawan Sam+robot kembar tu. Sedih jugak tengok Optimus mati, tapi aku tau, selagi ada cube+energon gerenti Optimus bleh recharge balik (paling cuak time Sam tak ada pulse. Confirm menyampah kalau dia mati. Hehe).

Habis wayang, pergi makan sekejap kat Restoran Anggerik (rasanya nama tu la) then sembang2 je dengan kawan aku sorang tu. Matang jugak dia sebenarnya, aku ingat sengal memanjang je. (Nazmi kalau ko baca jangan marah ek!) Hehe. At some point, aku terfikir - why the hell don't I fall in love with this guy? Ciri2 lelaki sedarah dah ada, aku kenal pun dah lama, baik hati. Ntah la, aku sendiri tak pasti kenapa hati aku tak terbukak untuk dia. Aih! tak mau lah! biar je hubungan aku dengan dia kekal best friends sampai bila2! Senang, dua2 hapi, tak makan hati!

--Or maybe aku dah lama ada crush kat dia, cuma aku kept on denying myself to him. Maybe aku tak nak hilang dia kalau we all couple, pastu hit a wall, gaduh3, break off and terus drift away from each other. Maybe aku still takut dengan idea building a relationship after what has happened to me last few months. Well, only The Almighty knows what lies ahead for me. Bagi aku, gamble je la sape pun. Yang penting aku hapi, semua hapi.

QUE SERA SERA.

Whatever happens, happens.

Wira Oh Wira

2009-06-29T23:34:00.002+08:00

Tak tau kenapa hari ni terasa nk tulis dalam BM pulak. Maybe sebab dah banyak post aku tulis dalam English, or terpengaruh dengan blog2 orang lain yang aku baca.huhu.

Hari ni Mama dah gerak pergi Perlis. Sayu pulak bila Mama dah pergi. I'll be here alone, alone, totally alone kat dalam rumah besar ni. Baby plak dah nak balik Kuantan esok pagi, tak tau la nak buat apa esok sorang2. Nak harapkan Dinda, takkan nak berkepit dengan dia 24/7 kot. Mesti dia pun ada plan lain dengan kawan2 dia. Aduiai, rasa macam casted away from family pulak.huhu.

Anyway, hari ni pergi Mid Valley dengan Baby. Said nak beli baju+seluar sebelum balik Kuantan. Cari punya cari, at last dia beli seluar kat Giordano je. Dalam pukul 10 nak balik dah, Wira pulak buat hal - tak boleh nak ignite. Nak kata cuak/panik tu takdelah, tapi more like tak tau nak buat apa. Baby suruh cari sekuriti, tapi aku suruh dia balik. Sporting pulak dia nak mencari orang. Kalau tak, liat je nak tegur orang.

Baby tegur ada la sorang Bangla ke Nepal ke aku tak tau la. Tanya dia mana sekuriti tup2 ada dorang brader ni lalu. Dia pergi la approach brader tu. Brader tu bawak kitorang pergi concierge kat area bayar parking. Tunggu mekanik kat situ dalam 10mins then ada la sorang pak cik ni datang. Cakap2 sikit pastu dia nak pergi kat kereta la. Dalam pada tu ada la pulak sorang mamat ni datang kat kaunter concierge tu cakap pasal apa tah. takdela hot, tapi muka dia sangat cumil+sweet. Sekali pandang lekat pulak mata ni kat muka dia. Nasib baik sempat cover pandang si Baby. Dalam dok tengah trouble tu sempat jugak aku nak menggatal. Sejak aku single ni galak pulak mata aku ni mencari si kumbang. Nak cari pengganti kot. Hehe.

Then pak cik ni bawak kitorang pergi kat Wira hampeh tu nak jump guna kereta dia (cap Mid Valley la). Lepas tu pak cik yang nama dia Hassan ni tengok2 isi perut Wira tu dia cakap kepala positif bateri kereta dah longgar, kena tukar, kalau tak pun letak aluminium buat lapik so bagi ketat balik kepala bateri tu. Dia cakap sebab kepala tu longgar yang kereta tu tak boleh start. Then dia godek2 bateri tu, dia letak a piece of kuprum/aluminium (kaler copper) kat kepala bateri pastu ketuk2 sampai rapat. Dalam dok mem-pomen tu sempat jugak pak cik Hassan ni recommend workshop dia kat Batu Caves - dalam hati aku niat nak hantar Kancil nanti kat pak cik ni, mengenang jasa dia tolong aku.. Huhu.

Lepas semua dah OK aku dengan Baby balik rumah hati lega sebab pak cik tu tolong kitorang, even tu memang kerja dia tapi still, nak jugak dia tolong. I think he was sincere when he helped us. Sebab tu dia buat semua tu. Terima kasih banyak2 pak cik Hassan from Mid Valley.

Dah 3 hari headache tak mau hilang since balik dari Perlis haritu. Tak tau la kenapa. Owww...sakit kepala...

RIP King of Pop Michael Jackson

2009-06-29T04:33:00.001+08:00

The man who triggered interest in moonwalking,
May Lord be with thou leaving,
Thy name will always be green in all reminiscing,
Live thou immortally through voice and melody long as there is a living.

RIP dear Michael Jackson.

A Person I Watched and Waited Since School

2009-06-29T01:12:00.008+08:00

I first watched him in a telemovie (I guess) when I was a child (perhaps primary school, when I was about 11 or 12) and I immediately fell in love with this one. I didn't even watch that telemovie start-to-end, just glimpses.. or maybe parts of it. But I did remember to catch his name at the end of the telemovie. After that, I sort of lost him from TV - no telemovies, no ads, no series, don't even bother to mention movies! I waited for his comeback on screen but he never showed up. Maybe he wasn't on TV, or maybe I didn't check properly whether he was on or not.

Then, there was this time when he actually played a role in a telemovie (or series) as an unfilial son. It was like - heaven, when I saw him. Then - again, I lost him (from the TV la). So I kept on waiting and waiting. For years! I wonder where did he go? I can't seem to find him anywhere on TV back then. I didn't know where to find him - either on TV or the net. Don't let me start with Astro, I never knew Astro until I was in high school! So zaman batu. Huhu. So I can't really look for him in there.

As I grow up, I still remember him - as someone who kind of disappeared from TV for quite a long time; until one day I saw him in one of the series on TV3. Unfortunately I can't stick to the series since I don't have a TV back in my hostel room. Damn Uni! Short after came along the movies - those movies where he was in, but not as a lead.
Well, not as a lead is OK for me long as I can watch him and put me - somehow a little away from the misery of craving to see him. Still, I have a few movies that have him in it that I haven't watched yet. Will find any DVDs or VCDs anywhere available and make a collection. Man, I'm totally head over heels for this guy!

Actually, I have met him - not really met; me and my sister sort of saw him and he noticed us looking at him. I didn't recognize him at first - he wore a pair of nerd glasses (huge black frame) with a hat (or a cap, I don't recall) but my sister said he was the one from the TV. We looked at each other for quite a moment and then stared (yeah, we smiled also) at him for a while and he just passed through the crowd. I hope there's going to be a deja vu for that incident. Lord please let it happen again.. Hehe.

**Now that he's one of the most hottest male star, everybody seems to put a little extra attention to him. I feel kind of jealous. Yep, jealous! Hell yeah I'm jealous! I discovered him - well, not to say discovered; but more to knowing him even when he was 16 man! Gosh! Yang baru2 kenal this guy ni dah mengaku fanatic la, #1 fan la, mad about him la and lotsa other craps! Dare I say that I am his #1 fan. Why? Cos, boy, have I waited so very long for him to appear on TV or movies! So to all those who watched Bohsia/Syurga Cinta/Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak and claim themselves as his #1 fan, you guys (or should I say girls) are just full of shit!
Ter-emo la pulak. Eheh.. :p But then, who gives a damn about it eh?

That Particular Dream

2009-06-28T22:19:00.003+08:00

It was night..perhaps at dusk when I was busy putting on my praying clothes. At the time I looked at my reflection in the mirror, checking if there is any strands of hair, I saw a hand over my head, its finger pointing at a strand in the mirror, quite hairy, the hand I saw, I may say - touching my forehead. It startled me so I turned back to see whose hand was it - there he was, standing tall before me looked at me straight in the eyes and giving me the sweetest smile ever. Fireworks in my chest as well as a mountain of happiness in me,being able to see him flesh and blood. The sight of him reminds me of how much I've been missing him all my life since he went away that I couldn't even remember. We sat together with me still in my praying clothes and he before me. I stared at him while he looked at me - both of us were filled with bliss and joy. We talked and talked and talked like we used to do back in our old times at home when I lived with him. I needed to go to the toilet, we both knew that, but I sat there still, and he didn't say a word about that, as if he never noticed about that. We just kept talking, about happy-happy stuff; only those things that brings smile to our faces. Long did it go until I don't know when and how it ended...

June 17, I dreamt of my father coming to visit me thinking about how he came to me, I kinda realised that maybe this was a sign from The Greatest making me think that this maybe a kickstart for me to start putting myself closer to The Almighty. Dear Lord, nobody knows how I miss him. Only Thee and me.

Coldness That Freezes Bones

2009-05-15T00:33:00.003+08:00

Just then he said he wanted to be friends with all but he did exactly the opposite. Heart was coming to a nice piece he turned it back to ashes, in split seconds flat. Flame was heating up inside he turned it to biting ice cold. Love learns bloom again he turned it to dry, lonesome, barren. With him around, it eases the pain and lifts the heart. Talking together instil laughs and smiles. Really thought I he could bring back all happiness and bliss. Heart says he could light up the faded hue in the eyes. How he could be the person I love all my life. How he could be the person I want to sing my feelings with. How he could be the person I devote all feelings inside.

I see him as a man with a kind heart. And I thought he was a very nice person. Blindly love grows to his features, forget all the flaws. Taught myself did I, search deeper than external so the Crimson feel remains eternal. Him to be the one, my last one of all I long for. Want to hold him high and lift his pain away. Wishing I he sings love songs to and honest with. Thought he could be the one I think of before falling asleep. Dream he would hand flower bouquet and speak of love. Crave for touch of his fingertips on bare skin and parting lips come together. Hope for a Garden of bliss in journey of life with him.

Does he have so much love in him that it never seems enough for him to share with only one person? Is the love so big that he has got to pour it to all the people around him? Does he enjoy hurting feelings that are for him? The tears for him, does he count them? He grows love and then kills it cold-heartedly? He calls here Love, another Dear, the other Darling? Must be mirth for him to tell lies and make fool of all. Is it joyful for him to watch breaking hearts? How it is easy for him to mutter sorry and offer friendship, when he knows the barren heart is trying to bloom with spring. He strikes lightning and blows storms thus making heart wounded and weather in heart is not gay no more; for all ever left is black, broken, empty heart.

Shall I call love Absurdity?
Shall I treat love Harshly?
Shall I see love Despicably?
Must all I feel is Pain; in love?
How fooled was I by a creature named man. Every other time.
Here, in blackest night of all the silent woods stand still and watch
Tears flooding on wet face; faunas stop chirp and listen to quiet cry
Along with coldness that freezes bones.

The Promise

2009-05-05T04:33:00.001+08:00

Ready.

Are all we ready, prepared?
A journey, some called this -
Agree had I with - a journey life indeed
Facing the inevitable - inescapable

Certain moment where
The very last grain in
Hourglass falls
Breaths away does it take- leaving

Corpses lying..

A certainty us search for of what
Lies ahead - eternity.

Afford, are we of flames?
Of tortures along thus hellfire itself
Do we bear?

O sweet Paradise. How
To live in the
Wonderful allowed - are we even to see?
How then -

In God’s eyes, the life lived we?
Resentful?
Obey?
Worst?

Awaits..
Promise from The Mighty for
All living.